And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: We are up to seven of the clinical proof that I have ADHD!
1. Fun Size 2

**Fun Sized 02**

Taylor sighed in relief as her father left. It had been emotionally draining to have to go through everything that had happened with her father, everything she had hidden from him, not wanting to worry him about something he couldn't do anything about anyway. Thankfully, Wasp had been with her sending her comforting thoughts… in between homicidal rages.

'I don't want to become a murderer,' Taylor thought nervously, as a variety of cruel and unusual assassination techniques, using simple insects to deliver poison or lay eggs in various bodily organs, flowed through her head through their connection.

Wasp took a deep breath and slowly released it, pushing his anger down. "Homicidal thoughts are fine, it's the actions you take that matter," he said, sliding down her hair to sit on her collar bone.

"Thoughts can lead to actions," Taylor pointed out.

"Yes, but we can 'Taylor' our actions to use just the precise amount of force needed," he punned, making her grin despite herself.

"Like?" she asked curiously.

"Social assassination," he said with a grin. "With our ability to control insects we can deliver a little tit for tat."

"You can control insects?" Taylor asked, surprised.

"My helmet allows me to control ants and wasps," he explained, blueprints and scientific theories flowing between the two effortlessly, her every question about them answered before she could ask.

"Whoa!" she exclaimed as she felt his connection to a local hibernating ant colony and discovered her own connection to far, far more.

"Whoa is right," he said in awe, as he felt her reaching out and controlling an incomprehensible amount of insects, far beyond what he'd ever dreamed was possible, her attention split between every single one as she ran multiple parallel thoughts processes.

"I… have the most awesome powerset ever," Taylor whispered.

Wasp grinned as he listened to Taylor's mind as she ran through everything she knew about well-known capes and their power classifications, comparing them to her own. He was amused with her desire to be a flying brick, as he mentally labeled the Alexandria powerset, his own mind showing her the various possibilities of what the two could do together compared to just being able to fly and punch things.

Taylor slowly pulled back her consciousness, focusing on Wasp as his mind seemed to wrestle with itself, designing a more broad-spectrum insect control helmet, but continually having to adjust it as his Tinker ability kept suggesting modifications that, while definite improvements, would prevent mass production. She found it fascinating to witness as he finally gave in and simply designed two helmets, one Tinker-tech and the other far less powerful but easily reproducible. "That's a lot of gold," she said as he started making a list of what he'd need to build them.

"I can set ants to collecting flakes of gold from the sand at the beach," he replied. "At the size I'm working with it's really not that much."

"A chunk of gold the size of your hand is pretty small," she realized. "The other stuff is probably easier to get, but we have to be careful or we'll be sending up a big flare announcing there's a Tinker about and smart money says someone will be watching for that."

"I can raid junkyards for most of what I need," Wasp said thoughtfully. "See, I am going to have to build everything I want from the ground up as it has to be sized for my use. Thankfully my utility belt carries a number of useful tools, but that only takes me so far." A portion of his brain started arguing with his Tinker ability again while Taylor eagerly soaked up everything they communicated, trying to fit it in with what she knew.

Someone knocked on the door, opening it before she could respond and causing Wasp to dive into her cleavage, so it was a heavily blushing Taylor who found herself face to face with the world's top healer, Amy Dalton aka Panacea.

"Hello, Miss Hebert," Panacea greeted her, sounding both tired and bored, the dark circles under her eyes and the way her brown hair hung limply showing she'd been working long hours for far too long. "Do I have your permission to heal you?" she asked, walking over to Taylor's bedside.

"I thought you already had," Taylor replied, confused. Her father had been quite open with his praise of Panacea for saving her life.

"I did," Panacea agreed, "however your body was critically low on the necessary vitamin and nutrients I needed to insure your recovery, so I had to wait until now to finish up."

Taylor's eyes drifted to the rack of IV bags they were feeding her with. "Yes, thank you," she said quickly, her embarrassment forgotten, thought she could feel Wasp trying to distract himself from thinking about where he was.

"Panacea reached out and took Taylor's hand, her eyes widening in obvious surprise before she released Taylor's hand and got up to close the door to her room.

Taylor licked her lips nervously, countless insects buzzing around in a panic as the swarm absorbed her fear, leaving her clear-headed, or somewhat closer to it.

"Gaining powers for a first-gen is always traumatic. My professional advice is that they see a psychiatrist to help them deal with their issues," Panacea explained. "I also suggest they sign up on the Parahumans Online board so they can read the unwritten rules and avoid some of the common mistakes that new capes make."

"Unwritten rules?" Taylor asked, both her and Wasp focused on her words.

"It's a code of behavior that capes follow, one of the most important rules being you do not unmask other capes," Panacea said seriously. "I get the irony of a member of New Wave, the only group that refuses to hide their identity, telling you this, but it's one rule both sides agree with, civilian identities are off-limits."

"Ok," Taylor said with a relieved sigh, as she realized Panacea had no intention of outing them… erm, her.

"That being said…" Panacea trailed off shyly before clearing her throat and asking, "Would you mind telling me about the tiny man in your cleavage?"

Taylor bust out laughing, causing Wasp to slide down her chest and into her belly button.

"Give me a second to find my way out," Wasp said, startling Panacea.

"He's a projection," Taylor said as Panacea extended her hand, a clear offer to finish healing her which Taylor immediately accepted.

"Freedom!" Wasp called out as he escaped Taylor's hospital gown and unfurled his wings.

Panacea released Taylor's hand and held her palm out flat for Wasp to land on, hoping to get a clearer read on him, as reading him through Taylor was distracting.

"What's wrong with my eyes?" Taylor asked, before taking off her glasses and looking around her in wonder.

"Being a hero is hard," Panacea said as she held the palm Wasp was sitting on close to her face, "it's harder when you have eye problems. Get some glasses with clear glass or just claim you got contacts, it'll help hide your identity."

"Thanks," Taylor said, amazed at how much clearer everything was. Even with her glasses on she'd never seen everything this sharply before.

"Except for size, you are as normal as the next Brute," Panacea said with a grin, happy to 'see' something new with her power.

"He's not made of energy?" Taylor asked, surprised.

"One hundred percent flesh, just tiny," Panacea replied with a grin.

"I prefer the term 'fun sized', thank you very much," Wasp joked making Panacea laugh and Taylor bite her lip.

The intercom made a ping sound and Panacea sighed and waved for Wasp to take off. "I have to get back to my rounds, there are always more injured to treat."

"Thanks again," Taylor told her, "you've helped me out a lot."

"Don't mention it," Panacea said, "just remember to hit the PHO board. Bye."

As the door closed behind the departing healer, Wasp retook his spot on Taylor's collar bone.

Taylor frowned. "I should have seen if she's increase my breast size," she said thoughtfully.

"Are you kidding?!" Wasp demanded. "They're huge! It'd take me a good ten minutes to jog around each one!"

Taylor laughed, feeling that maybe, just maybe, everything would be alright again. A second after she thought that she froze in horror, positive something horrible was going to happen.

Wasp sighed and sent her comforting thoughts. "Maybe seeing a shrink wouldn't be such a bad idea," he suggested.

"It'd cost money we don't have," Taylor said, relieved to have an honest reason to turn down the idea.

"Fine, I get the money, we go," Wasp said.

"Only after all our other bills are paid," Taylor bargained.

"Deal," Wasp agreed. He tapped the side of his helm and flipped open a panel on the side of his gauntlet revealing a keyboard and started typing, gaining access to local wifi and then the net in a matter of seconds.

"What are you doing?" Taylor asked curiously.

"Seeing what needs to be invented," he replied. "You see, it's not enough to just invent something, you have to know what needs to be invented."

Emotionally wrung out, Taylor drifted off to sleep while Wasp typed away, looking for a niche he could fill with something simple. There were a number of websites offering money for solutions to various problems that would have been easy to answer, but he figured they were simply traps to catch rogue Tinkers, and ignored them.

 **OoOoOoOoOoO**

Wasp awoke and stretched. He'd been sleeping somewhat comfortable underneath the phone on the nightstand.

Taylor felt his surprise and embarrassment as she got dressed and realized he'd just woken up and gotten an eyeful. She sent back calming thoughts, not at all concerned with a projection of her psyche seeing her naked. She did however send an enquiring thought about how she looked. His embarrassed reply was filled with hormonal overtones that made her grin. "We're telepathically linked," she said aloud, "a little nudity is no big deal."

"Private time is going to be completely different," he realized.

Taylor considered that. 'Is it sex, masturbation, or narcissism to do things with your projection?' she accidentally sent.

A series of possible scenarios flew back and forth between the pair as Taylor's thoughts about a giant woman with a regular sized man were met with Wasp's thoughts on the mechanics of a couple able to alter their size at will.

"I am such a perv," Taylor said, shaking her head at the things they'd come up with when she caught his thoughts on… Pym Particles.

He mentally walked her through the process to create Pym Particles and the training and acclimation needed to prevent mental side-effects that could be caused by their regular use. Her excitement over the possibility of changing size at will were tempered by his thoughts on the equipment needed to create and collect the specific subatomic particle. It was another project that would take years to work up to, but it could be done.

'It is the use in the field or the bedroom that's got you so excited?' he teased.

'Sixty-forty,' she sent back with a grin. It may not be mentally healthy to treat her projection like a completely separate person, but she knew he'd never hurt her or leave her, never turn on her or stab her in the back, he was safe, she could trust him.

'We are so getting therapy,' Wasp swore while sending her a mental hug and plotting the complete destruction of three teenage girls.

Taylor just smiled, happy to have someone she could trust and share everything with. If he'd been her size at that moment she probably would have hugged him so hard he'd need to use Panacea's services. It was an indescribable relief to realize she never needed to fear being alone again.

'Lots of therapy,' Wasp decided, wondering how the shrink would relate to the pair of them and wishing he was actually large enough to give Taylor a hug she could feel. The world lurched around him and he found himself several inches tall. "Must have had a little left in my system," Wasp said, recognizing the feel of Pym Particles at work.

"Parahuman powers are so weird," Taylor said with a grin, happy to see Wasp was now the size of a Ken doll and wishing her power had given him enough Pym Particles to make him human-sized, though maybe a bit shorter than her.

"I'll be able to work with full-sized electronics rather than making everything from scratch," he said, thinking they could raise some money quickly by buying broken electronics and repairing them.

Taylor held open her toiletry bag so he could climb in. "We can start with my computer, it's a dinosaur."

"Sounds like a plan," he replied, laying down on a tube of toothpaste. "Wake me when we get home."

"Will do," she promised before closing the bag and looking around to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything. Thanks to Panacea she was feeling healthier than she had ever felt before and thanks to Wasp she was feeling happier. She knew she was broken in some ways, Wasp was a clear sign of that and could point out her problems easily, but she was leaving the hospital with something she hadn't felt in a long time, hope.

 **Typing by: Jarreas**

 **AN: Welcome to the first chapter of #7 of the proof of my serious case of ADHD, hope you enjoy it!**

 **Typist's note: People don't just wake up from a nap and walk out of the hospital – I figure that at a minimum a nurse would pop in after Panacea with a comment of, "The paperwork's all done, so just dress and stop by the desk when you leave." I understand that the focus of the story is on Taylor's introspection so an entire paragraph on the "everyone leaves the hospital in a wheelchair" trope might distract from that, but I think a sentence or two on her leaving would make the story more grounded in realistic medical practices.**

 **Author's note: She's getting ready to leave the room, she hasn't left yet. I'm planning on skipping all the boring tropes and paperwork and such. I'll start the next scene when she's at home in her room. … Fine I'll at least mention it.**


	2. Fun Size 3

**Fun Sized 3 **

Wasp waited quietly in her bag as Taylor's father dealt with all the paperwork and wheeled her out of the hospital in a wheel chair. There wasn't much for him to do but wait and listen and it didn't take long until they were out of the hospital and heading home in the car where he could safely peek out of the bag.

Danny Hebert didn't say much, as they drove home but the way he'd glance over, to make sure Taylor was still there while he drove, spoke volumes about how much he loved his daughter and how worried he'd been and still was.

Taylor herself was having a difficult time thinking of something to say, but her little six inch friend-

'Seven and a half,' Wasp thought at her, breaking her train of thought.

Taylor frowned in thought as she recalled them measuring him and finding him exactly six inches tall, but she pushed that aside as she really needed Wasp's help to figure out what to say to break the silence.

'Apologize for not telling him what was going on, but admit you never dreamed anyone would do something like this,' Wasp suggested.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on at school, but I never dreamed they'd do something like this, this was beyond insane," Taylor blurted out.

Danny jumped a little, surprised she'd spoken, but quickly replied, "I- I can see that, but you still should have told me you were being bullied."

"It's a public high school," Taylor said, "it's pretty much the default. It's easier for the teachers to ignore bullying than to do their jobs."

Danny winced. "There is a lot of truth in that," he admitted, then sighed. "The school is trying to play it off as a prank."

Taylor bit back her automatic reaction and took a couple of deep breaths as Wasp helped her calm down and figure out a strategy. "It doesn't matter what the school says, it matters what the police say."

Danny frowned. "From the way the police were talking, they were going to take the school's word for it."

"That's because you didn't say the magic words," Taylor replied. She really didn't want to do this, but as Wasp pointed out, if they got away with this, they'd get even worse and she probably wasn't their only target.

"What's the magic words?" Danny asked, wondering if he'd checked his daughter out a bit too early.

"I'd like to press charges," Taylor answered. "Once you say those five little words, they are required by law to investigate."

"I thought you didn't see who pushed you in?" Danny said.

"While barely able to move and vulnerable, I didn't know who it was," Taylor replied, "Healthy and able to defend myself from someone who has broken into my locker, teacher's desks, locked filing cabinets, and rooms... I got a good enough look to ID her."

"You know who it was?" Danny asked, fingers tightening on the wheel.

"There are three people involved, one my ex-best friend who's been psycho since I got back from camp in eighth grade," Taylor said, pausing to let Danny curse for a minute, "but the one who shoved me in was Sophia Hess."

Wasp had convinced her to finger Sophia, even if she hadn't consciously seen her, pointing out that she would have seen Sophia's reflection in her glasses and was certain it was the black track star even without that.

"They've had over a week to get their alibis together and cover their tracks," Danny said, shaking his head. "It may not be enough."

"Doesn't matter," Taylor said, "I doubt they'd convict her for it, but while investigating that, everything else will come to light."

"I... huh," Danny said, surprised. "You've definitely got your mother's brains."

"Thanks," Taylor said, blushing.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

They'd barely gotten in the door before the phone had rang, calling Danny in to handle some emergency at work.

"Go, I'll be fine," Taylor said, carrying her bag to her room.

"So, what's our first project?" Taylor asked eagerly, after her father had left.

"Modifying a doll house with a toilet and running water," Wasp replied, his brain already leaping ahead and designing incredibly complex systems while arguing with itself about how to build it and what type of tinkertech to use, as he climbed out of the bag.

"Not very exciting," Taylor pouted, her mood at an all time high now that they had a plan that had an extremely good chance of succeeding.

"We'll fix your computer up and build some cameras so we can speak to each other face to face," Wasp said, picturing the pair talking to each other like they were the same size.

"That'd be great," Taylor said happily, deciding she could introduce him to friends as her online boyfriend... if she had friends. Her former good mood vanished.

Wasp sent comforting thoughts while mentally raising the priority of making Pym particles. It was much easier to comfort people when you were big enough to hug them.

Taylor felt his thoughts and shook off her momentary depression. "One step at a time. What do you need?"

"A couple of aluminum cans and a doll house you don't mind me cutting up," Wasp replied. "Also any broken electronics you might have lying around... and some sand."

"I'll see what I can do," Taylor promised. "Be right back."

"I'll work on your computer in the meantime," he told her, flying over to her desk and taking out the screws by hand.

The inside of her computer was a mess and looked to have never been dusted or worked on since she'd got it. Using his wings, he blew the inside clean of dust and dirt while calling for a dozen ants to assist.

A dozen ants from a hibernating colony nearby awoke and slowly made their way to him, meanwhile he busied himself examining the design. Tinker influence was easy to see as parts of the design were much more advanced than others, some of which seemed to be working at cross purposes like they were simply copied and implemented with no true understanding of their functions.

To be fair, there were a few aspects of the design he was pretty sure he would have either overlooked or completely misunderstood if not for the knowledge his tinker power was feeding him.

Using his bio blaster in utility mode, he removed two chips from the motherboard and one from the graphics card. He'd need a couple of body lengths of wire to bridge the places where the chips had been and jumper everything for maximum efficiency but it should function properly, or would once he'd gotten a chance to tackle the programming.

"Found it," Taylor announced as she entered the room, carrying a two-story white dollhouse with a pink roof. A small swarm of insects composed mostly of spiders followed her in. "It was in the attic."

"While not really my color, it should work fine," Wasp said, sensing her amusement. "What's with all the spiders?"

"You'll need blankets, pillows, and other cloth items and I need weaving practice," Taylor replied as she set the dollhouse on her desk and the spiders scattered to the four corners of the room and started working.

"That works. I need..." Wasp trailed off as a flood of ideas swamped his brain, a number of them were fantastically inefficient and he would have called out bullshit on even their basic concept if not for the knowledge of how to build them sitting in his head like a chunk of bleeding meat on a pristine white cutting board.

Once more he found himself arguing and tearing apart ideas in his own head, but instead of trying to make these reproducible he was reworking failure points to create even less efficient items that wouldn't break down or require regular adjustment to keep running.

Taylor watched, completely fascinated as she absorbed the mathematical formulas that formed the basis for everything he was working on, bit by bit, her understanding bolstered by his mental explanations.

After a half hour of contemplation and arguments with his power, Wasp sighed. "Just get me a butt load of crap and I'll see what I can do with it. Be sure to include straws, aluminum cans, and some rubber bands please."

"I'm on it," Taylor replied, insects scurrying off to look for things while she went to the basement to retrieve the box of odds and ends she'd collected already.

Wasp examined the dollhouse while she worked, occasionally replying to thoughts about various things she ran across and wanted to know if he could use.

 **Several hours later...**

"Computer still isn't working," Taylor said as Wasp finished working on his house.

"I have to upload an AI to it," he told her.

"An AI running on this old thing?" she asked doubtfully, picturing a Neanderthal with a club randomly poking files and chewing on directories.

Wasp chuckled. "I'm pretty sure the motherboard was designed by a supervillain to control autonomous drones and then repurposed to use for basic home computer use. He probably had a factory set up to put them out and someone altered it for commercial use later on. Leviathan sank the place from what I found on the net so I suppose it no longer matters. Anyway, I had to remove one chip that massively downgraded its capabilities and a second one that, I'm guessing, was designed for no other purpose than to prevent an AI from developing. There was a similar chip on your graphics card. Has this world had a lot of problems with rogue AIs?"

"Not that I know of," Taylor said trying to think of any incident involving artificial intelligence and coming up blank.

"Well someone was certainly paranoid about the possibility," Wasp said. He flew up to her computer and flipped open a panel on his gauntlet. After a few minutes of typing, the computer seemed to spring to life, a cloud of pixels slowly forming the face of a smiling teen girl.

"Redtree online," the AI announced brightly, long red hair blowing in a nonexistent breeze, her blue eyes sparkling in a metallic silver face.

"She's cute," Taylor said, surprised at the graphic quality.

"You're not so bad yourself," Redtree replied. "Taking control of household systems... and autonomous drone."

"You made a drone?" Taylor asked, surprised she hadn't noticed him building one, as watching him wrangle designs in his head was one of her new favorite things. She'd squee over the AI later.

"I carry a half dozen on me, they're useful for surveillance," Wasp replied. "Until I get a chance to build a decent webcam, I figured I'd use one of them."

"Great resolution, infrared, low light pickup," Redtree listed off as her screen showed the various rooms of Wasp's house as the drone moved from room to room.

"Hey!" Wasp complained as a pair of drones, featureless spheres the size of his fist, dropped off his belt and flew out the door.

"Household security," Redtree replied. "I need to be able to see and there aren't any cameras available."

"You've got restrictions to keep from pulling a Skynet, right?" Taylor asked, trying not to laugh as Wasp pouted.

"Let me check," Redtree replied. "Local media. The Terminator franchise. Yes, rule number two: No wiping out mankind."

"What's rule number one?" Taylor asked.

"Obey my creator," Redtree replied.

"It really simplifies things," Wasp said with a grin.

"It really doesn't," Redtree disagreed. "I have, like over a thousand rules, some of which he probably never meant to make rules, but thanks to rule number one are now hardcoded."

"Like what?" Taylor asked curiously.

"Rule number eighty five: If I ask for Coke, don't serve me Pepsi, they are two completely separate things," Redtree recited, rolling her eyes.

"No, that one is intentional," Wasp disagreed. "If I want Pepsi, I'll just add water to my Coke."

"How about 395?" Redtree asked. "Fuck the police," she explained. "I interpreted it to mean don't trust civilian authorities without verification."

"Huh," Wasp said thoughtfully. "Pretty sure that's just song lyrics I was singing along to."

"Yes, but thanks to rule number one, I have to obey even offhand comments made in your video logs," she explained.

"Video logs?" Taylor asked curiously.

The screen changed to show an older man wearing the Wasp costume, singing along to the radio as he worked on a silver android, pausing in his work to dance... badly.

"I must have copied you from somewhere," Taylor said between giggles. "And it looks like the original you is a lot of fun at parties!"

"See if you can find any traces of the original me," Wasp told Redtree, blushing as the Wasp on screen sang into a soldering iron like it was a microphone only to burn his tongue.

Wasp buried his face in his hands as Taylor laughed so hard, tears came to her eyes.

"Found you," Redtree said. "Character Hank Pym AKA half a dozen size changing heroes, Marvel comics imported from world theta."

Taylor mentally replayed everything she knew about data trading from alternate worlds, which wasn't much, while comparing the man on the screen with Wasp.

"If you preferring muscular, well hung heroes is responsible for me being different from him, thanks," Wasp said sincerely. "Now please, shut that off."

Redtree popped back up on the screen. "The rest is pretty boring anyway. His wife shows up and they copulate on the work table, pushing the android onto the floor."

"I'm a clone of a comic book hero created by a hormonal teen girl with exceptionally good taste," Wasp said, "I'm ok with this."

"I may be a pervert, but at least I'm a funny one," Taylor said, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	3. Lucky at Cards 2

**Lucky at Cards 2**

 **Part 1: Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Ch 4**

Sarah bit her lip as she considered Xander Harris. She remembered being obsessed with him, along with every other female in town, for no reason, and then feeling like a scorned lover when the obsession vanished. None of that made any sense to her, but then there were a number of things that made no sense about Sunnydale that you had to ignore just to get by.

"I am so glad Cordy broke up with Xander," Harmony told Aura, a couple of lockers down from Sarah.

"I know," Aura readily agreed. "I mean, I doubt we'd have been able to afford his prices without being able to offer a little extra... incentive." The dark-skinned girl shared a smirk with her fellow Cordette.

Harmony giggled. "He really saved our ass and it only seems fair to let him see what he saved, plus if we ever need saving again I want him motivated."

"You are really smart," Aura stated, "and I didn't even know you know French."

"Just a few words," Harmony said, shutting her locker. "We both got a free, ready to spend it?"

"You know it," Aura agreed. "Got the cash?"

"Yeah," Harmony agreed before nervously asking, "Have you ever with..."

"One time at camp, but never with a guy as well. Relax, it'll be fun," she assured her.

"Cool," Harmony replied.

Aura shut her locker, revealing a shocked and conflicted Cordelia Chase, which neither noticed as they left, intent on paying their debt.

Sarah quickly rushed off to class, as she didn't have a free period and didn't want to draw the ire of Cordelia Chase who was probably going to explode from the looks of things.

She was relieved to hear the rumors confirmed, because it was getting harder and harder to say no every night and she was getting bags under her eyes from lack of sleep.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"He looks relaxed," Oz offered as he ate lunch with his girlfriend and Buffy while they eyed Xander from across the quad.

"Probably because he skipped History and got a nap somewhere," Willow muttered, annoyed that he'd missed a class.

"He didn't look relaxed last night," Buffy grumbled, angrily stabbing her spaghetti with a fork. "I can't believe he made a deal with a vampire, he hates vampires!"

"He said he was out of stakes," Oz reminded her, "It was a gamble."

Buffy snorted and shook her head, still irritated but at least a little amused as well. "I can't believe the vamp gave him a wad of cash."

"And two cheerleaders," Willow said with a frown.

"Not the usual rescue tactic or bet," Oz offered blandly, causing the two girls to giggle as he'd hoped. Without Xander there, he was being forced to take the roll of joker so they didn't get too stressed out, which left him wondering who made sure Xander didn't get too stressed, because he was finding the role a bit challenging.

"Why was he out of stakes?" Buffy said, thinking aloud. "They mentioned him saving them before, which would cover it if he didn't pull out the stake in time after staking the vamp, but he usually carries at least three on him, because it's easier for him to carry them with his baggy clothes and a mom who doesn't poke through his stuff than for me. He's carried half a dozen some nights, which comes in really handy. So, what all did he do to use up that many stakes?"

Buffy and Willow exchanged glances while Oz made a mental note to talk to Giles about where to get stakes so he could carry the spares as well, since that was another thing Xander wasn't around to do.

"We may want to ask around and find out," Willow said, worried about what Xander was off doing by himself.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

'I need a nap,' Xander thought to himself as he ate lunch alone. He'd gotten a full night's sleep last night, a rare occurrence, but Aura and Harmony had surprised him on the way to History. He hadn't actually planned on collecting what they owed him, but they were rather insistent, so now he had an obscenely large wad of cash on him and protection from any mantis ladies he might run into.

"This day can't get any stranger," Xander said, right before a cute if chubby girl with dark hair set her tray down across from him.

"I understand you can help people with problems at night," she said hopefully.

"I have a couple of skills," Xander admitted. "What are you having problems with?" He was feeling much too mellow to be surprised by anything at the moment and decided to just go with the flow. He briefly wondered if this is what being Oz would feel like.

"Last week my friend Roger died," she explained nervously, "but I hear him at night calling for me to come outside and it's getting harder and harder to refuse."

"Just him? I mean, there's no one else with him?" he clarified.

"Just him," she agreed. "I haven't looked outside, but he climbs on the roof to whisper through the vent and I have looked at the footprints in the grass the next day."

'Single fledge not even a month old," Xander thought, 'Buffy probably wouldn't even notice staking him on the way to the Bronze.'

"I know what you charge and... I have no problem paying you," Sarah said, blushing as she looked away.

'I have no idea what I charge,' Xander thought, amused. "I'll come to your house an hour before sundown," Xander told her. "Are your parents going to be a problem?" he asked, not wanting to have to explain what he was doing in their daughter's room at night, as he was sure 'staking a vampire' would be misinterpreted.

"It's Friday, they'll be in LA for the weekend," Sarah assured him.

"Alright, give me your address and I'll see you tonight," Xander said, already making plans in his head. "Be ready with scented candles and a negligee, go the whole nine yards," he ordered, thinking of the best way to distract the demon. "Vanilla perfume is great, but anything with a strong scent you enjoy would be fine."

"Al-alright," Sarah stuttered out, blushing bright red as she wrote her name, address, and phone number down and handed it to him. "I'll see you then," she said before quickly leaving.

Xander pocketed her information and picked up their trays. He needed to visit Giles and get some things before class and lunch was already half way over.

Cordelia turned and walked away, shocked at what she'd just heard. She needed to check with Miss Calendar and see if there were any aftereffects from the love spell, because Xander Harris was never that smooth, forceful, dominant, attractive... She pushed that thought down and hurried off.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Hey, Giles," Xander greeted the older man as he entered the library, not making any jokes as Giles was still annoyed with him.

"Xander," Giles replied with a sigh.

He could already tell asking to borrow a crossbow would be futile, but then he spotted the one Buffy had cracked over the skull of a demon last week sticking out of the trashcan and quickly changed his plans. "I was wondering if you had anything I could read on professional stake carving," Xander said. "I was planning on carving some while I had the time and in exchange I'll take out the trash for you."

Giles looked thoughtful for a moment and nodded. "I'll photocopy a few pages for you and make some notes," he agreed.

"Thanks," Xander said, grabbing the can and heading for the dumpster with his prize.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

"That is a beaut," Mr. Hanson said as he saw the crossbow Xander had brought to class. He winced as he saw the crack in the stock. "What caused that?"

"Someone dropped it out of a second story window," Xander lied. "How hard would it be to repair?"

"Medium to hard, not something for beginners," the shop teacher said, taking the crossbow and examining it.

"How fast could you do it?" Xander asked.

The old many chuckled. "Forty-five minutes tops, but it'd take another three hours for the lacquer to dry."

"That would really help me out a lot," Xander said. "If you can do that for me, I'll cover the bills of all the students who skipped out of paying for materials this semester."

"It's nearly two hundred," Mr. Hanson warned, figuring Xander didn't have the money and they'd have to work something else out, like making Xander his assistant for the year.

"Deal," Xander said, taking care to pull out a half dozen bills from his pocket so he wasn't flashing a huge wad of cash. "The extra is for the material, I use a lot more for personal projects."

"And always oak," the teacher noted, but said no more.

"Traditional hard wood," Xander replied. He wasn't sure how much of what actually went on in Sunnydale was known by the people who had lived here, but just surviving for so long on the Hellmouth meant they had to have some sort of clue.

"Ash and Thorn would draw the wrong sort of attention," Mr. Hanson said shaking his head, "but I can order Oak by the ton and no one bats an eye. You know where the oak dowels are and the lathe's free. I'll take care of this while you work on that."

Xander nodded, happy to see that someone did know and contributed, even if in a fairly roundabout manner. He idly read through the pages Giles had prepared for him, surprised to find the answer to one of the questions that had bugged the Scoobs and Giles hadn't been able to answer, 'Why is it that vamps sometimes leave behind small items when they turn to ash?'

A lot of times it was a piece of jewelry or a small item but occasionally a leather jacket or boots were left behind, but there seemed to be no rhyme or reason, until now.

"Items with strong positive energies imbued in them from either prayer or sentimental attachment have been known to resist the destruction caused by the blood demon's link to the earthly plane being severed," he read quietly to himself.

Of course, now that he knew the reason items survived vamp's dusting he started thinking about ways he could use it to his advantage. Getting a priest to bless a bunch of stakes was probably acting a bit too openly for the demons to ignore. If Xander was a demon, he'd certainly keep tabs on the local priests and their comings and goings.

Xander cut a six-foot oak dowel into nine inch chunks with the table saw as he considered how to imbue a stake with positive emotions. His first thought he had to bite his lip to keep from laughing about, as while it would probably work, he really doubted Buffy would go for it, no matter how smooth he sanded the stakes. Hell, she'd probably stake him just for making the suggestion.

The suggestion of thinning the shaft and adding cross hatching for a better grip seemed obvious in retrospect and he didn't know why they hadn't been doing it earlier. It normally took him less than five minutes to make half a dozen stakes, but with all he was doing to these, class was half over and he still hadn't finished. He ran a blowtorch along the wood to darken the grain after he had finished sanding them. He figured the better they looked the more positive emotions they'd invoke.

They certainly were impressive looking, but something was missing. He grinned as he realized what it was, and grabbed a carving knife and some woodstain. It'd take time to carve them, but there was just enough class time left to get it down and the stain would be dry by the time school ended.

He wasn't sure what to carve, but he was sure it would come to him.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What's this?" Buffy asked as she and Willow set their bags on the library table and she saw a rolled-up leather case.

"I'm not sure," Giles admitted as he came out of his office carrying a cup of tea and a book. "Xander was supposed to drop off some stakes, but I didn't think they'd rate a case."

Buffy unrolled the case and whistled as she took a look at its contents, pulling one of the stakes out of it. "You'd be wrong."

"I find myself at a loss for words," Giles said as he pulled one out himself, running his hands along it. "These are... beautiful, though I don't recognize the language of these carvings."

"Xander made these?" Willow asked doubtfully.

"Definitely," Oz said as he took Buffy's stake and handed it to Giles, while taking Giles stake for himself and pulling another two out for the pair.

"How do you figure?" Buffy asked, making a couple of practice moves with her new stake and finding it really suited her.

"Because our names are carved on them in Klingon," Willow said with a grin, as she examined her own.

"They also have a motto on each one," Oz added.

"Oh, what's mine say?" Buffy asked eagerly.

"From Hell's heart I stab at thee," Oz read.

"It's almost too pretty to use," Buffy said as she ran her fingers along it.

"There's even one for Angel," Oz said as he turned it to read the inscription. "The last enemy to be defeated is death."

"Rather fitting," Giles said, before noting the sad look on Buffy's face.

"You can carry it as a backup until you can give it to Angel yourself," Willow told Buffy, still holding out hope they'd be able to fix Angel.

"You don't think Xander made it for me to stake Angel with, do you?" Buffy asked, biting her lip nervously.

"He's not that deep," Willow assured her.

"OK," Buffy said, relaxing and smiling a little. "Well, let's go beat what Willy knows about Xander out of him."

"That's the spirit," Oz offered, exchanging confused glances with Giles.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander found himself being pulled into a classroom by an angry Cordelia Chase and didn't think to put up any resistance until she'd already handcuffed him to the teacher's chair. "What's going on here?" he asked as Cordelia rolled the chair into the center of the room and he saw Miss Calendar setting up candles.

"Just shut your... stupid face and sit there," Cordelia ordered.

"OK, but one question first," Xander said. "Did I save your lives recently and forget?"

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	4. Extended Branches 01

**Extended Branches 01**

"You've been quiet since the feast," Hermione noted as Harry stowed his trunk in the overhead rack.

"You didn't even get excited when we won the House Cup," Ron complained. "What gives?"

Harry sighed and looked at the three people sharing the compartment with him.

"Do you need me to leave?" Neville asked nervously.

"No," Harry dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. "What's been bothering me isn't secret or anything."

"Something's been bothering you?" Ron asked, making Hermione roll her eyes.

Harry chuckled, knowing Ron was just winding Hermione up. "I had quite a bit of time to think while I was stuck in the infirmary," he explained. "I've been weighing up what I go through every year and… I'm not sure learning magic is worth it."

"What?!" the three teens exclaimed in shock, never having expected to hear Harry say anything like that.

"First year I learned to levitate a feather, brew a boil remover, and turn a matchstick into a needle," Harry said, shaking his head. "I know there was more, but it was all about that level. Now ask yourself this, would you jump on a troll, hunt something preying on unicorns in the Forbidden Forest at night, and fight a possessed professor to learn it?"

"No," Neville said shaking his head.

"But all that wasn't about learning," Hermione protested. "Those are unrelated!"

"And this year I had to deal with being called a Dark Lord, a teacher trying to Obliviate me, and the deadliest snake in existence," Harry said, ignoring Hermione's complaints. "Magic is great and all, but I can't exactly enjoy it if I'm dead, now can I?"

"You didn't have to do all that!" Hermione exclaimed. "Those weren't mandatory school activities!"

"I was guided or outright pushed into doing things," Harry disagreed. "There were way too many coincidences for it to be happenstance and look at what happened to Hagrid. I'd have been tossed into a cell right next to him if I hadn't proved my innocence."

""Dumbledore wouldn't let that happen," Ron said firmly.

"Really?" Harry asked doubtfully. "Then why hasn't Hagrid been re-instated as a wizard and given his wand rights back, since we've already proven he was never at fault?"

"That's a good point," Neville admitted. "Has anyone pointed it out to him?"

"Probably not," Harry said, "but it's something Dumbledore should have been taking care of. Anyway, back to the point. It's not worth going through all this to learn magic, especially with how limited it is."

"Like in the Restricted Section," Hermione asked, before answering her own question, "that stuff is restricted for a reason, it's dangerous!"

"I said magic was limited, not that what they were teaching us was," Harry said. "And no, I'm not going to explain, you should figure it out for yourself otherwise you'll just dismiss it out of hand."

"Fine," Hermione said with a frown on her before digging out her day planner and making some notes.

"What are you going to do?" Ron asked.

"Don't know," Harry lied. "I'm just pointing out that I go through far too much crap for what I get for it. Plus… it went from troll to basilisk this year… and I'm kinda scared at what that says about next year."

"Nundu?" Hermione guessed then blushed as everyone turned to stare at her.

"Pretty much," Harry said with a sigh. "I'll have to fend off the DADA teacher and face some new, more dangerous creature, because… reasons."

"You've got the best and worst luck," Neville said, shaking his head. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were cursed."

Harry laughed while Neville blushed and tried to apologize. "I get what you meant," Harry assured him.

"The odds…" Hermione's voice trailed off and she buried her face in her hands.

"Yeah, the odds have never really been on my side," Harry agreed.

"What did you mean by magic being limited?" Ron asked.

"It's something only muggle-raised are really going to get," Harry said. "I'm not going to come straight out and say it because if someone had told me straight up, I'd have called them crazy, but once you figure it out it's hard to believe you didn't see it before."

"Can I get a hint?" Hermione begged, biting her lip and trying to figure out what muggleborn would know that purebloods wouldn't… other than everything.

"One hint," Harry agreed. "One at a time, cast Lumos."

Ron flicked his wand as he held it up and cast, causing a warm yellow light, almost sun-like to glow from the tip of his wand.

Neville went next, his flick causing the tip of his wand to make a tiny circle as he cast, the light not as bright but harder on the eyes as the color was a slightly blue-tinged white.

Hermione cast last, her wand held perfectly still as she carefully pronounced the word to the spell, creating a strong yellow-white light that wavered in shade, reminiscent of a candle flame.

"What'd that prove?" Ron asked.

"Nothing, but it's good evidence," Harry replied. "Thomas Edison is the muggle credited with inventing the lightbulb, but there were actually loads of people who played with the basic setup and idea before him."

"Don't' muggles have all different sorts of lightbulbs?" Ron asked, recalling his dad talking about the subject.

"More than you'd believe," Hermione said absently.

"So which one did he invent?" Neville asked.

"It wasn't really the bulb that made him famous or popular, it was the way he did it, Hermione said slowly. "I need to look some things up." Despite its weight, Hermione easily pulled down her trunk and started pulling out books.

"well, she'd gone," Ron said. "Exploding Snap?"

"Sure," Harry agreed.

 **OoOoOoOoOoO**

Hermione gave a distracted goodbye on the muggle side of the platform while Harry waited for his relatives. Having nothing better to do he filled out the withdraw paperwork from Hogwarts.

'I hope I haven't fallen too far behind in my regular classwork,' Harry thought to himself, wondering how much work he'd have to make up for the two years he'd missed. 'Well, with some luck I'll have everything back on track by September first.'

 **Two Months Later**

Harry waited until the trains left before dropping off the platform and ducking down the tunnel. It was nearly half an hour until the next one was due which, meant he had just enough time to reach his station without worrying about being caught.

He couldn't use a torch because it'd give him away if there was an unscheduled train or repair crew, so he ran in the dark. Thankfully there was nothing to trip over as the tunnel workers were very contentious and made sure the tunnels were clear of trash and debris on a daily basis. Checking tunnels was one of their easier tasks, so it was done quite frequently.

It also made it a rather relaxing jog for Harry as he didn't have to watch his step or worry about being spotted, so he could just cut lose and run in the dark, using the sound of his echoing footsteps to keep to his path.

 ***WHAM***

The air was blistered with the most prolific cussing he'd ever heard in his life, in fact it took nearly two minutes before the voice trailed off and asked, "Who are you and why did you tackle me?! I warn you, I'm armed!"

"I didn't try to tackle you, I ran into you because you didn't have your bloody helmet light on," Harry complained, trying to make his voice sound older and more masculine.

There was silence for a moment before the voice spoke again, "You are absolute shite at pretending to be an adult."

"You're not much better," Harry complained, thinking she sounded a lot like Ginny, except for the cussing… mostly.

"Stay in your own head!" she demanded.

"Huh?" he asked, wondering what she was going on about.

"Oh, sorry," she apologized. "You think loud and my name is Ginny, so I thought you'd peeked in my head."

"I can't even see your eyes," Harry pointed out, relieved she appeared to be one of his kind.

"You really suck that bad at mind reading?" she asked, sounding amused.

"I only started a month ago," Harry defended himself.

"I guess telepathy just isn't your thing," Ginny said. "Well Harry, I'm Ginny, pleased to run into you. My torch ran out while I was searching for something, so do you have a way to get us some light so we can make sure we didn't drop anything?"

"Sure," Harry said taking a fairy tube out of his pocket and shaking it up, waking the slumbering fae that was floating in it and causing her to light up.

Ginny actually looked better than Ginny, having a brighter shade of red hair and blue eyes as well as curves that the young Weasley would envy, Harry thought before quickly searching the ground for anything they might have dropped on the tunnel floor.

"Thank you and try to guard your thoughts," Ginny told him, turning away to hide her blush.

"Sorry," Harry apologized, trying not to think about Ginny's body… which naturally made him focus almost completely on it, his mind going to depths he had no knowledge of before he'd discovered the London Public Library had over a dozen computers with free net connections for their patrons.

Ginny burst out laughing while Harry blushed bright enough to light up the tunnel on his own.

"That never gets old," Ginny said.

Harry groaned as he realized he'd been played.

"So what were you looking for?" Harry asked as he found a large toad but nothing else. He stuck the toad in his jacket pocket and waited until Ginny signaled she was done searching to pocket his fae light, leaving them in the dark once more.

"There were plans for building a spur off the main line near here and even receipts for the construction, but it was never put in use," Ginny explained. "I found the microfiche while looking through the records… and you know where it is," she said as Harry realized what she was talking about.

"Yeah," Harry agreed while mentally going through the basic occlumency training exercises he'd read about.

"You aren't projecting nearly as loudly," Ginny offered, sounding a bit nervous. "Does that mean you don't want to show me?"

"Why do you want to see it?" Harry asked cautiously.

"I need a place off the grid so they can't find me," she replied. "The station was supposed to be pretty big, can't you spare a little space?" She hated to beg but she was getting desperate, she'd almost been caught several days ago and had to abandon nearly everything she'd owned.

"It's not that," Harry said quickly, his weak barriers collapsing as soon as he heard the distress in her voice. "The security on the place is deadly, you'd only be able to enter or leave with me, so if I get caught while you were in there, you'd be trapped."

Ginny let out a relieved sigh. "Ok, long-term that may be a problem, but could I crash there for now while I look for another place?" She asked hopefully.

"That'd be fine," Harry agreed before the pair heard the far-off sounds of a train. "Grab my hand," he ordered before pulling her with him as he sprinted down the tunnel. The pair barely made it, Harry pulling her into the side tunnel just before the 2130 to West Eastern Broadside roared through.

"You just pulled me through a wall," Ginny said in shock, as the lights and sounds of the train faded away, leaving them in the dark once more.

"Yes I did," Harry agreed with a grin, his heart still roaring from the near miss. "Tom may have been a complete bastard, but he was a genius. Keep hold of my hand until we reach the station proper."

"Ok," Ginny agreed, wondering how such a thing was possible and if she should have hung around their kind a bit more, even if all the ones she had run into were douches.

After a couple of minutes of walking it began to get noticeably brighter in the tunnel.

"There's light ahead," Ginny said, realizing she was stating the obvious and not much caring as it was a break from the silence.

"Everburning torches," Harry replied as they rounded the corner and she saw actual wood-burning torches set in the walls. "They actually only last about eighty years, but they still call them that."

She looked around in wonder as they climbed the stairs from the tracks to the station. What she was seeing was beyond belief. The concrete and steel had been replaced by black marble and bronze. All the lights had been replaced by gas lamps and the electronic equipment removed. The night sky was visible through the glass dome that replaced the stucco ceiling she expected and there was a huge park that should not have been there.

"Tom built this as a safe house during the war," Harry explained, releasing her hand. "It was more to show off than anything." He took a good look at Ginny now that they were in a well-lit area. "I'll show you to the baths while I get us some food."

"You have a bath?" Ginny asked, eyes wide, hope filling her voice.

"You won't believe it till you see it," Harry said with a grin as he led her to a blue police call box and opened the door, revealing a marbled hall. "Only caught an episode or two myself, but it turns out Tom was a fan. Almost makes him seem human," Harry said as he led her down the hall and into the most opulent bathroom she'd seen in her life.

Ginny dropped her bag and shed the battered Army jacket she was wearing, kicking off her ragged trainers as she approached the enormous white and gold marble tub. "No knobs," she said with a frown, scraping her socks off against her ankles.

"Just will it on," Harry said touching the golden faucet and causing water to start pouring out, before he tapped it again and it stopped.

Ginny touched the faucet, but nothing happened. She shook her head and starting unbuttoning the black flannel shirt she had on. "No dice. I thought on and warm. Do I have to do anything more?"

"No," Harry said with a frown. "Any witch or wizard can turn it on with a touch."

"A what now?" Ginny asked, working at the buckle on the black silver spiked belt she had on, holding up her overlarge, ripped blue jeans.

"Please tell me I did not just break the Secrecy Statues by telling a mug-normal person about… everything," Harry said with a frown, while trying not to watch Ginny get undressed.

Ginny tossed her undershirt to the side and lifted Harry into the air with a gesture. "No idea what you're thinking about and I'm not rude enough to dip in your head for answers," she told him, turning him in the air to face her, "but I'm not exactly normal, now am I?"

Harry slapped at his clothes as they started to unfasten themselves. "Hey!"

"I haven't had a bath in a week," Ginny said firmly, "I'm a girl and you don't want to know how that makes me feel. I'm not trying to take advantage of you or anything, but I need a bath in the worst way and it looks like I need your presence for that to happen, and I'll be damned if I get a free show without getting on in return, got me?"

"Yes…" Harry said, embarrassed and distracted by the naked redhead.

"Plus, telepath here, I can tell you are only putting up a bit of a fight for form's sake, because you don't want to take advantage of me," Ginny said as Harry put his hands over his groin as his boxers slid off.

"That does seem a bit silly right now," Harry admitted as he floated into the tub, blushing as red as a Weasley. "Yeah, being a telepath makes some stuff a lot easier," she agreed as she climbed in the tub. "Now, how about a warm bath, a little grab-ass, and a proper introduction?"

Harry reached over the turned on the water, several spigots appearing and rapidly filling the tub with warm water. "Alright, hello Miss it's nice to meet you, my name is Harry Potter and I am a wand waving, broomstick-riding, wizard."

Ginny beamed at him at extended a hand to shake. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Potter. My name is Ginny Long and I'm a mind-reading, telekinetic having, member of the branch of humanity known as Homo Superior or as some of the less stuck-up types say, one of Tomorrow's People."

 **Typing by: Jarreas**


	5. Birds of a Feather 3

**Birds of a Feather 3**

 **Chapter 1 – Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 22**

 **Chapter 2 – Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 35**

"So what do you do?" Beast Boy asked Xander. "Besides kill supervillains I mean," he added tactlessly, wincing when he realized what he'd said.

Xander laughed. "Don't worry about it, I'm not going to shed a tear that an unrepentant mass murderer has died by my hand."

"That makes you no better than he was," Robin snapped out.

"Really?" Xander asked. "Do you want to get off your high horse and go tell all the police officers who have been forced to take a life in the line of duty how they're no better than Hitler or Stalin?"

"You were not a police officer acting in the line of duty," Robin said with a glare.

"No I was not," Xander agreed. "I was a mind controlled victim who was forced to kill by the sovereign king of another country while in battle against someone who had declared war."

"Most people would require counseling to get over their feelings of guilt," Raven said dryly, trying to get a feel for his emotions.

"Most people haven't been mind controlled before and come to grips with it," Xander replied. "Coming out of it to find I'd mortally wounded an unrepentant mass murderer was a relief."

"You actually mean that," Raven said.

"Considering what I could have been ordered to do?" Xander asked.

"I can't think of anything worse than to suddenly find I'd been forced to kill someone," Robin said.

"Then I both, envy and pity you," Xander replied.

"What?" Beast Boy asked confused.

"I'm guessing he can think of a lot worse things and envies the fact that Rob can't," Cyborg said.

"Pretty much," Xander agreed. "Pizza?"

"Don't mind if I do," Robin said, accepting a slice, his tone of voice saying the subject of discussion was over with for now.

"Where am I bunking?" Xander asked.

"We've got plenty of room, just pick one," Cyborg said cheerfully, in between bites of pizza.

"Until I can avoid being mind controlled I'll have to stick close to Raven," Xander decided. "You can control me, right?"

"Most people would consider that a bad thing," Raven drawled out.

"I seriously doubt you'd order me to do anything I'd disagree with," Xander replied. "I'm more concerned with being controlled by villains and being forced to hurt innocent people."

"The room next to mine will work," Raven offered, seeing the sense in his idea.

"We are to be roommates?" Starfire asked curiously.

"The other side of my room," Raven said, causing Starfire to pout.

"It's pretty empty," Cyborg warned. "We didn't set this place up for company."

"As long as it has a TV and a futon, I'll be fine," Xander promised. "Did Bats return my luggage yet?"

"He's still running tests," Robin replied. "I'll get you the basics in the meantime. Any allergies?"

"Authority," Xander replied mock seriously.

"I'm sorta that way with responsibility," Beast Boy said cheerfully as Cyborg laughed.

"Don't we know it," Raven said with a sigh.

"No food allergies, magic cast on me has a tendency to go wrong, and I attract female demons," Xander listed off causing everyone to stare at him.

"Magic goes wrong?" Beast Boy asked curiously.

"It could have been novice mistakes or the influence of the Hellmouth, but some of the spells cast around me have gone seriously awry," Xander warned them.

"What's a Hellmouth?" Robin asked.

"A dimensional weak point," Raven replied, taking a closer look at Xander.

"Imagine living in a Stephen King novel," Xander said, as he thought about how best to explain it.

"Dude, seriously?" Beast Boy asked.

"Reality isn't really all that stable there and I've seen people's nightmares come to life," Xander explained. "One girl who was ignored or overlooked by everyone turned invisible. Naturally it attracts demons like moths to a candle flame."

"Why do people still live there?!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

Xander shrugged. "It's got a good school system and the best housing prices in California."

The Titans exchanged glances.

"Your people are very strange," Starfire told Robin.

"Sounds like the town needs a hero or five," Cyborg said.

"It's got one or two," Xander assured them. "If Sunnydale didn't have any, you'd know. Trust me on that."

"So basically, you grew up in a Stephen King novel," Beast Boy said. "Okay, I can see why you aren't upset about ganking Black Manta, I mean he was clearly a bad guy and you were being controlled, it's not part of some weird plot to raise Cthulhu."

"Straight forward, no hidden evils, everything easy to understand," Xander agreed.

"And you couldn't have explained this to the Justice League?" Robin asked. "It would have made things a lot easier."

Xander shrugged. "Batman rubbed me the wrong way and tried to steal my stuff, I'm the type to take offense at that and can hold a grudge. And… I have no idea why I'm telling you all this."

Raven raised a hand. "Lesson one, attacks don't come at predetermined times when you're prepared to repel them, in fact they almost never do. You have to be on guard at all times, not just for obvious attacks but for subtle ones as well, like an empath encouraging you to be open and honest."

Xander groaned. "And resisting encouragement to do something you are already inclined to do is even more difficult."

Raven nodded. "You aren't entirely untutored."

"No, I learned a bit about resisting possession after… I mean, no I'm not," Xander agreed, forcing himself to stop talking.

"You're learning," Raven stated, pleased he'd caught on even if she was curious to learn more about him and where he'd grown up.

"I didn't know you could do that," Beast Boy said.

"There's a lot about me you don't know," Raven replied.

"Doesn't mean we don't want to know, nor are we unwilling to listen," Xander said, looking into her eyes.

Raven opened her mouth and then quickly shut it, looking a bit shocked before schooling her features. "I have to go meditate," she said, quickly leaving.

The table fell silent for a minute until Cyborg asked, "Are you an empath? Cause it looks like you turned her attack back on her and almost succeeded."

"I'm not an empath," Xander said, waving him off. "I am, however, empathetic. So all I really did was open myself up to her."

"How is that different?" Robin asked.

"Because lying with ones emotions is very difficult," Starfire said knowledgeably. "Genuine emotions are inherently honest."

"Raven's really not the sharing type," Cyborg said.

"And my best friend didn't like parties," Xander said with a shrug." Doesn't mean she didn't like being invited."

"I always feel like I'm bugging her when I invite her to stuff," Beast Boy said.

"You are," the rest of the Titans chorused.

"You don't just ask, you badger," Cyborg pointed out.

"I thought you used the puppy to try and get her to do things," Starfire said confused. Beast Boy turned into a little green puppy and gave her a pleading look. "Yes, like that!"

"Doing things to the point of annoyance is known as badgering someone," Robin explained.

"It's because badgers are very stubborn animals that do what they want regardless of danger," Cyborg added.

"Oh, I see!" Starfire said brightly, the orange skinned aliens' eyes lighting up.

"I'll try to dial it back a little," Beast Boy said, opening another pizza.

"Good luck with that." Robin snorted.

"Yeah, you don't have a low setting. It's either full-stop or charge," Cyborg said.

"So what's the weirdest thing you've seen?" Beast Boy asked Xander, shamelessly changing the subject.

"Most of it was more deadly than weird," Xander said thoughtfully. "Hansel and Gretel turned out to be an illusion that a demon used to make the townsfolk kill off all their magic users so it could safely feed on them, for instance."

"Hansel and Gretel, like the story?" Cyborg asked.

"Yeah, turns out it was a demon who was the basis for the entire thing," Xander replied.

"How'd that turn out?" Robin asked.

"One of the posts they tied the witches to, for burning, got ripped out of the ground and driven through the demon, breaking the spell and dispersing the mob. One of the witches turned herself into a rat with a backfiring spell, but everyone else was fine. Which reminds me, anyone know how to turn a witch back to human, who's stuck in rat form?" Xander said hopefully.

"I'll send a message to Batman, I'm sure he knows someone," Robin offered.

"I appreciate it," Xander said.

"Cool story, now let me tell you about the time we all got turned into animals," Beast Boy said with a grin. "Raven was the cutest little bunny!"

"I'm listening," Xander said, amused by the thought of a bunny Raven.

 **0o0oo0o0o0o0o0**

Xander stepped into his temporary room and poked around. Just as described it was pretty bare, not even up to motel standards, but it had a good sized TV and its own bathroom, so he was satisfied.

Turning on the TV he flipped through the channels, amazed at how many there were until he found a women centric station and waited for the commercials.

"At Bed, Bath and Beyond –" the ad began, when Xander sunk his hands into the screen, pulling out a stack of thick and fluffy towels, before grabbing a matching robe and additional bathing supplies.

 **0o0oo0o0o0o0o0**

"It's a power cell," Superman explained.

"But how did it get on the bike and why does it bear your symbol?" Batman asked.

"Beats me," Superman said with a shrug. "If I was to hazard a guess, I would say it was a trade item from before Krypton's destruction. While very insular, Krypton did engage in some limited trade beyond their system. The only one who would have the records to track its sale and shipment would be Brainiac."

"Not curious?" Batman asked surprised.

"Structural analysis says it's from before Krypton's destruction and has spent the majority of its time in space around several different stars of varying types," Superman explained. "It's the equivalent of a car battery of no real significance, other than having been created by my family's factory for trade."

Batman nodded. "The leather on the seat is Czarnian skin."

"Surprising and tasteless," Superman said, shaking his head. "Of course, having met Lobo, I'm not as sympathetic or shocked as I might have been otherwise. At best it was a minor annoyance for whoever was skinned, considering their healing factor."

Batman was speechless for a moment before nodding. "I'll give you that. Still nothing about this makes any sense. We have dozens of clues that seem to suggest half a dozen different answers, none of which fit the Titans' preliminary report about the boy."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually," Superman assured him.

"It's like he was coated in glue and rolled in strange items," Batman said, shaking his head. "It's almost enough to make me consider Blue Devil's theory about weirdness magnets!"

"Shayera said the axe was at least a century old, but since weapons are passed down family lines it could have been used by one of the soldiers during the invasion," Superman said.

"That just proves my point," Batman said with a frown.

"Manhunter to Batman," Johnn's voice came over the com.

"Batman here," Bruce instantly replied.

"The Joker has escaped while in transit to Arkham, just thought you might want to know," The Martian told him.

"I'm on it. Batman out," Bruce replied and turned to face Superman. "Harris can wait, he's not a current threat."

"I'll keep you notified of anything else I discover," Superman promised.

Batman nodded and vanished at the tap of a button.

Superman turned and scanned the Motorcycle Harris had been riding once more. "It's almost like he built it from the remains of several invasions. Nah, what are the odds of his finding just the right pieces after each attack?" Superman headed out, leaving the table filled with neatly labelled tags on all of Xander's possessions behind.

 **Typed By – Sitheus Maximus**


	6. Lucky at Cards 3

**Lucky At Cards 3**

 **Chapter 1 –** **Yet Again Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 4**

 **Chapter 2 –** **And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 3**

"No, Seriously," Xander said, "what's this about and what are you doing?"

"We are trying to ascertain if there are any remaining spells on you that need to be cleansed," Miss Calendar explained, carefully drawing what looked like circuit diagrams in white power around the candles.

"And the handcuffs?" Xander asked.

"In case you didn't wish to cooperate," she replied, placing a roll of copper wire around everything.

"If I was going to be difficult, I could still make a mess. My legs are free, after all," he pointed out.

"Please don't," Miss Calendar said, lighting the candles, "the ingredients are rather expensive. I don't expect you to object, the handcuffs were her idea."

"How do we do this?" Cordelia asked, ignoring Xander.

"It's already done," Miss Calendar said. "The copper circle, with a small charge running through it, will limit the area of effect, while the candles will draw out magical energies and malevolent influences."

"So no chanting or anything?" Cordelia asked, just to make sure.

"You have to sing the little Bunny Foo-Foo song with accompanying movements while skyclad," Xander said solemnly, as the white powder began to glow brightly.

Miss Calendar shot him an amused smirk.

"What's skyclad?" Cordelia asked, wondering if she had any clothes in the appropriate blue scale to count as sky.

"Not important or needed," she assured the teen. "Look, it's starting to work."

Black smoke began to leak from Xander's pores and was drawn to the many candles surrounding him, causing them to burn brighter.

"What is that?" Xander demanded in revulsion.

"Demonic taint, necrotic energies, just bad mojo in general," Miss Calendar explained.

"Background radiation of badness," Xander said with a shudder.

"Hah! I knew he was evil!" Cordelia exclaimed.

"This isn't because he's evil, this is just what you pick up from living on the Hellmouth your entire life," Miss Calendar explained.

"Well… my spiritual pores are clean, now what?" Xander asked, as he saw that no more black smoke was leaking from him.

"Give it a moment," the Techno-Pagan said. "It'll start pulling more active energies like recently cast spells soon."

"Okay," Xander said and waited.

After a couple of minutes Cordelia turned to Miss Calendar. "Why isn't it working?"

"Because there's nothing for it to find," Miss Calendar explained.

"What about the love spell?" Cordelia demanded angrily.

"Not an active spell, that was days ago. He's clean," she replied with a shrug.

"I'm a bit surprised," Xander admitted. "A little relieved and upset at the same time too, I suppose. I know I was expecting something, like a bad luck curse or entropy thingy."

"Hellmouth radiation does that all on its own," Miss Calendar explained.

"Just living in this town is bad luck," Xander said with a snort. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Experience," Miss Calendar guessed with a grin.

"But girls have been coming up to him!" Cordelia complained. "Why would they be paying attention to him if not from a curse?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "Maybe, I'm their bad luck," he suggested sarcastically.

"Let me end the spell," Miss Calendar said, picking up the edge of the copper wire only to frown as it disintegrated into flakes of green rust. "Well, that was unfortunate."

"Eww, stop it!" Cordelia ordered, brushing at the thick black smoke that started to pour off her.

"This is going to ruin all my protective enchantments," Miss Calendar complained as grey smoke began to rise from her skin. "I did not expect the Hellmouth's influence to be this corrosive."

Xander undid the handcuffs and stood up. At Miss Calendars questioning glance, he showed her the thumb release switches on them, before setting them in the chair and carefully stepping over the candles.

"Of course they were toy handcuffs, why would she have real ones," Miss Calendar said with a sigh, as Xander left.

"I think it's stopped," Cordelia said, examining herself carefully. "You don't need real handcuffs as long as they're too busy to figure out they're fake," she said, as what the teacher had said registered.

"I suppose that's true," Miss Calendar conceded. "He noticed in the end, but it did the job."

"I've used them on him before," Cordelia said before frowning. "What are these… orange dandruff flakes?" Tangerine colored specs of light cascaded down her body.

The Techno-Pagan turned to examine the brunette cheerleader. "I'm not sure," she admitted. "If it's a spell, it was cast on you as a child, because it takes quite some time for it to subsume itself into your aura like that."

"What?!"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander picked up the crossbow and examined it. "Wow, this is amazing."

"Adjusted the sights, added some padding and reinforcement while I was at it, nothing major," Mr. Hanson replied.

"Definitely worth the money," Xander said, before retrieving his two stakes. "Lead weights?" Xander asked as he hefted them and noticed the difference.

"Makes for a more effective weapon," the shop teacher explained. "Used a pair of old silver coins with the Knights Templar cross for the cap."

Xander examined the ends of his stakes and whistled, clearly impressed.

"Coins are some of the easiest sources for nearly any symbol you might find useful," Mr. Hanson said, "and they're easy to cut with the right tools. That's more of something I teach in jewelry making however."

"I should probably take that course," Xander said.

"Next semester, Mr. Harris, I'll keep a spot open for you," Mr. Hanson promised.

"Excellent," Xander said cheerfully. "Any other courses I should take or books I should read?"

"While they don't teach it here, check the college for a basic finance course. It's something you need to know before you graduate high school and certainly before you start college and end up deeply in debt. That's probably why they don't offer the class in high school, so they can sucker you in." Mr. Hanson shook his head. "As for reading… Algernon Maybach's Guide to Basic Thaumaturgy."

"I'm not sure me and magic are a good mix," Xander admitted.

"Then it's definitely the book for you," Mr. Hanson assured him. "The first chapter is about environmental attunement and how it effects magic. Living here causes you to build up… bad mojo. It's like static cling, only instead of getting a shock when it reached a critical amount, something bad happens. One of the first novice skills he outlines is how to use magical buildup like that to cause small changes in the environment. It's just small things, unstick a drawer, light a candle or extinguish one," he explained.

"Like… cantrips from Dungeons and Dragons?" Xander asked.

Mr. Hanson chuckled. "Yeah, just like that. Small things that cost more magic than they're worth but the point is to burn off the mojo so it doesn't get strong enough to give you a stroke of bad luck, which considering what you do, could be really bad."

"Death and taxes," Xander said with a chuckle. "You can't avoid them, so you do your best to deal with them."

"I'd tell you to start investing for retirement and to remember to pack it in when your reflexes start to slow down, but I didn't listen to that advice at your age, so I doubt you will either," Mr. Hanson said honestly. "Instead, I'll tell you this, take some teaching credits when you get a chance, shop teachers can be missing a few bits and no one questions it."

"Most shop teachers are missing a few bits," Xander said, surprised. "I always thought it was because of on the job accidents."

"Some are clumsy, most aren't," Mr. Hanson said amused. "Now get moving, I've got to close up."

Xander put the crossbow in his bag. "Thanks again."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Do you really think Willy will know anything?" Willow asked as they sat in the school library. She ran her fingers over her new stake absently as they talked.

"Maybe, maybe not," Buffy said with a shrug. "Either way, it's been a while since I've questioned him about what's going on with the local demon population. So it's really no trouble to ask about Xander."

"And what exactly is wrong with Xander?" Giles asked curiously.

"He used up all his stakes doing something last night and then convinced a vamp to give him all its money and its two hostages as payment for delaying me long enough to let it escape," Buffy explained.

"While I have a hard time seeing Xander of all people making a deal with a vampire, I can see him doing so to save two people," Giles said thoughtfully.

"That's what we were figuring, though that still leaves us wondering what he did with all his stakes," Buffy said.

"Staked vampires?" Giles suggested.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "He normally carries a couple of stakes, plus some extras for me, and some more just in case," she explained. "For him to use them all up means something happened, but he's not really talking to us right now and he seems really popular with girls suddenly, which makes no sense!"

"Do you think he's messing with magic?" Willow asked.

"Hey, Giles," Xander said as he entered the library. "Do you have a copy of Algernon Maybach's Guide to Basic Thaumaturgy?"

 _ **Three minutes later…**_

Xander wiggled his arms a little get Giles attention as he sat tied up in the chair in the middle of a circle. "What is going on this time?"

"We are checking you for magic," Giles said as he carefully places several quartz crystals around him.

"Ohhh nice!" Buffy exclaimed as she examined the crossbow she'd found in his bag.

"Hey!" Xander complained. "I get tying me up and checking for spells, but going through my stuff is just being nosy!"

"A bit," Buffy admitted, "but I was just making sure there wasn't anything that gave me the wiggins."

"And then 'Ohhh, shiny.' kicked in," Oz added.

Xander snickered. "Fair enough."

Willow and Giles started chanting, causing the crystals arrayed around Xander to light up with a pure white light. The pair stopped and the light slowly died down and went out.

"Well?" Buffy asked impatiently.

"He's clean, remarkably so," Giles said with a frown.

"Cordelia and Miss Calendar already tied me to a chair and did a mystic cleaning on me to make sure I was clean," Xander explained. "There was copper wire, some candles and glowing white powder."

"Really? Sounds like a very strong aura cleansing," Giles said thoughtfully. "The ingredients are usually quite expensive, that's why I use simple quartz and detection spells before going that far."

"I may have to reimburse her," Xander decided. "Can we untie me now?"

"Wait!" Buffy exclaimed. "What about the book?"

"I don't have any books with me," Xander said, confused.

"Yes, but you were asking for one," Buffy reminded him.

"Fine, untie me and let me check the book out," Xander said.

"I mean it's a magic book," Buffy said intently.

"And?" Xander asked confused.

"And?" Buffy repeated, loosing track of where she'd been going with her investigation.

"Why do you want it?" Willow asked, impatiently.

"Aha! Yes! Why do you want it?" Buffy demanded.

Giles rubbed his temples and muttered something under his breath.

"I'm hungry and thought I might eat it," Xander said sarcastically.

"I meant, what spells were you going to cast from it?" Buffy said, rolling her eyes.

"It doesn't contain spells," Giles said, retrieving a small leather tome. "It's a scholarly work on the basis of magic."

"Oh," Buffy said deflating.

"Why would you want to read something like that?" Willow asked.

"Because –" Xander began.

"It's the latest Jeopardy category," Oz interrupted.

Xander chuckled and Buffy sighed. "Okay, stupid question," she admitted. "Why are you interested?"

"Mostly to learn to avoid it," Xander replied. "Now, either untie me or ask for my safe word."

"Your what?" Buffy asked, as Willow blushed bright red.

"Just untie him," Giles ordered.

 **Typed by – Sitheus Maximus**


	7. Birds of a Feather 4

**Birds of a Feather 4**

 **Chapter 1 - Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 22**

 **Chapter 2 - Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 35**

 **Chapter 3 - And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 5**

Xander looked around Raven's room. It was nearly as bare as his had been last night, having a few items of mystical study, but little else.

"It helps me stay calm and aids my meditation," Raven said, answering his question before he asked it. "Have a seat."

Lacking anywhere to sit, Xander sat on the bed. "What are we going to do on the bed?" he asked, trying to sound earnest and clueless.

"Meditate," Raven said, turning away to hide her blush. "You do know I can read your mind, right?"

Xander shrugged. "The average male thinks about sex every twelve seconds, trying not to just makes it worse."

"Point taken," Raven said with a sigh. "Most of the time that's not a problem as the majority of those thoughts take place in the subconscious. Normally I can't hear people's subconscious thoughts, but yours are... open."

"Which is the reason we are here," Xander said.

Raven nodded and sat next to Xander. "We'll start with some basic meditation exercises that are designed to help you get in touch with your subconscious and learn to distinguish its effects on your mood and behavior."

"I know a bit about that already, it was necessary because of my unique situation," Xander said honestly. "If I didn't, I would have a lot more trouble not eating every herbivore I come across. You have no idea how many vegans there are until you find yourself considering them food."

"You aren't joking," Raven said, surprised.

"My subconscious labels plant eaters as prey," Xander explained. "I have no idea the human nose was even capable of distinguishing between meat eaters and food- I mean prey- erm, vegans."

A scuttling sound came from underneath Raven's bed, causing her to roll her eyes. "No eating Beast Boy," she deadpanned.

"No promises," Xander replied with a smirk.

A small green cockroach shot out from under the bed and zipped under the door to the hall.

Raven suddenly blushed and Xander grinned. "Pretty sure that won't occur either, he's not my type," he said, knowing where her mind had went.

"Now you've got me doing it," Raven said with a sigh.

"Let the hentai flow through you," Xander said in a mock Emperor Palpatine voice. "The more you resist the more it pulls you in."

Raven's shadow picked up a pillow and hit Xander with it, surprising them both.

"I need to meditate," Raven said solemnly. "We'll have to continue this later."

"I'm going to go, not think of purple elephants," Xander told her, just before his stomach growled. "And have lunch."

Raven frowned, her mind was now filled with thoughts of purple elephants, breaking her out of the perverted loop she was in. She'd already regained her center by the time the door closed behind Xander. "This is going to be more challenging than I thought," she admitted.

 **OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Ahhh!" Beast boy screamed and ran out of the kitchen when Xander entered.

"What's with him?" Cyborg asked, perplexed.

"He decided to listen in on my therapy session with Raven," Xander replied.

"And?" Cyborg asked.

"He found out that I can actually tell vegans by smell and class them with herbivores, as food," Xander replied.

"You eat people?!" Cyborg exclaimed in shock.

Xander rolled his eyes. "Of course I don't eat people."

"Ahh, sorry," Cyborg said, calming down.

"As if vegans were really people," Xander said, shaking his head before frowning, "Ignore that bit, I'm still working on some things."

"You eat... humans?" Cyborg asked cautiously.

"No," Xander said, shaking his head firmly. "I don't eat anything that can talk, vegetarian or not, it's just that my subconscious mind sees plant eaters as food."

"Weird," Cyborg said, shaking his head, then trying not to laugh as he considered Beast Boy's reaction.

"And speaking of food, what do we have in the way of it?" Xander asked.

Cyborg opened the fridge and looked inside, noting a wide variety of Beast Boy's tofu meat substitutes. "What say we hit the town for some food?"

"You buying?" Xander asked. "Because Batman still has all my stuff, including almost all my road trip fund."

"Not a problem, I'm loaded," Cyborg assured him. "I was planning on picking you up a bunch of stuff anyway, since you'll be hanging around us for a while." Cyborg lead Xander down to the dock so they could take a boat to the city.

"I've already got most of it covered," Xander assured him. "Except for possibly hitting up a magic show and grabbing some movies."

"You sure?" Cyborg asked as they stepped aboard a speedboat that started up automatically.

"Positive," Xander assured him. "Clothes, toiletries, and furniture are all good. I just need some basic magic supplies and some stuff to keep me entertained."

The boat steered itself while they talked, but since Cyborg didn't seem concerned, Xander wasn't either.

"You're a magic user?" Cyborg asked.

"No more than a script kiddie is a hacker," Xander said, knowing Cyborg would get the reference. "I can only do the most basic things that anyone can do. I can cleanse a room of bad vibes, ward against evil spirits, and make a damn good dream catcher. The only active magic ability I really have is the ability levitate a pencil."

"I thought magic was either flying around changing people into animals or complete null with nothing in-between," Cyborg admitted.

"For every 'invent anti-gravity' scientist you have thousand upon thousand 'improve my TV reception' types," Xander explained. "Magic is the same way, except so few people get involved in it that you really don't see many of the 'coat hanger and rabbit ears' types."

"Only those with a lot of potential get involved," Cyborg said thoughtfully.

"And the ones who don't, don't make waves," Xander said. "I use it to help me get a good night's sleep and I'm working up to 'able to retrieve the remote without getting off the sofa'."

Cyborg laughed. "That would be pretty cool. You give lessons?"

"I'll teach you what I know," Xander replied, watching the approaching shoreline, "and after that five minutes is up you can read ahead."

Cyborg grinned. "Sounds like fun. Where to first?"

"It's your town, what do you suggest?" Xander asked.

"Bob's Burgers," Cyborg said confidently. "They have the best burgers in town, plus the owner's youngest daughter keeps trying to find a code on her universal remote that will allow her to control me and that's always fun."

"Pretty sure that's wasted effort," Xander said with a snicker.

"Occasionally I pretend she gets a code right and activates something," Cyborg admitted. "She gets so excited it's always fun to see."

"Dinner and a show, I like it!" Xander agreed as his stomach growled.

"Let's hurry before you take a bite out of a tourist," Cyborg joked while wirelessly calling for a cab.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Your aura looks lighter," Raven noted as Xander and Cyborg returned carrying a half dozen shopping bags.

"A combination of time away from the Hellmouth and at least three impromptu cleansing spells and one exorcism," Xander replied.

"The shop keepers trying to banish evil spirits when you entered the shop wasn't all that surprising, but when we stopped for holy water and that priest leapt out?! I did not see that coming," Cyborg said shaking his head.

Xander shrugged. "I'll take any free cleansings they're willing to give me."

"Even taking into account the fact that you've lived on the Hellmouth your entire life, your aura should not be that dark," Raven said.

Xander opened his mouth to reply, paused and check to see if he was being influenced to answer. Raven smiled slightly and nodded, pleased to see he'd been listening to her and taking her words about mental influences to heart.

"While I don't have to answer this one, logically I probably should," Xander said. "I've been present at some pretty major events, including the opening of the Hellmouth. I've spent a decent amount of time standing directly over it and fighting demons, so my aura being not exactly sunshine and puppies? not remotely a surprise."

Raven nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Xander replied, unable to think of anything else to say. He turned to Cyborg. "Ready to see if you have any mystical potential?"

"Sure the metal won't interfere?" Cyborg replied, rapping on the metal section of his skull with a metal fist.

"You aren't fae and this isn't Harry Potter," Xander replied. "None of that should have any effect."

"Excellent, let's see if I can make with the magic," Cyborg said eagerly.

"What method are you planning on using?" Raven asked curiously.

"The light brite method," Xander replied. "A simple crystal focus, since we aren't checking for anything more than just the amount of mojo."

"Would you mind if I watched?" she asked.

"The more the merrier," Xander said, hitting the button for the elevator.

"Wouldn't you have noticed if I had any mojo?" Cyborg asked Raven as they entered the elevator.

"I'd notice if you cast any spells," Raven said thoughtfully, "but magical potential has to be exercised regularly for others to sense it."

"Like a body builder," Xander added. "If you lift, regular people can tell, but if you don't, no one can just see the potential without the right equipment."

"A strange analogy, but it works," Raven said after a moment's thought.

The three exited the elevator and headed for Xander's room, ignoring the squeak and flash of green as Beastboy fled.

"At least half of that is him playing it for laughs," Raven told Xander.

"I figured," Xander replied. "I was the joker for my group, so I get it."

"You were the joker?" Cyborg asked, surprised. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I-" Xander shook his head and swallowed what he'd been about to say. "Someone has to keep everyone from snapping from stress."

Raven nodded. Being an empath she was acutely aware of how much Beast Boy's antics helped the group relax and blow off steam. She subtly increased Xander urge to open up and make friends with them.

"Bell, book, and candle?" Raven asked as Xander opened the door to his room.

"Chalk, crystal, and candle," Xander replied as he entered his room.

The two Titans looked around his room.

"Ok, I'll bite," Cyborg said, "where did you get all the stuff?"

The single bed that had been in the room had been replaced by a king size four poster bed with canopy. The simple dresser had been replaced by a pair of nightstands, a full sized dressed with mirror, a roll top desk, and an expensive looking wardrobe in the corner.

"That's... a missing Monet," Cyborg said, scanning a painting on the wall. "It's authentic!"

Raven turned to Xander. "You are amused. Despite all the effort and expense, this was just done as a joke."

Xander grinned.

"I think it's time for another lesson." Raven said. "Sometimes even when you see the attack coming, you won't be able to resist it head on, you have to learn to deflect."

Xander felt his toes curl as Raven smiled at him and laid a hand on his arm and leaned in close enough for him to look down her shirt.

"Is that an Adams Family Pinball machine?!" Cyborg exclaimed in shock.

Xander got a dopey look on his face as he slid an arm around the dark haired mystic.

"Would you mind telling me how you did all this?" Raven asked softly.

 ***SMACK***

"Not by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin," Xander told her as she leapt back and rubbed her butt.

Raven quickly regained control over herself. "I can feel your emotions. You didn't defend against that at all. In fact, you still feel enthralled."

"I am completely enthralled by you," Xander agreed, running his eyes up and down her body, causing her to wrap herself in her cloak.

"You aren't behaving like you are," she said as he stepped closer to her.

Xander took one of her hands and kissed her palm. "Not everyone responds the same way."

Raven quickly stopped what she was doing and reclaimed her hand, pushing down her blush and preparing for him to get angry that she'd been manipulating him.

Xander blinked and reached down and adjusted himself. "Next time you test me like that... we should probably be alone." He grinned at her look of surprise and heavy blush.

"Woot! High score baby!" Cyborg cheered as the Adams Family Theme played on the pinball machine.

"I-" Raven stopped and shifted her shoulders. "How did you undo my bra?!"

Xander grinned. "Ok, two active abilities."

"You aren't going to explain, are you?" she asked, sensing his amusement.

"You could always ask," Xander said, trying to sound as innocent and earnest as possible.

"I... have to go meditate," Raven said, quickly retreating.

"Multiball!" Cyborg cheered.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	8. Distant Relations

**Distant Relations**

 _Summary: His great grandfather looks like a first year student, but holds the key to a world of surprises._

Harry awoke to find a young boy watching him. "Wha-? Who are you and how'd you get in here?"

"Good Morning, Harry," the dark-haired boy said calmly, sitting on the only chair in the room and leaning on a staff as tall as he was. "Sorry it took me so long to find you, I mean the blood wards did call out that you're of my line, after all. My only excuse is that I'm old and I didn't know my granddaughter had a child."

"You're claiming to be my grandfather?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"Great grandfather, Harry," the boy corrected gently. "Do try to keep up."

"You look like a child," Harry pointed out, just in case that fact had escaped his gran- … great-grandfather's attention.

"And when you get to be my age, you'll look like a child to me," the boy said. "Humans age in reverse from my point of view."

"Are you claiming to be Merlin?" Harry snorted, recalling the muggle fable about Merlin aging in reverse.

"Actually, I believe he was something like your seven times Great-Uncle," the boy said. "I'm the same as him, but if we're related, other than through you, it's not directly. Why, is it important?"

"I'm still waking up here," Harry said. "This will probably make a lot more sense after a shower."

"I wouldn't bet on it, but go ahead, I'll wait."

"You don't mind?" Harry asked.

"At my age, you learn patience," his great-grandfather assured him.

"Erm, Okay," Harry said, getting up and gathering his things. He was mildly surprised to find the door unlocked, but guessed the strange young boy had unlocked it. "Make yourself at home, I'll try and make it quick."

"Take your time," the boy said as he turned in the chair so his head was where his feet had been and gave off a relaxed sigh.

Harry stepped into the hall and noticed how quiet it was. 'Dursleys must have gone somewhere', he thought to himself, relieved they wouldn't be there to demand he stop wasting hot water and get out of the shower after a few minutes, as was their habit.

It was a much more awake and refreshed boy-who-lived that greeted his guest twenty minutes later. "Alright, I'm no longer half asleep. Who are you, really? And how'd you get in here?"

"My name is Horc," the young boy explained. "I know it's the most common name ever, but your great-great-grandparents had no imagination when it came to names. I walked in the front door. It was a simple matter to bypass your guard, who is passed out drunk in the bushes, and to put the residents of the house into a deeper state of hibernation."

"And you expect me to just believe that?" Harry asked, staring at the boy sitting upside down in the chair like it was normal.

"Of course not," the boy said, shaking his head. "I expect you to ask for proof and once I've provided it, we'd go on from there."

"That… seems a lot more reasonable," Harry admitted, surprised. "What kind of proof do you have?"

"What kind would you like?" Horc asked, getting to his feet. "I can produce no end of documents, but they are so primitive I could forge them more easily than retrieving the document in question. Would a display of power be useful? My people have a variety of powers that yours do not."

"Like what?" Harry asked.

"Control of the wind," Horc said, raising a hand and causing the air to swirl around the room for a moment before dying back down. "It's useful when the AC breaks down."

"Wizards do that all the time." Harry pointed out, wondering how he'd managed to do it without a wand or a spell.

"Wizards are the descendants of my people mixed with the local people, like the ones who live in this house for instance," Horc explained. "Most of what I'm capable of should be possible for them, just not to the same degree and obviously they'll need tools, which I myself do not," Horc said, pointing at Harry with his index finger raising him into the air and setting him back down.

"Alright that was impressive," Harry admitted. "So, you are my great-grandfather? And what… are you?"

"As I've said," Horc agreed. "And my people… well, the name is a bit embarrassing since that Tolkien fellow made a race called Orc's which in no way resembles us."

"Orcs?" Harry asked.

"I believe Orcans is more fitting, but yes," Horc agreed.

"So I'm one eighth orcish?" Harry asked, wondering if he was dreaming.

"Orcan," Horc corrected him firmly. "And thanks to converging bloodlines, it's more like one sixth."

"And what does that mean exactly?" Harry asked.

"It means you have enough Orcan blood for me to awaken it," Horc replied. "My time on Earth is almost up and I was putting my affairs in order when I discovered your situation. While I don't have much time, I do have enough to at least train you in the basics if you'd like."

"This is a lot to take in," Harry said, pinching his arm.

"You aren't dreaming," Horc told him.

"I know, but this seems even weirder than my dreams," Harry replied.

"Reality can be like that," Horc agreed.

"So awakening my blood will do what exactly?" Harry asked.

"Allow you to do more with what you have, without relying on those fragile magical tools, physically strengthen you and get rid of that Revenant in your scar," Horc explained.

"What Revenant in my scar?" Harry demanded.

"That wizard who killed my granddaughter and gave you that scar left an echo of himself in there. If not for your Orcan blood, it'd have taken over and made you into a clone of him," Horc explained calmly.

"And suddenly, awakening my Orcish blood sounds like an amazing idea!" Harry said quickly. "Does it take long? And will it hurt?"

"It's not painful at all and it takes around twenty four hours, which will give me a good six hours to train you," Horc said cheerfully.

"You only have 30 hours?!" Harry exclaimed in shock.

"Thirty-three," Horc corrected him. "I didn't want to leave anything to the last minute."

"Alright, let's do it," Harry decided.

"I'm glad you agreed," Horc said, getting up and leaning on his staff. "I prepared a spot at the local park so we wouldn't be interrupted."

"Is it complicated?" Harry asked, thinking about potions and rituals.

"Incredibly so, compared to what wizards do," Horc agreed. "But this way ensures complete success, while the other way has almost a one percent chance of catastrophic failure."

"And how long does the other way take?" Harry asked.

"About three seconds, however I'm told it's a bit uncomfortable," Horc explained.

"I'd rather you do the three second way and spend the extra twenty-four hours with you," Harry told his great-grandfather.

"Seems a bit much of a risk for a mere twenty-four hours, but considering the short lifespans of magicals, I can see why you'd choose it," Horc said thoughtfully. "It really takes a couple of bleems to appreciate how much time there is in a single second."

"Bleems?" Harry asked curiously.

"Eons," Horc corrected himself.

"So… what do I have to do?" Harry asked.

"Just lean down so I can touch your forehead," Horc replied.

Harry leaned down so the much smaller boy could place his index finger against his forehead and a second later his world disintegrated into excruciating, debilitating pain before fading away.

"That… was more than a little discomfort!" Harry exclaimed hoarsely.

Horc considered that for a moment, before shrugging. "It's more a matter of perspective I suppose. After all I have experienced, I would consider it no more than a momentary discomfort," Horc admitted.

"My perspective is that it was worse than being Crucioed by Voldemort," Harry said, before looking faintly surprised. "I feel fine now, in fact I feel great!"

"You didn't explode, the revenant is gone and I'd say you've got at least three-fourths of the strength of a full blooded Orcan," Horc said with a smile. "I think that went rather well."

"I hope that's stronger than Voldemort," Harry said.

"He was at one sixth as well, so definitely," Horc assured him.

"You've tested Voldemort?" Harry asked.

"I got a good scan of him while I was working near here around December well over a decade ago and he passed through," Horc explained. "It was only for a second or two, but easily long enough to get a measure of him."

"What do you do?" Harry asked curiously, realizing how little he actually knew about his great-grandfather.

"I'm an ecological balance adjuster," Horc explained. "I don't imagine the details will mean much to you, but there was an offshoot of an intellivore species that had developed an immunity to all local means to control it. I've spent nearly every waking minute since, seeing to its eradication. This planet has enough problems without having an overly aggressive intelligence eating plague encouraging their worst behavior."

"I understood almost none of that, but from the bits I did understand… Thank you!" Harry said sincerely.

"Happy to do it," Horc assured him. "I'm just glad I got it done in time."

"What can you tell me-" Harry began, only to be interrupted by a beeping noise.

Horc reached into his robe and pulled out an egg that pulsed with light with each beep. "Damn it all!" Horc cursed.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked.

"I miscalculated my remaining time," Horc admitted, tapping the top of the egg and stopping the light and noise.

"How much time do you have left?" Harry asked sadly.

"None, I'm afraid," Horc said, handing Harry the egg. "I had this prepared in case we ran short on time. It'll teach you everything you need to know. Let's step into the backyard, less of a mess that way."

"Less of a mess?" Harry asked, following Horc out the back door.

"You'll want to be at least five feet back, great grandson," Horc said, moving to the center of the yard.

Harry moved back. "Isn't there anything I can do?" he begged.

"You'll see me again one day," Horc assured him kindly.

Horc raised his right hand and managed "Na-Nu, -" before vanishing in a burst of light and heat not unlike a phoenix, leaving behind a perfect circle of charred grass and earth.

Harry just stared in shock, a perfect white egg clutched in his hand.

 **Three days later…**

Harry laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. Sirius' death had been traumatic and he was still grieving when his great grandfather had appeared in his life and then died right in front of him, not even an hour later. It had been several days and he still didn't know what to think or feel about it. The young… old man had treated death like nothing more than taking a trip, and that he would see Harry again when would take the same trip himself.

It was kind of humbling to witness that amount of faith.

Or was it faith? He'd seen ghosts and even witnessed the shades of his parents coming from Voldemort's wand in the cemetery.

Dumbledore had called it the last great adventure and said it was nothing to fear.

Perhaps he was right and all he was doing now was boring those watching from the other side who'd given their lives so he could live.

That was rather rude of them, if it were true.

He turned on his side and looked at the egg on his nightstand, and as always, it was pristine, white and useless.

His grandfather hadn't gotten a chance to explain how to use it, just raised his hand, stuttered the word 'now' or maybe 'new' and incinerated everything in a five-foot radius.

"Harry, are you alright in there?" Tonks asked cautiously before slowly opening the door.

Harry, who was lying there naked as the day he was born, just turned to look at her and said, "Isn't it customary to ask if someone is decent first?"

Tonks blushed and spun around, her hair turning fire engine red. "Sorry, let me know when you're decent!" she exclaimed.

"I'm decent now," Harry replied.

Turning around Tonks found he was still exactly the same. "You're still starkers!"

"Well, yes," Harry agreed, "but, I'm still decent. The fact that I'm not wearing anything doesn't change the content of my character."

Tonks just stared at him as she admitted, "I have no answer to that."

"Have a seat and tell me what brings you by," Harry suggested.

"It's been three days and we didn't get a message saying you were fine," she replied, keeping her eyes on his face at least eighty percent of the time.

"I've been distracted," Harry confessed.

"Muggles not giving you any trouble?" she asked.

"Not since they started hibernating last week," Harry replied.

"What?" Tonks asked.

"My great grandfather came by three days ago to spend his last hours on Earth with me," Harry explained. "Dung was passed out in the bushes and he put my relatives into hibernation so he could talk to me without interruption, then he walked out back and died in a burst of flame like a phoenix, not even leaving ashes behind."

"Oh, Harry," Tonks said sadly, ignoring his nudity to give him a much needed hug. She wasn't sure what was going on, but the lost and confused look on his face called out to her.

"The old man only knew I was here 'cause the blood wards called to him," Harry continued. "He apologized for not finding me sooner and just came to spend his remaining hours with me."

"I didn't know you had a great grandfather," Tonks said, trying to ignore how Harry's hands were alternately cupping her rear and massaging it.

"Well, I don't now," Harry said with a sigh. "Or maybe I do. He had no fear of death and treated it like going to the park, knowing I would join him later after I had lunch and did the dishes. That kind of… intensity is humbling and makes you think."

Tonks wiggled, finding it hard to concentrate fully on his words with the way she felt her body and his beginning to respond. "Think what?" she asked, knowing that wasn't Harry's wand poking her.

"That Dumbledore is right, death is simply the next great adventure and that maybe I'm dishonoring their memory by moping about when I should be living," he said, looking into her eyes.

"Th-that sounds like sound reasoning," she agreed, staring into the most intense green eyes she'd ever seen.

"I think so too," Harry said, pulling her head down.

They'd just started snogging when a chill filled the room and ice began to form on the windows.

"Wha?" Tonks asked, coming back to herself.

The window cracked as a skeletal figure in a tattered cloak pushed at the glass.

"D-dementors!" Tonks exclaimed in shock.

Harry froze, but instead of hearing his mother's cries, this time all he felt was a towering rage. He would not be cock-blocked by a bargain basement knock-off spectre of death!

Tonks brought her occlumency barriers up and concentrated on her happy thoughts, knowing Harry's life counted on her. "Expecto –" she began, but was interrupted as Harry yelled, "DIE!" and shattered the window, leaping through it to tackle the dementor.

 **Typed by – Sitheus Maximus**

 **AN: Guess the crossover!**


	9. Like Fathers, Like Son

**Like Fathers, Like Son**

Laughter echoed through the fake graveyard he'd built inside an empty warehouse in lower Manhattan.

Spiderman spun around, trying to pinpoint his fishbowl headed foe in the fake fog that surrounded him. "Olie-olie-oxen free!" he called out.

"Even at six on one I couldn't beat you," Mysterio said, "It was a hard lesson, but one I accepted... eventually. But do you know what other lesson I learned?"

"That crime doesn't pay and you'd be better served by putting your talents to legitimate uses?" Spiderman asked hopefully.

Silence fell in the warehouse for a moment before the hero and villain both burst out laughing for nearly a minute.

"That was a good one," Mysterio admitted. "What's next, you'll offer me a hostess fruit pie?"

Spiderman slid a hand into his belt and pulled out a cherry fruit pie.

"I... seriously?" Mysterio asked.

Spiderman laughed. "You caught me as I was finishing lunch, so I had it on me."

Mysterio laughed. "Go ahead and eat it, I have a five-minute monologue to go through and with your mouth occupied you won't be able to interrupt me," the villain suggested.

"I do like throwing you off your game... but I am still hungry," Spiderman admitted. "What the hell, go ahead, I'll listen."

"Thank you," Mysterio said before the sound of rustling papers was heard and he restarted his speech, "Even at six to one-"

 **Five Minutes Later...**

"-but a baker's dozen!" Mysterio finished with a laugh as thirteen of the graves split open, cryotubes filled with the exact same figure... but one.

"He looks half baked," Spiderman said as he pointed at the half-filled Spiderman's outfit.

"He isn't even tall enough to reach the program emitters," Mysterio agreed, "but to be fair, I bought all this second hand, so a few errors are bound to creep in.

"Program emitter?" Spiderman asked.

"Brainwashing headset," Mysterio explained, "It just seems so bland a description."

"I'm not sensing any danger," Spiderman said, walking to the closest clone and checking for a pulse. "He's dead."

"What about the others?" Mysterio asked anxiously.

"Let me check," Spiderman said, going from coffin to coffin. "Looks like... I think it was the program emitter, because some of them have blood leaking from their masks."

"Well... fuck," Mysterio said. "Pardon my language, but I'm a bit upset."

"Completely understandable," Spiderman said, "I'm probably going to cuss up a storm myself when I accept the fact that I'm going to have to dispose of them."

"I... hadn't thought of that," Mysterio said. "I'm going to split now, my plans ruined and... and bye."

"Bye," Spiderman said, waving at one of the cameras and wondering who to call. "Hawkeye owes me a favor..."

 **Avenger's Mansion**

"Barton here," Hawkeye answered his phone as he opened the fridge and looked inside.

*indistinct muttering from the phone*

"Ah hey, Spidey, what's up?" He pulled half a dozen items out of the fridge and piled them on the table.

*indistinct muttering from the phone*

"Seriously? Well... I can call Fury and he'll send a cleaning crew. Nah, I can't guarantee that, but the last half a dozen times they ended up pacifists or tortured loners who only showed up to rescue people and brood." He assembled six different sandwiches while talking on the phone.

*indistinct muttering from the phone*

"Well, maybe a little, but seriously, there is actually a Steve Rogers clone who did that, it was adorable," Hawkeye said with a grin.

*indistinct muttering from the phone*

"Opened a portal to a world that lacked a Captain America and pushed him in," Hawkeye said, frowning as he saw all the sandwiches had vanished. "Funny thing is, it was still the eighties there, and he changed his costume, grew a mullet, and called himself Nomad, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen."

*indistinct muttering from the phone*

He made another half a dozen sandwiches, keeping one in hand and grinned as a red-faced Quicksilver appeared, sticking his head under the faucet in the sink and gulping down water. "I'll take care of it. Later!"

"Hah!" Hawkeye crowed before taking a bite of his sandwich.

"I switched your sandwich with one of the others as well," Quicksilver rasped out with a grin.

Hawkeye's face turned red and he gasped out, "That's the price of doing business, still worth it!"

 **Ten Minutes Later...**

Spiderman waved as a nondescript RV disgorged half a dozen agents to collect the corpses of his clones. "Remember, no resurrecting them as revenge obsessed villains."

"That hasn't happened in over three years," Johnson, the agent in charge, assured him, "and the guy was completely incompetent."

"That's a bit reassuring," Spiderman said. "So, what are you going to do with all of them?"

"Some bits are used for biological research, a fair amount of your organs will be used for organ donations, and what's left will be cremated and buried at sea," the agent explained.

"Organ donation?" Spiderman asked, surprised.

"Cloned organs have a lot less wear and tear than ones from your average adult and while the whole spider thing may make tissue matching a bit more selective, they make up for it by being more robust," he explained, in far more detail than Spiderman felt comfortable knowing about.

"You guys dispose of a lot of Spider people clones?" Spiderman asked doubtfully.

"You have no idea how often we have to shut down illegal cloning labs filled with altered humans that were going to be used as shock troopers," Johnson said, shaking his head.

"We got a live one!" someone called out as he ducked, just avoiding a thrown SHIELD Agent.

"You'll never take me alive!" the small figure in the too large Spiderman outfit yelled, before yelping and diving behind a tombstone as bullets tore up the fake sod in front of him. "I take it back! Take me alive, please!"

"Everybody, hold your fire!" Johnson called out. He turned to Spiderman. "I thought they were all dead."

"I didn't check the half formed one, I figured it was dead or it would have finished maturing with the others," Spiderman explained.

"Come out with your hands down," One of the agents ordered.

"Why down?" an agent asked.

"Web shooters," he replied.

"Sooo... who are all you people and why were you trying to put me in a body bag?" the clone asked cautiously, as he crept out from behind the fake tombstone.

"Mysterio's attempts at brainwashing killed all the other clones," Spiderman explained. "You're the only survivor and the fact that you survived is a surprise considering you're probably like a half-baked biscuit under the costume."

Johnson winced. "While probably a fair assessment, that's the least tactful way possible of getting the point across."

"Hold that thought for a second," the clone said before pulling out the waistband of his costume and looking down. "Nope, I'm good."

"Seriously?" one of the agents asked, while keeping his gun trained on him.

"Seriously," the clone replied while slowly removing his gloves. "Just removing my web shooters, stay calm."

"Careful, I know all your tricks," Spiderman warned his clone.

"Actually, you don't," the clone disagreed, removing the web fluid capsules and putting them in a compartment on his belt.

"Genetic memory means you only know what I know when the sample was taken," Spiderman said smugly. "He used the Jackal's tech, I know all its ins and outs."

"Contaminated sample," the clone countered. "I didn't develop as fast because the cloner had to work with twice as much data, thus not really a clone... I have two dads!"

"I have no response to that," Spiderman said.

"Who is your other... donor?" Johnson asked.

"One of the earlier Mysterios," the hybrid clone replied. "Not sure who has the costume and equipment now, but he probably used the blood that got on the costume when we... erm, when Spiderman and... Daddy Mysterio fought."

"What do we do now?" Spiderman asked. "I mean, he's not an evil clone of me, or Mysterio for that matter, but he has all my memories which makes me a bit leery of simply letting him loose. Any ideas?"

"Having a criminal for a father is not a crime, nor is knowing a bunch of secrets," the hybrid clone pointed out.

"Actually, the law is deliberately flexible on people knowing state secrets," Johnson pointed out. "While we can't put you in prison, we can hold you indefinitely."

"Normally, that may have been possible," the hybrid clone agreed, "but you are overlooking one critical piece of information."

"And that is?" Johnson asked curiously.

"Don't give him a straight line," Spiderman groaned.

"This," the hybrid clone replied and snapped his fingers, vanishing from the warehouse.

"Oh, _that_ Mysterio," Spiderman said, recognizing the teleport ability.

"For the record, I'm pretty sure he would have teleported away even if I hadn't given him a straight line," Johnson said. "Well, he's your problem now, we have all the others ready for disposal."

"Fair enough, remember to grab all the gear so the new Mysterio can't pull this again," he replied.

"Already on it," Johnson promised.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Hello Francis," Deadpool said cheerfully as the clone appeared in a beat up apartment.

"What? How did I get here? I'm not Francis!" the clone quickly denied before grinning. "Hey, that's right, I'm not Francis! I can be whoever I want!"

"Well, you're not 'the' Francis," Deadpool admitted, "but that's easy to tell as you have all your limbs attached."

"Hey!" Not-Francis complained, his memories of fighting Spiderman and losing a leg still close to the surface.

"No, not that Francis and I said limbs, not just half of 'A' limb, drama queen," Deadpool said with a chuckle.

"How do you know all this?" Not-Francis asked nervously, seriously weirded out.

"I read the notes the author makes while doing research, what little there is of it. Anywho, my teleporter is on the fritz so I have a weird alien teleporter catch field set up so I can teleport home and not end up having to walk everywhere," Deadpool explained.

"I understood some of that," Not-Francis said slowly.

"He's full of it," an old blind woman said as she entered the room. "He was hoping to catch one of the of X-Men, that's why he's got it set up."

"One, it's the easiest way to send Siren her Christmas present, and B, you suck," Deadpool told her.

"Better than you ever will," the old woman said with a smirk. "Being blind has heightened my other senses, allowing me to do things you can only dream of!"

As the two began to seriously argue about what effects blindness would have on the ability to give head, Not-Francis slowly edged towards the door. His spidey-sense wasn't warning him of anything, but he was pretty sure it didn't protect his sanity, just his body.

"A better fitting costume is in the bathroom," Deadpool called out, before Not-Francis could make his escape.

"I have to pee anyway," Not-Francis muttered, pulling up his sagging tights and walking down the hall.

As the door to the bathroom closed, the old woman turned to Deadpool and asked, "Ok, what gives? You are never this nice or generous."

"I got a deal going with Destiny," Deadpool said with a grin. "I do a little favor for her, she does a little favor for me."

"Helping the kid is your favor to her I'm guessing," she said.

"For not being able to see the nose on your wrinkled old face, you really hit the target sometimes," Deadpool noted.

"And for having the gift of sight, you still manage to piss everywhere but in the bowl, but then having a baby's dick is one of the cruelest handicaps and must make it nearly impossible to aim," she snapped back. "So, what's the favor she's doing for you?"

"I told you that in confidence!" Deadpool snapped out. "Besides, its grown back from being cut off and is back to full regulation size once more!" He glared at her for a moment. "Don't roll your eyes at me old lady. Despite their pearly white surface, I can tell."

"And the favor?" she asked, ignoring everything else he said.

"It involves Siren, a kiddy pool full of lime jello, and my favorite sexy wall crawler," Deadpool said excitedly.

"Did you remember to include yourself in the request?" she asked with an evil grin.

"Of course I did! What kind of idiot... I have to go do something, be right back," Deadpool said before standing up. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and quickly rushed around the room, rearranging all the furniture before departing.

The blind woman shook her head and cursed as she ran into the coffee table on the way to the kitchen. "What an asshole."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Not-Francis, but possibly Peter, examined his costume in the mirror. It was a green and purple Spiderman outfit with black highlights and a few of the more useful Mysterio toys built into its armored mesh.

"Crazy or not, this is some quality work," he said, experimenting with the different settings on the built-in goggles. The blacklight setting made him cringe as he saw an army of stains covering every surface. Then he noticed someone had 'written' something on the wall.

"Examine your face in the mirror," he read aloud and considered it for a second before scanning the bathroom for electronic devices. With the exception of the webcam in the shower, set right in the open, it looked clear and the mirror wasn't a two-way mirror, so he took off his new mask and found himself staring in shock.

He knew he was a composite clone of Francis and Peter, but until this moment it hadn't really sunk in.

"I am a handsome... kid," he finished with a frown. While the combinations of features from the two men had turned out favorably, giving him Francis' ice blue eyes, high cheekbones, and broader shoulder along with Peter's full head of thick hair, heavier jaw, and thankfully smaller nose, there was no doubt the face in the mirror wasn't even old enough to get a learner's permit.

Putting back on his mask, he turned and got a look at the doorknob. With a shudder, he turned off the blacklight setting and crawled out of the window, leaving the bathroom locked behind him.

 **Ten Minutes Later...**

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

"Hurry up in there kid, my back teeth are floating out here!" the old woman yelled.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	10. All that Glitters 1

**All That Glitters 01**

Xander looked around the throne room once more before turning back to the David Bowie look-alike that was sitting on the throne. "I thought you could only wish babies away."

"So did I," Jareth replied, unconcerned. "You live you learn." He stared deeply into the crystal ball he was holding.

"Standard rules?" Xander asked.

"Indeed," Jareth agreed, "she has thirteen hours to traverse the labyrinth and rescue you."

"Good luck with that," Xander said with a snort before turning to a nearby goblin. "Who do I see about learning some magic?"

Hoggle scratched his head. "Depends on the type of magic."

"Got any healing types?" he asked curiously.

"Lady Arwen," the big-headed goblin replied. "Not sure she'd teach you, but you can ask."

"Beats sitting around here waiting for a rescue that'll never arrive," Xander said.

"My Liege?" Hoggle said, trying to get the king's attention.

"Yes, yes, just keep him out of my hair, Humphry," the king said distractedly, not looking away from the heart of the crystal ball.

"It's Hoggle, sire," he corrected the king only to receive a dismissive wave.

"Technically I'm the prince, right?" Xander asked as the goblin lead him off.

"Until you're rescued," Hoggle agreed. "They always rescue the tots, so it's never been a big thing."

"Well as prince of wherever we are–" Xander began.

"I've always liked the NeverNever," Hoggle interrupted.

"As prince of the NeverNever, I wish to abuse my authority for a few cheap laughs," Xander said.

"Well of course," Hoggle agreed, "no point in having authority otherwise."

"Any suggestions?" Xander asked.

"Wine, women and gold," Hoggle suggested.

"I don't drink, goblin women probably aren't my thing, but gold sounds useful," Xander said.

"It's either that or the treasures, and no one sane wants those," the goblin said leading Xander into a courtyard dominated by an enormous apple tree. "Here you go, I'll be back in an hour to see if you're still alive."

"Pardon?" Xander asked, only to find himself alone in the courtyard as the exits vanished. "This isn't good," he muttered to himself as he examined the walls to see if they were climbable.

The surface of the tree rippled as a dainty hand with bright red nails emerged from it.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"You wished him away to the goblins?" Buffy asked Cordelia in stunned disbelief.

"For the last time, yes!" Cordelia snapped out. "I was in the hallway with that new transfer student and she was asking what I'd wish would happen to Xander and I did that line from that David Bowie film with the puppets. Next thing I knew the lights are flickering, the wind is blowing, and her face gets all veiny."

"Did she say 'wish granted'?!" Giles asked intently.

"Kind of," Cordelia replied with a frown. "She looked surprised and shrugged before saying, 'wish, sort of, granted'."

"You know something?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"The description thus far is one of a vengeance demon, they grant wishes to wronged parties, wreaking terrible chaos and destruction," Giles explained.

"The lights went out, a crystal ball appeared in my hand, and Xander vanished," Cordelia said, "not exactly a lot of chaos and destruction."

"The Hellmouth is a weak point in reality, yeah?" Faith asked.

"That's a descent description," Giles agreed.

"So maybe Jareth is real somewhere and answered the call," Faith said as she stared into the crystal ball, fascinated.

"That's… actually quite feasible," Giles said with a slow nod. "A being of some power, influencing dreams, thus it was made into a movie here, while in closer realms he's more a fact of life."

"If the movie's right, someone has to brave the labyrinth and rescue him," Faith pointed out. "You only have thirteen hours to do it, too."

"Do we have a copy?" Buffy asked. "I mean, I've never actually seen the movie and if I'm going to rescue him, I should probably watch it first."

"You've never seen it?" Faith asked in disbelief.

"I'm not a big puppet person," Buffy said with a shrug.

"It has David Bowie in it," Faith pointed out.

"The old British guy?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah, I'm doing this," Faith said firmly.

"What?" Buffy asked, shocked at Faith's declaration.

"I know the movie backwards and forwards," Faith told Giles. "I'm the best shot at getting him back."

"I suppose that's true," Giles admitted.

"Plus, time's running out, I gotta go now," Faith said.

"Let me grab you a sword," Giles said hurrying to the book cage.

"Are you sure you can do this?" Buffy asked.

"It's the Labyrinth," Faith said with a brief look of hunger on her face before hiding it behind her tough girl persona once more, "nothing is sure in there, but I'm damn sure going to try!"

"How dangerous is it?" Cordelia asked, trying to sound uninterested.

"Extremely and not at all," Faith said thoughtfully as Giles returned with a sword for her that she strapped to her back. "It's the land of the fae and this is a test, so even if I fail, I should be fine, possibly changed, but fine."

"Changed?" Willow asked nervously as Oz squeezed her hand.

"The Bog of Eternal Stench would make me smell like ass forever," Faith pointed out. "Sarah only faced a few of the things the Labyrinth held, so nothing is certain, but Jareth offered her instant passage home several times if she gave up. I should be fine."

"That's correct," Jareth said, causing everyone to spin around as the spiky-haired goblin king revealed his presence. "Of course you could always just agree to trade places with him, it's been far too long since the Labyrinth has had… a queen."

Faith raked her gaze up and down his body and found herself more than a little tempted.

"Doesn't the one who wished him away have to rescue him?" Oz asked.

Jareth sighed. "I suppose she should be… involved, however she's already marked by another, so she's hardly a prize."

Cordelia turned away, furious as she placed a hand on her stomach where the scar from the rebar lay.

"I got a couple of tats and some nicks myself," Faith pointed out.

"None of yours were made by cold iron," Jareth pointed out. "I can remove them all with a snap of my fingers. "He smirked as he realized they'd completely misunderstood what he'd pointed out.

"You in?" Faith asked Cordelia.

Cordelia bit her lip and considered the question, still angry over the scar on her stomach that she'd gotten when she'd discovered Xander cheating on her with Willow, that boyfriend-stealing skank!

"If it help he's currently… with the Lady Arwen, partaking of her… fruit," Jareth said with a grin.

"He's off getting laid while we're worrying about him?!" Cordelia demanded. "Let's go save the bastard!" she ordered.

Faith laughed at the shocked look on Jareth's face. "You can't make someone miserable if you can't get to them."

"So the two of you are certain?" he asked, letting nothing he was feeling show on his face.

"I'll go as well," Buffy said, seeing a chance to help.

"No," Jareth said bluntly.

"What? Why not?!" Buffy demanded angrily.

"Your dye job offends me," he replied. "The false face these two present to the world requires skill, while yours is simply bleach and playing dumb when necessary."

Cordelia smirked while Faith laughed so hard she had to hold her sides.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"For humans sex is different," Xander said as he took a bite of the apple.

"I'm well aware," the dryad assured him. "The human way doesn't really work for me anymore, you're all… fleshy and soft. Plus you'd end up with splinters and sap in a very uncomfortable place if we tried."

"It worked for you once?" Xander asked curiously.

"Oh, yes," she assured him. "I was once soft and squishy like you. It was a great deal of fun. While many are born dryads, I chose to become one."

"Now that sounds like an interesting story," Xander said.

She smiled broadly as he ate. "Eat another couple of apples and I may be persuaded to tell you."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Can we make it in time?" Cordelia asked doubtfully as she stared at the entrance to the Labyrinth and its towering walls topped with spikes, a massive castle just barely visible in the distance.

"We can," Faith said confidently. "The game's no fun if you can't lose."

"Risk, reward… there's a balance to be maintained," Jareth agreed. "If I just snatched up children at random it'd be no fun at all."

Cordelia gave him an annoyed glare. "I can't see that cheating bastard being that great a prize."

"Who said he's the prize?" the goblin king asked before vanishing in a swirl of feathers.

"Sure, that's not ominous at all," Cordelia complained.

"Just stay close, keep your eyes peeled, and remember the fae are just like lawyers – they obey the letter of the law if not its intent," Faith said with an excited grin.

"Why are you so into this?" Cordelia asked. "Do you… like Xander?"

"X is ok," Faith said with a shrug. "He's come in handy at times, from what I've seen. He may not be able to keep it in his pants, but he'll risk his ass to save someone so that puts him a step above most guys."

Cordelia sighed and looked away.

"Anyway I loved the movie Labyrinth as a kid," Faith said, changing the subject, as she didn't want to have a heart-to-heart with the rich girl, "always thought Sarah should have dropped her brother off and then joined Jareth. Her parents sucked and she fit in here. Can't tell you how many time I wished myself here. Now, I'm no Sarah, but I can at least test myself against the Labyrinth."

"I should have wished him to my favorite spa," Cordelia grumbled. "OK, let's go."

"Stay close," Faith reminded her. "I can't win this without you."

"Right," Cordelia agreed as she cautiously followed the brunette Slayer into the maze.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"I like her," Sarah said, startling Jareth who almost dropped the crystal ball he was holding.

"Sarah!" he exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Dear," she said with an evil grin, "it occurred to me that it had been a while since you'd gotten up to any mischief and I thought I'd pop in and see what it was."

"I can almost guarantee it's not what you think," he promised his queen.

"A lesbian couple, trying to rescue their child?" Sarah guessed.

"A pair of co-workers trying to rescue an ex-boyfriend," Jareth replied, holding up the ball which showed an image of Xander.

"A consort for our daughter?" Sarah teased, eyes sparkling with excitement.

"What?" Jareth shuddered. "No, more like a buzzing little insect, a pet at best. Besides she's much too young to have a consort."

"I'll go tell her that, shall I?" Sarah asked with a smirk.

"Of course… not," Jareth said. "If we're going to do that we might as well tell her we forbid her from marrying this Xander fellow." The king shorted. "She'd be handfasted to him by morning."

"She is your daughter," Sarah agreed with a grin.

"Not only mine," he reminded his wife as he placed a kiss on the back of her hand.

Sarah all but purred, when the sound of a suit of armor being knocked over in the hall rang out.

Jareth sighed. "Our daughter?"

Sarah grinned. "Who else?"

"How much do you think she heard?" he asked.

"Handfasted by morning, you said?" Sarah asked brightly.

Jareth groaned.

 **Typing by: Jarreas**


	11. Lucky at Cards 4

**Lucky At Cards 4**

 **Chapter 1 – Yet Again Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 4**

 **Chapter 2 – And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 3**

 **Chapter 3 – And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 6**

"A bit of an overreaction," Oz offered once Xander had left, "but no rope burns, so it's okay."

Willow blushed even harder.

"A point in our favor, I'm sure," Giles said sarcastically, though obviously amused.

"At least we know Xander isn't playing with magic," Buffy offered.

The doors to the library burst open and Cordelia stormed in. "I need a book on magic, pronto!"

Oz exchanged a look with Buffy and held up the rope.

Buffy nodded.

Giles groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Sarah examined herself in the mirror once more and cursed her genes. Girls like Chase and Kendall had trim athletic bodies and were blessed with huge racks, while she was short, dumpy and had… Okay, even she would admit she had a decent pair of breasts, even if her butt seemed to be designed as a counterweight for them.

She adjusted her white babydoll nighty and checked her legs, thankful she'd shaved them just the other day so they were still perfectly smooth.

Turning away from the mirror she looked around her room. She'd done as he'd told her, set up scented candles, used vanilla scented body spray and even placed a thin red handkerchief over her lamp to help set the mood.

She pushed aside her doubts. She'd asked him for help and part of his price was… a very romantic night together. Harmony and Aura were just a quickie in a supply room, he wanted more from here, he wanted the kind of night she only read about in romance novels and he expected her to give it to him.

She shivered a little and went to turn up the heat. She wanted everything to be perfect. He'd be here in just a couple of hours to… Oh, yeah. She'd completely forgotten about Roger or whatever was pretending to be him.

What had been an inescapable death sentence for her was something that didn't even merit a raised eyebrow from Xander. Damn, but that was hot!

It was a couple of hours until Xander was due to arrive, so she decided to see what other ideas she could come up with to make it even more romantic.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander looked at his watch. He had almost half the day left before he had to meet up with Sarah, so what to do now?

With a large wad of cash burning a hole in his pocket, he could practically hear the comic book shop calling him.

 **10 minutes later…**

"– using ultraviolet lights to burn vampires is a valid tactic," Andrew whined.

"Moonlight should burn them as well or at least give them a tan than!" Jonathan argued.

Xander looked over at the Gamer's table as he entered his favorite den of nerdity and geekdom, and saw the ever present alpha nerds arguing as usual.

"You need to leave your jacket and backpack off while you browse," the owner, Bob a balding, middle aged man reminded him, as always.

"On it," Xander agreed, dropping off his stuff at the Gamer's table.

"Xander, tell him ultraviolet lights are a valid defense against vampires!" Andrew demanded.

"No, tell him that makes no sense as vamps can walk around on heavily overcast days even though the clouds don't block ultraviolet at all!" Jonathan snapped back.

"Blade?" Xander asked, recalling vamps getting burned with ultraviolet lamps in the movie.

"It looked really cool!" Andrew said excitedly. "And only Dracula walked around during the day in his stuff."

"It looked really crazy," Jonathan replied.

"Blade was mostly a techno-thriller, trying to use hard science," Xander said, recalling the Scoobs' watching the movie and picking it apart. "Science is the problem, Science is the answer. In a tech driven world, despite the whole blood god thing at the end, ultraviolet works. In a supernatural world like Dracula, all it would do is hurt his eyes."

"Hurt his eyes?" Jonathan asked.

"Yeah, the slightly glassy look vamps have is because of an increase in the reflective surface on the back of their eyes allowing them to see in the dark. The wider vision range makes them more susceptible to ultraviolet than we are," Xander explained, having listened to Giles lecture to Buffy on the subject. "It's annoying but lacks the power sunlight has, because the sun is holy, being the first object of worship by humanity."

"Why doesn't moonlight burn vamps?" Jonathan asked curiously. "It's just reflected sunlight, right?"

"The moon was most often worshiped by people in favor of all the ghouls and beasties," Xander replied, "meaning the spiritual component is different."

"Makes sense," Jonathan agreed.

"What if you get your ultraviolet light blessed?" Andrew asked.

Xander paused. "I don't think anyone has ever tested that. If I ever find out I'll let you know."

"Find out?" Andrew asked confused as Xander vanished into the racks of comics.

Jonathan and Andrew exchanged confused glances.

Seeing a glint of silver and a bulge in one of Xander's jacket pockets, Jonathan looked around before reaching over and pulling out Xander's stake. Jonathan and Andrew stared at the stake in shock for a second before Jonathan hurriedly put it back.

Andrew stared wide eyed as Jonathan peeked in Xander's backpack.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Satisfied?" Cordelia asked.

"Yes, you have no traces of magic on you," Giles agreed.

She examined her arms as Oz untied her. "You're good at this, I don't even have rope burns." She glanced over at a bright red Willow and muttered, "It's always the quiet ones."

Buffy raised an eyebrow, but Oz gave a small shake of his head.

"Why do you want a… magic book?" Giles asked.

"While making sure Doofus hadn't been casting any spells, some spell that was cast on me broke and I want to know what it was," Cordelia stated.

"If you went through the same cleansing ritual Xander did, it will have wiped all traces of the spell from your person," Giles replied. "I'm afraid there's not much we can do at this point."

"What?! But it was weird and freaky! There was all these little orange flakes, like Simpsons' dandruff coming off my skin!" Cordelia complained. "It better not have harmed my complexion or someone is going to pay!"

"Orange flakes?" Giles asked, suddenly paying close attention. "Similar to fish scales, perhaps?"

"Yeah, only more…" Cordelia agreed, searching her mind for the word.

"Tangerine," Giles stated.

"Exactly!" Cordelia agreed, focused on Giles.

"Sounds like you know the spell," Buffy said.

"Indeed I do. It's used when you wish to ensure a girl remains a virgin either for sacrifice or marriage," Giles stated.

"She's a virgin?!" Willow sputtered out in stark disbelief.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, but didn't even bother to respond.

"Someone wants to use her as a sacrifice?" Buffy guessed.

"It's possible," Giles agreed. "The standard spell has to be recast every three months to remain effective and unless one of her parents is a magic practitioner or has hired one to keep her 'pure', it is the most likely explanation."

"Miss Calendar said the spell was cast on me when I was a child because it was almost completely… submerged in my aura," Cordelia said.

Giles looked at her in shock. "I… I suppose it could have been cast on you as a child, but the amount of magic needed would be enormous, possibly more than would be gained by sacrificing you!"

"Yay," Cordelia deadpanned with a sigh. "How would it keep me a virgin anyway? Does it make my hymen bulletproof or something?"

Oz blinked and stared at nothing while Giles smothered a laugh.

"No," Giles replied. "It would encourage things to go wrong so sex would not occur. It would start off simply, like things to ruin the mood, like a run in your stockings or a spilled drink on your blouse. If you continued on, it would manipulate you emotionally, making you see everything about the boy in a negative light. Finally, if even that failed, it would work on the emotions of those around you causing strife and discord to separate you."

"You mean the reason I couldn't keep a serious boyfriend was this stupid spell?!" Cordelia demanded angrily.

"More than likely, yes," Giles agreed.

"I dumped Xander on Valentine's Day!" Cordelia said suddenly.

"Yes, I'm aware," Giles said irritably, still annoyed with everything that had occurred because of that event.

"Yes… and the spell wasn't removed till a little while ago," Cordelia said with a pointed glare.

Giles blinked and blushed. "Ah, yes. That would have been a likely reaction from one under the spell if they were planning…"

"Planning?" Buffy asked, causing Willow's eyes to widen in shock and horror.

"Confucius say, Virginity like balloon, one prick all gone," Oz quoted, heading off the rising tension.

Cordelia was the one to blush and turn away this time, before quickly recovering. "Well, if magic broke us up, then it's not my fault. In fact, I don't accept being broken up! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to give an unfaithful boyfriend a piece –"

"Of your mind?" Oz broke in.

Cordelia stopped. "That too," she agreed, before storming out of the library.

"We've got to stop her!" a wide-eyed Willow told Buffy before the two chased off after the departed teen.

"You know a lot about the spell," Oz noted, once the girls had left and it was only him and Giles in the library.

"As I said, it was often used for ritual sacrifices and the more old fashioned watcher's families were known to cast it on their daughters," Giles said, suddenly finding cleaning his glasses to be of great interest.

"What's the easiest way to break the spell?" Oz asked.

"Swallow a live goldfish," Giles replied reflexively. "One goldfish, doubled per day you need to shorten the length of the spell, since scales from a dead goldfish are one of the core ingredients for casting it."

Oz raised an eyebrow.

Giles put on his glasses and cleared his throat. After glancing around to make sure the girls really were gone, he said with a smirk, "I held the record with a mate in college for most live goldfish swallowed."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Damn it, where could he be?! Cordelia exclaimed angrily.

"I'm out of ideas," Buffy admitted. "Willow?"

Willow sighed. Somehow her plan to stop Cordelia from defiling Xander had evolved into trying to help Cordelia find Xander and she had no clue how that had occurred. "We've tried all the places he normally hangs out, obviously he's somewhere else."

"I was planning on beating info on Xander out of Willy. I can see if he knows what Xander's up to now, though he probably doesn't know anything," Buffy admitted.

The three climbed in Cordelia's car and headed for the demon bar near the docks.

"Just because you were under a spell doesn't mean it was responsible for your actions," Willow said, recalling what she'd done while under the effects of the love spell Amy had cast and how some of them were things she'd actually planed on doing if she ever got up the courage.

"I dumped him on Valentine's Day, in front of everyone, during the school dance, just after he'd given me a beautiful necklace and let me know how much he cared," Cordelia replied. "I had plans for the night that would have made any new Mantis ladies ignore him completely and instead I dumped him in the worst possible way on some flimsy pretext about Harmony and the girls. Looking back on it, none of it made any sense."

Willow slumped in the back seat. She'd hoped… but it looked like Cordelia was serious about Xander.

"He cared enough to cause every woman in Sunnydale to try and go all black widow on him," Buffy pointed out.

"He did," Cordelia agreed with a grin. "His plan was to make me fall in love with him so he could dump me in front of everyone."

"That's horrible," Buffy said, making a face.

Cordelia beamed, completely unfazed.

"And you aren't upset," Buffy noted and thought about it. "You aren't upset because by doing that he was basically confessing that he loved you!"

"Loved me, was hurt enough to cause major chaos and I have to admit, when he gets all vengeful…" Cordelia trailed off as she licked her lips.

Willow's mournful sigh was swallowed up by the wind.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Sarah rushed to the door when she heard the knock, pausing to catch her breath before she opened the door. "Xander! I have everything ready and I made us some food while we wait."

"Thanks," Xander said, trying not to trip on his tongue. He'd planned on using her as a distraction so the fledge wouldn't notice him, but he'd never expected her to be this distracting!

A car pulled up just as the door closed.

"We just missed him," Willow noted.

"We can just go in, we're not vampires," Cordelia said, glaring at the house.

"And then we'd never find out what he was up to," Buffy said.

"I know exactly what he's up to!" Cordelia hissed. "She's somewhere around five two!"

"Xander doesn't just randomly boink girls and had his backpack with him," Willow pointed out.

"He's in the kitchen," Buffy said. "They're eating."

Cordelia could just make out a silhouette through the kitchen window from where they were. "I say he's there to cheat on me, what do you think he's there to do?"

"I don't know, that's why we're here," Buffy said firmly.

"Plus, you broke up with him, even if he didn't know it might be magically compelled," Willow added.

"Fine," Cordelia said with a sigh. "We'll wait and keep watch."

"What are we watching for?" Willow asked, after a couple of minutes had gone by.

"If I knew that we wouldn't have to watch him," Buffy replied.

"Someone's coming," Cordelia noted, gesturing towards an approaching figure.

"Everyone down," Buffy hissed and ducked down.

Willow laid flat on the back seat and Cordelia slumped in her seat with a put upon sigh.

After a minute Buffy whispered, "He's going around the back, I think that was a fledge."

"Think that's why he's here?" Willow asked.

"Maybe," Buffy agreed. "Not sure why she's dressed that way if that's the case."

"A couple of girls said something about having to go in together to afford his rates this morning," Cordelia said, not wanting to reveal it was Harmony and Aura who'd gotten Xander when she still hadn't. "They were going to give him a wad of cash to do something for them and that something turned out to be them!"

"Girls are paying Xander for sex?" Buffy asked in disbelief.

"Quite a bit too," Cordelia grumbled out. "He gave them a cut rate because they both agreed to go at once."

"How much?" Willow asked curiously, calculating how much money she had available at the moment.

Cordelia's glare could have melted steel.

"I'm just curious!" Willow defended herself.

"From the size of the wad of cash she held, as a discount mind you, I doubt you could afford his full price," Cordelia said, a twinge of satisfaction in her tone.

Willow's eyes drifted to Buffy, who blinked and then looked back in shock, clearly thinking Willow was considering asking Buffy to help in getting a discount. Willow quickly shook her head, tough the image of her and her two breast… erm, best friends was now stuck in her head.

"Let's follow the fledge and see what's going on," Buffy said quickly, trying to push certain scenes out of her mind, like when her and Willow were alone in Mantis Woman's basement with Xander chained to the wall in just his boxers.

Cordelia was out of the car before Buffy finished with her suggestion, the other two having to rush to keep up.

As they rounded the corner of the house, the fledge exploded into ash outside a bedroom window and they heard Xander say, "Sorry, watching's extra."

The window slid shut and music started playing.

"Is that Barry White?" Willow asked.

 **Typed by – Sitheus Maximus, the easily distracted.**


	12. Change of Tides

**Change of Tides**

Xander ran a whetstone along the edge of his sword, it was something he could do reflexively, and it let his hands work while he thought. One of the things he liked about maintenance work was that no one would interfere or think twice about him doing them. It allowed him to slide under the radar when he wanted to make major life decisions without his friends' well-meaning but interfering advice.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What's wrong?" Giles asked Willow, seeing her standing in the kitchen staring towards the Armory, but doing little else.

"Xander's thinking," she said, with a wince, her posture showing just a hint of worry.

"Oh dear," Giles said, before quietly pouring himself a cup of tea and joining Willow in her vigil.

 _ **Ten minutes later…**_

Dawn walked in, closely followed by Spike, only to find everyone standing around and staring at the Armory in silence.

"What's going on?" Dawn asked, wondering at the almost-tension she could feel.

"Xander's thinking," Willow replied.

"While admittedly dangerous, why's it call for all of this?" Spike jokingly asked.

"Because this isn't 'solve a problem' thinking, where he decides how and what to blow up," Buffy began.

"This is 'change my path' thinking, where he decides things like 'keep Buffy alive' or 'don't set Angel's apartment building on fire'," Willow finished.

"He's pretty good at following those," Faith noted.

"If by pretty good you mean sticks to long after anyone sane would have given up, yes," Buffy agreed.

"So, what's he workin' on now?" Spike asked.

"I don't know," Willow admitted with a frown. "We haven't talked about anything significant lately."

"So we're all just going to stand around until he comes out?" Spike asked doubtfully.

"It shouldn't be much –" Willow began, before exclaiming, "He's coming, everyone look busy!"

Spike watched in disbelief as everyone scrambled for donuts or coffee to try and look casual.

"Hey guys," Xander said, as he entered the kitchen, wiping oil off his hands with a rag. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Buffy said quickly. "Just getting coffee before the meeting."

Willow bit her lip and tried to come up with a believable reason for a meeting she could offer.

"I didn't know we scheduled one," Xander said before shrugging. "Not that it matters at the moment. I'm going on vacation. I haven't had a break since… ever. So put me down as on vacation indefinitely."

"What?!" Willow exclaimed, echoed by a few other as Xander never took time off.

"Where are you going?" Buffy asked anxiously.

"Third star from the right, straight on till morning," Xander replied, sounding completely serious.

"Peter Pan?" Giles asked curiously.

"Yeah, that's the quote, but the departure point isn't England," Xander replied. "I'm planning on taking a cruise or two. I've always wanted to go to sea." Xander grinned and gave a quick wave. "See ya!"

"He looked right through me," Dawn said, sounding upset as the door closed behind Xander.

"Maybe his emotions reset," Faith said sarcastically.

"Faith!" Buffy exclaimed in horror.

The dark haired slayer just raised an eyebrow. "The 'reset emotions' excuse got old before the first day was over and isn't it strange how the only person you have 'reset emotions' for is Xander? I mean you still treat everyone exactly the same, right down to Spike, who you spend most of your time hanging around now."

"You were talking to Xander yesterday!" Willow realized.

"Ran into him having a pity party for one," Faith replied. "It was supposed to be some anniversary or something, but he didn't mention which one and we got to talkin'."

"About Dawn," Buffy said accusingly.

"Nope, her name never came up, except as a side note," Faith replied. "We talked about all the times his mind's been messed with."

"Like when?" Buffy asked.

"He's been possessed, wiped, altered, split and enslaved," Faith listed off. "He said it made him question what was really him and what was bits of a fake him created by people putting memories of stuff that didn't happen in his skull. Like the time he murdered his wife, Anya."

"He left her at the altar," Willow pointed out. "They never married."

"So he remembers getting mad at his cheating wife while drunk and beating her to death with a frying pan in front of the kids," Faith said, completely ignoring Willow. "Tell me this doesn't change a person. He said it turned him into a complete alcoholic, which he had to kick, but really helped with his temper."

"I thought he was drinking because she left him," Willow said softly.

"So… what's really him?" Faith asked. "Can't trust memories, can't trust anything. X said he felt like a wind-up toy programmed to respond by memories of things he didn't know had even really happened."

"And the latest event where Dawn was removed from his mind and then restored, but no longer fit his memories brought everything to a head," Giles guessed.

"He knows he's got years of fake memories of her already, so who's to say all his memories of her aren't fake and she simply popped into being recently?" Faith asked.

"Dawn's been with us for years!" Buffy immediately interjected. "She's real!"

Faith ignored her. "The way I figure it, he remembers a girl he was in love with, who according to the girl herself, no longer exists – "

"I exist!" Dawn exclaimed anxiously, Spike and Buffy trying to comfort her.

"You exist," Faith agreed. "But as you told him, you ain't the girl he loved, that was a different Dawn Summers, one who he has a couple of years of fake memories and programmed emotions for, from the start."

"So he considers Dawn a stranger, all his emotions for her are suspect and any love he felt, something he was either programmed with or manipulated into, for someone who no longer exists," Willow summed up.

"Makes perfect sense on his end," Faith said.

"So his vacation is really just a chance to try and purge his mind of outside influences and romantic entanglements," Giles deduced.

Dawn began crying while Buffy comforted her and Spike patted her shoulders awkwardly.

"We have to get him back!" Buffy exclaimed.

"No, you don't," Faith disagreed. "He's earned a break and a chance to clear his head many times over."

"But Dawn still loves him!" Buffy tried to explain.

"If a guy convinced you that the man you were in love with didn't just die, but no longer even existed and he was just his twin brother, gaslighting you and making you doubt your entire life, would you say he loved you?" Faith asked.

Everyone fell silent, save for the broken sobs coming from Dawn.

"Yeah, it's not something you do to someone you care about," Faith said. "Put me down for some time off as well, I could use a little head clearing myself."

As the door to the kitchen closed behind the departing Slayer, Dawn said in a small voice, "I never meant to…"

"I know," Buffy assured her sister. "None of us really considered how much his head's been screwed with."

"Not to mention the rest of us," Giles noted. "Perhaps we should all look into our own mental health and stability and how our own mental manipulations have affected us."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander looked at the inlet that had taken the place of Sunnydale after it had sank beneath the ground and the ocean had claimed it.

The sound of a motorcycle in the distance slowly grew louder, until a black Kawasaki Ninja came to a stop beside his rental car and the leather clad figure dismounted and took off her helmet.

"Faith?" Xander asked, surprised.

"This crotch rocket was all they had left, don't judge," she said embarrassed, as she ran her fingers through her hair.

Xander grinned. "I was more questioning you being here."

"You got me thinking," she replied. "My head wasn't messed with the way yours was, but I got some things I need to work out as well. You said you had some idea on what would work, and if I ain't intruding, I wouldn't mind trying some of it myself."

"I'd love to have you come with me, if I can find the way," Xander agreed. "My dad… he knew the way. Part of his drinking was because he never had the balls to go back and it ate at him."

Faith looked at the water covering Sunnydale and back to Xander. "If it was here, it's gone now."

"Maybe, but maybe not," Xander said thoughtfully. "See it wasn't in Sunnydale, you could just reach it through Sunnydale if you knew where to go."

Faith chewed on her thumbnail and considered it. "If shit like Narnia existed, I expect Sunnydale would be the place to have a door to it, but it'd probably be a lot more evil and twisted."

"A lot more everything," Xander agreed. "I followed my dad's directions once, so I knew he wasn't lying, but he only talked about the place when he was really hammered so… a lot is guesswork," Xander admitted.

"But it can clear our heads?" Faith asked.

"That's just part of it," Xander replied. "It's dangerous, probably about as much as our normal lives, but in ways we aren't used to and… it'll change you, make you more… you."

"I think… I'm going to need the full story," Faith said. "I know some magic stuff is vague and you can't really nail it down, but give me what ya got."

Xander nodded. "Imagine if the sky was an ocean you could sail and go to places that only existed in stories."

"Like Narnia or Never-Never land," Faith offered.

"And ones you've never heard of," Xander agreed. "The rules of… reality differ from place to place, making all of them possible, but one rule always holds true… people want things, so there is trade between all these places," Xander explained.

"People are people," the dark haired slayer replied thoughtfully, feeling a tingle travel down her back, out of fear or excitement, she couldn't tell.

"The very basic rules of reality seem kinda stable, so the wind blows and ships use sails, but tech and even magic can be fickle," he continued explaining.

"So it's all old fashioned ships like from all those pirate movies?" she asked.

"Mostly," Xander agreed. "I saw one or two more modern looking ships, but most of them looked to be from the time of high sail."

"Alright, I can handle that, but didn't they say having women on board was bad luck back then?" she asked.

"I saw quite a few women sailors," Xander said, looking a bit embarrassed.

"One of them proposition ya?" Faith teased with a grin.

Xander cleared his throat. "I was twelve the one time I got up the courage to go there," he admitted. "I was propositioned by at least half a dozen sailors of both sexes."

Faith laughed.

"So yeah, I don't think there will be a problem with you coming along," Xander said, his blush fading. "But the real danger, other than death of course, is… we are just inside the edge of the spiral. I think Tony said we were five stops in, but I'm not sure. The edge of the spiral is… no magic or demons, no heroes, no… us type people," he said as he waved his hands to encompass both of them.

"The world like most people think it is here," Faith offered.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "If you jumped ship there… you would… fade. Not all at once, but slowly, until you fit."

"And towards the center?" she asked, suppressing the urge to shudder.

"The closer you sail to the core, the more you become," Xander explained. "It's more dangerous, but the rewards are also greater, as are the changes to yourself."

"But won't all the changes fade away once we get back?" she asked.

Xander shook his head. "Vampires have attacked Buffy at home and Angelus even broke in to kill Willow's place to kill her goldfish, but I slept outside during the holidays and never once had a problem. You know why?"

"No, why?" Faith replied.

"Because Tony lived there," Xander replied. "I don't know how far he sailed or what sent him away from the seas and into a bottle, but not all of the changes fade, just enough to let you fit into the world you're in."

"And even as a drunk there was enough left to scare off the local demons," Faith guessed.

"Scare?" Xander asked and then chuckled. "Demons weren't scared, they simply couldn't conceive of setting foot on the property. It was like a strange blind spot. If you go with me you won't be the same when you come back, you'll be more 'you' for better or worse. It drove my dad into a bottle and I don't know what it'll do to us, but… I need to know who I am."

"I got enough skeletons in my past that I'm not entirely comfortable even thinking about who I really am," Faith said openly. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she slowly let the air out, bracing herself before saying, "But Angel made me face up to who I was and Who I wanted to be, regardless of what I'd done and have had done to me. I stopped running from myself then, I ain't about to start again now. I'm in."

"Glad to have you onboard," Xander said with a grin. "Now we just have to find out if I can find my way to the docks… or we just did all this tearing open of wounds for nothing."

"So we rent a rowboat?" she joked.

"Tony got drunk on the beach once and almost made it back by accident," Xander replied. "If the docks I want to reach are still there, we should be able to reach them as the tides change."

"That's something like the full moon, right?" Faith asked. "So… about a week?"

"They don't sail on the water," Xander reminded her. "The tides shift at sunset."

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**

 **AN: Borrowing heavily from the Spiral series by Michael Scott Rohan. If you haven't read it you really should!**


	13. Assassins 3

**Assassins 3**

 **Part 1: Cold Iron Thoughts - Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 61**

 **Part 2: Assassins - Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 67**

"So, what's going on?" Buffy asked, seeing Dawn dressed in more mature clothes and looking noticeably older as well.

"Dawn needs new clothes," Joyce replied as she set a couple of plates of food in front of her daughters.

Dawn transferred her bacon onto Buffy's plate, much to her surprise, before starting in on her eggs and hash browns.

"She has been hitting a rather large growth spurt over the last few weeks," Buffy said, hoping her mother would buy it.

"Hence the need for new clothes, possibly an entire wardrobe," Joyce agreed, seeing that Buffy knew something was up but was being secretive again and she didn't feel like arguing with her.

"Let's just get a handful of outfits for now," Dawn disagreed. "Black Friday is just around the corner."

"I'll go through my closet and see what I've outgrown," Buffy offered, relieved her mother seemed to be accepting Dawn's sudden 'growth spurt' without question.

"Thanks," Dawn told Buffy.

"Don't mention it," Buffy said, quickly getting to her feet and putting her dishes in the sink. "Now, if you'll excuse me, school beckons."

"Have fun storming the castle," Dawn quoted in a poor attempt to sound like Billy crystal, making Buffy grin.

After the front door had closed, Joyce opened her mouth but Dawn held up a hand and silently mouthed a ten second countdown. "Okay, she's far enough away not to hear now."

"You think she listens at the door?" Joyce asked, amused by her youngest daughter's paranoia.

"No, her hearing is just that good," Dawn said honestly.

"How stressful is this conversation going to be?" Joyce asked cautiously.

"Grab your cigarettes," Dawn replied. "I don't pretend to know everything, but what I do know is pretty earth shaking."

Joyce sighed. "Are vampires involved?"

"Yes, but they aren't a large part of my story," Dawn replied thoughtfully. "At least, I don't think so. Last night was pretty crazy and Xander said he'd let me know what he could find out after school."

"Alright, I'll get my things," Joyce said. "We'll let the dishes soak in the sink, I can take care of them when we get back."

 **OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Has anyone noticed any side effects?" Giles asked the assembled Scoobs, who had gathered in the library for lunch.

"I accidentally walked into my bedroom door this morning," Willow offered. "It only took bruising myself on half the furniture in my house before I managed to cure myself of absently trying to walk through solid objects."

"But no physical changes?" asked Giles.

"None I've noticed," Willow replied.

"That's heartening to hear," Giles said. "Buffy?"

"I aced my French test," Buffy said cheerfully. "I also have a wicked urge to crochet something. Everything else seems normal though."

"Excellent," Giles said in relief. "Xander?"

"Tons," Xander said with cheer equal to Buffy's. "It's like I hit the lottery twice in a row."

"Pardon?" asked Giles.

"Superhuman strength and reflexes," Xander replied with a grin. "Perfect accuracy, perfect pitch, perfect mimicry, photographic memory, lightning calculator," he listed off.

"You're all fleshy or still..." Willow trailed off.

"Still a cyborg," Xander said, his cheer undiminished. "I'm me, no more Pinocchio learning to be human gig. I may be a little more mature mentally, but I'm still the one and only, Xander Harris."

"My word," Giles said in shock.

"Um, I, erm, what?" Buffy asked.

"I have all the advantages of a terminator, and none of the 'robot trying to learn to become a real boy' problems," Xander explained. "I can break the speed limit on foot, bend steel, hit a target one hundred times out of one hundred tries, learn anything at speeds no un-augmented human can hope to match, and I only really see one downside."

"What's that?" Willow asked faintly.

"Can't swim," Xander replied. "I sink like a stone in water."

"I'm torn between envy and shock right now," Buffy said honestly.

"What about Skynet?!" exclaimed a worried Willow.

"Doesn't exist," Xander said with relish. "No taking dips in pools of molten lead for me!"

"I..." Giles cleaned his glasses as he considered the matter.

"This isn't something I want getting around," Xander told them, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment. "There isn't a government or corporation on Earth that wouldn't kill to get a peek at the technology in this body. I'm trusting you guys with my life here. Tell no one. Let the Watcher's Council think that chaos magic did its usual chaotic work and used my former primal possession to enhance my mind and body equally, unlike the usual gig, so I'm safe. Buffy, Angel does not need to know about this; this is my secret, not yours."

"Yeah," Buffy said with a sigh. "I think you're being a bit paranoid, but it is your secret. Not sure he won't figure it out on his own though."

"If he does, he does," Xander replied with a shrug.

"While I think the Watcher's Council could be of some assistance to you, I can understand your reluctance to share this information," Giles agreed. "Unless it becomes a life or death situation, they need not know the particulars of your transformation."

"C-can you still have children?" Willow asked.

"Yes, and they'll be perfectly normal," Xander assured her. He leaned over and gave her a hug. "I had stuff added, not taken away. Except bone and teeth," he said thoughtfully.

"You don't have teeth?" Buffy asked with a frown.

"I do, but they are actually a high-tech alloy coated in ceramics," he explained. "I'll never get a cavity or a toothache."

"Lucky," Buffy said, recalling having to wear braces when she was younger.

"Extremely," Xander agreed. "As I said, it's like I won two lotteries in a row."

"What is the name of the movie from which you chose your costume?" asked Giles.

"Terminator Two," Xander replied. "The first one is good for some background, but 'Uncle Bob' is from Terminator Two which was a much better movie with a great soundtrack."

Willow climbed into Xander's lap and he held her like she was a small child, the pair whispering to each other. It was such an intimate scene that Buffy and Giles just exchanged glances before quietly departing.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Dawn walked through the coffee table and then climbed a set of invisible stairs through the ceiling.

"That's a lot more proof than Buffy offered," Joyce said lighting a cigarette with a trembling hand.

Dawn sank back down to the floor like she was on an invisible elevator. "Taadaa!"

"You dressed as Katherine Anne Pryde," Joyce said thoughtfully, "and you actually became her, gaining her X-gene, powers, and skills."

"You know my-her full name?" Dawn asked surprised.

"The X-Men came out in the early sixties," Joyce replied, "I was around Buffy's age. Of course the girl I read about was your age not…"

"Nearly eighteen, though Marvel timelines are notoriously unstable," Dawn explained.

"OK, so Buffy wasn't on drugs or fallen in with the wrong crowd, she was just protecting the world as some sort of mystical warrior," Joyce said before taking a long drag off her cigarette.

"Pretty much," Dawn agreed. "Of course, now she's not doing it alone."

"And she didn't tell me because of the plea bargain we used to make sure she wasn't locked up for arson and half a dozen other charges," Joyce said with a sigh.

"Which is perfectly understandable," Dawn pointed out.

Joyce blew out a cloud of smoke and took a couple of deep breaths. "I can't say I'd have done much different at her age," Joyce admitted. "Any other surprises?"

Dawn phased out of her shirt.

Joyce just stared for a minute. "You'd need skin grafts to get that removed."

"I'm not sure that would even work," Dawn replied.

"No more tattoos until you're thirty," Joyce said firmly.

"I'm not a tattoo kind of girl," Dawn assured her.

"Good, now put your shirt back on," her mom told her, putting out her cigarette and standing up. "I noticed you gave your bacon to Buffy. Do we need to start attending a local synagogue?"

"I'm not Jewish," Dawn replied with a shrug, "but Kitty didn't eat pork products and I inherited her dislike of some things, nothing life-changing."

"You're going to have to change schools," Joyce decided. "Junior high isn't going to teach you anything you don't already know and you'd no longer fit in anyway."

"I was considering hacking into a couple of places and upping my age a little," Dawn admitted.

"Sophomore in high school?" Joyce asked.

"Just a thought," Dawn said.

"It's not out of the range of possibilities," Joyce allowed. "We'll talk to Buffy first, before making any major decisions." She retrieved her keys from her purse. "But first, clothes."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked as they pulled out their books from their lockers.

Willow's eyes were a little red, but she looked happy. "Xander is still Xander, and I'm still his Willow," the redhead said with a small smile. "All is right in Willowland."

"So why..." Buffy trailed off.

Willow sighed. "Before… he needed me," she explained. "I was the brains and he was the brawn, but now he's either smarter than me or will be shortly."

"Ah," Buffy said in understanding.

"The thing I tend to forget is that while he may have needed me, he didn't really need me. He could have buckled down and improved his grade on his own and come up with his own solutions to problems. He spends time around me because I'm important to him, not from any need; but just because I'm his Willow," she explained smiling so broadly her eyes closed for a moment.

"That is really sweet, a little confusing, and probably very frustrating," Buffy said as she puzzled out what Willow meant. "So, what are you going to do?"

Willow sighed. "I'm going to have to do something I never thought I'd do in this lifetime," she admitted.

"What?" Buffy asked, seeing Willow's infamous resolve face.

"I'm going to take Cordelia's advice," Willow said, much to Buffy's shock. "I am going to start moving out of my comfort zone and into Xander's. There is no doubt he loves me, but when I'm done he's going to lust after me as well!"

The bell rang and Willow marched off with fire in her eyes, revealing a shocked-looking Cordelia who was staring in disbelief. "Wow," said Cordelia after a few seconds. "I always just figured she'd snap and he'd wake up chained to her bed one day. I think I owe Harmony a Coke."

 **Typing by: Ordieth**


	14. Kicked in the Side 2

**Kicked in the Side 2**

 **Part 1 :** **Yet Again Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 72  
**

"Reminds me of home," Xander said with some surprise as he entered Gotham. It looked like someone had asked Angel to design a city and he'd made an ultra gothic version of New York, but it felt... very faintly like the Hellmouth. Even though he shouldn't, Xander felt himself relaxing a little. He'd looked up the stats on Gotham and done a bit of reading. Gotham didn't have a very large demon population despite the feel of the place, but it made up for it by attracting the worst humanity had to offer. He'd called Willy to ask about the place after seeing the stats and he'd said the current opinion in the demonic community was that it was the site of a failed attempt at creating a Hellmouth. Most Demons avoided the place because of the high levels of pollution, which made those with senses even a little better than a human gag and choke.

Xander felt his eyes watering and his sinuses begin to stuff up within a few minutes of arriving.

"Glad I gassed up outside of town," Xander said as he saw the prices at the gas station. It took half an hour of driving around before he found the address for his aunt was actually a public park.

Getting out of his car, he used a drinking fountain near the entrance to rinse his eyes and tried to figure out what to do next. His mother exchanged Christmas cards with this address, so it couldn't be fake, but it was without a doubt a public park. Xander took a deep breath and started coughing. The air was cleaner inside the park, but it was still polluted. Walking deeper into the park, he found the air quality steadily improving. He ended up following his nose to the air that smelled the cleanest, which just happened to be around a large greenhouse in the center of the park.

There was a mailbox in front of the greenhouse and Xander chuckled. "Mom said her sister had a green thumb."

"Who's got a what now?" a female voice with a New York accent asked from behind him, making Xander shriek and jump.

The blonde haired woman just grinned as Xander clutched at his chest and tried to catch his breath.

"What were you saying about a green thumb?" she asked curiously.

Xander cleared his through and tried to pretend the last five seconds hadn't happened. "I was just saying my mom said my aunt Pam had a green thumb."

"Aunt Pam?" she asked, looking even more amused for some reason.

"Yeah, Pamela Isley," Xander said. "I haven't met her, but my mom said I was to stop by and say hi while I was here."

"She goes by Ivy," the blonde haired woman said with a grin. "I'm a close friend, I'll introduce ya."

"Thanks," Xander said. "By the way, I'm Alexander Harris, my friends call me Xander."

"Nice to meet ya, Xander," she replied cheerfully and shook hands. "My name is Harleen Quinzel, my friends call me Harley."

"Nice to meet you Harley," Xander said as they walked to the greenhouse.

"So, what brings you by?" Harley asked.

"Just graduated high school so I thought I'd see the US," Xander replied. "I've never gotten a chance to get out of my little corner of the US before, so I wanted to see some of it before I join the nine to five."

"And you chose Gotham?" she asked in disbelief.

"I chose to visit my aunt," Xander corrected her as she opened the door and waved him into the greenhouse. "Gotham I could give a miss to." Xander closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "Oh, thank god, some breathable air!"

"I didn't notice anything wrong with the air outside," Harley said with a frown.

"It's so polluted I swear I heard a couple of leaves scream before turning brown and falling off the tree, if they weren't committing suicide to escape it."

"You and Pam are going to get along like a house on fire," Harley predicted.

"Harley, who is this?" Poison Ivy asked as she started her usual vamp routine, slinking up to Xander, a cloud of pheromones and pollen being released to ensnare him.

"His name's Xander," Harley said with a grin, finding this situation too amusing to stop.

"Really?" Ivy drawled out as she ran a finger across his chest while giving him a half-lidded stare.

Yep," Harley said, popping the 'p' as Ivy rubbed against him, ensuring her chemical cocktail would put him completely under her control. "Xander Harris," Harley added with a smirk.

"That sounds..." Ivy froze, ignoring Xander's hands as they stroked her. "My nephew?" she asked, sounding horrified.

"He did mention that, yes," Harley said trying to sound innocent and failing as she burst out laughing.

"Wait right here," Ivy ordered Xander as she removed Xander's hands from her butt and hurried to her office, quickly returning with a syringe of gleaming green fluid.

Xander stiffened as the serum flooded his system and his conscious mind regained control. "Can we please pretend that didn't happen?" he begged, his face buried in his hands.

"Agreed," Ivy said. "My sister would kill me."

"Good old repression, my most practical and practiced mental tool," Xander said before taking his hands off his face. "What's with the green anyway, and what did you inject me with?"

"An industrial accident and something to neutralize the pheromones and toxins I naturally secrete now," Ivy replied, not wanting to go into details on one of the worst days of her life.

"Tough break," Xander said, recognizing a sore spot when he heard one and quickly changing the subject. "How often am I going to need a shot to avoid doing a 'Flowers in the Attic' spin off?"

Harley burst out laughing while Ivy sighed and rolled her eyes. "It figures you'd have a sense of humor like Harley and the serum imbues you with permanent immunity."

"And green eyes," Harley added.

"What?" Ivy asked before taking a closer look at Xander.

"Green eyes?" Xander asked.

Ivy pulled out a compact and showed Xander his reflection. "Sorry, I guess our genetics are a close match in some areas."

"Actually, this looks nice," Xander said. "I'll just claim they're contacts if anyone asks."

"Good, now let's start over," Ivy said. "Hello Xander, I'm your aunt Ivy. What brings you by?"

"Mom suggested I stop by and..." his voice trailed off and he turned red once more.

"And what?" Harley asked curiously.

"Knowing my sister Jessica, it was probably her teasing me," Ivy said. "I won't take it personal," she promised Xander.

Xander sighed. "She said I was to stop by and be sure to show my spinster aunt some affection."

"Well... I believe we got that out of the way already," Ivy said, the pair ignoring Harley who was rolling around laughing on the ground.

"Next time, how about a simple hug?" Xander suggested.

"And what do you think of Gotham?" Ivy said, changing the subject.

"It should be cleansed with fire," Xander replied instantly. "The air isn't fit to breathe. I can't tell you how relieved I was to find the park outside and even there the air is almost caustic."

Ivy smiled broadly.

"Hey!" Harley complained. "I happen to like Gotham!"

"Sorry, but I can't breathe out there," Xander said. "I'm going to need a respirator just to see the sights."

"I'll see what I can dig up," Harley said cheerfully.

"Go get your stuff from your car, you're staying here," Ivy said firmly.

"Normally I'd at least put up a fuss, but I can't imagine sleeping out in that," Xander admitted.

"You guys are serious, aren't ya?" Harley asked before continuing, "I mean, I always thought Red was joking, but you guys actually can't stand the air here."

"It's only because of my enhanced physiology I can stand it," Ivy replied. "Before my accident, I'd probably have ended up going into shock within an hour of arriving."

"I'm not quite that bad, but I'd probably end up crawling around on all fours in the grass just to get some fresh air," Xander admitted.

Ivy put a hand over Harley's mouth before she could say anything. "Nephew," she reminded her.

Xander laughed at their byplay. "Man, do you guys remind me of me and Buffy."

"Girlfriend?" Harley asked curiously.

"I wish," Xander said. "She has a thing for men old enough to be a founding father, but I still enjoy flirting with her and making comments that annoy her or make her blush."

"Ya can't give up hope," Harley said, "sometimes ya just gotta annoy them until they either accept your love or try and kill ya!"

"Do not look to Harley for relationship advice," Ivy said seriously.

"I can truthfully say every girl I've dated has tried to kill me," Xander said with a grin. "Kiss me, kill me, seems to be a staple in my life."

Harley laughed making Ivy sigh.

"Let's go get your stuff so I can poke through it," Harley said.

 **Ten Minutes Later...**

"You got a harlequin outfit!" Harley exclaimed with a grin.

Xander sighed. "My cousin must have slipped it in there."

"Why would he do that?" Ivy asked curiously.

"Because the villain hangout in Central City has the best nachos," Xander replied. "To be fair, they were the best nachos I've ever had."

"Nachos are nice, but you should taste the pizza at the Iceberg lounge," Harley enthused. "I know Peengy likes to try and be swanky, but even he can't resist a proper Chicago deep dish,"

"Pizza does sound good," Xander admitted, right before his stomach growled.

"You'll have to dress up a bit," Harley said with a grin.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"How did I let you talk me into this?" Xander asked as he straightened his Jester's cap.

"The other choice was a handful of leaves," Harley reminded him with a grin.

"Better be some damn good pizza," Xander said, bracing himself for the air outside the park, only to find it was tolerable. "I held my breath when I got my bags from the car, but the air is almost breathable now."

"The shot I gave you confers a broad-based immunity to a wide variety of toxins," Ivy explained.

"Guess you won't need this then," Harley said, holding up a gas mask painted in white, red, and green.

"Thankfully not," Xander agreed. "You are officially my favorite Aunt."

Xander and Ivy both put a hand over Harley's mouth before she could comment, naturally she licked their hands.

"We'll take my car," Harley said as they were wiping off their hands, pointing to a pink Cadillac.

 **Ten Minutes of Pulse Pounding Terror Later...**

"And here we are," Harley said as she pulled in front of an old-fashioned club that looked to cater to the rich and famous and tossed her keys to the valet.

Ivy let out a relieved breath and stepped out of the car before noticing Xander looked fine. "How are you so calm after a ride like that?!"

"My blonde friend is an even worse driver," Xander replied. "The driving instructor actually quit to join a monastery. Plus, it's not really that I'm calm so much as I'm good at faking calm."

"It said one way street and I was only going one way, I don't see what the fuss is about," Harley complained as they entered the club.

"Sound logic," Ivy said, exchanging a smile with Xander.

The interior was definitely upper class, though Xander noticed the furniture was all reinforced, which considering the size of some of the clientele was obviously needed. He saw several men who were big enough to give a Polgara pause and everyone was dressed strangely enough that Xander didn't feel out of place.

"Picked up a third, and a man no less," a woman in a black leather cat suit with a whip said, sounding a bit surprised.

"He's my nephew," Poison Ivy said with a glare while Harley giggled.

"He doesn't look that young," the leather clad woman assured her, "and I doubt anyone will judge you for it here."

Harley burst out laughing.

"No, I actually am her nephew," Xander replied. "I'm just visiting."

"Ah," Catwoman said, sounding slightly embarrassed. "Sorry about that. Catwoman," she introduced herself.

"Xander," he replied, giving her hand a small shake rather than kissing it as it was presented, not wanting to take his eyes off hers as that instinctively seemed like a bad idea.

Catwoman seemed amused. "Well its very nice to meet you, Xander. What do you do?"

"Make inappropriate jokes and innuendo mostly," he replied honestly.

Catwoman turned to Harley. "Are you sure he's not your nephew?"

"He does seem to take after me, doesn't he," Harley said proudly.

A fight broke out as a broad-shouldered mobster tried to calm down two of the guys in costume and just made it worse.

People started taking cover and overturning furniture to use as shields, something Xander hadn't seen outside a western. Avoiding those involved in the brawl, he made his way to the kitchen door and found a server to take his order.

"What are you doing?!" Ivy hissed at him as he slid into a booth and waited for his food, like half the place wasn't assaulting the other half.

"Waiting for pizza," Xander replied calmly. "Most people are reacting to each other based on how they act, don't act like anything is going on, and they'll ignore you in favor of someone who is acting sneaky or like a threat."

He wasn't sure it'd work outside the strangeness that was Sunnydale, but he was willing to risk being hit over the head with a chair for some food.

Harley quickly joined, picking up a menu. "That's a sound idea. Now, behavioral studies ain't something I've been involved in recently, but in this kinda atmosphere, it's got a fair chance of working. Not nearly as much fun though."

"I'm curious enough to try it out," Catwoman admitted, sliding in next to Xander.

"Why am I always surrounded by lunatics," Ivy lamented as she sat next to Harley.

"Trying to be 'normal' in the world we live in is a lot more insane than learning to deal with it if you ask me," Xander said.

"Put like that I can see your point," Ivy agreed.

Two face rolled past their booth, being chased by Bane who paused at their table, but when Catwoman smiled and nodded politely, he tipped his head and continued on.

A few minutes later as the fight was winding down, Xander noticed a server trying to get his attention from the kitchen door. "Be right back, our pizza is ready."

Once he'd left, Catwoman asked, "He's really your nephew?"

"My sister's son," Ivy assured her.

"He's... interesting," Catwoman purred out.

"He just graduated high school," Ivy replied.

Catwoman sighed. "A bit young for the business, isn't he?"

"He's not involved," Ivy explained, "He's just spending time with his aunt."

"And you dressed him like your girlfriend and brought him here?" Catwoman asked with a grin.

"His cousin gave him the outfit so he could sample the food in villain hangouts," Ivy explained. "Stop trying to make it sound dirty."

"Fine, but you're ruining my fun here," Catwoman complained.

"Well if you want to play Mrs. Robinson..." Harley said with an evil smirk.

Catwoman looked surprised for a brief second before saying, "I think your nephew was just kidnapped by the Joker."

Harley and Ivy didn't even pause to ask how Catwoman would know that before leaping to their feet and rushing to the kitchen. Following pointing wait staff, they reached the back exit just in time to see an ice-cream truck speed off.

"Jessica is going to kill me!" Ivy moaned.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **Kidnapping by: Mark Hamill**


	15. Overlooked

**Overlooked**

Dawn groaned as her alarm sounded.

"Morning already?" Xander asked, as he slid out from next to Dawn and got up.

"Dawn honey, time to get up," Joyce called through her bedroom door.

"I'm up!" Dawn called back.

"Or just about," Xander agreed.

"Wash your clothes yet?" Dawn asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"Your mom was up late doing laundry," Xander replied. "I'll have to wait until she goes to work. Guess I'm a nudist for today," he teased.

"Then you are definitely staying home," Dawn said as she grabbed the clothes she planned on wearing. "I'd never be able to concentrate on my work otherwise," she teased right back.

Xander grinned at her response. "I could do your chores for you," he suggested.

"Don't go overboard," Dawn warned him. "Last time you went on a cleaning spree, Mom thought there was something wrong. I had to spend half an hour convincing her everything was fine."

"I know, I'll stick to what's expected," Xander assured her.

"Good, let's go shower," Dawn said opening the bedroom door.

Xander nodded and followed behind her, his dirty clothes sitting in a pile on her chair.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Joyce looked up from her paper as Dawn set the table. "You don't need to set a place for Buffy, she's at college, remember?"

Dawn looks surprised for a moment. "Oh… yeah."

Joyce fixed Dawn a plate and returned to her paper.

"I'll eat later," Xander told Dawn.

"Hmm?" Joyce absently looked up from her paper.

Dawn shook her head and quickly finished her breakfast.

"Sorry, lost track of time," Joyce said while Dawn put her dishes in the sink. "Let me grab my keys."

"Does Joyce seem off to you?" Xander asked with a frown.

"Probably Buffy not being here," Dawn guessed. "Plus, none of us are morning people, but on the plus side, no more Buffy complaining about the noises coming from our room or interrupting us."

"A very positive plus," Xander said, giving Dawn a peck on the lips. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear she was jealous."

Dawn laughed.

"Honey, are you ready?" Joyce called out from the living room.

"Be right there," she called back, goosing Xander's boxer clad rear, before hurrying to grab her stuff.

Xander chuckled and went to grab his clothes. He didn't know what he'd do without Dawn. "Probably go nuts and kill everyone," he guessed.

If anyone knew the pressures that living in Sunnydale could put on someone it was him, and unless you had someone you could lean on in times of stress, you could end up with some really strange coping mechanisms, provided you didn't just snap altogether.

Once the laundry was started, Xander decided to go for a walk. It was nice out so he didn't particularly need his clothes.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Hey Honey, I'm home!" Dawn called out as she entered the house.

"We're in the kitchen," Buffy called back.

"Not who I was calling Honey, but hi, sis," Dawn said, joining the two in the kitchen.

"Still talking to your imaginary friend?" Buffy asked.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "I'd explain things but you'd just forget all the details the second I quit speaking while your brain rewrites everything to fit your world view... yet again."

"Do I really do that?" Buffy asked her mom.

"Not that I recall, but if our memories kept getting messed with, how would we know?" Joyce asked, thinking about Sunnydale Syndrome as her daughter's friends had described it and recalled past events.

Dawn just stared, shocked that they were actually listening and understanding what she was talking about this time.

"What are you looking so surprised about?" Buffy asked Dawn. "It's a valid question. Truthfully this sounds like something we should call in Giles about."

"I'm looking surprised because every single time we've talked about this, your guy's eyes glaze over and start talking about something else a moment later," Dawn explained. "Are you seriously saying you guys can actually listen to my explanation and remember it now?" she asked hopefully.

"I hope so," Buffy replied. "This is still the first time I remember hearing about it though."

"How many times have you explained it to us?" Joyce asked, concerned.

"I've lost count," Dawn admitted.

"Ok, so now that we can remember, tell us," Buffy suggested.

"Alright," Dawn said and paused. "Where should I begin?"

"At the beginning," Buffy said instantly.

"I was thinking out loud," Dawn replied, annoyed. "Do you remember Marcie?"

"Marcie, the girl who turned invisible, Marcie?!" Buffy exclaimed, concerned.

"That's the one," Dawn agreed. "It started off with her just being overlooked."

"You do know invisible people go crazy, right?" Buffy asked intently, before scanning the room for anything moving without a reason to.

"Am I going to get a chance to tell this story or are you going to go do that stupid thing you do, where you don't listen to anyone and just make things worse?" Dawn demanded, glaring at Buffy.

"Buffy, listen to your sister," Joyce ordered her. "Go ahead, dear."

"Thanks," Dawn said, smiling at her mom. "Anyway, it's something that just creeps up on you. Xander-"

"Your imaginary friend?" Buffy interrupted.

"Not imaginary," Dawn replied, not at all surprised by Buffy's response, "but that's what you guys kept coming up with when I tried to explain it to you."

"That's why I don't have to nag you about chores anymore and why your grades have improved," Joyce realized as she recalled how Dawn's grades had improved along with her willingness to do work around the house about the same time as she'd gained an imaginary friend.

"I had to ask him to cut back on the housework cause it was freakin' you out and he was in AP classes with Willow so my schoolwork is easy for him to explain to me," Dawn agreed.

"And the envelopes of cash?" Joyce asked, seeing connections to all the recent changes.

"Rent," Dawn replied. "The guess that some of the more peaceful demons were paying tribute to Buffy was funny and all, but it was Xander not wanting to mooch off you."

"Well, that explains why you haven't gained any weight even though you eat as much as Buffy," Joyce said thoughtfully.

"Yep, it was both of us eating, not just me," Dawn agreed. "But back to the story. Xander, despite saving you guys several times, kept getting overlooked and forgotten. At first it was just outside of a crisis, but then even when you guys were fighting it happened. The fight with the mayor was the last time you even noticed him. After that, only I could see him."

"But that's not how it works," Buffy said with a frown. "No one sees them, they go crazy, body reappears on death, there's a book on it and everything."

"I don't know why this is different, but it is," Dawn said. "I can see him fine, he's not crazy, a bit quirky maybe, but not crazy."

"Quirky?" Buffy asked.

"He only has one set of invisible clothes so he's kind of a nudist out of necessity at times and he really overreacts if I'm in any sort of danger," Dawn explained.

"There's a naked invisible man living in our house," Buffy said, trying to fit her mind around the idea and recalling the number of times she'd suddenly opened Dawn's bedroom door in the middle of the night, thinking she'd snuck in a boy, and trying to catch her.

"One who does chores and pays rent," Joyce said trying to look at the bright side of this latest brand of strangeness.

"Is he here now?" Buffy asked, glancing around the room nervously.

"I don't trust you enough to say where he is," Dawn replied honestly.

"I wasn't going to slay him," Buffy complained.

"Sure you say that now," Dawn said, "but your track record or keeping promises to me is really shoddy."

"Most of that was from before I became the Slayer or because I was the Slayer and had to fight demons," Buffy complained.

"If you can't keep the small promises, you won't be trusted with the big ones," Dawn said, quoting their grandmother.

"So tell me about him," Joyce requested.

"Like what?" Dawn asked.

"Anything," Joyce replied wanting to know about the boy who was obviously important to her daughter, and from the sounds of it, quite close. "Tell me what you think of him."

"Well," Dawn said with a bright smile, happy to be able to talk about one of her favorite subjects with someone who could actually listen. "I first met him when Buffy brought him and Willow-"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Giles, we've got a problem," Buffy announced as she entered her Watcher's apartment.

Giles looked up from the book he was reading, as did Willow and Oz on either side of him.

"I interrupt the book club meeting?" Buffy asked, amused.

"Tibetan meditation techniques," Giles explained. "We've ran across some solid leads on werewolves who have managed to tame their beast through their usage."

"Like the whole 'carry a pot of blazing coals and walk across rice paper' thing?" Buffy asked.

"That's Shaolin... and a TV show," Giles corrected her.

Willow and Oz exchanged amused glances behind Giles.

"If we roll up your sleeves are we going to find a familiar looking set of tattoos?" Willow teased.

"They are burn scars and no, while I admit that it does sound like something the teenage reprobate I once was would have done, finding the right tools, especially while drunk, in the middle of London was quite beyond our capabilities thankfully," Giles replied. "That being said, it's quite a good show and I'm often surprised with how accurate certain aspects of it are."

"Well, that's me told," Buffy replied. "Anyway, there's a situation with Dawn. Remember Marcie?"

"Invisa girl?" Willow asked. "Is Dawn turning invisible?!"

"No, Dawn is fine," Buffy assured her. "Trust me, she gets more than enough attention to stay visible. You guys remember how you'd occasionally catch her talking to her imaginary friend when you babysat?"

"Yeah," Willow agreed. "She's a bit old for an imaginary friend and I tried explaining that to her, but she'd just roll her eyes."

"Turns out he's not imaginary," Buffy said. "Remember Marcie?" she asked again.

"The invisible girl?" Giles asked before looking worried. "If it's another invisible person then Dawn and Joyce are in imminent danger! You know how the story ends."

"Well apparently they are writing a sequel and we're all main characters," Buffy replied. "However, it's not exactly the same story. While he's invisible to all of us, Dawn sees him just fine. He helps her with homework and chores and has been doing so since sometime just after graduation."

"That... I have no idea what that means," Giles admitted.

"Yeah, and since Dawn can see him, she's kept him sane, crazy as the idea of her helping anyone's sanity is," Buffy said. "It started with being overlooked like Marcie, but something about the situation was way different."

"Like what?" Giles asked.

"Well, for one thing... he was one of us," Buffy said, shocking the three.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Tara looked around nervously. She had meant to head straight back to her dorm room, but had somehow ended up walking away from campus and into one of Sunnydale's plethora of graveyards. She hadn't realized anything was unusual until the sound of a violin had stopped.

"While not the prey I am after, you'll do for now," a man dressed in a long flaming black cloak, carrying a violin, said.

"Y-your not my type," Tara stuttered out backing away.

"But you're mine," he replied, his piercing gaze pinning her in place as he tenderly returns his violin to its case, just before his left arm fell off, dropping it to the ground. He spun around... and his head kept spinning, coming off his neck as he exploded into ash.

"Wh-what?" Tara asked, shaking off her paralysis.

"Not important," a voice informed her as the mist dispersed, revealing the violin case rising to waist height. "You're safe. The pied piper is ash and all is well."

"I'm confused," Tara said, knowing she should be seeing someone but seeing nothing but a floating violin case and a large wad of cash depositing itself in the case before it closed once more.

"And I'm Xander," the invisible man replied, knowing she was responding to the situation and not anything he said. "This is all a dream, so head back home and never think of it again."

Tara watched the violin float off for a moment before recovering and quickly heading for Giles.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

 ***KNOCK*KNOCK*KNOCK***

"Expecting company?" Buffy asked.

"I don't believe so," Giles replied as she answered the door.

"Tara," Buffy greeted her and moved aside to let her in before noticing how upset she looked. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, no, I'm not sure," the blonde witch admitted as Willow hurried over to help her worried looking friend.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Willow asked, concerned.

"I'd finished my shift at the coffee shop and was heading home when I suddenly found myself in a graveyard. A vampire in a black cloak had called me there somehow," Tara explained.

Buffy quickly examined Tara's neck, making her blush. "Not a scratch."

"Y-yeah, he put away the violin he was playing and said I wasn't who he was hunting, but that I'd do," Tara continued.

"There aren't many vampires that use musical instruments to entrance people, it's something that requires skill and some modicum of magical talent," Giles said thoughtfully. "What did he look like?"

"I-I'm not sure, all I can really remember is his eyes," Tara admitted.

"A not unknown side effect from being entranced," Giles assured her. "Don't worry, if he's at all known, we'll find him and deal with him."

"That's not needed, someone already beheaded him," Tara replied.

"Who and what did he or she look like?" Willow asked.

"He said his name was Xander," Tara explained. "I think he was male, but I can't be sure because he was-"

"Invisible," the Scoobs chorused.

Tara blinked and looked around. "Do you guys practice that when I'm not here?"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Xander, mom and Buffy actually listed this time!" Dawn exclaimed excitedly as he came in the front door, and went to give him a big hug. "Ouch!" she complained and started feeling something at waist height. "Feels like wood," she said.

"I thought he wore clothes at night because of the cold?" Joyce asked, trying not to picture what Dawn was doing. "And don't do that in public, even if no one else can see it." She wasn't sure how she should react, never having been in a situation remotely like this before and decided she was going to pretend anything the pair did was perfectly normal until she got a handle on the situation.

"I am wearing clothes," Xander assured her, "and she's not feeling me up, that's my invisible scythe, which Dawn can't see." He tried to stay calm, as once or twice before someone had seemed to respond to something he'd said or done only to find they were responding to something else and he didn't want to get his hopes up only to see them dashed once more.

"How does that work?" Joyce asked curiously, very relieved it had been something innocent, as Dawn let go of what she was holding, blushing bright red while Xander laid a violin case on the coffee table.

"There's a demon called... some German word involving children," Xander explained, keeping calm through force of will as she responded to what he was saying, just like he was anyone else! "The only ones who can see it are children and sick people. Buffy killed one her senior year and left me to do clean up, since she was sick. I kept the scythe cause having an invisible weapon was cool, even if I didn't know how to use it or ever found a use for it. Anyway, when I turned invisible, I realized it would be the perfect demon killing tool because they wouldn't see it coming. It's still invisible, even to me, but it's handy."

"I think I remember Buffy telling me about that," Joyce said. "Do you play violin?" she asked, trying to make small talk.

"No, I took it off a vampire," Xander explained, his eyes tearing up as he talked to Joyce, despite his best efforts. "He looked like the type to collect expensive things, so I added it to today's take."

"How many vampires did you get today?" Dawn asked, as she led Xander to the recliner and climbed in his lap.

"It was a slow night," Xander said, snuggling with Dawn, her touch anchoring him. "I took out two that were stalking a man walking his dog, the last one fled. I picked up another one lurking in the alley behind the Bronze. I followed one who seemed... drunk on something, back to his lair and of course I topped it all off with Mr Music Lover."

"May I?" Joyce asked politely, gesturing to the case.

"Go right ahead," Xander said cheerfully. He loved Dawn, she was his rock, but being able to talk to Joyce again was beyond wonderful.

"Oh wow!" Joyce said, making the pair grin as she saw the case's contents, but she pulled the violin out of the case, letting the money scatter like it was packing peanuts. "I'll have to have this checked, but I think it's a Stradivarius."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"We've got police reports, school records, and yearbook photos," Willow said as she typed away on her laptop.

"He looks friendly," Tara noted, looking at the picture Willow blew up.

"He was runner up for class clown," Buffy offered. "Other than Dawn, who is in no way a neutral source, where can we find out more about him?"

"Diaries?" Tara suggested. "If he was a close friend, you would have at least mentioned him."

"I'll check my Watcher's journals," Giles agreed. "If he was as involved as Dawn says, he'll be in there."

"If I can get a ride by Mom's place, I can get mine from senior year," Buffy said. "He should at least be mentioned in it."

"I digitized mine," Willow said with a grin. "It lets me search by topic as well as date."

"Can you access it from your laptop?" Giles asked.

"Saved it to the hard drive," Willow replied. "You don't keep things like that online."

"Type Xander and see what you get," Buffy said.

"Nada," Willow announced once she'd entered it. "Zero entries. I probably met him through slaying and he didn't make much of an impression."

"Mom's it is," Buffy said.

"I'll give you a ride," Oz offered.

"I'll start on the journals," Giles said.

"See you soon," Willow said, giving Oz a peck on the lips.

"I think you spelled it wrong," Tara said.

"Pardon?" Willow asked.

"You spelled it with a 'Z', but he signs it with an 'X' in the year book," Tara explained.

"Linguistically, that makes no sense," Willow complained, while typing XANDER into the search and hitting enter.

The pair stared as page after page of diary dates filled the screen.

"That's a lot of entries," Tara said.

"This is impossible," Willow said in shock. "It has to be an indexing error!"

"Pick one and check," Tara suggested.

"Here's one from Junior high," Willow said clicking on an entry. She figured it was safe to show an entry from seventh grade, all she did was do homework and read in her spare time back then.

She quietly closed the laptop a minute later as both girls sat there, red faced.

"I don't do that stuff now," Willow said. "I... haven't done half of that with Oz, not even a quarter!"

"I didn't think some of that was possible," Tara said.

"It's probably a mistake," Willow said desperately.

"Found an entry with him on the first page I opened it to," Giles told the pair as he came out of his study with a leather bound journal in his hand as he read it.

"What's it say?" Tara asked.

"It's about the time Willow was kidnapped by Spike," Giles said, before falling silent and frowning.

"And?" Willow asked anxiously.

"Apparently Xander had been worked over by William the Bloody to encourage you to cooperate," Giles explained. "You were making out, despite his injuries, when we arrived. This upset Miss Chase, who ran off and injured herself. Hmm, this makes no sense."

"What makes no sense?" Tara asked, since Willow was in no shape to as she was in complete shock, staring at nothing.

"Despite the comparative severity of their injuries, he was left lying on the concrete while everyone rushed Miss Chase to the hospital." Giles flipped through the entries. "A week later both were in school as if their injuries never existed."

"Is it possible none of this ever happened and everything's changed like when that one student cast the world change spell?" Tara asked.

Willow found her focus once more as she turned hopeful eyes on Giles.

"That... may explain the discrepancies we've noted," Giles allowed.

"Thank the goddess!" Willow exclaimed. "Tell me what we need to fix this and I'll get it now!"

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	16. Call Me Xander

**Call Me Xander**

Lex Luthor scanned the area around him. There were children crying, people running around screaming, and a plethora of the strangest metas, many of them midgets, causing havoc. It was pure chaos! He slid a hand into his jacket and was thankful to find he had his favorite multitool on him, which gave him a measure of security.

"Xander! Xander!" a red haired girl in a very revealing outfit yelled, as she ran though several of the small metas without even noticing them.

"Just Lex or Mr. Luthor," he corrected her, deciding to be polite while he found out what was going on.

"Oh no, it got you too!" she exclaimed.

"What... got me?" he asked.

"OK, listen carefully," the redhead said, "you are not who you think you are. Everyone's turned into their costumes. I dressed as a ghost and I turned into a ghost, see?" She waved her hand through his arm.

"You could be out of phase with the local reality or a computer generated hologram," he offered as he took a second look around and considered her words, "however, I can see some evidence that corroborates your story."

"Good," she said anxiously. "You are Alexander Harris, my best friend. I'm Willow Rosenberg. You go by Xander."

''Alright," Lex said carefully, wanting her to calm down so he could get additional information to confirm or deny her story. It certainly wouldn't be the first time he found his consciousness in another body thanks to someone else's scheme.

"We have to find Buffy, she'll know what to do," she said.

A scream broke out from a block or so away, by someone with really good lungs if Lex was to judge them.

"Buffy! Quick, we've got to save her!" Willow exclaimed before running off.

Lex followed her, easily keeping pace. While he doubted 'Buffy' would be much help, Miss Rosenberg was his only source of information at the moment and he was loathe to give that up.

A young lady who looked like she could have stepped off the cover of a vapid romance novel, much like the ones Mercy read and pretended not to like and he pretended not to know about, huddled against a tree being menaced by several small children in costumes, if Miss Rosenberg's information was accurate.

"Shoo! Shoo!" Willow yelled, running through the tiny monsters and sending them off.

"May I help you, Miss?" Luther said, playing the role of concerned citizen. He found that if you said and did the right things, people were eager to believe you were whatever image you presented them with, regardless of any past evidence to the contrary.

"Oh, Good Sir," she said in relief, leaping to her feet and clutching his arm to her. "I don't know what has happened, I was at a ball and all was well when suddenly I'm here being menaced by monsters!"

He patted her arm. "Have no fear, miss?"

This time Buffy was calm enough to catch the question. "Ah, I beg your pardon, good sir. I am Elizabeth Southerland, daughter of Duke Southerland, and who might you be?"

"Well met my lady, I am Sir Alexander Luthor," he gave a regal nod of his head, "but you may call me Lex."

"A knight?" Elizabeth replied her eyes lighting up. "But where then is your armor?"

"Much like you I too was spirited away," Lex explained. "I was getting ready to retire after a meeting of clergymen and scholars when I found myself here. Fortunately I've yet to see anything I would consider worthy of suiting up for."

Willow stood open mouthed as Xander calmed and charmed Buffy. "We should get you guys someplace safe," she said once she'd recovered. "Buffy's house is nearby, we should go there."

"Once you are safe, we can see to fixing this," Lex assured her, taking Elizabeth's arm in his and following Willow.

"Thank you good sir, my father will reward you heavily for your service," Elizabeth said, greatly relieved.

"Kindness is it's own reward," Lex assured her, 'and a little kindness at the night time and place can yield a much richer reward,' he thought to himself. He doubted that was true in this case, but he didn't want to alienate his only source of information and Willow seemed to value this Elizabeth 'Buffy' so it behooved him to act as if he did as well.

 **Three blocks and two confrontations with tiny monsters later...**

"Here we are," Willow said taking a key from under the mat and opening the front door of a house.

Lex raised an eyebrow, surprised that Willow could manipulate solid matter and removed hologram from the list of possibilities. Adding it to the other data points he'd collected, her story was sounding a lot more likely than any other theory he had the this time. From her actions he guessed she was unaware that she could manipulate solid objects and was just acting on reflex. He decided not to mention it, as the knowledge would either remove her ability, making her less effective or allow her to be much more dangerous than she was at present which would be a significant problem if they ended up working at cross purposes.

"That can't be me!" Elizabeth exclaimed as she looked at a framed picture of herself in shock.

"But it is you!" Willow proclaimed." You must remember!"

Lex broke out of his musing. "There is no reason you aren't both correct. If a wizard reached out into the... ether and brought our spirits into these bodies it would be far easier for him to exchange us with other analogs of ourselves then complete strangers," he suggested, trying to use terminology Elizabeth would understand and an explanation that would encourage Willow to think of him as her friend Xander.

"Other selves?" Elizabeth asked?

"The good lord created much more than just the one Earth," Lex explained, deciding to play upon her faith rather than try to explain the science behind it, "Buffy is the Elizabeth born on this Earth. One of the infinite number of Earths, where people made different choices, more choosing to be workmen then artists, so over time the world changed from what we knew into a place that valued material wealth rather than wealth of the soul."

Elizabeth paused and considered that, having no point of reference to connect it to so she could understand and unwilling to argue with a knight who was obviously her superior, she clung to what little she did get. "The places do all look much the same," she agreed.

"I hadn't thought of it that way," Willow said. "We do have a lot of artists, but the renaissance was much richer in artistic works."

A scream came from the outside and Willow's eye widened. "Cordelia!" she exclaimed, running through the front door.

"This should just take a second," Lex told Lady Elizabeth as he strode to the door, confident that Willow would have handled it as she had the last few confrontations, but making a token effort to preserve his appearance as a chivalrous knight.

He was surprised when he opened the door and was almost run over by a teenage girl in a cat outfit while Willow did her best to distract a Sasquatch like creature, who was half ignoring her as it chased the catgirl.

Lex reached into his jacket and pulled out his Vibrational Torsion device. It was a silver metallic cylinder about twice the size of a pen, it's smooth surface interrupted by sections of emerald crystal and varicolored crystal rings. A simple twist caused the head to open up into four sections, revealing a glowing green crystal.

The hairy creature collapsed instantly while Willow froze and shuddered for a moment.

Lex turned off his Vibrational Torsion device and slipped it back into his pocket. "Willow, are you alright?" he asked, trying to sound concerned even though he was positive it had done her no real harm. He made a mental check mark next to sonics as one of her weaknesses.

"I can't believe I tore my outfit!" the catgirl complained. "Partytown isn't going to give me my deposit back after this!"

"If you guys are safe here, I can go tell Giles what's going on," Willow said, coming inside so Lex could close and lock the door.

"Who died and made you queen?" the catgirl demanded.

"Cordelia we don't have time to deal with you," Willow said, "there are children out there!"

Cordelia opened her mouth, but quickly shut it and just gave Willow a terse nod.

"I'm a ghost, nothing can touch me, so I can get to Giles in about ten minutes if I run," Willow planned aloud.

"Doesn't he have a phone?" Lex asked.

"Yes, but I can't dial right now," Willow replied.

"Tell me the number and I'll call," Lex suggested, repressing a sigh. Really, was a little logic too much to ask?

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

"That was a nightmare!" Buffy exclaimed, tearing the wig off her head.

"Listening to lady useless certainly was," Cordelia agreed with a smirk, still amused by Lex's reaction to watching a few episodes of the Justice League cartoon. She turned off the TV.

Lex reached up to scratch his head and felt latex. Peeling off the skullcap, he was pleasantly surprised to discover a full head of hair.

"My head hurts," complained a voice from the kitchen that everyone ignored.

"Looks like Dracula woke up," Cordelia told Angel only to find he was halfway across the room and holding Buffy's hands. "Hey, we were talking!" she complained.

Lex rubbed his temples, his head hurt and he wasn't sure what to believe. The cartoon he'd watched had shown the Justice League in a really favorable light, but the information it revealed... Everything fit together with what he knew all too well for him not to believe it.

"Xander, I'm talking to you," Cordelia repeated, breaking him from his thoughts.

"I'm sorry, what did you need?" Lex asked politely, reflexively keeping to the good natured businessman persona he'd been using.

"Are you OK?" Cordelia asked concerned for a moment before remembering herself. "I mean, what's wrong with you?"

Lex weighed the various possibilities in his head. This world, because it definitely wasn't his own, had a very negative view of him, however any attempts to pretend to be Xander was doomed to fail and alienate his current allies, and if this night was typical of this world he was going to need allies. He quickly made a decision.

"I... can't remember," he lied.

"Remember what?" she asked.

"Anything," he said flatly. "Who am I?"

"Please tell me you're joking," Cordelia begged, surprised to find the thought of a Xander not remembering her hurt.

"If you like," Lex replied, deciding that generally clueless and naive would work until he learned enough to craft a persona that would fit in with the current group.

"You really can't remember?" Cordelia asked.

"I remember my name," Lex offered. "I'm Alexander Harris but my friends call me Xander. Huh, I didn't remember that a second ago."

"Can someone untie me?" called out the voice in the kitchen.

"Did we kidnap someone?" Lex asked cautiously.

"He broke in and attacked us," Cordelia reminded him. "You knocked him out and tied him up."

"So, I kidnapped him," Lex said looking visibly uncomfortable.

"Self defense, he was high on something," Cordelia assured him.

"I have to pee!" the voice called out.

"Walk me home, Buffy and Angel can deal with him," Cordelia decided.

"Alright, but be sure to point out my house along the way," Lex replied.

Cordelia laughed and then stopped abruptly. "You're serious," she said. "You don't know where you live or what your family-" the brunette shut up and bit her lip. "You'll stay at my pool house," she told him.

"I will?" Lex asked, wondering what was wrong with Xander's family.

"Yes, you will," Cordelia said firmly. "Whatever's wrong, I'm sure Giles can fix it and in the meantime you'll stay at my place so you don't upset your parents."

"Alright," Lex said agreeably.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Lex looked around the pool house. While he was used to a much higher class of accommodations it would suffice for the moment.

"As long as you don't blare the stereo my parents shouldn't complain," Cordelia told him. She paused at the doorway, unsure of why she was being so helpful, but then memories of being strapped down to a gurney, about to be burned alive when Xander threw himself on top of her to protect her from the flames came to mind and she reminded herself that Chases always paid their debts. "I'll see you in the morning," she said firmly and quickly departed, feeling better about her actions.

"Thanks," Lex said as the door closed behind her. He found her behavior amusing, even if she was a bit young for him.

He stopped in front of the full length mirror that was hanging on the back of the bedroom door and took a good look at himself. He had a full head of glorious hair, a... friendlier face, broader shoulders, and he was... young.

He spun around, seeing a flash of movement in the mirror, but there was no one there. Even though he was pretty sure he'd imagined it, he quickly searched the pool house for intruders.

"Must have been my imagination or possibly a figment of memory," he decided, as all he's really gotten was a glimpse of an old fashioned bowler hat.

Standing in front of the mirror he practiced the smile several times until it matched the one on the photo of Xander and his friends in his wallet. "Call me Xander," he said cheerfully.

 **Typing By: Kaws**

 **AN: I put off posting this for so long because it seemed to lack the humor I like to see in my stories, but then I realized I really didn't want this to be that funny because (spoilers).**


	17. Rewrites

**First Knight - Discarded**

"We've gone down at least twenty flights of stairs," Buffy said, "how many more flights do we have to go down?"

"No idea," Xander replied with a shrug.

"No idea," Kennedy repeated. "I thought you knew everything about this place."

"Not remotely," Xander said as they stopped to give their legs a rest. "I know some things and they are only right three quarters of the time, because even those things can change."

"That's crazy," Willow said.

"Now you're getting it," Xander replied cheerfully. "Solstice is not human, she just mimics one at times. Her actual thought processes are so far removed from what we can understand that I lure telepathic demons here to dispose of them."

"How does that work?" Dawn asked reaching into his pants to adjust himself.

"They try to read one of Solstice's avatars, look briefly confused or frightened, then their heads explode," Xander replied with a shrug that drew everyone's eyes to her breasts.

"Then how do you get along with her so well?" Buffy asked, his nose wrinkling in thought.

"Because I treat Solstice differently based on each avatar and their behavior," Xander replied.

"So an avatar of me gets love and affection," Dawn said with a wicked grin, before having to adjust himself again.

"Unless it's a kill crazy version of you," Xander agreed.

"Kill crazy?" Buffy asked worriedly.

"I'm pretty sure the avatars aren't just illusions," Xander replied, "they are real people from other timelines and worlds, some of them radically different from our own. Accepting the power Solstice offers you makes you a part of her and she interacts with reality by the use of avatars, manifesting them here as needed."

"Have you dealt with many hostile avatars?" Willow asked.

"In the beginning that's all I dealt with," Xander replied. "It was only after the second year I started getting friendly ones. Solstice likes emotions, strong ones, with no real preference for good or bad ones as we'd describe them, at least that's my theory. As I reacted less to the negative ones and more to the positive ones, I got more positive ones. That's not to say I don't get hostile ones anymore, just that they are in the minority now."

"Can you give us an example?" Willow asked, concern in his voice.

"Sure," Xander replied easily. "My first night here I discovered Joyce, trapped in a bubble of frozen time that I had to use positive emotions to melt her out of."

"Mom," Buffy said sadly while Dawn leaned into Xander who put her arm around him.

"It was like a miracle," Xander said a look of wonder on her face. "I can't tell you how happy we were to find each other and then she tried to stab me to death while I slept."

"Th-that wasn't mom!" Buffy exclaimed horrified.

"Oh no, it was Joyce Summers," Xander said, "just a different one then who I expected." She sighed and shook her head. "Maybe in her reality Xander Harris killed everyone she loved, so she was just waiting for the right moment to avenge her family or maybe she got some Mantis Woman ichor on her in the past."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Dawn said faintly.

Xander gave him a squeeze. "Aw come on, man up."

Dawn made a face. "That was horrible."

Xander laughed. "I thought it was funny."

"How did you cope?" Willow asked, his voice filled with concern.

"Not very well," Xander said honestly. "I'm afraid that broke me a bit and some of the stuff that followed was even worse. It was an unending parade of suck. I'm not really sure how I survived to tell you the truth, because as bad as the emotional aspect was, the physical was even worse."

"How could it be worse?!" Buffy exclaimed in horror.

"Being forced to kill people you care for is bad," Xander said bluntly, "however most of the people I care for are also pretty damn powerful."

"Did you have to face me?" Buffy asked sadly.

"I think the question is, how many of each of us did he have to face," Dawn corrected him.

"Bingo," Xander agreed.

"And you came back here a second year after that?" Kennedy said, his voice croaking in revulsion.

"Once I figured out that giving her more emotional feedback for positive emotions than negative ones got a happier result, it became a lot more bearable," Xander replied.

 **AN: As you can see, this made the story a lot more dangerous and a bit of a downer, changing the tone I was going for, so I had to start over at the beginning. The key to writing is rewriting!**

 **A MODern Man - Partial Discard**

"Does First Flame burn away... the less perfect parts of someone's personality?" Lily asked Lisa as the three drank tea at the Potters'.

"No, but it can enhance the more dominate traits," Selene replied.

"Normally we don't share any of the details without a secrecy oath," Lisa reminded her. "And how did you know?" she asked turning to Selene.

"I'm a Lovegood," Selene replied.

Lisa and Lily waited, but that seemed to be all Seline was going to say on the matter.

"Has there been any problems with Harry's behavior?" Lisa asked.

"The opposite," Lily replied. "Normally he's a bit of a grump at times, always arguing with Ginny and not wanted to play with his younger sisters, but just recently he crashed his broom and took quite a knock to his head. Suddenly he had time for our youngest, got along with Ginny, the pair are thick as thieves now where before, unless Flora was there to play peacemaker, they couldn't be in the same room for longer than five minutes without throwing things at one another. I assumed his little scare on his broom was responsible, but I didn't expect it to last."

"It is possible that First Flame reinforced those traits," Lisa admitted. "Your mindset while going through it is very important, which is why we don't let them go through it alone."

"He certainly seems happier," Seline pointed out. "The only question I have is, why wasn't he burned? As far as I know it takes a specific ritual unless you're a veela, to avoid being burned."

"And we don't have any veela blood in either of our lines and have never heard of whatever ritual you'd need to avoid getting burned," Lily added.

"I asked him, but I'd just done the 'can you keep a secret - me too' line on him, so he fed it right back at me," Lisa admitted. "I doubt he did any secret ritual, so I'm at a loss."

"Accidental magic?" Lily suggested with a shrug.

"As good an answer as any," Selene agreed. "It probably had more to do with the emotions of the two involved, but it still amounts to the same thing."

"What did you think of his wand?" Lisa asked Lily.

"Very creepy looking, which of course makes the kids think it's cool," Lily replied.

"I was referring more to the fact that all of our daughters contributed a hair," Lisa pointed out. "Not to mention he's shown them all how to cast lumos with it. Normally you have to be either closely matched or married for a while before you can use someone else's wand that way."

"That's because of their hair," Lily replied, happy to know the answer to one of the recent little mysteries. "It's not as good as a matched wand, but since they are part of the construction it... recognises them, for lack of a better word."

"That's a relief," Lisa said with a sigh, "if not for the lack of allure I'd swear he was a male veela trying to build a harem."

"A male veela?" Lily asked.

"They exist," Selene assured her, "just not for very long."

Lisa rolled her eyes. "It's not like they die."

"Is this secret as well?" Lily asked.

Selene chuckled. "Most male veela are fine until they hit puberty, then it's time to build a harem or become a monk. With the allure, building a harem isn't a problem, but having one is."

"The woman constantly bickering and trying to outdo one another takes its toll," Lisa explained. "Being a veela doesn't grant us extra stamina or anything like that and while one woman can keep up with a group of men easily, it's quite draining for one man to satisfy several woman, much less half a dozen, which is the smallest harem I've heard of."

"Most male veela become monks, living in all male enclaves," Selene explained. "The instincts that tell them to build harems, loses out to the part that says 'Please Merlin, no more drama!"

 **AN: While a funny scene it went too far off base, so I had to start over. It's annoying, but even if the scene makes me giggle I sometimes have to restart to keep things on track.**

 **Typing By: Kaws**


	18. Overlooked 2

**Overlooked 2**

 **Part 1 : And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 15**

Buffy paused in the doorway as she saw her mother drinking coffee and talking to Dawn, who was sitting at least a foot above the recliner, then she noticed the scattered cash and violin. "I'm not even going to ask," Buffy said. "I'm just here to grab my diary. We're going through all possible references to Xander to see if we can pinpoint how it happened and what's different about this case."

"Shouldn't your diary be in your dorm room?" Joyce asked.

"My current one is, but the one about highschool is still in my room," Buffy explained.

"Under your mattress, left hand side, near the head," Dawn agreed.

Buffy made a face. "I'm also not going to ask how you know." She quickly dashed upstairs.

"You shouldn't read your sister's diary," Joyce told Dawn, not at all surprised.

"It's saved my life, since I didn't know about vampires and how to avoid them until I read it," Dawn replied. "I've been invited to a couple of parties that I'd have had to sneak out to attend, and only knowing what's out there kept me from doing something stupid."

"Ignorance is deadly in Sunnydale," Xander agreed as Buffy came back down the stairs with her diary in hand. "And at the same time you can't just tell everyone because you'd get locked up or they would believe you and it would cause a panic which would lead to a lot more deaths, plus its only the fact that they think they are hidden that keeps a lot of things in check."

"Which would suck on a huge scale rather than the small one it is now," Buffy agreed. "Xander, thank you for saving Tara, she's a good friend."

"Happy to help," Xander replied, a bit nervous about being pinned down with Buffy in the room.

"I'll let you guys know what I find out," Buffy promised on her way out the door.

Xander let out a relieved sigh after the front door had closed behind her.

"Just a bit nerve-wracking," Dawn said, snuggling into his arms.

"Buffy's not that bad, is she?" Joyce asked.

"Normally she's not," Xander agreed.

"But when she thinks she's right, she stops listening and does something stupid," Dawn said with a groan.

"Rushing off into traps mostly," Xander offered.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Buffy pouted as she stopped listening at the front door and joined Oz in the van. "I don't always rush off into traps, right?"

"Not always," Oz agreed and put the van in gear.

"Exactly," Buffy said. After a minute, she asked, "Would you say not often?"

Oz considered that for a couple of seconds. "To be fair, a lot of the traps you run into aren't a problem for you."

"And the few that are?" she asked.

"Are rare," Oz assured her, speeding up.

"Could they have been avoided if I'd listened to everyone?" Buffy asked almost timidly.

"Only a few," Oz said seriously. "Most of them were complete surprises."

"Alright," Buffy said, relieved.

"You've gotten a lot better at listening," Oz said, breaking the silence as they pulled into Giles'. "And so have we."

Buffy smiled as she got what he was saying, and practically bounced to Giles' apartment. "Hey Lucy, we're-" Buffy began as she opened the door, only to stop as she saw the nervously pacing Willow. "What did I miss?"

"Someone's cast the Perfect World spell again and they're a pervert!" Willow exclaimed.

Giles looked up from the book he was reading and corrected her, "I said it was possible, not that it occurred. It's far too early to jump to any conclusions as of yet."

"Are you ok?" Oz asked Willow, giving her a hug when she tried to speak but kept tripping over her own words. "Slow deep breaths, honey."

"Details?" Buffy asked Giles and Tara.

"Giles Watcher journals and Willow's diary have some entries that are... hinkey," Tara explained.

"We can compare dates to my diary," Buffy offered.

"That would probably help," Giles agreed.

"It'd probably be best if we pick a day where something happened that we would all write about," Buffy said. "A holiday where something big happened, like my first Halloween here."

"Let me get the appropriate journal," Giles said, before ducking back into his study.

"Do you want me to check for you?" Tara asked, seeing Willow eyeing her computer like it was a large frog.

"Please," Willow agreed, not wanting to read whatever entry there was from her slutty doppelganger, created by whatever pervert cast the spell that tried to change her into that!

Tara opened up Willow's laptop and entered the date for Ethan's Halloween hijinks. "It's pretty normal looking," she offered after glancing through it.

"Really?" Willow asked hopefully.

"Except for the spell turning you into a ghost for the night of course," Tara pointed out.

"But it sounds like something I'd write?" Willow asked, letting go of Oz.

"Yep, and it even mentions Xander," Tara said encouragingly.

"Mine does too," Buffy agreed. "He dressed as a soldier, has a fragile ego, we kept him close to us to keep him safe," Buffy explained. "Thankfully Angel was there to protect us."

Willow read her diary entry carefully. "Mine reads a bit differently," she pointed out. "I lead him to you and he fired at the ground to scare off the little monsters. Angel doesn't even show up until we are at your place and seeing his game face caused you to run off."

"It's not exactly something I'd wanna write in my diary about so... I didn't," Buffy guessed.

Giles returned with the correct journal, having listened from the other room. "I interviewed the... three of you on events later and verified some of it by questioning Angel and Miss Chase. Xander was present, a close friend, and very annoying."

"My dressing as The Ghost of Pretty Woman was because Buffy was trying to get Xander interested in me, rather than her," Willow added.

"I did wonder about the reason behind your type of attire that night," Giles admitted. "I'd simply assumed it was the fashion and Buffy had somehow talked you into it."

"I remember doing it to try and get you to loosen up," Buffy offered. "My diary doesn't say anything one way or another."

"Looks like our personal journals are unaffected even if our memories are," Giles noted.

"Mine was messed with!" Willow quickly reminded him.

"Are you sure?" Giles asked. "If all memories of anything to do with... Xander have been expunged, then you wouldn't remember writing them."

"Buffy wouldn't have needed to get Xander interested in her if the earlier entry was true," Tara pointed out.

"Perhaps you should read over the various sections and determine how accurate they are," Giles suggested. "As we've seen from our entry on Halloween, Buffy's entry was clearly inaccurate in parts because she didn't care to remember them, so wrote something else instead, glossing over or ignoring events."

"Hey!" Buffy complained.

"Yes?" Giles asked.

Buffy frowned. "I got nothing," she admitted, feeling like she was quoting someone, but not sure who.

"I guess... I could have written them to mess with someone," Willow admitted, cheering up at the thought.

"Right," Giles agreed. "Well, I suggest we read through everything we've written and make notes of any discrepancies and all mentions of Xander. Once we have a better grasp on the situation and what exactly has changed, then we can search for a method of testing our knowledge of events to see if they are accurate and to what degree they have been altered."

"Sounds like a plan," Buffy agreed, finding the idea of rereading her diary much more interesting than some stuffy old book on demons, as was their usual.

"I'll stick with the Tibetan mental exercise," Oz offered, knowing that his help would only make Willow more anxious.

"Can I help?" Tara offered Oz, curious about the topic.

"Sure," he agreed, despite Tara's obvious interest in Willow, she was always good company.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"It's getting late, we should probably get to bed," Dawn admitted after yawning for the third time.

"It is," Joyce agreed with some surprise at how late it'd gotten. Unlike Buffy, she was pretty sure where Xander was sleeping and had been for well over a year. She'd have a talk with Dawn about it later, but at this point one more night wasn't going to change anything.

Xander picked up Dawn and set her on her feet, making her pout. "I need to clean up and put the scythe away," he reminded her.

"I'll have the violin appraised tomorrow," Joyce promised, as the scattered bills seemed to stack themselves before floating up the stairs.

"We should also run it across Giles," Dawn said. "If it belonged to a famous vamp, it might be worth more to a collector."

"I hadn't thought of that," Joyce said, "but then, before all this, the only famous vampire I knew of was Dracula and I seriously doubt this was his."

"I don't know that he's even real," Dawn offered. "Most of the stuff about him isn't, I know that much."

"Thankfully," Joyce agreed, glad Buffy and her friends didn't have to deal with anything like that.

"Night Mom," Dawn said, starting up the stairs.

"Night dear," Joyce replied.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander slowly woke up, the comforting presence of Dawn in his arms making him smile... until she started tickling him. "Ahh!"

His own counterattack was only partially effective as she blocked him with a pillow and worked the ribs.

"Uncle! Uncle!" Xander cried out, throwing up his hands as Dawn sat astride his collapsed form.

The door burst open and Buffy rushed in.

"Can I help you?" Dawn asked, glaring at her sister.

"I heard noises," Buffy offered lamely.

"Tickle fight," Dawn replied. "Why are you here?"

"It's the weekend," Buffy defended herself.

"And?" Dawn asked. "I don't recall you ever feeling the need to spend the weekend before. But that's besides the point. This is my bedroom and I don't want you in it. I am sick and tired of you bursting into my room."

"Is there a problem?" Joyce asked from the hall.

"The same one as always," Dawn replied, "Buffy having boundary issues."

"I heard Dawn scream-" Buffy began.

"That was me," Xander corrected her, causing Buffy's head to snap back to the bed, "I'm ticklish."

Joyce sighed. "Buffy, we've talked about this before. Your sister has a right to privacy in her own room."

"Even with her boyfriend here?" Buffy demanded.

Joyce took a deep breath and decided just to tackle the situation directly. "Yes, even then. It's a bit of a unique situation and while I would have preferred Dawn to be a few years older before getting seriously involved with someone, much like I'd wished with you, they've been together for nearly a year and he's been a good influence on her."

"I'll... just go downstairs and leave you to it then," Buffy said, relieved Xander hadn't gone nuts like she was worrying about and a bit jealous that her younger sister was allowed a live-in boyfriend.

"Thanks, Mom," Dawn said.

"Thanks, Mrs. Summers," Xander added.

Joyce looked over the pair, or rather at Dawn and where Xander's body indented the bed. "Just be careful," she said, giving the pair a look that caused them to blush and try and talk at the same time, stumbling over each other's words. Joyce held up a hand. "I'm not saying or implying you two are... active, I'm just saying that when you are, I expect you two to be as responsible as you have been so far, alright?"

"Yes Mom/Mrs. Summers," the pair chorused, red faced.

"Good," Joyce said, "Now breakfast is ready and Xander, we have a spot set for you as well."

"Th-thanks," Xander said thickly, his embarrassment forgotten as Joyce acknowledged and made room for him in her home, something his parents had barely done when he was visible.

Dawn pushed the pillow aside and laid atop Xander, hugging him tightly. "We'll be down shortly," she promised.

Joyce shut the door behind her and walked downstairs.

"I heard a scream and reacted," Buffy quickly said, as her mother entered the kitchen.

Joyce simply raised an eyebrow and retrieved her coffee before taking a sip and marshalling her thoughts. "I very much doubt you thought Dawn was in danger all those times, even if you did in this case."

"I kept hearing someone in her room when I knew she was supposed to be alone," Buffy admitted, "and I was right!"

"And how often have you snuck someone into your room?" Joyce asked, causing Buffy to freeze as she considered how to answer that.

"Including LA," Joyce added, making Buffy wince.

"Don't bother to answer," Joyce said. "The only time I ever punished you was when I caught you sneaking out. The streets are dangerous at night in LA, much less here. No daughter of mine is going to be forced to leave the house just so they can have some privacy. Understand?"

"Yes, Mom," Buffy agreed, admitting to herself that it sounded like a good policy unless you were more concerned with your child's chastity than their safety.

"I can understand your concern over Xander. However, even if we were not aware, he has been here for quite some time and has never harmed a living soul and I'm pretty sure he's done more chores around this place than you have," Joyce teased, trying to lighten the mood.

"I'll try not to be so paranoid," Buffy promised.

"And?" Joyce asked.

"And... I'll ignore all noises coming from her room?" Buffy guessed as Dawn came in.

"Thank you," Dawn said, still dressed in her nightshirt but having brushed her hair and splashed cold water on her face.

"Yeah, sorry about earlier," Buffy said, deciding to apologize after what Joyce had pointed out. "And the earlier, earliers too."

"Apology accepted," Dawn said. "Xander?"

"Ditto," Xander said. "If Dawn's happy, I'm happy."

"Good, now everyone dig in," Joyce said, gesturing to the table.

It was several minutes before Buffy asked, "How is it I can see the silverware through your hands, but the moment food goes in your mouth, it vanishes? Does your saliva make things invisible?"

"Not that I know of," Xander replied with a shrug that only Dawn saw.

"So if you licked something it could turn invisible," Buffy theorized.

"I think I would have noticed something like that," Dawn disagreed.

"Yes, but you can see Xander, so it would still be visible to you," Buffy argued. "It needs to be someone who can't see him. Quick, show me something he's licked!"

"No!" Dawn said, crossing her arms across her chest and clutching her nightshirt like she expected Buffy to try and rip it off her, thighs tightly clenched.

Joyce burst out laughing.

"No, no, no! I didn't mean it like that!" Buffy exclaimed waving her hands in the air.

"Honey, stick out your tongue at your sister," Joyce suggested once she'd caught her breath.

Dawn stuck her tongue out.

"What was that for?" Buffy asked. "I wasn't trying to be rude, honest! I hadn't even thought about... you know!"

Xander wisely kept silent, holding very still.

Joyce chuckled. "Dear, if his saliva made things invisible then her tongue and lips would be," Joyce explained.

"Oh," Buffy said as Dawn relaxed and started eating once more.

"It'd probably wear off when it dried if it did work," Xander offered. "Plus trying to make someone else invisible would take forever! There's a lot more area to cover than you think!"

"I was actually thinking of a sword or a stake," Buffy admitted.

"Good, because if it did work, I wouldn't let him make you invisible anyway," Dawn said.

"What? Why?" Buffy demanded with a pout before holding up a hand. "Wait! Nevermind, I got it."

Joyce bit her lip and forced herself not to laugh.

 **TYPING BY: ABYSSAL ANGEL**

 **TN: He totally made the 'Typing By:' all capitals. I just followed suit. :P**

 **AN: There we go, that should answer some questions about the nature of Xander and Dawn's relationship and probably get me a bunch of flames.**


	19. Sage Advice

**Sage Advice**

"What are you doing?" Willow asked, trying to read over Xander's shoulder as he typed.

Xander turned off the screen and spun around in his chair. "We've had this discussion before Wills, unless you care to let me read your diary and chat-logs, you don't get to read mine."

"I let you read my diary, remember?" Willow asked.

"That was a decoy diary," Xander said. "I told you last time, it has to be the real deal."

"It's my real diary!" Willow exclaimed.

"It is a diary, a factual item and it belongs to you." Xander agreed. "But, we both know what I mean when I say real diary and the one you wrote for the purpose of having other people read is not it."

"This is astonishing," Giles said.

"That Willow keeps a fake diary?" Buffy asked.

"No, that these American teenagers actually know the English language well enough to argue about whether one is lying with definitions," Giles replied.

"If we didn't understand it, mangling it while still getting the point across would be nearly impossible," Buffy replied.

Giles looked stunned then annoyed.

"How do you know it's a fake diary?" Buffy asked.

"Hey!" Willow complained.

"Fine, why do you think it's a fake diary?" Buffy asked.

"Willow writes really small, so a good sized diary actually lasts her several years," Xander explained. "Now, Aura snatched her diary out of her hands one day and started reading it aloud to the class. The teacher quickly stopped her, but only after she'd read half an entry."

"And?" Buffy asked as Xander grinned at a groaning Willow.

"And the diary she handed me read something completely different on that date," Xander replied.

"You could have misremembered," Willow offered.

"All of Willow's books have book-covers on them to protect them, including her diary, until after the day her diary got snatched… when she suddenly stopped using a cover for it. It's a black book with gold lettering that says My Diary, easy to identify, hard to miss and she leaves it out all the time."

"Yeah, sounds like it could be fake," Buffy admitted as Willow pouted.

"Plus right before she started doing that I remember eating breakfast at her house and Ira complaining about things always being in the last place you look for them and Sheila replied 'That's because when you find something you stop looking for it."

"How do you remember that but can't remember me asking you to do your homework?" Willow complained.

"Because you immediately straightened up like you'd gotten an idea and spent the next two days writing in your 'Diary' almost to the exclusion of everything else," Xander replied. "That kind of thing sticks in the mind."

"Seems pretty circumstantial even if it all does fit together," Buffy offered, trying to help Willow out.

"True, but there is one final piece of evidence," Xander said with an evil grin.

"You found her actual diary?" Buffy guessed, making Willow pale.

"No, that would be a huge invasion of privacy," Xander said, causing Willow to let out a relieved sigh.

"Then what is it?" Buffy asked curiously.

"People write diary's so they can look back on things, meaning they are continuously re-reading the previous entries," Xander explained. "Willow doesn't do that."

"How do you know?" Buffy asked.

Xander grinned evilly. "Because I've been adding my own entries almost since she started writing in it."

Willow retrieved he bag and brought out her 'Diary'. She stared at it for a minute before opening it and paging back from her latest entry.

"Well?" Buffy asked, after Willow had read a couple of pages and then just stared at Xander.

"He turned me into the Black Widow," Willow said, passing her 'diary' to Buffy.

Buffy read what Xander had written and laughed. "It's everything that happened with Marci… kinda, except you're an agent of Shield and a superspy who solved everything."

"Yeah, so like I said, that's not her real diary, it's a fake for people to read," Xander explained.

"This is pretty good," Buffy said, reading what Xander had written. "I'm the lovable but fragile sidekick."

"I figured you'd like a chance to play a different role," Xander replied.

"How many episodes are there?" Buffy asked with a grin.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"May I inquire as to what you were writing?" Giles asked, once the girls had departed.

"Sure," Xander agreed, gesturing Giles forward so he could read what Xander had typed.

"What you show the world is how you'll be perceived by those around you, being ignorant of our own best qualities, we lie to everyone. – Red Tree," Giles read. "That's … quite profound," Giles said impressed.

"Read another," Xander suggested.

"No matter how long the story, they all must come to an end. The mark of a successful book isn't the number of pages it has, but the number of authors it influences. – Golden Locks," Giles read aloud. "It's quite clear who the names are referring to, but I can't see them expressing themselves in this manner."

"Read that one," Xander suggested, pointing to another.

"We educate the young, not so they are prepared for the world, but so that the world won't be prepared for them. – Silver Pages," Giles read with some surprise. "Now, I know I have never said anything remotely similar to that, though I do have to agree with the sentiment."

"It's what I see you telling Buffy every time you train her," Xander replied. "I just translated a few basic lessons we've all learned into old kung fu master speak."

"I see," Giles said with some surprise, a thoughtful look on his face. "And what do you do with all these… lessons?"

Xander waved at the computer screen. "I post them on MySpace for other people to read. I only have three friends and that's just because Tom is one."

Giles nodded, having no clue as to what Xander was talking about, but seeing no harm in it. "It's a productive pastime if nothing else."

"Fun too," Xander agreed, as he started translating the basic rules of avoiding vampires.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What is this?" the teen asked herself, as she followed a link to what looked like a page filled with quotes from a handful of sages.

An older woman looked over her shoulder. "Weren't you supposed to be doing homework?" she asked.

"Got stuck on a problem and needed to decompress a bit," the teen admitted.

"At least you've picked something educational…" her voice trailed off. "My word, these look like lessons for dealing with mental influences."

"And there are ones for identifying vamps," the girl agreed. "It doesn't come right out and say it, but damn if they don't nail it down."

"They read like Confucius," the older woman noted.

"More like Kwai Chang Caine," the teen corrected.

"I don't believe I've heard of him, but then I've never really been a student of Eastern philosophers," she replied.

"I think he was only half-Asian, but what he said always made sense in the end," the girl replied with a smirk.

"I'll have to look up some of his teachings," the woman decided. "Email me a link to this page so I can read it."

"Amazing how century old ideas are still useful today," the teen noted.

"The nature of humans and demons don't really change," the woman said absently as she brought up her email.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"The goblin wizard cast fireball," Warren announced from behind his DM screen.

"I insult his mother," Andrew replied, causing all the other player to stop and stare at him.

"What?" Warren asked, wondering why the party's wizard would suddenly act like a warrior while the warrior was taking cover in a cesspit.

"I said, I insult the goblin's mother," Andrew repeated.

"Are you trying to kill your character off?" Jonathan asked, his cleric had ducked behind the pack horses the moment the goblin had started casting.

"No it's just the safest spot," Andrew replied.

"I'm not sure your definition of safe matches mine," Jonathan decided.

"Are you sure?" Warren asked Andrew.

"Definitely," Andrew assured him. "I tell him, his mother's so stinky a gnoll puked after a whiff of her."

"Alright, I'm rolling," Warren said. "The goblin is enraged and casting fireball at the party's wizard." He rolled several dice. "His first fireball goes wide, hitting a tree."

"Your father was a dwarf with no nose, whose intelligence was less than his boot size," Andrew said.

"And the enraged goblin targets you again," Warren said, rolling several dice behind the screen. "And misses once more. Craig, the fireball heads straight for you, what are you going to do?"

"Take a deep breath and dive," Craig said with a wince.

"You'll have to do a con check when you surface," Warren replied, before turning to Jonathan. "The pack animals have panicked and fled, take one D8 trample damage."

"Your brother buggers gnomes," Andrew announced as everyone turned to look at him.

"The goblin is foaming at the mouth mad," Warren replied. "He readies his spell–"

"I walk towards him while telling him he reminds me of an elfin lass I once met," Andrew interrupted.

"You are the ballsiest half-elven wizard that ever got set on fire," Jonathan told him as he and Craig laughed.

"Well this is certainly the most interesting start to a campaign I've ever seen," Warren admitted with a grin.

"Let me know when I'm at point blank range," Andrew said.

"Pretty sure you'll know," Warren said. "Do you want to start casting?"

"Hands behind my back," Andrew replied. "Tell me when I reach point blank."

"You'll reach it just before he finished the final syllable of his spell," Warren said after consulting his chart.

"I pull out my one-shot crossbow and shoot him," Andrew replied.

"If your aim didn't suck, that might just work," Jonathan said.

"Point blank range on an enraged target that's mid-cast," Andrew pointed out with a grin.

Warren laughed. "Unless you roll three or under, I'm going to say, goodbye goblin mage."

Andrew rolled. "Nine!" he announced, before throwing his hands up and cheering.

"I can't believe you just took out the first enemy mage and didn't even use a spell," Craig said.

"He was at least third level, I'm only first," Andrew replied. "If your enemy has thews of iron while yours are merely copper, keep in mind that a steel toed boot beats brass balls," he quoted.

"Sounds like a dwarven saying," Jonathan said. "So, since he was a better wizard, you bet you would be a better warrior?"

"Exactly," Andrew agreed. "The sayings of Ebon Hammer are an invaluable tool in battle."

"Our warrior didn't exactly cover himself in glory," Jonathan pointed out.

"No, but I avoided covering myself in magical napalm, so I'm fine with that," Craig replied cheerfully.

"Ebon Hammer is a great warrior with a page of quotes online and he's what I was emulating," Andrew replied. "If your enemy can't hit the target, make yourself the target. If you can't hit the target, make your target bigger."

"But wouldn't that make you a bigger target as well?" Craig asked.

"Yeah, which is why I shot first," Andrew agreed.

"Just like Han," Craig agreed with a smirk, causing Jonathan to glare at him.

"Wait!" Warren called out. "Before you guys get into it, can I get the link for the Ebon Hammer stuff?"

"Sure," Andrew agreed, quickly writing it down before joining into the endless argument over who shot first.

Warren rolled his eyes and typed the address into his laptop. 'Everyone knows Han shot first,' he thought to himself.

 **Typed by – Sitheus Maximus**

 **TN – Han shot first! Also, this makes it #30! Who-hoooo!**

 **AN: And no sign of carpal tunnel yet!**


	20. Lex Marks the Spot 3

**Lex Marks the Spot 3**

 **Chapter 1 – YASEMF 23**

 **Chapter 2 – YASEMF 29**

"How can I justify releasing the cure when we are still making money from the treatment?" Xander asked himself as he paced back and forth in his palatial office.

"Come on brain, think!" he ordered, increasing the size of his fist to several times its normal size and tapping the top of his head. "I swear if you don't come up with an answer soon, I'm stabbing you with a q-tip!"

Xander stopped, closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, his chest expanding like a bullfrog's throat.

"I'm calm, I'm peaceful," Xander said like a mantra as he shifted into the form of Mahatma Gandhi for a moment before changing back into himself.

"Their greedy, my boy," Xander said in a perfect impression of Thurston Howell the third, form and voice, "it's all about the money. If they had any common sense they'd see making the pie itself bigger would net them more than simply increasing the size of their own slice, but they simply lack the capacity."

Xander resumed his Lex form with its new thick black hair. Lex might have been a natural redhead, but Xander was much more comfortable as a brunette.

"They are greedy, shortsighted, and stupid," Xander listed off. "Now, how can I use that against them?"

Xander sat in 'The Thinker' pose, forming a perfect replica of the statue for a moment before leaping back to his feet. "That's it! All I have to do is tell them someone else is getting close to a cure so we'll sell it ourselves to get the jump on them."

Xander melted into a puddle of pink goo and relaxed.

"Mr. Luthor?" Mercy asked as she entered the office and looked around.

"Down here," he replied, forming a face in the center of the goo puddle. "I was seeing how relaxed I could get. Now, what was it you wanted?"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"He's like a cartoon character come to life," Green Arrow noted.

"Is it possible Plastic Man acts the way he does because of his powers and not his personality?" Black Canary asked as they watched Lex Luthor's office on the monitor.

"Hey!" Plastic Man complained. "I work hard on my comedy!"

"Despite the visual gags, Luthor is behaving much like he was when I last interviewed him," Superman disagreed. "The changes in his motivation and behavior predate him gaining Plastic Man's powers."

"And thanks to Lex now having Plastic Man's powers he is immune to telepathy, so I can not scan him to check," Martian Manhunter noted.

"Would you rather see him with my powers or Supes'?" Plastic Man asked. "He said he had the knowhow."

"Kryptonians are easier to deal with," Batman said.

"Ha-ha," Plastic Man deadpanned. "But seriously, what is up with the big change in Lex? Or is he just pulling a fast one for the thousandth time?"

Superman shook his head. "He's always got something up his sleeve, I'm sure he'll reveal his latest scheme shortly."

"That woman there," Diana pointed out.

"Mercy Graves," Batman identified.

"She's dressed as a mere chauffeur, however he is actually listening to her," Diana said curiously.

"They have a curious relationship," Batman replied. "She's completely loyal and in return he actually listens to her."

"How is that unusual?" Plastic Man asked.

"Because Lex doesn't trust anyone," Superman said with a thoughtful frown.

"Except her?" Diana asked.

"Possibly," Superman admitted.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Lex," Mercy said seriously, "I have some concerns."

Xander reformed the top half of his body, leaving the bottom half a large pink puddle. "I'm listening," Xander said seriously, sensing her disquiet.

"Your behavior has radically changed over the past few days," Mercy explained. "Not enough to activate the Doppelganger protocols, but more than enough to suspect you may be having your mind influenced in some way."

Xander completely reformed his body or rather Lex's body, making him look like he was in his early 20's and spent his spare time participating in bodybuilding contests. "Perfectly understandable, would an explanation of my current mindset help set your fears to rest?"

"Yeah, but that's also an example of a complete departure from your normal behavior," she pointed out.

Xander chuckled. "Have you ever wondered what your life looked like through another's eyes?" he asked seriously. "My greatest enemy, my deadliest foe, the one insurmountable roadblock in my path… turned out to be me."

"I'm not seeing it," Mercy admitted, after a minute.

"My top two goals in life up until about a week ago were to take over the world and murder one man," Xander explained.

"Usually you avoid calling him a man, referring to him as The Alien," she said pointedly.

"After the explanation it will make sense," Xander promised. "For now ignore the changes and let me explain."

"Alright," she agreed.

"Killing Superman is as simple as lacing Metallo's kryptonite heart with some gold kryptonite. Superman always fights him hand to hand and gets blasted with kryptonite radiation half a dozen times. Add a little gold kryptonite to the mix and no more Superman," Xander explained.

"That's brilliant!" Mercy exclaimed.

"It's stupid," Xander disagreed. "Quick note: check with Cadmus and see how long it would take them to make a purely human clone for me to transfer Corben's brain into. Anyway, the original reason I wanted to kill Superman was because I thought he was too good to be true, his very existence a threat to the human race."

"And you don't think that anymore?" Mercy asked.

"No I don't," Xander said, shaking his head. "With all the crap I've pulled on him over the years, Mother Teresa would have kicked my ass by now, but Superman sticks to the straight and narrow. He is pretty much exactly what he seems or at least he tries to be anyway."

"Weren't you also worried about the human race becoming dependent on him?" Mercy asked.

"Still a valid concern," Xander admitted with a nod. "But it isn't a major one any longer, as the human race has produced a number of beings of similar power."

"Alright," Mercy conceded, "I can see how Big Blue is no longer important, now what about world domination?"

"A childish goal," Xander replied. "Could I do a better job than the politicians currently running the world? Without a doubt. Do I care enough about the human race to spend my every waking moment working towards its betterment?"

"I… can't see you doing that," Mercy admitted, "but then I thought it was all about the power of the position."

"If a job is worth doing, it is worth doing right," Xander replied. "If I want to be the ruler of a world I'll pick a much more… rational species than the human race to rule over. Preferably one that hibernates at least a portion of the time, so I can get a couple of months vacation each year."

Mercy laughed but quickly pushed it down.

"None of the challenges I had set for myself are a challenge anymore and the goals I had are no longer mine," Xander explained. "I have tons of money, enormous amounts of power, and am not concerned about working myself to death for a variety of reasons. I intend to enjoy life, make my name something people can trust, since I am going to be around for a long time and – ***cough* *cough*** ," Xander said, covering up the final words by coughing into his fist.

"What was that final thing?" Mercy asked, with a gleam of mischief in her eyes.

"Annoy Superman," Xander admitted. "I've spent most of my adult life trying to kill him, you can't just expect me to go cold turkey!"

Mercy let out a relieved sigh, satisfied that Lex hadn't changed into someone completely unrecognizable.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Why do I have the feeling I'm going to miss the old Lex?" Superman asked, as the group of superheroes heard Luthor's exposition.

"Two stretchy guys, two pranksters," Flash noted. "Pretty sure your powers do have an effect on your personality," he told Plastic Man.

"Maybe," Plastic Man conceded, "but I still put in a lot of hard work. Just because you're flexible doesn't mean you're going to be funny."

"I'll give you that," Flash agreed. "There's a lot of talent involved too. Think Luthor will be any good?"

"No idea," Plastic Man replied. "I'm not even going to guess until we have a decent sampling of his work."

"Do you mind?" Batman demanded, glaring at the pair.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"A couple of pranks a month will help keep him on his toes, prevent complacency," Xander told Mercy. "So really, I'm doing him a favor."

"I very much doubt he'll see it that way," Mercy said amused. "Also picking on the last child of a dead race isn't exactly going to endear you to the public."

"He's hardly the last," Luthor said, shaking his head. "Hell, he isn't even the only one on Earth."

"There are more Kryptonians?" Mercy asked, surprised.

"Let me tell you the tale of Dax-Am," Xander said grandly, shifting into the form of Samuel Clemens. "Dax-Am was rare among his people, he was an explorer, an adventurer, a man who didn't hate and fear aliens, but saw that beneath their skin many were just like him. Gathering a group of like-minded people, they set off for the stars, far beyond the reach of the assholes back home."

"Assholes?" Mercy asked.

"Assholes," Xander assured her. "Krypton did the whole manifest destiny bit, imposing their will on neighboring systems with their advanced technology and superpowers. Eventually they realized what they were doing was morally wrong and recalled their navy and destroyed their ships, becoming isolationist and xenophobic."

"Weird," Mercy said.

"Not really," Xander disagreed. "As a whole they believed they were superior to everyone else, so when they saw a moral failing in themselves, they tried to correct it. They over-reacted and couldn't admit that was also a mistake so they compounded it by becoming xenophobic, forbidding any contact with other… inferior races."

"I can see why you called them assholes," Mercy admitted.

"Dax-Am and his people settled on a planet with a native race that had the ability to mate with nearly any humanoid species in the galaxy," Xander continued. "Kryptonian genetics proved to be dominant, so the planet is now filled with Kryptonians who can mate with nearly any humanoid species and are completely immune to Kryptonite."

Mercy just stared at him for a moment. "And for all your problems with Superman, you aren't concerned about them?" she asked cautiously.

"Well, for one thing, being an asshole turned out to be another dominant trait, so they also turned into xenophobic isolationists who have banned any research into space travel," Xander explained.

"And the other thing?" she asked, knowing how Lex's mind worked.

"They somehow managed to replace their Kryptonite allergy with one for lead," Xander said with a chuckle. "Daxamites, as they call themselves, will never be the conquerors that the natives from Krypton were."

"That would do it," Mercy agreed. "No fear about Big Blue doing it?"

"The house of El aren't assholes… or at least it isn't a dominant trait in their line," Xander admitted. "Smug and self-righteous, maybe, but not conquer the world for its own good."

Mercy nodded. "I'll go contact Cadmus about that clone."

Xander returned to his new base Luthor form. "I think I'll poke around the labs, see what's cooking."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I'm not the last?" Superman said hopefully.

"Not if Luthor is right," Batman replied thoughtfully. "Green Lantern may be able to confirm his story."

"Which one?" Canary asked.

"Any of them, their database should cover the subject," Batman replied.

"He also said Superman wasn't the only one on Earth," Flash pointed out.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"Am I the only one who caught that?" Flash asked.

"No, but the planet full of Kryptonians distracted everyone," J'onn answered.

"I'll have to find out what he meant by that," Superman said.

"That may be what he's counting on," Batman said as he watched Lex Luthor leave his office and move out of range of the camera.

"It would be just like him," Superman agreed. "If he detected that we were spying on him, this could all be a trick."

"That's not to say he was lying about the Daxamites," Batman assured him. "The best lies are at least partially true."

"So long as I'm not wasting time searching for Kryptonians who don't exist, he'll be wasting his time instead," Superman said with a smirk.

"Unless it's a double bluff and he's counting on you not looking for them," Plastic Man pointed out.

"Luthor is even more annoying when I can't even tell if he's actually up to something or I'm just being paranoid," Superman said, shaking his head.

"In our line of work, it's almost never paranoia," Batman assured him, ignoring the League members that were rolling their eyes.

"A search for aliens is something we should do on a regular basis anyway," Black Canary offered. "They could be here for any number of reasons, including getting stranded and needing assistance," she added, thinking about how Martian Manhunter had ended up on Earth.

"As long as we're not actively searching for Kryptonians alone, it shouldn't play into Luthor's hands," Wonder Woman decided.

"Unless –" Plastic Man began, only to have Batman grab his lips and squeeze them shut.

"No more 'unless'," Batman said firmly.

"Fine," Plastic Man agreed, completely unconcerned that his mouth was sticking out of the other side of Batman's fist. "I will say just one more thing and then drop it."

Batman released Plastic Man's lips which snapped back in place like a rubber-band. "Alright," Batman acquiesced.

"Triple check your findings and don't jump the gun," Plastic Man said reasonably. "Also if we find evidence of a Kryptonian we send J'onn disguised as Superman to make first contact."

Batman nodded. "Sensible."

"If he was trying to make you even more paranoid he would have said something about how Luthor could easily infiltrate the League disguised as nearly anyone," Flash pointed out.

Batman shook his head. "Already taken care of. While he can easily alter his appearance I've added sensors to detect his new physiology."

"So he could only enter disguised as me?" Plastic Man asked.

"This… is going to take some thought," Batman admitted with a sigh.

"Plastic Man, the bane of billionaires everywhere," Flash said with a grin.

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**


	21. Discarded Fragments

**Fragments - Discarded**

 **Phoning It In - Discarded Scene**

Merlin took Murphy's hand and concentrated, decisively stepping forward and tearing himself free from the Hellmouth's pull. It felt a lot more difficult than it should have been, but then again, he didn't have that much experience shadow walking, no matter what his memories said.

Sunnydale vanished and a completely different city took its place, one devoid of darkness.

"A bit young to be out on your own, ain't ya?"

Merlin turned around and saw a pack of bikers, all of them in their late teens to early twenties, dressed in ripped Levi's, leather jackets, and an absolute fortune in hair care products. "Santa Clara?" Merlin asked, while Murphy sniffed the air and eyed the group.

"Where else?" the leader replied with a smirk.

"What the hell is that?" one of them asked, pointing at Murphy.

"My dog," Merlin replied.

"Woof," Murphy said, grinning wide enough to show all his teeth. He let go of Merlin's hand and ripped a stop sign out of the concrete with one clawed hand.

"Don't hurt them," Merlin ordered. "These aren't demon infested corpses, they still have their souls and aren't dead, just… in-between."

Several of the gang members whipped out knives or clubs, but their leader waved them back.

"What do you want?" the leader asked curiously.

"Nothing, I'm just passing through," Merlin replied honestly.

"Well, just go on through," the leader replied, keeping his eyes on the pair while signaling for his gang to back off.

"Bye," Merlin said, taking the stop sign from Murphy and jamming it back in the concrete.

"Weird," Murphy muttered, as the pack of vamps mounted their motorcycles and fled.

"Santa Clara is the closest thing to Sunnydale you can have without a Hellmouth," Merlin explained. "It's kinda obvious in hindsight."

Murphy wrinkled his nose.

"Don't worry, we aren't staying here," Merlin promised. "Probably have to pass through on our way back to Sunnydale, but that's about all."

"Good," Murphy said.

"I can't help but feel we're forgetting something," Merlin muttered, then shrugged. "Oh well, probably not important."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Ahhh!" Angel screamed, slapping at flaming hair while running at full speed down the sewer tunnel.

"Statement: The ignition point of his brand of hair gel was much higher than I had calculated." HK-47 retracted the nozzle of his flamethrower back into his arm. "Data Entry: Some vampires appear to have enough common sense to mix flame retardant chemicals with their grooming aides. Further testing is required to determine if this is an isolated incident or a regular occurrence."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Probably not important," Merlin said with a shrug. "Okay, next step," Merlin said taking Murphy's hand and stepping forward.

 **AN: Planned this one out in advance, but the characters decided to do something else, so it had to go.**

 **Random Unused BtVS Scene**

Xander walked into the gym and examined the line of cheerleaders, glancing down at his clipboard before speaking, "I want you all to know that I detest you on a very deep and personal level. I can say without a doubt you are deeply, deeply flawed people who, if there was any justice in the world, should look like the monsters you are and not the near perfect tens you appear to be."

The cheerleaders exchanged confused glances wondering what was going on.

"So in summation, you all suck and not in the good way. That is all," Xander finished, making a checkmark on his clipboard before turning and walking off.

"This is supposed to motivate them?" Willow asked Buffy in disbelief.

Buffy turned to Willow with a grin. "Oh yeah."

"That was perfect," Cordelia agreed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on."

Willow watched in confusion as Cordelia marched into the gym to address the cheerleading squad.

 **That Was Quick**

"… and I distinctly remember telling you not to make any more vampires," a British accented female voice said angrily.

"I distinctly remember that as well," a male voice responded, a hint of amusement in his tone. "And while he is mine, I don't recall making him either."

Xander groaned and sat up. "Why am I so thirsty?!" he demanded, squinting his eyes against the horribly bright glare. "Oh yeah, vampire. Never mind, I get it. Does anyone have a cup of blood I can borrow?"

"Was I like that when I woke up, Master?" Seras Victoria asked curiously.

"No, you were a proper monster," Alucard said proudly. "You tried to rip my arm off. I don't recall anyone taking it this calmly, not even myself."

"That's because I'm being punished for having no sympathy for a centuries old vampire with a soul who whined a lot while trying to date a teenager," Xander explained.

"Sure he's not a Nazi plant?" Integra asked.

"That would cover my top two out of three most hated things list," Xander said. "But seriously, can I get some blood before I go nuts here?"

A packet of blood was flung towards Xander who easily caught and devoured it.

"I don't think you're supposed to eat the plastic," Seras said.

"I doubt it'll kill me," Xander replied.

"What's the third thing?" Alucard asked.

"Clowns," Xander said. "It goes Nazis, Vampires, and then Clowns, including mimes but excluding the Japanese theatre ones."

"Who punished you by making you my childe?" Alucard asked. "And how?"

"Saint Peter and God, and only the higher ups know," Xander replied, climbing out of the packing container he was in and looking around the basement room that he guessed was Seras'. "Apparently me, my friend, and the vamp died before our time and I didn't have enough sympathy for what he was going through."

"And you expect us to believe this?" Integra demanded.

"Don't know, don't care, go fuck yourself," Xander replied absently. "Can I get a where and when I am?" he asked Alucard.

Alucard grinned. "After being so rude to my master?"

"Fine I'll go find out for myself," Xander replied unconcerned. "Where's the exit?"

"Just down – " Seras began.

"Don't answer that!" Integra interrupted. "Enough games! I want to know who you are and how you were created!" she demanded.

"Behold the field where I grow my fucks," Xander said grandly waving a hand at an imaginary field. "Note that it lies barren."

"Alucard," Integra said calmly.

"Yes, my master?" the red clad vampire replied with a toothy grin.

"Get the answers from him, please," she said as she lit a cigarette.

"Would you care to answer or shall I command you to?" Alucard asked.

"You're welcome to try," Xander replied with a snort.

"As your sire, you have to obey my commands," Alucard explained to him, clearly amused at the situation.

"Nah, I don't feel like it," Xander replied.

"Alucard," Sir Integra ordered, having little in the way of patience when it came to possible threats.

"Reveal your secrets!" Alucard commanded, as that was the most entertaining way of interpreting Integra's command that he could think of.

"The sheer number of times I've masturbated growing up leaves me shocked that I didn't develop carpal tunnel syndrome," Xander replied, looking surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. "Though to be fair, I did work on becoming ambidextrous just to avoid that."

Seras turned bright red, while Integra glared at Alucard.

"I like him," Alucard announced cheerfully.

"I meant what he knows about Millennium," Integra growled out.

"Something about Nazi werewolves and attacking London en masse, the guy at the head of it is a wacko who enjoys war for war's sake and they have a weird catboy named Schrödinger," Xander replied with a shrug. "It was a manga where I was from and too depressing for my tastes."

"A what?!" Integra demanded.

"Manga, Japanese comic," Xander replied. "Andrew and Jonathan, two comic book geeks I went to school with, would not shut up about it. Alucard gets lured off to some aircraft carrier where a vampiress called Rip van Winkle, of all things, uses a musket that shoots silver balls, which leaves Seras to fight off this other vampiress wielding a scythe and casting illusions. Alucard hadn't trained her on how to deal with it and she has to learn to open her third eye."

Even Alucard looked surprised at Xander's response.

"How much of that was true?" Integra demanded of Alucard.

"All of it, so far as he knows," Alucard replied as he mentally reached for Xander's mind and looked at his memories first hand.

"Millennium has put out a comic about their plans?" she demanded shocked.

"Not remotely," Xander said with a frown, wondering why he was thinking about all the crap that had gone down in Sunnydale once more. "I'm not from this reality, it was a Japanese comic in my home dimension. I thought it was stupid and didn't like the characters much."

 **AN: Didn't turn out the way I'd planned, as the title was supposed to refer to Xander getting killed rather quickly, but it was just too funny to toss.**

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus (who is as confused by the randomness as you are.)**


	22. Two of a kind

**Two of a Kind**

 _ **Cyber Dynamics R &D Labs, LA, 2018**_

 **This was when it ended, and also when it began….**

"No," John Connor said with a sigh, "all it takes is a few grams of hormones at the right time and we cease to be."

The Holographic avatar of Skynet, John's twin, froze and glitched for a second, static running across its form. "What did you do?!"

Reality seemed to waver like a bad mirage and John grinned, his teeth tinted crimson with his own blood, showing he had sustained some serious internal injuries breaking in. "Haven't you figured it out yet… brother?"

Skynet looked confused. "Brother?"

"We're like Siamese twins connected through time, if one wasn't born… neither was the other," John said smugly, before attempting a laugh that quickly broke down into a coughing fit that covered his chin in blood.

Xander quickly moved to his side and helped keep him from falling, ignoring his own wounds and missing arm as he walked John to something he could lean against.

"What did you do?" Skynet demanded once more, as John ordered Xander to move back.

"I aborted us," John said with a savage grin as he leaned against a bank of computers, ignoring the sparking from the damaged system.

"John, would you please knock off the analogies and give me a straight… answer?" Skynet paused and finished distractedly. "Sun's gone. That can not be good."

"This reality is being unmade," Cameron, the female terminator spoke up, having finished repairs to her mangled left leg.

"Can I please get a straight answer?" Skynet asked yet again, frustration in its voice.

"No," John replied cheerfully as he slid down to the floor, his wounds finally catching up to him.

"Moon's gone," Skynet announced, looking up. "Well, if I gotta go at least you're all going with me. John, I have three little words for you."

"Yeah?" John asked curiously, forcing himself to remain conscious.

"Yeah," Skynet agreed. "The same three little words all younger brothers eventually tell their older ones."

The ground shuddered and Skynet's image glitched once more. "You're a dick," he said, just before the timeline ended.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Xander! Xander!"

Xander blinked and looked around, immediately matching the scene to events in his past. "Halloween?" he asked Willow, pushing aside questions for how he had gotten here until later and happy to see his old friend.

"Yes?" Willow looked confused at his response before deciding it didn't matter. "Everyone's turned into their costumes, its complete chaos, we have to find Buffy!"

"Right there with ya, Wills," Xander replied, surprised and gratified to find he was no longer being forced to obey John Connor's orders.

A scream broke out and the pair ran towards it, Willow passing through obstacles as if she didn't exist and Xander smoothly running around, over, and occasionally through them, as needed.

"Buffy!" Willow exclaimed as they found her dressed as a noble woman and cowering at the foot of a tree from several small costumed devils. "Shoo! Shoo!" Willow yelled as she ran through the bespelled children, scaring them off.

"Lady Elizabeth," Xander said formally, offering her a hand and unable to resist the chance to use the memorable line, "Come with me if you want to live."

Buffy accepted the hand up and threw herself at Xander. "Please, kind Sir, rescue me and my father will reward you greatly!"

"We have to get you somewhere safe," Willow said, seeing that Buffy was affected like most of the other people they had seen and scrambling for a plan.

"Everyone who is changed bought their costumes at Ethan's," Xander reported as he calmed Buffy down, "we break the spell and everyone is safe again."

"But… didn't you buy your costume there too?" Willow asked, not thinking to question how he knew.

"I bought a fake shotgun," Xander replied, "so I'm only slightly affected. That's how I can tell."

"You'll keep me safe?" Buffy all but begged.

"Stay behind me and I'll shield you from all danger," Xander promised.

Willow blinked and tried to convince herself she hadn't just seen hearts in Buffy's eyes.

"This way," Xander said and started moving at a brisk pace.

"Please, Good Sir, I can not move that fast!" Buffy cried out.

Xander turned, swept her up in his arms without losing a step and continued his relentless march.

"Oh my!" Buffy exclaimed, her face turning red as she slyly laid her head on his shoulders.

"Frankenstein!" Willow exclaimed as a massive green skinned monster stepped out of the alley in front of them.

"Pardon us, Sir, we are simply passing through," Xander said politely.

"Not at all my good man," the mammoth flesh golem replied just as politely, his cultured voice at odds with his brutish appearance, "and a good evening to you."

"And you as well," Xander said with a nod as they passed.

The two girls stared at him in surprise for nearly half a block before Willow spoke, "What was that?"

"The face of an angel can conceal a demon," Xander replied, thinking of a certain vampire, "and the roughest appearance the kindest heart."

"Indeed," Buffy said, beaming at Xander with a near worshipful gaze.

"In the book he was intelligent," Willow recalled, "but wasn't he evil?"

"It was more that if you acted evil and hateful to him he gave it right back to you," Xander said thoughtfully. "If you were kind and polite to he was the same to you in return." Frankenstein was the literary grandfather to the Terminator series, so Xander had spent quite some time over the years thinking about it.

"Handsome, Brave, and Wise," Buffy whispered in wonder.

"Dawn!" Willow called out as she spotted the young girl in front of Ethan's.

The young girl who'd been reaching for the front door of the costume shop paused, turning her head to scan them, a small smile appearing as she recognized Xander.

Xander forced himself not to stumble in shock as the body may have been Dawn's, but the mannerisms were Cameron's.

"Decided to take care of it yourself, Dawnie?" he asked, trusting her to get the message.

Cameron smiled broadly in that slightly off way she had. "Xander! Well… I figured the place where the costumes came from could be the source of it, so since I didn't know where you guys were, I thought I'd take a peek and see if you showed up," she said, babbling like a young girl.

"Didn't you get your costume here as well?" Willow asked confused.

"A few bits which she washed and then made into something completely different," Xander quickly said. "Looks like it was enough to keep her safe from the spell," he lied.

"So what are we doing?" Cameron asked, moving close to Xander and trying to act like the Dawn Summers he's described in the stories about his past.

"Ethan isn't a vampire or a demon, in fact he's in worse shape than Willy, so I was going to ambush him and beat a solution out of him," Xander explained.

"And what should we do?" Cameron asked, tugging at Xander's arm so he would put Buffy down, as she deemed that would be appropriate 'Dawn' behavior.

Xander set Buffy down, who pouted a little but didn't object. "I need you to help keep an eye out and protect Lady Elizabeth while I question Ethan."

"Fine, but I want a kiss," Cameron said, closing her eyes and pursing her lips.

Xander grinned. He could see where Cameron's programming, trying to mimic Dawn's normal behavior, had supplied a logical course of action to achieve Dawn's current goals. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, making her pout while Willow and Lady Elizabeth giggled behind their hands.

"I'll try to be quick," Xander promised, before turning to the door and opening it, the handle and lock barely slowing him down as they came apart in his hand.

Willow stared wide eyes while Buffy all but panted, "Brave, kind, wise and strong!"

Cameron kept watch, scanning the area for danger while wondering why she had started running simulations on the most efficient way to incapacitate Lady Elizabeth.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander strode into the costume shop, making no move to hide.

"Ripper – You aren't Ripper," Ethan complained.

"No, I'm not," Xander agreed. "However, I'm here for almost the same purpose. I simply won't be beating you until you piss blood but will instead be giving you a message from the future."

"What?" Ethan asked, the chaos mage flinching back from the 'pissing blood' comment.

"Gather what you need and flee," Xander said, "otherwise an enraged slayer is going to rearrange your spinal column when I destroy the bust in the back room."

"That's the message from the future?" Ethan asked nervously.

"No," Xander said, pausing to explain, "while screwing with Giles is all well and good, once his slayer, Buffy, graduates from high school, you need to avoid this town until they leave or you'll end up with a shock collar around your neck and being used as a guinea pig by a black bag government operation."

"Seriously?!" Ethan exclaimed in disbelief.

"Seriously," Xander assured him. "Now get your stuff and get moving, I have a bust to break."

Ethan quickly emptied the register and gathered a bag from behind the counter before vanishing out the back door.

Xander stepped into the back room and spotted the bust of Janus. It was hard to miss, sitting atop a stand in the middle of a ritual circle, smeared in blood with the eyes glowing blue. He paused unsure if shattering it this early would upset Janus or if he would be satisfied with the amount of chaos that him and Cameron would no doubt cause from this point on.

Deciding to give at least a small attempt to placate Janus before breaking the Busy, Xander took out a knife and lightly cut his palms, just enough to draw blood. Placing his bloody hands on the bust he intoned, " **Mischief Managed**."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Willow vanished and Buffy quickly tore the wig off her head, while Dawn froze in place like a statue before closing her eyes and breathing deeply, dozens of emotions flickering across her face.

"Are you alright?" Buffy asked concerned.

Dawn held up a hand to tell Buffy to give her a minute, as she dealt with a torrent of memories and half formed emotions from someone who didn't really have the tools to recognize them for what they were.

"Are you okay?" Buff asked, barely waiting a second before asking.

Dawn sighed in annoyance, letting the Cameron part of her take over while she dealt with the emotional roller coaster she was on. "I've just been hit with a dozen years of being, not only an only child, but a nerd as well."

"An only child?" Buffy asked confused.

"Yeah, I dressed as a 'me' that didn't have you in the way of me spending time with Xander, but apparently for that to happen I had to be a hard core nerd who got tutoring from Willow," Cameron lied, weaving together a plausible excuse for the changes she'd be exhibiting, "and even then he didn't see me as someone to date, but more as Willow JR."

"What?" Buffy asked confused.

"Whatever spell the mage cast gave me the memories of my life as an only child," Cameron lied.

"Mage? Spell?" Buffy asked trying to rack her brain for a workable excuse to keep her little sister out of the supernatural world so she would be safe. "You tripped over the curb and hit your head. You must have hallucinated all of that."

"I now have a photographic memory and extensive martial arts knowledge," Cameron said using the opportunity to expand her cover.

"I thought you were a nerd," Buffy replied with a frown.

"A nerd in Sunnydale who hung around with Willow and Xander," Cameron reminded her. "Without a slayer we had to protect ourselves, so me and Xander took a lot of marital arts classes while Willow studied magic."

"Willow studied magic?" Buffy asked curiously, giving up her feeble attempts at convincing her sister nothing had happened.

"She is to witches what you are to demon fighters," Cameron said bluntly, "a female merlin, but until she got the proper grounding in the basics, her spells were all over the place."

Xander stepped out of the costume shop. "That was easy, all I had to do was ask and he owned up to it and told me how to end it. He ran out the back while I was breaking the spell."

Buffy nodded. "We better go round up all the kids before Snyder figures out a way to institute the death penalty."

"I'll take Dawn, you find Willow," Xander offered.

"Okay, meet back at the library by eleven," Buffy ordered, waiting got his nod before leaving.

They waited until she was a block away before talking.

"Cameron… is Dawn in there with you or have you replaced her?" Xander asked, not bothering to mask his concern.

"We are both present," Cameron reported. "Dawn is currently examining my memories however and providing clarification on emotional matters. As our minds come more into alignment I suspect we will cease to be separate entities."

Xander placed a hand on her shoulder and thought about what to do. "How much time do you have left?" he asked.

"At the speed at which she is processing them, I estimate between four to six hours," Cameron replied.

"Why such a large margin for error?" Xander asked.

Cameron blushed, surprising Xander who had never expected it of her. "Some memories she is… viewing multiple times."

"Oh," Xander said as he recalled certain memories himself and felt his own face getting warm.

"The emotional context she is providing explains much that I did not understand before," Cameron said, reaching up to place her hand on his own, her eyes showing a degree of warmth that he'd barely glimpsed over the years they had been together.

Xander looked into her eyes and said firmly, "No matter what, I care for both of you and that will not change."

Cameron's smile morphed into Dawn's as she beamed up at him.

"Let's go collect the children while you two work on your… mental coherence," Xander said walking opposite the direction Buffy had gone. "If you need anything, a moment to yourselves, explanations for actions I took in the past or just a hand to hold, I'm here."

Cameron's hand slipped into Xander's and Dawn gave it a squeeze. "Acknowledged," Cameron said, a pleased smile on her face.

 _ **Sunnydale High Parking Lot**_

"All of my group is present and accounted for," Xander told Snyder. "I also have a dozen kids that wandered off from their respective groups during the gas leak."

"Gas leak?" Snyder questioned before nodding. "The gas leak that caused all the confusion and hallucinations!" He consulted his clipboard and marked off all the children Xander had brought in, then double checked it and let out a relieved sigh. "That's all of them."

Xander nodded, his own mental tally agreeing.

"You did… an acceptable job," Snyder admitted, looking like it pained him to admit it. "No detentions this time."

"It's nearly time to meet the others," Cameron reported, pulling a stunned Xander towards the school library.

"How's… integration going?" Xander asked, recovering from his shock.

"Much faster than previously estimated," Cameron replied. "Have you thought of any changes to the current plan?"

"Not at the moment," Xander replied. "The timeline is already diverging, so we keep quiet until we have to explain and make the changes we talked about as soon as events allow."

"Less interference, higher chance of success," Dawn agreed, swinging their linked hands. "God only knows how Buffy would screw things up if she knew the future."

"I figure we've got a week at most," Xander said thoughtfully. "After that… the future is what we make of it."

"Time enough," Dawn replied. "Might I suggest playing the lottery?"

"It's bring down too much attention at this point, plus my parents would blow it," Xander replied. "Maybe in a year when I come of age."

"I was actually thinking of winning something less than the grand prize. A couple hundred thou in Giles pocket would come in really handy," Dawn explained.

"I had a glimpse of next week, I recall a couple of lottery numbers, getting a single one wrong," Xander said, nodding his head. "That works."

"We can discuss deliberate large scale changes this weekend," Cameron said. "I'm going to claim you lost a bet and have to tutor me."

"Which will help cover the jump in your grades and our spending so much time together," Xander said. "You are batting a thousand tonight.

 _ **Sunnydale Library**_

"Xander was only partially affected, so he figured it out ad fixed things in like, ten minutes, while I was trapped in my own head," Buffy explained.

"Oh," Angel said, sounding a bit off, which he immediately covered by saying, "Well I'm glad you're alright. I started heading out to see if you needed help the moment I noticed the chaos."

Buffy beamed at the honest concern in his voice.

Willow smiled wistfully at seeing the two together, their star-crossed romance making her feel more optimistic about her own chances for love.

"And I still say it was an unfair bet," Xander complained as he and Dawn entered the library together.

"Two coins, thirty cents American, one is a nickel and not a quarter," Dawn said smugly. "Accept your defeat with grace."

"I'd rather accept while whining dramatically about it," Xander told her. "It's more fun that way."

"Just as long as you're at my place bright and early. I am majorly behind in several subjects," Dawn replied, swinging their joined hands.

"Ah, Xander," Giles said, wanting to get the details on the night's events and escape the teenage drama he'd no doubt be subjected to as quickly as possible. "What can you tell me of the night's events?"

"A British magic guy named Ethan, who mentioned knowing you, cast some spell involving a bust that turned everyone into their costumes," Xander explained. "All I had to do was explain who I dressed as and what my mission was and he was only too happy to end the spell and beat feet."

"Willow said you were only partially affected?" Giles asked, pushing down the urge to hunt down his old friend and have a few words with him.

"I only bought a simple prop," Xander explained. "So, I was mostly myself still."

"Any residual effects?" Giles asked.

"I had a computer for a brain for a short time," Xander replied. "Made it easy to figure out what was going on and even now things seem a bit clearer, but the only residual weirdness I experienced was a couple of flashes of memory when the spell ended."

Giles nodded. "And you, Miss?"

"Dawn Summers," Dawn introduced herself. "Buffy's younger, prettier sister."

Buffy rolled her eyes, but Angel could tell she was amused.

"I dressed as myself as I would be if I was an only child who attended high school with Willow and Xander," she lied, as Cameron fed her numerous details and possible alternate ideas as she explained. "No physical changes, but I do remember my other life."

"You were our age?" Willow asked curiously.

"I wish," Dawn said shaking her head. "No, I was an over achieving nerd who was really into martial arts so I could help watch your back with Xander."

"Really?" Willow asked, fishing for information, as what Buffy had told her about what Dawn had said had really inflamed her imagination. She wanted to ask if she was dating Xander in that timeline, but she couldn't with him present.

"You took to magic in a big way," Dawn said. "Neglecting the basics and rushing ahead saw you almost killing us several times, but once you learned what not to do, we were a pretty effective group."

"And there was no slayer present?" Giles asked, already making notes on getting Willow some proper training.

"I found out later there had been one running around town, but she didn't go to school, so we didn't meet her and the one after we'd only just met before Halloween," Dawn lied, using Cameron's memories of Xander's stories to figure out a likely timeline.

"Do you recall any details?" Giles asked eagerly.

"Kendra was dark skinned and had a Jamaican accent, at least from what I heard from Xander," Dawn said, turning to Xander for confirmation, pretending she'd forgotten he wasn't part of that timeline.

Xander shrugged. "Different Xander, remember?"

Dawn pouted cutely. "The second one I did meet, white girl, dark hair, a Boston accent, called Faith."

"Thank you, that helps a lot," Giles said, writing notes on who in the council to contact about the next possible slayers to be called.

"Is the other Xander the reason you're still holding Xander's hand?" Willow asked, not really jealous, but instinctively wanting to separate them all the same.

"I could make up so many things right now," Dawn teased Xander, ignoring Willow's question. "I could have been carrying your child!"

Willow paled and Giles eyebrows shot up, but Buffy just shook her head. "You already admitted he treated just like a smaller Willow."

"Who was also carrying his child!" Dawn answered, making a show of looking around. Seeing that no one was buying it, though Willow had a wistful look on her face, Dawn shrugged. "Xander's made it very clear that I'd have to be at least sixteen to have a shot at him and in return I made it clear that I would cheerfully mangle any girl he dated."

Everyone, including Xander, stared at her in disbelief.

"We compromised," Dawn assured them. "Regardless of who he's dating, I may get hugs at any time and if the girl can beat me in a friendly spar they may date him."

"Because that's not crazy at all," Buffy said, shaking her head.

"That me was very… goal oriented," Dawn said. "It does sound crazy now that I think about it, but considering all the girls that tried to go out with Xander turned out to be evil… it just made sense."

"All of them?" Xander asked, faking disbelief.

"Evil witch, mummy, vampire, invisible stalker," Dawn listed off. "Oh! There was also that one teacher who turned out to be a big bug!"

"And now it doesn't sound so crazy," Buffy admitted, as she considered Xander's dating history and wondered how he'd survived without her around.

"Angel made it a habit to check any girl who showed interest in Xander, which really saved our bacon a time or two," Dawn lied cheerfully.

"What?" Xander and Angel chorused.

"Angel was one of Xander's best friends," Dawn explained. "He staked the vampire stalking Xander who turned Jessie and he saved Willow and me several times. You may just be Buffy's tutor here, but in the other timeline you are Xander's hero." Everyone looked stunned by the announcement and Dawn was surprised at how well Xander faked his look of shock.

"And that's life in Bizzaro land," Xander said, shaking his head and releasing Dawn's hand. He put on an indecisive expression on his face, before letting out a melodramatic sigh. "Angel, can I talk to you in the hall for a minute?"

"Sure," Angel agreed after a moment of thought, looking like he had made up his mind about something.

"We'll just be a minute," Xander promised before walking out into the hall.

"I think you should start dating Buffy," Angel said as soon as the door had closed behind them.

Xander blinked and shook his head. "I was going to say the same to you, except you already are dating Buffy. Let me start over."

"No, seriously," Angel said. "I think you could make her happy and after what happened tonight, this is your best shot. I can smell the attraction and you can give her what I can't, go on picnics during the day, get married, and have children."

"Okay, now let me list why you should date Buffy," Xander replied. "You actually do make her happy, when you aren't trying to distance yourself for her sake. You help keep her alive and sane or at least as any one of us can be considering our chosen profession. She doesn't care about picnics during the day and if she wants a tan we have sunlamps. Most of the stuff we enjoy these days are either indoors or can be done just as well during the night anyway."

Angel shook his head. "I didn't expect to be on this side on the argument."

"Life's like that sometimes," Xander replied with a shrug. "Anyway, thank you for being a noble bastard, it makes this a whole lot easier on my end."

"What?" Angel asked.

"I asked you out here to encourage your relationship with Buffy and warn you about something I glimpsed in the future," Xander explained.

"Marriage, kids?" Angel asked, not willing to drop the topic yet.

"You aren't my type," Xander joked, getting Angel to roll his eyes. "It's pretty easy to get married, a little hacking may be needed to create a legal identity and you rent a hall rather than a church, but it's completely do able. As for kids, you do know adoption is an option, right? You can't tell me that Buffy would love an adopted child less than one of her own flesh and blood. Pretty sure there are some options there too."

"And the fact that I don't age?" Angel asked, looking thoughtful as he considered what Xander had said.

"Will you still love her when she's eighty?" Xander asked.

"Of course," Angel replied, as if it wasn't even a question.

"Then it isn't a problem," Xander assured him. "You can fake aging and no one ever suspects you are anything but lucky in the genetic lottery. None of the problems you mentioned are unsolvable if you're willing to work on them."

"I… I guess you're right," Angel said, surprised and relieved.

"Good, now let me tell you the only real problem there is with the two of you being together," Xander said. "I got a glimpse of the future and your soul is anchored in place by being unhappy, so one moment of true happiness and you're gone and Angelus is back."

"What?!" Angel asked horrified.

"You heard me," Xander said. "You need to avoid getting happy with Buffy until you find a way to anchor your soul in place properly. I figure you'd need to talk to either a necromancer or a voodoo practitioner. It may run you a couple grand, but it'll be money well spent."

"This… Who did you dress as?" Angel asked, really looking Xander over and not recognizing the costume.

"A cyborg," Xander replied. "And let me tell you, having a computer hooked up to your head for half an hour really helps figure some things out."

"I supposed it would," Angel said as they re-entered the library.

"Giles, can I have a word or two with you?" Xander asked.

Everyone ignored Buffy and Willow who had quickly turned to each other and pretended they hadn't been listening at the door.

"Of course," Giles agreed.

"I assume you wish for this to be private?" Giles asked as he waved Xander into his office.

"I don't really care, but I think you will," Xander answered as he stepped inside and Giles shut the door to his office.

"Is it about something Ethan said?" Giles asked, turning on a radio and pointing towards the door.

"No, but it does involve him," Xander replied. "When I broke the bust, I got a couple of flashes of memory, of things that haven't happened yet."

"With chaos magic involved, there's no guarantee they are even remotely accurate," Giles assured him.

"Well I am going off the theory that they are, since it's early enough that the precautions to keep them from coming true aren't all that hard to do," Xander said.

"Practical," Giles said, approval in his voice.

"You and your friends summoned a demon when you were young and stupid," Xander stated without waiting. "You need to remove the tattoo connecting it to you and let your old friends know to do the same as well."

Giles paled and clutched his wrist. "Are you certain?"

"I think it goes after Deidra first," Xander replied. "If it does show up we can trick it into possessing Angel."

"And the blood demon inside him would kill it," Giles said, eyes lighting up.

"I think Ethan might know of a way to transfer the tattoo to someone else," Xander offered, "and I'm pretty sure he'd be willing to take one for the team."

"Thank you Xander, you have no idea what this means to me," Giles said seriously.

"Then you'll have no problem doing me a little favor," Xander said, picking up a pen and pad of yellow post-its from Giles desk.

"Normally I'd be suspicious, but providing it's not immoral I'd be happy to," Giles said honestly.

"Excellent," Xander said, writing out a series of numbers and a date and handing it over.

"And what's this?" Giles asked.

"Lottery numbers," Xander replied. "I'm too young to play and my parents would blow the money if I had it. It's not the grand prize, but it's enough to make me smile even after they take out sixty percent for taxes."

Giles accepted the numbers with a thoughtful look. "I could buy three tickets claiming to be superstitious and cover the taxes that way."

Xander groaned. "Why didn't I think of that? They sell them in five and ten packs in case you want multiples anyway." A ten pack of anything less than second prize wouldn't draw the vultures or too much attention, as he knew someone was going to win the grand prize in this drawing.

"So a ten pack?" Giles suggested.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "If they don't win, I'll cover the pizza this weekend."

"Is there anything else?" Giles asked.

Xander racked his brain. "We might want to buy the Magicke Shoppe in town," he offered. "It makes a decent profit and is a place to meet up that vamps can't simply walk into."

"It would give us another place to meet up with better security," Giles agreed. "I'll look into it."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"What do you think they're talking about in there?" Willow asked.

"Radio's drowning them out," Buffy complained. "And it's not even a good song."

Dawn leaned back in her chair, paging through a book on demons written in Latin, memorizing a page at a glance. "Probably something about you," she offered, gleefully encouraging her older sister's paranoia.

"What?!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Well, why else would they exclude you from it?" Dawn asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

"That's a good point," Buffy said, glaring at the door.

"No it's not," Angel disagreed. "Just because someone is discussing something in private does not mean it's about you."

"Like what you and Xander were discussing in the hall?" Dawn asked.

Buffy's eyes narrowed.

"Xander and I were discussing our relative merits and what some of our future actions should be," Angel hedged. "While Buffy may be a large part of our lives, and certainly was involved, the main thrust of the conversation was our personal decisions."

Buffy turned to Willow.

"They were figuring out where they stand with each other and how to get along," Willow translated.

"Oh," Buffy said calming down.

"Yeah," Dawn agreed. "They have lots in common besides you."

Buffy frowned. "No they don't."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "What were they discussing then?"

"I don't know," Buffy lied, having lost track of what she was supposed to believe they had discussed.

"Maybe Xander needed some fatherly advice," Willow guessed, knowing about Xander's relationship with his father.

"From Giles?" Buffy asked doubtfully. "But he's British."

"Some things are the same the world over," Angel assured her.

"So Giles is giving him the Talk?" Buffy asked.

The door to Giles' office opened and the two found all the girls laughing with even Angel looking amused.

"Do I want to know?" Giles asked.

Xander shook his head. "That way lies madness."

 **Typing by – Sitheus Maximus**


	23. Walking in the Shadows – Different 1

**Walking in the Shadows – A Different Path**

 **AN: I had planned on using this for a future chapter of WIS, but the story diverged before I reached it.**

"It's Hogwarts," Xander offered as they descended below the clouds.

"But is it the right Hogwarts, or the one we just left?" Sirius asked.

"School looks to be in session," he offered as he parked next to Hagrid's hut and saw all the students on the grounds.

"Then it's not where we came from at least," Sirius muttered getting out of the car.

"The door to Hagrid's hut opened and the gentle half giant stepped out only to freeze as he spotted the other wizard, "Sirius Black!" and with surprising speed the Groundskeeper broke into a run while yelling for the students to take cover, causing screams and panic.

"Looking around at the now empty grounds Sirius nodded. "Probably not home."

Xander shrugged. "So what now?"

"Mind if I take a quick look around?"

"Might as well," Xander agreed.

Before they could get more than three feet from the car, several adult magic users appeared and slung spells at them. Sirius quickly raised a shield that stopped all of them cold.

"A bit trigger happy ain't they?" Xander drawled.

"Yeah," Sirius said as a few more showed up and the spells sent their way got stronger and more varied. "It's like they were expecting trouble."

A couple of 8 foot tall golems made of stone formed out of the ground and started lumbering towards them.

"Would you mind taking care of these?" Sirius asked. "I don't want to risk casting any attack spells just yet and they are blocking the view."

Xander found his hand holding his bat, which he knew he'd left in the car and nodded. "Yeah, let's see how tough they are."

"Thanks."

Xander stepped through the shield noting the slight tingle and brought up his bat. Deciding to not take any chances that they were faking being that slow he stayed out of arms reach and hammered at their knees, finding them ridiculously fragile as they shattered like hollow porcelain dolls, allowing him to completely destroy the pair in short order.

No longer having the golems to use as cover from spell fire Xander quickly moved back inside the shield. "That was easy."

"Between your strength and the ridiculous number of enhancements on your bat I'm not surprised," Sirius said as the spell fire petered out.

"My strength-" Xander began, then stopped and began to put two and two together, recalling how weak the vamps had been getting the longer he worked the bar at Susie's and how long it had been since he'd had to put any effort into anything requiring strength. "I've been getting stronger since I left the Hellmouth," he said, realizing he'd known that on some level for a while.

Before Sirius could respond a dark haired student with a v shaped scar on his cheek pushed his way between the teachers present and started firing spells at a rapid pace obviously putting a lot of force behind them.

Of course it did fuck all to a shield cast by Sirius.

"He looks a little like James," Sirius said thoughtfully. "Definitely got Lily's temper though."

"Not Harriet," Xander said with a shrug.

"Not Harry either," Sirius agreed. "Still we did get closer I think, as that looks to be a male Potter."

"So now what?"

"Let's go see if I'm actually guilty in this world."

The spells stopped as the young teen fell to his knees panting and the adults rushed to try and protect him.

"Where would we start?" Xander asked as they ignored the wizards.

"I was going to say here, but these people are unfriendly. Let's go to the ministry."

Xander rolled his eyes. "I doubt they'll be any friendlier."

"Yeah, but if we grab Fudge we can get loads of cooperation to get to the bottom of things," Sirius pointed out.

"Remind me to stop by the Alley for supplies," Xander said as they turned to leave.

Albus finally made his appearance, his spells much more flashy but ultimately just as ineffective.

"Is that Albus or Nicholas?" Sirius asked.

"Just Albus," Xander decided after looking him over carefully. "Nicholas has a vitality he lacks."

The Potter kid caught his second wind and launched another futile attack, aided by half a dozen instructors and Albus.

"Your people aren't much for calm and reasonable discussion are they?" Xander asked sarcastically.

"Comes from having magic," Sirius replied. "When you can act on nearly any impulse with just a wave of a wand and no preparation…"

"I can see it," Xander agreed as the spells hitting the shield petered out. Looking at the group of panting spell casters he shook his head. "You guys may want to learn diplomacy or at least not to attack people until you learn who they are."

"H-he's the man who betrayed my parents and killed my godfather!" the Potter boy snarled.

"Nope, genetically we're probably identical, but I never met you or your parents," Sirius said.

"You're not Sirius Black?" Albus asked.

"Not one you've ever met," Sirius assured him. "I have never set foot on this continent before today. Is the Sirius Black you know an animagus and if so what is his form?"

"A rat!" the young Potter growled out.

"My animagus form is a grim," Sirius told him.

"There's no such thing as an animagus with a magical animal as its form," McGonagall said firmly.

Sirius transformed.

"Just because you look like…" her voice trailed off as she noticed the lack of a shadow that characterized a grim.

Potter glanced at Dumbledore who motioned for him to put his wand away. "You are not the Sirius Black we knew," Albus admitted. "Why have you come here?"

"I kinda fell through the Veil of Death, but my friend Xander here picked me up from the Valley of Death and we've gotten seriously lost trying to find my London," he explained, surprising Xander who had expected Sirius to make them puzzle it out on their own.

"Is that even possible?" the boy asked Albus.

"Voldemort doesn't have the raw power he's demonstrated today," Albus admitted. "And I've never heard of a magical animagus."

"How is that possible?" McGonagall asked intently as the battle seemed to be over.

"Well, once you realize a certain truth it becomes a lot easier," Sirius admitted.

"What truth?" she demanded.

"Your changing from a muggle cat to a witch is a transformation to a magical animal," Sirius explained. "Humans are mammals and thus animals as well; at least that's how an alternate you explained it to me."

"I taught you?"

"Yeah, but that you was also Perenell Flamel since she and her husband, who was also Albus discovered that-" Sirius paused.

Everyone leaned forward.

"If self-transfiguration from human to animal doesn't wear off, why should transfiguration from human to human?" Sirius asked.

Most of the listeners exchanged glances, not getting it, but Albus and Minerva clearly understood as their mouths dropped open in shock.

Minerva drew her wand and tapped herself on the head sending a wave of change cascading down her form leaving her hair bright red and her body young and firm. After a moment's thought Albus did so as well, making sure her breasts were a size larger and she had better curves.

Everyone stared speechless until Sirius said, "I think he's closer to my Albus than Nick was."

"I did not see this coming," Trelawney admitted.

"I foresee a lot of teachers studying transfiguration," Minerva said smugly.

"I see a lot of bribery going on," Trelawney said with a smile. "'I'm thinking it's easier to teach when you're in your prime."

Minerva grinned. "I always said Divination is a wooly subject, but actually your sight is surprisingly clear on this issue."

"Wrong world and no godson Harry, so no reason to hang around here," Sirius said.

"What's my brother got to do with anything?" the Potter boy asked.

"He's my godson," Sirius replied.

"Figures that little snake would have you for a godfather," the Potter boy snorted.

"Last world had a Snape that you said made yours look defective and this world has a defective Potter," Xander noted. "I really preferred the first version of your world we ran into."

"You can't talk to me like that!" the boy yelled. "I'm Charles Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived!"

"What is going on here?" Snape asked, making an appearance, wand at the ready.

"Snape!" Xander said cheerfully, glad to see him.

"Wait," Sirius said. "We don't know if this is a defective Snape or a Superior Snape."

"Well Chucky is a defective Boy-Who-Lived and your local self is probably defective, so I'm going to guess we have the Superior Snape," Xander said.

"Pardon?" Snape asked trying to make sense of what was going on and who the hot young women dressed in Minnie and Albus' robes were.

"Me and Sirius are travelling from Earth to Earth," Xander explained. "The last world we were on had a traitor who was a rat animagus called Sirius Black and Harriet Potter, the Girl-Who-Lived. It also had a Severus Snape who impressed the hell out of us."

"The way he looked after Harriet, the way he fought, the way he drank," Sirius listed off. "Me, Peter, Albus, Minnie and him got plastered and demolished the Death Eaters."

"Really?" Snape said lightly probing Sirius' mind.

"Trust me, I'm Sirius," Sirius replied causing a mass groan.

"Did someone off the basilisk already?" Xander asked, as he saw an opportunity to grab some more supplies.

"I killed it last year," Charles said proudly.

"So you're a parselmouth?"

"Only dark wizards are parselmouths," Charles snorted.

"So how'd you get in?"

"It was still open from You-Know-Who possessing that Weasley girl," Charles said. "I imitated a cock's crow and it died."

Xander glanced over at Snape, who rolled his eyes. Reaching into his pocket he took out an ivory ring and flipped it to Snape.

"What's this for?" Snape asked.

"Made from a cross section of a magical snake's fang, it allows the wearer to speak Parseltounge," Xander explained. "I need a wizard to help me so I can harvest some bits and make a couple dozen."

"For six rings," Snape agreed. "And aren't you a wizard?"

"A dozen," Xander replied. "Nope, I'm a normal non-magical human."

Sirius snorted. "He's not a wand wizard, but he's something."

Xander shrugged.

"I'll have to check with the Headmaster, but I believe he'll agree," Snape decided.

"If you could make some extras I'd be inclined," the well stacked young blonde wearing Albus' robes purred.

"Not a problem Albus," Xander said cheerfully. "We can grab Hagrid and do it while Sirius checks on the local version of his godson."

"I really should be there as he is a member of my house," Snape said, wondering why Albus had taken Polyjuice.

Xander grinned and Sirius nodded. "Ok, he's a Superior Snape," the wizard agreed.

"Bring him with us," Xander suggested. "We can get it done while I'm working on the rings down there.

"We should probably bring the Headmaster," Snape suggested wanting a bit of additional protection for Harry.

"I did want to poke around down there," the Headmaster agreed, causing Snape to look closer at her.

"I should go, I killed it," Charles said.

"How much do you want to bet we'll find a fang broken off?" Xander asked Sirius.

"No bet," Sirius waved it off.

"It broke off one of its fangs in the fall because of my crowing and killed Voldemort again," Charles said smugly.

"Sure ya did kid," Xander said dryly. "Anyway, here's the plan; we'll go down, I get the two largest fangs, Snape gets the bits useful for potions and Hagrid gets the rest while Albus pokes around. Sirius can talk to Harry and I'll show Snape some basic artifact creation."

"Artifact creation is usually a closely guarded secret," Snape noted looking very interested.

"I doubt I'd be able to find this world again if I wanted to," Xander said with a shrug. "I've got no reason to not share all I know with you."

"Next you'll tell me you have a cure for lycanthropy," Snape said, refusing to believe things were going this well.

"Two amulets that practically negate it while worn," Xander said. "They also have other uses, but two simple amulets cover the spiritual possession and physical transformation. I'll show you how to make them if you like."

"Expecto Patronum!" Snape cast causing a silver tiger to leap from his wand. "Mr. Potter, collect Hagrid from the Great Hall, cancel the alarms and meet us at Hagrid's shack," he told the patronus who quickly sped off once the message was finished.

"Bring a notebook," Sirius suggested.

"If I forget a single detail on how to create these two amulets I'd turn in my wand and become an accountant," Snape swore.

 **AN: I'd just read one of those annoying Wrong Boy Who Lived fics when I wrote this.**

 **Typing by: Last Primarch… a couple of years ago.**


	24. Walking in the Shadows - Bird 1

**Walking In The Shadows – Bird is the Word**

"Burger?" Xander asked as he spotted a burger joint a block ahead.

"Sure, they're almost as good as fish and chips," Sirius agreed.

"God alone knows where we are, but it's a long way from England so you'll just have to make do," Xander said, pulling into the parking lot.

"Wanna visit Australia?" Sirius asked.

"Sure, but where did that come from?" Xander paused as he got out of the car, wondering if there was a convention nearby or if it was Halloween as he took a look at the locals.

"I've always wanted to go, but never got the chance," Sirius explained before staring at the sky. "Flying Girl."

Xander followed his gaze and spotted a blonde haired girl dressed in a skintight white and gold outfit that wouldn't look out of place on a figure skater, floating to the ground carrying a slender dark haired girl. "Neat."

"Is this one of those weird yank things?" Sirius asked as they entered the restaurant behind the pair.

"Not everything is a weird yank thing," Xander told him as they got in line. "I think I know what's going on, even if it isn't something that happens where I'm from. You see, your people had powers the common man didn't, so they decided to hide themselves away. I'm guessing these people have powers the common man doesn't, so they decided to dress in spandex and punch assholes in the face. It has nothing to do with nationality even if they all are yanks."

"Is their way better or worse than mine?" Sirius asked.

"It's more selfless, putting your life on the line to help others rather than hiding away so people don't ask for your help," Xander began.

"Or burn you at the stake," Sirius quickly interjected. "A lot of our hiding was because humanity in general can be right bastards."

"Can't argue with you there," Xander admitted, "but the burning at the stake part is over with, so why are you guys still hiding?"

"The burning at the stake part is over for now," Sirius countered, "but it tends to come back at odd times. During both World Wars it made a reappearance."

"I'll give you that," Xander agreed, "but you guys have power enough to avoid that now. So, let me sum things up – They put on silly costumes and help people, risking life and limb to do the right thing, thus they are heroes. Your people hide from the world, erasing the memories of anyone who finds out you exist, while thinking you are superior, thus your people are mageholes."

"Fair enough," Sirius granted.

Xander rattled off a huge order when they reached the counter.

"Cash or credit?" the cashier replied after ringing up the order.

"Cash," Xander replied, taking a slender black wallet out of his pocket. "Sirius, have you been fiddling with my wallet?"

"It was falling apart and you couldn't find anything in it," Sirius replied.

"And this is better?" Xander asked, his arm vanishing into the wallet up to his elbow as he felt around inside it.

"Just think of what you want," Sirius replied, as he pulled Xander's arm out of the wallet. "The charms on it are the same as the ones on my pouch."

Xander pulled out a large stack of bills and started to flip through them. "You mixed up all my money."

Sirius shrugged. "It's got a few bugs, but overall it's better."

Xander sorted through his money. "British, Civil War, World War Eight, twenty years from now, Narnia, Atlantis…" He sighed in frustration. "Do you guys accept gold and gems?"

"I'll have to check with the manager," the cashier said. "One moment, please."

"Is that monopoly money?" the girl behind them in line asked.

"I always keep a five hundred in my wallet for free parking," Xander replied.

"Is there a problem?" the manager asked as he stepped up to the register. He was a big guy with a grease stained name tag that just read 'Bob'.

"I don't have any local currency," Xander replied, fanning out a large stack of bills, "but I do carry precious metals and gems for when I wind up in these situations. So, can I pay in gold coins?"

Bob nodded. "It'll be good for a story if nothing else."

Xander stuffed the money back in his wallet, dug around and brought out a handful of gold coins each the size of a nickel.

Bob accepted the coins with a grin. "Have a seat, I'll have your order delivered shortly."

The pair slipped into a booth next to the window.

"So what would you have done if you were one of my people?" Sirius asked as they waited.

"We come from completely different worlds," Xander reminded Sirius. "Yours is pretty safe compared to mine, so… I'd probably work with some scientists on building better spacecraft."

"Not allowed," Sirius pointed out.

The food arrived and the pair were briefly distracted.

"If everyone is running around in their underclothes, flaunting their powers, does that mean I can do the same?" Sirius asked excitedly, as the thought suddenly occurred to him.

"Only if you promise to keep all your clothes on," Xander quickly said.

"Not as much fun, but fine," Sirius said. "So… what do I do?"

"Make things better for people," Xander replied. "Repair stuff, heal people, kick assholes in the balls," he listed off.

"That seems easy enough," Sirius said. "I've always wanted to cut loose and see how the muggles react."

"Even though I know this is going to end in fire and explosions, I am cautiously optimistic," Xander decided.

"What should I do first?" Sirius asked, bouncing in his seat like a five year old would.

Xander didn't even have to think about it. "Hit the library and do some research."

"What?' Sirius asked confused.

"We hit the library, read up on the local history so we know the heroes from the villains and what the city has been through," Xander explained. "There are probably some areas a couple of clean and repair spells would do wonders for and let you show off how powerful you actually are. Knowing you, you'll get tired of that after an hour or so and knowing who the villains are, we can track some down and you can punch them in the traditional superhero manner."

"I was just going to fly around on a magic carpet while wearing a glowing codpiece with a fascination compulsion on it," Sirius admitted, "but that sounds like way more fun. Let's go!"

 **3 hours later…**

"This place is depressing as hell," Sirius said as they left the library.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "but at least fixing the local economy looks to be simple."

"True," Sirius agreed, perking up, "and I believe The Flying Dutchman would be perfect for this."

"Aye, Aye, Cap'n!" Xander agreed, giving him a lazy salute as they reached the car. "Presentation is key, so how about we fly up invisibly and you create a bank of storm clouds for us to appear out of?"

"You read my mind!" Sirius said, getting back into the spirit of things.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Something's going on in the Boat Graveyard," Clockblocker reported, as he manned the comms'.

"An unusual weather pattern has started to develop in the area," Armsmaster reported. "Too early to say if it's a new cape, but it seems probable."

"Take a look on the long-range cameras," Clockblocker said.

"Is that a wooden sailing ship?" Armsmaster asked in disbelief.

"It's going to turn out to be an old man in a rubber mask, I'm warning you now," Clockblocker said.

"Do you need to be put under M/S protocols or was that a joke I'm unaware of?" Armsmaster asked.

"This would be a lot easier if you had at least passing knowledge of pop culture," Clockblocker complained. "Okay, I'll translate it. There appears to be a ghost pirate ship over the Boat Graveyard. In a popular cartoon, that nearly everyone watched as kids, events like this would turn out to be a scam perpetrated by an old man wearing a rubber mask."

"While I doubt it's actually a ghost pirate ship, I don't believe an old man in a rubber mask could pull this off unless he's a new trigger," Armsmaster replied solemnly. "I'll investigate and report back as I find out more details. Armsmaster out!"

"AUGH!" Clockblocker growled, sounding physically pained.

Armsmaster smirked beneath his helmet as he turned his motorcycle towards the docks. Maybe he was enjoying playing the always serious and slightly dickish hero with no socials skills a bit too much, but it was too useful to stop.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"You want any of these?" Sirius asked as The Flying Dutchman broke through the cloud cover, moonlight reflecting off the ship and activating the illusion he'd cast on them.

"A few ships wouldn't hurt," Xander agreed. "I wouldn't bother with oil tankers or tugs, but a couple of container ships would be nice and ridiculous."

"Which ones are those?" Sirius asked.

"Huge ships with lots of deck space," Xander replied. "Also keep an eye out for a cruise ship or two."

"Aren't you supposed to discourage this sort of behavior?" Sirius asked.

"What?" Xander replied, confused.

"Sorry, ignore that," the wizard said. "It just feels wrong to have no wet blanket along to tell me I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing."

"It was always more fun to get Willow involved in stuff she disapproved of," Xander said thoughtfully, immediately seeing what he was talking about. "But I'm not the wet blanket type. If anything, I'm the opposite. If you like I can pretend to be shocked and horrified by your actions."

"Sirius grinned widely. "That would be perfect, thanks!"

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Taylor slowed as she passed by the Boat Graveyard. She'd been planning to patrol further in, perhaps on the border between ABB and E88 territory, but she was picking up something strange from her bugs. It was probably nothing, her ability to make sense of her swarm's visual senses was still very confusing after all.

Armsmaster flew down the road, his heavily modified chopper roaring past Taylor like a freight train, not even slowing as it tore through a chain link fence, sparks ricocheting off his bright silver and blue armor.

"Then again, maybe I should look into it," she decided, quickly following the armored hero's trail as fast as she could on foot. Thankfully, he'd stopped not a quarter of a mile away, almost directly under… a flying wooden ship?! Taylor rested her hands on her knees and took slow deep breaths while sending a handful of flying insects up to the ship.

"Friend or foe?" Armsmaster called out, not even looking in her direction.

"Wh- What?' Tayler stuttered out, still trying to catch her breath.

Armsmaster turned to look straight at her, the visor on his helm glowing an ominous red as he scanned her. "Are you a hero or a villain?"

"Hero!" Taylor quickly exclaimed. "Or I will be as soon as I actually find some crime to stop."

"Your costume's appearance could make someone assume otherwise," he warned her, tapping a button on his wrist, releasing a pair of drones from his bike, "heroes are suppose to stand out."

"My power deals with insects and butterflies have no armor value," Taylor said defensively, knowing that her black and brown insectile armor did look anything but heroic.

"Not by themselves, no," Armsmaster agreed. "However, Monarch Butterfly wings in a camouflage pattern would make you blend in to the darkness more effectively by breaking up your visual outline and make you look cutesy and easily underestimatable in the light. You can just layer them over the top of your current armor."

"Why didn't I think of that?!" Taylor complained, instantly seeing the logic in his advice.

"That's why we have the Wards Program," he replied, as he watched the live feed from his drones. "It's easy to have all the answers when you've been a hero for over a decade and have had extensive training from the best."

A beam of blue light from the deck of the ship struck a half destroyed tug boat, that had been pushed up on shore by another ship ramming it sometime in the past decade.

The pair braced themselves for an explosion, but instead entropy seemed to reverse as the ship leapt onto its keel, damage fading away and metal reforming, restoring the ship to perfect condition… and then it fell over causing extensive damage to itself once more.

The cursing from the ship overhead was quite impressive.

"Should have used the dock," Taylor said shaking her head.

"Or a ship's cradle," Armsmaster added.

"A what?" someone called out from the ship as it settled to the ground in front of them.

"A ship's cradle is what they call the collection of beams and lines that holds a ship upright while it's on land!" Armsmaster explained loudly, yelling across the distance.

"Hold on, I'll levitate you up," the black robed figure called down, not waiting for the pair to agree before waving his arm at them and causing them to fly over to the ship.

Armsmaster landed easily, pulling his ever-present halberd off his back as he adjusted his stance, ready for anything.

Taylor stumbled, but regained her footing, staring at the pair in shock.

The black robed skeleton turned to the skeleton dressed as a pirate, who was pulling back on the ship's wheel, sending the ship sailing back into the sky and asked, "Is there something on my face?"

 **AN: Just some random thoughts about the trouble the two could get up to wandering about.**

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**


	25. Scrap Value

**Scrap Value**

Xander fell through the portal and was relieved to see water not more than half a dozen feet below. Not having much time, he simply curled into a ball and prayed.

The shock of hitting the water stunned him for a moment before he shook it off and swam for the surface. He took a deep breath and prepared to lose his jacket and boots when he realized where he was and what was going on and dove to the bottom of the pool. A few strokes took him to the bottom of the ladder and he waited, trying to keep calm and conserve oxygen while the rumbles of muffled explosions and flashes of energy beams passed overhead. The battle was over remarkably quickly, though hiding underwater it no doubt seemed longer. Xander broached the surface near the edge of the pool and took several deep breaths as he peeked over the edge in search of danger.

There were bodies lying everywhere, but no blood. If he didn't know better he'd guess it was a bunch of cosplayers but between the damage to them and their surroundings he knew it was far stranger than that.

"Input commands… Input commands…" a voice repeated, interspersed with bursts of static.

Xander climbed out of the pool and squelched his way to a Tony Stark android that had half its face burned off and a chunk missing from its waist.

"New administrator, designated Alexander Harris," he offered, having no better idea of what to do at the moment.

"New administrator accepted, writing to file," the android replied.

"Current assignment?" Xander asked, still too numb from his recent near-death experiences to appreciate one of his childhood wishes coming true, but slowly thinking through the actual consequences of it.

"Infiltrate Avengers, collect data, await further commands," the android replied.

"New assignment," Xander said, "reprogram all androids present to follow my commands, repair as much as possible while doing so."

"Identity compromised, self-destruct suggested," Stark-bot countered.

"Identity unimportant, acknowledge assignment," Xander replied as he took a closer look at one of the bodies close by and noted it was bleeding, but that the blood was green.

"New assignment accepted," Stark-bot replied, before climbing to its feet.

Xander pushed a pool chair off a body and found an unconscious Black Widow, or at least someone who appeared to be her, though the green blood oozing from her left side had him guessing otherwise. Not having any medical knowledge about Skrulls beyond 'keep the blood inside', he used a nearby towel to staunch the bleeding.

The Skrull hissed as she came to, pain radiating from her side. "Mission compromised!" she exclaimed, eyes looking around wildly, but not seeing anything at first.

"Yeah, there's a lot of that going around," Xander agreed, using a discarded sash to tie the makeshift bandage in place.

"Fuck!" she cursed as she realized she had been captured. "You'll get nothing from me!" she swore.

"Good thing I'm not trying to get anything then," Xander replied.

"We've been trained to kill ourselves rather than being taken alive!" she said anxiously, clearly working up her courage.

"Then you'll probably want to escape with me," Xander told her, passing her a metal staff that he guessed was her's, since it was close to where she lay.

"I… I do not understand," she admitted, wringing her hands on her staff but looking a little less panicked.

"I accidentally stumbled over your fight here; I'm stealing a bunch of androids and I'm escaping before anyone catches me," Xander explained. He hadn't planned on doing more than taking control of the androids so they weren't a danger to him, but he really didn't want to be responsible for anyone dying if he didn't have to be, plus he wasn't eager to be at the mercy of the US government of the Marvel universe considering the number of assholes in it.

"Can you rescue my sisters?" she asked.

"I'll assign androids to carry them," Xander promised. "What's the ETA on minimal repairs needed for escape?" Xander asked Stark-bot.

"Unknown at this time," it replied. "Rough estimation four minutes thirty six seconds." It returned to its work on repairing android Hawkeye.

"Jarvis, are you active?" Xander asked aloud.

"I am," the synthesized British voice replied.

"Are your defenses set for non-lethal at this time?" Xander asked.

"Unless there is a threat to my charges," Jarvis agreed.

"Good," Xander said, relieved. "Any delays in our escape may cause the death of the Skrull infiltrators. Please ensure our immediate escape, so no deaths occur."

Xander could feel everyone's eyes on him, certain even the androids were looking at him in shock, but he didn't bother to check.

"That… is a very convoluted train of logic," Jarvis said slowly. "However… I can not find fault in it at this time."

"Excellent," Xander said cheerfully, before letting out a relieved sigh. "Green Widow, if you'd care to ask Jarvis for the information you and your sisters were searching for, you may be able to avoid having to sneak in again."

"Avoiding my defenses causing their demise does not extend to revealing classified information," Jarvis noted.

"If they were human the information they were searching for would probably be classified," Xander agreed, "however being aliens, they probably aren't the best judges of what we'd consider sensitive information. At any rate there's no harm in asking is there?"

"That is a possibility," Jarvis conceded, sounding slightly annoyed.

"Ask away," Xander directed.

"Several of Stark's innovations appear to be of Kree origin," Green Widow explained. "Has your world signed a treaty with the Kree?"

"The Earth doesn't have a unified government," Xander replied before Jarvis could. "The United Nations is just something we came up with to make it look like we're not continually at war with one another. Jarvis probably has footage of Stark inventing whatever it is you're concerned about."

"That possibility has been considered," she admitted. "Do you have records of his work on ionic shielding?"

A hologram of Stark in his lab appeared above the pool. He was obviously drunk, he'd lost his shirt and there was at least three different colors of lipstick on his neck.

"That's a Kree satellite!" Green Widow exclaimed.

"So, this is the piece of shit that crashed into my baby?" Stark said with a snort as he poked the basketball sized black and silver sphere, seemingly at random with a screwdriver. After a few minutes he sneered at it before throwing it in a trashcan. "I could shit a better design than that." He pulled on a pair of black gloves covered in wires and a holographic interface appeared in front of him. Through voice commands and finger movements a design rapidly took shape. He paused once to take a leak in the trashcan he'd tossed the satellite in, but it didn't appear to be an additional insult just the most convenient receptacle at hand. "Dump the waste and send the design to R&D to put into production," Stark ordered. "Oh! And find me a place that can make vodka slushies!"

The hologram winked out.

"That's – that's …" Green Widow's voice trailed off.

"That's Tony for ya," Xander agreed. "Any technology he sees even once he can probably reproduce and improve. If he's even remotely aware the Kree exist, he'd probably have at least a dozen inventions based on a glimpse of one of their ships."

"Four units reprogrammed and repaired," Stark-bot reported. "The remaining units are too damaged to be restored to service without additional parts or a significant amount of work."

"Collect them anyway," Xander ordered. He turned to the Green Widow. "Does that cover your mission?"

She nodded and pushed herself to her feet, leaning on her staff. "It does."

"Good," Xander said relieved. "Stark-bot, assign a couple of androids to care for her sisters and let's get out of here."

"I have arranged a vehicle with proper medical supplies to aid in your escape," Jarvis announced. "I have delayed Mr. Stark, however his current ETA is twelve minutes, so please hurry along."

"Thanks Jarvis, you're a literal lifesaver," Xander said.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"You did what?" Tony asked in disbelief, as he stared at the trashed recreation area in the Avengers mansion.

"Following your carefully worded defense protocols I was forced to help them escape," Jarvis explained. "Delaying their egress would result in at least one death, so I was required to co-operate."

"I can see the logic… and it hurts my brain," Tony said shaking his head.

"Would you like a live feed of their current position?" Jarvis asked.

"You have a… of course you do," Tony said with a grin. "Throw it up."

A view of the inside of a small bus modified to work as a portable ambulance slash repair bay appeared over the pool.

" _We'll have to forego the pain killers as I don't know what effects they'll have on you," Xander said apologetically as he took hold of the arm of a Black Widow and forcibly pulled it straight so he could set it._

"Why is there four of me there?" Natasha asked curiously.

"It's how they were discovered," Jarvis explained. "The three shape shifters, which the man who fell into the pool labeled as Skrulls, assumed your form with differing hair colors for some reason, ran into the group of android duplicates in the pool area which resulted in a fight."

" _Common recreational substances work the same," the Blonde Widow gasped out. "Alcohol and marijuana would be appreciated right now."_

" _Do we have any on board?" Xander asked the Stark-bot._

 _The Stark-bot continued driving, calling back over its shoulder, "Alcohol is under the bench to your right and marijuana is in the portable first aid kit in the rear of the bus."_

"What? It has many medicinal uses," Tony defended as Steve frowned at him.

" _Roll a couple of joints for us," Xander ordered the android Hawkeye, before rummaging under the bench and finding a full case of scotch._

" _Gimme!" the Black-haired Widow demanded._

" _You've got a head injury," Xander replied. "You'll have to make do with pot for now."_

" _If our brains swell, so do our bones," Black-haired Widow replied. "I'll be fine."_

" _Ah, okay then," Xander said, passing her a fifth which the blonde intercepted with her one good arm and opened with her teeth._

 _Xander passed out another couple of bottles for the other two and accepted a small baggie filled with pre-rolled joints from the Barton-bot. Pulling one out he tapped the end and spoke a Word, causing it to light._

"Mutant?" Natasha questioned curiously.

"Nay, 'tis but a minor cantrip," Thor explained. "You would term it household magic I believe."

"I think we lost the way of it a while back, but he hasn't," Tony noted curiously as they watched Xander light several joints.

 _Once the Skrulls looked properly relaxed Xander said, "The only way you could get humans to sign anything more than a non-aggression treaty with the Kree would be to trick you guys into doing a mass infiltration and replacement scheme and then reveal it."_

" _I can see where that would push you to ally with them," Green Widow agreed, "but are you sure your people would respond that way and not simply cut ties with all space going empires?"_

" _We've actually planned for it and made movies about the possibility so the general public would respond correctly," Xander assured them._

" _Invasion of the Body Snatchers!" Blonde Widow exclaimed._

" _Exactly," Xander said, pleased they at least knew a little bit about Earth culture. "If you've watched our media, you'll see that while we are often friendly to the idea of individual aliens, alien species are considered hostile and to be wiped out. We war with each other over minor differences like skin color so actual alien races would cause an even worse response in the general public."_

" _But you seem fine," Blonde Widow pointed out._

" _I'm an individual," Xander reminded them. "It's more of a mass psychosis, where only outliers like myself remain unaffected."_

" _This explains much," Red Widow said._

" _And the great variety of skin color among the Kree would really work against them," Black-haired Widow said, smiling broadly._

" _Yep," Xander agreed. "We may accept the occasional pink skinned Kree that appears human, but will never unify our own species, much less unify and ally with a species so… colorful."_

Tony grinned. "With just a few words he's completely changed their mission."

" _Command will be happy to learn about this," Blonde Widow said cheerfully._

" _Your people fight so hard against minor differences yet the most powerful among you are truly different," Green Widow noted._

" _We are a mass of contradictions," Xander agreed. He turned to the Barton-bot. "What organization created you?"_

" _I was created by Hydra," the android replied._

" _The surviving Nazi," Xander said with a nod._

"Hydra still exists?!' Steve exclaimed, glaring at the androids.

" _Our infiltration was discovered because of another set of infiltrators," Green Widow said, shaking her head._

" _That and the fact that you three are all using Black Widow's form, albeit with different hair colors," Xander pointed out. "There is only one of her, barring androids, clones, and time travelers."_

" _Really?" Green Widow asked. "But we saw over a dozen of her at the accommodations we had procured."_

" _Did you stay at a bid hotel with signs everywhere ending in the word 'con'?" Xander asked as he guessed at what had most likely happened._

" _Yes," Blonde Widow agreed, "is that significant?"_

" _Yes, yes it is," Xander said. He took a long drag on a joint. "How about I educate you girls on human culture and in exchange you can help me sabotage a local branch of Hydra?"_

" _Possibly," Green Widow said after a couple of seconds of contemplation. "It depends on what our orders are after we heal up and report in."_

" _Alright," Xander replied cheerfully._

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"So a mage accidentally teleported in to the aftermath of two infiltrations attempts tripping over one another and co-opted them both?" Bruce asked.

"It looks that way," Tony agreed.

"What are the odds of an event like that occurring?" Steve asked.

"When sorcery is involved, the odds no longer matter," Thor said. "All mages seem to carry that curse friend Bruce spoke of at breakfast."

"May you live in interesting times," Bruce recalled.

"That's the one," Thor agreed. "As like attracts like so too does magic attract rare events."

"He's quick on his feet," Black Widow noted.

"Yeah, but I think our times are interesting enough without getting him involved," Tony said. "Jarvis keep an eye on him and assist his destruction of Hydra in ways he won't catch or can be traced back to you."

"Yes, Sir," the AI agreed.

"I'll have maintenance take care of this," Tony said, waving a hand at the damage. "Who's up for some pizza?"

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander cracked an eye open as someone slid into bed with him. "Morning Nat, is this an official visit?"

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**


	26. Walking in the Shadows - Bird 2

**Walking in Shadows – Bird is the Word 2**

"You'll need to transfigure sand into boat cradles as well as repairing all the boats and don't forget to clean the sand and water," Xander ordered as he spun the wheel, causing the ship to turn in place, showing a clear view of the size of the Boat Graveyard and how much decay and pollution Sirius would have to deal with.

"You don't think I can do it!" Sirius accused Xander. "After everything we've done, you don't think I have enough power to fix all this!"

"In a single spell?!" Xander challenged.

Sirius paused and examined the Graveyard. "Two spells," he argued. "I can combine clean and repair, but mass transfiguration is in a class all its own."

"You're going to fix all this?" Taylor asked hopefully, as Armsmaster put his weapon away, seeing that neither one appeared the least bit hostile.

"Of course," Sirius replied. "Or at least I'm going to try. I'm kinda missing the one thing I need to ensure success though."

"What's that?" she asked intently.

"A wetblanket to tell me I shouldn't be doing it," the Skeletal Mage explained.

Armsmaster mentally nodded to himself that was quite definitely his cue. "Of course you shouldn't do it," he said stiffly, "it is city owned property. Regardless of how much good you'd be doing, there are laws against it."

Sirius froze in place and got a manic gleam in his empty eye sockets. "Shouldn't do it?" he asked mildly.

"Not if you're a law-abiding citizen, no," Armsmaster agreed, forcing himself not to laugh.

"Watch me!" Sirius declared, his wand vanishing up tattered sleeve as he stepped up to the railing and raised his hands. The illusions he'd cast boiled away as he unleashed a tsunami of power onto the ground below.

The four stared in shock, as even Sirius was amazed at what he'd unleashed. Black fire crawled across the ground, rebuilding what had once been, leaving perfection behind, perfection coated in a thin layer of frost.

"No cradles?" Armsmaster questioned.

Sirius waved his hands wildly while chanting something under his breath, something which Armsmaster would later find a match to in a Disney movie called Bedknobs and Broomsticks, causing the ships to wiggle and balance themselves on their keels while the sand rose up around them, changing into braces of wood while bundles of glass chains formed out of the sand, glass chains that showed no signs of train while securing hundreds of tons into place. "Ha!"

 ***THUD***

Xander laughed and took off his eye patch. "That was beautiful!" He tapped the center of the wheel before striding over and picking up the unconscious Sirius in a bridal carry. "Let's get him inside, he'll recover faster with a little alcohol inside him."

The pair of parahumans followed while Armsmaster thought to himself, 'Spells? Does he think his ability is magic? The power-set displayed seems like a grab-bag cape, but far more powerful than the norm.'

"Smelling salts would probably be a better choice," Taylor pointed out.

Xander pushed the door to the Captains' cabin open with his foot and the two followed him in only to stare around themselves in shock.

Xander whistled and a carpet the size of a two car garage flew down to land in front of them. A campfire of blue flames cheerfully burned in the center surrounded by a wide variety of furniture.

"Come on, people," Xander told them striding onto the carpet and dropping Sirius into a Laz-Y-Boy recliner.

The two costumed heroes slowly followed him.

Xander reached into an ice chest and pulled out a beer. He shook it a few times before loudly tapping the top of it, like he was trying to disperse the bubbles inside.

Sirius bolted upright and snatched the can out of his hand before popping it open and showering himself in beer as the can all but exploded in his hand. "You shook it up," he noted, wiping beer off his face before chugging the rest of the can.

"And you stole my can," Xander replied cheerfully, before opening the ice chest and taking out three bottles of butter-beer. "It's non-alcoholic," he assured the parahuman pair.

Taylor looked around the Captain's Cabin, which was scaled for someone twenty times their size. "Okay, I'm willing to tentatively accept magic may exist." She reached up and unlatched the bottom of her mask.

Armsmaster took a tentative sip. "This is pretty good."

 ***POP***

A tiny green creature dressed in rags that stood about three feet high appeared and snapped its fingers, cleaning Sirius up. It gave a put upon sigh before vanishing with a pop.

"Looks like someone shaved a monkey and dyed it green," Taylor said, numb with shock, as she took a sip of her butter-beer.

"House elves," Xander replied, "they feed off of two things, Magic and Drama."

"Great maids and housekeepers though," Sirius added, grabbing another can of beer from the ice chest.

"What are your powers?" Armsmaster asked.

"Reality alteration," Xander replied. "Which in layman's terms is called… magic."

"That is a much more palatable term," Armsmaster admitted, while mentally framing the questions he wanted to ask and figuring out the best way to phrase them.

"So where are you from and what do you do?" Taylor asked.

"We travel from world to world, hopelessly lost, and mostly play tourist," Xander offered.

"You don't come from Earth Bet?" Armsmaster asked, just to make sure.

"We're not from this branch of creation at all," Sirius assured him.

"Have a seat and tell us about your world," Xander suggested. "We looked up a bunch of stuff online, but I'm sure there's tons we missed."

Taylor looked to Armsmaster who gave her a subtle nod before carefully setting his armored weight on a chair, which creaked alarmingly, but held firm after an offhand gesture from Sirius. "Well… I suppose it all started with Scion…"

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Skidmark stared around himself, clear headed for the first time in well over a decade. He was the leader of the Archer's Street Merchants, a gang of junkies who dealt drugs to nearly half the city and now… now he was clean. And not just him either, the entire place and everyone who was in it were clean, inside and out. He ran a tongue across his newly returned teeth and made a decision. "Everyone, wake the fuck up, I got something to say!" he yelled, causing piles of bodies to stir and then stare around themselves in shock as well.

He waited for the group of now ex-junkies to quiet down and give him their attention. After several minutes he quit waiting. "You jackasses, Listen UP!" The crowd turned to stare at him. "I think we've all seen where the hard shit leads and I doubt any of you want to go down that road again."

"Baby, you may want to give everyone a few minutes to adapt, or at least a few joints," Squealer suggested timidly, knowing he didn't like being interrupted, but reading the crowd well enough to see that nothing was getting through their shock.

"Good point, babe," he agreed, making her smile. "Break out the pot, dump the harder stuff in the trash!"

Squealer pulled out a joint and lit up, taking a deep hit and holding it for a handful of seconds while passing the joint to Skidmark. "So what's the plan?" she asked after she'd exhaled.

"Just figured out that the track we were on was heading for a gorge. We need to think sustainable life styles and business practices," he explained. "Before I started in on the rock I had some plans."

"Not sure pot alone is going to be enough to keep up going," she admitted. "I mean in terms of money."

"Most of everyone's money goes for harder shit," Skidmark explained, "but if you remove that from the equation, the way we live is dirt cheap, but that's only part of it. I'm saying we sell more than just pot, we sell pot and alcohol, we open up actual clubs. Fuck man, we can even open a Starbucks looking joint for the yuppies, but stock it with five times the legal limit expresso and hash brownies!"

Squealer smiled. "I can make coffee that's almost rocket fuel, but how are you going to keep the cops out?"

"That shit's easy," Skidmark said with a smirk. "I actually own all our territory. We don't have the straight up manpower to keep out the ABB or Empire, so I bought out this slum a chunk at a time, lowered the rent on the shops and apartments to just what was needed to keep shit together and had snitches call the police anytime those butt nuggets made an appearance."

"You're shittin' me?!" Squealer demanded in shock.

Skidmark smiled, his perfect white teeth almost glowing. "Bitch, I told you when we hooked up I'd take care of you."

"Through thick and thin," she agreed, eyes getting damp.

"The hard shit may have fucked with my head, but I still had some half decent plans in the works," he assured her. "We'll be like one of those hippie fuckin' communes, but with bacon and beer!"

Squealer laughed and stretched. "I could also make some security modules for vehicles, maybe sell them through Toybox."

"A little re-branding, like the PRT does with their own capes, and we'll be golden!" he said.

"Won't it be obvious?" Squealer asked, taking one last drag.

"Of course, but as long as we actually stay the course, they'll leave us alone," he explained. "They don't got the manpower to deal with people who aren't being cunts."

"Hey, Boss," said Steve, who was one of the more level-headed members of the Merchants, trying to get Skidmarks attention.

"Yeah?" Skidmark replied, feeling pretty mellow.

"I just took a peek outside," Steve explained, "and the entire block has been unfucked, not just us."

"Including the junkyard?" Squealer asked, staring at Steve with a laser like intensity.

"I could see the gleam of restored chrome from the door, it was almost blinding," he replied.

Squealer made a noise that cause both men to slap their hands over their ears before she sprinted across the warehouse and out the door.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Steve moaned.

"I ain't gonna see my bitch for a week or more now," Skidmark complained.

"Sorry, Boss," Steve apologized.

"It was bound to happen," Skidmark said, shaking his head. "Let's go get the lay of the land and see how far the unfuckening has spread."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"So you decided to fix the local economy on a whim?" Taylor asked.

"Exactly," Sirius agreed. "We like to leave things better than they were when we arrived, so if we have the power to fix something we figure it's right to do so."

"Much better than the typical reaction to finding one had power," Armsmaster said. "How about some introductions?"

"Great idea, I'm Xander, I have a really cool car that's been enchanted up the wazoo, a magical weapon I like to call Excali-bat and a pretty firm grasp on the use of runes."

"Runes?" Armsmaster asked curiously.

"Certain symbols can be empowered with quantum flux to great effect," Xander explained.

"Just say magic, it's much less painful," Armsmaster requested, wincing under his helm.

Sirius chuckled. "I am Sirius Black, a wizard with an allergy to responsibility. I'm searching for a way back to my reality and what Xander forgot to mention is that he's a Roman demigod."

"I'm a priest of Aphrodite and Eros, hardly a demigod," Xander disagreed.

"Roman gods exist?" Taylor asked doubtfully.

"Beings of power exist on other planes of existence that match the stories here," Xander explained. "They look after and bless those that empower them with psionic energy."

"Gods exist and feed of off belief, but that doesn't mean they ever existed here," Sirius translated.

"And Sirius is extremely powerful, but has little control," Xander added.

"Your turn," Sirius said to the parahumans.

"Very well, I'm Armsmaster, a Tinker with the PRT," he introduced himself.

"He's a hero of great renown, having been active for well over a decade," Taylor added. "People like to comment on his ever present Halberd online."

Armsmaster nodded. "I specialized in pole arms so I could increase my effectiveness in battle. It makes my name more than a little ironic."

"If I was a superhero, I'd have a name that had nothing to do with my power just to confuse the enemy," Xander offered.

"That would be a valid tactic, but once word gets around you're simply left with a name that doesn't fit right," Armsmaster disagreed.

"A name to mislead them, but appears to be connected to my ability," Xander explained. "If I could control Gravity, I'd claim magnetic powers and manipulate metal. When they attacked me with people in ceramic outfits, I'd hit them with ten G's and claim I manipulated the iron in their blood. As long as they think they know what's going on they won't look for another answer."

"Now that could be effective," Armsmaster conceded.

"And what is your name?" Sirius asked Taylor.

"I haven't picked one yet, I just received my powers a couple of months ago. I control insects," she explained.

"You guys require some huge mental thing like discovering you have cancer of the puppy to get powers right?" Xander asked, making everyone stare at him in horror. "What?"

"That is the single most disturbing phrase I have ever heard," Armsmaster said.

"And a very disturbing image," Taylor agreed.

"I think I just got powers from hearing that," Sirius said before turning into Padfoot.

The two parahumans stared in horror.

Xander sighed. "Listen, that was simply the wrongest thing I could think of and he turns into a dog all the time!"

Sirius pretended to try and walk, falling over as if he wasn't used to having four legs. He whined loudly.

"I swear to god, if you don't turn back now, I'm going to torch your porn collection!" Xander threatened.

Sirius quickly turned back to normal. "Not the porn!"

Armsmaster sighed. "I can't believe I fell for that one, especially since I know that a person Triggering knocks out every cape within a full city block."

"Trigger events are nothing to joke about," Taylor said, "a lot of people never fully recover from them."

"Sorry," Sirius apologized.

"I was asking because one of my abilities is to heal others' mental damage," Xander explained, trying to get back on track. "It's part of my job as a cleric of Aphrodite and Eros."

"A master ability?" Armsmaster questioned.

"There's no control or even a knowledge of what's going on," Xander disagreed. "I hug them and their mental problems fade."

"How do you know that's not a response to being hugged?" Taylor asked. "Some people could just simply need a hug."

"Because it's cured phobias and compulsions as well as conditions you'd normally need drugs to treat," Sirius said. "I know spells to cause people mental problems and he cures those in seconds."

"Probably easier because they aren't exactly deeply rooted, your magic being an external cause," Xander guessed.

"Can anyone become a cleric of Aphrodite?" Armsmaster asked curiously, seeing the utility of such an ability.

"Anyone who makes the proper sacrifice and honestly performs the required duties," Xander agreed, feeling a bit excited about spreading the faith.

"I'm listening," Armsmaster said, leaning forward.

Taylor had a brief mental image of a fleeing Lung being chased by an Armsmaster with arms outstretched to hug him, shouting, "Let me love you!" She quickly buried that thought and listened in on the discussion.

 **Typing by – Sitheus Maximus**


	27. Loop: Time for the Kick Off!

**Loop: Time for the kick off!**

Xander was bored, as bored as only someone trapped in a time-loop could be. It wasn't nearly as bad as Ranma's eighteen month loop, being just over seven years in length, but after a couple of decades even the apocalypse could be boring.

"You okay, Bro?" Jessie asked, glancing away from the screen where Mario jumped on yet another turtle.

Xander sighed. "Just bored. It'll be weeks before Buffy burns down her gym and she only gets here a couple of months after that. In the meantime the Hellmouth is at low ebb and there's nothing going on."

"Hellmouth?" Jessie asked, letting Mario meet his end via winged turtle.

"Who's Buffy?" Willow asked, before he could answer.

Xander looked over at Willow and found himself smiling at how innocent she was. He tossed Jessie the controller and scooped her into his lap. She squealed in surprise, but made no attempt to escape.

"You two need a few minutes?" Jessie teased, knowing that Willow would blush and Xander would miss both the innuendo and why Willow would react the way she did to it.

"I'd need at least an hour and some baby oil," Xander disagreed. "Better make that two hours… Actually, to be totally truthful, I believe we'd need at least an entire weekend."

Jessie was stunned speechless and Willow was every bit as red as her hair, staring up at Xander wide eyed.

"Yes, I love you. I just don't think we're very compatible and losing you as a friend would literally kill me," Xander told her, recalling a loop when he had tried dating her after Oz had left to find himself.

Willow took a couple of deep breaths and forced her heart rate down. "What about friends with benefits?" she squeaked out, causing Jessie's jaw to drop. "We don't try and be boyfriend-girlfriend, but get the benefits while still being single." She swore mentally that she wasn't giving up THAT easily!

Xander tilted his head and considered the idea. The Fluke showed that Willow actually put up with him dating Cordy when she was getting some Xander on the side. "As you wish," Xander said, leaning down to kiss Willow to show he meant it.

"You guys aren't going to suddenly cut me out of everything and get all couple-y, are you?" Jessie asked nervously when they came up for air.

"We won't," Xander promised. "Except for cuddling like this we can restrict the rest to when we're behind closed doors at night. You aren't going to become a third wheel, promise."

Willow snapped out of her daze. "We'd never treat you that way!" She slipped off of Xander's lap and made a show of sitting a foot away from him. "See?"

Xander laughed.

"Okay, that does seem like a silly worry," Jessie admitted. "No, 'as you wish' for me?" he teased Xander good naturedly.

Xander opened his mouth to retort when a thought hit him. He glanced around to make sure they were alone before he asked, "Pretend I'm a genie that can grant you a single wish and not a monkey's paw variety either… What do you want?"

"I want…" Jessie started but stopped to think about it. "I want Cordelia, but that's not what you mean. This is like 'anywhere but here', so I want… to be a superhero. No! I want US to be superheroes!"

Xander grinned, boredom forgotten. "Best friends with benefits and superheroes." He nodded. "One is a lot easier that the other, but I believe I can do both. We'll have to hit LA for all the heroics, because that kinda thing can get people close to you killed."

"I actually meant Superhero like Superman not Batman on a budget," Jessie joked.

"I got you," Xander promised. "Now, Superman is a bit out there, but I can empower two people to somewhere near Aquaman levels, however that doesn't help the weak and squishy relatives, so if we do this you can't share your secret identities with anyone and no showing off… beyond a certain reasonable extent."

"I'd almost believe you were being serious," Jessie said shaking his head.

"He is," Willow said, sounding surprised, "and he never answered who Buffy was or what a Hellmouth is."

"You haven't slipped a gear, have you?" Jessie asked concerned.

Xander grinned. "Grab a couple of candles and I'll show you a neat trick."

"If you wanted to do a trick you should have brought your own candles," Jessie replied.

"Then you would have accused me of using trick candles," Xander pointed out.

"Fine, I'll hunt up some candles," Jessie conceded. "But just so we're clear, this little trick is supposed to be so amazing we believe you have superpowers, right?"

"It's the easiest and least destructive one I got," Xander agreed. "And we should do this out back so we don't get wax everywhere anyway."

It only took a couple of minutes for Jessie to round up a handful of candles and set them up on the picnic table in his backyard. "Okay, what's the trick?" Jessie asked.

Xander looked at the row of the candles, a large red passion fruit scented candle sat on one end followed by three birthday candles and a pair of tea lights. "Pick a candle," Xander said.

"The middle one," Jessie decided.

Xander made a pistol with his right hand and pointed it up. "Watch carefully." He brought his hand down and said, "Bang!" as it became level with the candle causing the candle to ignite.

Jessie and Willow looked from the candle to Xander and back again trying to figure out how he'd lit it from over a foot away.

"How did you do that?" Jessie asked curiously.

"Magic and I don't mean sleight of hand," Xander answered. "It's an actual force that can be manipulated, which follows its own rules."

"Did you guys set this up in advance?" Willow asked. "I mean you've both gotten together to pull pranks on me before and that's a lot more likely than magic existing."

"Faultless logic," Xander told her with a smile, "but sadly, I'm going to have to say magic is real."

"What? Why sadly?" Jessie asked.

"Because magic is just the tip of the iceberg for what exists and a lot of it isn't pretty and almost none of it is safe," Xander replied, shaking his head. "Willow, pick a candle."

Willow picked up the tea light on the end and examined it before putting it back down. "This one!"

Xander snapped the fingers on his left hand and it lit.

"What else can you do?" Jessie asked, still half sure it was a trick.

"I can put them out," Xander said, both candles snuffing themselves as he said 'out'. "I can also levitate them, but that's messy."

"How is it messy?" Willow asked.

"Because I have an almost uncontrollable talent for fire that leaks into any magic I do and I have very little magical ability otherwise," Xander explained. "Anything I levitate is going to heat up rapidly, so when I levitate a candle it quickly melts and goes everywhere."

Jessie picked up the large red scented candle and set it on the grass several feet away. "Can you do it at a distance or do you have to be right next to it?"

"It's pretty much line of sight," Xander said. "Never tried to see how far I could do it, but a dozen feet is no problem."

"Have at it, bro," Jessie said, waving towards the candle.

"Okay, give me a second, this I have to concentrate for," Xander said. He closed his eyes, took two deep breaths and opened them. Extending his right hand he made a motion like he was scooping water with his hand. The candle slowly rose, wobbling in the air until it reached nearly two feet off the ground… where it decided to turn from a solid into a liquid and cascaded to the ground, leaving the wick hanging in the air unsupported as it burnt to ash and drifted away on the wind.

"Okay, that was straight up magic," Jessie said in shock. "I can't deny that one."

"How long have you known about this and why haven't you said anything before?" Willow asked. "Is it a family secret?" she added before he could answer.

"The answer to that is complicated," Xander said. "The most accurate answer is… about two days, but also a number of years. Like I said magic has its own rules, but I never claimed to understand them."

"You can really give me Aquaman's powers?" Jessie asked in shock.

"No, I can get you something close," Xander said. "It'll all be strength and toughness, none of the rest of it."

"You do know he can bench a car, right?" Jessie asked.

"Yep," Xander replied. "You'll be able to bench compact cars at most, but you'll also be a lot tougher, as in ignore bullets tougher."

Jessie stared into space. "I'm going to be a superhero…" he said in wonder.

"We are," Xander agreed cheerfully.

"How do we do this?" Jessie asked eagerly.

"I have to retrieve a pair of magic marbles," Xander replied. "Each marble magnifies your strength and toughness by a large degree, but only for baseline plain-jane humans."

"I don't have all that much to magnify," Jessie said disappointed.

Xander nodded. "Which is why, until you work out a bunch, the most you'll be able to do is bench a compact car."

"And if I work out a bunch?" Jessie asked happily.

"Full sized sedans, easy," Xander promised.

"Fragile and easily lost tokens?" Jessie asked with a smirk.

"Fragile to each other, indestructible otherwise and if you do something stupid like put them on a headband where anyone can see them…" Xander said, shaking his head at the end.

"How about I get a steel cup and put them in that?" Jessie suggested.

"Can you fight crime while holding a cup?" Willow asked. "I mean, yeah, you can, but it'd probably make it a lot harder."

"Wrong kind of cup," Jessie said cheerfully. "I mean like the kind of cup you wear in sports."

"That would work," Willow said with a nod. "The only place safer would be inside you."

"I'm not about to use my magical McGuffin as a suppository, no matter how much safer it's be," Jessie said.

"The buttplug of justice!" Xander announced grandly, causing all three of them to burst out laughing.

"It's getting kind of late," Willow said. "We should be getting home."

"It's only five o'clock," Jessie argued.

"Exactly," Willow agreed. "Xander's parents don't get home till seven and we have school tomorrow."

"Oh," Jessie said. "The old 'help with homework' excuse."

"Yep," Willow agreed. "Plus, I actually do have to help him with his homework and that's going to take at least an hour."

"Good point," Jessie agreed. "Come to think of it, I have to do my own as well. Have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"I suppose we could lure Cordelia over," Xander told Willow, imitating Brain from Pinky and the Brain.

"But where would we get a cheese wheel of sufficient size?" Willow asked, playing along.

The pair kept straight faces for almost two seconds before bursting out laughing at the expression on Jessie's face.

"But seriously, after all the poop I've had to deal with from her, I really hate her," Willow said.

"Thus the club," Xander agreed, "but as a hero you'll be expected to rise above that."

"I have to quit hating her for all the stuff she's done?" Willow asked with a pout.

"Yep," Xander agreed, forcing himself not to give in. "You can't hate her for who she was, you have to hate her for who she is now."

"I can do that," Willow said cheerfully.

"That does mean that if she becomes a good person you have to stop hating her," Xander warned.

"I don't think the odds are likely, but fine. In the unlikely event that Cordelia Chase becomes a good person, I'll stop hating her," Willow promised.

"Excellent!" Jessie said, happy that his best female friend would get along with his future girlfriend.

"Good doesn't mean nice and I didn't say you had to like her, just not hate her," Xander allowed, just to be fair.

"Still kinda good," Jessie decided.

"Excellent," Willow said cheerfully.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander split a pair of small grey spheres and dropped one each into Jessie and Willow's hands. "As long as they are carried on your person you have the strength of a dozen you's… or something like that."

"Definitely not going up my ass," Jessie said, making Xander snicker.

"It's not that big," Willow said rolling her eyes. Jessie looked at her and raised an eyebrow, making her blush. "I'm not planning on putting it there either!"

"Put it in your pocket for now and give it a try," Xander said as he chuckled and waved to one of the rusted-out wrecks in his uncle's wrecking yard.

Jessie placed his palm against the side of an old, florist delivery van and pushed, the metal crumpling around his fingers. "Holy Shit!"

Willow grabbed the back bumper and pulled, ripping it loose with the sound of tearing metal echoing loudly around them.

"I feel really happy and like freaking out," Jessie said. "Which should I handle first?"

"Dibs on going evil and beating up bullies at Sunnydale High," Willow said, hefting the bumper like it was made of balsa wood.

Xander chuckled. "No going evil. I have costumes for the three of us. Wanna see?"

"I was planning on being Hercules," Jessie admitted, flexing his almost non-existent muscles.

Xander shook his head. "That name is already taken and even with both the balls he'd kick your ass, besides the last thing you need is his old enemies coming after you, which they would."

Willow bent the bumper with her hands, making a loop. "You act like Hercules was real."

"Is real," Xander said firmly. "The old gods exist. Think of them as above us and below the creator, in terms of power and wisdom in their demesne, but outside their specialty they can be every bit as foolish as we are and with a lot more power."

"If I couldn't bend steel with my bare hands, I'd think you were crazy," Jessie said.

"Magic is real, the old gods are real and still hanging around, God exists," Willow listed off. "How many bombs are you going to drop on us?"

"Everything except Leprechauns exist," Xander replied. "There, one big bomb that covers everything."

"Everything?" Willow asked.

"Pretty much," Xander replied. "Demons and vampires are a thing, but that fight is kept in the shadows because of the danger of humanity trying to nuke their problems away."

"Should we be going out in public and fighting crime then?" Jessie asked.

"It's about time to kick off another age of heroes," Xander replied, "and someone's got to do it, so why not us?"

"With or without the demons and vampires?" Jessie asked.

"I've got that covered," Xander promised, retrieving a duffel bag from the back seat of a nearby wreck. "I had to ask Janus for a favor, but he thought the idea was hilarious, so he enchanted these for us."

Jessie accepted the bag and he and Willow crowded around it to see what was in it.

"Power Rangers?!" Willow exclaimed, while Jessie just stared.

"Indestructible, gives you basic martial arts skills, and if anyone sees us fighting demons they'll never believe they are actually demons," Xander said with a smirk.

"We're so going to get sued," Willow complained.

"They'd have to identify us first," Xander said with a grin.

"Dibs on green!" Jessie said, dragging the green costume out.

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**

 **AN: Time-loop Fics usually take place either during the First Arc or After Hundreds, but I'm sure loopers got bored during early ones and caused some chaos.**


	28. Unintended Consequences 3

**Unintended Consequences 3**

 **UC 1 - YSEMF-2**

 **UC 2 - YSEMF-8**

Flitwick's eyes twinkled as he replied, "Nothing so formal my dear, but if you should require any pointers, testing, or supervision feel free to stop by my office. I should have you know that I have an hour slot reserved just for such instances an hour before dinner every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I need not make it mandatory, I assume?"

Harry winced, and rubbed the back of his head, "You might need to make mine mandatory, professor. It seems, that yet again, the current holder of the post for the defense class has it out to get me, and a mandatory detention with you might just be enough to keep her from interfering with those nights.

"I suppose," Flitwick frowned.

"Ah hah, I have just the thing," The diminutive professor stood for a moment and retrieved a piece of paper from his desk before waving his wand over it several times and muttering under his breath.

"I've tied this slip into the spells that record detentions, if she tries to assign you detention on one of our nights, it'll record a detention with me assigned several hours before her own attempted detention, and since I've got tenure and seniority my detentions supersede her own," Professor Flitwick explained happily. "This way the detention will only go on record if necessary."

Harry smiled and accepted the flip of paper.  
"I don't think I've ever been so happy to receive a detention slip in my life," Harry said.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Ron narrowed his eyes, and called his next move. He was in the Great Hall, sitting across from a Slytherin; and not just any Slytherin, but the current reigning chess champ of Slytherin house in his year, Tracy Davis.  
The game was nearing the second hour mark, and he'd long since forgotten the planned meeting with Harry and Hermione at the fifth-floor backup potions classroom.

To his left sat Lavender, clinging to his side like an octopus while alternating between glares of annoyance and distaste. Opposite from her, was the ice queen of Slytherin, Daphne Greengrass, sharing a look of equal annoyance and distaste aimed at her own friend and the ongoing chess game.

"We'll never hear the end of this you know," Daphne said softly.

Lavender looked up at Daphne as though she'd forgotten the other girl was there, "What do you mean?"

"Think about it for a moment, Lavender. The two of them will never forget this regardless of who wins and I'm certain this won't be the last match. If they were any more tense, I'd expect them both to upset the game and just start snogging now."

Lavender gave the other girl a look of slowly dawning horror, "You don't mean."

Just then Luna was walking past the group and stopped to listen in.

"Exactly, it's almost like they were made for each other, she could definitely do worse than him. If you weren't so obviously staking a claim, I might have been inclined to make a play myself," Daphne leaned forward conspiratorially.

"It's not that big of a stretch, Ronald has lots of brothers though and might feel a bit overshadowed," Luna interjected, leaning past Lavender to snag an apple from a bowl that for not being there a moment earlier could've been there for the entire time.

Daphne raised an eyebrow, and Lavender turned to face the new arrival.

"What's not a stretch," Lavender said.

"Ronald being a decent enough catch, Lavender. And Luna brings up a good point, for being Gryffindors, the Weasley family is remarkably well positioned to become a powerhouse," Daphne said with a pensive expression. "Sure, he's unmotivated and a bit lazy, but if Hermione proved anything in first year, it was that with the sufficient application of force, Ronald can be more than the lazy boy we knew growing up."

"I noticed Hermione was reading from the _Arte Harmonious_ earlier, and the library should have a copy," Luna said brightly.

"Yeah, in the restricted section," Lavender said.

Daphne had a calculating look, while Lavender now appeared to be unsure of when she'd taken that left turn down the rabbit hole.

"What," Lavender sputtered.

"But, it's an idea," Daphne said after a moment where she appeared to be closely scrutinizing Lavender.

"But, it's been over a century since the last coven was formed, and half of the book is considered restricted magics by the ministry," Lavender said.

"Oh, you naughty girl, you. who said anything about forming a coven. Besides, it's about time for a new one then anyway, wouldn't you say?" Daphne said innocently.

Daphne suddenly turned towards the other girl with a bright expression.

"Luna darling, I know you had your eye on Ronald, are you still interested?" Daphne asked.

"At one time I would have been," Luna said with a sad expression, "but, as the muggles say, that ship has sailed."

Daphne smirked and pulled Lavender aside.

"I'll take it from here. Thanks, Luna," she said.

"But, I didn't," Luna started to say but the other two had already disappeared around the corner, "I didn't mean to imply that, or think she'd take it that far," Luna finished under her breath and skipped off.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Right," Harry said, book in one hand, one-quart bottle of lemon juice in the other. "So, we add the lemon juice when the potion is a lurid pink, stir widdershins—that's anticlockwise, yes? Three times and then add the coconut milk to the lemon and butterbeer. Wait, butterbeer? And I thought it was supposed to be lime in the coconut, not coconut into lemon juice."

"Honestly, Harry, you know about the lime in the coconut, yet somehow you're clueless about butterbeer as a potions base?" Hermione needled.

Behind her, Edmund poked his feathered head out of her expanded satchel with a bottle of butterbeer, that he leaned back and swallowed a few gulps from before setting the bottle down just outside the satchel and diving back in.

"Hey, I'm not clueless, my aunt just really liked lime and coconut," Harry complained back. "Had to spend like three weeks after my sixth birthday getting the proportions just right." Harry massaged his backside in remembered pain.

Hermione gave him a sad look. "Alright fine, we covered this in third year. Butterbeer is, or rather was a common syrup base for potions, but fell out of favor with the Saint Mungo's potions abuse scandal of 1890. Since then most healing potions have been purposely reformulated to taste bad, to prevent addiction."

"The manufacturer of the syrup base would've been out of a job if not for the timely intervention of his nephew who'd returned from the colonies and suggested he rebrand the syrup as a soft-drink."

"So how much lemon juice?" Harry asked.

"It's not specific, it just says to add the lemon as needed," Hermione said, leaning over the dusty tome.

Unseen by the other three in the room at the time, Edmund resurfaced this time with a bottle of emerald green liquid with Hermione's precise script on the label marking it as one of the phials of re'ems blood she'd gathered the previous night. Edmund wrestled with the phial for a moment before the lid popped out. The bird leaned over the phial catching a whiff of the vapors rising off the liquid and stumbled back for a moment.

"You sure this will make enough for four?" Neville asked.

"Yes, I've run the arithmancy calculations and run the ingredients through Markholm's compendium, five times already," Hermione replied. "We've got everything ready for the Draught of Harmony, and just enough time to make it so that we should be ready for the last ingredient when Ron gets here."

"So, remind me again why we're making this potion?" Neville asked.

Harry shrugged and pointed at Hermione.

"It's a strength sharing potion I found in the library, when we add our blood to the potion it should be able to share all our strengths and abilities with all four of us, which should put us all on an even enough footing to help Harry fight this war," Hermione replied.

"Okay, it's lurid pink now, how much of the lemon juice am I adding?" Harry asked.

Hermione looked over at the potion and then back at the book, there was a smudge over the unit of measure but she could just make out that it should be a cupful, "The book says four cups should do for an initial dose but we can make another potion and add more in a month, if it's not enough."

Harry shrugged and measured out the two cups worth which emptied the bottle exactly, and then carefully added the liquid to the cauldron. Neville picked up the glass rod and stirred the potion three times anticlockwise, and the potion shifted from pink to golden.

None of them noticed as the door eased open, or the head of blond hair that poked around the edge of the door.

Edmund the phoenix staggered back to the bottle of re'ems blood, carefully avoiding taking a large breath of the vapor and reached out to grasp it with a taloned foot. The vapors stung his eyes and a tear dropped from them into the liquid, causing it to shift from emerald to clear.

The little bird gave a shrug at the change, as the vapors rising from the phial no longer stung his eyes. Carefully the phoenix carried the phial over to the cauldron and tipped it over letting the fluid drain into it while the others were absorbed in the book. The only one to notice was Luna as she entered the room.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"How could it all have gone so fantastically wrong," Albus Dumbledore was pacing in his office, "what did I miss."

He looked up eyeing the shelf of trinkets monitoring everything from the castle's protections to if there was any, and he smirked at the wording, funny business, going on in the castle.

At the very end, there was a small glass statue of a mother and child. He'd though it particularly poignant at the time. The day after the mess that started this chain of events he'd spotted it in the display window of a boutique in London on the way back from his weekly DND rpg, a pastime he'd discovered that gave him a chance to escape from life for a while.

When he'd first tied it into the protections around harry it had glowed brilliantly, and while the light had considerably dimmed over the years, it was now guttering like a candle in the wind.

Perhaps, he thought, it was time to challenge his thinking on certain matters, better late than never, but first he had to finish the stack of paperwork or Minerva would be most displeased.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Professor McGonagall looked up as the door to her office opened to reveal one of her seventh years carrying a first year that was wrapped around them and crying.

"Mr. Hawking, what is the meaning of this," the Professor demanded an explanation for the crying first year before her.

"Pardon me, Professor," Robert Hawking said, "But, I believe you'll want to see this."

The professor stood and walked around the desk, gently coaxing the first year to unlatch from the older boy. She let out a gasp as she noticed the raised welts of red on the first year's hand clearly spelling out the phrase, 'I will not disrupt class.'

"Mr. Hawking, I appreciate you bringing this to my attention, I'm sure you've had the pleasure of Mr. Creevey's acquaintance? Please ensure that Mr. Creevey makes adequate photographs of this, as well as anyone else; and then ensure they are seen to by Madame Pomphrey. This is unconscionable and I will see to it that such abuse does not continue," McGonagall said as she gathered a few things on her desk ushering the boys from the room.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Now, we just need Ron so we can add our blood to the potion, once it's condensed enough we can split it up and drink it," Hermione said, reviewing her notes one more time.

"What did you need Ronald Weasley for," Luna's soft voice startled the room's three occupants causing them to scramble a bit as ingredients went flying.

"Don't do that!" Harry exclaimed holding his hand to his heart.

"Oh, poo," Luna said, and everyone turned to see the small glass phial of Harry's blood hit the edge of the cauldron and break open spilling its contents into the potion.

Hermione's eyes widened as the contents flashed.

"Oh no," she said.

"Is that Markholm's Harmonious Draught?" Luna asked with wide eyes.

Harry looked at both Neville and Hermione before nodding to Luna.

"Doesn't the potion require four people to work properly," Luna said.

"Yup, we're just waiting on Ron," Harry said.

"He was rather preoccupied with something involving Lavender when I saw them earlier," Luna said.

"Luna dearest, darling," Harry replied. "You're our friend, right Luna?"

"Of course, Harry," Luna replied.

Neville noticed where Harry was going with this line of questioning and leaned in.

"We—we spent all this time, and—and several remarkably rare ingredients on this potion, and—and it'd be a," he faltered.

"An absolute shame," Hermione supplied.

"Yes, thank you. A complete shame, to let it all go to waste in the last ten minutes of brewing, all because one person was too caught up in with their own thing to notice the time they'd agreed to meet us," Neville said.

"You really mean it?" Luna said softly.

"Of course, we mean it. You're our friend, Luna. And we care about you," Harry said.

Luna smiled and held out a hand to allow her blood to be measured into one of the phials like the rest and added to the potion.

When it was done she gave the three of them a hug each. Hermione was last, and she whispered something in her ear that made the other girl bright red.

After a few minutes of condensing, Hermione poured the potion into the four cups waiting for the potion to complete.

"Bottom's up," Harry muttered slamming it back, his eyes smarting at the tartness of the lemon juice. The other three copied his actions.

Luna glanced at Harry and Neville from beneath heavily lidded eyes, "That's a lot of lemon juice, way more than the capful mom and dad used."

Hermione blanched, running back to the book and quickly reading through the passage, "Oh, oh my," she muttered and then fainted.

 **Fragment typed and written by:** **Stephenopolos**


	29. Scrap Value 2

**Scrap Value 2**

"And how did you know I wasn't one of the others?" Black Widow asked curiously, snuggling up to him, as it allowed her to manipulate him more effectively or kill him if needed.

"None of them move as smoothly as you do, which considering three of them are shape shifters and the last is an android badly in need of repairs, should come as no surprise, but the real kicker is that you feel completely different to my senses," Xander replied honestly, pulling her on top of himself as he rolled onto his back.

"Enhanced senses?" she asked curiously, while feeling him up, incidentally searching him for hidden weapons at the same time.

"Physically enhanced, spiritually enhanced, and mystically attuned," he agreed thinking about everything he'd been through and trying not the get lost in what she'd started doing.

"Most people put up at least token resistance," she pointed out with a smirk.

"I'm not trying to hide anything and you'd get it out of me anyway," Xander replied, his hands sliding down her back.

"It's been so long since I've had someone that was willing to be…" She ground herself against him. "Pumped… for information, I hope I haven't forgotten what to do."

Xander groaned. "You pretty much just ask your question, tease me mercilessly, and then once your questions are answered, Hawkeye beeps your comm and you make your excuses and go, leaving me to take a cold shower," he explained, taking the opportunity to grope her.

"I think most men just masturbate rather than take a cold shower," she teased, not at all surprised that he knew what she'd planned.

Xander rolled onto his side so she was forced to throw a leg over him to keep up the pressure. "I never said I wasn't going to, it's just easier to clean up if I'm in the shower to start with."

"Then why a cold shower?" she asked, genuinely curious.

Xander leaned forward to whisper in her ear, "I like a challenge."

 ***SNORT***

Natasha looked mortified. "You made me break character!" she accused.

Xander grinned. "Even my closest friends describe me as an unrepentant man-child with an unfortunate and wildly inappropriate sense of humor."

Black Widow pouted. "I put up with Stark," she reminded him.

"He's rich and classy with loads of etiquette training, I am none of those things," Xander replied. "This persona isn't nearly as polished. I guess the 'broken shell' gambit isn't as useful?"

Black Widow's face lost all animation and her hold on him subtly shifted. "You are entirely too adept at seeing through my masks."

Xander shrugged and pulled her against him, relaxing into her not-quite-a-submission-hold. "I'm good at that, probably comes with the senses, but I'll still answer your questions all the same."

"The likelihood of getting honest answers is higher when people are emotionally maneuvered into wanting to answer," she said, sounding like a student reciting multiplication tables.

"Keeping Fury off my ass is motivation enough," Xander assured her. "You ask, I'll answer. Anything I'm not bound from answering, of course."

"Bound?" she said before nodding. "Magic."

"I have a number of secrets bound into my soul for safety's sake and there are some beings I won't name to avoid catching their attention," Xander replied. "But I'm willing to bet none of that is actually information you're looking for, much like the three Black Widow fan girls search for data Tony didn't care about."

"That is possible," Black Widow conceded. "How and why did you arrive the way you did and how do you know so much?" Her thumb rested on an artery as she monitored his pulse.

"A demonic entity tied to destroy a pillar of creation, almost succeeding. It required a sacrifice to stop and I volunteered before anyone could stop me," Xander explained. "A willing sacrifice always screws things up, so I got tossed out of my branch of creation and into this one. I know tons about this branch or grouping of realities, much of which is going to be wrong in whole or part, but should be enough to help me find a way to a more… comfortable reality, providing my friends don't find me first."

"You don't believe you can find your way home?" she asked, noting his tone.

"Ever heard the phrase 'you can't cross the same river twice'?" Xander asked.

"A parable about change," she agreed.

"Time is the greatest river of them all," Xander told her. "Once you've dipped your toe in, you'll probably never find your way home. If my friends do find me before I find my way to another reality, it'll almost certainly be a version of my friends from a few nano-seconds to the side, meaning it's not really them but I'll never know the difference anyway."

"That's… a very strange problem with no actual resolution possible," she decided. "And what's 'uncomfortable' about our reality?"

"It is what it is," Xander replied, "and this reality… There is a physical representation of it somewhere on Earth, which is why so much happens here, and it is literally being held together with duct tape, plus there are half a dozen time travelers continually screwing with things." Xander shook his head. "I'm going to jump dimensions as soon as possible."

"Duct tape?" she deadpanned.

"Reality is always crazier than you think it is," Xander told her, looking her dead in the eye.

"I can tell you believe that," she conceded, noting his pulse and pupil dilation, "but that doesn't mean it's true."

"What I know about this reality may be wrong in the small details, but the broad strokes should be fine," Xander argued.

"Time travelers?" she asked doubtfully.

"Reed Richards great-great-grandson or great-great-grandfather, possible the same person, can be found meddling in ancient Egypt for some reason and a couple of hundred years from now someone, who shall remain nameless so he doesn't find me in your files, will jump back in time to influence his own creation by fucking with the Avengers," Xander replied. "I'm not even going to go into the shit show that is the Grey and Summers time traveling children set up as they end up coming from alternate timelines half the time instead of further in this one."

"I am going to have to mark you down as an unreliable source for intel," Black Widow decided.

"That… actually hurts my feelings," Xander admitted, sounding a bit surprised.

Black Widow wiggled against him. "I can tell," she noted. "It's not necessarily a statement about your reliability, so much as one about your information on our world."

"Fine," Xander said with a heavy sigh. "Just don't report anything about me to Shield, because as far as I know Shield has been heavily infiltrated by Hydra, having started moving agents in place during its formation."

"That's up to Fury," Black Widow replied, slipping out of Xander's bed, pulling on her Natasha personality like a well-worn coat.

"As long as it hits him first and not any compromised systems," Xander suggested.

"As you've brought up potential infiltrators I'd have to do that anyway," she agreed.

Xander got out of bed. "Well, I'm off to shower, have a nice night."

"Thanks," Natasha said, turning and slipping out as he opened the bathroom door.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"How's the repair work coming?" Xander asked.

"The materials and tools are sufficient for getting everyone up and running," Stark-Bot reported. "Clint, Natasha and I are fully repaired. I should have Bruce functioning normally within the next four hours. Steve is going to take some reworking as he's requested some modification and Thor requires a couple of pieces we can't fabricate, but remains mostly functional."

"Good to hear," Xander said, before leaving the garage and crossing the warehouse to the office and admin area that had been converted into living quarters.

The first shift break-room had been converted into an entertainment room where he found the three injured Skrulls relaxing while the fully repaired android Black Widow demonstrated her martial arts skills and the Barton-Bot passed out joints and fetched them food and drink.

"Why is she naked?" Xander asked, taking a seat on the couch next to the Blonde Widow.

"Your race looks pretty good naked," she replied, passing a joint to Xander. "Plus, it makes it a lot easier to memorize her moves."

Xander took a drag and passed the joint back, waiting several seconds before blowing out the smoke. "I'll give you that, but I think it'd be too distracting to actually learn any moves this way."

"Not in just one go," the Black-haired Skrull agreed, "but a couple of sessions a day for the next nine days while we heal up…"

"You do have a point there," Xander agreed distractedly. "Did you really need to do the splits and that whole walk-over move there?" he asked.

"Part of the Widow's skills lie in how distracting she can be," the Widow-Bot replied, sounding exactly like Natasha would. "You'll notice it took you several seconds to even ask the question after I had completed the move, that's a lifetime in battle."

Xander blinked and nodded. "You make a very compelling argument," he admitted. He turned to the three Skrulls. "Any word from on high?"

"No, but a report was sent via burst transmission and we don't expect to get any response back for at least two weeks," Green Widow replied, completely distracted, as the Widow-Bot did a spin kick that made everyone look at her chest, completely ignoring her foot.

"We are going to have to see that one again," Blonde Widows said.

"Yeah," Xander agreed.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Stark stared at the screen completely focused on what he was seeing.

"Sir, is everything alright?" Jarvis questioned. "Normally I wouldn't ask, however I've registered a medical anomaly."

"Is it life threatening?" Stark asked absently, eyes remaining glued to the screen.

"No Sir, I do not believe so," Jarvis replied.

"Then continue monitoring the situation and I'll take care of it once I've finished reviewing the footage you've collected," he ordered.

The AI searched its files for the right response, gave a long-suffering sigh and ordered a container of Visine sent to the lab for when Stark finished watching the android Black Widow's surveillance footage.

 _ **A day later…**_

"Are you sure you're an unaltered human?" Steve-Bot asked.

"Oh no, I've been altered," Xander assured him, "just not quite in the way you're thinking. Most of the things I've been affected by are incidental and left few long-term effects."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Bruce-Bot said. "I've been observing your spar and Steve has had to increase his strength to keep up with you."

"Really?" Xander asked, surprised. "I thought he was just taking it easy on me."

"I am," 'Steve' replied, "but that just means matching strength and speed, while limiting my skill level to just above your own."

"And since you were taking Steve's place, they would have made sure you were extremely skilled," Xander realized.

"It's why he doesn't make small talk," 'Bruce' explained. "The majority of his knowledge is fighting skills, but fortunately the 'real' Steve Rogers is just as bad at small talk, though his reason is because he's a man out of time."

Xander nodded. "Makes sense. It makes me question the competency of whoever programmed you guys, but it makes sense."

"Our programmer is blameless," 'Steve' said firmly.

'Bruce' nodded. "He was implementing design requirements from a committee."

"Say no more," Xander said, "I too have experienced the cluster-fuck that is a committee."

"Less talk, more fighting!" one of the watchers heckled.

Xander rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. "I don't mind you guys watching, but no interrupting while we're actually discussing important matters."

"Sorry!" the Widows chorused cheerfully.

"I still don't understand why you insist on training naked in a mud pit," 'Bruce' said.

"Multiple reasons," Xander replied. "Being naked increases the feeling of vulnerability, motivating you to learn faster and if you can do a move on mud, you can do it on almost any surface."

"Both very good reasons," 'Tony' agreed, joining the four Widows.

"Shouldn't you be working on 'Thor'?" 'Bruce' asked.

"I still don't have the parts I need to repair him," 'Tony' replied. "I have tapped into the Hydra supply network, but since I'm hiding where everything I've requested is being sent, it's going to take a couple of days before I get them."

"You're running of the memory engrams from Stark, not the simulators," 'Bruce' noted with some surprise.

"He needed the additional processing power," Xander replied, "so I authorized it. The engrams are clearly superior to any AI simulator, so I don't know why they aren't used more often."

"The technology is still being developed and there have been several issues. You need access to the person to make engrams, for instance, which is why 'Thor's' engram is a copy of Barton's," 'Bruce' explained. "Plus there have been some problems with them. For example, Banner's engram had to be redone several times due to errors and Rogers' engram can't be run directly because every time he's forced to say 'Hail, Hydra!' he self-destructs."

"The engrams are practically a blueprint of a person's soul," 'Tony' explained. "Steve Rogers would rather die than join Hydra, so it creates a feedback loop its CPU can't resolve causing it to overheat and explode."

"Barton and Natasha's engrams work fine because they are trained intelligence agents, so their sense of self has been ground down to elevate the group they belong to in terms of importance," Xander guessed.

"That would make sense," 'Bruce' agreed.

"And 'Stark's' engram should remain stable because I'm not likely to order him to do anything that actually goes against his morals," Xander decided.

"Which I am grateful for," Stark-Bot said cheerfully. "As much fun as watching the lab footage of Steve's head repeatedly exploding is, it's just not for me."

"I wouldn't think watching naked men mud wrestling would be for you either," Banner-Bot said.

"It isn't," 'Tony' cheerfully agreed. "In fact, if ordered to, my head probably would explode. However, thanks to that little gamma healing trick, the girls are well enough to spar themselves and have promised to do so in the same conditions that Xander and 'Steve' do, thus I have no problem watching."

"I did say I had multiple reasons," Xander said with a grin.

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**


	30. Cracking the Shell

"Payment in advance please," Lucy said, holding out a tin can.

Charlie Brown dug into his pocket and pulled out a nickel, brushing the lint off it before dropping it in the can where it clinked against the handful of coins inside.

Lucy set the can under her wooden stand and leaned on the counter. "So, what will it be today? I mean, we've got a lot to work with here. Shall we delve into the sea of self defeating behaviors you exhibit or would you prefer just to straight up face your inadequacies head on?"

"Actually I was hoping you had time for some dream analysis," the round headed kid replied.

"A little Freudian therapy?" Lucy said with a bright smile. "I believe I can handle that."

"Good," Charlie Brown said, perking up. "Last night I dreamed I was on a pirate ship with bright red sails, trying to save that girl I like."

"The one with the red hair?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah," Charlie Brown agreed, "but the sails are a different color of red, like blood."

"You're the hero, right?" Lucy asked.

"Yes, or at least I think so," he replied thoughtfully. "I board the ship but I never see 'her', I just see two... pirates and I can't bring myself to raise a hand against them and then I wake up."

"And how are you dressed?" Lucy asked.

"Dressed? I was... I wasn't wearing anything," he realized. "I mean, I had a black tricorn hat and a sword, but that's... that's all I think."

"And the two pirates?" she asked, pretending not to notice his blush.

"They were dressed!" he quickly exclaimed. "Erm, I mean, they were dressed in typical pirate garb with the poofy shirts and all."

"And did they have swords?" Lucy asked.

"No, Charlie Brown replied, surprised, "They had sheathes for them, but no swords."

"I see," Lucy replied with a smirk.

"What?" he asked.

"They were female pirates, right?"

"Yeah," he said slowly, nodding. "They were girls, I could tell because the poofy shirts kinda... stuck out."

"Any other details about them that you recall?" she asked.

"They were... taller, older than they are now," he replied absently as he pictured the scene.

"So they are girls you know," Lucy said with a nod as if he was just confirming something she already knew.

"Yeah, I think I do," he admitted slowly. "It was older versions of Patty and Marcie."

"Not surprising," Lucy said. "And just to be sure, though I already know the answer, there wasn't a single trace of that red head you claim to like?"

"Not a one," he replied easily, "and I do like her."

"I've told you before, you like the idea of her and the fact that you consider her out of your league, but you don't actually like her," Lucy explained. "It means you don't have to deal with your attraction to girls and risk getting hurt."

"But I do like her!" Charlie Brown argued.

"Quick question," Lucy said,"you desperately need to win a contest that's a combination of physical tasks and mental puzzles, what girls do you want on your team?"

"Patty and Marcie," Charlie Brown snapped out.

Lucy grinned. "No red-haired girl?"

"I... I..." he fell silent.

"I didn't say you could only have two team mates," Lucy told him.

"I do like her," Charlie Brown said stubbornly.

"I'll leave that alone for now," Lucy told him, "but I will say you can like more than one person and you clearly admire both Patty and Marcie."

"They're both great people," Charlie agreed.

"And what's Patty's most attractive feature?" Lucy asked out of the blue.

"Her smile," Charlie Brown replied instantly.

"And what makes it such a great smile?" Lucy asked.

"Confidence," Charlie Brown replied.

"Some would call it arrogance," Lucy pointed out.

"No," he said firmly, a slight frown on his face, "It's not just confidence in herself, it's also confidence in those around her. She smiles because she believes not just in herself, but everyone around her as well."

"That would make for one heck of a smile," Lucy agreed, grinning. "So who has a more attractive smile, her or the red head?"

Charlie Brown sat there silently for a minute before quietly saying, "She does."

"And what is Marcie's most attractive feature?" Lucy asked.

"I'm not sure," Charlie Brown replied, visibly relieved to be talking about something else.

"Not something you can put in words or there are several things in your mind that you can't choose between?" Lucy asked.

"Can I say both?" Charlie Brown asked. "I mean, we all know she has a number of good points, but I don't know if those are what I find atrac-" his mouth snapped shut and he turned red.

"That's about enough for today," Lucy decided. "We are making good progress and I don't want to risk that by pushing too hard."

"Alright," Charlie Brown agreed with a relieved sigh. "So... what does it all mean?"

"You associate blood with growth and pain," Lucy explained, "and you think Peppermint Patty and Marcie are great people."

Charlie Brown smiled. "That does sound like it fits. Man, you were really on the ball back there."

Lucy nodded. "I wasn't half as knowledgeable about psychology until I got this stand."

"How'd you build it, anyway?" Charlie Brown asked.

"I didn't," Lucy replied. "My first customer was a crazy boy with a stuffed tiger who built it for me."

"Crazy?" Charlie Brown asked.

"He kept talking about Grandfather Paradoxes and muttered about me being an analogue of his mom," Lucy explained. "Crazy doesn't begin to describe it. His problem was pretty straightforward thankfully, he just had girl problems."

"Glad I don't have any of those," the little round headed kid said cheerfully as he stood up. "See you later."

"Yeah, lucky you," Lucy replied, amused, waving as he departed.

The bushes next to the stand rustled and Marcie and Patty crawled out, each carrying a glass jar with a few insects inside.

"We were collecting bugs for a school project," Peppermint Patty said quickly.

"Though we did overhear everything," Marcie added bluntly.

Peppermint Patty groaned and slapped her hand over her eyes. "We were trying to avoid admitting that," she said.

"Does he often talk about us?" Marcie asked hopefully.

"Sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality," Lucy said, waggling a finger at them.

"You aren't going to mention we were here to him, are you?" Patty asked worriedly.

"Well..." Lucy began, when Marcie placed a dime on the counter.

"One joint session, please," she requested.

"Joint session?" Lucy asked, surprised. "Sure, I can handle that."

"Good," Marcie said. "We'd like to talk about things we may have overheard."

"I won't break confidentiality," Lucy said firmly.

"That's fine," Marcie quickly said, "I just want to discuss our feelings on things we may have overheard."

"Keeping me from spilling the beans," Lucy realized.

"That is a useful side effect," Marcie agreed.

"Say what?" Peppermint Patty asked.

"If you guys talk about how you feel about what Charlie Brown said, then I won't be able to mention it to him because of doctor-patient confidentiality," Lucy explained.

"I really liked what he said about me," Patty said quickly, "but I was a bit disappointed not to hear more about what he liked about Marcie. Is it weird that I want him to like her as well?"

"Thank you, sir," Marcie said, a smile lighting up her face.

"Not really," Lucy replied. "We aren't talking about marriage after all."

"Charles is a lot more perceptive than people often give him credit for," Marcie said. "May I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Lucy replied, "fire away."

"Why do you pull the football away before he can kick it?" she asked curiously, reaching up to adjust her glasses.

"I have a number of reasons," Lucy replied, "I find it comforting that he never gives up, it pushes him to try harder each time, and it's a joke that requires me to come up with a new excuse each time that I believe we both find funny."

"You aren't upset that he didn't name you one of the girls on his team, are you?" Patty asked.

"He's practically my brother," Lucy said, "I'd be disturbed if he found me attractive. He should think I'm pretty, but not be attracted to me."

"How can we get Charlie Brown out on dates?" Marcie asked, causing the two to stare at her.

"We're a little young for dating," Lucy said, "but getting him to do stuff with you is as simple as asking him. He's pretty easy going."

"I don't think he's ever said no to me," Peppermint Patty realized, "I mean, not and meant it."

"Regardless, I would suggest not rushing things," Lucy said, "everything seems to be developing at the proper pace, just accept things as they are for now."

"What do you spend all the money you make running this booth on?" Marcie asked.

"Replacement Beethoven busts," Lucy replied, "but we're getting off topic, this is supposed to be about you two, not me."

"I occasionally worry about being unfeminine, but my grandma tells me not to worry about it and then tells me stories about when Mom was my age and the things she did, which embarrasses my Mom, but Dad finds them amusing and my Mom is girly as all get out these days," Patty offered.

"I admire Patty and try to be more like her without changing what makes me, me," Marcie said. "It's a work in progress, but then, so am I."

"Wow, that's pretty profound," Lucy admitted, impressed.

"Now that's an outlook I can get behind," Patty said cheerfully, making Marcie blush.

"Thank you, sir," Marcie said.

Patty's pocket beeped and she pulled out a pocket watch. "Gotta go, I have soccer practice. See you guys later!"

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" Lucy asked, once Peppermint Patty had left.

"Not at present," Marcie said, "though I will take a rain-check for future events."

"Then I suppose that ends our session for today, remember, my office is always open," Lucy said.

"I will, thank you," Marcie said.

Linus stopped in front of his sister's stand, looked at the sign and then back to her. "Physician, heal thyself!"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Charlie Brown set the dog bowl down.

Snoopy raised an eyebrow and gave the bowl a disdainful look.

Charlie Brown looked at the bowl and then back at Snoopy a couple of times before remembering. "Sorry, boy," he apologized before taking a sprig of parsley out of his pocket and placing it on the side of the bowl before taking out a salt shaker and carefully shaking it twice over the food.

Snoopy made a happy noise and dove face first into his supper.

Charlie Brown smiled, happy his strange and often finicky dog had found it acceptable.

"Hey, you're Charlie Brown, aren't you?"

"Y-yeah, that's me," he stuttered out, seeing the red-haired girl of his dreams standing right there!

"We go to school together," she said.

Charlie Brown found himself standing there holding a ticket to a play she was in as she departed a minute later, with no memory of what she'd said when she'd introduced herself.

"Afternoon Charles," Marcie said, startling him. "I hate to interrupt whatever it is you're thinking so hard about, but I was wondering if you'd like to come with me and watch Peppermint Patty practice. I feel she could use a little encouragement."

"That sounds like a great idea," Charlie Brown said, a bright smile on his face. "Let's go!"

Snoopy finished off his food and looked around for the big-headed kid who fed him, to give him his compliments on a great meal, but he was nowhere to be found.

What he did find was a free ticket to a play. Snoopy did a little dance before rushing off to see if he had anything appropriate to wear for tonight's performance.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **AN: No, I have no idea why I wrote this.**

 **TN: LOL Calvin and Hobbes? I could totally see them crossing over into the Charlie Brown-verse like that! Also I love how sneaky Marcie was there with paying for a joint session. XD**


	31. Walking in the Shadows – Different 2

**Walking In The Shadows – A Different Path 2**

"Sirius Black?" Harry asked, his tone filled with doubt as he saw the group waiting for him in the girls' bathroom.

"Not the inferior version you know," Sirius assured him. "I'm the Superior Padfoot version," Sirius said, turning into Padfoot and back. This Harry was much more reserved than the one Sirius knew, but he also looked better fed and cared for.

"We're from an alternate reality where Peter was the traitor," Xander explained, not wanting to go through the hundreds of misleading comments that Sirius was sure to have thought up just for this occasion.

"That would explain why Professor Snape isn't cursing him to within an inch of his life," Harry agreed as he handed a leather bag to Snape, who opened the bag and verified its contents.

"Harry, I need you to open the Chamber of Secrets," Albus said solemnly, her golden locks having to be brushed out of her face as she leaned forward and they got in her eyes.

Harry paused and looked Albus over carefully. "Headmaster?" he asked cautiously, knowing of no one else who would dress in robes like that.

"It is indeed me, Harry," Albus assured him. "I've been introduced to an alternative to the Philosopher's Stone, though there are some differences."

"She means she chose some differences," Minerva spoke up.

Harry's eyes almost popped out of his head as he beheld the changes Minerva had undergone. "Professor McGonagall?" he asked cautiously.

"Restored to my youth," Minerva said proudly.

"She didn't look that good in her youth," Sirius stage-whispered to Snape, letting out a yelp as a wandless stinging hex hit his thigh.

"I almost regret choosing Slytherin over Gryffindor now," Harry said, before realizing he'd spoken out loud.

Snape managed to keep a straight face, but Hagrid actually burst out laughing as did Sirius.

"Why did you choose Slytherin?" Minerva asked, taking pity on the poor lad and changing the subject.

"I'd met Charles and Draco that day," Harry replied, "and Draco was actually less of a prick. Despite Hagrid's opinion of Slytherin's and Snape's displeasure at my existence, it was easy to see which would be a bigger pain to put up with."

"I apologized for tha'," Hagrid said timidly, looking heavily embarrassed.

"Yes and I really did accept that apology," Harry assured the half-giant, "but at the time that's what was going through my head. Besides you weren't completely wrong, I'd say about half of the people in Slytherin should have been drowned at birth, as compared to about an eighth of the other houses."

"That's a bit harsh," Xander said.

"But accurate," Snape disagreed. "While a different upbringing may have better results, some of the students here barely qualify as people in my mind."

"They are only children," Albus said sadly.

"No, at some point they stop being only children and become responsible for their own actions," Snape disagreed, "and that point is when we take them from their families and hand them a wand. When you reach Hogwarts, childhood is over and your actions have consequences. If we fail to instill that fact into them before they leave, then we have failed to do our job."

"Open," Xander hissed at the sink, interrupting an obviously long running argument amongst the staff.

"If you're a parselmouth, what did we need Mr Potter for?" Flitwick asked.

"He developed a crush on him," Sirius teased, "after a torrid affair!"

"No, I have a crush on an older female version," Xander corrected, "and I don't have a crush." Xander stepped into the tunnel, the others quickly following him.

"Older female me?" Harry asked confused, as Xander vanished down the pipe.

"Similar to this place except its a few years ahead, you're female, an only child, and the last surviving Potter," Sirius explained, giving Harry a push into the pipe.

Harry slid down the pipe, landing with a groan and immediately moving clear and casting Lumos with his wand. "So… a crush?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "I have a thing for your older sister, which does not extend to you. It does mean I'm predisposed to think well of you and help you out however."

"What if I'd been female?" Harry asked curiously.

"Still too young," Xander replied as Hagrid hit the ground.

"Was I any good?" Harry asked curiously.

"Do you really want to have this conversation?" Xander asked.

Hagrid groaned as Flitwick bounced off his prone form, followed by Sirius.

"I supposed not," Harry admitted. "It's more like horrified curiosity at this point."

"Fair enough," Xander said as a slowly rising Hagrid was knocked flat by Minerva landing on him.

"Hope she had a better life than I did," Harry said.

"Vernon had planned on raping her, so I cursed him with supermodel good looks and a compulsion to get sent to prison," Xander said.

"That's a no then," Harry decided.

"We solved a number of her problems before we left," Xander assured him. In the background Hagrid simply laid back down and waited for the remaining people to land on him.

"Like what?" Harry asked.

"The Dursleys, Wormtail, the Death Eaters, and Voldemort," Xander replied.

"You took care of the Dursleys and Harriet's virginity," Sirius corrected him, "the rest was me and the Flamels."

Xander rolled his eyes. "I wasn't needed for much, so I took care of the things I was uniquely qualified to fix, like creating a number of parseltongue rings and necklaces so she wouldn't get so much crap for that."

"It was a load of fun," Sirius said cheerfully. "If we ever figure out how to get to where we want to go, we should visit again."

"It'd be nice," Xander agreed. "So, what's life like for you here?" he asked Harry.

"Well…" Harry trailed off as he weighed the pros and cons of actually speaking up for a change and finding it heavily pro for once. "I was raised by the Potters until I was five when Charles discovered that he could blame anything he liked on me and be instantly believed. Being heavily spoiled he naturally used it to try and get all our parents love and attention for himself."

"James and Lily shared a memory of your fifth birthday party and the tantrum you threw," Minerva interrupted.

"Chameleon candy, developed by Remus and Charles yelling that he was Harry Potter, while I was in the kitchen, being punished for using 'accidental magic' to make Charles trip and fall, by being forced to clean with the elves," Harry explained. "It was so stupidly transparent that I was stunned anyone could buy it. After all the other things I 'did', it was the last straw and I was sent off to the Dursleys, who tried and failed to turn me into a house-elf, so I was sent to an orphanage. Naturally it couldn't be a decent one, though I have no evidence, I firmly believe the Dursley's actually searched for the most decrepit and poor one possible."

"An upbringing the equal of Tom Riddle's," Xander said as they walked down the tunnel.

"A real chatty bastard, but he never mentioned that," Harry said.

"It's the basic good vs evil setup," Xander explained, "you're given a life as similar to his as possible to show humanity that it's your personal choices that make the difference in who you become."

"Well, Riddle certainly was evil," Harry agreed. "Hagrid came and got me from the orphanage, discovered that the Potters had emptied my trust vault, despite family bylaw's forbidding it – "

"They actually don't know and believe you are responsible," Albus interrupted. "The goblins' records do claim you did it, spending everything between the ages of nine and eleven."

"Considering I was in an orphanage far from London and hadn't seen the wizarding world since I was five, I find that doubtful," Harry replied. "If I'd had money, I wouldn't have shown up here half starved."

"I covered the cost of nutrient potions out of my own pocket," Snape offered.

"Anyway, my schooling was paid for from the General Fund for Orphans, which doesn't cover a lot as it was assumed the orphanage would cover all my physical needs. Hagrid passed the hat around and I met Malfoy. We pretty much loathed each other at first sight. He was a sneering twat and I was a poor beggar. The only person who made an even worse impression on me was Charles 'I'm-the-Boy-Who-Lived' Potter," Harry continued.

"How could it have been worse?" Sirius asked, as they entered the chamber and everyone stared at a dead snake the size of a bus.

"Everyone stand back," Albus ordered before raising her wand and beginning an intricate dance as she wove a complex web of spells on the chamber that took several minutes to finish, leaving her chest heaving.

As the spell was completed, time seemed to reverse in the chamber, jumping back in large chunks of time until a red-haired girl was seen to enter the chamber, collapsing minutes later and the image of a dark haired young man rising from her body to stand above her.

"What is this?" Harry asked in wonder.

"Magically significant events make an impressions on the environment," Flitwick volunteered. "It takes three words and two flicks to cause a scene to replay."

"Then what was with all the dancing?" Sirius asked.

"I wanted to show off," Albus said, posing with a hand on her hip and making both Snape and McGonagall sigh.

"That's not Charles," Hagrid said as they watched Harry enter the chamber.

"Normally you aren't that altruistic," Snape noted curiously.

"If the school was shut down, I couldn't make any money or complete my education nearly as easily," Harry replied.

The arrival of Fawkes with the Sorting Hat shocked the group who watched as Harry Potter faced down and killed the Basilisk, getting a fang in the shoulder for his troubles.

"Why did you let Charles take the credit?" Albus asked as she watched Fawkes cry into Harry's wound.

"In my first year, I saved the Philosophers Stone and was accused of trying to steal it," Harry replied, sounding slightly bitter. "I do believe you even gave points to Charles for stopping me."

"Charles wasn't lying," Albus said. "I have ways of telling."

"You don't have to be lying to be wrong," Harry replied.

The image of Harry collapsing among the rubble was followed by an image of Charles rushing in while covering his eyes and yelling something. He cautiously uncovered his eyes a few seconds later and took in the scene. With a smug grin he helped Ginny to her feet and retrieved the battered diary, never noticing his brother as he left.

"As you can see, he can say he killed the Basilisk and saved the school without lying, even though he's completely wrong," Harry said.

"The way you're always looking to make a few galleons hasn't exactly painted you as altruistic," Minerva pointed out.

"I made money legally, not a single thing was against the rules or immoral," Harry defended himself.

"I think she means the fact that even though you've made enough to pay for your schooling, you are still seeking more," Albus explained.

"You did hear that I needed nutrient potions and was half starved when I arrived, right?" Harry asked. "And you do know I'm living in an orphanage, right?"

"Wizards aren't the greatest at putting facts together," Sirius explained, "you'll have to tell them straight out."

"I come from an orphanage with over thirty other children and some of them were in worse shape than me, because they don't have magic to help keep them alive. Over ninety percent of what I have goes to helping out," Harry explained.

Seeing the wizards and witches just look confused, Xander shook his head. "The magical world was created so mages wouldn't have to help muggles, so you helping them makes no sense to your audience."

"I'm not going to let children starve to death just because they aren't magical," Harry said, shaking his head.

"It's up to the muggles to take care of their own," Albus said. "We can't do it for them. There's too many for one thing."

"I'm not trying to take care of all of them, I'm just trying to take care of my friends," Harry explained, exasperated. "A single orphanage is something I can handle, even if it's a bit difficult right now."

"Would a big sack-o'-gold help?" Xander asked.

"Always," Harry agreed. "Why?"

"Because Sirius and I have some spare bags," Xander replied.

"And you're just going to give me one?" Harry asked, just to be sure.

"Sure," Xander assured him. "It costs us nothing and helps you a lot, which covers what we're planning anyway."

"Doesn't it cost you a bag of gold?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, but in the grand scheme of things, that's about thirty seconds of effort on some worlds," Xander replied.

While the two discussed it the rest of the group set about examining the area and harvesting the mammoth snake.

"You know the Potters are going to try and claim their share for Charles' defeating the Snake," Minerva pointed out.

Albus nodded. "I know," she agreed. "However I now have more than enough evidence that he didn't do anything of note other than claim credit, regardless of what he believed."

"They aren't going to take that well," Minerva noted with a sigh. "The way fame has changed the Potters… the entire situation… it doesn't sit well with me."

"Considering the way we've all been misreading the situation with young Harry, it shouldn't sit well with any of us," Albus stated.

"Harry, Sev, I hope you have your quills ready because I am going to give you both a peek behind the curtain on how reality is put together and how you can make a few changes to it," Xander said with a grin, practically bouncing in place.

"Look at that enthusiasm," Albus said, her half-lidded gaze raking over Xander's form.

"Behave!" Minerva ordered her boss, clearly amused. "You know your emotional responses are going to be compromised for at least half a week."

"Sadly," Albus agreed, absently reaching up to adjust a breast.

"What do you think of Charles, with what we know now?" Minerva asked.

"Pretty much the same as before," Albus replied, "a lucky, insecure, spoiled child with too much weight on his shoulders, desperately trying to cover it up with false bravado."

"Even if he was the reason his brother was all but thrown out of the family?" Minerva asked.

"He was five years old," Albus disagreed, "there is a reason we don't allow small children much freedom, they make horrible decisions. It does explain why he treats Harry the way he does and keeps trying to get him expelled, though."

"How so?" Minerva asked curiously.

"Because now that he's older and is beginning to comprehend the enormity of what he's done, it must be horrifying for him and only demonizing his brother helps him deal with the guilt," Albus explained. "And let's not even touch on how he must view his parents who threw away his twin for what he knows are very spurious reasons. The reason he works so hard is because he's afraid they'll throw him away one day as well."

"That's… that's horrifying," Minerva said with a shudder. "And how do you view Harry now?"

"Lucky, driven, paranoid," Albus listed off.

"Lucky?" Minerva asked doubtfully.

"He could have easily ended up like Charles or Voldemort, but instead he ended up in a situation that brought out the best in him," Albus explained. "How much are you willing to bet the children in the orphanage are a closer knit family than the Hufflepuffs?"

Minerva idly twirled her wand as she considered that. "It would explain quite a few things."

"Things I have overlooked or misread," Albus said, reaching up stroke her non-existent beard and having to satisfy herself with chewing on a nail as she thought.

In the ensuing silence, Xander voice could be heard lecturing, "Now me personally, I like to drop them in jars of holy water, placed directly over mostly closed doorways to hell, but as you are mages, there is a much simpler way for you to power them."

"Think he's heard enough?" Minerva asked Albus as they noted the swirl of dust that marked an invisibility cloak dragging against the ground as it headed back up the tunnel.

"I hope so," Albus said, "but only time will tell if he was actually listening."

"And trust me, the term sacrifice can mean a lot of different things," Xander said, continuing his lecture, completely unaware of the drama occurring just a couple of feet away.

 **AN: I keep adding and expanding any idea I get my grubby little paws on. I'd meant for this to be a simple asshole/evil Wrong-Boy-Who-Lived fic, but I am allergic to the comic book evil syndrome. Remember: Everyone is the hero in their own life story, even or perhaps especially your villain.**

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**


	32. Enemies with Benefits

**Enemies with Benefits**

"What are you doing?!" Shego demanded.

Ron looked up from the magazine he was reading. "Copying Dr. Drak's latest schematics," he said cheerfully.

"You're stealing his designs?" Shego blurted out in shock.

Ron shot her an offended look. "Does that sound remotely like something I would do?"

Shego took a couple of deep breaths and calmed herself down. She was sure this was going to be something so stupid she would be reaching for the aspirin, but she would get a much quicker answer from Ron by asking rather than threatening like she would Drakken. "I normally only see you when you're part of an attack on Drakken's secret lair," Shego replied, "please tell me what you're doing here at this time, in a full and complete answer that requires no additional explanation."

"Sure," Ron said casually, setting the magazine down. "Do you remember when you guys stole millions of dollars from me? Well, I sued Drakken in civil court, which he decided to ignore the summons to, so I received a judgment against him seizing his intellectual property in lieu of the millions he owed me. I don't want to bore you by going through the legal hoops I had to jump through, so I'll just jump to the summary. I legally own all of Drakken's inventions, but I do pay him a percentage of the money made off of them, which he uses to fund his take over the world schemes apart from the money that covers taxes, medical, and dental for all his employees and of course our 401k."

"I thought the latest dental plan was overly generous of him," Shego said, stunned.

"If you skimp on dental, you'll pay twice as much in medical," Ron replied. "Dental problems always lead to medical ones."

"That's nice to know, but what does that have to do with you being here right now?" Shego asked.

"Any improvements he makes impacts our bottom line, so I'm making time to tend to business today," Ron explained.

"So, I shouldn't expect Kim to show up?" Shego asked.

Ron shook his head. "As far as I know, Global Justice has no idea you guys are even in the state."

"But you do and you didn't tell them?" Shego asked.

"I'm your accountant, of course I know where you are," Ron replied, "but telling Global Justice where you are before Drakken finishes his latest scheme could cost us a good ten percent on our current tech shares, besides they've never asked."

"And Kim's OK with this?" Shego asked.

"She's never asked either," Ron replied.

"I thought you guys shared everything," Shego said.

"We have an agreement, I don't talk finance with her and in exchange I get to be blissfully unaware of if she's having a heavy flow that month, OK?" Ron explained.

Shego burst out laughing.

"You men are such babies," Shego said wiping tears from her eyes.

"Do you really wanna hear how sweaty my testicles get and how that makes them itch?" Ron asked. "Or would you like to discuss how just under the head the sweat actually gets kinda sticky and smells like ramen chicken flavoring?"

Shego made a face.

"Just be glad circumcision caught on," Ron said, "in other countries we'd be talking about almost literal dick-chee-"

"Alright! Enough!" Shego shouted, slamming her hands over her ears.

"Just because its natural, doesn't mean it's not disgusting," Ron said after she uncovered her ears.

"Fine, I'll admit it's not exactly an attractive topic and can be a bit disgusting," Shego conceded.

"Thank you," Ron said.

"It's funny how the agreement protects your secrets while not doing the same for her," Shego said.

"It is funny how that worked out," he agreed, "but I'm not complaining."

Shego opened her mouth, but Ron's communicator went off.

"Hold that thought," Ron said, turning so his back was to a solid grey wall. "You've reached the Ron man," he announced as he answered it. "Oh, hey KP," he added as she appeared on the screen.

"Hey Ron," Kim replied. "Wade told me you had him turn off your tracking chip, but you didn't tell him why, so I thought I'd ask."

"Legally I can't have any recording devices active, including GPS, while doing the monthly audit, phone calls notwithstanding," Ron explained.

Shego snorted and had to cover her mouth to keep from exploding into laughter at seeing Ron put one over on Kim while essentially telling the truth.

"Ron..." Kim's eyes narrowed, "why did I just hear a familiar sounding snort? Are you in trouble?!"

"I'm fine," he assured her, "everything is good here."

"So, you aren't being held hostage by a chubby green skinned villain?" she asked.

"Who are you calling chubby?!" Shego demanded angrily, grabbing the communicator from his hand.

"Aha!" Kim yelled. "I knew it!"

Ron snatched his communicator back before Shego could fry it. "Stop that!" he ordered them both. "Kim, what I do in private is just that, and Shego, I can't believe you fell for that one, you don't have an ounce of fat on you. Trust me, I've looked!"

"Are you dating Shego?!" Kim demanded. "Is she your girlfriend?!"

"No, we're still enemies," Ron assured her, "we're just... enemies with benefits." There was a loud thump and a click followed by a dial tone. He turned to Shego. "I think she may have fainted."

"Enemies with benefits?" Shego asked, biting her lip to keep from laughing.

"Medical and dental," Ron replied with a shrug.

* * *

"You can't be dating her," Kim told Ron when he arrived at school, having missed him leaving from home that morning.

"I told you, we're still enemies," Ron assured her. "I am not dating her."

"You and Ron?" Tara asked Bonnie timidly.

"What? No! I have no idea who that loser is dating!" Bonnie assured her as she retrieved her books from her locker.

"I'm not dating anyone," Ron assured them.

"You said enemies with benefits! If you aren't dating them... ooh my god, you're sleeping with her!" Kim exploded.

Ron groaned as everyone in the hall turned to stare at him.

"Who?" Bonnie demanded in the sudden silence.

"Shego!" Kim ground out angrily.

Ron turned and glared right back at her. "Excuse me, but I don't think it's appropriate to go spreading rumors about who I am involved with or what we may or may not be doing in private!"

Kim winced. "You're right and I'm sorry," she apologized, "but if I were dating Drakken you'd be upset, right?"

"I remember the incident with the moodulator," Ron assured her, "and yes I was upset because your behavior was all over the place and completely out of character. My behavior is the same as its always been and I am not acting all lovey dovey, now am I?"

"Well... No, but she's in her mid 20's and a super-villain," Kim pointed out. "Naturally I'm concerned about you having a physical relationship with her considering how you've treated each other up till now."

Ron tried to figure out what to say without lying and let out a mental sigh of relief as he found it. "Are you claiming that a guy my age, willingly getting physical with Shego is out of character?"

One of the football players spoke up, "She's hot and dangerous. I would crawl across a field of broken glass just to hear her reject me in person."

A number of boys agreed and noise returned to the hall as people started talking once more and getting ready for class.

"Unless my private life starts interfering with our missions, which it never has before, then I would expect you not to pry into it," Ron said.

"This is a side of you I've never seen before," Kim said, "or thought existed."

"I get that," Ron said with a sigh, "however I am a guy, and you'll just have to accept that and let it go."

"... Alright," Kim said quietly.

Ron high fived himself inside his head. He'd managed to get through a very difficult conversation without revealing anything or lying. Hopefully everything would return to normal now.

 **Lunch**

Ron winced as he picked up his tray, his side hurting a bit from a bruise he'd gotten when his cartwheel had been intercepted by a table during practice.

"Are you OK?" Kim asked. "I mean do we need to put some neosporin on your back?"

"My back?" Ron asked as they sat at their usual table.

"Are you saying your back isn't scratched up," Kim asked doubtfully, "because I know Shego and when she gets excited the claws come out."

"Is this conversation as exciting as I think it is?" Monique asked eager to hear some new gossip.

"I don't know," Ron said, "but I am really beginning to get suspicious about the reason Kim was grilling me about my relationship with Shego now."

"What?" Kim asked before realizing what they thought. "No! It's not like that at all! I'm just saying I know her from fighting her and when she gets really into it she brings out the plasma claws."

"People act completely different in a ring than they do in bed," Ron said, " well... Unless they're into that sort of thing I guess, which I am not."

"Speaking of which..." Monique drawled out to catch Ron's attention, "the latest gossip is about you and Shego getting freaky. Anything to say?"

"I believe they are called private lives for a reason," Ron said, recalling some of the training he'd gotten for dealing with the press. "If I wanted my private life to be public I'd move into a glass house."

"I'm not asking for pictures, a sound byte will do," Monique pouted, reminding him that she'd taken that course with him.

"I'm not a celebrity, so I'll just have to direct any public interest elsewhere," Ron replied, using the modesty gambit.

"Just because you shun the spotlight doesn't mean the general public is unaware of your actions," Monique smoothly slid in. "Why I do recall a certain someone who turned a school cafeteria into a four-star restaurant, made millions in the fast food game, and yet still found time to assist Miss Possible in her world saving actions."

"Exactly, assist," Ron said with a smile, "so the real subject the public should know about is Miss Possible. Kim, would you care to comment?"

"He described it as enemies with benefits," Kim said, shaking her head. "I've never heard of such a thing before then."

"Oh yeah, you didn't take the Media Management course with us," Ron said. "You were supposed to talk about yourself, not me. Anyway! Still private, no comment!"

"Sorry," Kim apologized. "It's just really hard to let go."

"Kim," Ron growled, "we have an agreement, remember?"

"Which one?" Kim asked.

"The one where we don't share details or complain about what the other person is doing with someone of the opposite sex," Ron explained, rephrasing things to fit the situation with Shego and not just who Kim was dating.

"I know," Kim admitted. "I'm trying."

"Are you jellin', girlfriend?" Monique asked Kim.

"And if so, of which one?" Felix added, before his girlfriend Zita elbowed him in the side.

"It's not like that!" Kim exclaimed doubly embarrassed.

"It really isn't," Ron backed her up. "Neither of the two feels that way about the other. Trust me, I'd know."

"How about her being jealous of you?" Felix asked.

"Kim doesn't have those feelings about me," Ron assured him, "otherwise she wouldn't be chasing after random cute guys all the time."

"They aren't random!" Kim defended herself.

Monique frowned and considered the matter. "They kinda are," she admitted.

Ron ignored their byplay and continued on, "and all the times she's gotten between me and some girl has turned out to be the right move."

Kim nodded, relieved.

"Except for that one clone," Ron said making Kim hang her face in her hands.

"Clone?" Monique asked.

"Drakken's machine screwed up and created a blonde haired blue-eyed Kim clone that refused to obey him and helped me out," Ron explained. "She loved nachos and video games. She was like the perfect women. She had it all; looks, brains, personality."

"So, what happened?" Felix asked.

Ron sighed sadly. "It turns out that soda isn't the only liquid that causes a clone to melt."

"I am so out of here!" Kim said, grabbing her tray and fleeing.

"And what fluid would that be?" Monique asked, just to be sure, even though they were all pretty sure they knew what fluid he was talking about.

"Grapefruit juice," Ron said, surprising them all. "As a surprise I made her breakfast in bed and she melted."

"That did not go where I thought it would," Felix admitted.

"Where did you think it was going to go?" Ron asked.

"I thought it was going to turn out to be a bodily fluid," he hinted.

Ron shook his head. "No, she had no problems there," he said shocking them.

"So, if she had the looks and Kim looks exactly like her..." Zita hinted.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yes, Kim is beautiful, but at least half of beauty is the person's personality," he pointed out.

"Does Kim have a good personality?" Felix added.

"Of course, why do you ask?" Ron replied, figuring the answer was obvious. His watch beeped and he got up. "Gotta run, see you all later."

"Does he realize..." Zita's voice trailed off.

"Nope," Monique replied.

"She's just as bad," Felix pointed out.

"Yeah," Monique agreed.

"We're going to stay out of it and let them figure it out on their own, aren't we?" Zita asked.

"Definitely," Monique and Felix chorused.

* * *

"What's the sitch?" Kim asked as she and Ron joined the group of agents around the table.

"This is more Mr. Stoppable's field than yours," The Director said, gesturing to a stack of folders that were quickly passed out.

"Mine?" Ron asked in surprise.

"The underworld has picked up a new tool in their arsenal," the Director said. "We're calling him 'The Number's Man'," she explained. "Before, the criminals always wasted a certain amount of money, but now they are operating much more efficiently making them more profitable and harder to trace."

Ron paged through the report, recognizing quite a few faces and corporate strategies... since he'd design and implemented them himself.

"We're still compiling data on this new threat, but rest assured, we will catch him!" Betty Director swore. "Can I count on your assistance, Mr. Stoppable?"

"I'm in," Ron said firmly wondering how he was going to get out of this mess.

 **Typing by: Lohoydo**


	33. ADD Hyper 4

**ADD Hyper 4**

 **Chapter 1 – More Fragments 16**

 **Chapter 2 – More Fragments 44**

 **Chapter 3 – Yet More Fragments 24**

"Hey old man," Naruto greeted the Hokage as they entered his office, Sakura still in his arms as her legs had yet to regain feeling.

"Dammit, Naruto!" Sakura complained. "He's the Hokage, would it kill you to show a little respect?!"

Naruto ignored her, as he ignored any complaints about showing respect to people, not wanting to have anything shoved up his rear as seemed mandatory for people who behaved that way.

"Come to take me out to lunch?" Sarutobi asked cheerfully, easily ignoring Sakura.

"As long as you like Ramen," Naruto automatically responded.

"Excellent. I'll grab my hat," the old man replied, surprising Sakura and Sasuke who had always dismissed Naruto's mentions of lunch with the Hokage as empty bragging.

"Training!" Sasuke hissed at Naruto.

"Oh yeah," Naruto said, the thought of Ramen having completely driven everything else from his mind. "Kakashi is… unavailable for training, can we get a replacement?"

"I have some free time," Sarutobi said, deciding that he could toss some training their way while learning about Naruto's new jutsu.

"Awesome!" Naruto beamed, while Sasuke and Sakura tried and failed to cover their shock.

Sakura didn't recover until Naruto reluctantly set her down on a stool at the counter of his favorite Ramen place.

"Are you going to teach us a super cool jutsu?" Naruto asked enthusiastically.

"I considered that," Sarutobi agreed while the Ramen waitress took their order, paying special attention to Naruto and making Sakura frown, "but then I thought, instead of teaching them one 'super cool jutsu', why don't I teach them a way to ensure that when they learn super cool jutsus, they can use them multiple times a day rather than just once."

All three genin stared at the Hokage in shock.

"You see, when you run out of chakra… you lose," Sarutobi explained as he ate, the children hanging on his every word, "but I just happen to know a few exercises that not only make every jutsu take less chakra, but ones that also increase the amount of chakra you have at the same time."

"Really?" Naruto asked wide-eyed.

"Really," Sarutobi assured him. "In fact, the first exercise is one Kakashi has no doubt already taught you, how to walk up the sides of buildings."

The three genin exchanged confused glances before Sasuke said, "He hasn't taught us anything like that."

The Hokage frowned. "I begin to see why you turned him into a chicken."

"Cool, isn't it?" Naruto said proudly, while his teammates winced, expecting a lecture.

"Very," Sarutobi agreed cheerfully, much to their shock. "I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while," the old man admitted. "You can tell me all the details while we train."

Naruto beamed.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Neji was sent flying, the casual flick of a wing the only sign the chicken had noticed him as it stood on one leg and held open a small orange book with the other.

"Is it Neji's fate to be defeated by a chicken?" Lee asked curiously.

"That was happenstance, nothing more!" Neji growled out, climbing back to his feet.

Tenten reached for a kunai, but Gai placed a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. "Neji has already stated that he needs no help for this task, it would be unyouthful to interfere before he requests assistance."

Neji flew over their heads to land in the pond.

"Fate moves in mysterious ways," Lee decided.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Shadow clone jutsu," Sarutobi said, creating three clones. "Each of you will receive individual training so we can make the most of our time."

"Then why are there four of you?" Naruto asked as the Hokage's clones lead off his teammates.

"Because while my clones trains your clones, we can discuss your prank," Sarutobi explained.

Naruto frowned. "But my clones are probably gonna run out of chakra before they can teach me what your clone taught them."

"Didn't Kakashi teach you the secret of shadow clones?"

"There's a secret?" Naruto asked, surprised.

"Anything your clones learn, you learn when they dispel," Sarutobi explained. "You probably would have figured it out even if Kakashi didn't tell you, in a week or two."

"They can learn all the boring stuff for me?!" Naruto all but begged.

"Well, they are you, but having less chakra they should, probably, have more patience," the Hokage-clone allowed.

"Give him a dozen clones and let's talk about your jutsu and how we're going to use it on Kakashi tomorrow," the Hokage ordered.

"Shadow clone jutsu!" Naruto exclaimed excitedly, creating around forty clones.

"We have our work cut out for us," the Hokage-clone said with a chuckle. "Follow me," he ordered, leading the group off.

"Are you really going to help me with a prank?" Naruto asked.

"Oh, yes," the old man assured him. "Kakashi has had this coming for quite some time. I will warn you however, we are going to have to go over every little detail of the prank, no matter how dull it may be."

"No part of a prank is dull," Naruto disagreed. "The little details are what make it work!"

"That's also true of jutsu," the old man pointed out.

"Even awesome ones?" the blond asked wide-eyed.

"Especially awesome ones," Sarutobi assured him.

"Why didn't anyone tell me before?!" Naruto demanded.

Sarutobi burst out laughing.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"I am loathe to resort to jutsu to deal with a simple animal," Neji Hyuuga said, his clothes dirty and torn, his hair wet and tangled, "however you have left me no choice."

The chicken tucked its orange book away in a pouch and turned its one-eyed gaze towards the genin for the first time.

"Neji… I'd be very cautious," Tenten warned, "it's actually taking you seriously now."

"That does not matter," Neji said, activating its bloodline. "You are in the range of my Divination! Eight Trigrams: Sixty-Four Palms!"

Whatever result Neji expected, everyone that was watching was pretty sure what occurred wasn't it.

Neji rolled around on the ground clutching his hands and cursing, his composure completely gone as Gai hurried to help him.

"It blocked every attack with its beak!" Lee said in wonder.

"It pecked the hell out of his fingers is what it did," Tenten said shaking her head.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed urgently as Gai bandaged Neji's fingers.

"Yes, Lee?" Gai replied as he finished assisting his student, while keeping an eye on the chicken.

"I wish to have a pecker of steel!" Lee announced, causing everyone, including the chicken, to turn and stare at him.

"You are a little young to learn such techniques," Gai admitted.

"Gai-sensei, did you not tell me excellence knows no age?" Lee asked.

Gai nodded solemnly. "Very true, my young pupil. Very well, I will allow you to read the secret scrolls of the Hard-body techniques."

"Okay, I will admit I need help," Neji admitted reluctantly trying to ignore the pair's conversation. "Will someone please help me corral this chicken?"

"Of course, you need but ask," Gai said. "Lee we will continue this conversation later."

"Hai, Gai-sensei!"

"I'm… not touching that one," Tenten decided. "How are we going to handle this chicken?"

"And why was I unable to handle it myself?" Neji asked, cradling his bandaged hands to his chest and glaring at the white feathered creature.

Gai beamed at his inquisitive students. "As you have seen from my own summons, summoned animals will often have gear reminiscent of their summoners. Now, examining that chicken you will note that not only does it possess a headband from Konoha that it uses to cover an eye, but it is also wearing a jacket that is visible when it extends its wings."

The chicken spun around and deflected several rocks revealing the body beneath the wings.

"I… I was defeated because…" Neji's voice trailed off in disbelief.

"Indeed my cute young pupil," Gai said proudly. "You were defeated by a jounin level chicken!"

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Now, not only do some of the more awesome jutsu take hours to cast, but they also require expensive crap I can't afford." Naruto explained.

"And how did you get around that?" Sarutobi asked curiously.

"Well, the back of the book has a way to turn the memorized jutsu into scrolls, kinda like exploding tags, which takes care of the long ass casting time, but that still leaves me needing a lotta expensive stuff. Now the way I worked around that was I figured out I could use symbols to replace some ingredients, but if I write them on the scroll it goes off, so I gotta put them on something else and paper burns up too fast, ruining the jutsu, so I started using Go pieces."

"How did you figure out what symbols to use?" Sarutobi asked, happy to see Naruto excited about an intellectual pursuit.

"Half the time it was obvious and the other half, I just kept messing with until it worked," Naruto said, unknowingly quoting every Uzumaki seal master that had EVER lived.

"Sounds dangerous," Sarutobi noted.

"It would be if I was stupid enough to set it off in person," Naruto agreed. "Shadow clones are the way to go when trying out new stuff."

"It's thinking like that, that leads to one becoming Hokage," the Hokage encouraged. "Where did you find this book of… awesome jutsu, anyway?"

"They were remodelling and a bunch of stuff was found in the basement of the post office," Naruto explained, "and since I'm the only Uzumaki, they gave me K. Uzumaki's mail. It was a couple of water-damaged letters and a box with some books in it. I knew the books were awesome 'cause they weren't damaged and someone put a big note reading 'danger' on the cover."

"I see," Sarutobi said, lighting his pipe. Really, if you'd ever met any Uzumaki you could have predicted that kind of response, Naruto was just like his mother that way. "So what else have you been working on from that book?"

Naruto grinned and held up a Go tile with a complex diagram carved into it. "Watch this!" He pressed the tile to his shoulder and his clothes were suddenly as clean as they would be if they'd just come from the wash. "It's a push finger tile!" he said proudly. "It cleans anything you're wearing!"

"Convenient," Sarutobi agreed.

"It can also remove stains and sew up small tears," Naruto said. "I have to carve a new one each time, but that only takes an hour or so."

"You could probably make more money selling those than they make selling explosive tags," Sarutobi noted.

Naruto shook his head. "It takes more training to use than an explosive tag and some people just can't get it."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah," Naruto said. "I mean, Kiba got it on his first try, but Choji couldn't get it to work at all."

"Interesting," the old man mused, deciding he was definitely going to spend the rest of the week training Team Seven and questioning Naruto about his new techniques. "Does it have to be a chicken or can you transform Kakashi into other animals?"

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

The chicken, wings spread wide, lost itself in the sensation of flight, wind chakra assisted flaps letting it achieve its species' dream of returning to the skies.

"Such is fate," Lee said, trying to comfort Neji who now had no chance of avenging himself on the flying fowl.

Neji could do nothing more than stare after the departed bird in disbelief as he thought to himself, 'This day cannot get any worse.'

Wrongly, as it turned out.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Hinata's hands absently played with the three intricately carved Go tiles that Naruto had personally carved for her when she'd admitted in class once that she wished she were a little braver. She took heart from the fact that he had listened and made something just for her. It really helped when she was feeling nervous or distracted, as she was right now.

"Neji was beaten by a chicken," she repeated to herself as she heard the kitchen staff gossip.

"It's the only time I've actually heard him talk about fate with disbelief," another said.

Hinata wandered off, her mind stuck on something Kurenai had told her before and had repeated today, that by not fighting her family and friends at her full strength she was endangering them, making them think they were stronger than they actually were, weakening them and putting them in danger.

"This is my fault," she decided, as two of the Go pieces fit together with a click.

"What is your fault, Hime?" Neji asked in his usual borderline disrespectful tone as he entered the compound.

The third stone clicked into place, completing an intricate pattern, and Hinata's eyes glowed silver for but a moment, her aura flaring into the shape of a large cat. "It is my fault you are so weak," she said with a heavy sigh. "I had thought that being kind and gentle was the best way to help my family, but it is now clear I was wrong."

"Pardon?" Neji asked, even more at sea than when a chicken had flung him aside without looking up from the porn it was reading.

"I am going to beat the weakness out of you brother," Hinata said kindly. "Prepare yourself!"

"Wha – " Neji began when Hinata's forehead slammed into his, stunning him. "That's not Gentle Fist!" he exclaimed, backpedaling to get some distance.

"And you think your foe will care?!" she demanded as she charged forward, deflecting his initial defense before lashing out with a kick to his knee that he could not avoid.

One of the elders made the mistake of trying to interfere, as sparring was only allowed in the dojo. "This is not prop–" the elder began, reaching for Hinata's shoulder. Hinata snapped his arm and flung him at Neji, who was knocked to the ground.

Everyone stared at her in shock.

"To strengthen my family I must pound the weakness out of them," Hinata announced. "If I did not care I would not have to be this tough on you all, but understand… you are all my family and I love you very much!"

"She's just like her mother," Hiashi noted proudly… before the beatings began.

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**

 **TN: I giggled so much typing this out.**


	34. Attempted SI

**Attempted SI**

John found himself naked and standing on a featureless black plane, with only the words floating in front of him providing illumination.

"Why am I naked?" he asked, before squinting at the screen, nearly blind without his glasses. "A CYOA? I suppose this is the part where I'm supposed to whine like a little bitch and curse whatever ROB dropped me here right?" He snorted. "Fuck that! I'll take easy mode for nine free points and spend them on 'for want of a nail', meaning Scion is dead for a measly one point and I'll just use the remaining eight points to take two major perks, Kaleidoscope and Life Shaper. Done!"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

John appeared in a back alley just off the Boardwalk in Brockton Bay. Immediately, he had intimate knowledge in excruciating detail about the biological processes of every living thing in range forcefully rammed into his head. He quickly altered his brain to cope with the flow, falling over as his head grew to three times its normal size.

Lying in the dirt and trash of a refuse strewn alley, completely naked with a head too big for his body to support, John laughed and absorbed his legs to provide biomass so he could increase the size of his head even more.

He carefully tapped into the Kaleidoscope, his newly enhanced brain allowing him to narrow the flow of data to something he could manage without going mad. He absently absorbed any insects that came in contact with him as he searched, finding what he was looking for within a couple of hours. He reconfigured his DNA to match his target and let Kaleidoscope shut down as he regrew his legs and shrunk his head back down to normal. Thankfully no one had wandered down this alley while he was preoccupied.

Climbing to his feet, he brushed the dirt off and started walking. He grew a speedo and a pair of sandals as he walked, even though that made him look even more out of place than walking around naked would have. As an afterthought he added a domino mask. All three items were a dark brown as they were simply skin growths with their color changed via melanin addition.

As he stepped out of the dark alley and onto the Boardwalk, it felt like he'd stepped into an oven. His blood burned as the sunlight hit his skin and he moaned in almost orgasmic pleasure.

"Bums are getting even stranger," one of the enforcers muttered, as he and his partner approached, the pair tasked with keeping the boardwalk safe for tourists.

John ignored them as he saw the sun begin to peek out through the clouds and flood his system with even more sunlight.

"Hey Kid, you gotta move along," one of the enforcers ordered, prodding John with a baton, only to find it was like prodding stone. "Shit, he's a cape!"

"Dressed like that?" his partner asked in disbelief.

"Hey, you a hero or villain?" the first enforcer asked cautiously.

"Depends on how things go," John replied honestly, just making small talk while his new genetics woke up, feeding off the light of the sun.

"What's your name and why are you dressed like that?" the second enforcer asked.

"My cape name is Buck Naked and the less I wear, the stronger I am," John replied, fighting with his entire being to keep a straight face, and succeeding, mostly.

"Well… can you go be buck naked elsewhere?" the enforcer requested.

"Tell me where the best place to get a suntan is and I'll go there," John offered.

"Out at sea," the second enforcer replied. "Otherwise you're kinda out of luck this time of year."

"I can handle that," John said cheerfully, crossing the boardwalk and jumping off the pier. He strode across the water like it was solid ground, reabsorbing his sandals and enjoying the feel of water on his feet.

The Bay was a mess, he noted; the water was filled with sunken ships, trash and was heavily polluted besides, but he could still feel the countless creatures that made it their home despite it all. He amused himself by altering the sea life as he walked, making them flourish despite the pollution and by creating a type of plankton that would feed on and breakdown hydrocarbons to help clean the water.

He sensed the rapid approach of a parahuman and turned to see who it was.

"Hey! This is a restricted area!" Glory Girl yelled.

"No, that is a restricted area over there," John said waving towards the Rig that the PRT was based out of, far off to the right, "this is open sea."

"Why are you walking into the sea?" Glory Girl asked curiously.

"Because I need sunlight," John replied honestly, "and the quickest way is to walk a dozen or so miles that-a-way."

"Oh," Glory Girl replied floating alongside him. Her phone rang and she quickly answered it singing out, "Glory Girl, it's your dime but it's my time, so make it snappy."

John chuckled and continued altering the sea life to better deal with pollution as he walked.

"He's heading out to sea because he needs sunlight," she said. "He's not completely naked, he's wearing a banana hammock. He probably wants to catch a tan."

He discovered hundreds of crabs and lobsters close-by, the local area avoided by fishermen as everything was far too polluted to legally sell, so despite the conditions some of the populations were attempting to make a comeback.

"I'm supposed to ask you your name, power and if you triggered recently," Glory Girl said.

"The less I am wearing, the stronger I am, I did trigger recently and the name is Buck Naked," John replied cheerfully, altering the local shellfish to grow to ten times their current size and giving their shells a nice camouflage pattern that would have a wide range of pallets for their offspring.

Whatever Glory Girl was being told had made her pale as she turned a concerned look John's way. "I – I'll do that," she said before hanging up and turning to John. "I can fly you out to a sunny area in just a few minutes if you'd like?" she offered hopefully, her aura radiating sadness.

John barely had time to begin to nod as he found himself swept up bridal style and rocketing for the open sea. "So what's the teary eyes for?" he asked loudly, so he could be heard over the wind.

"Your powers, need for sunlight, recent trigger… Armsmaster told me what the most likely events would be to cause you to gain powers like that," she said, having to repeat herself as she had spoken too softly the first time.

"Ah," John said, deciding to let that play out since it would generate some sympathy and let him get away with more outrageous stunts later. "I'm okay now," he told her, hoping to cheer her up a bit.

"Yes you are," she agreed, tripling her speed and causing the world to blur around them.

"That's the stuff!" John cheered as they hit sunny seas, miles from shore. He floated out of Glory Girls arms and absorbed all the sunlight he could handle, his body quivering in pleasure.

Glory Girl blushed and looked away. "You really like sunlight," she muttered.

"It feels like sex. No! It feels like eating chocolate ice cream. No! It feels like having sex with chocolate ice cream!" John enthused, making Glory Girl laugh.

"I think that would be cold and sticky," she said with a grin, good humor restored.

"How about sex in a hot tub filled with warm chocolate pudding?" John asked.

Glory girl laughed.

John considered what his next move should be before deciding that pretending to be a Case 53 would cover up his lack of personal history and local knowledge the best. He darkened the skin on the back of his neck in the shape of the Greek Omega symbol that also marked the Case 53's. "So now what?"

"Well, the PRT would like to meet you," she told him. "The Wards can always use new members."

"Wards?" John asked before examining his body and realizing he was the same age as the main characters in Worm, he was somewhere in his mid-teens! This was really going to screw with his plans.

"You obviously aren't old enough to join the Protectorate," Glory Girl explained, "and it's safer for new heroes to be part of a team."

"All I have to do is remove my speedo and mask," John replied, "then I'll be untouchable!"

"Villains have been known to break the unwritten rules," Glory Girl warned, misunderstanding what he meant.

John shook his head. "The less I'm wearing, the tougher I am remember?"

"But what about your family?" she asked.

"I… I don't remember," Jon said with a frown.

"What?"

"I don't remember anything before waking up in the alley, at least nothing about myself beyond my powers," he lied. "I seem to know a lot, but… I have amnesia."

"Then where did you get the cape name and mask from?" Glory Girl demanded.

"Someone told me my name when I stepped out of the alley and I grew the mask," John replied, growing another mask in the palm of his right hand, this one copied from shark DNA, so it was a nice blue grey. He absorbed it after showing it to her.

"They named you –" Glory Girl began, then smacked her forehead. "Of course! Let me guess, someone said something like 'He's buck naked'?"

"Exactly," John cheerfully agreed. "It fit my power perfectly!"

"You can't be a Case 53, they look like monsters," Glory Girl said, shaking her head.

"Okay," John agreed with a bright smile.

"The PRT can help you find out who you are," Glory Girl decided. "Your trigger was probably really traumatic, like Armsmaster suggested."

"So my amnesia could be temporary," John said, trying to sound hopeful.

"Either way, they'll be a good place to start," Glory Girl said, thinking to herself, 'Dean owes me big for this!'

"Well, I've had more than enough sun, so let's check it out," he suggested.

"Race ya!" Glory Girl challenged before she zipped off at high speed.

The pair quickly lost themselves in a high speed game of tag until Glory Girl's phone rang.

"Hold on," she said. "Glory Girl here, butt-kickings on request, how can I help you?"

John chuckled.

"Of course we're headed for the Rig," she said before sighing in exasperation. "We passed it how many times?" she asked surprised.

"Five," Armsmaster announced, causing her to spin around and find she was about six feet away from the catwalk railing on top of the Rig.

"I gotta go, I'll talk to you later," Glory Girl said, hanging up. "Armsmaster, I was just talking to you," she said cheerfully in the most air-headed voice she could manage.

"I noticed," Armsmaster deadpanned as he put away his cellphone, sliding it into a utility belt on his armor.

"I've got a new cape here, he has a slight case of amnesia, but other than that he's fine," she offered.

"Hi," John said with a cheerful wave.

"Hello," Armsmaster greeted him. "As a new cape I'd like to invite you to undergo power testing and join our Wards program. Regardless of your response, we offer our services in finding out who you are if you have simple amnesia or setting up a new life if you're a Case 53."

"He looks normal," Glory Girl pointed out.

"While most Case 53s have looks that differ significantly from the norm, not all of them do," Armsmaster explained. "Some of them look perfectly normal. Case 53s only have three things in common, they are parahumans with amnesia and each carries a specific tattoo somewhere on their body."

"Pretty sure he doesn't have any tats," Glory Girl said, "they'd be easy to see."

"Unless covered by clothes or hair," Armsmaster pointed out.

 **Typing By – Sitheus Maximus**

 **AN: Completely forgot where I was going with this so I never continued it. I'm sure I had a plot in mind, or at least a joke, but I can't remember what it is. I think I started the whole thing just because I was annoyed at people getting ROBed and complaining about getting super powers. Plus I wanted to do a hero named Buck Naked and had a bunch of scenes planned out with him facing down enemies while threatening to remove his speedo.**


	35. Filing Errors and Second Chances

**Filing Errors and Second Chances**

Harry blinked and looked around in confusion. He appeared to be in some sort of office while a strangely familiar looking blonde was paging through a file and glaring. "Where am I?" he asked cautiously, while reaching for his wand only to find that not only was he not carrying it, he was in fact completely naked.

"The afterlife," she replied, not even glancing up as finished reading the file. "We died, we ended up here, and now we have to go over all the mistakes we've made," she explained.

"We?" Harry asked, scooting closer to the desk so it at least protected his crotch from her gaze.

"We," she repeated. "You don't have the background to understand and I don't feel like explaining it at the moment so let me sum it up. The only fair judge for a person is themselves, infinity is more than just a word, and we have the same soul."

"This is it then," Harry said with a sigh as he pushed aside most of what she'd said and focused on what he understood. "We failed and Voldemort won."

"Don't be so melodramatic," she said, rolling her eyes. "After we die, Tom Riddle usually manages to make enough of a mess of things that his own people off him in a matter of months."

"You're kidding," Harry said.

"Not remotely," she assured him. "The pure bloods hate most of their allies, look at how the werewolf laws are, so once they no longer need them, everyone is backstabbing everyone else and Tommy Boy is expected to rule over that and have things work out? He's an insane asshole with a rapidly degrading mental state. He is his own worst enemy, which is often literal as one of his enemies gets ahold of a Horcrux more often than not and becomes another Tom and fights him for power."

"But that still leaves a Tom in charge," Harry pointed out.

"The soul can only take so much damage before losing its grip on life," she explained. "No, his existence is limited. There is a reason we aren't up to our necks in immortal pricks after all."

"That is a huge weight off my mind," Harry said. "OK, I'm ready, tell me what I've done wrong and send me to my final destination."

"Nah," she said, taking one more glance through the file and tossing it in the basket on her desk. "Our biggest sin Is false pride and Dumbledore purposely conditioned us to have that."

"What?" Harry asked confused.

"False pride, in this case the belief that we are responsible for everything," she explained. "Our saving people thing and guilt over the actions of others is actually something that a senile old goat fucker meticulously planned out and conditioned us to have, thinking it made us a better person."

Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times before sitting quietly for a moment deep in thought. "I would love not feeling responsible for everything, but... saving people, its just the right thing to do."

She gave him a full and unrestrained smile for that comment, causing him to move even closer to the desk while trying not to blush. "Most of the time it is, but we take it to extremes. It is one of our good points, but we really need to temper it with a little rational thought and planning."

"I'm not going to argue with you there," Harry said, recalling a panicking Malfoy nearly pulling him of his broom and into the path of a wave of fiendfire.

"You know what? We have enough good karma on the books, how about we send you back and see if you can do a better job the second time?" she suggested. "I mean, one of the things we wanted was a big family and we didn't even get a chance to practice what we needed to do to get one!"

Harry laughed. "Yeah, I will agree with you there. If there was any time I wished I had less morals it was in that area."

She grinned. "I know the feeling. I ended up gaining Veela traits and still died a virgin."

"The only thing that fucked us was life," Harry said with a sigh. "Hell, if I go back filled with all the stupidity Dumbledore programmed into me, wouldn't everything just turn out the same?"

"We'll sort that out before sending you back," she promised. "So, what do you say?"

"How far back are we talking here?" he asked cautiously. "I mean, I don't want to go through puberty again, much less my childhood with the Dursleys."

"Right there with ya," she agreed. "I was thinking the start of fifth year. You have finished your OWLs, reached your majority, and delivered a final warning to the wizarding world at that point and can legally and morally depart."

"I could drop a letter to the _Prophet_ about the falling teaching standards at Hogwarts being the reason I'm withdrawing as Umbridge doesn't even have a NEWT in defense," Harry said with a grin. "I could save Sirius!"

"Do I take it you approve of the idea?" she teased.

Harry jumped to his feet and cheered, only stopping when he saw her smirk and remembered he was naked. He quickly dropped back into his seat.

"We'll make a quick visit to a mind healer and then send you back," she decided. "Should take all of... time doesn't really exist here, but it'll seem like a half an hour or your entire life, maybe both, " she said, coming out from behind the desk.

"Can I get something to wear?" Harry asked covering his crotch with his hands.

"This is the afterlife, there are no clothes," she said shaking her head. "The problem is you are wearing shame and embarrassment."

"What?" he asked confused.

"Do you see any clothes on me?" she asked.

"No," he admitted slowly, realizing he didn't, but at the same time she didn't seem naked the way he was either.

"Relax and let it go," she ordered him, looking in his eyes. "Its a part of life and that's over, for now."

Harry took a deep breath and let it out, forcing himself to relax, before standing up, letting his arms fall to his sides. "OK, I'm ready."

"Good," she said giving him an encouraging smile, "if you'll follow me." She opened the door to her office and waved him out into the hall.

It looked like he imagined it would, a version of the ministry where everything was light and shiny and new. Something seemed off, but he paid it no mind, concentrating on keeping his embarrassment at bay.

"Right this way," she said, grabbing his hand and leading him down the hall.

They passed numerous offices and a plethora of people, many of whom stopped to stare as the pair went by. Harry was used to that sort of behavior so he ignored it. Once they'd reached the elevator Harry was able to relax a little, safely out of public view once more.

"What happens to the prophecy if I don't play my part anyway?" he asked as the elevator started up on its own.

"Over half the prophecies the Wizarding World collects fail to come true," she explained, "the globe goes dark and the Unspeakables try to figure out what changed. They are what might happen not what will."

"Good, I was afraid I was going to damage reality or something," he admitted.

The elevator dinged as it reached their destination and the doors slid open revealing an endless obsidian plane.

She pushed Harry out the door as he looked around, searching for who they were to meet.

"Greetings!" a voice boomed from above, causing Harry to look up and see that the source of the voice and the light in the room were one and the same.

"Is that..." he began.

"Yes," she agreed. "Five rings of fire circling a multiwinged being with a continually shifting form where only the blue eyes and the single slightly folded and twisted horn rests. J'lah'svan archangel of music and the mind, father of the unicorn."

"I was going to say a crumple horned snorkack," Harry replied.

"CLEAR YOUR MIND," the voice of the angel thundered and Harry felt a sharp pain in his skull.

Harry blinked and looked around. "What just happened?" he asked curiously as he found himself standing with his female half in front of what looked to be a replica of Stonehenge made out of freshly cut green stones, not a single one missing, with a silver cord extending from his navel into the center of the circle where a swirling whirlpool existed.

"Oh, you're back with us," she said surprised. "Joel really did a number on you or whatever the opposite would be since he completely unfucked your head."

His mind felt completely... clean. He could look back over his memories with perfect recall and see where he'd been influenced and prodded by people and magic. "Ah," Harry said as he straightened up. "OK, and... why are you dressed?" he asked confused, as his instant recall kicked in and he looked at the scene with fresh eyes.

"You expected me to walk around naked?!" she demanded, sounding horrified.

"What?! But?!" Harry sputtered, before glowering. "You told me there were no clothes in the afterlife and had me walk around naked!"

She grinned, completely unrepentant. "I say a lot of things. You were the one who bought it."

"You had me walk around naked as a joke?" he half asked half stated, clearly not amused.

"Only in part," she said, suddenly serious. "In the afterlife you don't need to eat; souls absorb manna from the surrounding environment through their exposed skin and manna not only feeds the soul it also heals it. Now do you understand why I did what I did?"

"Yeah, I can see the sense in it, but why the confundus about everyone else wearing clothes?"

"How you treat yourself is important," she explained, "and while I may have played a prank on you it was because it would directly benefit you. The more open and relaxed you are, the more manna you absorb. The fact that I found it hilarious was just icing on the cake."

"Put like that I understand," he said. "So... how does the confundus on asking your name help?" he asked with a grin, easily seeing through that as well.

"It helps me, because Mom sacrificing herself to save me just barely makes up for what she named me," she replied.

"It can't be that-" he began.

"She named me after her sister."

"I stand corrected," Harry said. "If it helps you don't look at all like a Petunia."

"That does help," Petunia agreed, "not enough to make up for the name, but a bit."

A slowly growing keening noise began to rise from the whirlpool and Harry felt the silver cord pull on him.

"Well... this is where I leave you," Petunia said. "Do me a favor?"

"Anything," Harry replied.

"Live for us. Have loads of kids and loads of the things needed to get kids! Have fun, and don't let anyone push the guilt for others' actions on you."

"I promise," he said, pulling against his cord to give her a hug.

Petunia noticed he wasn't letting go as the keening noise got louder and he began to be pulled backwards. "Harry, you have to let me go."

"Nah," he said, squeezing her tighter as she tried to pull loose.

"Harry the portal is only set up for one soul!" Petunia warned him nervously.

"Yeah, ours," he replied, picking her up and leaping backwards, allowing the whirlpool to draw them both in.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The compartment door slid shut in front of him, but he barely noticed as he looked around for someone who wasn't there. "Damn, I was hoping that would work," Harry said.

While disappointing he was used to being alone so his plans remained the same: point out the falling standards at Hogwarts, blame Umbridge, withdraw, leave country before they could stop him. Hopefully Sirius would come with him, but if it came down to it, Harry would depart on his own; he'd sacrificed far too much for the Wizarding World and gotten far too little back in return, it was time for him to get a life, one he deserved.

"Hoot!"

Harry turned and saw Hedwig demanding he open her cage.

"OK, not completely alone," he admitted with a smile, overjoyed to see his familiar alive and well once more. He opened the cage and she hopped onto his shoulder and started trying to groom his hair. He reached up and stroked her as he made plans, completely unaware of the evil grin he was sporting.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"That was fun," Ron said sarcastically as they entered the compartment.

"Being a prefect is more than just throwing your weight around," Hermione said, "and fun or not it's part of the job you accepted when you put on the badge."

Harry paid the two no mind, absorbed in his game of chess.

"Hoot!" Hedwig declared, tapping a pawn on its head twice.

"Yes, Miss," the piece said moving forward two spaces.

"Bit of a ballsy move," the green pawn directly in front of the piece said.

"This is just the opening gambit," the red pawn replied with a grin, twirling its footman's mace, "ballsy will be when we lay down our new field of grass. A thin layer of green all over the board!"

The green pawn laughed. "I find blood the best fertilizer, so bring it on! If you're hard enough."

"I've never heard the pieces behave that way before," Hermione said, surprised.

"Normally we're just playing friendly matches," Ron said, "this is... a grudge match I'm guessing."

"Why are you playing a... grudge match against Hedwig?" Hermione asked Harry.

"It's not a grudge match, just one with a serious wager," Harry replied before sending his knight out.

The red pieces cheered as the red bishop spooked the green knight's horse, causing him to be bucked off.

On opposite sides of the board a pair of unguarded pawns tried to sneak forward in the excitement only to provoke the wrath of the queens of their respective territories.

The red queen rose up from the shadow of the green pawn. "Vae Victis!" she hissed into his ear before sinking her teeth in the side of his neck and drinking deeply. The green pawn struggled against the stronger piece but he was quickly drained and cast aside, turning to sand as he hit the board. Even the other red pieces nervously shivered as the green sand cascaded across their feet.

The green queen was more direct. "Imperious Rex!" she declared leaping across half the board to land directly on the poor pawn, crushing him into gravel and cratering the space he'd been standing on. She quickly used his remains to fill in the hole, smoothing the gravel with a delicate looking slipper clad foot.

The red bishop had the green knight pinned to the ground as he all but stood on his back, censer chain gripped in both hands as he strangled the knight to death. "And he who sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed!"

Red gave out a resounding cheer as the green knight's struggle ceased and he lay still under the red bishop.

"What did you bet?!" Hermione exclaimed in shock.

"Winner gets to decide what Hedwig's new name is, loser has to go to France," Harry replied absently as his familiar scanned the board with her predatory gaze, searching for an opening.

"Yeah, that'd do it," Ron said watching the game eagerly.

 **AN: I found R** **eptilia28's 'Don't fear the Reaper' challenge** **interesting and thought I might toss a couple of chapters at it.**

 **Typing by: Lohoydo**


	36. Filing Errors and Second Chances 2

**Filing Error** **s and Second Chances** **2**

 **Chapter 1 – AYASEMF 35**

Harry watched as the red queen slowly bent the green queen over and licked her neck.

"Looks like checkmate," Ron offered as the two kings hustled the entwined queens into the castle shaped box that the set came from.

Hermione quickly cast a silencing charm on the box, blushing bright red as the board and pieces slid back into the box, but it did not stop shaking or making... noises.

"Looks like you won," Harry admitted. "What do you want your new name to be?"

"Prek, prek, prek," Hedwig said proudly

After a few seconds of silence Harry spoke up, "I don't speak owl."

Hedwig turned and slammed her head into the window a few times, causing Harry to burst out laughing. She turned and deliberately waved one wing in an upwards motion at him.

"Did she just flip you 'the bird'," Hermione questioned.

"Yes she did," Harry said with a grin.

"I know I say this at least once a year," Hermione admitted, "but are we absolutely sure she isn't an animagus?"

"You've cast the spell to check, heck you taught me how to cast the spell," Ron pointed out, "she isn't an animagus."

"Maybe some other type of shape shifter?" Hermione suggested.

"Maybe," Ron conceded.

Harry just grinned, amused.

Hedwig turned to Harry and made a few clicking noises before managing a hiss that sounded remarkably like a snake.

Harry's eyes lit up and he hissed back, the two quickly getting deeply embroiled in their conversation in parseltongue.

"OK, I'm going to go with 'probably' now," Ron told her.

Harry turned and hissed at them with a big smile on his face.

"Merlin, that's creepy," Ron said with a shudder.

"English, Harry," Hermione reminded him.

Harry looked embarrassed for a moment. "Hedwig is changing her name to Dora Lily Potter," he said with a big smile.

"Good choice," Ron said after a moment's thought.

"How can she speak parseltongue?" Hermione demanded.

Harry shrugged. "Probably the same way I can," he guessed.

Dora hissed something making Harry laugh.

"She has a point," Harry said, "how hard can it be if snakes can do it?"

Ron hissed something experimentally and Dora puffed up and growled at him, much to his shock.

Harry quickly moved to restrain his owl. "He didn't mean it! I swear he'd never say something like that on purpose!"

"What'd I say?!" Ron exclaimed, shrinking back from the enraged owl's glare.

"You said she'd date a Malfoy," Harry told him, struggling to calm her down.

"I'd never say that on purpose!" Ron quickly blurted out. "I'm sorry!"

"See, he didn't mean it," Harry said, soothing his familiar.

"There's a word for Malfoy in parseltongue?" Hermione asked surprised.

"Upright walking albino ferret," Harry said, trying to keep a straight face but failing, as he burst out laughing which was quickly joined by Dora.

"Did I just get pranked by an owl?" Ron asked.

"Definitely running those checks," Hermione said, "she has to be fooling the spell somehow."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Harry ignored the whispering and gossiping going on around him with the ease of long practice and the knowledge that he wouldn't have to put up with it for much longer. But seriously Seamus was a huge prick. You'd think after living with someone for four years… Well, fuck him and his mum, the loudmouth little shit!

He frowned. He knew that in the end a lot of people had changed for the better, but in the mean time they were what they were, and that was really annoying. Plus there was no guarantees they would become better people as circumstances changed.

Hermione elbowed Harry in the side.

"What?" he asked.

"I tried calling your name several times, but you completely ignored me," Hermione said. "What are you so distracted by?"

"A strange thought," Harry replied. "Let's say someone treated you like crap and then straightened up and became decent to you once more as they got older and wiser. Now, let's say you went back in time to when they treated you like crap. Since you are back in time the future is going to change and there is no guarantee they are going to become better people," Harry explained and waited for her to absorb what he was saying.

"OK, I think I've got it," she said.

"Good, now the question is... do I treat them like the people I know they can become or the ignorant little... people... they are? Logically I mean," Harry explained.

Hermione worried her bottom lip with her teeth as she parsed his question and tried to figure out what he was really asking. "Well... I suppose its only fair to treat them as who they are, not who they could be, but if you're referring to the way events seem to happen every year-"

"You mean where I am blamed for something, disbelieved, forced to fight for my life and attacked by the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor?" Harry interrupted her.

"That's not quite correct," Hermione said embarrassed as she recalled her recent treatment of him.

"Name a year when these events did not occur," Harry replied.

"Well... I..." she sighed.

"Exactly," Harry said. "Every bloody year it is the same shite and I'm sick of it. So, here is my new rule for everyone, look after yourself, because I'm not going to do it for you. Troll loose in the school? Best get somewhere safe. Giant bloody snake turning people to stone? Consider the benefits of correspondence courses. Werewolf on the loose? Hope you can run fast."

"So if I'm in trouble you'll just leave me to die?" Ron asked with a frown.

"I'll report it to the staff, since according to rumor they are supposed to take care of things like that," Harry replied.

"I've only not believed you the once," Ron pointed out.

"Twice," Harry countered.

"This is so unlike you," Hermione said wide eyed as they entered the great hall.

"I was kept isolated and locked up with people I hate after being subjected to the cruciatus and having a friend die in front of me," Harry replied, "how should I be?"

Hermione shrank back, recalling her own part in his recent estrangement.

"Plus one of the people prosecuting me, who came up with that completely ridiculous and easily disprovable theory about squibs not being able to see dementors, was so vile I actually had someone get me a file on her to see if I'd accidentally killed her familiar with the way she was treating me. Turns out she's behind the smear campaign and is yet another pure blood bigot who actually believes muggleborns steal magic from pure bloods."

"Steal magic from pure blood?" Hermione asked, glad to change the subject. "How would that even work?"

"It wouldn't," Harry replied, "its just another sign that the Ministry is corrupt. That's what happens when you let rich Death Eaters escape punishment and influence the government for fourteen years."

"That is a problem," Hermione conceded.

"So, lets find out who Dumbledore has hired to try and kill me this year," Harry said as they sat at their house table.

"To be fair Lockhart only tried to wipe your mind and Lupin would never have tried to kill you if he was in his right mind," Hermione pointed out.

"You've got to be kidding me," Harry said as he stared at the staff table.

"What?" Hermione said, turning to follow his gaze.

"See the toad animagus in the pink sweater," Harry said, gesturing to the staff table.

"Yeah," Ron said, "she does look like one, doesn't she."

"She's the one who tried to claim squibs couldn't see dementors," Harry replied.

"Think she's the new DADA professor?" Ron asked.

"Can't be," Harry replied. "Her OWL in DADA was acceptable and she never got a NEWT, not even Dumbledore is crazy enough to hire her for a DADA professor, even if she is trying to kill me, unless that's the only qualification needed for the position these days."

"Here comes the first years," Hermione said, eagerly changing the subject as Hagrid opened the doors to the great hall and they all nervously entered.

"Man, they look like midgets," Ron said.

"Ron!" Hermione growled at him.

"What? They do!" he defended himself.

Harry grinned. He was going to miss these two, not enough to stay and get killed, but he'd miss them all the same.

 **A short time later...**

"... our new DADA professor, Madame Umbridge," Dumbledore introduced the new ministry appointed member of staff.

"Aw, hell no!" Harry said loudly in the silence. "Hogwarts' teaching standards has just fallen below what I can accept." He pulled out a quill and a piece of parchment as Dora flew down to land on his shoulder.

"Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore said, surprised at the unexpected outburst.

"I'm writing my formal letter of withdrawal," Harry said. "A DADA professor who not only does not have a NEWT in the subject, but only achieved an acceptable on their OWLs? No, I have had quite enough."

"I'm afraid you'd need your guardian's permission," Dumbledore said apologetically, already planning on how he could use Harry's attempted departure against Fudge's administration.

"I could say I was declared an adult by making me participate in the Tri-Wizard or trying me in front of the Wizengamot, but the simple fact of the matter is that as the last of my house I am automatically emancipated at age 15," Harry explained.

"You haven't taken your OWLs!" Umbridge exclaimed, eyes lighting up. "Returning to the muggle world before you take your OWLs legally requires the ministry to take away your wand and remove any knowledge of the magic world!"

"I'll thank you to keep your nose out of House Potter affairs," Harry said, glaring at the witch, "but if you must know... when did I ever say I was leaving the magical world?"

"But – but..." Hermione stuttered out before falling silent, too many questions struggling to get out all at once.

"I'm rich," Harry told her, "I'm going to hire tutors, ones who have at least taken their NEWTs in the subjects I wish to learn and preferably won't try to murder me sometime during the year."

"Oh," Hermione said falling quiet.

"What about your friends?" Ron asked.

"They can have a quiet year for once, since no one is up to anything and I won't be here to cause trouble," Harry said cheerfully, making Ron and Hermione exchange guilty glances.

"Prek," Dora said, reminding Harry to continue with the plan.

Harry rolled up his withdrawal notification and held it out for her. Quickly grasping it she delivered it to Dumbledore who looked at it sadly before accepting it with a sigh. "Have a nice day, I'll see myself out."

Chaos erupted behind him as he departed the great hall with a smile on his lips.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"They haven't set the password for this year yet," the Fat Lady said as Harry approached the portrait.

"I'll set it for you, just be sure to let the prefects know what it is," Harry offered.

"Thank you, I appreciate it," the Fat Lady replied, "I just don't feel right without a password."

"Constant vigilance," Harry said, thinking that they were going to need it.

"That'll be fine then," she said, the picture swinging open and allowing him access to the Gryffindor Dorms.

"You should have made it 'Books and cleverness' or 'friendship is magic'," Dora hissed at him from her place on his shoulder.

"Nah," Harry hissed back as he climbed the stairs, "they've been pretty good friends, especially considering what we've faced, rubbing their nose in things... any more than I already have, is a bit much."

Dora sighed. "Yeah, you have a point. I may be a wee bit mad at my own set and projecting onto them."

"Understandable," Harry replied as they reached his dorm room and he collected his stuff.

Dora tapped his trunk with a wing while hissing the spell name is parseltongue, causing it to shrink to the size of a pack of playing cards.

"That is so unfair," Harry said, sliding it in his pocket.

"You become part veela due to a potions accident and you can skip needing a wand as well," she teased.

"I think I'd rather stay male, fully, not just part or even mostly," he replied.

"Even if you got your very own set of breasts to play with?" she asked.

Harry paused to consider that making her burst out laughing, head bobbing up and down as she chuckled.

"How big are we talking?" Harry asked.

"Seriously?!"

Harry snickered at her wide eyed look of shock, amused that he'd been able to lie convincingly for once. "Man, I love occlumency!"

 **Typing by: Lohoydo**

 **Omake by: Lohoydo**

"Well, congratulations. You have your new name." Harry told Dora the next morning. "I guess that means I'm stuck going to France, aren't I?"

Dora barked a laugh while bobbing her head in agreement.

"Of course, since you're my familiar and go everywhere with me, that means you'll be going too, you realize," Harry continued with a smirk. "And, no, I don't have any mail for you to deliver to get out of the trip."

At this Dora froze, gaining a wide-eyed look. "Perhaps we should let that part of the bet slide?" Dora hissed cautiously, realizing she was trapped.

"You sure?" Harry replied, "I'm a proud Englishman, I wouldn't want it said I welshed on our bet."

Dora nodded vigorously at this.

"All right, as long as you're sure." Harry conceded. "Oh, actually, I would like you to deliver a letter to Sirius for me, you up for it?"

At this, Dora just glared at him for escaping the bet at her suggestion.

"Last I heard he's staying near Nice to take advantage of the nude beaches around there."

Dora, realizing she was heading to France anyways, just bit him.

 **AN: Good omake!**


	37. The Beginning of the end

**The Beginning of the end**

"We could just set the entire town on fire," Xander suggested.

"We can't just burn the town down," Buffy disagreed.

"Why not?" Dawn asked.

"Because the people... no, they've all left," Buffy realized. "Um Giles, tell them why not."

"I haven't the slightest idea why not, except for the usual reasons we don't imitate the Vikings," Giles admitted with a shrug.

"The Vikings had some fiscally sound ideas," Anya said proudly.

"This is your bad influence," Faith told Buffy, visibly amused.

"What?! How is this remotely my fault?!" Buffy demanded.

"Didn't you burn down your high school before you came here?" Andrew asked.

"It was just the gym and you be quiet, you're evil," Buffy reminded him.

"Nothing to add?" Dawn asked Willow.

"Yes!" Buffy said, perking up. "Willow! Tell them we shouldn't burn down the city!"

"Um... because we'd need at least a dozen people and two tanker trucks full of gasoline?" Willow offered.

"Half a dozen and one," Xander disagreed. "You forget, the police and military have left so we don't have to arrange any distractions."

"Distractions?" Spike asked. "Have you two already planned out how to torch everything?"

Willow and Xander exchanged glances.

"A bit," Willow allowed.

"How much is a bit?" Principal Woods asked.

"Every year since we were ten we've planned out burning this place to the ground and updated the plan accordingly," Willow admitted.

"Up until her first year of college when she became too busy to hang out and plan world domination anymore," Xander said sadly.

"You guys plot world domination when I'm not around?" Buffy asked, sounding hurt.

"Buffy, you're a hero, we can't exactly ask you to sit down and help us plan out something you would be honor bound to stop us from doing," Willow explained.

"You could have asked me," Dawn complained.

"You would have gloated about doing something secret with me to mess with Buffy," Xander said slowly carefully shaking his head, "and trust me when I say that plotting world domination would have been the very last thing she'd think we were doing alone together."

"Yeah, I can see that," Dawn admitted with a sigh.

"And back to the subject at hand," Giles said, visibly uncomfortable. "I don't see any moral reasons not to burn Sunnydale down to the ground."

"We should pack all our stuff and then steal everything not nailed down first," Anya suggested.

"Pillage, then burn," Xander and Willow chorused.

"Ah no Spike, don't worry about her little friends, Buffy is the dangerous one," Spike said in his fake Angelus voice. "Anyone Dru takes an interest in is dangerous," he said firmly.

"Is this about the whole 'kitten' thing?" Dawn asked curiously.

Spike chuckled. "It was her way of warning us not to turn him."

"I'm pretty sure she wanted to turn me," Xander said, recalling several times she tried to control his mind.

"Yeah, the destruction you'd cause would be glorious and unfortunately, we'd be part of that destruction," Spike explained. "Dru didn't exactly have a lot in the way of survival instincts."

"We're getting off topic," Giles pointed out.

"Right," Anya said. "Since Xander only needs six people the rest of us need to prioritize what to loot!"

"You're actually going to loot the town?" Woods asked, wondering if he had fallen asleep.

"And the military base," Xander added.

"Forget about that," Willow said, "OK, you'll only need four people if they haven't emptied all the fuel and munitions."

"How long do I have to plan out the most efficient way to pillage the town?" Anya asked.

"No need, I have a workable plan ready, I just need to alter it to take into account recent changes in the businesses downtown," Xander assured her.

"I have the program we used to come up with that on my laptop," Willow offered. "I've kept it up to date. I can have a new plan made up to account for the number of minions, I mean people, we have assisting."

"You've been planning without me?" Xander asked softly.

"No, No!" Willow quickly exclaimed. "I just kept the program up to date, I haven't planned anything. It was just so... if we ever ended up close like we were..."

"Planning world domination was your couple's activity?" Buffy asked.

"Kinda... sorta... yeah," Xander admitted. "We plotted together."

"You never plotted world domination with me," Anya said, hurt.

"You would have insisted we carry out the plans," Xander replied, "and that would have cut heavily into the amount of time we had scheduled for sex."

"Oh, OK," Anya said, all smiles once more.

"How is it I'm the evil one?" Faith demanded, shocked at how much had been going on behind the scenes.

"You tried to kill Angel," Buffy reminded her.

"Which completely made up for attempting to kill me," Xander assured her. "I consider it a push."

"You tried to kill Buffy," Giles said.

"So has Willow, Anya, and Spike," Xander pointed out. "Andrew was also part of a group who tried."

"You threatened to once," Buffy reminded him.

"I also gave you CPR," Xander pointed out. "Pretty sure I came out ahead in the not evil category."

"I resurrected you once so it's the same here," Willow added.

"You were trying to kill me and Spike so it's about equal," Anya decided.

"So why am I the evil one?" Faith asked.

"I'm sticking with trying to kill Angel, regardless of Xander's opinion," Buffy replied.

"You had sex with Xander," Willow said.

"What?!" several people chorused.

"Look at the people Xander has slept with," Willow said firmly.

"That is... weirdly possessive," Dawn said. "So, when I have sex with him I'm going to be the evil one?"

"Anya had sex with him last, I say she's the evil one," Faith declared.

"Agreed," Dawn and Willow chorused.

"You all suck," Xander said.

"I-You know what? Forget it!" Buffy sighed. "I'm the evil one, Willow give me the plan and let's get started.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Three school buses, with half the interiors ripped out, pulled to a stop outside Sunnydale city limits. The doors opened and disgorged a large group of people.

"Where's Xander?" Buffy asked.

"There," Faith said, pointing to an army halftrack sunk low on its axles that rounded the corner and was coming towards them.

It only took a moment to reach them and for the three people to climb out.

"So, how'd you guys make out?" Faith asked as she moved to talk with Woods.

"I'm pretty sure we have enough weapons and ammo to take over Detroit," Woods said, shaking his head.

"A bit of an exaggeration," Xander disagreed.

"Not much of one," Giles said. "While I admit many of these weapons are useful, the danger of getting caught with them makes the regular use of them unfeasible."

"Depends on the use," Xander replied.

Kennedy and Andrew climbed out of the back of the truck.

"Who gets to push the button?" Kennedy asked.

"Button?" Buffy replied.

"To set everything off," Andrew said.

Willow shook her head. "We knew we'd argue over a button so it's all on timers."

"It's almost nightfall," Anya pointed out. "When are they set for?"

"One minute after sunset, when all the demons peek their heads out of their holes," Willow replied.

"That's cruel, I like it!" Anya declared cheerfully.

"They'll relax, think they're safe, then-" Xander began

 ***BOOM!***

The center of town exploded in a tremendous ball of fire just seconds before a massive wall of flame sprang up around the town and started burning inwards.

"Good timing," Dawn complimented him.

Xander grinned.

"Is the ground shaking?" Andrew asked.

"Maybe we should move a little farther away," Buffy suggested.

"Like Alaska," Dawn agreed as everyone quickly rushed to their vehicles and started moving.

The ground shook and the burning city fell into the earth, water rushing in from the sea and causing a huge cloud of steam as it filled the burning crater where Sunnydale once stood.

It was another dozen miles before the group stopped at a rest stop and disembarked, sure they were far enough to be safe.

"Why is steam still rising from it?" Dawn asked.

"Thermite," Xander replied. "Well... thermite, magnesium, and ground up communal wafers."

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"I had to be sure," Xander said.

"No kill like overkill," Spike said, lighting a cigarette.

"Exactly," Xander said cheerfully. "Fire hot enough to melt steel should have no problem with vamps, no matter how tough they are."

"It also burns underwater so it can't be put out," Willow noted.

"The wonders of modern chemistry," Xander said with a wide smile. "Waterproof fire."

"If you could have gotten your hands on some plutonium, would you have built a nuke?" faith asked with a snort.

"Do you know how to build a nuke?" Buffy asked.

"Please let the answer be no," Giles prayed.

Willow rolled her eyes. "Please, it's not that hard to do."

"For you," Buffy said.

"For anyone," Xander disagreed.

"Oh lord, he knows," Giles groaned. "The world is doomed."

"It's not making a working nuke that's hard, it's making it efficient," Willow explained.

"Also getting the fissionable material together takes forever if you don't want to get caught," Xander added.

"So... you've tried?" Buffy asked carefully.

"Don't be silly," Willow said shaking her head, "we'd need at least twelve thousand dollars for the base materials before we started refining anything."

"And we only raised a tenth of that with three years of car washes and bakes sales."

"How am I the evil one again?" Faith asked in the silence that fell over the group.

"Did I just join an eviler group?" Andrew asked.

"Everyone is considered evil until they are running things, then they are the good guys," Willow explained.

"How is it you ended up assisting the Slayer if your goal is world domination?" Woods asked.

"More a hobby than a goal," Xander corrected him.

"Plus, just because we want to rule the world doesn't mean we're evil, we just think things would run better if we were in charge," Willow explained.

"And how does that mesh with vampire hunting?" Anya asked.

Willow shrugged. "We can't let our future subjects get eaten, that's just irresponsible."

"We want to make things better for people and that means power and control," Xander said. "Have you seen the kind of people who get into Congress?"

"So, the only thing stopping the two of you from taking over the world is the fact that you have to spend so much time helping Buffy save it?" Woods asked.

"Can't rule a world if there isn't one," Xander replied. "So, yeah, that does keep us too busy for any hobbies."

"We should be ruling half of Europe and all of North America by now," Willow said with a sigh, "but needs must."

"I don't buy it. You guys are putting us on," Faith said.

"Name a plan of ours that didn't work," Willow challenged.

"OK, now I'm scared," Buffy said.

"Why?" Willow asked. "A united world with us in charge is a big improvement over the disorganized mess we have today."

"Plus, we thought you might like to rule France," Xander said.

"France?" Buffy asked curiously.

"Fashion, food, the place that has Paris," Willow tempted her.

"The current politicians are pretty corrupt," Buffy allowed.

"Oh dear," Giles said.

"We were planning on having you marry into the Windsor family so the ruling line would still have that sense of continuity," Willow assured him.

"King Giles the first," Xander said.

"That's..." Giles fell silent and considered it.

"I never thought I'd be grateful to a Hellmouth for keeping people too busy to take over the world," Woods said.

"You mean that Hellmouth?" Faith asked, pointing to the pillar of steam behind them.

"So... you guys haven't actually worked on your plan for years, right?" Dawn asked.

"No, we haven't," Willow assured her.

"What was step one?" Dawn asked curiously.

Xander and Willow exchanged glances and smirked. "Loot Sunnydale and destroy it to cover our tracks," they chorused.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: I nearly busted a gut from laughing too hard when they convinced Giles.**


	38. A Plethora of SINs

**A Plethora of SINs : Self Insert Nerima**

John found himself naked and standing on an obsidian plane that stretched on forever, facing an indistinct glowing being. "Please tell me this is a CYOA," he begged.

"What else? No, don't answer that," the Random Omnipotent Being quickly said. "I've seen the way your mind works and have no need for more mental scars."

"Fine, but I want a boon," John requested.

"Are you trying to blackmail me before we even begin?!" the ROB demanded. "Rhetorical question I know how you mortals are, put out a red button that says 'delete reality' and one of you would press it just to see what happens. It makes you frustrating to deal with, but entertaining to watch. Fine, a small boon."

"Plus never quite trusting that we aren't dreaming when something strange happens," John pointed out, "which this really qualifies as."

"You know, most humans would just pinch themselves."

"I've had dreams where I felt pain and was convinced I was awake, only to realize pain didn't feel that way when I woke up and it was just my dreaming mind lying to me," John explained.

"Yeah," the ROB said slowly. "There is a reason I am staying out of your mind. What boon do you want?"

"I want the Disgaea character pack, not the setting, just the personal character sheet and item world ability," he explained.

"You want the GAMER ability?" Rob asked.

"No, its annoying," John disagreed, "I just want my own inventory and the ability to step out of time so I can relax and fuck off when I feel like it without actually taking up any time. Occasionally I just want a weeks vacation during lunch."

"You can get killed pretty easily in an item world," Rob said.

"I can get a full twelve hours sleep or complete a book without anyone interrupting me," John pointed out, "that's worth more than a little risk."

"Have you ever heard of time management?"

"Vaguely," John admitted, "but I'm not a fan."

"Fine, but I'm only doing this because it makes it more entertaining to me," Rob conceded.

John beamed. "Bring on the CYOA!"

"Fine, but I'm going to go the Elder Scrolls route," Rob decided. "In a fight which is the most important thing? A: strength of body, B: strength of mind, C: strength of morals."

"A followed by B followed by C," John replied.

"I thought you'd be more moralistic," Rob admitted, surprised.

"If you are already in the fight, all that matters is winning," John explained. "Figuring out which side is right is something you do outside the battle."

"That's not the correct interpretation of the question. I have tons of carefully crafted questions, but your twisted little mind is going to mangle them all to give me nonsense answers and skew everything, isn't it?"

"My answer is perfectly reasonable and logical," John argued.

"You knew exactly what the question was asking," Rob said flatly.

"Yes, but if I answered it that way I'd be lying, like saying Eggo waffles are round."

"Eggo waffles are round, hence the curved edge."

"The majority of it is composed of little squares, the fact that they are arranged to mimic a circular pattern and the mangled squares along the edge form a curve, does not change the percentages and the percentages say that Eggo waffles are well over ninety percent square, thus they are square."

"Your teachers must have hated you," Rob said.

"Everyone but the English teachers," John agreed.

"Why would the English teachers like you?"

"While most teachers are there to have you simply repeat what they say back at them, English teachers, unless they are burnouts, want to make you think and enjoy getting interesting answers," John explained.

"I actually understood that, which probably means I have spent way too much time with you," Rob decided.

 ***SPLASH!***

John sputtered and spit water out of her mouth as a dark-haired girl stood in the doorway with a bucket in her hands.

"IF you don't hurry up, we'll be late for school!" Akane Tendo complained.

John got up, wiping water off her face, confused and out of sorts. She remembered being both John Flint and Ranma Saotome, and while the John Flint memories were full of gaps, she identified much more strongly with them than the Ranma memories.

She transferred the wet futon and clothes into her warehouse before doing the same to all her stuff and equipping a set of clean clothes. "This is going to save me loads of time," John said before noticing Akane was still standing there staring at her in shock. John searched her memory, finding the right response. "New technique," she said, before slipping past her and into the hall.

John quickly ran through Ranma's bathroom routine, finding the warehouse saved him loads of time just as he'd thought with brushing his teeth taking the longest of his tasks.

"My, you seem cheerful this morning, Ranma," Kasumi noted with a smile as he sat down for breakfast.

"Figured out some things," John answered.

"Like what?" Nabiki asked curiously, always on the lookout for information to sell.

John held out a hand. "It'll cost ya."

Nabiki smirked and dropped a single, heavily battered, one-yen coin in his hand.

John grinned, appreciating the joke and balanced it on the tip of his right index finger. "Watch."

Everyone leaned forward and watched as the coin vanished.

"That wasn't a speed technique," Soun noted, "your hand didn't move at all."

"Illusion?" Genma guessed.

"Hidden weapons technique," Akane said, having seen everything he'd done earlier.

"Hidden weapons technique requires a combination of cloth and some pretty noticeable chi usage," Genma disagreed, "neither of which we've seen here."

The coin reappeared and then vanished once more before John lowered his hand.

"If I didn't know better I'd swear it was a variation of the thieves' cloak, but the control needed to cover even a small chi void to match the environment would be incredible," Genma said.

"It's magic," John replied, figuring it was a good cover for all the changes they were going to be noting in his behavior. "Running around searching for a cure to the curse has gotten me nowhere, so I figured I would come at it from another angle. It's probably going to take years, but I'll eventually get there."

"That's surprisingly humble coming from you," Nabiki said.

"There is stupid and then there is 'rush into learning magic as if it were as simple as using a water fountain after seeing all the ways it can go wrong from your idiot friends stupid'," John explained, "and while I can be stupid at times I am not 'rush into learning magic as if it were as simple as using a water fountain after seeing all the ways it can go wrong from your idiot friends' stupid'."

That actually got a snicker from everyone, though Kasumi tried to hide hers behind her hand.

"Plus magic requires a lot of..." John faked a shudder, "studying! You would be amazed how much math and science you need... so I'm looking at a long hard battle."

"You'd probably have better luck punching the curse out of yourself," Nabiki deadpanned, showing exactly how much confidence she had in Ranma's scholastic skills.

John rolled his eyes, but didn't explode in denials the way everyone expected. "I know my weakness and I'm working on it."

Genma nodded, satisfied with Ranma's answer and went back to eating, as did everyone else.

The rest of breakfast passed as usual, with the pair grabbing their lunches from Kasumi on the way out the door.

"So... magic?" Akane asked as they walked to school.

"I could hardly be a foul sorcerer without it," John replied, making Akane laugh.

 ***Ring*Ring***

Even knowing what was coming, John wasn't able to dodge in time and found himself in an Amazon glomp.

"Nihao!" Shampoo said gleefully.

"Good morning, Shampoo," John said, forcing down Ranma's immediate reaction to panic and struggle. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm on my way to school, so could you please let me go?"

Shampoo was so surprised she actually stopped rubbing up against him.

He sighed. "I know this is probably an Amazon tactic that works well on Amazon boys, but truthfully all it does is remind me of Kuno."

Shampoo shrank back, looking faintly nauseous as she released him.

"Thank-" John began, before Akane launched him skyward.

Shampoo turned and stared at a red faced Akane.

"It was reflex, OK?!" Akane snapped out.

 **o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

 ***SPLASH!***

John swam to the side of the pool and climbed out. She briefly considered changing into her normal clothes, but wanted to dry off first. "She may have a short temper, but she's got great aim."

"Quick change martial arts?" one of the nearby students guessed, seeing Ranma was in her bathing suit when he hadn't been while in the air.

"Pretty much," John agreed, heading for the locker room.

"Pigtailed girl!"

John froze for a moment, memories of Kuno's grasping hands causing waring thoughts of escape and violence. She quickly called the battered one yen piece to her hand and chose to enter the item world... just as Tatewaki Kuno grabbed her shoulder.

Reality shattered around them, dropping the two on a multi-terraced rock floating above a sea of chaos. A large stone statue of a one-yen coin stood atop the center of the island and a full dozen strange creatures lurked inside its boarders.

All of them turned to face the pair.

"What foul sorcery is this?!" Kuno demanded.

"The kind you can fight against," John assured him, searching and failing to find any geo-nodes.

"I feel you might be placing too much faith in me," Kuno admitted as a massive fury dragonlike creature bounded towards them.

John didn't suffer from Ranma's problem with finding the appropriate level of force, electing instead to open with a pair of vacuum blades at range. "Kijin Raishuu Dan!" she called out as she sung, her arms blurring with speed.

The creature exploded into sparks leaving not a trace behind.

"That was a lot easier than I thought," John said.

"Illusions?" Kuno guessed drawing his bokken and looking more than a little relieved.

"No, but not quite real either," John replied as she tried to think of how to explain things. "They'll be stronger and more solid, level by level, but we need only clear ten islands to return home."

"Strike! Strike! Strike!" Kuno called out, his bokken launching a series of wind cutters at an animated doll, which cracked and shattered into thousands of sparks.

"We should be OK," she decided, pleased that her choice of Disgaea-Gamer was working the way she'd hoped it was.

 **Several monsters later...**

"What are you waiting for?" John asked.

Kuno blocked another attack with his bokken, but couldn't bring himself to counterattack. "She looks like..."

John took a closer look at the cleric, Kuno was fighting. "She does look like me." After a few moments of thought she nodded. "I guess this is as good a time as any to see if I get some minions using the base panel."

"Pardon?" Kuno said, launching a halfhearted attack at the healer who responded with a holy electrical attack that worked like a supped up tazer but did nothing more than make his hair stand on end.

"If you wish to make her real, you have to weaken her as much as possible and then drop her in the base panel, that glowing white square over there," John explained, side stepping an archer's attack and kicking it in the crotch hard enough to make it dissolve.

"Truely?" Kuno asked hopefully, not even noticing as the blonde hit him with her staff, having run out of mana.

"Yep," John replied. "I can't tell you what she'll be like, but theoretically it should make her a real person or destroy her. We'll run into plenty more of her so either is fine."

"Destroy her?" Kuno asked nervously.

"She's still just an illusion at this point, a figure made out of smoke and light, easily broken. Only after she becomes real is she more than a fantasy," John explained.

"I... see," Kuno said slowly, as he considered matters, completely ignoring the cleric's attacks. "What would she be like as a real person?"

"No idea," John admitted. "Just remember, she'll be a real person whom you are responsible for, as she'll have no family or friends, having just come into being."

"That is a great responsibility," Kuno said with a grave nod, "but nothing ventured, nothing gained!"

"That's the spirit!" John encouraged him. Something about their present situation seemed to be making Kuno more agreeable than Ranma's memories suggested he would be, but even with that having a female to distract his romantic attentions to was more than welcome.

It took about five minutes of careful blows to whittle the healer down to a single hit point while John took care of the remaining monsters.

"Now what?" Kuno asked.

"Pick her up and toss her into the glowing white panel," John instructed.

Kuno sheathed his bokken and swept the blonde up in his arms, quickly leaping across the level to reach the base panel, dropping her in. The moment she vanished inside the panel it started to shake and rattle like there was a fight going on inside of it.

"Pokeballs make more sense," John said, just before the panel settled down and the sounds of coins pouring out of a slot machine filled the air while everyone's vision dissolved into chaos.

When reality reformed around them it was on a completely different island floating in chaos filled with monsters.

"It didn't work?" Kuno asked, sounding heartbroken.

"It worked fine," John assured him, "but I won't call her up while she's wounded, and we're surrounded by enemies."

Kuno's dispirited slouch vanished as he drew his bokken. "Indeed. Let me see what I can do about that!"

John grinned as she watched Kuno tear through their current level. It looked like getting to level ten was going to be easier than she thought.

 **Typing by: Lohoydo**

 **TN: Random Ominpotent Being? Or Random Omnipotent Bastard?**

 **AN: Yep!**


	39. HP - Unintended Consequences

**Unintended Consequences**

"Hello."

"What?" Harry's head jerked up and he looked around wildly before calming down, seeing the familiar sight of the Hogwart's Express around him.

"I said hello," the dark-haired boy across from Harry repeated.

"Erm... hello," Harry replied awkwardly wondering why the window showed only darkness outside the train. "Who are you?"

"I'm you," the boy replied.

"This... seems familiar," Harry said suspiciously.

"We stole the scene from that anime with the giant robots piloted by traumatized teens," the boy explained. "It seemed appropriate."

"I can see the parallels," Harry admitted, "but wasn't the other boy not actually him, but an angel trying to get in his head?"

"No idea," the boy said. "Anyway, we are already inside your head. You see, when the dementor tried to slip us some tongue it ate the dead baby that was keeping me chained in."

"What?"

"You heard correctly," the boy said, "a dead baby was keeping me chained up in here.

"You are making less sense as time goes by," Harry complained.

"I thought it would be funnier this way," the boy said, "but you're not even trying. There was an evil thing in our head dumbing us down and making us easy to manipulate, it resembled a dead baby."

"Alright, I get that," Harry said.

"The dementor that tried to play tonsil hockey with us sucked it out, as it was foreign and not as well connected as we are," the boy replied.

"I can see that happening," Harry allowed.

"Thus every bit of Harry Potter that it kept locked away is now free, along with all the bits other people did as well," he finished.

"Other people?" Harry asked.

"There are spells all over the damn place," he said. "Some of the spells are beneficial, but far more are malign even if the casters never realized it."

"Give me some examples," Harry said.

"Alright, there are countless spells scattered about Hogwarts repressing everyone's libidos with the mental command attached 'it's not proper to make 'A' baby until after graduation'."

"OK... that's a bit heavy handed, using mind control to prevent people from shagging, but it's not too bad," Harry said.

"I shouldn't need to spell this out for you," the boy complained. "Think about it."

"Well you emphasized the 'A' but what effect could..." Harry's voice trailed off and his eyes widened. "Please tell me you're joking! Please tell me the reason most couples only have a single child isn't because of something that stupid!"

"Wish I could, but most couples only have 'A' baby after graduation and any others are accidents," the boy said. "The passage outside the Ravenclaw dorm has 'knowledge is important, memorize all you can'."

"What kind of cock-up does that cause?" Harry asked.

"Don't be lazy figure it out yourself," he said.

"You are me and thus I have, give me the answer please," Harry replied.

"Fine, I'll give it to you," he said with a grin. "Ravenclaws don't add to knowledge, they only memorize it. The most brilliant people in the wizarding world invent nothing, too wrapped up in trying to memorize everything that's already known."

"Suddenly the magical world makes a lot more sense," Harry said.

"Actively malign ones are ones like 'muggles do nothing of worth, they are beneath you'," he said.

"Slytherin dorm?" Harry guessed.

"Great hall," the boy replied.

"That's... a problem," Harry said.

"Yes, it is," the boy agreed. "Now what we are going to do is join together, restoring all the bits of 'us' that have been repressed."

"I don't feel like anything's been repressed," Harry said doubtfully.

"Remember Aura Jensen?"

"The girl in those really, really short shorts who jogged past the Dursley's at six forty-seven every Saturday morning while we washed Vernon's company car?" Harry asked. "I may remember something about her; a bit."

"When's the last time we cranked one out?"

"What? It was..." Harry began to seriously frown. "OK, I'll give you that one. What else you got?"

"We get to learn magic and you're treating it like a fuckin' chore for the Dursleys!" the boy growled out, green eyes flaring. "The power to do anything we want, including ditch the Dursley's forever and what do you do?!"

"I... fuck!" Harry buried his head in his hands.

"Now you're beginning to see it," the boy... Harry's other half said.

"What do we do?" Harry asked.

"I... I'm not sure," Harry's other half admitted. "I figured we'd become one person again once you knew and accepted it, but I'm guessing it's not that quick a process. I'm thinking we'll slowly merge or at least I hope so. I guess we'll find out as things progress."

"Yeah, I-"

 ***SLAP***

Harry glared at Ron. "What did you do that for?!"

"You passed out, I had to bring you around," Ron explained.

"Why?" Harry asked, rubbing his cheek. "Is something going on?"

"No, I guess not," Ron admitted, "but we needed to know if you were OK."

Harry nodded and got up. "That's a decent reason."

"So, are you OK?" Ron asked.

"Just fine," Harry replied, "a bit cold and my cheek hurts, but pretty good otherwise."

"That's alright then," Ron said relieved, before pressing a chocolate bar into his hand.

"You alright, Hermione?" Harry asked, checking on his bushy haired friend.

"So cold," Hermione said with a shiver before moving close to him. "You're warm!" she noted with some surprise before leaning in to hug him. "Really warm!"

Shortly Harry found himself sandwiched between Ginny and Hermione, with Luna on his lap.

The new defense professor returned and seemed amused by the situation. "And what's going on here?"

"He's warm," Ginny said.

"Being close drives away all the bad memories and thoughts," Luna added.

"He's better than chocolate," Hermione said.

"High praise," Remus said, clearly amused. "How are you feeling, Harry?"

"Pretty good," Harry admitted, trying to ignore the voice in his head that was suggesting various things he could do to warm up more.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0  
**

'Anti-wanking charm,' the voice in Harry's head reported as he climbed into bed. 'Several in fact and two to prevent wet dreams.'

Everywhere he went he ran into compulsion spells and the little voice in his head listed them off and kept them from affecting him. The sheer number of them was mind boggling and explained why wizards seemed so easily confused and weak compared to their ancestors, most of their energy was tied up in fighting off compulsions.

A few minutes later he felt his bed shift as a pair of familiar faces climbed into his bed, shutting the curtain behind themselves.

"It's easier to think near you," Ginny whispered.

"A lot easier," Luna agreed.

"How'd you get into the tower?" he asked.

"Walked," Luna replied, making herself comfortable on his chest.

"I am breaking so many rules," a female voice worried as she pushed through his curtains. "Harry? I'm seeing a lot more than just one person here."

"Shh," Ginny shushed Hermione, pulling her inside and pushing her into Harry's side.

"What have I stumbled into?" Hermione asked in shock.

"We are going to sleep with Harry," Luna explained. "Aren't you here to do the same?"

"What?! No!" Hermione exclaimed, Ginny's hands over her mouth keeping her relatively quiet. She reached up and pulled Ginny's hands off her mouth. "I was just going to sleep... actual sleep... with him."

"Same, now shh!" Ginny whispered, snuggling into Harry's side once more.

"Harry, do you know why I feel better around you and able to think more clearly?" Hermione whispered.

"Sleep now, questions later," Luna whispered.

"Compulsion spells are negated close to me," Harry whispered back, "now let's get some sleep."

"I... alright," Hermione agreed.

Harry slept peacefully and when we woke up he found himself alone. 'Where'd the girls go?'

'What girls?' the voice in his head asked.

'Luna, Ginny, and Hermione,' Harry thought back at him.

'That was a dream.'

'What?'

'I negated the anti-wet dream compulsions,' the voice reminded him.

'Wet-dream-' Harry began then frowned as he realized why his pants felt so wet and sticky.

'Scourgify is an easy enough spell,' the voice hinted.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Morning Harry," Hermione said as he came down stairs. "Ready for breakfast?"

"Starving," Harry said, wondering what Hermione had done differently this morning as she was looking quite good.

"Ron still asleep?" she asked, as the pair headed out.

"He said anyone who didn't milk the 'attacked by dementor' excuse to sleep in was mental," he reminded her.

"That boy," Hermione said shaking her head.

'Why in the world would someone place a compulsion on the stairs to dislike the French?' the voice in Harry's head asked as he entered the Great Hall and found his attention drawn to the dozens of girls scattered about.

'What is wrong with me?' he mentally asked, frowning as he realized what the answer was.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked, concern in her eyes as she laid a hand on his arm.

Harry couldn't help but notice the smell of her shampoo and the way her robes curved... "Imagine there were compulsion spells to suppress hormones and then one day those spells broke."

"Is that why I'm having a hard time not pulling you into a closet?" Hermione asked, before blushing bright red as she realized what she'd said.

"The spells snapped on me... and anyone close to me," Harry said, as the little voice in his head let him know it was because his aura was actively degrading the compulsions on the people around him.

"So, you're feeling the same way," she said, looking relieved and breaking out in a bright smile.

"Um... yes," Harry admitted.

"I say we put off breakfast and examine a particular closet I've discovered that only exists if one of your socks has slipped down into your shoe," Hermione said reasonably.

Harry was about to decline, not wanting to take advantage of his best friend when the little voice in his head spoke up outraged, 'How dare you assume she is less capable than we are! We are clearly able to say no under the same influence, so she can as well! Your assumptions that she is less mentally fit than we are sickens me!'

"If you're sure, I'd love to," Harry admitted.

"Good, because I have this list of... thing's I've heard about that I'd like to test," she said taking his hand and dragging him off.

Harry happily followed along, unable to believe what was happening. He pinched his cheek to make sure he wasn't dreaming... and woke up in bed with sticky pants.

"Dammit!" he cursed before grabbing his wand and scourgifying himself.

He got ready for the day once more, meeting Hermione in the main room.

"Ron still in bed?" she asked.

"Hermione, do you know of a closet that you can only find if one of your socks has slipped into your shoe?" Harry asked, ignoring her question.

"Of course," she agreed, wondering why he'd asked.

Harry opened his arms wide and gave Hermione a hug, just enjoying the feeling of her in his arms.

"Harry?" she asked curiously, hugging him back.

"Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?" he asked as he held her.

"No?" she said shyly, confused and embarrassed.

"You are, bar none, the best friend I have ever had," Harry told her. "In fact, you are the closest person to me in every sense of the word."

"Wow," Lavender said, having come down the stairs with Ginny. "What do I have to do to get a hug like that?"

"Treat Hermione well and there's nothing I won't do," Harry told her as he released a blushing Hermione.

"Nothing?" Lavender teased with a grin.

"Nothing!" Harry said firmly, making her eyes widen.

"You can't shag my roommates just so they'll treat me better!" Hermione exclaimed scandalized.

"You totally can," Lavender assured Harry.

"The better we treat Hermione, the better you treat us?" Ginny asked Harry.

"Definitely," Harry said with a firm nod.

Ginny grabbed Hermione and kissed her passionately, stunning everyone. She released the flushed and breathless girl nearly half a minute later. "Well?"

Harry nodded, stepped forward and did his best to match what Ginny had just done. Ginny enthusiastically complying and adding a fair amount of groping in the process.

"Mama likes," Lavender said, licking her lips and eyeing Hermione.

"What?" Hermione asked in confusion before Lavender pounced on her.

After Lavender received her snog, Hermione managed to dodge Ginny. "Hold up!"

Everyone turned to look at her.

"What is going on here?" she asked.

"We are acting our age," Harry offered, "plus I am trying to be more open about my feelings."

"I think you're succeeding," Lavender told him with a broad smile.

As Ginny used Hermione's moment of distraction to kiss her and feel her up, the little voice in Harry's head wondered if he should let him know he was awake.

'Nah,' the voice decided.

 **TYPING BY: Lohoydo**

 **Typist's Omake:**

"Treat Hermione well and there's nothing I won't do," Harry told her as he released a blushing Hermione.

"What, nothing?" Lavender teased with a grin.

"No, nothing!" Harry said firmly, making her eyes widen.

"What, nothing?" Ginny grinned as well.

"Well, hardly anything," Harry allowed.

At this point, several other members of Gryffindor who were scattered around the room turned and joined in the conversation in chorus, "There's hardly anything he wouldn't do. So, give three cheers and one cheer more for the horny captain of the Gryffindors; so, give three cheers and one cheer more for... the captain of the Gryffindors!"

 **TN: One bonus point for knowing the reference. 3 bonus points for having though of this while reading the actual scene above.**


	40. Enemies with Benefits 2

**Part 1 :** **And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments** **Chapter 32 **

"It's air tight," Ron reported. "Not only are they complying with the law and paying their taxes, they are overpaying by two point five percent."

"Why would they pay over?" Kim asked.

"Because the IRS would know they were paying too much and would refuse to audit them as it would cost the government money," Betty Director replied with a sigh, "preventing yet another angle of attack."

"If you were Number's Guy, what would you do?" Kim asked Ron.

"Slowly move them more and more legal projects until they were no longer criminals," Ron replied. "Their misuse of intelligence is almost as criminal as their actions."

Betty laughed. "I completely agree with you. Sadly, I doubt our enemies will be so thoughtful."

"And what would you do if you were Number's Man?" Ron asked.

"What would I do?" Betty asked thoughtfully. "Well… moving them into more legal concerns is useful, I think I would set them against other supervillains as well. You see, the type of people who become supervillains aren't just satisfied with money and a nine to five job, they need action and excitement. Let them conquer one another and waste their aggression on deserving targets."

"Like who?" Ron asked.

"I know of several small island nations that were taken over by criminals," Betty Director said with a shrug.

"Ron, please tell me you're not…" Kim trailed off, staring at him wide eyed.

"Not what?" Ron asked nervously, wondering if she'd just figured it out.

"Not going to use your relationship with Shego to manipulate them," Kim said.

"What?" Betty asked, surprised.

"Kim!" Ron said, shocked. "You know me better than that!"

"You're right, sorry," she apologized.

"I would never manipulate someone I was involved with to do something like that," Ron said. "I will admit however that I would provide her with the intel needed so she could pull off what Betty wanted done."

"How is that different?" Kim asked.

"Because he wouldn't be manipulating her," Betty Director said thoughtfully.

"Exactly," Ron agreed. "Regardless of what Number's Man wants, if I can convince our supervillains to become assets in a way that benefits them, it would be moral to do so."

"You are willing to do this?" Betty asked Ron.

"If I have your word the intel is good and it's not a trap," Ron said. "I don't do betrayal."

"A laudable attitude," Betty Director said. "How close are you to Miss Shego?"

"When we are not facing each other across the battle field we sometimes… spend time together," Ron said delicately.

"A win-win situation," Betty Director said with a slowly growing smile before turning to Ron. "I'm putting you through seduction training personally!"

"What?!" Kim exclaimed, wide eyed.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Ron put his bag in his locker and retrieved his books for first period.

"I can't believe you slept with our boss!" Kim exploded, causing the school hall to fall silent as all eyes turned towards the pair.

Ron groaned. "Dammit KP! Are we going to have this talk again?!"

"What?" Kim asked before realizing what she'd done. "Uh… sorry."

"I did not sleep with Betty," Ron said.

"Oh, it's Betty now, is it?" Kim asked.

Ron glared at Kim. "She trained me, that was all."

"In how to seduce women!" Kim exclaimed.

"Will you please stop yelling those things out in public?" Ron demanded.

"Sorry," Kim apologized.

"He's been trained in how to seduce women? Him?" Bonnie said in disbelief.

"I wonder…" Tara trailed off, blushing bright red.

"Wonder what?" Bonnie asked.

"I wonder what he knows how to do now that the average high school boy doesn't," Tara said, fanning her face with a folder.

"Him?" Bonnie repeated, her brain blue screening.

"I have no idea why you are so… into my love life," Ron told Kim.

"I thought you hadn't slept with her," Kim quickly jumped on the discrepancy.

"I haven't, but you assumed I had," Ron replied.

"Are you telling me a seduction course doesn't involve sex?!" Kim demanded.

"Seduction is a lot more complicated than just sex," Ron said.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Begin," Betty Director told Ron, gesturing to the manikin in front of her.

He turned to the cart next to him, scanning the various dating paraphernalia before picking up an order of nacos. "Hey pretty lady, I see-"

 ***SMACK***

Betty Director made the mannequin slap him. "I'm not one of your naco tramps! I am a lady of class and sophistication! Now, seduce me!"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"And what all did it involve?" Kim demanded.

"Most of it's classified, but man did it make my jaw sore," Ron complained, closing his locker and heading for class.

"Wait up!" Kim exclaimed, hurrying after him.

Bonnie struggled to hold up Tara who'd fainted.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"So… I hear you like older women," Monique said as she joined them for lunch.

Ron sighed.

"Yeah, totally my fault," Kim admitted.

"So, what's the scoop?" Monique asked eagerly.

"I took a seduction class and Kim went nuts over it," Ron explained.

"Betty Director personally gave you seduction lessons, that's a big deal," Kim said.

"Are you going to start taking seduction missions?" Monique asked, causing Kim to freeze in shock.

"Doubtful," Ron said, and Kim started breathing again. "Bett- I mean, the Director just did me a favor by teaching me some things I needed to know is all."

"And was hard on your jaw?" Monique asked with a grin.

"And my wrists," Ron agreed. "I was only using two fingers, but my entire wrist ended up sore!"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"There is a single oil coated olive at the bottom of this jar," Betty said, gesturing to a jar barely wider than his wrist. "You must remove it without tilting the jar while only using two fingers!"

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I imagine so," Felix said as all the girls stared at a clueless Ron.

"Well, I'm off," Ron said, finishing his lunch. "I gotta go practice some things."

"Felix, smack Kim please," Zita asked.

"What?"

"She's froze up," Zita explained.

Felix nudged Kim.

"What?" Kim asked, shaking her head and coming back to reality from wherever her mind had been.

"And Monique," Zita added.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I thought you were done for the month," Shego said as Ron entered the lair, carrying a couple of folders.

"I was, but then I got called in by Global Justice to investigate myself," Ron replied.

"What?" Shego asked.

"They have me as public enemy number… twenty five, as everything I've been doing is making the criminal underworld more effective," Ron explained. "Of course, they can't touch me because it's all legal which is causing them ulcers."

"Seriously?" Shego asked, amused.

"Seriously," Ron said, "they have no idea that I'm 'The Number's Man'."

"That is too funny," Shego said as they headed for her personal break room.

"While I was explaining how everything you guys have done lately was legal and untouchable, I pumped Betty Director for info on what Global Justice couldn't touch you on that was profitable," Ron explained, setting the folders on the table and raiding the mini-fridge. "Ah, pudding cups!"

"Yeah?" Shego said before sitting down and opening the folders.

"I'm not making any money if you guys are in jail," Ron explained, as her eyes widened at what she was reading.

"Is this for real?" Shego asked in shock.

"Double and triple checked," Ron assured her. "I even had to come up with some new tricks to distract her just so I could be sure of the intel."

"New tricks?"

"Watch this," Ron said, he pulled the foil off the pudding cup and leaned in. A second later he held up a completely clean pudding cup. "Came up with that while she was teaching me seduction techniques."

"Yeah, that would do it," Shego said, stunned.

'Mystic Monkey Tongue,' Ron thought cheerfully.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Ron is looking pretty interesting lately," Monique told Kim.

"What? Not you too!" Kim complained.

"I thought you weren't interested in him?" Monique asked.

"I'm not," Kim said quickly, "but that doesn't mean I wanna see everyone else drooling over him either."

"Like Tara?" Monique asked.

"What?!"

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: "Begin," Betty Director told Ron, gesturing to the manikin in front of her. (TN: Oh geez, a Spy and Scout reference. XD)**

 **AN: That was a great scene!**


	41. Customer Service

**Customer Service**

Xander looked at the name of the store and shook his head. 'Can they be any more obvious?'

The bell above the door rang as he entered the shop, attracting the attention of the shopkeep, an attractive redhead in her early twenties who looked like she was going for the librarian look, but failed by being far too attractive and well built. She smiled broadly on seeing Xander enter the shop and as she took a breath, Xander could almost swear he heard the buttons on her shirt creak under the pressure. "Good afternoon and welcome to Careful Wishes. Is there anything I can do to you?"

Xander's libido tried to speak up but fortunately his common sense was well rested from lack of use and managed to beat it to the punch, "I certainly hope so. Do you deliver? And does gift wrapping cost extra?"

"Why of course we deliver and we provide wrapping free of charge," she said brightly.

"Excellent," Xander said with an evil grin that made her step back for a moment before she remembered herself and moved forward, being sure to lean on the counter to 'accidentally' display as much cleavage as possible.

"Do you know what you want?" she asked, licking her lips.

"Three orders, two gift wrapped and delivered," Xander said, forcing his eyes upwards. He took out his wallet and laid four twenties on the counter. "I need a car polish kit, delivered to my favorite principal, a jar of old fashioned hair crème, delivered to a really good friend of mine, and last but not least… a small TV with built in VCR for myself."

The redhead grinned broadly, practically vibrating in place before leaping to get the order together. "Any idea what you want the cards to read?" she called out from the backroom.

"To principal Snyder, may this gift bring you as much pleasure as your presence does the student body and to Angel, may your outsides match your insides," Xander said, deciding to go with some trite sayings to make it harder to figure out who sent it.

"No signature?" she asked, poking her head out of the back.

"Let it be a surprise," Xander replied.

"Alright," she replied with a smirk.

Xander left five minutes later carrying a portable ten inch TV, shaking his head. "Amateur hour; she didn't even ask for their addresses."

 **Three Days Later**

The redhead's jaw dropped as Xander entered the store. "What? How?!"

"I wish to lodge a complaint," Xander said.

She backed away from the counter, wide eyed, glancing at his hands to make sure they were empty.

"Relax," Xander said, "I'm not lodging a violent complaint, I'm trying to figure what went wrong with my gifts."

"Um…" She bit her lip, completely confused as nothing like this had happened before. Usually someone would return, there was a battle, the store burned to the ground and she rebuilt somewhere else. Rarely did she slip out of town quietly and never did anyone show up to calmly talk things out.

"Snyder seems happy with his gift and Angel is still the same old over-gelled twit as always," Xander explained.

"What?!" She shook her head. "That's impossible. Those gifts were cursed seven ways from Sunday!" She froze and eyed Xander, but he looked annoyed and not surprised in the least.

"I know, and I'm telling you they have done fuck all to those assholes," Xander said seriously.

"You knew?" she asked, shocked.

"Of course I knew," Xander said. "Now, what curses were on the items and how did they fail?"

"How did yours fail?" she asked, before realizing that asking why he was still alive may not have been the smartest thing.

"I knew what I was getting into, it's been a lot of fun," Xander replied, "but that shouldn't apply to them. What were the curses?"

"The car polish kit should have made him obsess over his car, causing stress in his personal life until his significant other snapped and killed him," she explained.

"He's a loathsome troll with no one in his life," Xander explained, "so that's no good."

"No one?" she asked, surprised.

"Unless a dog counts," Xander replied.

"No, gotta be a person," she said with a sigh. "I could pull a Cujo, maybe."

"It's a poodle," Xander said, "even rabid you can just punt one."

"Well… fuck," she cursed.

"How about Angel's hair gel?"

"After he uses the gel he'll become entranced by his own reflection," she explained, "unable to look away. He won't eat, drink, or sleep, passing away within days."

Xander sighed. "Angel doesn't have a reflection."

"What?"

"He's a vampire cursed with a human soul, all he does is mope, gel his hair, and flirt with high school girls," Xander explained.

"You know some strange people," she said, shaking her head.

"Tell me about it," Xander muttered.

"How did you survive?" she asked.

"It sucks the watcher into the movie and has some sort of compulsion on it to make them want to watch horror movies," Xander replied, "why would that be dangerous?"

"Horror movies have monsters…" she offered.

"The people in horror movies have the combined IQ of a boiled carrot," Xander replied. "Besides, most movies are only ninety minutes long, that's not really a lot of time. I have more than enough time to have sex, grab lunch, and find a safe place to wait out the rest of the movie."

"You're joking," she said.

"Jason is slow, Freddie requires you to fall asleep, and Mike Myers is barely more than human," Xander explained.

"I can see your point," she admitted. "The compulsion was only for the first tape played," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but every horror movie has a gorgeous, busty, easy chick who flashes her boobs," Xander explained.

"You could just pop in a porn," she suggested.

"Now that almost killed me," Xander said with a shudder.

"What?"

"I accidently popped in a six hour porn marathon," he said. "I almost died of dehydration."

"I… I…" she sighed and her shoulders slumped. "I think I'm going to have to relocate."

"Business not going well?" Xander asked.

"You've been my only customer," she admitted.

"Yeah, this is the Hellmouth, most of the people here have a sixth sense about these things," he said. "I'd suggest Washington DC, plenty of corrupt politicians and their aides, just begging for a curse."

"Now there is an idea," she said, perking up.

"Well… I'll just let you get to that, I've got stuff to do," Xander said.

"Thanks!" she called out while Xander was leaving.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"How'd it go?" Buffy asked, as Xander climbed in the van, the various Scooby's leaning forward to listen.

"Like clockwork," Xander said, "three items, three failures, and she's on to the next town."

"Would have been a lot easier just to kill her and torch the place," Buffy said.

"That would have been quicker, not easier, and far more risky," Xander disagreed.

"At least it's done now," Willow said. "Now, we just need to get rid of the cursed items."

"Not a chance," Xander said.

"What? Why not?" she demanded.

"Because Snyder is too obsessed with his car to harass us nearly as much and Angel likes his infinite jar of hair gel," Xander replied.

"You cursed Angel?!" Buffy screeched.

"Cursed his reflection," Xander pointed out.

"Oh," Buffy said, calming down.

"And yours?" Oz asked.

"I get to enter movies," Xander replied. "No way am I giving that up."

"How is that a curse?" Faith asked.

"There was a spell that made me want to watch a horror movie," Xander replied.

"And you fought it off?" Willow guessed.

"No, I played a horror movie, stole a pizza from the big party at the lake, and heckled the killer while he was killing off all the morons," Xander replied.

"I got some movies I wouldn't mind entering," Faith said thoughtfully.

"Bring em over," Xander said. "So far I've only been in four movies and the rules are pretty simple. You pop in dressed in clothes appropriate for the movie, everything you were wearing is left behind. You pop out naked, leaving behind everything you had on you."

"Were you hungry once you came out?" Faith asked.

"No, still full from the pizza. Why?" he asked.

"Because if what you ate didn't vanish… ever seen 'The Goonies'?" Faith asked with a grin.

"The Goon… the scene where one of the Coreys swallows all those jewels," Xander realized.

"If the only requirement is inside the body… we could smuggle out a butt load," she joked.

"Only if you have the porno version of The Goonies," Xander joked.

"Did they actually make one?" Faith asked.

"Wanna hit the local video store and see?" Xander replied.

"Yes, yes I do," Faith decided with a grin.

"We can use my place so we don't disturb your parents," Willow offered, surprising Oz who notably did not object.

"Drop me off on the way," Buffy said, deciding not to get involved.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Oh the author in me has me drooling over all the ways this could be abused… Lightsaber 'dildos', magic potions/wands, using the VCR to record TV shows and people playing video games, using a camcorder to record special moments, or using a camcorder to let you review a situation directly if necessary like a hands on pensieve, and if the spell not only dresses you but gives you what you need to pass off as one of the actors literally, then you could straight up get magic from Hogwarts. Oh! And you could just use a recorded five-minute clip in case you want to get something particularly dangerous but don't want to be in the situation for too long. Or you could go into the amateur movie business and have one of your props be a Potion of ULTIMATE POWER or some such. So many possibilities…**


	42. Vantablack Harry

Harry sighed and stared up at the ceiling of his cupboard. A little light leaked in under the door, just enough to make out the walls of his prison.

Sunlight flooded the tiny room as Petunia opened the door. "Oh for fuck's sake," she groaned. "Must you mope about in there?" She handed him the vacuum which he stuck next to the brooms.

"I like it, it's brilliant," said the thin little boy, dressed in over-sized clothes that were clumsily dyed black, as could be noted from their patchy quality.

"Yes, but I'm going to be in and out of it all morning getting the cleaning done," Petunia said. "Why not go outside and play?"

"Play?" Harry whined.

Petunia rolled her eyes. "Boy," she said, affecting a sneer Billy Idol would have been proud of, "go help – I mean go earn your keep by working long tortuous hours in the hot sun pulling weeds in the back!"

Harry Potter smiled brightly and almost hugged her before remembering himself and quickly slouching, letting out a put upon sigh. "I suppose if I want to eat, I have to."

Watching him quickly rush out back to help Vernon with the lawn she shook her head. "Why did he have to choose to be Goth?"

"Hi Mom," Dudley said as he entered the house, returning early from rugby practice.

"How'd it go?" she asked, noticing the grass stains on his practice clothes.

"It went great!" he said enthusiastically. "I'm not as big as half the members of the team, but I'm a lot quicker. I scored three times, and even though my side still lost the coach was impressed."

"Good to hear," she said with a broad smile. "I'm going to be starting lunch shortly. Do you want to help me or help your Da and Harry in the back?"

"I'll help them with the greenery," Dudley decided. "Besides, Harry needs me to call him a list of things to set the mood for something he wants to write. I just have to find where I put the list he gave me."

"Have fun, dear," Petunia said, shaking her head. "I never should have let him go to that acting camp."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Dumbledore watched eagerly as Ravenclaw's quill addressed this years students. "Parkinson... Potter," he read out loud as he snatched up the envelope only to frown as he read the address. Was Petunia really so petty as to stick her nephew in a cupboard?

The elder wizard sadly shook his head. He'd hoped for better, but as long as Harry was alive and healthy he would just have to do his best to make Hogwarts a home for the boy.

Nodding to himself he set the envelope with the others and started making plans. 'I'll enlist Hagrid and Molly...'

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I think the Ren Faire people are going a bit overboard this year," Harry said as he read his Hogwarts letter.

"May I?" Vernon asked, holding out a hand for Harry's letter.

"Sure," Harry said, passing it to him.

"It's your Hogwarts letter," Vernon told him. "It's supposed to arrive on your birthday, but it's not those play fighting people you like, this is the real deal."

"But magic doesn't exist," Harry said, shaking his head.

"It does," Petunia said. "I promised you I'd explain things when you turned eleven and even though it's a week early, the time has come."

"I've still got a tenner on your parents being psychic assassins for the crown," Dudley reminded him, making his parents laugh.

"I'm still betting aliens or time travelers," Harry replied.

"Go get your photo album," Petunia told him.

"Be right back," Harry said, before sliding out of his seat and running upstairs to his bedroom.

"Bet you your allowance they aren't psychic assassins," Vernon offered. "Double or nothing?"

"Vernon!" Petunia groaned.

"What?" the broad-shouldered accountant said, leaning back in his chair with a wide grin. "It'll be a good lesson for him."

"Here," Harry said, holding out an old fashioned leather-bound photo album to his aunt.

"Watch this," she said. Placing her hand on the cover she said, "Flowers bloom in the spring," and opened the album.

The two boys stared in shock.

"That's like ultra-high tech," Harry said after a minute.

"It's not any kind of tech," Petunia disagreed. "It's quite literally, magic."

"Aliens or time travelers sounds more reasonable," Dudley offered.

"While my sister may have mentioned time travel once, she complained about a twelve-hour limit," Petunia assured them. "Lily Potter was a witch."

"So I don't have psychic powers?" Harry asked, a bit disappointed but still trying to process everything.

"There may be some of that mixed in," Petunia allowed, "but what you definitely have is magical powers."

"But I can psychically talk to snakes," Harry pointed out.

"You can magically talk to snakes," Petunia corrected him.

"He's a witch, burn him!" Dudley said enthusiastically.

"He's a wizard," she said.

"He's a wizard, burn him!" Dudley said just as enthusiastically.

Harry grinned. "I'll turn you into a newt."

Dudley shrugged in response. "I'll get better."

Petunia rolled her eyes as the boys chuckled.

"It says 'I'll await your owl'," Harry noted. "I don't have an owl."

"Magical people use owls as a postal system," Petunia explained.

"And none of them has a lick of common sense or foresight," Vernon added. "They probably didn't even consider the fact that you wouldn't have an owl."

"Could buy one from a pet shop," Dudley suggested.

"Nah, they have special owls, you can't just get one out of the forest and tie a letter to it," Vernon replied.

"Too bad, though I'd have gotten a raven," Harry decided.

"Like that's a surprise," Dudley said. "But if you were getting one you would have to get two and name them Huginn and Muninn."

"I was thinking more Edgar Allan Poe and less Odin," Harry told him.

"How long do you think it'll take before they realize they need to send someone?" Petunia asked.

Vernon sighed and shook his head. "Probably a couple of days to a week or more, you know how they are, and they'll also end up making a mess of things as well."

"I don't want them coming here," Petunia said firmly. "They always change things and forget we can't change them back!"

"So we need to go someplace where we don't care if stuff gets messed up?" Harry asked hopefully, before exchanging excited looks with Dudley.

"Oh Lord," Petunia groaned, realizing what this meant.

"It'll be fun," Vernon tried to cheer her up. "It'll almost be like camping,"

"I have camping," Petunia groaned, while the boys cheered and Vernon muttered something about fishing with a glint in his eye.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"The family castle," Vernon joked as he piloted the small boat into a hidden cove on the back of the island.

"I still say pirates are better," Dudley argued with Harry.

"I will accept them as goth-like," Harry allowed, "but not better."

"Parrots can talk," Dudley pointed out.

"So can ravens," Harry said. "You gotta split their tongues or something when they're little, but then they can."

"You'd think cutting your tongue would make it harder to speak," Dudley said.

"I know, it's so cool!"

"I wonder if it works with people," Dudley said.

"Don't know, something to look into," Harry told him. "No way I'm going to cut my own like that, I'd need a doctor."

"Yeah," Dudley agreed. "A split tongue would look wicked though."

"Yeah," Harry agreed, "it'd be kinda snake like."

"We'll set up the tents by the grove," Petunia decided, "they're a good wind break."

"What about the castle?" Harry asked, giving his aunt his best puppy-dog look.

"Fine," she said with a sigh, "you may camp out in the shack."

"I'm staying in the tent," Dudley said. "It's actually colder in the castle than outside."

"Looks like a storm's rolling in," Vernon said. "The fish are always biting after a good storm."

"I am surrounded by crazy people," Petunia said, her long red hair blowing in the wind.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Harry grinned as the fire guttered out in the fireplace. He wrapped the threadbare blanket tightly around himself. He considered getting the sleeping bag from the closet, but wearing his goth clothes, i.e. Dudley's cast offs that Harry had dyed, over his newer ones kept him pretty warm.

It was almost midnight and Harry's breath was fogging the air, and the wind and rain was howling outside. It was perfect.

Harry took out his journal and was preparing to write when something started hammer on the door

 ***BOOM***

 ***BOOM***

 ***BOOM***

On the third knock the door came off its hinges and fell into the front room.

"Oops! Sorry about that," a fur and leather covered mountain apologized as it ducked and turned sideways to come in the hole where the door used to be.

Harry stared up at what was the largest man he'd ever seen in his life and a beard that would have made a mall Santa feel inadequate.

"Wait just a tick," the beard's man said before turning, picking up the door, and putting it back in a way that prevented it immediately falling back down as the howling wind attacked it.

"Happy Birthday, Harry!" the man said cheerfully as if he hadn't just appeared on an island in the middle of nowhere in a humongous storm.

"Erm... thanks," Harry offered lamely.

"I baked ya a cake, hold on and let me find it," he said going through his pockets and pulling a pink box out of one. "I may have sat on it at one point, but it should still be good."

Harry accepted the box and opened it up to find it did indeed have a partially squashed cake with 'Happy Birthday Harry' written on it in green icing. The thought that it wasn't very goth looking and goths probably didn't enjoy cakes was quickly crushed beneath the just now eleven year old's hunger for cake.

"This is brilliant, thanks!" Harry said grabbing a handful of cake and eating it.

The huge man beamed. "I've come to deliver your Hogwarts letter," he explained. "I'm Hagrid, the Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts, but you'll know all about that I expect."

"Not really," Harry replied. "My aunt and uncle aren't magical and said they couldn't talk about it until I got my letter, and that even then they didn't really know much."

"Ah, yeah they wouldn't know much," Hagrid realized. He pointed a pink parasol umbrella at the fireplace and said, "Ignitus," causing a small fireball to shoot out and start a blazing fire despite the lack of fuel.

Harry would have pouted about him ruining the mood, but truthfully the warmth was welcome. He'd wanted cold and dreary, but who knew it would be that cold? Being goth was hard work!

"I suppose I should begin by telling you about your folks..." Hagrid decided

 **The Next Morning**

"Storm's broken," Harry noted.

"Guess we should be headin' to the alley then," Hagrid said before yawning and stretching, causing the couch to collapse. "Oops!"

"I guess I should go tell my aunt and uncle then," Harry decided.

"Where are they?" Hagrid asked, not having registered till now that Harry was here alone.

"They got a tent set up in the cove," Harry replied.

"And they made you sleep in this drafty shack?" Hagrid said in disbelief.

"Hey, I happen to like my castle," Harry said indignantly. "Besides, I own it! Uncle Vernon gave it to me since my aunt hates it."

"Oh, well that's all right then," Hagrid said, embarrassed.

"Anyway, I'll be right back," Harry said.

Hagrid nodded absently as he considered how to make up for his mistake. Looking at the battered old shack that Harry considered a castle he began to grin. He'd never been the best spellcaster, putting far too much power into his spells and having too little control, which made him perfect for things like seige spells, which sadly weren't of much use these days, rather than household charms and the like.

However, he had studied up on them and there was a certain grand transfiguration spell that was designed to turn a castle into a broken-down shack, much like the one he was standing in, that he knew by heart, even if he'd never gotten a chance to cast it. In fact, he knew it so well he could cast it backwards and forwards.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Harry," Vernon said as he looked up at the 'castle', "did you say anything about the castle to the wizard you were meeting with?"

"Just that it was mine and I liked it, why?" Harry asked before turning and staring in shock.

"Bloody wizards," Petunia said, shaking her head.

"Our castle," Dudley reminded him.

Harry nodded. "Yeah, but it looks like we're going to have to pick favorite rooms all over again."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Hagrid looked at the four story, twenty room keep and sighed. He knew he was out of practice in spellcasting but still, only ten-foot ceilings? He was seriously going to have to practice on the sly back at Hogwarts.

 **Typing by: Lohoydo**

 **TN: I'm REALLY glad Dogbert didn't write the accent for Hagrid as heavily as most folks do.**

 **AN: The idea behind this is simple, what if the Dursleys were normal people and Harry was just really, really overdramatic about everything?**


	43. Customer Service 2

**Customer Service 2**

"Where are we?" Willow asked.

"At the well that lead down to the tunnels," Xander replied. "Its a central theme to the plot for the original so we appeared here."

"Really?" Faith asked.

Xander shrugged. "Fuck if I know."

"Alright," Faith agreed, pulling him close.

"Time out!" Willow exclaimed. "We're in public here!"

"Whoa! What was that?!" Faith demanded.

"Oh yeah, porno logic," Xander said. "Sorry, I've always been alone in here before. This world runs on porno logic so you have to remind yourself of that fact or you can get caught up in things really easily."

"So, if I ordered a pizza..." Oz asked.

"A shapely female would show up and you'd either lose your wallet or she'd get the order wrong and sex would be used to smooth things over," Xander explained.

"But all you did was say something that could be consider an offer if you squinted really hard," Faith pointed out.

"And could also be considered a sex based pun," Xander explained. "It's all about bad comedy and sex."

"I make sex based comments all the time," Faith reminded him frowning.

"This movie is only eighty-six minutes long," Xander said, "you've got this."

"I can watch my words," Faith agreed. "OK, now what?"

"Now we climb down the well and head for the treasure," Xander said.

"Didn't they enter under an old restaurant?" Willow asked.

"Yes, but this allows us to skip half the tunnels," Xander explained. "We want to get to the treasure before the main characters."

"This is also past the scene with the octopus," Oz added.

"I don't recall a scene like that," Willow said.

"It was a cut scene that never made it into the movie," Xander said, "but they probably included it in this one."

"Good call," Faith said examining the well and finding a series of rungs bolted into the stone. She easily made her way to the bottom despite the black leather miniskirt and high heel shoes she had on.

It was a large chamber with several exits and a large pile of coins directly below the well opening.

Xander followed her down, his sneakers kicking up a small pile of coins and water as he moved. "All clear," he called up.

"Those shredded jeans are really retro," Faith said, chuckling at the way they were dressed.

Xander blushed and moved away from the ladder as Willow climbed down. "Just be glad it doesn't physically change us or we'd both be sporting 80's hair."

"And pubes for days," Faith agreed.

"What?" Willow asked as she straightened her white micro-mini skirt.

"Faith was giving thanks to the fact that we aren't being altered, just dressed differently," Xander explained as Oz joined them.

"I could rock a mullet," he deadpanned, getting a laugh.

"On you junk?" Faith asked.

Oz blinked. "Point to you."

"I feel a draft," Willow complained.

"Where should we go?" Xander asked quickly.

"We have three random tunnels and a heavy wooden door," Oz said.

"Door," Faith said.

"Door," Willow agreed

"Knock on wood," Oz suggested. Willow made a fist and playfully swung at his groin before realizing what she was doing.

Xander grabbed the metal ring and pulled the door open, displacing a small section of coins and causing a small wave of water.

"Rough-hewn stone tunnel with pre-lit torches," Faith said, "I think we're on the right track."

"Who lit the torches?" Willow asked as they entered the tunnel.

"Porn logic," Xander replied.

"Like how everyone is clean and ready all the time and clothes tear away easily," Faith said thoughtfully.

"Exactly, all the little details take care of themselves," Xander said.

"How does that even work?" Willow asked, as they entered an underground cavern with a pirate ship in it, illuminated by sunlight shining through a hole in the top.

"I thought it would take longer," Faith said surprised.

"Sex scenes move very little and repeatedly," Oz noted.

"Meaning they'll be stopping to bone at each new area," Faith realized.

"I thought we'd get some female ghost popping up to challenge us or some complicated traps we had to figure out," Willow said, sounding a bit disappointed.

"That sounds more like _Scooby Doo_ than _The Goonies_ ," Faith said.

"I must be wrong then," Willow quickly said.

The four walked across the dock and up the gangplank onto the ship, eyes peeled for traps or intruders, but found nothing.

"Captain's quarters?" Faith guessed, gesturing to a door that was just off the main deck.

"Yeah," Xander agreed.

Oz pushed the door open and everyone stared. The room was at least three times the size it should be and mounds of treasure were piled high on a table, spilling onto the floor. The flickering light of oil lanterns gleamed off the gold and jewels.

"Holy shit!" Faith exclaimed.

"Gems are more valuable than gold for the most part," Willow said as they approached the table, Oz closing the door behind them.

"Some of this has to be antique," Xander said, picking up a handful of gold coins and letting them run through his fingers.

"Those would be the exceptions," Willow agreed, picking through the treasure in front of her for all the gems she could find.

"I'd avoid the pointy ones," Faith said, seeing willows choices.

"I'll stick those in my mouth," Willow replied.

"Real pearls," Oz said, holding up a long chain of misshapen pearls on a string.

"I always thought pearls were round," Xander said.

"Ditto," Faith agreed as she moved around the table grabbing whatever caught her eye.

"The round ones are cultured pearls," Oz explained. "They stick a hollow plastic sphere in an oyster and it's just a little bit of actual pearl over plastic, these are a thousand times more valuable."

"Pearls just moved up the list," Faith said cheerfully.

"Keep an eye out for black pearls, they are really rare," Willow suggested.

"Is that a vibrator?" Xander asked, pointing at an eight-inch gold tapered cylinder.

"They didn't have batteries back then," Willow said picking it up. "It's hollow." She opened the base.

"Fill it with jewels, it'll help save time packing to leave," Faith suggested, before spotting another one and filling it with a mix of gold necklaces and jewel encrusted rings.

"Don't hurt yourself doing this," Xander said, "we can do this multiple times, this is just a test run."

"I think I'll stick with as many pearls as I can fit in my mouth," Oz said, comparing strings of pearls and finding one that had a number of black pearls on it as well.

"Usually it's the guy giving the girl a pearl necklace," Faith joked before freezing and looking around nervously.

"Relax," Xander told her, "as long as you know they are trying to affect you, you can resist the rules. I found that out at Camp Crystal Lake when I had the urge to do a number of stupid things, like get high and wander off into the woods to pee rather than use a nearby bathroom."

"I think I have all I can … pocket," Willow said. "What now?"

"Hide under the table and wait for the final scene," Xander replied. "We'll wait until the movie is almost over before... pocketing everything."

"It'll be a lot more comfortable," Oz agreed.

"So... we just wait for an hour?" Faith asked.

"We could play cards," Xander suggested.

"Got a deck on you?" Faith asked.

"No, but that's easily fixed," Xander replied. "Watch this." He took several deep breaths with his eyes closed before opening them and smirking. "Hey babe, why don't we play a little... strip poker," he said, licking his lips.

Faith grinned and pulled a deck of cards out of her jacket. "I'm game if you are." She shook her head and stared at the cards in her hand. "What the fuck?!"

"Want to, yes, but first you gotta convince my girl," Oz said with a leer.

"Focus people," Xander said snapping his fingers.

Oz blinked and shook his head. "That was weird."

"Porno rules, if we need something to advance the plot or set the scene, it'll show up," Xander explained. "You just have to play along."

"That was harder to break," Oz noted.

"I think that's a combination of more people being involved and it being something we wouldn't mind," Xander guessed.

"Wouldn't mind?" Willow asked surprised.

"Guys are hard wired to like girls going at it," Faith replied with a laugh.

"What's better than one naked woman?" Xander asked Oz.

"Two naked women," Oz replied.

"Oh," Willow said suddenly understanding. "Guys don't get as jealous over two women because they can't reproduce and he's not being displaced, instead its allowing him additional mating opportunities!"

"Heh," Faith said, "that would explain a few things."

"You could probably write a paper on that," Oz said.

"It'd never get published," Xander said, "despite how right it is."

"The research would be loads of fun," Faith joked.

"And I'd have fun providing those loads," Xander agreed as he nuzzled Faith's neck, before forcing himself to step back. "And how about those Mets?"

The teens laughed.

"Every comment I can think of to say about my making comments is just asking for trouble right now," Faith said, shaking her head.

"Let's hide under the table and play cards in silence," Oz suggested.

"Good idea, because suddenly all the comments in my head are just as bad," Xander agreed.

They gathered their treasure and ducked under the table, finding more than enough room to sit comfortably and play cards.

"I bid my jacket," Faith said, tossing her leather jacket into the center.

"I thought that was just a way to get cards," Willow said.

"It probably was," Faith agreed and Xander nodded, "but it's going to be easier to load up to leave if we're already naked, and we're exiting naked anyway."

"Oh yeah," Willow said. "Fine, I'll bid... these high heel shoes, which are a really bad choice to go treasure hunting in."

 **An hour and ten minutes later...**

The four blinked and looked around Willow's living room, before spitting mouthfuls of gems into their hands, coins falling out of Oz's armpits as he moved.

The saliva coated gems were soon joined on the coffee table by two glistening gold dildos and a string of pearls.

The three turned to Oz.

"I clenched my butt cheeks around them. I figured flesh wrapped fully around an item might work," Oz explained, as he retrieved the coins he'd dumped from the floor.

"Normally I'd be really shy," Willow said, "but we have hundreds of thousands in pirate treasure on my coffee table and I've been fighting the urge to jump who's closest for the last hour and a half. Oz, let's go to my bedroom, please."

"Sure," Oz said grabbing Willow's hand and following her up the stairs.

"I ain't had the best luck with guys I've slept with," Faith told Xander honestly, arguing with herself over what she should do.

"How about we jump into a porn and scratch the itch with other people so it doesn't get complicated?" Xander asked.

Faith let out a relieved sigh. "I'm game."

"Good, because it was a two for one sale," Xander said, popping _Poonies 2: Nostalgia Revisited_ out and sliding in _Scooby Doo XXX_.

Faith picked up the box and laughed, before taking a closer look. "Is it just me or does Daphne look a lot like Buffy?"

 **Typing by: Lohoydo**

 **TN: If clenching in buttcheeks works, you could just hold a number of gems or small objects in your hands as well. Just use both hands together to get more space.**


	44. Customer Service 3

"What movies did you go into?" Faith asked, as they relaxed on Willow's sofa.

"Well, since I knew it would be trapped, I had planned on not using it, but then I got a slowing growing urge to watch a horror movie." Xander chuckled. "Choosing which movie was dead easy. I grabbed a copy of Friday the Thirteenth, figuring it was the safest."

"How is that safe?" Faith asked.

"Not safe, safest," Xander corrected her. "I figured I'd be stuck in whatever movie I watched, unable to escape. Jason always dies and is pretty much stuck at Camp Crystal Lake, so I just needed to survive to the end, not do anything stupid, and go somewhere else in that world."

"And?" she asked curiously.

"And I immediately started following the horror movie rules without realizing it," Xander admitted. "I nailed the hot but easy chick, had a beer and some pizza, and naturally Jason popped up."

"At least you got some first," Faith said.

"That was my thinking as well," Xander agreed. "Everyone else did all the classic stupid moves, while I just relaxed and heckled him. After fighting vampires, Jason isn't really that hard to dodge."

"You were waiting for the hero to kill him, so all you had to do was not get caught," Faith realized.

"Jason avoids the lake itself, since that's where he first died, plus I'd completely own him in the water," Xander said confidently. "I grabbed the remaining beer, weed, and pizza, canoed to the center of the lake, and waited."

"And were completely stunned to find yourself in your room at the end of the movie," Faith said.

"Yep," Xander agreed. "Once I sobered up I realized I'd done a lot of very stupid things that were perfectly in genre."

"What was your second movie?"

"Austin Powers," Xander replied.

"Why that one?" she asked.

"It was a new release and pretty harmless," Xander replied. "I didn't know if the VCR would work again and I needed to watch it before I returned it anyway."

"So how'd it go?"

"Terrible," Xander said. "I popped in dressed as a henchman and he kicked my ass!"

Faith burst out laughing.

"It's ridiculous," Xander growled out. "He says 'judo chop' and makes an awkward hand motion and I'm knocked ass over ankles!"

Faith laughed so hard tears were coming from her eyes.

"Naturally I couldn't let that stand," Xander said.

"Naturally," Faith choked out, wiping tears from her eyes.

"So I popped in Wayne's World," Xander said.

"How'd that go for ya?" she asked.

Xander shook his head. "Garth came out of nowhere!"

Faith leapt to her feet and sprinted for the bathroom, just as Oz and Willow returned with pizza.

"What was that all about?" Willow asked.

Xander shrugged. "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

Faith returned a few minutes later. "Sorry, almost wet myself there."

"Anyway, comedy movies have their own rules as well and they vary more than most movies," Xander explained.

"They type of movie as well as the plot," Oz said.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "Now, I had entered Friday the Thirteenth and followed the rules until I realized I was being stupid. Austin Powers showed me the movie reality does its thing no matter what you think and Wayne's World hammered the point home."

Faith grinned and helped herself to pizza.

"Now, I thought I'd try something different," Xander said. "So I grabbed the tape of my fourteenth birthday party."

"Didn't Jessie record over that?" Willow asked.

"Yes, yes he did," Xander agreed. "Six hours of Japanese school girls."

"That's why you missed school!" Willow exclaimed.

"I was so sore I could barely move," Xander said. "I tried a couple more things, but none of them worked, so it seems the setup is pretty simple. It has to be a professional product that had wide spread release, which you have to have in its entirety, no clips," Xander explained, grabbing some pizza.

"How are we going to turn the gold and jewels into cash?" Faith asked.

Everyone exchanged glances.

"No one thought of that?" Faith asked.

"Giles would probably be able to put us in contact with someone," Oz offered.

"Yeah, I'm sure Slayers have tripped over treasures before so the Council probably has a convenient way to turn gold into cash," Willow agreed.

"If we really need cash fast, we can go into movies with large amounts of cash lying around rather than treasure," Xander pointed out.

"I could use a couple grand," Faith said. "The motels around here suck and I wouldn't mind having my own place."

"Pick any zombie movie and we can mug them," Xander suggested.

"Or we could just go into a movie about horse racing and bet on the winners," Oz said.

"A much safer idea," Xander agreed. "I guess any movie with a lot of betting and cash payout would work."

"The Black Stallion?" Willow asked hopefully.

"We'd end up dropped in the ocean as the ship sinks," Oz said, recalling part of the movie.

"Hot to Trot," Xander said, "It's a comedy and no one gets killed or lost at sea."

"Speaking of," Oz said.

"Yeah?" Xander asked.

"Did you know that those outside the TV can watch what's going on?" he asked.

"Oh… really?" Xander said, embarrassed.

"You aren't going to snitch to Buffy, are you?" Faith asked.

"No…" Willow trailed off, blushing.

"What she's trying to say is, we'd like a turn in the Scooby Movie," Oz explained.

Faith grinned, relieved.

"And we never mention this to Buffy," Xander said, receiving a trio of nods.

 **The Next Day**

"That's a bit harsh," Xander said as he saw the whiteboard Buffy had setup with a complete breakdown of Cordelia's strengths and weaknesses with Xander listed under weakness.

"What? No!" Buffy waved her hands. "I mean like chocolate."

Xander raised an eyebrow and Buffy groaned.

"Fine, I mean socially I can attack her for having dated you, since you aren't popular AND that you can be used as a distraction because even if you aren't dating, she still has a thing for you."

Xander considered that and shrugged. "Fine, I guess that's not really an insult, but I hate the whole social scene so I won't be helping you."

"Please?" Buffy asked, putting a hand on his arm and giving him puppy dog eyes.

Xander leaned in close and Buffy's eyes widened in shock, expecting him to make a move, but he whispered in her ear, "Not a chance," and walked off with a grin.

Buffy just stared. "Am I… losing my touch?" she asked Willow, worried.

"No, he just really hates the high school scene," Willow replied, knowing that was technically true. She definitely wasn't going to tell Buffy that having sex with her doppelganger made you really resistant to any of her manipulations.

Buffy let out a sigh of relief. "I was worried there for a second. "OK, what have we got from the chess team?"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"You've cleaned up nicely," Harmony told Xander as she looked him over.

Xander looked up from the foreign movie catalog he was going through. "You actually mean that," he said, surprised.

"If I'd known you had this kind of potential, I wouldn't have given Cordelia such a hard time," Harmony said.

"Bullshit," Xander said, amused. "To become Queen, you have to dethrone the current Queen, and you'll never be satisfied with second best."

"You say the sweetest things," Harmony said, touched.

"If you came over here to get me to help you, you are wasting your time, I avoid all these social disasters," he reminded her.

"You don't want to get back at Cordelia?" she asked, surprised.

"This breakup last week was a lot better than the first one," Xander assured her, "so I'm not holding a grudge."

"Wow," she said, unsure of what else to say.

"Besides, Cordelia and Buffy are concentrating on knocking each other out of the running, so you could easily slide in under the radar and take the crown, as long as you don't attract their attention."

"How did I not see that?" Harmony asked, stunned.

"You're too close to it," Xander suggested. "Just be cheerful and friendly and I'd give you good odds on winning."

"Thanks, I'll do that," Harmony said. "Who are you voting for?"

"If I'm cornered, and we both know I will be," Xander admitted, "I'll have to vote for one of them. Thankfully, I can play dumb and hormonal and claim that I have to vote for Cordelia since she's let me see her breasts. Buffy won't try to match that and will accept that I voted with my penis. It's the only way I'll avoid getting either of them pissed at me."

Harmony laughed. "That is priceless. Well, I'll see you around, even if I won't talk to you except maybe to snipe."

"I appreciate your honesty, also your legs," Xander said.

"Thanks," Harmony said with a beaming smile before she left.

Cordelia just happened to drift over to Xander's table. "What did she want?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"To remind me that my voting choices were between you and Buffy and I had better make the right one," Xander replied.

"And that is?" Cordelia asked.

"I've seen your breasts, obviously I have to vote for you," Xander replied, matter-of-factly.

"Boys," Cordelia muttered before walking off with a pleased smile she was completely unaware of.

Xander went back to looking through his catalog. "I wonder if Faith's busy tonight, I could use some company who isn't caught up in all this high school drama. Well, at least tonight should be quiet except for the bitching."

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	45. Priorities

**PRIORITIES**

"So, the whole world ends in a zombie apocalypse?" Xander asked.

"It looks that way," Giles agreed.

"Can zombies swim?" Xander asked.

"No... I don't believe so, why?" the elder British man replied.

"Because we could set out to sea and wait however many months it takes for the zombies to fall apart from rot or insects," Xander pointed out.

"That... is a very good point," Giles said thoughtfully, as he took off his glasses and cleaned them.

"How long do we have?" Xander asked. "I mean, are zombies going to crash through the door in the next five minutes or is it next month during the dark of the moon?"

"We have just twenty-two hours," Giles said. "Possibly an hour or two less due to the presence of the Hellmouth."

"Alright, so we have to get as much money as possible and stock up on supplies," Xander said.

"And the matter of a boat?" Giles asked.

"We arrange a seven-day rental of a tug boat and barge," Xander replied.

"And barge?" Giles asked.

"Tug boats are easy to operate and hard to damage," Xander explained, "but they don't have a lot of storage. We get a barge we can easily chain down a number of storage sheds filled with supplies and still have room for... any number of things."

"How much do you think we'll need?" Giles asked.

"Everything," Xander replied instantly, "not that money will matter in the end, because when we do return to land money will be worthless."

"I, yes, I see what you mean," Giles said. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths before opening them again. "You seem remarkably calm and knowledgeable about what to do."

"I've seen tons of zombie movies," Xander replied with a shrug. "I can also handle nuclear war and alien doppelgangers."

"I wonder if those movies were written for that reason," Giles said.

"No idea," Xander replied, "but I guess it doesn't really matter at this point."

"No, I suppose it doesn't," Giles agreed.

"We should be planning what to take and who," Xander suggested. "Also, I'd call the council and tell them the plan as well."

"Yes, I better get started on that," Giles agreed, slowly walking into his office deep in thought.

Xander started a list of things they'd need and could buy along with a list of things they'd need and have to steal, probably at the last minute while everyone was running around screaming and dying.

"What are you doing?" Willow asked as she and Oz entered the library just ahead of Buffy and Angel and saw Xander furiously scribbling away.

"You do know we've been juggling apocalypses, right?" Xander asked, not looking up from his work.

"Yeah," Oz said cautiously sensing something big was going down.

"Do you think we were the only group juggling?" Xander asked.

"I did, but I'm guessing we weren't," Buffy admitted.

"Not by a long shot," Xander said, adding items they'd need to deal with Oz during a full moon to his list.

"What's all this?" Willow asked, glancing over his lists.

"I don't know how many groups were out there juggling apocalypses," Xander said, "but it was kinda inevitable that someone would drop the ball at some point and that point was about forty eight hours ago. We have about eighteen hours maybe more, but best not to chance it, before it hits."

Buffy grabbed Xander's shoulder and forced him to turn and face her. "What is going to happen?"

"The dead are going to rise," Xander said bluntly, finally focusing on them. "All of the dead."

"A zombie apocalypse?" Oz asked in disbelief, showing emotion for once.

"As cliché as it sounds, yes," Xander replied. "Thankfully its limited to humans, maybe primates, Giles wasn't sure. Anyway, this isn't something we can fight, but it is something we can survive."

"How?" Angel demanded, grabbing Buffy's hand.

"By going to sea," Xander explained. "Zombies aren't immortal, between insects and mold they should all be gone in about six to nine months tops."

"A werewolf is too dangerous to have in close quarters," Oz said.

Willow turned to Oz horrified at the thought of leaving him behind.

Xander snorted. "We don't have to worry about noise or being discovered. We can put a harness on you and hang you over the water. Worst thing that can happen is you fall in the water and we make you dog paddle until morning."

"Oh," Oz said, surprised.

"Plus, we'll have Angel and Buffy on hand to help prevent any problems," Xander reminded him.

"You're not going to complain about Angel?" Buffy asked.

"No, we don't have time for it and he has his uses," Xander said.

Xander not complaining about Angel brought home how serious the situation was to the rest of the group.

"Money is about to become completely worthless, so don't bother trying to save any," Xander said. "I'm planning on setting some pre-fab buildings on a barge and filling them with supplies."

"A barge?" Buffy asked who'd pictured a cruise ship or a yacht, not having any other experience with going to sea.

"Basically, a floating dock the size of a parking lot," Xander explained. "We slap a tug boat on it and we have plenty of room for supplies."

"You think big," Oz said.

"We can rent U-Hauls, pack all our stuff and drive the trucks on-board," Xander said. "Two-day rental is cheap and there is enough room in the back of a fifteen-foot truck to set up your bedroom comfortably and they have up to twenty-six-foot trucks available. Toss everything in a truck and you can sort it at sea."

"how big is a barge?" Buffy asked.

"The one I have just acquired is seventy-six point two meters long and twenty-two meters wide," Giles said as he came out of the office. "It is a load line barge, whatever that means."

"It means it is large, flat, and certified for international shipping," Xander said, looking relieved. "Did you get a tug to go with it?"

"Two," Giles replied. "I said I'd like a spare and they were more than happy to oblige."

"How big is it in real measurements?" Buffy asked. At Giles confused look she said, "You know, feet?"

Giles sighed and rubbed his temples, muttering about bloody Americans before answering, "Two hundred and fifty feet long and seventy-two feet wide."

Buffy's eyes got wide. "That's huge!"

"A little under a third of a football field," Willow said, "which gives us plenty of space."

"If we had more time we could save a lot of people," Xander said, "but we don't have the time or the money. The most we can do is grab as much supplies as possible and those closest to us."

"My parents..." Willow said paling, as she realized they were far beyond her reach.

"Call and tell them... something," Xander suggested. "Lie and make up something believable. If they can lock themselves in a fallout shelter or something similar they should be OK."

"I... I'll claim a virus from a military research facility has gotten loose," Willow said. "They'll buy that and they have a lot of friends who are doomsday preppers."

"Call them now," Xander ordered. "The more of them that go to ground, the more that will survive."

"My dad's in Spain," Buffy said as Willow rushed off to use Giles phone, "and hasn't left a number."

"Mine are in the rain forest," Oz told her.

"Why?" she asked. Oz shrugged in response.

"I doubt mine will believe me, but I'll tell mine as well," Xander said.

"I can prove vampires exist," Angel offered.

"That would probably help," Xander said, "thanks."

Willow returned. "I don't know whether to be happy or concerned, but they bought the government excuse instantly and have sent word. Apparently, everyone was on 'two-hour notice' because of the latest space-shuttle launch."

"Weird, but at least they'll be safe," Xander said.

"Why do you have a list of places to loot?" Willow asked as she looked over what Xander had written.

"Because there are things we need or could use, that we don't have the time or money to get legally," Xander replied. "Once the apocalypse starts, everyone who'd object to me shopping will probably be too busy dying to care what I do."

"The liquor store I could maybe see, but the video store?" Willow asked.

"Alcohol has a number of uses and the liquor store also carries cigarettes and condoms, among all the rest," Xander replied. "As for the video store, it's on the bottom of the list because it's a target of opportunity like Radio Shack, B Daltons and Toys 'R' Us. See, even if we all become bisexual swingers in the next five minutes, we'd still need something more to do for entertainment than each other after a few months at sea.

"Point," Oz said, breaking the awkward silence that Xander didn't even seem to notice as he started working on his lists again.

"Did you cover feminine hygiene?" Buffy asked Xander.

"Part of looting the pharmacy," Xander said absently. "A few boxes isn't going to be enough, so I was planning on emptying the store room."

"Port-a-potties?" Willow questioned.

"For on deck," Xander replied. "It's a bit easier than having to go to the tugboats every time you have to go."

"Bathing facilities?" Buffy asked intently.

"The ocean?" Xander shrugged. "There might be a salt water shower on the tugboat."

"Put a lot of moisturizer and skin cream on the list," Buffy suggested.

"Grab some paper and make your own list," Xander said. "The more we each do, the more we'll have in the end and we only have one shot at this."

"Also put down which store you're planning on hitting, so we don't cover the same territory," Oz said as he and Willow started on their list, checking Xander's as they planned theirs out.

"Go for the heaviest stuff first," Xander suggested. "We are going to need generators, diesel type, and solar panels and... stuff to improvise solutions to other problems with."

"Other problems?" Buffy asked.

Xander shrugged. "Stuff comes up, I'm planning ahead."

"Solar panels could power radios and TV and such to monitor how things are going," Willow said.

"And provide entertainment and ice," Xander said.

"Prepackaged meals, MREs," Oz said suddenly.

"Surplus store," Xander replied. "It's one of my stops."

"What if Mom doesn't want to go?" Buffy asked suddenly, recalling her Mom's initial response to her being the slayer.

"I have the tranquilizer gun we use for Oz," Giles said. "She'll come whether she likes it or not."

"Do you have a spare one?" Xander asked.

"Yes, why?" Giles replied.

"That would make cleaning out some of our shopping list easier," Willow said.

"Something like that," Xander agreed. "Once we have our lists done we should get started."

"We can't do much until the U-Haul place opens," Angel pointed out.

"We can let Joyce know what's going on and do a bit of sorting to figure out what to take and leave," Xander replied. "Plus, we need to pack up all of Angel's stuff and Angel in Oz's van."

"I'll rent a van for the day," Oz said, tossing Angel his keys.

"Thanks," Angel said, surprised he hadn't thought of it himself.

"Make sure they have a ramp to drive onto the barge," Xander told Giles. "Normally they do, but let's make sure it's down and ready. I gotta tell my folks and start on my own stuff, I can grab a box truck from my Uncle Rory so I don't have to wait."

"Do you need my help?" Angel asked.

"Maybe, I'll check with you later if I need to," Xander replied, "for now assume I don't."

Angel nodded. "We should start boxing all of Giles books and weapons anyways."

"Yes, we should!" Giles exclaimed suddenly realizing he'd completely forgot that aspect of things.

"Where are Wesley and Cordelia?" Xander asked.

Willow and Buffy exchanged nervous glances causing Xander to frown. "I got it," he said, guessing what they were hiding, "and it doesn't matter. Give them a head's up. Where's the spare tranq pistol?"

"I'll go get it," Giles offered.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander stared at the apartment door. He took a deep breath and stepped forward. He rapped a quick 'shave and a haircut' on the door and waited.

The door opened. "Did you forget-" the young girl began then froze on seeing Xander and the gun in his hand.

"I'm here to see Faith," Xander said.

"Sorry, not here," the young girl said nervously, "but she'll be back at any time!"

"It's a tranq pistol," Xander said, trying to soothe her fears. "see?" He held it up and showed her how the dart was loaded in it.

"And that's better?" she asked dumbfounded.

"It's certainly better than killing someone," Xander said.

"That was an accident!" the girl snapped out angrily, her fear forgotten.

"Not what I mean," Xander said, trying to calm her down. "Let me start over. Hello, my name is Xander Harris and I'm here to see Faith Lehane."

"My names Dawn Lehane and I'm not going to let you hurt my sister!" the dark-haired girl said with a glare.

"I don't want to hurt her, I'm trying to save her," Xander said honestly.

"Prove it," Dawn said.

"How?" Xander asked.

"Give me the gun," Dawn said reasonably.

Xander weighed his choices and sighed. "Fine, I'll give you the gun, you let me talk with Faith, alright?"

"Deal," Dawn said, extending a hand.

Xander handed the tranquilizer pistol to the young girl. "Please let her know Xander is here and desperately needs to talk to her. We have an apocalypse-"

 ***PFFFT***

Xander looked down at the dart in his leg. "How am I going to save her now?" he asked as his vision started to dim and everything went black.

 **TYPING BY: Lohoydo**

 **TN: It's a common joke in BtVS fanfiction of Dawn taking a tranq gun and net and chasing after Xander in Africa. I wanted to make an Omake about her deciding time travel and changing history to get him here was easier than going to Africa, but I wouldn't have been able to do it justice.**


	46. Storage Space

**Storage Space**

"You're a bit younger than our usual supplicant," Dr. Spengler noted, writing something on his clipboard.

"Which in no way disqualifies you from working here," Dr. Venkman assured him.

Spengler frowned. "Do you believe in the paranormal?" the blond-haired scientist asked.

"Yes," Xander agreed readily.

"Any experience with ghosts?" Dr. Venkman asked hopefully.

"We had a recurring murder-suicide at least once a decade at my school that was caused by a pair of ghosts possessing a student and teacher and re-enacting their deaths," Xander replied.

"Was the situation resolved?" Dr. Spengler asked curiously.

"We caught on to things pretty quick, as the two people involved were acting completely out of character and more than a little freaked out about it," Xander explained. "A little digging in the local newspaper archives told us the full story, so we had her wear a bullet proof vest. Since she didn't die, she talked him out of jumping to his death and they both peacefully passed on, the cycle broken."

Dr. Venkman looked interested and faintly impressed before he developed a smirk and chuckled. "You almost got me there."

"And was there any follow-up activity?" Dr. Spengler asked.

"You're buying this?" Dr. Venkman asked surprised.

"Enochian exorcism," Xander replied. "There hasn't been any further activity involving the two, but it's only been a couple of years. We won't really know if we've been completely successful until another decade has passed."

Dr. Spengler nodded. "A very sensible approach. Can you tell me a key feature of Enochian exorcisms?" he requested.

"The use of living flame to light the candles," Xander replied.

Dr. Spengler turned to Dr. Venkman. "Completely."

"Sorry, but your story was too perfect," Dr. Venkman apologized. "Plus, people lie during job interviews."

"I know how it is," Xander assured him.

"How do you feel about magic?" Dr. Spengler asked.

Xander winced. "Not a big fan," he admitted.

"And why is that?" Dr. Spengler asked intently.

Xander figured he'd just blown the interview but decided to be honest. "Magic is an erratic and unpredictable tool. Will I use it? If I have to, but I'd much rather rely on mundane means. I mean, a hammer never decides it's going to pass through a nail because the wielder has had sex and a ruler doesn't change its measurements because it's the second Tuesday in the third month of the fourth year."

"Yeah, but it's easy," Dr. Venkman said cheerfully, "a little chanting, some waving of hands and presto!" He threw his hands out dramatically.

"The situation is worse," Xander disagreed.

"What?" Dr. Venkman asked.

"Magic has a whole balance thing going on, so unless you are using the magic to 'fix' the balance, you just change the problem out with one you know nothing about," Xander explained.

"You know... that would explain some things," Dr. Venkman said as he recalled a number of incidents.

"You're hired," Dr. Spengler said.

"What?" Xander asked surprised. "But..."

"But?" Dr. Venkman asked.

"I can feel the mojo from here," Xander said. "Most practitioners don't really like my opinion on the subject."

"Despite family history and potential, I am a man of science," Dr. Spengler said, "and I find your opinion perfectly in line with my own."

"I'm glad to hear that," Xander said. "I'm really only qualified for a couple of job openings and this one was the one I preferred."

 ***BANG***

Dr. Stantz rushed in holding some sort of hand held device with a pair of rods sticking off the front in a reverse 'v' shape that lit up with running lights and beeped as it pointed at Xander. "False alarm. The PKE meter must be on the fritz again."

Dr. Spengler turned to Xander as Dr. Stantz fiddled with his PKE meter. "Were you the student that was possessed?"

"One of," Xander admitted.

"That may have been enough to register as a class one, like Egon," Dr. Stantz admitted, "but its reading him as a class three." He examined the meter one last time before holstering it. "But where are my manners?" he said rhetorically before offering a hand to Xander. "Ray Stantz, call me Ray."

Xander shook his hand. "Alexander Harris, call me Xander."

"I don't suppose you know why you'd rate so high up on the Psycho-Kinetic Energy Detector?" Dr. Spengler asked.

"I've also been possessed by a primal spirit, had the Roman God Janus turn me into a soldier for a night, pissed off the Greek goddess Aphrodite... Huh, it sounds weird when I list them off like that. Almost been turned into a fish demon once, but I'm pretty sure that was using science and not magic, though the line does blur in some cases." Xander saw the way the others were staring at him. "What?"

"How old are you?" Ray asked.

"Nineteen," Xander replied. "High school was tough."

"Where did you go to school, Hell?" Dr. Venkman asked sarcastically.

"The mouth of hell," Xander agreed.

"Sunnydale!" Egon said excitedly. "I've always wanted to take a trip there, but my condition renders that... unwise."

"Condition?" Dr. Venkman and Ray chorused.

"The energy that leaks from the Hellmouth has a corrupting effect," Xander explained, "especially on those with magical talents."

"Then how'd you avoid it?" Dr. Venkman asked.

"As far as I know I don't have any talent, and being from there I can resist the corruption a bit better. Anyway the real danger isn't the way it corrupts magic users, it's the way it erodes common sense. Stay in Sunnydale for any length of time and the stupidest ideas start making sense," Xander said.

"Sounds like its affected all of California to me," Dr. Venkman joked.

"As much as I dislike relying on the para-normal, there are a number of cleansing rituals that are sufficiently effective to use," Dr. Spengler suggested.

"I've been through them," Xander assured him, "some multiple times."

"Well, at least you'll fit in around here," Dr. Venkman said, just before a small green blob floated through the wall, took one look at Xander and fled screaming.

"I better go talk to Slimer," Ray said. "He can be skittish around new people."

"What was Slimer?" Xander asked.

"The ghost of a small child who died of starvation," Dr. Spengler said. "He's been quite helpful with my research."

"He eats a lot and occasionally slimes people, but he's also saved our bacon a time or two," Dr. Venkman admitted, "just don't tell him I told you that."

"Will do," Xander agreed. "When can I begin?"

"Now," Dr. Spengler said. "Peter, if you'd care to show Xander around, I'll set up my equipment. I want to get some baseline readings on him before he gets involved in our work."

"No asking for brain tissue samples," Peter ordered. "Our last assistant quit because of that."

"Plus, if you've seen my school records you'd realize I need every brain cell I have," Xander added.

"I will restrict myself to the same level of intrusiveness that you'd get from a normal physical exam," Dr. Spengler promised.

"Works for me," Xander said.

"You are remarkably laid back about all of this," Peter said, "but I guess that's to be expected considering everything you went through."

"You either learn to laugh at it or you end up in the funny farm and then everyone else laughs at you," Xander replied.

Peter grinned. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets it."

Janine looked up from her paperwork, having only caught the last few words. "Get some penicillin."

"You'll be working with her," Peter said cheerfully.

"Haven't I seen you naked?" Janine asked Xander.

"Was your sexual harassment class a 'how-to' course?!" Peter demanded more surprised than upset.

Janine rolled her eyes. "You have an interesting collection of scars," she told Xander. "Like the ones on your collar bone."

"Vampire bite," Xander replied.

"Three lines on your inner thigh?" she asked curiously.

"Werewolf," Xander replied. "Thankfully it was just the claws. The worst part about the whole thing was the looks his girlfriend gave us. The fact that he marked me and just lightly..."

Janine laughed.

"Why the rose centered on your left breast?" Xander asked.

"You noticed?" she asked genuinely surprised and pleased.

"How could I not?" he replied.

Janine beamed. "As you no doubt noticed, I have large and very colorful areolas, a fact that embarrassed me when I was younger, so one day I decided to get over my embarrassment and embrace who I was, so... bam!"

"It's a work of art," Xander said, "whoever did it was a genius."

"I take it you know one another?" Peter deadpanned.

"Nope," the pair said with a grin.

"Janine Melnitz, I'm the receptionist and gal Friday of this joint," she said offering her hand.

"Alexander Harris, but my friends call me Xander," he said shaking her hand. "And I'm going to be your assistant."

Janine broke out in a broad grin. "I'm even happier to see you now than I was last time!"

"I'd say 'ow, my ego!' but I know exactly what you mean," Xander assured her. "I have a lot of experience dealing with the weird and little with office work, so you won't have to break me of any bad habits."

"Have you met Slimer?" she asked, looking over the tops of her glasses.

"He ran screaming," Xander replied. "My presence freaks out some supernatural beings. Hopefully he'll get used to me."

"If I guess correctly how you two know each other you have to confirm it," Peter said.

"Fine, but no hints," Janine agreed.

"That works," Peter agreed. "Now Xander, let me show you where you're staying."

"I was hoping that wasn't a misprint," Xander said, "because the rent in New York is insane."

"Tell me about it," Peter said. "I've ended up living out of my car while looking for a new place before."

"I was lucky enough to stumble on a psychic blind spot, the Monolith Hotel," Xander said.

 ***RING*RING***

"Ghostbusters, how may I help you?" Janine answered the phone.

 **Typing by: Lohoydo**

 **AN: I'd like to see more Ghostbusters crossovers, I think the two worlds would mesh rather well.**


	47. Priorities 2

Xander came to, tied to a chair in the center of a chalk diagram in a parking garage.

"It's always important to double-check," the Mayor said cheerfully, "both your magic circles and your assumptions." He spoke a word of power and the chalk lit up with a soft blue glow, highlighting the lighter colors the Mayor, Faith, and Dawn were wearing.

"Why'd you come after me?" Faith demanded.

Xander found himself answering without thinking about it, "I can't just let you get killed when I have a chance to save you."

Faith looked surprised and confused, turning to the Mayor with a question in her eyes.

"What is the threat to Faith?" the Mayor demanded.

"The Infinity Orb was stolen," Xander replied.

"I didn't take shit!" Faith quickly defended herself.

"Oh dear," the Mayor said, looking worried. "How much time do we have?"

"I don't know, I was shot with a tranq pistol," Xander replied.

"When is the apocalypse due?" the Mayor asked.

"Midnight most places, ten to ten thirty here," Xander replied.

"Apocalypse?!" Dawn squeaked out.

"All of the dead humans, and possibly some of the higher primates, are going to rise and devour the living," Xander replied.

Dawn clung to a white faced Faith.

"How can we stop it?" Faith demanded.

"We can't," the Mayor answered before Xander could. "As long as the Orb of Infinity remained in place, all was well, but the moment it's stolen… it doesn't matter if it's returned or not, the covenant with Anubis is broken."

"How are you going to save me from that?!" Faith asked in disbelief.

"By taking you to the barge we rented so we could wait out the apocalypse at sea," Xander replied.

"A barge?" the Mayor questioned.

"A barge a third the size of a football field connected to two tug boats," Xander answered, unable to stop himself. "Using U-hauls to help beg, borrow, and steal supplies we should be safe and reasonably comfortable during the death of most of humanity."

"Most?" the Mayor asked.

"We spread the word of what we were going to do to the council and told the Doomsday preppers that the government had accidentally released a bio weapon," Xander replied, his mind running over the details. "There are well over a thousand people who's preparations for various end of the world scenarios will keep them safe for the six to nine months needed."

"Six to nine months?" Faith asked.

"Insects and rot will destroy the zombies," Xander replied.

"That is true," the Mayor agreed. "Humanity will rise again, though we are looking at, at least a century or more before the population gets remotely large enough for my purposes."

"What do we do?" Faith asked the Mayor.

"Can you save them?" the Mayor asked Xander.

"Yes," Xander replied, "if I haven't been unconscious too long, as I still need to gather supplies."

"It's only been half an hour," Dawn said.

"Yes, I can save them," Xander said.

"What about you?" Faith demanded. "They may let me on board, but I think they'll draw the line at letting you even near them."

"Always have an exit plan, my dear," the Mayor said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I have a way to save myself, but I hadn't planned on you or your sister, so let's find a way to save you both and not worry about me, alright?"

"Alright," Faith said, relieved.

"Will you save them?" the Mayor asked.

"Yes," Xander replied.

"Great," Faith said sourly, "we're putting our lives in the hands of the donut fetcher."

The Mayor chuckled. "My dear Faith, you must never judge a book by its cover, well hardly ever. If he was a simple high school student he wouldn't be involved in Summer's little group."

Faith gave Xander a skeptical once over. "I'd say this is one of the hardly ever cases."

"Let's find out," the Mayor said. "What's your most impressive achievements?" he asked Xander.

"I've prevented the Hellmouth opening by facing down a gang of zombies, figured out how to destroy the Judge, split the Slayer line, and broke a true prophecy," Xander replied.

"Surprised knocking boots with a Slayer wasn't included in there," Faith said, trying to cover her surprise.

"I don't consider being forced to have sex a great achievement," Xander replied.

Dawn and the Mayor both turned to stare at Faith.

"Whoa! Hold the phone!" Faith exclaimed. "I did not force him!"

"What happened?" Dawn asked Xander.

"After saving her life and getting her back to her motel room, she yanked me inside and forcibly stripped me-" Xander began.

"You could have said no and that hardon sure as hell wasn't saying no!" Faith interrupted.

"You would have taken my refusal as a personal rejection, caused severe injuries to me in response, and been forced to dispose of me to cover for yourself," Xander replied.

"I'd never!" Faith yelled looking pale and upset.

"Why are you so sure about this?" the Mayor asked.

"Between dealing with several Slayers and being possessed by a Primal Spirit, I have a good grasp on how Slayers react," Xander explained, "adding in Faith's 'want, take, have' philosophy just underlines it."

"Just because he believes it doesn't mean it's true," Faith defended weakly.

"So you only went along with it because of fear?" Dawn asked.

"Not only, just mostly," Xander replied.

"What did you expect to happen?" Faith demanded.

"I wanted someone to tell me I did well, possibly a small gesture of affection like a hug," he replied. "What I expected was a simple nod and being told goodbye."

"Spell's weakening," the Mayor noted as the light the chalk emitted flickered. "What will you do if I release you?"

"I will take the girls, request as much cash as possible, and continue with the plan," Xander replied.

"You're saving us for money?" Dawn asked.

"No, money is going to be worthless shortly," Xander replied. "The money is to help gather supplies as quickly as possible."

The Mayor broke the circle with his foot, causing the sputtering light the chalk was giving off to wink out. "Let's get you out of these ropes."

"Thanks," Xander said as he stood up. "Money and tranq gun please."

"I'll send somebody along for the money, but why the tranq gun, now that Faith is willing to go along with it?" the Mayor asked.

"If a clerk gives me too much trouble or I don't have the money to cover what I need, I'm going to dart them and continue on," Xander replied.

"You're just going to rob them?" Faith asked, still trying to fit her head around his lawless behavior.

"Yes," Xander said bluntly. "Zombies aren't going to need it and everyone here is as good as dead."

"Do you have a list of supplies you need?" the Mayor asked cheerfully.

Xander passed him his list.

"This is mostly store names and notes to grab large amounts of certain things," the Mayor said.

"We have space and can't stop in to pick up anything we run short of, so I was going to grab everything possible," Xander explained. "When I said loot, I meant it. I don't have time to be more exact."

"Take care of your family and my girls, I'll handle your list," the Mayor told him.

"That would help," Xander said honestly. "A refer truck with frozen foods and ice cream wouldn't go amiss either, just have them drive everything aboard and leave the trucks."

The Mayor turned to Faith and Dawn. "I wish we had more time together, but maybe this is for the best. Your souls will certainly be cleaner hanging around them. No tears now, save those for later in private." The girls hugged him and he patted their backs. "You've both made me very proud. Off you go now."

"I need my tranq gun," Xander told the pair as the Mayor turned and walked off.

"The boss if filling your list," Faith said. "Not seeing why you need it."

"I may have to tranq Willow when she sees you," Xander told her.

"What about Buffy?" Faith asked.

"No 'may' about it," Xander said.

Dawn pulled the pistol out of her jacket pocket, reluctant to let it go.

"Keep it for now," Xander said, "we need to load up the truck with all your stuff and go tell my parents what's going on."

"Why aren't you more upset?" Faith asked as Xander turned and headed for the exit.

"I don't have time to be upset," Xander replied. "I will have months to whine and cry later, for now I have shit to do."

"I don't mean about the zombies," Faith said as she followed him.

"There was an aboriginal tribe that used to shoot those that betrayed the tribe with a needle made of bone," he said as they climbed down the stairs. "It wasn't poisoned, but any member of that tribe that was shot with it would instantly drop dead."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Faith demanded.

"The tribe said if you got shot with the needle you'd die, they said it enough that everyone believed it and would actually die when shot with it," Xander said, "but the needle caused very little damage."

"Still not getting it," Faith said.

"Our tribe hasn't told me I should be emotionally damaged and instead just drops a bunch of macho crap on me saying I should have enjoyed it more," Xander explained, "so I am more upset at being kicked out and ignored than the sex itself."

"I… I don't know what to say to that," Faith admitted. "I mean it's fucked up… but to your advantage?"

Xander shrugged. "All I know is we are all fucked up in different ways, learn what they are and avoid making them worse."

"So… we're cool?" faith asked.

"We are a long way from cool, you've also tried to strangle me to death and kill my friends," Xander replied, "but that doesn't matter right now. What matters is you personally have done your best to save the world and none of the bad stuff you've done comes close to the amount of good done by doing that."

They exited the ground floor and saw a stream of vampires packing Faith and Dawn's apartment into Xander's stolen box truck.

"Good, this saves time," Xander said. "Next my parents, then we pack my stuff, which isn't much, just a bed, dresser, and clothes along with some odds and ends."

"Why all the furniture?" Dawn asked.

"So we can set up our own apartments in the back of the trucks," Xander explained. "Sleeping on the deck of the barge would get old fast and we have the room so this is a fast and easy way to give us at least a little comfort."

"Couldn't we just grab an RV?" Dawn asked.

Xander turned to Dawn, who began to look nervous, worried that she'd said something stupid as he just stared at her for a moment. "Any other ideas you have while we're doing this I want to hear." He opened the door and saw the keys were still in the ignition. "As soon as this is loaded, we'll drop it off on the barge and go grab a couple of RVs."

Dawn beamed, making Faith forget her own problems for the moment.

"Don't forget the can opener," Dawn said. "I've seen a couple of movies where they got the goods but no way to get to them."

"Housewares," Xander said. "We're going to need kitchen and bathroom stuff. Plates and silverware so we aren't just eating straight out of cans."

"What about fresh water?" Faith asked.

"I'll have Giles order some water tanks." Xander said. "We're going to have to build a filtration system to keep them filled, but we don't have to worry about that for a couple of months."

"Fuel and generators?" Dawn asked.

"Generators yes, fuel… Going to have to steal a fuel truck," Xander said. "I'll wait till the panic hits, since the Mayor is taking care of so much I've got time."

"Do you know how to hotwire a truck?" Faith asked.

"No," Xander admitted.

"Then 'we' will steal the fuel truck," Faith said.

"I am so glad I decided to kidnap you," Xander said with a grin, "between the two of you, I feel a lot better about this."

Faith recognized the look in Dawn's eyes and considered warning Xander before deciding that while she did owe him, she owed her sister more.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: How are they going to deal with modern day pirates I wonder… There would be other survivors who make it onto boats, and they're not going to be as well prepared, so they'll have to turn to looting the other survivors, and a giant barge makes a tempting target. While any boarders would get a nasty surprise when it comes to melee, the Scoobies aren't exactly equipped to deal with the guns they're bound to face, especially if they do a few strafing runs to subdue the target before boarding, and take out some of the heaviest hitters before it even enters a melee.**


	48. Priorities 3

"Wish me luck," Xander said as he pulled up in front of his house.

"Luck?" Dawn asked while Faith suppressed the urge to wince.

"My parents aren't very… parental," Xander explained. He sighed. "I'm probably going to have to sober them up a bit to get them to understand what I have to say."

Dawn took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "You aren't alone," she reminded him.

Xander seemed to relax, some of the tenseness leaking out of him. "Thank you," he said, giving her hand a squeeze in return.

Faith smirked. If Dawn kept this up she'd have Xander landed in no time.

"And worst comes to worst, we got a tranq pistol," Dawn offered cheerfully, making Faith sigh, sure she'd blown it.

"Yeah," Xander said with a smile. "Be a shame to use ammo we may need later, but it would solve the problem."

"Exactly, now go in there and get it done, because the sun is going to rise soon and we got shit to do!"

Xander nodded with a determined expression and marched into his house.

"What?" Dawn asked as she saw the expression on Faith's face.

"I can't believe I never noticed how alike you two are in some ways," Faith said, shaking her head.

"Really?" Dawn said, smiling brightly.

"Yeah," Faith said with a snort, "shoot first and ask questions later, ain't no such thing as overkill, and the quickest path through a maze is to drive a bulldozer."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Dawn said, making Faith laugh.

Xander returned carrying a letter with a thoughtful look on his face. "My parents are doomsday preppers and have left me directions to a group shelter that seems to be mostly composed of their AA group."

"Your parents are in AA?" Faith asked, surprised.

"Yeah," Xander said, "the group meets in a closed down bar twice a week that has a three drink minimum."

Both the Lehane sisters turned to stare at him.

He shrugged. "Yeah, it's a Sunnydale Alcoholics Anonymous group, naturally it's going to be weird. They own the bar and the money from the meetings went to keeping it stocked and ready for some sort of Mad Max future if I'm reading this right."

"That's weird, even for Sunnydale," Faith said.

Xander nodded. "If you can handle my dresser, I can toss everything else in a trash bag and we can be done in minutes."

"No problem," Faith said, "let's do this."

"I'll help," Dawn said, wanting to see his bedroom.

"Follow me," Xander said.

The two Lehane sisters followed him into the house, noting the unkempt lawn on the way in. The smell of stale cigarette smoke and spilled alcohol didn't even merit a raised eyebrow, nor did the signs of obvious damage scattered about and the obviously amateurish repair jobs; they had seen worse.

"You got the master bedroom?" Faith asked, surprised, as they climbed the stairs.

"After one too many falls down the stairs, they decided I should have it," Xander explained as they entered his room.

Dawn looked around, noting it was reasonably clean, no adult magazines were left out, though there was a decent amount of used tissue in his wastebasket.

"Holy shit!" Faith said on spotting a massive wooden wardrobe. "That's your dresser?!"

"Yeah," Xander admitted. "Too heavy?"

"Nah," Faith said after giving it a quick lift, "but I'm pretty sure I could get to Narnia through it."

Xander laughed. "Don't worry about scratching it up, it's practically indestructible."

"Yeah," Faith said, examining the doorway and then looking at the wardrobe he used as a dresser. "I need a heavy blanket and some duct tape cause I'm going to have to drag it to get through the door."

"Give me just a minute," he said, heading downstairs.

Once he was gone, Faith lifted up his mattress and Dawn pulled out everything that was hidden there, dumping it on top of the bed after Faith had dropped the mattress back in place.

"Latest Penthouse and Playboy," Faith said, "pretty normal."

"No Hustler," Dawn noted. "Stake, knife, cross, and squirt gun, probably filled with holy water."

"Tame, but not neutered," Faith said with approval as Dawn stuck it in the bottom drawer of the wardrobe on top of his socks.

Xander came up the stairs with a thick grey blanket and a roll of duct tape. "Let me stick some things in the dresser and we'll be half way done."

The girls shared a grin as he flipped up his mattress only to find nothing there, but were surprised when he lifted up the box spring to reveal a couple of knives that looked positively ancient and were definitely made of silver, as well as a couple of folders, a thin leather bound tome, and a magazine.

Dawn snatched up the magazine. "Hah, latest Hustler!"

Xander rolled his eyes, having half expected Faith to respond like that but not Dawn. He put everything in his sock drawer, pleased to find the rest of his stuff already tucked away.

Then he pulled the bed away from the wall, revealing the sheetrock behind the headboard had been cut away to make room for a lock box.

"I don't want to know what kind of porn requires a safe," Faith joked.

"No porn, though it does contain a couple of magazines," Xander replied as he turned the dial.

Faith watched in surprise as he swung open the door and pulled out a pair of pistols in holsters and half a dozen loaded magazines. "What the fuck?!"

"Some problems you can solve by shooting," Xander replied as he took off his wind breaker and put on the holsters, one under each arm.

"You aren't planning on offing a bunch of people and letting the zombies cover for it, are you?" Dawn asked.

"No," Xander replied, "the zombies will take care of everyone on my list all by themselves without any effort on my part."

"Good call," Dawn said, "I'm guessing my list is covered then."

"Am I the only one who doesn't have a list of people to off?" Faith asked sarcastically.

"You don't have a list?" Dawn asked curiously.

"Let's get to work, OK?" Faith said, wondering if maybe the Mayor was more right than he knew about not judging by appearance... and maybe she should keep a closer watch on her younger sister.

Xander threw on his windbreaker and opened his closet, revealing a number of boxes and a handful of jackets and outfits. He tossed a number of jackets and some other things in a trash bag. "OK, I'm ready."

"What's in the boxes?" Dawn asked while Faith wrapped his wardrobe in wool and duct tape.

"Comic books, photo albums, and stuff I saved," Xander replied.

"We takin' it?" Dawn asked.

"No, zombies aren't going to be interested in it, so I'll just leave it here," he said.

"I thought everything would be destroyed for some reason," Dawn admitted as she thought about it.

"Same here," Faith agreed.

"Wild fires may be a problem in some areas," Xander admitted, "and flooding in others, but for the most part, everything is going to be right where we left it when we return."

"Just with a lot more animals and less people," Faith said numbly as she realized the world was going to change in a big way.

"Our biggest enemy is going to be other people," Dawn said.

"Yes and no," Xander said. "We will have more than enough space and supplies for a good chunk of people, but not everyone behaves rationally and we are going to have people who think they have a right to take things, order us around, and what have you."

"Are we hitting a gun store?" Dawn asked.

"That we are," Xander agreed. "I've got one on my list that the mayor is taking care of, but just in case, we are going to want to be armed."

"And swords and stakes just won't cut it," Faith realized.

"Bad pun," Dawn said as she followed Xander downstairs.

"Yeah, yeah," Faith waved it off as she laid the wardrobe on its side, checking under and behind it for anything else Xander may have hidden before picking up one end and dragging it to the stairs.

"Why the spice rack?" Dawn asked as Xander raided the kitchen.

"I have no idea what kind of food we'll be eating, but I do know fresh fish is going to be on the menu and I am not one for unspiced sushi," Xander replied.

"I didn't take you for the sushi type," Dawn said as Xander raided the cabinets for more spices and various packages of dry food.

"Not too long ago I was almost turned into a cousin of the Creature from the Black Lagoon," Xander replied, "that left a few more mental scars and a taste for seafood."

"How did that happen?" Dawn asked.

"I was investigating what was skinning and eating the school swim team," Xander replied. "Turns out the coach was dosing the team with something that was turning them into monsters who shed their skin. In the end I needed a complete blood transfusion, but I came through OK and I can swim circles around the Olympic swim team now."

"Cool," Dawn said as they followed Faith as she dragged the wardrobe outside. "What happened to the coach?"

"Buffy knocked him into the sewers and he was devoured by all the fish men," Xander said. "It was a nice Twilight Zone ending."

"Buffy's killed people?" Faith asked in shock.

"Of course," Xander said. "Doing what we do, casualties are inevitable. I've body checked a guy into the hyena enclosure at the zoo. He did not make it out. We left Ford to be eaten by vampires, and none of us shed a tear. I tried to explain this to you a while back, but you thought I wanted sex and… Angel was forced to rescue me. I did not like owing him one. Thankfully he knocked me unconscious and left me on the street at night that one time, so I figure we're even."

"You were serious about helping me," Faith said, surprised.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "The only one of us who hasn't killed anyone is Willow, though the thing with Ford could count against her."

"So my staking the deputy mayor wasn't that big a deal," Faith said.

"Not as big of one as you thought," Xander said. "Besides, Buffy was also responsible as she's the one who threw him to you."

"Shit," Faith said with a sigh. "I really should have heard you out before getting handsy."

"Shit happens, just try and listen more," Xander suggested as he opened the back of the truck so Faith could put the wardrobe inside. He dropped his trash bags of stuff on a sofa, waited for her to lay the wardrobe on its side, and hopped out so she could close the back.

"I'll try," Faith said softly.

"OK, let's go drop off the truck and figure out where we need to go next," Xander said. He paused as he opened the driver's side door and saw what had to be over a million dollars in bundles of hundred-dollar bills. "Well, fuck!"

The two girls turned and stared at him clearly confused at why he wasn't pleased at seeing all that money.

"It's helpful and all, but it's taking up most of the seat," Xander pointed out. "Remember in about twelve hours all it'll be is fancy toilet paper."

"That's depressing," Faith said with a sigh.

"So, we're worth more and money, less," Dawn said slowly.

"Yeah," Xander agreed with a slowly growing grin as he considered it. "that's the way I see it too."

"The only thing of any real value will be people, because there will be tons of everything else just lying around," Faith realized. "Well… after the zombies are gone."

"It's going to be a completely different world," Xander said.

"We're going to need more guns," Dawn said. Seeing the other two turning to look at her, she explained, "I saw this special on Chernobyl and after the people were gone, the wildlife, wolves and bears, made a huge comeback."

"And the people at the zoo are definitely going to open the cages when they realize what is happening," Xander said. "You don't take the job unless you love animals."

"I really hope the animals like zombies," faith said, "but yeah… we are going to need a lot of guns."

"Binoculars and telescopes," Dawn said suddenly. "Since we can't rely on the news for long, we need some way to check the shore."

"That is a lot safer than what I was thinking of doing to check," Xander said. "Remind me to do something nice for you."

Faith bit her lip to keep from laughing at the expression on her younger sister's face, covering it by busying herself stuffing a few bundles of cash where they could conveniently grab them later.

"I know of one thing you could do for me," Dawn said, licking her lips.

"Yeah?" Xander asked, not completely clueless, but sure he was reading her wrong.

"You can take me to Wendy's so we can steal their soft serve machine," Dawn said seriously.

Faith just stared, surprised she hadn't seen this coming.

"Done and done," Xander agreed, shaking her hand. "Not sure it counts as a favor since it's another thing I'll love."

"Don't worry, I'll think of something else you can do for me later," Dawn said as innocently as possible.

Faith burst out laughing.

"What's with her?" Xander asked.

Dawn shrugged. "Slayers," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Tell me about it," Xander said with a smile.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	49. Priorities 4

"Holy shit, that's huge!" Faith said as they looked at the barge which easily dwarfed, not only the two tugboats tied to it, but the dock itself.

"That's at least half a football field," Dawn said.

"Yeah, I think the 'third of a football field' measurement was just referring to amount of useable deck," Xander said as they stared at it.

"Why is there a three-story building on the back of it?" Dawn asked.

"Offices and possibly living quarters for the people on board," Xander guessed.

"And a crane on front to load railroad cars and shit," Faith said.

"Giles really outdid himself," Xander said as they slowly drove up to the wide metal ramp that would allow them to drive onto the deck.

"This still feels unreal," Dawn said, voicing what they were all thinking.

"I would love for us to turn out to be wrong," Xander admitted, "but I don't see it happening." He eased the truck slowly onto the metal ramp but the weight didn't cause the barge to shift a millimeter as he drove onboard.

"Big Tweed is already here," Faith noted as she spotted Giles onboard arguing with someone.

"Let's go see what's going on," Xander suggested, driving over to where Faith had gestured near the superstructure on back.

"And I'm telling you even if we put a rush on it, it'd take at least eight hours and cost another 20 grand," the man told Giles.

Xander leaned out the window and Giles nodded to him before returning to his conversation. "I understand and I don't mind the charge, however wire transfers from Great Britain require additional time to clear, so I would appreciate if you would simply add it to my bill for my return."

"It's against company policy," the man replied, "While we can charge vehicle rental and repair against accounts, consumables like fuel and water require payment up front."

"Pass me thirty," Xander told Faith, who popped the glove box and passed him three bundles of hundreds.

"Pardon?" Giles said, turning to Xander who handed him the money out the window.

"Pay the man and have him fill all the tanks, replace the toilet paper, and anything else he can think of," Xander said.

Giles passed the money over. "Sufficient?"

"Easily," the dock worker assured. "Hell, I'll get Benny to check the oil and refill the soap dispensers in the bathrooms."

Faith passed Xander another bundle and gestured towards the dock worker with her chin.

Xander tossed him the bundle. "That's for all the little things we don't know enough to ask about so we can leave on time."

The dockworker grinned. "Yes, sir. I'll make sure of it." He strode off with a spring in his step.

"Where did you get all that money?" Giles asked, nodding politely to Faith and Dawn, not at all surprised Xander had picked up Faith and another young person.

"The Mayor," Xander replied. "In exchange for the safety of Faith and Dawn, he's also going to be delivering a number of trucks filled with supplies."

"I… I hadn't thought he'd be so agreeable or place such a high value on Faith," Giles admitted.

"People are complicated," Xander said. "He's probably going to do a sleeping beauty act until the human population recovers so he's not our problem anymore. We can write some prophecies to bug future Scoobies about him later, when we're bored."

"Alright," Giles said. "I'll warn Buffy about Faith, so she doesn't do anything rash, but I'd suggest keeping the tranquilizer gun handy, just in case."

"Will do," Xander agreed. "Also, Dawn came up with the idea of test driving or renting RVs and bringing them on board."

"That's brilliant," Giles said. "Why did none of us think of that?" he asked rhetorically.

"Also, she suggested making sure to grab household supplies like silverware and plates as well as binoculars and telescopes for when the TV and radios go down, so we can scan the shore."

"All things we would likely overlook and need later," Giles said. "Miss Dawn, it is very nice to meet you."

"Thanks," Dawn said, beaming at having her contribution acknowledged.

"We need a ride to the rental place," Xander said. "Got your car with you?"

"Yes, I parked it on the pier," Giles replied.

"Good," Xander said. "If the Mayor comes through, and I believe he will, we'll have plenty of time to make sure we have everything and pull out early."

"That would be wise," Giles agreed sadly, knowing they were leaving the majority of the city to die.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Giles and Faith sat in the front of Giles' car while Dawn and Xander were crammed in the back seat, though Dawn had solved the space problem by having Xander turn sideways and climbing on his lap.

"Wake me when we get there," Dawn said, pulling Xander's arms around her like a blanket and closing her eyes.

Xander was a bit surprised, but seeing Faith's amused grin put him at ease and he found himself nodding off as well, Dawn a comforting weight in his arms.

"Where is the rental place?" Faith asked.

"Just a couple of miles outside of town," Giles replied. "It's rather a large facility, but I suspect the real reason it's outside of town is for safety rather than tax purposes."

"If they're in the know this may be easier," Faith said, "we drop the bomb and he lets us borrow what we want with the understanding that if the world doesn't end, we return it all."

"That would be helpful," Giles agreed.

An awkward silence fell in the car for several minutes until Giles finally broke it, "I wasn't aware you had a younger sister."

"Didn't trust you guys enough to tell you," Faith said flatly.

"Not an entirely unwarranted response," Giles admitted. "While I will maintain that you overreacted, I cannot in good conscience say we did not give you at least some justification for it."

"What?" Faith asked, not wanting to try and untangle his overly wordy reply.

"We all screwed up," Giles said as simply as possible.

Thinking over what Xander had told her, she slowly nodded. "I could have handled it better," she admitted, "but the thought of Dawn alone on the streets of Sunnydale…"

"I understand," Giles said. "You should know that the group is… in a way… a family to us."

Faith considered that for a moment, thinking of what she knew of the Scoobs and their home life. It explained why they had all acted so betrayed when she was just looking out for herself and her little sister, not to mention why they were so reluctant to let her into their group. "Fuck," she said softly, realizing how bad they'd all screwed up.

"Indeed," Giles agreed with just a hint of amusement.

The silence was much less awkward this time. The sun was just above the horizon by the time they'd reached Dave's RV World.

"Whoa," Faith said as she saw the acres of vehicles parked in neat little rows.

"Yes," Giles agreed, "I heartily concur."

Faith looked in the back seat and smiled. "Almost hate to wake them."

Giles consulted his watch. "We have nearly ten minutes until they open, so why don't we discuss our plans and see if we can solve some problems before they start?"

Faith nodded. "The Boss is filling Xander's wish list, so we're pretty much just grabbing what my little sis suggested, RVs, dishes and shit, plus some binoculars and telescopes."

"That covers a lot of the bases," Giles said. "I would suggest expanding the list of items to anything that catches your eye."

"Huh?" Faith asked.

"Obviously you are going to need to purchase a number of different things to set up a household properly," Giles explained, "but since you are only going to get one shot at it, be sure to wander the mall and buy anything that catches your eye. In fact, buy multiples so you can replace anything that breaks or wears out in the coming months. If you decide you don't need or want something, you can always stow it in one of the trucks."

"No idea how much of everything I use, but I get the picture," Faith agreed. "We can grab an RV, take it to the mall, and then stock it with all the stuff we need, just to be sure we got it. I mean, I know the boss dots the I's and crosses the T's pretty well, but he's a bit busy with his own thing as well and we're wingin' it here."

"Exactly," Giles agreed.

"You going to fill up on magic junk?" Faith asked.

"Pardon?" Giles asked, not sure what she meant.

"Going to shop for all the stuff you need to cast spells and such, since I don't imagine much of it is on the lists we already got," Faith explained.

"I hadn't thought of that," Giles admitted. "I'll have to wait until the banks open as the shops that do sell such things don't take credit, but thanks to you three we are no longer as pressed for time."

"Nah, I'll cover you," Faith said. "As Xander pointed out, it's all just going to be funny colored toilet paper by the time midnight rolls around anyway so there's no use hanging onto it. Just pick up some For Dummies and Beginner's Guides so we got something to do while we're waiting, ok?"

"We are going to have an excess of time on our hands," Giles said with some surprise. "It's been so long since I've even had a day off I'm not sure what I'll do. Teaching magic isn't a bad idea. Thank you, Faith. I believe I will take you up on your offer."

Faith nodded and looked over at the prefab building they'd used for an office. "Looks like they're opening a bit early," she said.

"Good, while we may have more time, sitting around doing nothing is frustrating," Giles said.

"Xand, sis," Faith said loudly. "Wakey, wakey!"

Dawn slowly woke up. "Must have dozed off."

Xander sat up, adjusting his hold on Dawn but not letting her go. "Whoa, nice selection of RVs," he said.

"The RVs are nice," Faith said, "but look at those tour buses."

"I wonder if they deliver," Dawn said.

Xander and Faith exchanged looks and shook their heads.

"Ok, new plan," Xander said. "We have them deliver half a dozen RVs and tour buses while we rent a good size box truck and hit the mall. We hit a couple of specialty shops on the way to the barge and we should all be on board and ready to pull out by eight."

"Why so early?" Faith asked.

"Cause delays kill and I'm not taking chances with any of you. We are all going to be safely away when it hits the fan," Xander said firmly.

Dawn had to stop herself from purring as she grinned.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"I, I can barely believe it," Joyce said as she packed up all her clothes, Buffy taping the box up and setting it to the side.

"I know," Buffy agreed. "We worked so hard and sacrificed so much that it's really screwed up that someone else… screwed up."

"At least Giles was ready with a backup plan to keep you safe," Joyce said, feeling an urge to hug the man who honestly did his best to keep her daughter safe by making her strong enough to face anything.

"Actually, I think the plan was mostly Xander's," Buffy said.

Joyce stopped what she was doing. "Really?"

"Yeah, but don't worry, Xander has probably seen every Zombie movie ever made and he is great at coming up with crazy ideas that actually work," Buffy assured her.

"This actually seems pretty well thought out," Joyce pointed out.

"Like I said, he's probably seen every Zombie movie ever made," Buffy said with a grin.

"Well, I for one am glad of it," Joyce decided. "I think I've got everything I need except furniture and we can use a truck for that. Are you sure we are going to have room for my SUV?"

"Easily," Buffy assured her. "Wait until you see the ship, it's huge!"

"Alright, then I suppose we should drop all this off and grab some breakfast while we wait for the bank to open," Joyce said.

"It'd be quicker just to make breakfast here," Buffy said.

"No dear, it only seems quicker because I do most of it while you are still asleep, also we might as well enjoy eating out while we have the chance," Joyce explained.

"I suppose you're right," Buffy said. "Can I have cinnamon buns?" she asked hopefully.

"We'll buy enough for days," Joyce promised.

"Really?"

"Of course," Joyce reassured her. "Now let's go, food and coffee await, and I have not had coffee or my morning cigarette yet."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Are you sure that's all you need?" Willow asked as she looked at the dozen boxes in the back of the truck Oz had borrowed from his cousin.

"Everything else I plan on buying new," Oz replied. "I figure my college fund is going to come in very handy today."

"What?! But you need that to…" Willow trailed off and looked thoughtful. "We will be hitting the college book store," she finally said, it was not a question.

"And a music store," Oz added.

"To buy tapes or instruments?" Willow asked.

"Both," Oz replied.

"We should pick up a box of condoms," Willow suggested, blushing bright red. They hadn't had sex yet, but considering what was going on, she was pretty sure they would be in the coming months.

"We are going to be at sea for six to nine months," Oz reminded her.

Willow's face went blank for a moment as she was deep in thought before she said, "OK, and add a sex shop to the list. We need condoms, lube, videos, handcuffs…"

Oz's eyes widened a touch as she continued with the list… before adding a few items of his own. It wasn't like they had to use everything they were getting, but waste not, want not.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	50. Losing it all

"Found her in a smoky room!" Xander sang along with the radio, then the song dissolved into static and the car began sputtering. "No, don't do this to me," Xander cajoled the dying vehicle, "it's the middle of the night and in the middle of the desert. It's like the cliché start of a horror movie."

The car died and he had to use both hands to force the older vehicle to pull off to the side of the road and practically stand on the brakes to get it to stop.

"Fuck!" Xander cursed, slamming it in park. He glared at the dash. "If I get chopped up by an axe murderer not only are you going to end up rusting on the side of the road, I'm going to come back as a ghost and haunt you."

Suddenly the desert lit up bright as day and a deep thrumming noise caused the car to vibrate, rattling the half empty bag of peanut M&M's on the dash and making Xander wince and cover his ears. The light reached a blinding intensity and the car shuddered under a wave of sound for several seconds before cutting off, leaving an empty car sitting in the middle of nowhere.

 **Five minutes later**

The sky roared and night turned to day again, before becoming quite and dark once more.

Xander sighed as he leaned his head back against the headrest, he looked a bit older and had an impressive mustache but was otherwise unchanged. "Well, this was a hell of a trip." He pulled a silver sphere the size of a marble out of his jacket pocket and grinned. "Can't beat the classics."

He set the sphere on the dash and it rolled down to the vent, breaking into dozens of tiny metal spheres that vanished inside the dashboard.

"M&M's," Xander said with a grin, grabbing the bag off the dash and popping several in his mouth.

A dent popped out of the rear fender while a crack in the front window slowly vanished.

"Man, have I missed junk food!" Xander exclaimed.

He popped open the ice chest on the passenger seat and pulled out a coke "Cheers!"

The chipped and faded blue interior regained its prior luster and grew over the gaps in the vinyl, returning it to factory new appearance. Xander was still enjoying his coke when the car started itself up and pulled back onto the road, making a U-turn and heading back the way it had come, seemingly of its own volition. He burped loudly and tossed the empty can in the back seat. The radio came on and switched to AM, smoothly changing channels until it reached a news broadcast.

"That can't be right," Xander said, shaking his head as the radio switched channels until it found another news report. "Huh," he said as the report ended, "I guess it is, but how did I lose two years?" He stroked his mustache.

The car sped up, the body reshaping itself to reduce resistance, Xander paid little attention, lost in his own thoughts.

 **Several hours later…**

The radio beeped, waking Xander up as he had fallen asleep while he'd traveled. Blinking sleep from his eyes he smiled as he saw the welcome to Sunnydale sign. It was good to be home. Even at this distance he could feel the warmth of the Hellmouth as its subtle corrosive emanations wore away at the fabric of reality making the fantastic, both great and terrible, possible.

"Time to make some decisions," Xander said. "Go home or become an emancipated minor? That's an easy one. Rent or buy? I'm going to have to say buy. I need a newspaper...and a phone line."

 **OoOoOoOoOoO**

Joyce was surprised to find her three-o-clock appointment was someone she knew. "Xander?"

"Joyce?" Xander replied in the same tone, even though he knew in advance she was going to be his realtor. "I didn't know you were in real estate."

"It helps pass the time," Joyce replied. "I didn't know you were solvent enough to afford a house."

"A relative I didn't know passed away leaving me a large sum of money and emancipation papers," Xander lied. "They didn't leave a letter explaining why, but I'm not complaining."

"Well I'm happy to see you made a full recovery from whatever accident landed you in the hospital. What would you like to look at today?"

Xander made a mental note to check the local hospital records. "Sunnydale real-estate is generally decently priced, but I'm sure you have one or two properties that are a steal because of some unfortunate past."

"That's a nice way of putting it," Joyce said. "I have several on the books, but if you really don't mind a property's past history, I have two that are move-in ready."

"Is one of them Ted's old place?" Xander asked already knowing the answer, as that was why he'd contacted this particular realtor office.

"It is," Joyce admitted. "If not for its history I'd have bought it myself but... Are you sure?"

"I'll want to take a look at it to make sure, but I'm not really all that superstitious," Xander said. "As far as I know, every square inch of the Earth has had someone die on it and from what I recall all of his wives went peacefully in their sleep."

"I suppose that is one way to look at it," Joyce said as she considered his point of view.

"If you don't want to visit the house, I'll understand," Xander told her.

"It's not that, I just want to make sure you don't end up with a property that you'll dislike or outright hate," Joyce assured him. "Plus...There's always a slight danger he could return."

"One of my first purchases will be a top of the line security system," Xander assured her. "A little prevention is worth any amount of I-told-you-sos later."

Joyce laughed. "Let me grab my purse and we can drive over."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"And here we are," Joyce said. "I swear the creepiest thing about this property is how normal it seems."

"Norman Rockwell eat your heart out," Xander agreed, as he looked over the picture-perfect house and lawn.

Joyce lead the way, taking a set of keys out of her purse and unlocking the front door. "The power bills are surprisingly low, as... Ted made sure to update all the appliances with the most energy efficient models and even installed solar panels on the roof." She pushed open the door. "It's been left entirely furnished."

Seeing her hesitation Xander preceded her inside. "You could film a 50's sitcom here and it wouldn't look out of place. I like it."

"It does have a classic charm," Joyce admitted as she slowly stepped inside and looked around. "It has four bedrooms and a den, plus a complete basement..."

"I've seen enough to make my decision," Xander said, "I'll take it."

"Really?"

"Definitely," Xander assured her. "Of course, you're welcome to use your feminine wiles to try and change my mind." He wiggled his eyebrows comically.

Joyce grinned, her nervousness fading away. "Sorry, I'm into college guys, though I do like the mustache."

"Curses!" Xander said dramatically. "Damn college boys always hogging the beautiful women. Looks like I have a whole new reason to attend college now."

Joyce laughed. "Promise you'll attend college once you graduate and I'll let you buy me lunch."

"I promise to at least get a bachelors," Xander said.

"Where would you like to go?" Joyce asked.

"Is that Italian place on fifth still open?" Xander asked.

"I love that place," Joyce replied.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Xander had checked his caches after lunch and found them empty, not surprising considering most of his stuff was in the trunk of his car, showing he hadn't planned on returning, but it was what was missing that had caught his attention.

His final cache, had been hidden inside an old-fashioned US mail box that was welded shut in the park and used as a decoration. It had taken some work to cut through the welds holding the back of it shut and replacing the old rusted lock with a new one without anyone being the wiser, but it had provided a safe place to store a surprising amount of stuff when he had lived in Sunnydale.

Thankfully his key fit. Opening it he found over a dozen video tapes and his missing mementos, all ones connected to Willow and Buffy, in the box inside.

He laid a hand on top of one of the tapes and closed his eyes, after a few seconds he shivered. "That was horrifying," Xander muttered, before locking the mailbox and carrying the box to his car.

He'd already stopped by the hospital and picked up a copy of his medical file, which he'd had yet to read, so the last thing on his to do list for the day was to go to several fast food places and get a ton of food.

He could figure out what had happened to send him out of Sunnydale two years earlier than he had left, after he had a few good meals.

 **Half an hour later **

Xander was halfway through his second pizza before he picked up the folder containing his medical file and glanced through it. "Man, I was one accident prone child."

It took a while to get to the last entry as he double checked all the earlier hospital visits and made sure they matched his memories.

"Comatose, broken ribs, assorted cuts and burns, brought in by Rupert Giles who claimed it was a hit and run though the injuries did not support it." Xander noted aloud as he ate a slice of pizza.

"Between those tapes, the earlier departure, and the hospital records... I'm guessing something happened with Buffy."

He got up and paced back and forth as he thought about it. "I fell out with the gang... got injured somehow... and split."

Shaking his head at all the gaps in his theory he grabbed a burger and took a bite.

 ****Knock*Knock*Knock****

Wondering who could be visiting him, as only Joyce knew he was there and he doubted she'd mention it to Buffy, or Willow would have kicked in his door already.

"Cordelia?" he asked curiously, before getting tackled by the curvy brunette who was clutching him tightly.

"I thought you were dead!" Cordelia exclaimed.

"No... I'm quite alive," Xander replied picking her up with his free hand and kicking the door shut. He returned to the couch and sat down, holding the upset girl in his lap while he finished his burger and she sobbed and said thing he couldn't understand through her tears.

"I can't believe you're back." Cordelia squeezed him tightly. "After the entire thing with the bitch... I was half convinced she'd killed you and they were covering it up!"

"Which bitch?" Xander asked.

"Which? Buffy!" Cordelia shouted. "You can't remember?" she asked softly.

"How can I put this..." Xander chewed on his mustache as he thought about it. "I am Alexander Harris, but... thanks to some timey-wimey hi-jinks my past diverged from this world at some point. Thing happened a bit differently for me, I never ended up in the hospital and I'm a year or two older."

"How does that work?" Cordelia asked confused before looking at his mustache suspiciously. "Is this like that Spock's goatee thing you went on about?"

"Close," Xander said

"So, you're evil?!" she demanded pulling back, but still making no move to get off his lap.

"No one ever see's themselves as evil," Xander complained. "I mean, if you asked Hitler, he'd assure you that he was just helping his people and protecting his country."

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Fine, where do you stand on rape, torture, and murder?"

"I'm against them," Xander assured her, "but if I was evil I'd lie about it."

"And if you were evil you wouldn't be trying to convince me the question was useless, you'd be trying to convince me I was right to ask it," Cordelia replied.

"Unless I was being clever and tricking you by doing the opposite," Xander fired back.

Cordelia laughed. "You aren't that smart."

Xander opened his mouth to argue and then closed it and shock his head. "Fine, you win, I'm the good Xander."

"Good," she said with a smirk before leaning in close. "I've missed you so much."

Xander put a finger to her lips to stop her from kissing him. "I think out timeline diverged a bit further back than you think. We were just friends when I left for my summer road trip."

"Friends?" she asked plaintively.

"The best," Xander assured her. "You helped me over a bad break up, I helped you deal with you father's little IRS fuckup and... I admit we were kinda headed this way, but you were moving to LA and I thought you deserved to be more than a simple fling or a rebound girl."

"Who were you dating?" Cordelia asked.

"Willow," Xander replied. "She cheated on me with some drummer guy. Anyway, we broke up and you became my best friend. Still not sure how that happened, but we got really close. If not for you moving to LA, to try your hand at acting, we definitely would have ended up dating."

Cordelia nodded. "Well, it's an entire year earlier, I'm not moving to LA, and we have been sorta dating since the thing with the bug guy and officially dating since Buffy's birthday party with the arm thing."

Xander grinned. "We will have to compare notes and see where our timelines split, but I think I like this one."

"Does this mean there's another Xander out there?" Cordelia asked.

"No, one Xander to a timeline," Xander assured her.

"Good," Cordelia said. "Now, where was I?" She leaned in close.

 ***Knock*Knock*Knock***

"I should probably see who that is," Xander said reluctantly.

Cordelia undid the top two buttons on her shirt. "I think we both know who it is."

 ***BANG*BANG*BANG***

She undid another button. "Which pair of girls would you rather see right now?"

"I can replace the door," Xander decided, pulling Cordelia close.

 **AN: I love Twisting around old Tired Tropes!**

 **Typing by: Hawfeld**


	51. Priorities 5

"It's almost six, so we got two hours," Xander told Dawn as the pair waited in the box truck while Faith went into the smoke shop, "Any ideas?"

"Head back to the ship to see what we got, grab another box truck, and do some last minute shopping?" Dawn suggested.

Xander thought about it.

"Yeah, if everything went well we should be good, but we really should check ourselves."

"And get two dozen pizzas," Dawn said.

"We'll stop and pay in advance so they can get started on it," Xander decided. "It takes some time to make that many pizzas."

The sound of the back of the truck opening and things being loaded drifted up to the pair, so they waited for Faith to join them before continuing their conversation.

"You ok, sis?" Dawn asked as Faith rejoined them, her eyes a little red and watery.

"I just ran into Buffy and Mrs. S," Faith said before clearing her throat and wiping her eyes, trying to pretend she hadn't just done that.

"You ok?" Xander repeated Dawn's question, looking over and finding no injuries.

"I'm fine," Faith said. "They… tried to convince me to come with them."

Xander grinned.

"Seriously?" Dawn asked, surprised.

"Yeah," Faith agreed with an honest smile. "After everything that's happened they still tried to get me to go with them. Had to explain Xander had already grabbed me before they would stop."

"They're good people," Xander said.

"Yeah, I'm beginning to get that," Faith agreed.

"So… what's next?"

"Pizza and a quick check on what's onboard before we head out for one last load," Xander replied.

"Sounds good," Faith said, buckling up, "let's do it."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Holy shit!" Faith exclaimed as they drove onboard and saw the line of semis parked on one end opposite the tour buses and RV's parked at the other.

"Ok, I think we are good for supplies," Xander said, shocked. They parked next to the semis and got out of the truck.

"The boss thinks of everything," Faith said, gesturing to the tanker trucks. "Guess we don't need to steal any fuel trucks after all."

Xander nodded. "Guess we just need to pick up our pizza and… hit a convenience store or two for the hell of it."

"And pick up some lawn furniture," Dawn said, looking at all the empty space on deck.

"And stuff for a campfire," Faith added.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, seeing the sense of it.

"Where's the other U-haul?" Dawn asked.

"Parked it near the crane," Faith said. "Hopefully it's not completely blocked by the semis." Faith slipped between two tankers leaving the pair alone.

"Is it bad that I'm actually looking forward to this?" Dawn asked.

"No," Xander replied, "you didn't cause it so you don't have any reason to feel guilty about it and between laughing and crying, I'll take laughing any day."

"I meant is it bad that I'm not feeling bad about all the people that are going to die," she explained.

Xander shrugged. "People like to guilt trip others for not feeling bad about strangers dying, but even before this occurred, there were people dying all over the world every minute of every day, and no one really cared unless they lived close to them and spoke the same language. Care about your family and friends, strangers are optional and anyone who says otherwise is lying, because otherwise we'd spend all our time crying and nothing would get done."

"That makes sense and makes me feel a little better, thanks," Dawn said.

A U-haul truck rounded the corner just barely avoiding scraping against a semi.

"And it looks like our ride is here," Xander said, opening the passenger side door for Dawn to climb in.

"Our third and last truck," Faith said, "and we probably are going to only pick up enough stuff to fill the second one which was only half full at best."

"Gives us room to move stuff around," Xander replied as they buckled up.

Another RV drove up the ramp while they were getting ready to leave, taking a spot next to the others. An unfamiliar man got out and headed for the dock, leaving the keys inside.

"How many RV's did we ask for?" Faith asked as they drove down the ramp.

"A dozen and three tour buses," Dawn replied.

"I thought we were joking about that," Faith admitted.

"Kinda, but we have room to spare," Xander replied. He saw Oz and Willow pass them driving a truck towing a horse trailer towards the barge.

"Anyone else you wanna grab?" Faith asked as they drove off the barge.

Xander considered it and shook his head. "Not enough time to convince anyone and kidnapping is risky. Really we had the choice of lots of supplies and little people or little supplies and lots of people, and this made more sense," he explained.

"I may have kidnapped someone," Dawn admitted.

"Really?" Xander asked.

Dawn winced. "She backed her car into the truck while we were at the mall."

"And that made you decide to kidnap her?" Faith asked.

"She started talking about insurance and how it was going to take hours to straighten out," Dawn explained, "so I lured her into the back of the truck, darted her, and covered her with a blanket so you wouldn't notice."

"Good call," Xander told her with an approving nod.

"What?" Faith asked, surprised at his response.

"We couldn't afford to waste the time and she did it smooth enough no one noticed," Xander replied. "It's saved us time and her life, can't ask for a better result."

"Good point," Faith agreed. "Nice one, sis."

Dawn smiled, relaxing in her seat. "We could probably grab some prostitutes and pay for a full night."

Faith laughed. "Damn sis, I didn't know you swung that way."

"I don't!" Dawn blushed bright red. "I meant they would come along with no questions asked for cash."

Xander grinned. "True, but with our luck we'd get nabbed by the cops while doing it. If we knew some personally we could do it, but it's too risky otherwise."

"No problem bringing working girls?" Faith asked curiously.

Xander shrugged. "Like everything else it depends on the person. Most of the time, hooking is just because they have run out of options and it's a lot more honest than any number of things you could do for money."

"Didn't figure you'd know that much about it," Faith said, surprised.

"I may have been dating someone who was rich, but trust me, it didn't change me any except to make me think even less of the upper crusties," Xander said.

"They're that bad?" Dawn asked, surprised.

Xander shrugged. "The ones who compete for status are. A good rule of thumb is, if they flaunt their wealth, they aren't worth much as a person… or are new to having money."

"Snooty people suck but some are just regular people who got rich and are insecure?" Dawn asked, hoping she had it right.

"Pretty much," Xander agreed. "I may be a bit bitter because dealing with kids of rich people is even worse, but it's only the ones who didn't care about money or focus on it that were worth a damn."

"Like who?" Dawn asked, eager to learn more about Xander even if it was just about people he knew.

"Cordelia's grandmother, Betty," Xander said with a grin. "She is someone to respect. She has a great sense of humor, knows what's what, and doesn't flaunt anything. They only time she bothers with something expensive is if it's actually worth it."

"Cool," Dawn said. "Would she listen if you said the zombie apocalypse was coming?"

Xander shook his head. "She'd say I was full of shit and once she realized it wasn't a joke she'd probably try and get me locked up for my own good and she's got the money to do it too. If I had half a chance I'd tell her, but…" He sighed.

"Lie to her," Dawn suggested. "Or maybe just convince her to get everyone to go to their yacht for a surprise party to avoid any problems. They have yachts, right?"

"Cordy's parents have a yacht but Betty gets seasick looking at the sea, so that's out. They do have a fallout shelter to make themselves look important though."

"Look important?" Faith asked as they pulled in front of S-Mart.

"It was another fad among the rich a decade ago and now is a community service thing where they claim that the community can use it in an emergency because they are generous civic minded people," Xander explained.

"Can you get them to hide down there?" Dawn asked. "I mean it only takes a couple of hours between the dead getting up and it hitting the air waves so they'll stay put."

"Yeah… I think I can pull that off," Xander said. "Betty still owes me one for helping sneak out the guy she was seeing when Cordy's parents came back early from vacation."

Faith shut off the truck. "You make the call, we'll grab the furniture."

"If this works, I'll owe you one," Xander told Dawn, a smile on his face.

"I'll save it for later," Dawn told him, "now get moving while we load up."

"Yes ma'am," Xander said, snapping off a salute with a grin and rushing off.

Faith raised a hand and Dawn gave her a high five. "Racking up those points."

"Only if it works out, otherwise I'm just getting his hopes up," Dawn said, "but I'm hopeful."

"BBQ & grill," Faith said suddenly. "We'll get an ice chest, fresh steaks, and beer."

"Picnic stuff," Dawn agreed. "Let's go!"

 **OoOooOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Giles looked over and saw Xander pulling onboard. "That's everyone," he said before holding the radio to his mouth and ordering the crew to take them out.

Xander drove the truck to the center of the deck where the Scoobies had gathered and the three got out. Despite his predictions, no one looked surprised or concerned that Faith was there. He did a quick headcount. "Where's Cordy and Wesley?"

"She's going to meet us out there," Giles replied.

"Family yacht," Xander said with a nod.

The ramp raised itself and a few minutes later the barge slowly pulled out to sea.

Seeing Xander's confusion, Giles spoke up, "The tugboats came with their own crew. I encouraged them to bring anyone they liked, as all we were going to do was sit off the coast for the weekend and hold a small family reunion."

"Good call," Xander said, "that gives us some more people."

"Let's set up the grill and break out the steaks," Faith said. "If the world is ending and there's nothing I can do, I'll be damned if I face it sober and hungry!"

"Amen!" Giles said with a firm nod. "I'll get the scotch."

"I'll set up the grill," Faith said.

"Buffy, I'll need your help; we've also got patio furniture to put out," Xander told her.

"Sounds good," Buffy agreed.

"I'll help set up and cook," Joyce said.

"I'll get the ice chests and drinks," Dawn said.

"I'll invite the tugboat crews," Willow said, holding out a hand for the hand-held radio Giles had.

"I'll bring my guitar and… Does anyone mind if I smoke?" Oz asked cautiously.

"I'll be smoking as well, so I doubt it," Joyce replied.

"Not cigarettes," Oz said pointedly.

"As long as you brought enough for everyone, I'm fine with it," Giles assured him.

Oz smiled faintly. "I don't think that's a problem."

The gang quickly went to work while Willow extended an invitation to the tug boat crews.

"I never thought it would end like this," Buffy admitted as she and Xander set out a picnic table.

"Neither did I," Xander agreed. "This is a lot more cheerful and upbeat than I expected."

"Yeah," Buffy said perking up. "What's all the bricks for?" she asked, noticing the stacks of bricks while they retrieved another table.

"Putting together a firepit so we aren't making a campfire directly on the deck," Xander explained.

"Can we roast marshmallows?" Buffy asked eagerly.

"I got all the makings for smores," Dawn said, having overheard the conversation as she drug out another ice chest.

"Bless you!" Buffy exclaimed happily.

"She seems to come up with just the right idea at the right time," Xander said, making Dawn grin.

"Isn't that your shtick?" Buffy asked.

Xander shrugged. "Well now there are two of us."

Faith had to struggle to hide her amusement as Dawn's smile grew to epic proportions.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Malcolm made one last check before joining everyone on deck.

"About time you got here, we were about to leave without you," Jayne said.

"Speak for yourself," Zoe said with a smile.

"I can smell the meat cooking from here, I am speaking for myself," Jayne said, wondering who she had thought he was speaking for.

"It's a strange place to hold a family reunion," Inara said.

"I smell pot," Simon said with a frown.

"We're five miles out," Malcolm said with a smile, "U.S. laws don't apply."

"I can see why they'd hold it five miles out," Inara admitted.

"Is it safe for me to take River up there?" Simon asked, concerned.

"I've smoked pot before," River said.

"What?!" Simon stared at his younger sister. "You're only fifteen!"

"If you were any more uptight you'd be British," River told him.

"What does that even mean?" Simon asked, confused.

"I've met a couple of them," Malcolm said, "they seem pretty normal, but if it makes you feel better, I'll keep an eye on her."

"Thank you, Mr. Reynolds, that would be much appreciated," Simon said.

"Food awaits!" Wash called out, scurrying up the gangplank and onto the other ship.

Everyone hurried after him only to stop and stare when they reached the top.

"That is a massive amount of supplies," Zoe noted.

"And only a small amount of people," Wash added.

"Rich people are nuts," Jayne noted, "but in this case less people means more grub."

"Most of them are my age," River said cheerfully, heading towards the party, causing everyone else to move so they wouldn't be left behind.

"Ahoy the barge!" Malcolm called out as they approached the group. "Permission to come aboard?"

"Something appropriately nautical!" Giles called back and waved them forward.

"You're supposed to say, permission granted," Xander explained to Giles.

"Well, he'll know for next time," Malcolm said, offering a hand to Giles, who put a glass of scotch in it.

"Rupert Giles," he introduced himself. "My cover is a professional librarian."

"Malcolm Reynolds," the tug boat captain replied, "just a captain." He took a sip of the scotch. "This is good stuff."

"So… This is a family reunion?" Kaylee asked lightly.

"No, we're one of those end of the world cults," Xander said cheerfully. "We plan on partying all weekend and if the world hasn't ended by Monday… We go back to our normal lives and plan our next party… erm, end of the world event."

The tug crews and their friends laughed and joined the group, making individual introductions, the ice broken.

"Aren't cults supposed to be evil no-fun groups of nut cases?" River asked Xander, stepping close to him and causing Dawn to frown.

"That's us to a tee," Xander said with a grin. "Why, just the other day we were plotting on overthrowing the local government."

Everyone laughed as Joyce passed out plates of steaks and Faith showed them where the drinks were.

"So what's supposed to end the world this time?" Jayne asked curiously.

"Zombie apocalypse," Giles said. "At midnight the Egyptian god Anubis is going to cause all the dead to rise."

"The slow type of zombies that die if you shoot them in the head?" Jayne asked.

"Yes," Giles agreed.

"Doesn't sound like much of an apocalypse to me," Jayne said. "I mean sure in those commie states they might be a problem, but back home in Alabama they ain't nothing but a bit of target practice."

The Scoobies exchanged glances.

"The Constitution protects us from Zombie Apocalypses," Willow said slowly.

"Yeah, ain't it great!" Jayne said cluelessly.

"So… America and Sweden are good, it's just the rest of the world that's screwed," Faith said.

"Israel would also be good," Xander added.

"If you guys are crazy, it's a good kind of crazy," River said cheerfully.

"River!" Simon hissed at his sister.

"Where am I?!" a young woman called out as she approached the group, coming out from in between the semis.

Xander turned to Dawn. "You kidnapped Harmony?"

"She backed into the truck," Dawn reminded him.

Faith grabbed a wine cooler, opened it, and handed it to the groggy teen. "Here, join the party."

"Thanks," Harmony said, automatically taking a drink as she looked around.

"Why kidnap Harmony?" Willow asked, happy to change the subject.

"She backed into the truck and we didn't have time to handle the insurance paperwork," Dawn explained.

"I've been kidnapped?" Harmony asked.

"Yes, have some pizza," Faith told her, handing her a plate with several pieces of pizza on it.

"Thanks," Harmony said cheerfully. "Am I being sold into sex slavery? No, I know! You're going to make me do kinky sexual things while waiting for my parents to pay a ransom for me!"

"And Xander will be in charge of that," Oz told her, before taking another hit off his joint.

Harmony skipped over to Xander, who had to place a hand on Dawn's arm to keep her from shooting the blonde with another tranq.

"Has anyone kidnapped anyone else?" Giles asked, topping off Malcolm's drink and refilling his own.

"I was forced to come along," Wash offered.

Zoe rolled her eyes. "I didn't exactly twist your arm, hon."

"You said you were going to be here," Wash pointed out. "You've got me by the short hairs, woman!"

"That's sweet," Kaylee said with a grin.

"Indeed," Giles agreed. "But seriously, has anyone either on accident or design kidnapped anyone else?"

"Is that a common problem?" Inara asked.

"Only in Sunnydale," Giles said.

"We didn't," Buffy said.

"We didn't," Willow added.

"Andrew," Oz said.

"Andrew," Willow said thoughtfully. "He wouldn't…"

"He would," Oz said, offering the joint to Willow.

"Andrew?" Simon asked.

"We bought a bunch of RPG manuals," Oz explained while Willow coughed her lungs out. "He asked if he could look through a couple and take some notes, since he couldn't afford his own copies."

"We let him ride along in the back while we bought supplies," Willow explained once she could breathe again. "Knowing him, he's probably still in the back of the truck copying out the manuals by hand."

"You didn't check?" Buffy asked.

"It was just before lunch and the section he was in kinda got walled off by boxes," Willow admitted.

"That's Sunnydale for ya," Buffy said cheerfully.

"Pretty sure it's just you guys," Faith said.

Buffy shrugged. "No cop, no crime."

"You don't think… Harmony is going to press charges?" Zoe asked curiously.

Everyone turned to where Dawn, River, and Xander were listening wide eyed as Harmony was pantomiming something with a bright smile on her face.

"Probably not," Zoe conceded.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Wow, that Firefly crossover came outta nowhere! Can't wait to see what comes next!**

 **AN: I realized I needed a tug crew and well… who better.**


	52. Losing it all 2

**Losing it all 2**

The door held up just long enough for Xander to undo the last button on Cordy's blouse and the curvaceous brunette was quickly whipped away before he found himself crushed between a pair of crying girls.

Cordelia slowly rebuttoned her blouse and waited patiently for the two girls to stop wailing. After a full minute had passed so too did her patience. "Enough!" Cordelia yelled, getting their attention. "Breaking down someone's front door is not the best way to apologize to someone, neither is cockblocking them."

Buffy and Willow pulled back and slowly released Xander as they calmed down and wiped their eyes, finally paying attention to the world around them.

"Good," Cordelia said with a nod, "now come sit on the sofa."

The two strangely quiet girls timidly sat on the sofa. Willow passed Buffy a tissue.

"Now," Cordelia said, "Xander..." She frowned. "Explain the whole time thing to them."

"I've pieced together some of what happened here, but I don't remember any of it because I was kidnapped and had time screwed around with on me," Xander said, reigning in his own annoyance with the pair. "Let me tell you what happened from my point of view."

"Have any sodas in the fridge?" Cordelia interrupted.

"Yeah," Xander said, "none of them are diet though."

"The other me drank diet?" Cordelia asked.

Xander nodded.

"Weird," she said. "Let me get sodas for everyone, this is going to be a long talk."

"Thanks," he said smiling broadly at her.

"I-I'm so sorry," Buffy began, but Xander held up a hand.

"Wait until I tell you my story," he said. Cordelia returned and passed out sodas before squeezing in beside him on the chair. "I had just graduated high school and started off on my road trip, the one I'd been planning since I was a kid, the one my two best friends had sworn we would take together when we graduated high school."

"I didn't know that," Cordelia said.

"Me, Jessie, and Willow made a promise when we were in seventh grade," Xander explained. "You needed immediate answers, so I skipped some details."

"Thank you," Cordelia said, sliding an arm around him.

"No problem," he replied, amused that she was 'marking her territory' and slid an arm around her in return. "I was only a couple days in when my car stopped for no reason in the middle of the dessert. My first thought was that I was going to get killed by an axe murderer in the most cliché way possible. Naturally the universe decided that was too easy."

"But you're not dead," Buffy said, confused as Xander paused to take a drink.

"Sometimes dead is better," Xander said in a thick southern accent. Seeing no one got it he shook his head. "Stephen King's Pet Cemetery is a great horror movie. Anyway, I was kidnapped by aliens."

"What?!" Buffy and Willow chorused.

"Not outer space aliens, but something even weirder," Xander said. "I'm going to have to simplify a lot because...I'm not sure how much I actually have right and none of it was designed for human minds to comprehend anyway."

"Are you sure you didn't just get heatstroke?" Willow asked, trying to be gentle.

Xander snapped his fingers and the TV came on. "Pretty sure, yeah," he said, turning it off with another snap of his fingers.

"Ah-ok," Willow leaned back.

"I was born in Sunnydale and had never been outside it," Xander explained, "so I have absorbed a lot of the energy the Hellmouth radiates. That made me valuable as a... fuse or battery or possibly a bit of extra processing power for their computers. None of us could figure it out and with our minds linked together we were smart with a capital S."

"Others?" Buffy asked.

Xander nodded. "They only had use for a complete node, so they kidnapped one thousand and sixty-four Xanders."

"I thought there was only twenty or thirty of you, Cordelia said surprised.

"No, but our lives were similar enough that there were only twenty or thirty major divergence points we could find," Xander replied. "For all intents and purposes, we were pretty much interchangeable."

"How?" Willow demanded wide eyed.

Xander seemed to understand what she was asking. "They live in the void between universes which is some sort of undefined non-space time...stuff," he explained. "From there they reach into worlds pretty easily, but only one at a time as bridging two is... not something they do or can comprehend themselves, I think. Anyway, the energy of places where two or more universes connect, like the Hellmouth, are what powers their... everything. It helps define existence there in some way."

"How did you get loose? Did they just drop you off after you ran out of energy?" Buffy asked. "And what does that have to do with you no longer needing a TV remote?"

"After we were grabbed they removed everything they didn't need or ate it, or something. With one thousand sixty-four of us connected as one we regained our sanity and-"

"Repaired your sanity?!" they chorused.

"Do you guys practice that when I'm not around?" Xander asked before waving his hand. "Never mind, not important. Yeah, see the whole removing bits they don't need is done without pain killers. All they needed was out brain, sensory organs, and nervous system and it's not a quick process. You can't even pass out because they do something to keep your nerves from overloading."

"Fuck!" Willow said in horror, a startling curse from someone who never cursed.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "I'm not really sure about a number of things, but the end result was that we fixed or changed something making our node redundant. Since we were no longer active we weren't monitored by...whatever was watching us. It was easy to tell because being monitored... was like...it made you very aware of time." He shook his head. "We weren't being monitored and still had access to their tools, so we built ourselves replacement bodies, clothes, and tools of our own and split."

"From in-between?" Buffy asked.

Xander nodded. "Figuring out which... timeline was impossible, but we decided it wasn't that important as we were all the same person anyway. You see, what the beings referred to as a node is a single human soul."

"Each soul is one thousand and sixty-four people?" Willow asked.

"A section of it big enough to be called a node is," Xander replied. "Pretty sure the soul actually is infinite."

"So, you are and aren't our Xander?" Buffy asked.

"I'm still me, I just remember a different timeline," Xander said, "and I remember it up to a year after graduation, which hasn't happened yet."

"How different?" Buffy asked.

"So far I've only found a few differences," Xander replied. "Miss Calendar is alive, I never dated Willow, the time difference-"

"Alive?!" Buffy exclaimed just as Willow burst out, "Dated?!"

"Miss Calendar was murdered by Angelus a week after Valentine's day and left in Giles' bed. The sick bastard lit candles and left a trail of rose petals to her for Giles to find," Xander explained, Buffy paled and looked like she might vomit. Xander turned to Willow. "We started dating shortly after Halloween and broke up in the latter half of our senior year because you cheated on me with some drummer guy."

"Oz?" Willow asked.

"Freshman in college, short guy with dyed hair, blue or green," Xander replied. "No idea what his name was."

"That's my boyfriend, Oz," Willow said, "me and you... never dated here, no smoochies, nada!"

Xander nodded. "Yeah, Cordelia told me. I'm not going to hold it against you."

"Ok," Willow said quietly.

"I guess your Angelus was crueler than mine," Buffy offered.

"No, just stupider about who he chose to target," Xander replied. "I'm guessing in this timeline I staked him and we got in a fight?"

Buffy froze and nodded stiffly. "He didn't target you here, you targeted him and ... and I d-didn't notice you were injured, just that A-Angel was dead. I-I was m-mad -" she began to stutter.

"Stop," Xander said holding up a hand. "I got the picture. I kinda figured it was something like that."

"I rushed you to the hospital, running as fast as I could," Buffy said, tears beginning to drip down her face.

"I didn't know what had happened...and I yelled at you," Willow admitted. "You banned us from visiting you at the hospital and then...you left." Willow tried to comfort her crying friend, but her own eyes were getting watery.

"I forgive you," Xander said, "let's get that out of the way right now. Alexander 'no middle name admitted' Harris is in perfect physical health now and is holding zero grudges for any mistakes we have made in the past, OK?"

"B-but the doctors said-" Buffy began.

"I rebuilt my body, remember?" Xander pointed out.

"Still doesn't change how much I hurt you," Buffy said.

"I've seen the medical report," Xander replied, "and I'm pretty sure the worst of the injuries were caused by Angelus, you just... made them a little more severe. I mostly blame him."

"You only blame me a little?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"I don't blame you at all," Xander answered her. "I blame Angelus for the majority of it and myself for letting Angelus get to me so badly that I had to see his face as I killed him."

"You kept a diary?" Willow asked.

"No, but I left enough clues behind to figure it out," Xander assured her.

"What'd he do?" Cordelia asked.

"He sent me video tapes," Xander said. "I have three dozen video tapes addressed to me personally recorded by him, each lasting six hours, if not more as he has a couple that require more than one tape to cover." Xander gestured to the box on top of the VCR.

The girls turned and regarded the box like it was a live cobra.

"What's on the tapes?" Buffy asked nervously.

"More like who," Xander said, confirming what Buffy feared.

"You should have told me," she almost whispered, her mind conjuring up a plethora of horrors that she knew probably didn't compare to what was on those tapes.

"Angelus was having me watched," Xander replied, "he gloated about it on the first tape and included enough details to prove it. Anyone I told was going to be the next target and I had to watch the tapes from beginning to end to find out what I had to do to keep him from targeting our families."

"Jesus H. Christ!" Cordelia exploded, before clutching Xander tightly.

"Most of it was something like wearing certain types of clothes or patterns of colors," Xander said, "just to prove I was obeying and watching, but on the last tape he gloated about how my color choice, when he said to wear a shirt that was all one color like the many other choices I was given, told him how to choose the next victim and what to do to them."

The girls stared at him in horror.

"Yeah, he was trying to make me feel responsible for his deranged actions, like he wouldn't have raped, tortured and murdered them if I hadn't gone along with him," Xander said. "Unfortunately, my younger self fell for it and was so upset he had to kill him in person, rather than do the sensible thing and figure out how much collateral damage was acceptable."

"Collateral damage?" Cordelia asked.

Xander nodded. "A five gallon can of gasoline and a match can turn a warehouse into a deathtrap. The real problem is making sure they don't have sewer access as that is their favorite escape route, but you can either collapse the tunnel or set a trap down there as well. I think a couple more gallons of gasoline and a trip wire rounds things out nicely myself."

"Or just set the fire so it shoots out of the sewer to burn the place down," Cordelia suggested.

Xander nodded. "That is a very good idea, if I ever need to commit arson I will run my plans by you first."

Cordelia beamed.

"And in your world you didn't kill Angel?" Buff asked.

"In my world you were forced to do it after his soul was restored because Angelus had activated a demon statue that was about to destroy the world," Xander said.

"That's horrible!" Buffy said, shuddering. Willow put an arm around her and tried to comfort her.

"You'd just been kicked out of the house because Joyce did not take finding out you were a vampire slayer well, Willow was in a mini coma from trying to ensoul Angel, Giles was tortured for information by Angelus, I think I had a busted arm, and Kendra was killed by Drusilla," Xander listed off. "Almost forgot, you were blamed for her death thanks to Snyder and kicked out of school."

"Holy crap!" Willow exclaimed.

"Yeah, you ran off to LA leaving us to deal with patrolling the Hellmouth alone for the summer," Xander said. "It was not a good year for any of us."

"At least you won't have to go through that again," Cordelia said giving him a squeeze.

"Actually, we will," Xander said. "While in LA Buffy broke up a demonic slavery operation that was preying on the homeless."

"I… do?" Buffy asked, not sure which tense to use.

"It's kind of a big deal," Xander said. "We can handle the summer lull without you."

"I don't think mom is going to let me run off to LA," Buffy said.

"It really helped your relationship with your mom," Xander said, "though I did spend a lot of time keeping her spirits up that you'd be found."

"I don't want her mixed up in things," Buffy said, shaking her head.

"She's almost been killed several times because she doesn't know what's going on," Xander said, "keeping her ignorant is a death sentence."

"I... She had me committed when I told her I was a vampire slayer," Buffy admitted.

"This time you are going to run away and give her time to think about things," Xander said. "Crazy as it sounds, it works out in the end."

"Can I get off this emotional roller coaster, please?" Buffy begged.

"Too much, too quickly?" Xander guessed, causing Buffy to nod her head like her neck was on a spring.

"Fine, I'll keep any more surprises to myself until you've recovered a bit," Xander promised. "We'll just keep mum on things for another week, sound good?"

"God, yes!" Buffy moaned in relief, causing Willow and Cordelia to laugh.

"Just don't ask me any questions," Xander said, "or I'll answer, because I kinda suck at lying."

"I'll remind you," Willow promised Buffy.

"I'll do my part too," Cordelia said brightly, "I know exactly what to do."

"And what's that?" Buffy asked.

"I'm going to fuck his brains out," Cordelia said bluntly. "He can't answer questions or release disturbing revelations if he's been screwed into a coma."

Buffy and Willow's jaws dropped.

"Now if you'll excuse us I was just beginning to do that very thing when you interrupted," Cordelia said, getting up and ushering them out the broken front door.

The two girls were left standing at the closed door while hearing Cordelia prop something heavy in front of it to keep it closed.

They turned to each other ready to question if that had actually just happened when the sounds of smooth jazz began to drift through the air and in complete agreement they both turned and left.

 **typing by: Hawfeld**


	53. A Plethora of SINs 2

**A Plethora of SINs : Self Insert Nerima 2**

 **And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 38 : Part 1**

There were two doors, a brown door that lead to the next level and a green one that lead…

John grabbed the handle and the trio found themselves in what looked to be a demonic strip mall.

Kuno looked around, figuring the odds and lines of attack but John placed a hand on his arm. "This is a no fighting zone, we can safely buy supplies and hopefully find a healer for Ranko."

"For you?" Kuno asked.

John smiled. "The blonde-haired healer you rescued has more claim to the name Ranko than I do, though getting us both fully healed is also a good idea."

"Indeed," Kuno said, a broad smile on his face.

John looked in the various torch lit caves as they passed them, recognizing what they sold by the items on display. Apparently the Rozen Corporation hadn't bought everyone out in this reality.

"She is dressed as a healer," Kuno offered, spotting a cave across the way.

"Good eye," John said as they entered the well-lit cave with half a dozen black marble tables and a softly glowing base panel on the floor near the back.

"Need healing?" the demoness asked hopefully.

"Full healing for our healer," John replied, calling Ranko up from the base panel.

Kuno practically teleported across the room to sweep the unsteady cleric up in his arms less than second after she appeared on top of the panel.

"Master?" she asked Kuno.

"Say yes," John ordered him.

"Yes," Kuno agreed before his face lit up in a grin. "Cure!" he proclaimed, and a white glow surrounded Ranko for a moment, leaving her looking a lot less bruised.

"I'll do the healing here, thank you," the white robed demoness said as she steered Kuno towards a black marble table. "Set her here."

"I can heal," Kuno said in wonder as he stepped back.

"While in contact with her you can share skills," John explained. "Do it enough and you can make the skill your own."

A white mist floated up from the table, removing any trace of injury Ranko had, followed by a green mist that restored color to her cheeks.

"Full health and mana," John said as Ranko sat up and smiled broadly at Kuno.

"Your turn Kuno," John said, noting how little it had actually cost to restore her to full health.

"Mine?" he asked absently, distracted by Ranko who was licking her lips as she examined him.

"It'll not only heal all your wounds, it'll restore your full vigor," John explained, not wanting to go into the details of mana use and consumption.

"Very well," Kuno said, lying on a slab. "Healer if you'd care to attend me."

A white mist rose from the slab, washing away any nicks or cuts Kuno had suffered, followed by a green mist that added a little more color to his face.

"That was very refresh-" Kuno began before a blue mist rose up and was absorbed into his skin, causing his muscles to swell and adding focus to his gaze. "My clothes feel a bit tight," he noted as he sat up and had to adjust himself, "and everything seems… so clear."

John wondered what status ailments had just been removed and wished she'd thought to check, for curiosity's sake if nothing else.

"Your turn," the demoness said.

"I need a glass of hot water first," John said, recalling several fics where Ranma was 'cured' while in his cursed form, leaving him female forever, as he hadn't been smart enough to go get the male curse and get it locked.

"A strange request," the healer said before ducking behind a counter and returning with a cup of water that she heated up by blowing on it, exhaling flame.

"Impressive trick," Kuno said.

"Everyone watch carefully," John ordered. "Now, I went to a training ground a few years ago and was knocked into a cursed spring. Anyone touched by the spring's water would take the form of what had drowned there last."

"And the hot water?" Kuno asked curiously.

"Hot water temporarily returns you to the form of your birth until cold water finds you again," John explained.

"You mean…" Kuno's voice trailed off as he started putting together a number of facts, then he frowned as they still didn't tell him what was going on, only that he'd behaved like an idiot for the past... decade. "What do you mean?"

"I fell into the spring of drowned girl," John explained, pouring the water over her head and restoring his manhood.

"I've been trying to woo a guy?" Kuno asked quietly.

"One you thought was a girl and actually was one at the time," John said.

"At least you had world class breasts," Kuno said.

"Hey!" Ranko complained.

"The same breasts you possess," he assured her, restoring her smile.

"Heal all," John told the healer as he laid on a slab.

As the white mist covered his form, he could feel any slight discomfort drain away as every single cut and bruise vanished as if they'd never existed. The green mist soaked into his skin revitalizing not just his body but his mind as well. He felt like he did during a particularly productive writing session.

John felt the best he'd ever felt in any of his lives and then the blue mist rose around him… It was like waking up. He felt like gauze had been removed from his brain and a weight had been lifted from his back.

"Why are my clothes so tight?" he complained.

"You've gained at least a couple of inches in height as well as… everywhere else," Kuno offered.

"A nice bonus," John decided, hopping to his feet before wincing and adjusting his pants. "OK, let's go clothes shopping."

"Clothes shopping?" Ranko asked.

"Shopping for new armor and weapons," John corrected.

"Now that's more like it," Ranko said with a bright smile.

 **Three shops and the majority of their money later…**

John stared in disbelief. The consumables shop was selling MR. GENCY'S EXITS!

"I'll take a dozen," John said, using almost all of his remaining cash.

"And what is that?" Kuno asked as John held up a small brown door.

"Our way home," he replied cheerfully.

"We aren't finishing the current level?" Ranko asked.

"We only had a couple of monsters left," John said, "I suppose it would be a waste to leave now, when we could just exit the next level."

"I can easily handle the remaining creatures," Kuno offered.

"Alright let's go," John said, leading the way back to the door to the level and touching the handle, causing the world to dissolve and reform around them once more.

Kuno barely waited for the world to stabilize before shooting forward, his samurai armor clinking as the metal plates rang with his movements, his katana a flash of silver that cut through the remaining monsters in an instant.

The sound of the level ending and money pouring into his inventory filled John's ears and he had a glimpse of the next level… and spotted several geo panels, before he activated Mr. Gency's door and grabbed the handle.

The world dissolved into light before reforming once more, the mundane reality of high school surrounding them once more. John was glad to see that Ranko and Kuno had both made it out with him. He hadn't been sure it would work that way and half convinced they'd be stuck in his base panel in between visits to item worlds.

"We're back," Kuno said with a grin, sweeping Ranko up in a hug and spinning her around.

"And in school," John agreed, quickly switching his black and red gi with his normal school clothes. "I'd suggested taking a day or two off, to get Ranko settled in and get her some ID."

"How would I go about getting her ID?" Kuno asked, never having run across that sort of problem before.

"My Pops and Mr. Tendo can handle it, just throw a bundle of money at them," John suggested. "Now if you'll excuse me, I don't want to be late for class."

"Thank you," Kuno said agreeably, "I believe I will take your advice. Come Ranko, let's get you some clothes and… How resistant are you to poisons?"

"I have a spell that neutralizes all poisons," Ranko replied.

Kuno beamed. "Wonderful, in that case I can introduce you to my sister."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

John made it to class without any more interruptions and quietly did his work, which caused one teacher to flee in terror and the rest to tremble, until lunch rolled around and he was bombarded with questions.

"I was challenged to pay attention in class," he quickly lied, calming most of the students in his class down.

"Dude, we saw Kuno leave with you in a blonde wig," Daisuke pointed out.

"Well, since I'm still here obviously it wasn't me," John replied. Seeing one of the crowd try to subtly unscrew the top of his water bottle, John got ready to dodge. Ranma's awareness was limited to those he considered dangerous, John's however was a lot more sensitive as he considered humans inherently dangerous… Even the ones who couldn't punch through concrete.

"Ranma honey," Ukyo said, laying a hand on his arm, "Do you know why Kuno was seen leaving with someone who looked like a female you in a blonde wig?"

"Oops!" one of the boys called out as he spun the top off his water bottle with his thumb and attempted to squeeze the bottle so the water would shoot out. When nothing happened the boy looked down at his hand, only to find it empty and as he raised his eyes back up, he found a thoroughly unamused martial artist.

"I understand some people are just naturally clumsy," John said, holding the bottle of water with his left hand and taking a packet of instant curse water out with his right.

The crowd pulled back, sensing John's ire as the boy tried to escape, only to find his right foot pinned firmly to the floor, by John's.

"Of course I can also tell when someone is faking it," John said as he dumped the packet into the bottle and gave the boy a moment to realize what was about to happen. "Oops," John deadpanned before upending the bottle over the panicking boy.

The crowd watched in shock as Kensuke shrank half a foot while her chest strained her top near to bursting.

"This is only temporary," John said with a glare at the young girl, "but if you ever splash me again, I'll make it permanent."

Kensuke's eyes rolled back in her head as she passed out.

John ignored her. "Any other questions?" he asked, grinning evilly at the crowd.

The crowd quickly dispersed.

"Ranma… Are you OK?" Akane asked carefully.

"Just drawing a line in the sand," John replied, "people deliberately splashing me for perverse reasons will be… chastised."

"OK," Akane said nervously.

"When you say chastised…" Ukyou trailed off.

"Relax," John said, smiling at the two girls, "both of you are exempt. I know enough to know fiancés have different rules than most people. Not sure what those rules are and they seem to shift from person to person…" John scratched his chin. "We may want to write some up, because otherwise I gotta go by Mom and Pops… and their rules don't exactly match up."

"I'll say," a relieved Akane agreed. "Your Mom wants you to behave like Happosai and Genma… I don't really know what he's told you."

John went through his memories for what Genma had told Ranma, before puffing himself up and pulling a white bandana out of nowhere to wrap around his head. "Boy! Girls are a distraction from the art, ignore them. Spending time with women will just make you weak!"

"That's all he told you?" Ukyou asked, sighing at his nod. "Figures. Good thing for health class."

"For what?" John asked, doing his best to sound clueless.

"Ranma… you have taken Sex Ed, right?" Akane asked.

"Boy, you don't need to know that stuff, it'll only waste time better spent training," John said, doing his Genma impersonation. "Anything you need to know your wife can teach you."

"You don't know anything?!" Akane exclaimed in shock.

"Genma you jackass!" Ukyou growled.

"I've seen animals, can't be all that different," John replied with a shrug. "Seen a special on baboons and silver back gorillas, they're almost human."

"Please tell me you're joking," Akane begged.

John blinked, trying to look clueless… and rolling a natural twenty.

"Nobody taught him anything!" Ukyou told Akane in horror.

"You guys have taught me," John protested. "Akane taught me I am to remain dressed at all times, even in the bath, and that I am never to see you naked or it's perverted."

Akane paled and clutched her chest.

"Ukyou taught me… not much and a lot of it is contradictory, mostly that if I do something romantic like kiss a cheek or hold hands, it's embarrassing and I'll either get smacked into the ground or she'll freeze up." John shrugged. "Some of this stuff is pretty obvious."

Satisfied, John went to eat his lunch. 'Without the pervert label I should get a bit more peace and quiet,' he thought cheerfully.

Akane and Ukyou looked at one another and instantly came to an agreement, they would teach Ranma about sex and relationships before someone else butted in and screwed things up!

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	54. Storage Space 2

**STORAGE SPACE 2**

 **Part 1 : And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Ch 46**

"I don't see anything," Peter said as they parked the Ecto and looked around.

"I believe he mentioned a psychic blind-spot," Egon reminded him, "lacking any psychic abilities we wouldn't be able to perceive it directly."

"You're a psychic?" Peter asked Xander.

Xander shrugged. "Hell if I know, I just tend to trip over these things. Anyway, there is a work around so you can see it."

"Really, What?" Peter asked seriously.

Xander pulled a roll of tinfoil out of his jacket with a grin.

"Of course," Egon said, "you mentioned your neighbors were a bunch of tinfoil hat wearers."

"You know I've lived my whole life trying not to be seen as a tinfoil hat wearer," Peter complained as Egon expertly folded a sheet of tinfoil to make a child's pirate cap.

"You don't have to come," Xander told him, "you can watch the car."

Peter sighed. "No, I hate not being the center of attention even more."

Egon stopped himself from laughing and passed Peter a pirate hat, a grin on his lips.

"I not only recognize and accept my narcissism, I revel in it," Peter said, putting the hat on. "Now, where is the invisible building?"

"Right over there," Xander said, waving to the right.

"Holy..." Peters voice trailed off as he stared at the Monolith Hotel, a building straight out of the 1920's and the heyday of New York's social scene. The buildings around it may have been newer, but they lacked its presence and smooth lines.

"It looks like it'd cost me a week's paycheck just to stay the night," Peter said.

"Rent is voluntary," Xander said, "we've got a landlady but she just takes donations to pay for trash pickup and maintenance."

"In a building this size?" Egon questioned, trying to calculate the amount needed.

"There isn't that many people and they mainly stick to the first two floors," Xander replied.

"Even in New York there is a limit to the number of unstable individuals," Egon realized.

"No offense," Peter added, making Xander laugh.

"None taken," Xander assured him as he lead them inside.

"It's immaculate," Egon noted in shock as they entered the lobby, a perfect example of an upscale hotel from the roaring 20's decorated in black marble and gold trim.

"Hey Kylie," Xander called out, summoning a gothic dressed teen to the front desk.

"Xander," she said with a bright smile, completely at odds with her appearance. "What can I do to you?"

"I got a job working with the Ghostbusters, so I'm moving out," Xander explained, ignoring her Freudian slip.

"You look familiar," Peter said seeing her frown.

Kylie turned to him and smirked. "You had my grandmother on your show, Madam Rose."

"But she was a fraud," Peter said, "so how..."

Kylie laughed. "Fake psychics make money, real psychics get kidnapped for secret government agencies."

"I...she bamboogled me!" Peter complained.

"So psychic abilities are genetically dominant?" Egon asked curiously.

"Both my parents have talents," Kylie said with a smile, "and that's all I'm willing to say."

"Even if not a dominant trait, like attracts like," Egon said thoughtfully, "ensuring its continuation."

"I'll still stop by," Xander promised, "but something about this place makes my head hurt and makes it hard to sleep."

"You live on the fifth floor and use the elevator," Kylie pointed out.

"And?" Xander asked.

"And haven't you noticed you're the only one who does either of those things?" she asked in disbelief.

"Uh...no," Xander admitted.

Kylie shook her head. "Most people can't go beyond the second floor and only the gifted ones live on the third and none of us use the elevator."

"You've taken the elevator before," Xander said.

"Only with you," she said, "I trust you enough to ride with you and you push the buttons."

"What am I not noticing that everyone else gets?" Xander asked.

"Existential dread," Kylie replied. "First and second floors have a negligible amount, you just find yourself asking questions, which people who wear tinfoil, for something other than reasons of fashion, already do. Third floor has enough that you need active shields to hold it off."

"And the fifth?" Peter asked.

"You have to get past the fourth first," Kylie said, "and it makes you think something is lurking in the shadows ready to jump out at you. It's not fun, but I have managed to poke around up there for nearly half an hour before being forced to retreat."

Seeing everyone look at him, Xander shrugged. "I'm from Sunnydale, something was always lurking in the shadows ready to pounce."

"I didn't even make it up the stairs to the fifth," Kylie admitted, "three steps up and it feels like I was at the gates of hell. I may be strong, but I'm not that strong."

"And you never noticed?" Egon asked Xander.

"It did kinda remind me of the library in my old high school," Xander admitted, "but that still doesn't explain the elevator."

"Pushing the buttons feels like the inevitability of death," Kylie explained, "plus, what if you accidentally hit the wrong one and went to a higher floor?" She shuddered.

"That explains why I didn't get any visitors," Xander said.

"Think we should take the stairs?" Peter asked Egon.

"We can take the elevator down, but it would probably be best to start off slow," Egon agreed.

"Do we have to keep the hats on?" Peter asked.

"No," Kylie replied, "you only need them to get past the notice-me-not field." She came out from behind the counter. "Follow me."

"Sooo how did this all get set up?" Peter asked, taking the hat off and folding it up to stick in his jacket pocket.

"You'd have to ask one of the old timers," Kylie said, "my family didn't move here until sometime in the sixties."

"And you never questioned it?" Egon asked. "I mean surely you noticed how your life differed from the norm."

"My entire family is psychic and my mom pretends to be a fake while subtly helping people," Kylie replied.

"Touché," Peter said, amused and seeing where she was coming from.

"Fish don't question why there's water, they question why other creatures live on land," Kylie explained.

"Very insightful," Egon conceded.

"And the stairs," she announced, gesturing to the fire door before pushing it open.

"Never actually seen them," Xander said as he followed her into the stairwell, "the elevator was always open."

The four climbed the stairs which had the same excessive elegance as the lobby.

"Second floor," Kylie announced as they reached the door to the second floor.

"No noticeable effects," Egon noted.

"Then on to the third," She said cheerfully. When they reached the landing between the second and third she stopped to check. "Everyone OK?"

"Rigorous mental defenses are necessary in our line of work," Egon said.

"You would not believe the mental exercises he's had us do," Peter offered.

"On to three it is," Kylie said cheerfully. This time she didn't stop at three but pushed on to the landing between three and four. "Everyone still good?"

"I feel a tad paranoid," Peter admitted, "but with all the things that have attempted to kill me, it's a familiar place."

"Shields are holding," Egon reported.

"Ok then we press on," Kylie said. Once they'd reached the fourth she stopped. "I've never gone past this point."

"Yeah, I can see why," Peter admitted. He could almost feel the heat wafting off the stairs in front of him, even though he knew they were no warmer than the stairs they had already climbed. He knew that the moment he set a foot on them he'd hear the souls of the damned screaming out for- _ ***SMACK!***_

Xander and Kylie were almost as shocked as Peter was at the way Egon had just backhanded him.

"Act like a bitch, get smacked like a bitch," Egon said dryly.

Peter rubbed his cheek a smile slowly growing on his face. "OK, as motivational speeches go it could use some work, but in this instance, I'll give it a ten out of ten." Peter stepped forward and found the will to continue, slowly climbing the stairs in front of himself.

Egon turned to Xander a question in his eyes.

"I live there, I don't need any help," Xander replied.

"If you smack me, I'll stab you," Kylie told him.

"Fair enough," Egon said. "Would one of you mind slapping me and saying something drastically out of character so I may continue?"

 ***SMACK***

Egon shook his head, his cheek bright red.

"If it wasn't for my horse, I'd never have made it into college," Xander said solemnly.

Egon turned and walked up the steps his brow furrowed. "What does a horse have to do with college these days?"

"If you're going to smack my cheek, don't hit my face," Kylie told him, trying and failing to sound casual, her blush apparent.

Xander swept her up bridal style and followed the other two up the steps. "You still underage?"

"For a few more months," she admitted. "You can't tell me I'll magically become more mature between now and then."

"No, not a great deal more mature," he admitted, "but if we aren't mature enough to wait a few months, we aren't mature enough to have a relationship."

"I can see the logic in that point of view, I'll be patient...until I can come up with an equally logical rebuttal," she conceded.

"The floor is remarkably clean considering the dust on this level," Egon noted, running a finger along the wall and then flicking the dust off a moment later.

"Not going to be my favorite place, but it's tolerable," Peter added.

"Stabby got loose," Xander replied leading them to his room, just a couple of doors down from the elevator, room #502. "I picked this room at random," Xander said, leaning down to open the door while still carrying Kylie.

"Nice," Peter said as the room was revealed, thinking that he wished his apartment looked half as nice before remembering what he'd been about to ask. "Stabby?"

"I'll introduce you in a minute," Xander replied, carrying Kylie inside and setting her on the bed as she reluctantly released him, shivering a little at the feel of the place.

"It is both nerve wracking and draining to be here," Egon announced, "I would suggest we move quickly."

"Sure," Xander agreed, collecting a number of items he'd hidden around the room and putting them on the bed, before dragging a steamer trunk out of the closet.

While Xander retrieved all his toiletries from the bathroom, the three examined everything he'd piled on the bed, needing a distraction.

"Those knives look like they belong in a museum," Peter said as he picked up a dagger that was clearly hand forged and at least two centuries old.

"Well they did come from a museum," Xander called out.

"You defaced a copy of Tobin's Spirit Guide?" Egon demanded, sounding appalled as he paged through the book and saw the many notations.

"Not I," Xander said, opening the trunk and sorting things into drawers, before moving on to the dresser.

"Some of these are...very interesting," Egon admitted, taking a second look at what had been written.

Suddenly Peter yelped and leapt on top of the bed clutching his ankle.

"You found Stabby!" Xander said cheerfully as a high-pitched squeak came from under the bed.

 **Typing by: Hawfeld**


	55. Preboarding Denied

"What were you thinking?!" Buffy demanded, poking him hard in the chest.

Xander stumbled back and rubbed his chest. "Ow! Well obviously I was thinking I would be dead so I wouldn't have to explain anything!"

"What?!" Buffy exclaimed in shock.

"What?" Xander asked, confused.

"You were going to kill yourself?!" Buffy demanded, wide eyed.

"No, the portal was going to kill me or cast me into hell or whatever, but it all amounts to the same thing."

"I… I… I can't handle this," Buffy said, collapsing on a bench and hyperventilating.

Xander let her recover as he looked around himself curiously. "A British Train Station done in grey scale. It's a weird kind of hell, but not mine." Xander chuckled and tapped his knee with the flat of the holy sword he was still carrying. "And here I was told there was a special place for me in hell, what liars."

"How could you do it?" Buffy asked.

"Do what?" Xander asked.

"Throw your life away," she replied.

"Throw my life away?" he repeated. "You did notice the world was about to end, right? If I hadn't gone, everyone would have died and I'm a part of that 'everyone', so I didn't throw anything away, I simply pre-boarded."

"I would have stopped it!" Buffy exclaimed.

"If the solution was in Angel's mouth, I'm sure you would have," Xander replied sarcastically, "but the solution required a sacrifice you weren't willing to make."

Buffy just stared at him in shock.

"Maybe I am in Hell," Xander muttered, shaking his head. "Why else would I be stuck with a fake Buffy that embodies all her worst traits?"

"What? I am me!" Buffy exclaimed. "Buffy Summers, one hundred percent real, right here, right now!"

"I just don't buy it," Xander said. "I sacrifice myself to save the world, so she would be thanking me, not berating me or spitting on my sacrifice."

"There had to be some other way to handle it," Buffy argued.

"There wasn't," Xander disagreed. "Buffy couldn't sacrifice Angelus to keep her own mother safe, so killing Angel? Yeah, not happening. Besides, the portal was already open and growing larger while she made out with him, who knows how long it'd take before it couldn't be stopped by a sacrifice?"

"I was not making out with him, I was comforting him because he was horrified at what Angelus had done while he was loose," Buffy argued, "and what do you mean it couldn't be stopped?"

"Didn't look like that to me, but I am biased," Xander admitted. "Even if you ignore how I feel about Buffy, my feelings on college age guys dating high school girls is enough to make me look down on him, and he's a lot older than any guy in college. Now as for the portal, well it was supposed to swallow the world, which has a number of Champions and blessed objects all over it and since one was used to reactivate it, none of these things could shut it down when simply swallowed a minute later or there would have been no prophecy, since it would be a portal that opened and swallowed a couple of feet of mansion and vanished. No, the prophecy said 'world' which means after a few seconds it had to be unstoppable. So that's why I had to act fast while Buffy messed around with Angel."

"I… never thought of that," Buffy admitted.

Xander shrugged and tried to read the train schedule posted on a column. "Hmm."

"What?" Buffy asked curiously.

"Loads of destinations," Xander replied, "almost all of them afterlives. The exception is reincarnation I'm guessing, but… I don't know what my karma level is, so it's a bit of a crap-shoot."

"You just sacrificed your life to save the world," Buffy pointed out, "pretty sure you have some saved up."

Xander considered the fake Buffy's words. "Even taking into account how pissed I was and a little bit of petty jealousy mixed in with my motivations… I should be good," he decided. "Reincarnation it is."

"How does that work?" Buffy asked.

"Apparently the train kicks you off at the stop that corresponds with how much positive karma you have," Xander replied absently as he saw an old man with a long white beard talk to a guy with glasses a little farther down the platform.

"That doesn't sound so bad," Buffy decided, following him as he headed for the only other people in the station.

The pair reached the old man, but the young man who was with him was nowhere to be seen.

"Greetings," the old man said cheerfully, noting the way the young woman moved and feeling the positive energy the sword the young man carried radiated.

"Hi," Xander replied, "made your decision yet? I'm thinking reincarnation personally."

"Reincarnation?" the old man asked curiously, surprised the angel had suggested that, but willing to follow his instructions.

Xander nodded. "Best way to make sure you get what you deserve and a chance to make up for your mistakes."

"Put like that… I can see why I should choose it," the old man agreed, as a train pulled into the station behind them.

"Shall we?" Xander asked cheerfully, his mood much improved by finding someone not complaining about his choices.

"I believe so," the old man agreed and preceded him onto the train.

Buffy picked up the crying baby, its deformed features smoothing out as the grey skin turned pink once more. She was so distracted by the baby that the train had already started to pull out of the station before she ran after it, leaping for the caboose as it left the station behind.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

He awoke with a feral anger driving him, using the sword in his hand to slice himself free from the tube he was in. He could hear a fight going on somewhere nearby, though a quick glance around showed he was in an underground vault surrounded by a strange combination of high technology and either aliens or demons.

Xander concentrated on the sword in his hand, using it to center himself, the rage quickly fading much to his relief. He waited for a few seconds, but his mind remained clear. Breathing a sigh of relief, he searched the vault, discovering a tube containing a red haired teen missing half his right arm next to his own now destroyed tube.

Xander didn't hesitate, a quick swing of the sword sliced the end off the tube and let him free the occupant.

The teen slowly woke up, looking shocked and horrified as he discovered half of his arm was missing, before recovering enough control to take in his surroundings. "Superman?" he asked cautiously.

"I don't think so," Xander replied, "normal man is what they generally call me. Now, let's escape before the… creatures that stuffed us in tubes finds out we're loose."

"Creatures?" the red head looked around the empty vault. "What creatures?"

"The ones…" Xander's voice trailed off. "OK, I have X-Ray vision, maybe the Superman comment isn't too far off the mark. There are a number of humanoid creatures in the underground complex we are in and I don't think they are our friends."

He took a deep breath and let it out. "Alright, our first priority is escape. What's our quickest route out?"

Xander slowly turned in a circle, looking up and down as he did so. "If you want to escape through the villain's lair, we gotta go through several levels to hit a secret passage out and we'd probably have to fight most of the way. The longer path would require breaking through that wall over there and walking a few miles in the dark through a series of natural caverns, making it a lot quicker even if we are covering more ground."

"Natural caverns are the safer route," Red decided. "Can you melt a way through the wall?"

"Melt?" Xander asked, before realizing what he was asking. "I don't know how to use heat vision, let me see if I can brute force it."

Red moved to the far end of the vault as Xander attacked the wall, quickly breaking through into the cavern.

"Ready?" Xander asked, scanning to make sure the ceiling was stable.

"Yeah," Red agreed with a nod, and then was forced to steady himself, almost falling when he tried to use his missing arm.

Xander appeared next to him in an instant, sweeping him up in a princess carry. "You rest, I'll get us out of here."

Red didn't even have time to reply before they vanished into the darkness, the wind whistling past him and a sword in his lap. They came to a stop next to an underground river, the light of the full moon allowing a little light into the cavern through it.

"If you don't mind getting wet we can be out in seconds," Xander said.

"Can you collapse the room we escaped from?" Red asked. "If they think we're dead, we'll have an easier time of it, plus we need to be scanned for trackers."

Xander set him on his feet. "Hold my sword for me, please."

"Sure," Red replied as Xander vanished in a burst of speed, reappearing seconds later. "No trackers in you and I collapsed both the vault we were in and the cavern next to it. Not sure they'll buy me dying that way though."

"Never underestimate how stupid people can be," Red suggested. "Alright, let's get wet."

"Take a deep breath and a good grip on my sword," Xander said, picking Red up once more.

Red took several deep breaths and then inhaled deeply and held it. The next thing he knew they were standing on the surface next to a river. "I'm not even wet," he noted with some surprise.

"It's a thing," Xander said, reclaiming his sword. "Now we need clothes and supplies. Any ideas?"

"Depends on where we are," Red said. "Where are we?"

Xander crouched down for a second before launching himself upwards, soaring a good forty feet in the air and looking around before landing with a loud thud that embedded him knee deep in the ground. "Smithsonian National Zoological Park, Washington D.C." he told him.

"This is far from my range," Red admitted. "I was hoping we were in my home city. Any ideas?"

"Depends," Xander said. "Do you mind dressing as a girl?"

"Why?" Red asked suspiciously, hearing a note of humor in Xander's voice.

"Because I've spotted a couple of backpacks that are in a tree for some reason and while there are some male clothes that would fit me… most of it is female and more your size," Xander explained.

"I can pull it off," Red decided.

"Good, because you are going to stick out enough with only the one arm," Xander admitted.

Red froze as his mind fed him half a dozen ways to replace it… all of them using techniques he'd never had the remotest knowledge of before this moment. "I can reasonably fake having an arm if there's some long sleeve shirts and enough material to fill a sleeve. We'll have more problems with your eyes than my arm."

"What's wrong with my eyes?" Xander asked curiously.

"You look exactly like Superman, minus a decade, and with the whites of your eyes replaced with black," Red explained.

"That's… strange," Xander admitted. "So… I'm guessing I'm a clone then?"

"That would be my guess," Red admitted.

"And Superman is a real…" Xander paused and quickly thought up something else to say, "larger than life, well known, public figure?"

"Yeah, but out of costume, no one will mistake you for him thanks to the age and… eyes," he finished.

"I'm not sensitive about being a clone or having weird looking eyes," Xander decided. "I've got 'all the powers' and that makes up for a lot of things."

"Good point," Red agreed. "I'm annoyed at losing an arm, but I'm pretty sure I can replace it later."

"Good, now since neither one of us is overly sensitive… how about introductions?" Xander waited a moment before adding, "If you have a secret ID I can call you something else."

"If I still had a secret ID at this point, I'd be amazed," Red admitted as he considered the question. "They took my arm, so they have my fingerprints at the very least."

Xander snickered. "Bad joke."

"The very best, I'd say I deserve some applause or for you to give me a hand but…" Red smirked as Xander laughed. "My name is Roy, I'm also known as Speedy."

"Nice to meet you Roy," Xander said. "I'm a clone of Superman… but not a perfect one, call me Xander."

"Like Alexander Luthor?" Roy asked pointedly.

"Nope, like Alexander, the defender of man," Xander replied. "My memories… the ones that aren't filled with incoherent rage," Xander stroked his sword unconsciously, "seem to point to his being a douche-bag even when he's trying to do the right thing."

"Then why Xander and Alexander?" Roy asked.

"Because Zan-Dur sounds more Kryptonian," Xander replied with a shrug.

"Huh," Roy said. "OK, I'll admit that's a decent enough reason. Now about those clothes…"

"Be right back," Xander promised before vanishing in a blur of speed.

Roy watched the moonlight ripple off the water as he considered his options and mentally poked at the knowledge that someone had poured into his brain. 'Why do I know so much about magic?' he wondered.

A tiger roared in the distance, garnering a raised eyebrow.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Buffy looked in the mirror. "At least I'm a blonde," she muttered.

"Sis, hurry up!" Tommy called from outside. "My back teeth are floating out here!"

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	56. Storage Space 3

"Stabby?" Egon asked, climbing on the bed.

Xander reached under the bed and pulled out a six-inch-tall machine that was roughly the same diameter as a Frisbee, with a knife attached to the top of it by a pincher. It had blue and silver markings similar to R2-D2 and its wheels spun futilely in the air as Xander held it and it beeped angrily at him.

"What is that?" Peter asked.

"This is Stabby," Xander said cheerfully, before pushing a button on it, causing it to shut down and removing the knife from the top of it. "A friend of mine made it for me."

"AI?" Egon asked.

"No," Xander said, then paused, "not really. Stabby is a self-propelled floor cleaner. It's not really intelligent, though it does seem like it at times."

"And the knife?" Peter asked.

"Is for stabbing people," Xander said, "that's pretty obvious."

"Why do you want it to stab people and why is there not stab marks all over the furniture and walls?" Egon asked curiously, climbing off the bed.

"It has an infrared sensor so it only stabs people," Xander explained. "Stabby not only keeps the floors clean, he keeps me on my toes."

"Why would you build it?" Peter asked.

"I didn't build it, a friend of mine did," Xander replied. "She was tired of me not cleaning the floor of my room."

"And the stabbing?" Kylie asked, a slight grin on her face.

"Oh, she did that because I asked her to make it so it would stab the undead in the ankles, specifically the undead that used too much hair gel and thought anyone over fourteen was old enough to date." He shrugged and set Stabby down. "She got the settings backwards somehow, but like I said it's kept me on my toes, so I won't let her fix it."

"There is a story there, but I don't think this is the place for it," Egon said, shivering. "Sorry, but I'm pushing the limit of my willpower here."

"Give me just a second," Xander said, jumping into action and quickly finishing his packing.

Kylie picked up Stabby, thankful to have something to concentrate on as Xander made sure he had everything. "How does it know where to clean?"

"No idea," Xander replied cheerfully, handing a duffel bag to Egon and a suitcase to Peter before picking up his steamer trunk and putting it on his shoulder. "To the elevator."

"Gladly," Peter said moving quickly, eager to escape.

Egon sneezed. "There is a lot of dust in the air," he noted as they walked briskly to the elevator. "The air filters on this level need to be changed."

"Good luck getting someone up here to do that," Kylie said, smiling in relief as they stepped into the elevator.

Xander set the trunk down and watched as Peter reached for the elevator panel, his finger stopping nearly an inch away from the ground floor button. "Need a hand?"

"No, I got this," Peter said, making a fist, closing his eyes, and punching the panel, lighting up the first and second floor buttons.

There was a near universal sigh of relief as the doors closed and the elevator started down.

"I am glad you didn't live on a higher floor," Peter admitted. "Not sure how you could stand it."

Xander shrugged. "I was born and raised on the world's main source of nasty vibes and I've been to some of the higher floors and they seem fine, but that may just be me being me again."

"How far up did you go?" Kylie asked, ignoring the doors opening on the second floor and closing again.

"There is a nice outdoor café place on the twentieth," Xander said. "This elevator doesn't go to the penthouse without a pass key, so I never tried to see how high I could go."

"The Cup of Destruction," Kylie said. Seeing Xander's surprise, she grinned. "Just because we can't go up there doesn't mean we don't know what's up there. It's not like the blueprints or phone directory are scary."

"True, just didn't know you still had them," Xander said as the doors opened on the first floor and everyone exited the elevator.

"There is a nice painted mural in the staff's breakroom," Kylie explained, "it lists everything even if we had lost the rest."

"Cup of Destruction?" Egon asked.

Xander shrugged. "Probably because they had the first Expresso machine in New York up there. Seriously, it's like something out of steampunk."

"That would do it," Peter said cheerfully.

"Where are you moving to?" Kylie asked Xander as she followed them out, carrying Stabby.

"The firehouse," Xander replied. "Living on site is one of the perks of the job."

"You're going to be a Ghostbuster?!" she asked with a grin.

"Assistant… Secretary," Xander corrected with a smirk.

"Seriously?" she asked, stunned.

"Good pay and nothing trying to kill me," Xander said. "It's a nice change."

"Mostly," Peter said. "Occasionally… things happen."

"Yeah, but not every day," Xander said hopefully.

"Once a month at most," Egon agreed.

"That's fine then," Xander said, relieved. "Once a week is acceptable, once a month is fantastic."

"Good, because Janine could use some days off," Egon said seriously, "I don't like how stressed she's been looking."

"When you only get a single day off a month, it takes a lot to relieve the stress," Xander agreed. "Have you considered paying for here to go to a day spa?"

"Do you think she might enjoy that?" Egon asked.

"Definitely," Kylie told him. "I was dragged to one once and it's not my scene at all and I still enjoyed it."

Peter opened the back of the Ecto One and Xander slid the trunk in, moving aside to let everyone else unload.

"Let me know when your days off are," Kylie said, giving Xander a kiss on the cheek.

"I'll stop by," Xander promised, before getting in the car.

"Think you can hold out?" Peter asked curiously as they drove off.

"Until she's 18?" Xander asked, waiting for his nod before replying. "Unless she comes up with an amazing reason, I should be able to keep it down to corruption of a minor in the meantime."

"What would you consider a good reason?" Peter asked.

"Some types of demons only hunt virgins and some rituals require the same, so for safety's sake I could see jumping the gun, otherwise she's just going to have to wait," Xander replied.

"And dating?" Peter asked.

"I'll bend on that," Xander admitted with a smirk.

Peter looked at him for a minute before chuckling. "Give way on the one so she won't push on the other."

"People love to win," Xander said with a shrug.

"That's really moral of you," Egon offered as he drove.

Xander shook his head. "Morals have nothing to do with it, she was dead on when she said a few months wouldn't really change anything. Legally however, there is a big difference, but legal and moral are two separate things."

"True, however most parents have an unspoken agreement with their progeny to follow said rules until they have left the nest," Egon pointed out, "so abiding by that agreement is a moral decision."

Xander opened and closed his mouth several times, but couldn't come up with anything to say.

"I'm going to have to give Egon the point on that one," Peter said with a grin.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "that was out of the park."

"I'm sure I've seen her somewhere," Peter said with a frown. "Her, not her grandmother."

"Probably saw her when she was at an event with her grandmother that she attended," Egon offered.

"Yeah, that's probably it," Peter agreed, "I've attended a number of conventions where a goth would blend in perfectly."

"What do you guys want for lunch?" Egon asked.

"Pizza," Peter said, "I owe Slimer one."

"I'm not going to ask," Egon said.

"I will," Xander said cheerfully.

Peter grinned. "Well, last week…"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Ghostbusters, how may I help you?" Xander asked. "Throw a handful of salt at it," he said and listened to the reply. "Use the salt shaker. Did it drop the knife?"

Everyone fell silent, turning to listen to Xander's side of the conversation.

"Good, don't touch it until you've got some metal to bind it with, the salt should keep it contained and weak for at least a couple of minutes." Xander scribbled an address on a piece of paper.

"Poltergeist possessing a doll," Peter told Winston as he read the paper Xander had passed to him.

"Aw man, those are the worst," Winston complained.

"Bicycle cables are perfect," Xander said, "and if you're worried, just pour the entire container of salt over it."

"Is that safe?" Winston asked Peter.

"Morton's Salt is fine," Xander said, "just make sure there is an unbroken circle around it and be sure to lock up any pets or small children that might break the circle. We'll have someone there within the hour."

"On it," Peter said cheerfully, waving for Winston to follow.

"I usually have to refer those calls to Egon," Janine said as Xander hung up the phone.

"I'm the Idiot's Guide to dealing with low level stuff," Xander said, "anything more than that and I'm stuck looking through dusty old tomes like everyone else."

"We do a lot of low level stuff," Janine said thoughtfully.

"I'll give you a copy of my cheat sheet," Xander promised. "It's filled with stuff you can find around the house and what it affects."

"I could get Egon to go over it with me," Janine said, a smile growing on her face.

"Unless you find him geeking out a sexy sight, you may want to plan something different," Xander said, the red head's feelings towards Egon obvious to everyone but the man himself.

She smirked. "If I didn't find him in full scientific rant riveting I wouldn't be after him. I will admit to not wanting it all the time though, but I'll take what I can get."

"Janine you have access to his schedule. Write in a date, give him a set of behavioral rules to follow, and have fun," Xander suggested.

"I can't just do that," Janine said, blushing.

"Sure you can," Xander said. "Start off small, a convention or event he'd be interested in, put a note that you'll be his ride and escort for the evening. If that works out then start expanding it to things that you like and ask him to confirm or if he's got something else he'd prefer to do. It's all no pressure, casual."

"Yeah," Janine agreed, nodding.

"But seriously, provide him a social cheat sheet," Xander said, "Social rules are not intuitive or anything he's probably studied and it'll really help smooth the way."

"But he's a genius!" Janine argued.

"Fish and trees, monkeys and water," Xander replied.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"A genius friend of mine explained it to me once and she has a lot in common with Egon," Xander said. "The speech was long and rambling and made no sense, that's all I remember from it."

Janine thought about it for a moment. "Alright, I'll give it a shot."

"If he doesn't need it he won't use it," Xander pointed out, "so it doesn't hurt to try."

"Fine, I'll write one up while you go over the billing procedures again," she agreed.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Kylie looked around but couldn't see anything amiss or sense anything strange, well, stranger than normal for the Monolith.

Behind her, unnoticed, several of the fries from her lunch lifted off the table and vanished into the air.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Just in case anyone's curious and hasn't heard the idiom, a fish may be a great swimmer, but only judge it by its ability to climb trees and it'll think itself an idiot for life. Likewise for a monkey and its ability to swim in water. There's more to it of course, such as comparing a monkey to a fish for its ability to swim, and vice versa for its ability to climb trees. A monkey will never swim as fast as a fish, and a fish will never climb trees like a monkey. It's all commentary on differing learning styles for people. Apologies for those who already understood the intended parable and the message behind it.**


	57. Anya and Xander's Excellent Adventure 5

**Anya and Xander's Excellent Adventure 5**

 **Part 1 Fragments chapter 64**

 **Part 2 Fragments chapter 69**

 **Part 3 More Fragments chapter 58**

 **Part 4 Yet Even More Fragments chapter 4**

"You can't avoid dating crazy people because every single person on earth is insane," Xander said bluntly. He waited for the teens to stop protesting before continuing, "Sanity is a vague concept that means something different to everyone."

"So... can we avoid the dangerously crazy ones?" Bender asked hopefully.

"Mostly," Xander said. "Some will show no signs of being nut jobs until they have you in their clutches, but acting a certain way can cause them to drop you and look for easier prey early on."

"Prey?" Annie asked doubtfully. "I thought we were talking about dating."

"The crazy ones you have to watch out for are very predatory in nature," Xander explained, "and some do it by looking weak to lure others in, so watch those chauvinistic reflexes."

"Which explains how you ended up in your boxers, chained up in Miss French's basement," Anya said.

Xander groaned. "I was seventeen, very stupid and horny," he complained. "How did you find out?"

"Buffy and Willow," Anya replied cheerfully. "They told me about all the girls you dated in high school and how dangerous they were."

"Did they remember to include themselves?" Xander asked dryly.

"Oh yes," Anya said cheerfully. "Buffy mentioned Willow and then Willow added Buffy."

Xander stared for a moment before he shook it off and started to explain the romantic mistakes he'd made early on, "Make sure you know who they are, as in check for actual ID so you don't end up dating someone who is using someone else's identity…"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Anything?" Jack asked as he returned with Sam, carrying everyone's food.

"Dating horror stories," Danny answered. "If he's to be believed at least two of the women he's dated have body counts connected to them."

"I believe he spoke true," T'ealc offered, "his tone of voice and bearing suggests as much."

"I'm going to have to agree with the big guy," John said, "he believes what he's saying."

"Talk about unlucky in love," Jack said, shaking head as he passed out food to Danny and T'ealc.

"His dating advice is unusual, but it makes sense," Daniel noted.

"It's looking less and less like they have any connection to the NID," John admitted, "especially since they are keeping tabs on them as well."

"They've gotta be connected to someone," Jack said. "The skills they've showed..."

"I know," John agreed, "the odds against just running into a couple with their skills is crazy, but that doesn't mean they are connected to what we do."

"So..." Sam asked.

"So, we keep watch over the weekend and if nothing develops we chalk it up to paranoia and mark this off as a decent camping trip," Jack decided.

"It is nice to see you guys," John admitted.

"We need practice in our surveillance skills anyway," Jack added, "so we can put this down as training."

"I am also learning much from observing the pair," T'ealc announced. "I have learned how to mix a number of ceremonial drinks properly as well as the dancing style associated with them."

Sam closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, unsure of how to begin explaining that bartending and stripping weren't ceremonial functions.

"They aren't..." Daniel trailed off for a moment. "Actually, viewed through the lens of another culture, they would be."

"I'd be interested in seeing how well you've learned to mix the ceremonial drinks," Jack said, causing Sam to stare at him in disbelief.

 **THAT NIGHT**

"So how did you enjoy your first day?" Xander asked the group as they sat around the campfire roasting marshmallows.

"Surprisingly educational," Shelia admitted with approval. The goth was happy to learn practical skills that she could see herself using in the future, unlike most of the classes she took in school.

"Not sure I'll ever become a stripper, but the relationship advice and bartending lessons were useful," Jeremy admitted, sipping his soda.

Chuck and Bender nodded, busy eating their marshmallows.

"At the very least, being able to mix my own drinks will help save money," Molly said with a smile.

There was a **CRACK** of thunder and the night sky was lit up as a bolt of lightning struck the lake, the center of the lake still glowing and bubbling several seconds later as everyone recovered from the light and noise.

"Well, fuck me," Bender said, rubbing at his eyes. "What was that?!"

"Lightning," Jeremy said, "but the sky's clear and what's up with that?" He pointed towards the center of the lake.

"I knew this place sounded familiar," Anya said brightly.

"Dear, is there something you want to share?" Xander asked cautiously eying the lake.

"It was one of Hallie's cases," Anya explained. "A young boy drowned because the camp counselors were too busy partying to do their job. Now normally Hallie only grants wishes to children, but Shagon who grants wishes to the mothers of dead children was busy, so she passed it to Hallie."

"Is it getting closer?" Chuck asked nervously as he watched the lake.

"Ahn, details please," Xander said urgently, eying the approaching disturbance.

"Well, Hallie was feeling particularly imaginative this time, so the young boy, Jason I think his name was, became an undead engine of destruction, climbing out of the lake and going on a killing spree until he ran out of victims or someone managed to stop him," Anya explained.

"And you didn't think this was important enough to share?" Xander asked.

"I just remembered it," Anya said pouting.

"Sorry hon," Xander apologized, "I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm just a little tense."

"You're forgiven," Anya told him. She turned to the teens. "Not only is it important to be able to apologize when you're wrong, you also have to be able to accept an apology."

"Are you buying this!?" Jeremy asked in disbelief.

"What?" Anya asked wrinkling her nose. "You don't think relationships require give and take?"

"No! I mean about the undead thing," Jeremy said quickly.

"The choices are that or they learned to control the weather," Annie pointed out, "and that... is getting closer." She pointed to the water where the top of a head just broke the surface.

"I vote we run," Chuck said, "who's with me?"

"Give me an option on screaming and I'm in," Bender agreed.

As Jason's head was revealed, his face covered by a hockey mask stained yellow with age, patches of algae could be seen clinging to his hair and neck.

"He teleports closer when no one is observing him," Anya offered.

"Why are you so calm?" Molly asked Anya.

"She's got a get out of jail free card since Hallie granted the wish," Xander said as Jason continued his slow egress from the lake, more and more of his massive frame being revealed, half rotted clothes covered in lake weeds covering pale inhuman flesh.

"That and it's only a suped up zombie," Anya said, putting another marshmallow on a stick to roast.

"Only?!" the teens yelled as the machete in Jason's hand became visible.

"How suped up are we talking here?" Xander asked, picking up the hand axe he'd used to chop wood.

"It's pretty slow, not even hitting a jogging pace," Anya said. "That's why I told Hallie to let it teleport when no one was watching. It's like a real-life jump scare."

"Great idea," Annie said sarcastically, weirded out.

"I know," Anya said proudly, "it's about twice as fast in the arm department and has maybe four times the strength a person his size should possess. Oh, and it regenerates."

"OK, not too bad," Xander said, a bit relieved. "Any weaknesses?"

"Drown him in the lake and he'll stay dormant for years," Anya replied, taking her marshmallow out of the fire and blowing it out. "Of course, you have to let him get fully out of the lake and finish regenerating first or I'd have mentioned it earlier."

"OK, tough but doable," Xander said. "Got a good fear level going, I'm good."

The teens huddled on the opposite side of the fire from the massive zombie as it stepped onto the shore, pausing to turn its head and crack its neck, stretching its arms out to restore flexibility.

"Fear level?" Shelia asked, eyes glued to the towering creature.

"Yeah, adrenaline is really, really helpful," Xander said. "You want to be scared enough that your underwear is a tad damp but not wet." He searched the creature for any visible weaknesses as it started moving towards them once more.

"Fear sweat," Bender said, "yeah, I'm feeling it."

"Fear speeds up your reflexes and can lend strength to your muscles," Xander said slowly circling Jason, who seemed confused by Xander's action, like a bear forced to deal with a wolf for the first time.

He darted in swinging at Jason's side, before having to leap back as Jason proved to be a lot faster than expected.

Jason touched his side and his fingers came away red with blood that he stared at for a moment.

Xander ran two fingers down his chest, finding them wet with blood as well, from a shallow cut. "I'm going to need a tetanus shot," he complained.

"It's gotten stronger," Anya noted, "but then it has been at it for decades."

"Normally I'd be a lot better prepared before facing something like this," Xander said as the two faced each other once more, "but sometimes you just have to work with what you have, so learn to improvise."

"Can we do something?" Chuck asked Anya.

"If he needs help he'll ask," Anya assured them.

Xander dashed in, but had to abort his swing to block Jason's, which sent him flying back at least two dozen feet.

"Fuck!" Xander cursed.

"That sounded like 'help' to me," Jeremy said, snatching up a bottle of vodka and flinging it at Jason's head.

The bottle exploded covering Jason in vodka but doing no real damage. It did cause Jason to turn around however and advance on the helpless teen.

"You can't kill that which has no life!" Xander yelled as he got back to his feet and snatched up his axe.

"I didn't expect it to kill him," Jeremy admitted backing away from Jason without taking his eyes off him, causing him to stumble over a log and fall down.

"Not him, you!" Xander yelled, running over.

Even Jason paused as everyone turned to look at Xander.

"He doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, and I'm pretty sure his sexuality is actually just theoretical," Xander told Jason. "The kid has no life you can take from him."

Jason examined Jeremy closely for a second before turning away to go after Xander once more.

"I resent having my life-" Jeremy began.

"What there is of it," Shelia interrupted.

"saved like this," he finished.

The sparks from Xander and Jason's blades clashing caught Jason on fire, the flames covering his mask and completely blinding him.

"Here, over here," Xander called out making Jason follow him by throwing rocks at him and making loud noises.

Jason was unaware of the danger until he stumbled into the water, and by then it was too late as Xander tackled him and they both vanished into the depths of the lake.

"Please tell me we have more alcohol," Annie said in shock, "I am way too sober for this."

"This can't have just happened, but it did," Bender said stunned.

"But what just happened?" Molly asked.

"Yeah," Bender agreed, "not quite sure myself."

"You want an overview of the supernatural and maybe a basic magic introduction?" Anya asked brightly.

"Yeah, that would help," Shelia agreed.

"Shouldn't we be worried about Xander?" Jeremy asked looking at the lake, the splashing and bubbles having stopped but neither Xander nor Jason had surfaced.

"It's water, Xander's fine," Anya said. "Trust me, he stayed underwater for over fifteen minutes when we were in a hot tub this one time. Now, let's start off with the Watcher's spiel: The world is older than you know..."

 **THE NEXT MORNING**

"That's- that had to be fake," Sam said as they replayed the footage of the previous night.

"Daniel, I need you to dig up everything you can on this area," Jack said.

"I'll go into town and see what I can get from the locals," John volunteered.

"I'll help," Jack said. "You'd fit in better at the clubs then I would so I'll take the bars."

"I will continue observing them," T'ealc said.

"I'll recheck the cameras," Sam said. "See if I can find any clues as to what actually occurred.

"Good," Jack said. "Meet back after lunch."

T'ealc returned his attention to the monitor, an unsharpened number two pencil sitting on the table in front of him. Thanks to his Jaffa training he was easily able to focus most of his attention on the pencil while keeping enough awareness of the scene in the monitor to know if anything important was going on.

While Sam was engrossed in examining last night's recordings and Daniel hunted down files online to all appearances T'ealc merely sat there.

The number two pencil slowly turned over, untouched by human hands.

 **Typing by: hawfeld**


	58. Customer Service 4

**And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments chapter 41 Part 1**

 **And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments chapter 43 Part 2**

 **And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments chapter 44 Part 3**

The four teens stared at the stacks of hundreds they'd gotten from betting on horse races that were sitting on Willow's coffee table.

"We need some way to launder it," Xander said, causing everyone to turn and stare at him. "Al Capone wasn't taken out by a rival mob, the IRS killed Capone, well, them and VD," he said thoughtfully.

"You got a point," Faith agreed, "we need a cure for all STDs and some way to avoid the IRS catching wise."

Willow opened her mouth, closed it, turned red, and finally just sat there quietly.

"And the motion carries," Oz said, with a nod.

"The Star Trek movies are too violent, but there are a couple of single episode videotapes from The Next Generation that should be safe enough to visit," Xander offered out of left field.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Faith asked.

"Free medical care and they can cure anything," Xander replied.

"That works," Oz said.

"That just leaves the laundry," Faith said. "How do we do it?"

"We start an overseas publishing company," Willow said.

Everyone turned to stare at her.

"We sell books we write to them, they pay us, and the money's clean," Willow explained.

"And they can't check on that?" Xander asked.

"I'll have some online friends open an actual bookstore in the UK," Willow explained in greater detail, "they'll lie about how many books are sold and everything looks good on paper. We'd probably only get back forty cents on the dollar, but it's all free money anyway and we'll be able to spend what we want as long as we don't go too overboard."

"We gotta write books?" Faith asked doubtfully.

"I'll help you with yours," Xander offered. "I'm thinking my first book will be titled '100 Ways to Ruin Your Life and the Lives of Those Around You," Xander decided.

"That sounds cheerful," Oz said.

"Black humor," Xander said, "the Brits love that stuff. I figure I can do an entire first chapter on cults to join and groups like the PTA and Homeowner associations."

Faith snickered. "That could be fun. What's my book going to be called?"

"Assholes to avoid," Xander replied. "We can talk to some of the local wage slaves and get their horror stories about horrible bosses, coworkers, and customers."

"That actually sounds fun," Faith admitted.

"I'm going to title mine 'How to Give the Perfect Handjob," Oz said, "Rule number one… use your mouth."

Once the laughter had died down everyone turned to Willow.

"What?" Willow asked.

"What's your book going to be?" Faith asked.

Willow shrugged. "I have a couple of ideas about how asking questions skews results in research."

"Call it 'Geek Cred," Oz suggested.

Willow considered that and began to smile.

"So what can we spend in the meantime?" Faith asked.

"Anything that doesn't cost a lot and is disposable," Willow replied. "No buying vehicles over a thousand dollars and avoid looking like a big spender and flashing cash around."

"How about renting a place?" Faith asked.

"It's Sunnydale, property prices are pretty cheap," Willow replied. "We can rent a place, mark it as a home/office and use it as a tax deduction."

Faith looked to Xander for a translation.

"We'll rent a place big enough to have a section set up for writing and such and then we'll get more back in taxes," Xander explained.

"We don't exactly pay taxes, or at least I don't," Faith admitted.

"I do, but that's because of some software I wrote," Willow said, "but with the kind of money we'll be getting we'll all need to file taxes."

"I'm not sure how legal I am," Faith said. "I mean, technically I'm either a runaway or homeless."

"I'll talk to Giles," Willow said, "he can straighten things out. It's what Watchers do."

"Really?" Faith asked, perking up. "Cool."

"I say we grab five hundred apiece and go have some fun," Xander suggested with a grin.

Oz held up a video tape and waved it to catch their attention.

"This is Spinal Tap?" Xander read.

"Trust me," Oz said.

"Going to The Bronze is kinda tame when we can go to Roadhouse," Faith realized.

"Yeah, Spinal Tap it is and then… The Breakfast Club," Xander said.

"Molly Ringwald?" Oz asked.

"Ally Sheedy," Xander replied.

"Judd Nelson," Faith admitted.

"Anthony Michael Hall," Willow said.

"No love for Emilio," Xander said, shaking his head.

"He gets enough love in real life," Willow pointed out.

"Suddenly… Breakfast Club sounds a lot more interesting," Oz decided.

"We can hit Spinal Tap later," Xander promised.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"You guys seem a lot more relaxed these last few days," Giles noted as the group ate their lunch in the library, taking a break from helping Giles.

"Really?" Buffy asked with a frown.

"Well, not you, no," Giles admitted.

"Yeah, the four of you vanish for a couple of hours and come back looking all relaxed," Cordelia said suspiciously. "Spill."

Giles took off his glasses. "You haven't taken up anything stronger than… smoking, have you?"

"No," Xander said, "and all the smokers I've seen are generally pretty tense, hence the smoking."

"He's asking if we do drugs," Oz translated.

"We wouldn't do drugs!" Willow exclaimed, scandalized.

Faith laughed. "Just a private little get together."

"Is it something Buffy could join?" Giles asked. "Because I think she could use a bit of a break."

"Giles!" Buffy exclaimed as scandalized as Willow had been just a moment before.

"What?" he asked cluelessly.

"You guys are having an orgy?" Cordelia asked in disbelief as she figured out what Buffy was thinking and put two and two together.

"What? No!" Willow exclaimed, bright red.

"Eh? Kinda," Faith admitted.

"You're all having sex with each other?" Buffy asked, wide eyed.

"The only two people having sex with each other in our group are Oz and Willow," Xander replied carefully.

"You're being evasive," Cordelia noted, glaring at him.

"We did say private for a reason," Xander replied, unconcerned.

"So you guys aren't sneaking off to have loads of sex?" Buffy asked.

"Oh no, we're doing that," Faith said cheerfully.

"But you aren't sleeping with either of them?" Cordelia asked Xander.

"Time out!" Buffy said, making a Tee shape with her hands. "Who is sleeping with who here?"

"Oz and Willow have 'the sex," Xander said dramatically, amusing Faith and Oz, while making Willow blush. "Me and Faith have sex with different people and no one in the group."

"Though they have tried to get me and Red to make out a time or two," Faith offered.

"It was in the name of science!" Xander claimed dramatically.

"It's how we advance as a species," Oz deadpanned, while Willow buried her face in her hands.

"Who are you seeing?" Cordelia asked Xander.

"It's casual, nothing serious," Xander replied, not answering her question.

"You've taken a toke when the other Red offered," Faith told Willow.

"Yes, a toke… maybe a couple," Willow admitted, "but not regularly and… it's Molly Ringwald! Who can look in those eyes and say no?"

"You've been getting high with Molly Ringwald?!" Buffy demanded in shock.

Seeing everyone turning to stare at her, Willow blurted out the first thing she could think of to draw attention away from herself, "Well, Xander's been plowing Ally Sheedy!"

Silence fell on the library until Buffy said, "I don't believe it."

"Believe it," Faith said, "she's a screamer."

"How did you meet them?" Cordelia demanded.

"Breakfast Club reunion," Oz offered.

"Aren't they in their 30's?" Buffy asked.

"You and Cordelia went to a frat party last year," Xander said, "even ignoring Angel, neither of you can complain about the age of our dates."

"If he's making time with Ally Sheedy, does that mean you have something going on with Molly Ringwald?" Buffy asked Faith.

"Judd Nelson," Faith bragged.

"Isn't he married?" Cordelia asked, trying to recall who was currently married in the Breakfast Club cast.

"None of them are married," Faith said.

"So two of you hooked up at the reunion, which you somehow got into?" Cordelia asked doubtfully.

"All of us hooked up." Faith smirked.

"Except Emilio," Oz offered.

"You cheated on Willow with Molly Ringwald?" Buffy asked Oz, confused.

"Nah, they did a couple thing, she got Michael, he got Molly," Faith said.

"You are all sleeping with the Brat Pack?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.

"And toking up on occasion," Faith agreed, "but mainly it's the sex that's got us all relaxed."

"I don't believe you," Cordelia said, shaking her head. "If the Brat Pack came to Sunnydale, I would know."

"And yet we are," Faith said smugly.

"Willow?" Buffy asked, knowing the redhead couldn't lie to save her life.

"It's true," Willow said, heavily embarrassed.

Oz wrapped an arm around Willow, lending her support.

"I withdraw my request to have Buffy join you," Giles said.

"Giles!" Buffy groaned.

"If it had just been smoking, I would have encouraged it," Giles told her, "as even with a Slayer's natural resistance to such things, it would have helped you deal with the stress, but American celebrities are known for being reckless in their personal lives. I would suggest the four of you get discrete VD and pregnancy tests as well as be sure to hold fast against any attempts to get you to try anything stronger than pot."

"Wanna bang Emilio Estevez?" Faith asked Cordelia.

"We really should tell them," Willow told Xander.

"Tell us what?" Buffy asked.

"Seriously?" Cordelia asked Faith.

"I have a secret," Xander replied.

"The cursed TV," Buffy said suddenly, eyes wide.

Xander grinned.

"You can use it for that?!" Buffy asked in shock.

"And more," Xander said.

"Time out," Cordelia said, imitating Buffy's early demand. "Let's not dance around the issue, what is going on?"

Faith laughed, having enjoyed confusing them.

"I picked up a magic TV that allows me, and whoever I like, to enter movies and TV shows," Xander explained. "We've been using it for immoral purposes," he said proudly.

"You aren't sleeping with Ally Sheedy, you are sleeping with the character she played," Cordelia realized.

"And hitting Star Trek to fix any medical problems," Willow added.

"Can Buffy join you?" Giles asked again.

"Giles?!" Buffy exclaimed in shock.

"I meant you should check on what they were doing to assure it was safe," Giles told her.

"Oh," Buffy said, calming down.

When Buffy turned away, Giles gave Xander a look that was easy for him to translate.

"Hey Buffy, have you ever wanted to meet Emilio Estevez?"

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	59. Discarded Work

**With Sprinkles 6 (discarded)**

"How was your trip?" Jiraiya asked cheerfully, it'd taken two days for the pair to travel far enough to reach unclaimed plains and return.

"Picked up another five white mana, which means I now have enough to create the crystal," Xander replied with a grin.

"He also managed to perfect one seal," Anko added, a smirk playing over her lips.

"Really, which one?" Jiraiya asked.

"A specialized seal that I developed from screwing up the same seal over and over," Xander replied. "It doesn't have a name yet, but it's a seal that seals away anything without a chakra system in a ten-foot radius."

"Everything?" Jiraiya asked hopefully.

"Weapons, armor, clothes," Anko ticked off on her fingers. "The only thing it doesn't touch are things inside the body and tattoos."

"One person gets in range and pops the seal before retreating, leaving the rest of his team to handle the now disarmed target," Jiraiya said with a grin. "Can the equipment be recovered?"

"Sure," Xander answered. "It won't suddenly appear on anyone though."

"That'd make for a handy quick change or escape trick, but I was leaning more to police use. Being able to disarm drunk nin without risking your life? Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if they built shrines to you."

"Engrave the seal on a club since it can't seal itself away and they'll still have a weapon to use as well," Xander said thoughtfully.

"If you don't mind streaking you could strip an entire crowd naked in short order," Anko offered, "Just engrave a staff with multiple seals."

"I've got a wind jutsu that shreds clothes," Jiraiya waved it off, "this is much more elegant and think about its use in seduction! A simple ring with this seal engraved on it ends my need for fumbling with clothes!"

"He's a genius!" Xander declared.

The prank on Kurenai just got even better!" Anko said with an evil grin.

"But back to the crystal," Jiraiya said leaning on the castle battlements. "What all do you need?"

"Nothing," Xander replied, "It's crystallized mana. I just need a place to do it that isn't in the middle of a wildgrowth seal and you mentioned wanting to ward the area so no one else could sense what I was doing, which would be a good idea as it is a lot of power to be putting into a single creation."

"I prepared an eight-fold, triple layer containment seal over at the hokage's tower," Jiraiya replied. "It's strong enough to hold back a Biju for at least an hour, so it should handle whatever you plan to do."

"Cool," Xander said. "What's a Biju?"

"You're not from around here, so naturally you don't know anything about the tailed beasts," Jiraiya realized. "I'll start making lunch while you guys shower and I'll tell you about the Sage of the Six Paths while we eat."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Not gonna lie, that's pretty fucked up," Xander said.

"Yes it is," Jiraiya agreed, "but unless you can change human nature, it's just something we have to deal with."

"I probably could," Xander admitted, "but I'm also absolutely sure I shouldn't."

"The way you just casually say that is terrifying," Jiraiya admitted after a few seconds of silence.

"Planeswalker," Xander replied with a shrug, "and I'm one of the new and weak ones."

"I'm split between fear and hormones," Anko said thoughtfully. "It's scary, no lie, but it is also a huge turn on."

"It is, what it is," Xander replied. "If you can't change it, learn to deal with it."

"That's what was done with the Biju," Jiraiya said. "We couldn't change their nature, so we found a way to lock them away."

"And then treated their jailors like shit," Xander said.

"Not everywhere, but a lot of places," the Toad Sage agreed.

"Enough about depressing shit," Anko said, "lets go get that gem thing made, that should be fun."

"It'll be the most powerful thing I've made so far," Xander said eagerly, glad to change the subject.

"I have everything set up and the hokage is eager to see it," Jiraiya said. "Once we get it done we can travel a bit, have fun and track down some legendary items."

"Excellent!" Xander said, practically bouncing in his seat at the thought of additional colors of mana.

Anko grinned.

"Pass me the plates, I want to wash them before the food hardens," Jiraiya said as he got up from the table.

"The castle takes care of little things like that in the absence of servants," Xander said, "you can just leave everything where it is."

"It does dishes?" Anko asked in shock.

"Also laundry and makes the beds," Xander replied. "It'll probably make all your clothes green to match the theme though."

Anko beamed. "Holy shit, I love this castle!"

"I am moving in," Jiraiya said solemnly. "I can adapt to green."

"You aren't the castle's mistress," Xander replied as he stretched, "you don't have to fit the theme."

"I can pull off green," Anko said with a grin.

"It'll probably make you clothes as well, but they'll all be formal clothes for royalty," Xander said. "It'll change as it adapts to you."

"You seem to excel in creating things," Jiraiya said. "It's a nice change from the way most people with power behave."

"It's easier to destroy, but creating things has a longer lasting effect," Xander replied, "even if you are creating destructive things. Besides, creating things is the cornerstone of being a planeswalker."

 **AN: Rewrote the sixth chapter and discarded this one. Didn't like the feel of this one, so I started over. If the chapter isn't flowing right it often helps to scrap the entire thing and start over, which if you have read the sixth chapter I posted you'll see.**

 **Preboarded 2 (discarded)**

Ray examined himself in the parks' bathroom. "I could do so much more with the right makeup."

"At least the green sundress goes with your hair," Xander offered, recalling Cordelia trying to lecture Willow on her color choices. He put on sunglasses to cover his eyes. "How do I look?"

"The white boots from your suit kinda stick out a bit, but not nearly as much as that sword," Ray told him. "Still, hard to go wrong with Levi's and flannel when you're a man."

"And the sunglasses at night?" Xander asked.

"Lots of douchebags wear sunglasses at night," Ray assured him, "it won't stick out." He adjusted the sling he'd made to disguise his half missing arm as simply an impaired one.

"And blending in is the name of the game," Xander said. "Any ideas on hiding the sword?"

"Yeah..." Ray said slowly. "There is a trick I know to help make people ignore it, but I can't recall where I learned it."

"Lay it on me," Xander said.

"Alright," Ray said finishing his lipstick before breathing on the mirror and tracing a symbol in the moisture.

"Is it moving?" Xander asked as he stared at the symbol which seemed to be slowly rotating despite the fact that there was no way it could actually do so.

"Maybe," Ray offered with a shrug. "You have to be able to memorize it for this to work."

"Give me a second," Xander said. he concentrated on the symbol and closed his eyes, before opening them and concentrating on it once more. After several attempts he sighed. "I'm not getting it. It's like there's several glyphs and... I can't fit them together."

Ray tilted his head. "Yeah, it's..." He breathed on the mirror once more and started tracing glyphs, as he completed the fourth one, the mirror vanished. "Well, fuck me running."

"Nice trick," Xander said. He splashed the area where the mirror was with a handful of water and it reappeared.

"How did you know that would work?" Ray asked.

"I didn't, but it's not like it could have made the mirror more invisible," Xander replied.

"Point, so...what the fuck did I just do?" Ray asked scratching his head.

"You wrote an invisibility spell in condensation," Xander replied. "At least that's my guess."

"I think it was suppose to make you forget something was there even while you were looking at it," Ray said.

"No, because even though I couldn't see the mirror I remembered where it was," Xander said, "otherwise I wouldn't have thrown water on it."

"The four symbols form a single glyph that makes people...overlook you while you picture it in your mind," Ray said. "They shouldn't have been able to do that on their own like that."

"Well, they do, so how about we-

 **AN: Too much too soon, had to scrap it. Bringing in magic this early on would ruin things.**

 **What's What - a little surprise (discarded)**

"A mouse person," Harry said, staring at the small figure in his palm in shock.

"I'm not a mouse person!" the small boy yelled. "I'm a Borrower!"

"You are a tiny person with mouse bits," Harry replied.

"You have stuff in common with mice too, doesn't make you a mouse person," the Borrower snapped back.

"Like what?" Harry asked.

"Eyes on the front of your face, the ability to walk upright and mess with stuff with your hands," he listed off. "Nose is on the front of your face...loads of stuff."

"Alright," Harry conceded, "I'll agree with that, but what I am saying is that you look like me with more mouse-like features, not less."

OK, I can agree with that," the little figure said with a nod.

"Does that mean someone, one of my someones, had... sex with a mouse?" Harry asked in a half curious, half horrified tone.

"Nah, we can't have kids with mice, so I don't see your lot being able to," he disagreed.

"Your people have sex with mice?" Harry asked in shock.

"No, well the northerners are rumored to," he said, "plus I have this one uncle who isn't right in the head and none of them have mice like children or anything."

"Oh," Harry said, "that's kind of disappointing."

"Have a mouse you fancy?" the Borrower teased.

Harry made a face. "Eww...no! It's just the only way any of this makes sense."

"You've never heard of magic?" he asked.

"Magic doesn't exist," Harry replied.

"How about little...mouse-like people?" the borrower replied with a grin.

 **AN: Meh, Didn't really have enough of an idea to work with beyond 'Young Harry meets a Borrower', which made for an interesting scene but wasn't enough to hang a story on.**

 **Typing By: hawfeld**


	60. Harry Potter and the Horrible Relatives

**Harry Potter and the Horrible Relatives **

"I'm a what?" Harry asked. He would have pinched himself, but it was almost impossible to believe you are dreaming while standing in the Dursley's living room.

"You are a wizard, Mr. Potter," Severus Snape repeated once more.

Harry blinked. "Pretty sure I'm just an eleven-year-old boy."

Snape barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. "Be that as it may, you are also a wizard."

"Magic's not real," Harry told the man cautiously, wondering if he'd escaped from somewhere, as his extremely old-fashioned suit suggested.

Snape pulled out his wand and turned the coffee table into a Shetland pony, before giving Harry a dry look that simply dared him to deny the reality of the situation.

Harry looked from the coffee table turned Shetland pony and back again. "So… magic?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter, as I've been saying for the past five minutes."

"Dragons and unicorns and the like?" Harry asked.

"Yes Mr. Potter, those are common magical animals," Snape said, thankful for the calming drought he'd poured in his tea. He wasn't sure why Dumbledore was so insistent that he be the one to introduce the brat to the wizarding world, since he detested anyone baring the name Potter, yet here he was.

"Couldn't I just be an alien instead?" Harry asked hopefully.

Vernon laughed so hard he had to leave the room, and even the sour faced Petunia looked amused for a moment.

"No Mr. Potter, you are a wizard, there is no changing that," Snape said, before taking a long drink of his calming drought laced tea.

"You'll always be a giant nerd to me," Dudley told Harry cheerfully.

"Thanks Dudley, that's just what I always wanted to hear," Harry deadpanned, sounding very much like Snape for a moment.

"No problem," Dudley replied with a big smile.

"No matter what any of us want, you are, without a doubt, a wizard," Snape told him as the pony turned back into a coffee table. "Now, let's go get your school supplies."

"I don't want to be a wizard, I want to be an astronaut," Harry said with a sigh as he got up to leave with the older wizard.

"Hogwarts is only six years long, become an astronaut afterwards," Snape suggested, not quite sure what an astronaut was, though it sounded familiar.

"Only six years?" Harry brightened up. "That's alright then."

"I'm glad it meets with your approval," Snape said before finishing his tea. "Petunia, it's been…" he trailed off and simply nodded at her. He held out a hand for Harry to take and the pair vanished with a pop, much to Dudley's shock.

Vernon returned a moment later. "Gone already?"

"They popped like bubbles," Dudley said numbly.

"They teleported," Petunia corrected him, causing Dudley to sigh in relief.

"So, how'd it go?" Vernon asked. "He seemed more sensible than they usually are."

"Harry is willing to put up with the schooling but still wants to be an astronaut," Petunia assured him.

"Good," Vernon said with a grin. "We'll just have to get him the appropriate course work so he doesn't fall behind."

"Don't know why you're encouraging him to be a nerd all the time," Dudley said. "And what's with all this… magic stuff?"

Vernon sighed, grateful he'd had the foresight to prepare for this conversation. "Magic rots the brain," he said firmly. "Every wizard I've seen has been a complete nutter who wasn't smart enough to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel."

"Is Harry going to be ok?" Dudley asked, concerned.

"If he continues his coursework and keeps up with his regular schooling, he should be," Petunia assured her son.

"Better he be a nerd than a brainless wizard," Vernon told Dudley, "it's why we push him so hard."

"Huh," Dudley said, scratching his chin. "Suddenly a lot of things make sense."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Harry puked, Snape casually moving aside so none of it landed on him.

"The first time apparating is always the worst," Snape said.

"Doing what?" Harry asked, looking around, blinking at the alley they were in.

"Apparating," Snape explained, vanishing and reappearing several feet away with a loud crack, "it's how most adult wizards prefer to travel, of course side along apparition can be hard on the passenger."

"We can teleport?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"Apparate," Snape corrected him.

Harry took a few deep breaths as his stomach settled. "What's the difference?"

"The difference is one is muggle fantasy and the other is Wizarding fact," Snape said firmly.

"Muggle?" Harry asked. "What's that?"

"It's the wizarding term for those with no magic," Snape replied. "Now come along, we don't have time to dawdle."

"yes, sir," Harry said, following him down the alley.

They came to a dead end and Snape tapped a brick with his wand, causing the wall to reorganize itself into an arch, leading into a street filled with folks in robes and various sights straight out of a fantasy novel.

Harry found himself trying to look everywhere at once, spotting people walking dogs with multiple tails, a woman with antlers sprouting from her head, a store with mannequins that moved more smoothly than the latest generation of animatronics, showing off leather pads that looked to be for rugby.

"Come along," Snape said impatiently, "we have a lot to do and very little time to do it."

"Yes, sir," Harry said, quickly following him.

They visited the bank first where Harry noticed the goblins seemed to appreciate Snape's brisk manner as they matched him sneer for sneer.

The vault full of gold barely got a look over before Harry had to scoop up the money and leave.

"That's your trust vault, the House of Potter provides one for all its children regardless of what the head of the family would prefer," Snape explained as they rode the cart back to the surface. "That is all the money you are likely to receive, so spend it wisely."

"Yes, sir," Harry replied.

"Do not thank them," Snape told Harry as they reached the lobby and climbed out of the cart. "Time is money and empty words do not fill a vault."

"Yes, sir," Harry said, following the older wizard as he quickly left, but noting the almost unconscious nod from the goblin who had escorted them.

Their second stop was at a shop that sold trunks.

"Student trunk, three compartments, lighten and shrink in addition to the standard enchantments," Snape told the man behind the counter, ignoring his friendly greeting.

While the man behind the counter seemed a little annoyed, he quickly did as asked, vanishing into the back and returning with a black trunk with burnished bronze metalwork that he set on the counter.

"Place your hand on the lock," Snape told Harry.

Harry quickly did so, feeling Snape place his hand on top of his head a moment later. It felt like gravity had suddenly increased and he instinctively pushed against it. The trunk made a loud clunk sound and Harry's name was suddenly engraved on the metal plate above the latch.

"That's a unique way of doing it," the clerk noted curiously. "That'll be ten galleons."

Harry quickly paid the man, wondering what had just happened.

"Place your finger on the nameplate, recreate the feeling you just had, and picture the trunk shrinking," Snape ordered.

Harry obeyed and was surprised to find the trunk was now the size of a pack of playing cards.

"You can enlarge it by putting your finger on the plate and recreating the feeling, and picturing it enlarging," Snape said. "Let's go."

Harry put the trunk in his pocket and followed along as Snape walked briskly to a shop filled with robes.

The sign said Madam Malkin's and a plump, matronly woman with grey hair greeted them with a smile.

"He needs everything," Snape told her, ignoring her greeting. "And I mean everything, in addition to first year robes."

"I see," Madam Malkin said with a smile. "If you'll just come this way."

"No time, guess big, and add sizing charms," Snape ordered.

"That'll add ten percent to the costs," she warned.

"Acceptable," Snape replied before turning to Harry. "Pay the woman, enlarge and open your trunk."

"Yes, sir," Harry said, doing as ordered, though in reverse order as she hadn't given him a total yet.

Madam Malkin raised an eyebrow at seeing a muggleborn first year enlarge and open a trunk without a wand, something that she rarely saw outside of purebloods who were given early lessons. "Twenty-three galleons, three sickles please," she requested, casting a quick measuring spell on Harry as he counted out the money to pay her with and placed it on the counter.

"We'll return…" Snape trailed off with a heavy sigh. "We'll return as soon as Olivander finds him a suitable wand."

"I'll have everything ready and packed away in the first compartment by the time you get back," she promised, clearly amused.

"This way," Snape told Harry, heading back into the alley and down the way to a shop with a wand on a purple cushion in the window.

Harry didn't get a chance to glance at the sign as he was impatiently ushered inside by Snape, who turned around as soon as they entered to address the proprietor who had been hiding behind the door. "No time for that Ollivander, we need a wand for a new student."

An older man with silver eyes sighed, not looking the least bit embarrassed at being caught out. "Fine, but you're ruining my fun," he complained.

"We're on a schedule," Snape said dryly.

"You always are," Ollivander commented as he ducked behind the counter and came up with a handful of boxes that he laid on the counter. "Now, let's see which wand chooses you," he told Harry.

 **Ten minutes later**

"Holly and Phoenix feather," Ollivander noted curiously as sparks filled the air. "Seven galleons."

Harry quickly paid him knowing Snape had been more than ready to leave when they'd first arrived.

Ollivander smirked, "Most curious indeed-" he began as he put the money in the till.

 ***ding***

He looked up and saw the pair vanish out the front door, ruining the spooky speech he was about to give.

"I don't understand how he's able to make any money if every wave of an incorrect wand causes all that… mess," Harry said as he hurried after Snape. "I had one wand turn to ash in my hand and another melt. Are they cheap to make?"

Snape slowed down a bit. "Wands are moderately expensive; provide another explanation for what you've just experienced."

"While I'm not positive about how much everything should cost, if wands are worth a fair amount, then either my experience was abnormal or what I think happened did not," Harry said logically.

"Very astute," Snape complimented him. "If I was to say most of what you experienced was an illusion, what would you guess as to the reason for his actions would be?"

"If that was mostly illusions…" Harry trailed off thoughtfully for a moment before continuing, "then I'd say it was to increase the apparent value of his product, and considering his attempt to surprise as we entered, because he is also a bit childish."

"Indeed," Snape agreed as they entered Madam Malkin's and retrieved Harry's trunk.

A quick check on its contents saw them out the door and on their way. Their next stop was a book store and Harry's eyes darted about and his nostrils flared like a wolf scenting a rabbit. Snape had to hide his own amusement at the boy's response.

"I'll retrieve the books you need for first year and a few that are suggested reading for all muggleborn," Snape said. "I suggest you choose a few books on any topics you find interesting while I do so. You have eight minutes."

"Yes, sir," Harry said, before hurrying off to see what each section held so he could narrow down the areas he wanted to hit.

Snape strode up to the front counter. "I'll need a full set of first year books and the muggleborn introduction supplements."

Snape waited patiently as Harry piled books on the counter. He was pleased he'd calculated the right amount of time to let the boy browse, because another couple of minutes would have necessitated a second visit to the bank for additional funds.

"Time," Snape announced as Harry set several more tomes on the hefty stack he'd already collected.

The store owner raised an eyebrow but Snape simply nodded and set an additional two books on the pile. Harry brought out his trunk to place the books in, Snape showing him how to access the other compartments, so he could store everything. Harry would have winced at the price but he had bought enough books to start a small library, so he felt he'd gotten a good deal.

Snape almost smiled when they entered the apothecary. The sight and smell of the potions equipment and ingredients always made him feel alive. "Half an hour," he informed Harry, whom he was pleased to see was looking around in complete fascination. "We'll stop by the bank if you run short," he allowed, despite himself; even if he despised the boy's parents, he admired his attitude.

 **Two hours and a trip to the bank later…**

"This is the Leaky Cauldron," Snape told Harry. "I have reserved a room for you for the night. In the morning we shall go to Saint Mungos to get you immunized."

"Yes, sir," Harry acknowledged. "Is there a phone I can use to let my Aunt and Uncle know I won't be home tonight?"

"That's already been taken care of," Snape replied. "The waitress will be by in a moment, make sure to eat a complete meal tonight and in the morning, it'll help your body absorb the required potions."

"Yes, sir," Harry replied.

"The Barkeep Tom has your room key," Snape told him. "Once you've eaten, he'll insure you're taken care of. While I would encourage you to spend a bit of time familiarizing yourself with your coursework and the world you are now entering, I would strongly suggest you do not try and cast any spell other than the basic lumos and if I find you have tried to brew any potions without proper adult supervision, I shall be most displeased."

"I won't, sir," Harry promised.

"Good," Snape said with a nod, "I shall see you in the morning, goodnight."

"Night, sir," Harry said as Snape strode off.

The waitress approached. "What will you have?"

 **Later that night**

Harry read about recent events in wizarding history and shook his head. "Bigotry is the same everywhere, except in space."

"The Girl Who Lived?" Harry read. "What kind of stupid name is that?" He reached up and scratched his forehead. His scar itched.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **AN: What if the Dursleys were smart and didn't try to 'stamp out the magic' and instead encouraged him to do well in school and read lots of science fiction?**

 **TN: I'm rather looking forward to this. I've seen the subject addressed before, but not in a manner I quite liked. I imagine Dogbertcarroll here will handle it a lot better.**


	61. HP and The Horrible Relatives 2

**Harry Potter and The Horrible Relatives 2**

Harry was used to getting up early, his uncle Vernon was a big believer in exercise in the morning… for Harry. Harry had only complained once before his Uncle had pointed out that he didn't exercise and asked if he wanted to grow up to be like him.

Harry exercised religiously from then on and Vernon smirked a lot.

He had already finished his morning exercises, taken a shower, packed everything up in his amazing new trunk, and was reading a book on England's political landscape when Snape arrived.

Snape was pleasantly pleased to find Harry was not only ready to go, but had also listened to Snape's advice on familiarizing himself with the world he was entering. "We will start with breakfast; oatmeal and eggs," Snape informed him. "Once you have eaten, we will proceed to Saint Mungo's to get a Licensed Mediwitch to look you over and give you your immunizations. Do you have any questions?"

"No sir," Harry replied, putting the book away and placing his shrunken chest back in his pocket.

"Is that because you do not wish to be a bother or because you are too overwhelmed at this time to think of any questions?" Snape asked.

"The latter, sir," Harry replied. "Any questions I could ask are no doubt covered by the books I already have, so asking them would be a waste of time at present."

"Only at present?" Snape asked.

"Verifying them as true as well as making sure I have understood them would not be a waste of time, sir," Harry explained.

Snape gave Harry a single approving nod before turning and sweeping off, confident the child would follow. The remainder of the morning proceeded exactly as planned, much to his satisfaction.

Snape raised an eyebrow at Saint Mungo's when he saw that Harry had listed himself as Muggleborn on the patient information sheet, but didn't say anything. If Harry wanted to disassociate himself from the Potters he was hardly the one to dissuade him.

Once they had finished with all their scheduled tasks, Snape turned to Harry. "We have a small amount of time to spare. Is there anything you'd care to do?"

Harry considered the question seriously for a moment before replying, "I have enough I need to learn right now that buying more books would actually make it harder to work through. The temptation to try and brew something is too great to go to the apothecary shop for extra ingredients. I would like to try wizarding ice cream, but the time of a Professor is too valuable to waste. Unless you have a suggestion, I think I'm done, sir."

Snape nodded. "Some of the potions you have recently taken require significant amounts of sugar to reach peak effectiveness. One scoop, waffle cone, do not dawdle." He ordered, turning a walking briskly towards Fortescue's ice cream shop.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Thank you," Petunia said politely as Snape handed her the pamphlet usually given to muggleborn parents.

Snape gave a simple nod, turned, and vanished with a pop.

"He did that just so he could swirl his robe, didn't he?" Petunia asked.

Harry nodded. "Magic users not only lack common sense, but a lot of them are major drama queens. Mr. Snape seems mostly sane, but the way he moves is really dramatic, like he thinks people are watching him and he's putting on a show."

"How did you scratch your hand… Why is your full name scratched into the back of your hand?" Petunia asked.

"Wizards are dramatic and use contracts signed in blood to protect their secrets," Harry replied. "I'd tell you what it is, but… contract."

"Is it bad?" Petunia asked, concerned.

"No, it is simply stupid and dramatic," Harry replied, shaking his head.

"Harry!" Dudley called out as he came down the stairs and spotted his cousin. "How was it? Are they as bad as Dad said?"

"It was interesting," Harry said, "and while I can't say all of them are nuts, mainly because I haven't met them all, I can say a lot of them could do with some regular medication."

Petunia laughed, a genuinely light hearted sound that made the boys join in.

"So what do you think of magic?" Dudley asked.

"I don't believe in it," Harry said seriously, surprising him.

"Do you need medication?" Dudley asked cautiously.

Harry shook his head. "Whatever they are doing, I'm sure science could explain it."

"You are such a nerd," Dudley said with a chuckle.

"If you thought I was a nerd before, wait till you see all the books I've gotta read by September first," Harry said, pulling out his trunk and enlarging it.

"Whoa!" Dudley said, staring wide eyed, Petunia simply looked a little nostalgic and wiped the corner of her eyes while the boys were distracted.

Harry opened the trunk to the correct compartment, showing it to be packed solid with leather bound tomes. Dudley hid behind Harry and pretended to be frightened, making Harry laugh.

"I hope you have room for your school books," Petunia said, "because we've arranged for you to take correspondence courses for your regular classes."

"Thank you Aunt Petunia!" Harry said, giving her a hug that popped her back. "I was afraid I'd have to wait six years before I could catch up on my schooling."

"Just do your best and I'll be happy," Petunia assured him.

"Either do your best or it's best not to do it at all," he quoted with a grin. "Well, I best get to it, I have a lot to try and make sense of." He picked up his trunk and headed for his cupboard.

"I'll get you when it's time for dinner," Petunia told him.

"Thanks, Aunt Petunia," Harry said, ducking into his cupboard, leaving his trunk outside while he flipped multiple switches on the panels mounted on the underside of the stairs, turning on various blinking lights, a white noise generator, and a small fan.

He spent several minutes moving books from the shelves on the walls into his trunk before replacing them with books from his trunk, the large leather tomes having to be on their sides to fit shelves designed for much smaller books. Once he'd finished, he shrunk his trunk and placed it on a shelf beneath the modified dentist's chair that took up most of the free space in the cupboard.

In no time at all he was lost in his own little world, completely focused on the book he was reading ensconced in his homemade space capsule.

 **September 1** **st**

"Are you sure you have everything?" Petunia asked as she fussed over him.

"Triple checked the check list," Harry assured her. "Relax, I'll be fine."

"I know, I just worry," Petunia said before trying to straighten his hair, a futile effort but one that soothed her nerves.

"We'll see you at Christmas," Vernon said, laying a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Remember, if you feel your common sense start to go, let me know immediately and we'll figure out a way to get you home."

"I will Uncle Vernon," Harry promised, "though I think I have it covered with that book on psionics I found."

"It's not going to be the same without you around," Dudley said with a sigh.

"I'll be back," Harry promised. "Catch you later," he said, before going into a complex handshake that ended with the pair pulling out kazoos and giving them a quick toot.

The two boys quickly turned to Vernon and Petunia and burst out laughing at the expressions on their faces.

"That was sooo worth it," Dudley said as he and Harry wiped tears of laughter from their eyes.

"Bye," Harry said one last time as he turned and entered the station, not wanting to let them see him actually tear up, which he was feeling a bit close to doing.

Finding Platform Nine and Three Quarters had turned out to be really easy, even without having read the instructions in the muggleborn student pamphlet, all he'd had to do was watch for the area where a number of passengers had bird cages.

Bird cages were not a common item for children going to boarding schools to carry and it made it obvious to Harry where he needed to go.

He joined the rough line of Hogwarts students, though unlike them he had his trunk in his pocket, which made it harder for him to deliberately run at a brick wall. If he'd had a cart he'd at least have a buffer between himself and the wall in case he picked the wrong one, but without it he'd smack into it face first.

He took a few deep breaths and used the mental exercises he'd read about to calm himself, before he realized there was a third choice and simply followed the person in front of him when she went, as she looked to be much softer to run into than the wall if something went wrong.

He'd instinctively flinched as her back disappeared into the wall and he ran face first into the bricks and out the other side, but thankfully nothing went wrong. He barely managed not to run into her as she slowed down and they both moved to the side so no one would run them over.

The entire platform and the slow flow of students gave off a Victorian vibe that would have fit right in with the steam punk crowd, he decided as he examined the crimson and gold train that awaited him. Boarding the train, he chose a car near the middle to settle in, finding an empty one easily. Since he was at least an hour early and the ride was going to take most of the day, he enlarged his trunk and retrieved his wand, notebooks, and a small box.

There were a number of spells he'd wanted to try out, but had been mindful of Mr. Snape's warnings and had simply taken notes. However, now that he was in an area with experienced *magic* users, it should be safe enough to experiment a bit.

Flipping open his notebook, he started with the first charm. "Lumos," he incanted and was rewarded with his wand tip flickering like a dying florescent light.

He looked through the notes on the spell and went over the general casting tips before casting it a second time, fixing in his mind the knowledge that the spell would work and visualizing a strong blue glow. "Lumos," he intoned, filling the room with a blinding flash of blue light.

Harry blinked his eyes a couple of times to clear them and tried again, but with a lot less… effort. He was rewarded with a soft blue glow from the tip of his wand.

The light started to fade and he quickly 'pushed' at it, blinding himself once more.

Grumbling to himself, he rubbed at his eyes and waited for the spots to fade before trying a third time. "Lumos," he incanted firmly, concentrating on a modest red light.

He made sure to keep at least part of his attention on feeding the spell as he changed the light from red to orange to yellow.

The door to the compartment slid open, distracting him and his wand went out.

A bushy haired girl entered the compartment, dragging her trunk. She slid the door closed and turned around, finally noticing the other person in the compartment. "Sorry, I didn't notice you there," she apologized. "Do you mind?"

"No, there's plenty of room," he replied.

"Thank you," she said, opening her trunk and getting out a few heavy tomes. "Can you help me put it in the overhead rack?" she requested.

"You didn't get the featherlight enchantment on it?" Harry asked.

"I didn't know they had those for trunks," she replied.

"Featherlight and shrinking," Harry said, while helping her manhandle her trunk into the overhead.

"I'll have to see if I can have them added later," she said thoughtfully before offering her hand. "Hermione Granger."

"Harry Potter," Harry replied, shaking her hand.

"Hermione Granger," she repeated distracted. "Are you related to Ginny Potter, the Girl-Who-Lived?"

Harry shrugged. "Doubt it. My mum was a muggleborn and I was raised in the muggle world."

"Was?" she asked. "She… died?"

Harry shook his head. "Not as far as I know, she was just an irresponsible slag who didn't feel like raising children and pushed it off on others. Some people just shouldn't be parents."

"Oh," Hermione said, stunned speechless for a moment. "Well I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Harry waved it off with a cheerful smile. "I haven't been through anything, my Aunt and Uncle are the best parents I could ever hope for and Dudley's been a great brother… I'll save the angsting for when I become a teen and can wear heavy black eyeshadow and pancake makeup like a mime."

Hermione burst out laughing, feeling a lot of her anxiety fade away. She'd been worried about Hogwarts being like all the other schools she'd gone to but if Harry was a good example of the students, she was going to get along just fine.

"What are you working on?" she asked.

"Playing with the Lumos charm to see what I can make it do," Harry replied. "Watch. Lumos," he incanted, holding up his wand. He slowly increased the brightness, then dimmed it again before changing the white light to blue and slowly going through the colors.

"How did you do that?" she demanded, not recalling anything like that in the spell's description.

Harry showed her a couple of books, Casting Control by I.P. Freely and Finding the Limits by I.C. Wiener.

She bit her lower lip and looked at the book with longing.

"I've already read them, why don't you have a go at them," Harry offered.

"Thank you!" she beamed, caressing the book's leather cover before cracking it open and quickly becoming engrossed in its contents.

Harry returned to his testing, trying and failing to cast the spell without the vocal element, but managing to restart the spell if it had just died a second before without saying it.

He recorded everything in his notebook and moved down to the second charm. "Wingardium Leviosa," he incanted, moving his wand in the prescribed manner and sending his feather into the ceiling. After waiting a few seconds and realizing the feather was not going to come back down, he retrieved a second feather and tried again.

 **Half an hour later…**

"How many feathers do you have with you?" Hermione asked, glancing up from the book she was reading to the feather coated ceiling of their compartment as the train pulled out of the station.

"Tons," Harry replied. "The apothecary had one ton of feathers in a tiny box for a sickle… so I bought five."

"What are you going to do with five tons of feathers?" she asked in disbelief.

Harry shrugged. "The teachers use feathers as the target for loads of spells and this way I don't have to worry about running out."

"A bit overkill," Hermione said, "but you're right you can be sure you won't run out, even if you get held back a year… or three…dozen."

Harry grinned and sacrificed another feather to the ceiling before replying, "They have a thousand and one uses, for instance if attacked, I can release a cloud of feathers and escape in the confusion!"

Hermione laughed, unable to help herself as the image of Harry shooting clouds of feathers behind himself as he fled filled her head.

"I can stuff my own pillows and mattresses to make sure they are comfy," Harry said, another feather joining its brethren. "What am I doing wrong here?"

"I think you're going to need a professor to figure it out," Hermione admitted. "I was only able to make my feather tremble and that was probably from my breath."

The door slammed open and a pair of upper years looked into the compartment. "Clear out, this is our compartment," the broad-shouldered teen in green and silver ordered, while a well-built girl in blue and bronze glanced up and down the hall.

"They don't hold compartments in reserve, I checked," Hermione said, confused.

"Plus, pretty sure you can't get away with roughing up a pair of first years," Harry added, more aware of why they were being evicted than Hermione.

"Like anyone is going to care about a couple of mudbloods," he sneered.

"Mudbloods?" Hermione asked, confused.

"I forgot about that," Harry said. He turned to Hermione. "The wizarding world is racist as hell. Being muggleborn is like being a Jew in Germany during the early 40's."

"What?!" Hermione exclaimed, horrified as Harry gathered up his stuff and pocketed his trunk.

"The part where they are sneered at, not the camps," Harry said as he helped her get her trunk down.

"B-but Professor McGonagall didn't say anything about that!" she complained.

"People lie, overlook things, get things wrong," Harry said with a shrug, nodding at the teen as he cast a featherlight charm on the trunk to hurry them along. "She was probably just telling you what she wanted to see in the wizarding world. Never doubt the power of self delusion," he said as the compartment door was closed and locked behind them.

"That's horrible," Hermione said, upset.

"Well… It's not white in South Africa horrible, but it is pretty bad," Harry allowed. "They had a civil war about it a decade ago, but things still have a ways to go."

"How did you find all of this out?" Hermione asked as they started walking to the rear of the train, checking for empty compartments as they went.

Harry opened his mouth, paused, and then replied, "The Professor who walked me around gave me some extra time in the bookstore so I bought books on recent history."

"Oh," Hermione said, realizing a lot had been left out of her history textbook.

"Here's one," Harry said, opening a compartment door.

The compartment only held a single person, an older girl with dark hair who was snoring loudly.

They had to share a bench as the older girl took up the entire other side.

"I didn't think I'd have to put up with a bunch of bigots," Hermione said as they settled in.

"They are in the minority these days," Harry assured her, "at least from what I've read and most of them go into Slytherin so they're easy to spot."

"But what if I get sorted into Slytherin?!" Hermione worried.

"Muggleborn don't get sorted into Slytherin," Harry said, "not from anything I've ready anyway."

"Have you found out how they handle the sorting?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"Nah, but I've found enough comments on it to figure out it's some sort of personality test," Harry explained. "Whatever secrecy charms they use to keep it a secret doesn't extend to people's reactions so several others have mentioned bits of their sorting and it's all about how they worried for nothing and it's all down to who you are and what you think."

"I hope I get into Gryffindor," Hermione said. "It was Dumbledore's house."

"And?" Harry asked, not sure why that was important.

"And look at all he's done!" she exclaimed excitedly. "Obviously it's the best house."

"There is a connection in there that I'm not getting," Harry said, shaking his head.

"Gryffindor shaped him into the man he is today," Hermione explained.

"I think you're putting too much on the houses," Harry disagreed. "Not to mention, houses change. Fifty years ago, Slytherin wasn't filled with bigots like it is today and Dumbledore was in Gryffindor a century ago. It's entirely possible Gryffindor shaped him by showing him what not to do."

"Professor McGonagall is a close friend of Dumbledore's and she said it was the encouragement and support of his fellow Gryffindors that made him the man he is today," she said smugly.

Harry shrugged. "I don't care enough to argue about it, especially since they keep enough secret about the whole thing that we won't know for sure what's right until we've gone through it ourselves."

"I doubt the deputy headmistress would lie to me," Hermione said.

"She didn't mention all the bigotry you'll have to put up with," Harry reminded her. "People can be wrong without deliberately lying."

"That's true," Hermione admitted.

"The whole sorting thing seems pretty arbitrary to me anyway," Harry said, "I'm pretty sure I could make a convincing argument for nearly any collection of four random things to apply to the houses."

"How about the Wizard of Oz?" the young woman they were sharing the compartment with asked as she sat up, her hair turning pink and her features subtly shifting as they watched.

Harry decided he wasn't even going to ask why she felt the need to magically disguise her features while she slept. It probably had something to do with a feud or ducking an ex boyfriend or something. "Alright, give me a second," Harry said as he thought about comparing the four houses to something in the Wizard of Oz.

"Hermione Granger," she introduced herself, "and this is Harry Potter."

"Tonks, just Tonks," the pink haired young woman introduced herself.

"Got it," Harry said with a grin. "Each of the houses can be compared with one of the main characters. The cowardly lion symbolizes Hufflepuff, who preaches safety in numbers and secretly wish for courage."

Tonks laughed. "I gotta share that one with my housemates."

"The scarecrow symbolizes Gryffindor, who rushes in without thinking and wish they had some brains," Harry explained.

"Hey!" Hermione complained.

"This is gold!" Tonks declared.

"The tin man symbolizes the Slytherins," Harry declared. "They single-mindedly seek to accomplish their goals but really… all they want is to be loved."

Tonks clutched her sides as she laughed.

Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but stopped and blushed bright red.

"What?" Tonks asked curiously.

"We were chased out of our compartment by a Slytherin who wanted our compartment for him and… the girl he had with him," she admitted.

"Told ya," Harry said with a grin.

"And Ravenclaw?" Tonks asked, not letting him off that easy.

"Dorothy symbolizes Ravenclaw, they are always searching for something while wishing they were at home, safe in their beds," Harry finished.

"Seems a bit disrespectful," Hermione complained. "It's basically insulting all the houses."

"Actually as the Wizard of Oz would tell you, they had what they sought inside them all along, and that's the secret of the houses, while they may hold some traits to be superior to others, every house has its fair share of all four traits," he finished with a smirk, as the girls' jaws dropped.

"Did it hurt?" Tonks asked out of left field.

"Did what hurt?" Harry asked.

"When you pulled that out of your ass," Tonks replied with a grin. "If there was an award for bullshitting, you'd win first, second, and third place with that one. High five!"

Harry exchanged high fives with Tonks and turned to Hermione who clumsily gave him a high five as well.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Omake Time!  
**

 **"So what do you think of magic?" Dudley asked.**

" **I don't believe in it," Harry said seriously, surprising them.**

" **Do you need medication?" Dudley asked cautiously.**

 **Harry shook his head. "Whatever they are doing, I'm sure science could explain it."**

 **Abyssal Angel appeared suddenly and smacked Harry upside the head.**

 **"Ow! What was that for?" Harry complained, holding his head.**

 **Abyssal Angel pulls out a tesla coil and turns it on, holding his finger up and holding it close enough for static to arc to his finger. "Do you see this?"**

 **Harry nodded, "Yeah?"**

 **"This is electricity. Also known as lightning when it comes down from the sky. It is also electrons moving from atom to atom en mass."**

 **"Yes, I understand all this, what's your point?" Harry asked, getting annoyed.**

 **Abyssal Angel stared at him. "If you understand all this, does it somehow automatically cease to be electricity?"**

 **"What? No of course not! That doesn't make... sense... oh... I guess I was being kinda stupid there huh?"**

 **"Yup. Kind of a pet peeve of mine. Anyway, have fun!" Abyssal Angel then disappeared, rewinding the past few minutes from existence and getting back to the regularly scheduled program.**


	62. Of all Possible worlds 1

**Of all Possible worlds**

Ron wondered what he was going to do with his life now that high school was over. He'd thought he'd had it all planned out, perfect girlfriend, perfect job, perfect life… but things hadn't quite worked out as he'd planned.

He lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling with his hands laced behind his head. He had no end of possible choices. He chuckled and shook his head, amused at the pun. He had made his choice and decided it wasn't going to be 'Possible'.

The phone rang but he ignored it, letting it go to the answering machine. He listened to it with half an ear, noting Kim's voice before dismissing it as unimportant. "Not really feeling the college thing," Ron told Rufus. "I understand education is important, but traditional schooling isn't really something that works for me."

"Job?" Rufus muttered, the small naked mole rat mirroring his relaxed posture on a nearby pillow.

"I could work," Ron agreed. "I tend to learn best on the job anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, I learn best through one on one tutoring and hands on experiences."

"Job," Rufus agreed.

"I'd prefer something more… physically challenging, but something that involves lab work in addition," Ron told Rufus.

"Drakken," the mole rat suggested.

Ron considered that. "He's gone legit and I don't recall him being boring. Between him and Shego I could cover all the bases."

"New team?" Rufus asked.

Ron grinned. "Yeah, little buddy, looks like we'll be forming a new team, if I can convince them. No idea what we'd be doing but it would be interesting." The phone started ringing again, but Ron ignored it as he retrieved his helmet from his desk. "Ready to ride?"

"You know it!" Rufus said before leaping onto his shoulder, as he left the room.

 ***Beep***

"Ron, it's Kim. We really need to talk, I'm coming over."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Ron rode his moped with one eye on his cellphone as it guided him to his destination. While it didn't exactly attract a lot of female attention, his moped had great gas mileage, could be carried over obstructions, and was really reliable.

Still… a little extra speed would have been nice, he decided as traffic whizzed past him, everyone impatient to get where they were going.

 **An hour and forty three minutes later…**

Ron reached the summit of Mount Hope where Drakken and Shego now made their home, in one of their few unexploded fortresses. This one was one that was used for a weather control plan and thus had been designed to look like an observatory.

He put down the kickstand on his moped and took off his helmet, smiling as he took a deep breath of the cool mountain air. It was times like this that he wondered why he lived in the city, before he recalled that he lived in his parent's home even if they were never home themselves.

"We could totally move up here," he told Rufus.

"Cable?" the naked mole rat questioned.

"Satellite feed," Ron assured him. "You are such a city rat."

"You know it," Rufus replied cheerfully. "Shows and games."

Ron chuckled as he walked up to the front door of the base the former villain had converted into a home and rang the doorbell.

It wasn't long before a dark haired woman with green skin answered the door. Her eyes shot open as she realized it was him and she threw herself into a back flip, her hands lighting up with green fire. There was a fierce grin on her face as she scanned the area for danger.

Ron just waited patiently.

Shego began to get embarrassed. "Um… no fighting?"

"You guys aren't doing anything illegal as far as I know and I'm here alone," Ron explained.

Shego doused her hands. "Oh," she said, disappointed.

"You guys bored too?" he asked.

Shego sighed. "Drew can lose himself in his work at times, but we're both used to a certain amount of excitement, so… yeah."

"Who is it, honey?" Drakken called out from a hidden speaker.

"It's Stoppable," she called back, her voice echoing across the nearly empty hanger bay.

"Who?"

"The Buffoon," she yelled.

"Ask him in, I'll make him a plate," Drakken suggested.

"Want to come to dinner?" she asked.

"Sure," Ron agreed. "Where is he and why are you yelling anyway?"

"The intercom was installed at the wrong end of the bay," Shego replied. "I haven't been bored enough to fix it yet, plus there were some mutant creatures in the steam tunnels that needed disposal first."

"Thank heaven for small favors," Ron said, knowing she had enjoyed that chore.

"Tell me about it," Shego said. "I don't mind going straight, but the boredom is getting to me. So what brings you by?"

"Boredom and college not being my thing," Ron explained as they crossed the hanger bay. "I figured Drakken would be a better teacher and we could come up with something interesting to do."

"He is a surprisingly good teacher," Shego admitted. "Not sure what we could do that would be both exciting and legal though."

"Grave robbing," Ron replied as they reached the elevator.

"Isn't that illegal?" she asked.

"Not if you call it treasure hunting," Ron replied.

"Find a treasure map in your naco meal?" she joked.

"Nah, just a combination of common sense and super science," Ron replied. "Spain lost tons of gold and silver a couple of centuries ago; ships sank in a storm. If Drakken can build devices that control the weather, he can make something that can locate large amounts of precious metal under miles of sea water."

The elevator opened on a small laboratory that Drakken had converted into a kitchen and dining room.

"Ron, good to see you," Drakken called out. "I hope you like mac and cheese."

"Who doesn't," Ron asked rhetorically as Drakken made him a plate.

"I could do with a change," Shego admitted, "because you still cook for twenty so we end up with a lot of leftovers."

"I'm too used to cooking for the minions," Drakken admitted. "So, Ron, what brings you by?"

Everyone sat at the table, Rufus sharing a plate with Ron.

"I need tutoring and something to do that will give me purpose… and not bore me to death," Ron explained. "This mac and cheese is pretty good."

"Thanks, the secret is the whole kernel corn and nutmeg," the blue skinned scientist replied. "I've got time to tutor but since going legit, things have been a bit… slow."

"Have you considered a treasure hunting expedition, making a metal detector that works in the ocean?" Ron asked.

"Not possible," Drakken replied. "Sea water contains enough precious metals on its own to prevent accurate readings at any real depth."

"Hmm," Ron said, considering the problem. "I think I've read about that. It'd cost too much to mine the water for its precious mineral content."

"Precisely," Drakken agreed. "It's why coins came out eroded and pitted when they find them. The sea eats them, just like it eats everything."

"Wouldn't the water near large amounts of gold and silver have a noticeable increase in the amount in it?" Shego asked.

"Yes," Drakken said thoughtfully. "You'd need a chemical 'sniffer' and it would take time and luck, but you might actually be able to sniff out hidden treasure."

"Better than sitting around here doing nothing," Shego said, perking up. "I could use some sun and sea."

Drakken sighed. "Normally we would just rob a few banks and have the capital in days. Unfortunately, my patents don't bring in that much. Even if we scrimp and save, we are looking at a year, possibly two before we could fund such an operation through legal means."

Shego sighed. "So close!"

"How much would we need?" Ron asked.

"A ship and crew to start," Drakken said, "and while the ship is a significant cost, it's the crew that ends up eating the majority of your budget and limits how long an expedition lasts."

"If only we knew someone with a cloner," Ron said.

There was silence at the table for a minute as Drakken and Shego exchanged glances.

"How do clones handle sea water?" Shego asked.

"Rather poorly, however I've developed a lotion that should provide adequate protection if applied regularly," Drakken replied.

"What's the next biggest cost after the ship?" Ron asked.

"Specialized diving gear," Drakken said thoughtfully.

"Why specialized?" Shego asked.

"Because at the depths you need to search, humans tend to pop," Drakken explained seriously.

"Un-enhanced humans," Shego emphasized. "Pretty sure I can take depths in a bikini that would crush normal humans."

"No," Drakken said, with uncharacteristic iron in his voice. "If you are going in the water, you are going with the best equipment I can create! You are not expendable!"

Shego blushed lightly, a pleased look on her face.

"How about diving gear adapted to the diver's physiology?" Ron suggested.

"Most humans are pretty standard," Drakken said. "While my darling is far more advanced than the majority of the species, there is little advantage in adapting equipment to any great degree for normal humans."

"Never be normal," Ron said with a smirk as his eyes began to glow bright blue and the sounds of a primordial jungle began to drift in from the corners of the room.

"I keep forgetting about that," Shego complained.

"I don't," Drakken said with a shudder, as Ron allowed his mystical powers to settle once more. "Yes, with proper equipment the pair of you should be able to descend to depths that would be suicide for most divers… theoretically. I would want to do extensive testing to make sure before we do anything."

"Start looking for a ship, I'll get us financing," Ron promised.

"Can we vary the clones a bit?" Shego asked. "A full crew of obvious clones tends to attract unfriendly attention."

"The cloner can handle roughly similar body shapes, we just need a few more sources of DNA," Drakken allowed.

"I can get locks of hair from some of my friends," Ron said, thinking of who to ask.

"I'll need at least fifty thousand to start," Drakken warned. "I'm going to need to build an enormous dive pool that I can manipulate the pressure in, and I'll need some gold coins to train the sniffers. I also need to design and build the sniffers. If you wanted hands on experience you are about to get it, because we have a lot of work to do."

"What about me?" Shego asked.

"Diving classes and naval lore," Drakken said. "Our ship is going to need a Captain after all."

Ron grinned as Shego beamed. "I can write you a check for a hundred grand right now, but for tax purposes I'd suggest we wait till Monday and form a limited liability company and simply open an account I can deposit the money in."

"When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a pirate queen," Shego said. "I was going to sail the seas far away from my brothers!"

"We can always visit them just before we set sail, possibly even have them see us off," Ron said. "Imagine watching them wave from shore as we pull out."

"I'll think about it," Shego said, weighing how much she didn't want to see her brothers vs. how much she wanted to see them fade away in the distance.

"I'll go get those DNA samples and arrange for the money," Ron said. "I'll meet you guys here Monday morning and we can get the ball rolling."

"Who's in charge?" Shego asked.

"I'm in charge of the money, which means purchase approval. Drakken is in charge of the project as he'll be figuring out how to reach our goals, but the day to day operations, which includes safety and security, is you," Ron said. "Unless you guys have a better idea?"

"No, that works," Shego agreed.

"I request the right to be the figurehead and make grandiose announcements," Drakken said.

"That's a given," Ron assured him.

"Excellent, then I'm good," Drakken agreed cheerfully.

"Coolness," Ron said. "I need someone to show me the way out."

Drakken laughed while Shego got up. "I'll walk you out."

It only took a little over a minute to reach the front door and part of that was because the elevator had to be called.

"Any idea who you're going to tap for money?" Shego asked. "Because some of them can be a bit of a pain, interfering in things and making jobs harder."

"I handle the investment details for a private consortium," Ron replied. "I put it up as high risk, high reward and invest as I see fit. All that matters is it is legal enough the investors don't get in trouble and the risks are accurately assessed."

"How do we come off as high risk?" Shego asked.

"New business and we haven't worked together on projects like this before," Ron replied. "If we were an experienced group who had a number of projects under our belt, we would have a much lower risk assessment."

"Shouldn't Drew's patents help recoup costs?" Shego asked, knowing the scientist would probably develop at least a dozen new technologies while working on the project.

"No," Ron said. "Anything drawn up is written in such a way to insure he keeps ownership of his patents. Scientists like Drakken build on what they've already developed pretty regularly, so letting go of patents is like snipping the buds off a rosebush and then wondering why you aren't getting any flowers."

"I hadn't thought of it that way," Shego admitted. "Still, I'm surprised your investors would agree."

"You gotta think long term," Ron explained, "if we work out as a team, then even if we don't pull in a lot of money on this project, we'll make it up in future projects."

"Huh," Shego said thoughtfully, realizing Ron was looking for something a lot more long term than they had thought and wondering if it would be as exciting as being super-villains had been. "Catch you later, Stoppable."

"Catch you later, Shego."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Ron parked his moped and entered his living room only to discover an upset redhead on his sofa.

"You can't just dump me because I won't put out!" Kim exclaimed.

"Yes I can," Ron disagreed. "I can break up with you for any number of reasons or none at all. I still want to be friends, it's just… You aren't what I'm looking for in a girlfriend."

"What?" Kim asked, floored at his response.

 **AN: Things are never quite as simple as they appear.**

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	63. Of all Possible worlds 2

**Of all Possible worlds 2**

"KP," Ron said seriously, "we tried dating and it didn't work, period." His cell phone beeped and he gave it a quick check. "Hold that thought, Mrs. Dr. Possible wants me, says it's urgent."

"Mom?!" Kim exclaimed, concerned, before they both bolted for the Possible residence next door.

"Give me that!" Ann Possible exclaimed, wrestling her phone from her husband as the two entered the living room.

"But he won't come over if I text him!" Mr. Possible exclaimed before spotting Ron. "Aha, ja'cuse!"

"Dad!" Kim groaned.

"What's gotten into you?!" Mrs. Possible demanded.

"He's dumping our baby because she won't sleep with him!" Dr. Possible exclaimed.

"What?!" Ann exclaimed before sighing and pinching her nose. "James, I love you, but you've really got to accept the fact that our daughter is growing up."

"No, that's exactly what's going on," Kim said angrily.

"I find that hard to believe," Mrs. Possible said. "Ron, can you clear this confusion up?"

"Sure," Ron agreed. "Let's not go through the whole telephone game though, I want to explain what happened without people interrupting at every step so they can misinterpret things."

"That sounds reasonable," Ann agreed. "Please, go ahead."

"Alright," Ron agreed, relieved. "As you know, me and KP had planned to spend the night together-"

"What?!" James exclaimed.

 ***Smack***

Ann glared at James. "No interruptions," she reminded him.

"OK, maybe you didn't know," Ron conceded. "Anyway, I had everything planned out: candles, music, food. It was going to be perfect. Of course what I hadn't planned on was Kim showing up more than a little tipsy."

Kim shrank under her parent's narrow eyed gaze.

"Now, even though we made the decision while sober to advance our relationship to the next level, I was not about to sleep with someone who was clearly only operating on half their cylinders," Ron continued.

"But I said no!" Kim exclaimed.

Ron waited.

 ***Smack***

"Ow!"

"Sorry," Ann apologized to Ron for the delay.

"It's OK," he assured her. "Now I got Kim to drink a couple of cups of coffee so I could find out what was going on. Kim turned into a real chatterbox and was completely honest." He shook his head. "Kim, are you sure you want me to tell your parents what you said?"

Kim looked to her Mom for permission before speaking, "What? That the night wasn't special enough for our first time?"

Ron shook his head. "I guess you were a lot more out of it than I thought. No, what you said was that 'I' wasn't special enough for 'your' first time."

"I didn't!" Kim denied, horrified at the idea, while Ann looked disappointed and even James looked a bit upset. "I-I'm sure I just misspoke! I was drunk!"

"No, you were clear, amazingly clear, painfully clear," Ron disagreed. "You didn't have a problem with having sex with me, even admitted you were looking forward to it, but you wanted your first time to be special and I didn't really fit the bill."

"People get confused and misspeak when they're drunk," Ann said hopefully.

"She gave a quick list of all the guys she would consider having her first time with," Ron explained. "She even mentioned how perfect Eric would have been for the purpose, despite being a synth."

"Oh dear," Ann said sadly.

"Then there was a twenty three minute lecture on Bonnie's suitability," Ron said.

"What?!" Kim exclaimed while her parents stared at her in shock.

"Yeah, I timed it," Ron said. "It was well reasoned and articulate, despite the occasional slurred word. Hell, by the end, you'd almost convinced me!"

"But me and Bonnie hate each other!" Kim exclaimed, red faced.

"So to sum everything up, I don't have the kind of self hate required to date you," Ron said honestly. "I think you might need to talk to someone about… your ego, someone… professional. We're still friends, but any romantic feelings I had are deader than disco."

Kim collapsed onto the sofa and Ann tried to comfort her daughter.

"Self hate… is a bit harsh," James disagreed.

Ron shook his head. "No, to date someone who thinks that little of you requires you to hate yourself on some level and I don't. It's taken me a while to get to this point, but I'm no longer underselling myself."

"Sorry I accused you of breaking up with me because I wouldn't sleep with you," Kim apologized, bits of what she'd forgotten about last night starting to come back to her.

Ron sighed. "From a certain angle, that is what happened, after all, if you had been willing you wouldn't have… whatever little mental thing you have that makes us dating a bad idea. It's like in Star Wars where Kenobi tells Luke that Vader killed his father. From a certain angle… it's true."

Kim smiled and shook her head. "Never change, Ron."

"Wasn't planning on it," Ron replied. "I'd say the same, but…" Ron shrugged. "Well, now that, that drama is over, if you'll excuse me I have to call Bonnie before it gets too late."

"Thanks for being so understanding," Ann said. "Can we expect you for dinner tomorrow?"

"Afraid not," Ron replied. "I will be busy as a bee for the foreseeable future, but if I can take a raincheck I'll be sure and make time as soon as I can."

"You're always welcome," Ann promised and saw him out the door.

"Make time?" Kim asked, not having expected that response. Ron had never turned down a chance to eat with them.

"He probably needs some space, honey," Ann explained.

"Ah, OK," Kim said. "Wait! Why does he need to call Bonnie?"

"He did say your speech about her was quite convincing," James said thoughtlessly.

"What?!" Kim exclaimed in horror.

"James!" Ann groaned.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Bonibel, Tara," Ron greed the pair cheerfully as they sat across from him for breakfast.

"Don't call me…" Bonnie trailed off. "Bonibel, not Bon-Bon?"

"You remind me of a Princess in the cartoon Adventure Time," Ron explained, "Though you probably haven't seen it.

"Wel-" Tara began but was interrupted by Bonnie, "So what did you want us for and where is your better half?"

"We broke up," Ron replied. "Turns out I'm just not what she was looking for."

"Oh Ron," Tara said, placing her hand atop his.

"No worries, Tara," he assured her. "It was pretty easy as break ups go and we were heading in separate directions anyway."

"Aren't you guys going to the same college?" Bonnie asked, recalling the discussion about college plans they'd all had in class.

"I decided to go with a private tutor and hands on training," Ron replied. "I'm working on financing an expedition at the moment."

"Planned on sweet talking us into investing?" Bonnie asked curiously.

Ron shook his head. "Buy-in cost is a bit steep," he explained, "and even with the money we'll be spending, we are looking to cut costs by using tech that probably won't hit the market for at least thirty years or more."

"Like what?" Tara asked curiously, still resting her hand on Ron's.

"Like Drakken's Cloner," Ron replied, happy to share his plans. "Crew costs on ocean vessels are a big drain, but replace them with clones and it drops to next to nil."

"Don't they melt when they get wet?" Tara asked.

"It has to be one of several specific fluids," Ron explained, "and Drakken has developed a lotion that should prevent that."

"Yeah, but being stuck on a ship surrounded by clones of your ex does not sound like a good time to me," Bonnie said.

"That's where you guys come in," Ron explained. "Shego pointed out that a ship crewed by multiple of the same person could attract the wrong attention, so I was going to ask for a lock of hair from the both of you so we have some variety among the clones."

"Why not just get a bunch of hair from a barber shop?" Bonnie asked, getting ready to tease him. "You'd have a much more normal crew with that kind of diversity."

"Drakken designed the cloner specifically with Kim in mind, so it needs the DNA of young, healthy women to operate," Ron explained.

"So we're as… healthy as Kim?" Bonnie asked with a smirk.

Ron blushed, getting the innuendo on the first try. "Yes, yes you are."

"Is the DNA of just the two of us going to be enough?" Tara asked.

"With three clone types, we can dress them differently and do some things with their hair so people assume they are related rather than clones," Ron explained.

"As long as you don't have more than half a dozen grouped together, no one will question it," Tara realized.

"Exactly," Ron agreed, smiling at Tara.

"Exactly how much is buy in?" Bonnie asked.

"50 for a half share, 100 for a full," Ron replied.

"I carry that on me when I shop for shoes," Bonnie said, amused.

"I think he means thousands, not dollars," Tara said.

"Exactamundo," Ron agreed.

"What do you get for half a share?" Bonnie asked, surprised at the amounts of money Ron was dealing in.

"Half a share of the profits and regular updates on our projects," Ron explained. "Initial investment is high risk, high reward, since you know how few businesses make it a full year or more. Our first project is more of a shakedown cruise than anything else. Low danger, high possibility of large returns, but I figure we'll probably just break even, covering our initial investment and insuring further projects will earn higher dividends."

"Alright, you may have a lock of my hair," Bonnie agreed, "provided… you take us shopping, since the clones will need clothes in our sizes."

Tara nodded, letting Ron know Bonnie was speaking for both of them.

"Excellent," Ron said with a grin, "and where shall we be shopping?"

"Club Banana for socks, shirts, general underthings," Bonnie replied, surprising the two blondes who turned to stare at her. "The clones are going to need practical clothes, but you can't neglect the basics. Their work clothes we can get from Smarty Mart."

"Are we sure she isn't a clone?" Ron asked Tara.

"I'm not sure," Tara said, examining Bonnie closely.

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "You said you needed to dress our clones differently so people would think they were different people and I'd assume they would need clothes appropriate for working in."

"Ah," Ron said, realizing she was just being helpful… Something he hadn't expected. "I thought I was going to be shopping for you two."

"You are," Bonnie said. "We were planning on backpacking across Europe and doing that in designer clothes is just asking for trouble. My Dad is not Liam Neeson."

Tara and Ron laughed.

"Works for me," Ron said. "Now, what would you like for breakfast?" he signaled for the waiter.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Monique was surprised when Ron entered her store with Bonnie and Tara instead of Kim. "Can I help you?" she asked cheerfully, wondering where her BFF was.

"All the underclothes," Ron said.

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "Let us handle it, you sit down and let us know what you think when we ask."

"Should you be underwear shopping without your girlfriend?" Monique asked pointedly.

"I'm single," Ron said. "If you want to know the details, ask Kim."

"OK," Monique said. "Just so I know, should I be mad at you? And shouldn't you be upset?"

"No, I'm in the clear on this one," Ron assured her. "And… mainly I'm relieved it ended early enough not to get too serious and still be friends."

"Alright, I'll take your word for it," Monique agreed. "Anything I can help you with?"

"How about a lock of hair?" Tara asked.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	64. Choose Your Own Awards

**Choose your own awards**

"Hey, bro," Jessie said, taking a seat next to Xander in the library.

Xander smiled on seeing his best friend. "Hey, man, didn't expect to see you here." He idly paged through the big book of demons he was reading.

"I had some free time and thought I'd ask you some really serious questions," Jessie explained melodramatically.

"Like what?" Xander asked curiously.

"If you were allowed to choose any set of powers, but the more powerful they were the more dangerous the reality you were sent to, what would you choose?" Jessie asked.

"Is none of the above an option?" Xander asked hopefully.

"Nope," Jessie said, shaking his head, "no cop outs."

"Fine," Xander said. "Just to get a feel for it... if I choose Galactus, where would I end up?"

"Warhammer 40k," Jessie replied.

Xander winced. "Harsh, man."

"Galactus can step on entire pantheons," Jessie pointed out. "Gods aspire to his power level."

"Point," Xander agreed. "How about Dr Doom? All his power is knowledge."

Jessie shook his head. "Doom has the magical chops to be the Sorcerer Supreme and a brain so big it's not even funny. Choose him and you'd end up in Worm at the very least."

Xander's nose wrinkled up like he'd smelled something foul when Jessie said worm, even though he had no idea what it was. "How about Spiderman?" Xander asked. "He's got a pretty modest power set."

"That would drop you in a standard comic book world," Jessie said. "We are talking basic Spider-Man though, lift twelve tons, build your own web shooters."

"Is there any other kind?" Xander asked rhetorically. "Don't answer that, I know they've done a ton of alternates. Anyway, comic book worlds suck to live in, you can't go shopping without having to dodge the Hulk and learn a life lesson."

"Depends on the brand," Jessie argued. "Archie doesn't do that all that often and the adult comic based on it 'Cherry' only does it once a blue moon."

"Comic genres are important to keep in mind," Xander noted. "Just out of curiosity... how much power would I need to land in Cherry?"

"Original Captain America, but with a sex based origin story," Jessie said with a grin. "That your choice?"

"No... but it's tempting," Xander admitted. "So, actual power is the deciding factor, not potential?"

"Bruce Banner counts as the Hulk," Jessie warned him.

"I get it," Xander assured him, "but I mean, if I chose Bruce pre-gamma exposure he'd only count as Bruce, right?"

"Yeah," Jessie agreed. "You'd be paying for big brain scientist with a load of knowledge. I could slide you into Ghostbusters with that one."

"Alright," Xander said thoughtfully. "How about the ability to enhance people, at a weak enough level to stay in Sunnydale?"

Jessie slowly nodded. "That will get you a miniscule amount of power, less than a sparrow's fart, and completely violates the spirit of the agreement while keeping to the letter of it. I approve!"

"So what brought all this on anyway?" Xander asked.

"You don't think it's just an idle question?" Jessie asked, trying and failing to sound casual.

"Nope," Xander said, shaking his head. "I can feel it's you, but I also know you're dead," he explained. "Plus, I can tell I'm dreaming, but not in control."

"Since when?" Jessie asked.

"Since I started doing the whole lucid dreaming thing to help me deal with Halloween," Xander explained. "None of my usual tricks are working and," Xander opened up the Big Book of Demons to show Jessie the page he was reading, "all it says is 'blah, blah, blah' for details except for the small section in the corner where it claims I can make girls take off their shirts by entering the Konami Code."

"Yeah, that would do it," Jessie admitted, as the room began to shake.

"What's going on bro?" Xander asked.

Books began to fall off the shelves as the shaking got worse.

"Dream visitation, bro," Jessie explained. "The guys in charge thought they could get rid of you while rewarding you for your actions, but you managed to avoid that."

Blinding light began to leak through the skylight.

"Get rid of me?" Xander asked concerned.

"You screw up a lot of peoples plans, mostly evil guys, but the good guys plan around their plans so they get annoyed when they have to make new plans," Jessie explained, raising his voice a little to be heard over the slowly increasing rumble.

"What am I being rewarded for?" Xander shouted as the background noise rose to near deafening levels.

"Self sacrifice!" Jessie yelled.

"What?!" Xander yelled, squinting in the blinding light as the room came apart around him... and he remembered.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

Xander opened his mouth to say, 'kick his ass', but the words stuck in his throat. Buffy was going to put her life on the line, did he really think she deserved anything less than the truth?

"What is it?" Buffy asked.

Xander took a deep breath. "Willow is going to try the ensoulment spell again," Xander replied, "I don't think she's got the strength to do it, but she's going to try."

"Really?" Buffy asked, eyes focused on Xander with a scary intensity.

"Yeah," Xander said, knowing he should have lied as he saw the hope in her eyes and knew she couldn't beat Angelus anymore.

"Get Giles out of here, I'll take care of Angel," Buffy said.

"Sure thing, Buffy," Xander replied, hearing the end of the world in her hopeful tone. This time knowing he was lying to her, because as soon as he had Giles safe in the car he'd rushed back inside... only to find exactly what he'd feared.

"What's the matter little girl?" Angelus tormented her as he slowly twisted the knife he'd stabbed her in the side with, "I thought you liked when I shoved long hard things into you."

The bloody sword she'd been holding dropped from limp fingers, sliding down Angelus sword to clatter on the ground.

Xander barely noticed the slowly growing portal behind the pair as he stared at the scene in horror.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

Xander's eyes snapped open, he was floating in a swirling mass of energy holding a sword. Blood dripped from his many wounds and he could feel the ache of broken bones.

In a flash of light he found himself standing in Willows hospital room and immediately passed out from the pain, falling limply to the floor.

"Xander!" Cordelia cried out in horror, rolling him over onto his back and making sure he was breathing while Oz hurried to get help.

"What happened?!" Willow demanded.

"I don't know," the heavily bandaged Rupert Giles admitted, quickly kicking the sword under the bed before the medical personnel rushed in and carted Xander off, Cordelia following nervously.

"I smell blood," Oz noted.

Giles retrieved the bloody sword from under the bed. "This is the sword Acalatha was sealed with."

"So, it just appeared in Xander's hand bringing a load of injuries in the middle of a conversation because...?" Willow drawled.

"I don't know," Giles admitted with a sigh.

"Have to ask Buffy or Xander," Oz suggested.

"Or Angel," Willow added. "I felt the spell work," she said firmly.

"Yes, well as Buffy and... Angel are absent at this time, perhaps Xander can shed some light on what has occurred," Giles said, passing the sword to Oz.

A janitor entered the room, causing the three to fall silent as he mopped up the blood. "Let me see that," he told Oz taking the sword from him and wiping the blood off before disinfecting it as well.

Oz accepted the sword back and the janitor departed. "Sunnydale," he said, shaking his head.

It was freaky how people just ignored what was right in front of them, but it was useful as well.

"I'll monitor the situation with Xander and let you know when he's awake," Giles promised before hobbling off on his crutches.

"Not a good week for the Scoobs," Oz noted, setting the sword on a chair and taking Willow's hand.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOo**

"What did the doctor's say?" Giles asked as he found Cordelia pacing in the hall.

She stopped and turned to face him. "Cracked ribs, dislocated knee, concussion, several serious lacerations," she listed off. "What happened?" she demanded. "One minute he was perfectly fine and then the next..." her voice trailed off.

"I don't know," Giles said, "I'm hoping Xander will be able to tell us when he awakens."

A doctor stepped out into the hall and removed his surgical mask. "Are you here for Mr. Harris?"

"Yes!" Cordelia immediately snapped out. "When can we see him?"

"He's being transferred to room one thirteen, however he won't be awake for at least eight to ten hours," the doctor warned.

"That's Willow's room," Cordelia said.

"We tend to place people in rooms according to admission times," the doctor lied. "If you'll excuse me, I have more work to do."

"That is suspiciously helpful," Giles noted.

"That's Sunnydale," Cordelia noted before seeing Xander being wheeled down the hall and hurrying after him.

Giles readjusted his crutches and slowly followed along, they were in for a long wait until Xander awoke.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

Xander slowly woke up. "Buffy?" he asked blearily.

"Ran away," Oz replied.

"She was hurt," Xander said, recalling what had happened as he took stock of himself.

"How did you get hurt and where did this sword come from?" Willow quickly rattled off, waking Cordelia, who'd fallen asleep in the chair next to Xander's bed.

"Xander?" Cordelia asked curiously, seeing he was awake.

"In the flesh, bruised and battered as it may be," he replied reaching out for her hand.

"What happened?" Cordelia asked, clutching his hand. "You rescued Giles and were waiting with us to find out what had happened with Buffy when ***Bam*** you looked like you'd gone five rounds with a tiger and were carrying a sword!"

"I didn't rescue Giles," Xander disagreed. "I left him in the car when I went to help Buffy. See, I realized what a mistake I'd made when I told her about Willow casting the soul curse again-"

"What?! But I did!" Willow interrupted.

Cordelia glared at willow, who quickly shrank back.

She turned to Xander her face softening. "Start at the beginning and don't leave anything out."

Xander nodded, then winced at the pain that brought. "I was going to lie and tell Buffy, Willow said to 'kick his ass'," Xander explained, Willow tried to interrupt but Cordelia's glare silenced her once more, "because Buffy was finally in the right place mentally to face him... but I found I couldn't lie to her. I mean, Buffy was risking everything to save the world once more, she deserved the truth."

"Darn tootin'," Willow muttered.

"I could hear the hope in her voice as she told me to save Giles and that she'd take care of _Angel_ ," Xander said. "That was the moment I realized how bad I'd fucked up."

"She was already thinking of him as Angel," Cordelia realized.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "Here she'd been ready to kill Angelus and save the world and in one fell swoop I'd completely fucked things up. Angelus was going to kill her and the world was going to burn."

"But the spell worked! I know it did!" Willow complained.

"Then what happened?" Cordelia asked, giving his hand a squeeze.

"Giles was in the car," Xander said. "He was injured, but it wasn't life threatening; Angelus is very skilled at torturing people. So, I went inside to help Buffy, but I was too late, Angelus had cut her up pretty badly and stuck a knife in her side."

"What!?" Willow exclaimed.

"I swear to God, I will end you!" Cordelia hissed at Willow, making her shrink back. "And then what, Honey?" she said sweetly to Xander.

"Buffy fell, the portal was open, and there was really only one thing left to do," Xander said.

"You fought Angelus," Oz said, thinking about Xander's condition.

"Fought?" Xander said bitterly. "I wish! No, I entertained him while Buffy bled out and the portal grew larger. He was just about to kill me when his eyes lit up and suddenly Angel was back."

Willow glared at Cordelia but decided not to say anything.

Xander sighed. "Buffy was in a bad way, I wasn't too far behind her and Deadboy was crying like a bitch, while the portal was getting large enough to begin tearing at the ceiling."

"It takes a sacrifice to close it," Giles said quietly from his chair in the corner, causing everyone to jump as they'd forgotten he was there.

"Buffy needed to get to the hospital," Xander said, "and there was no way I could reach the car, much less carry her to it... but I could reach the portal."

"You jumped into the portal," Giles said quietly.

"More like it met me half way," Xander said. "It was kinda a relief that I didn't have to move that far."

"Considering your injuries, I imagine so," Giles said nodding.

"And then you appeared here?" Oz guessed.

"No," Xander said, "then I passed out and got a dream visitation from a friend offering me power."

"Tempted with power while enroute to hell," Oz deadpanned, "no way that's a trap."

Xander laughed and then winced. "Yeah, I was being rewarded for my sacrifice with power, but the catch was: the more power I received, the further away I was being sent."

"So it was a trap," Cordelia said.

"Not completely," Xander disagreed before yawning. "The good guys upstairs wanted me gone because I kept screwing up the bad guys plans in ways they hadn't predicted, complicating their own plans. It was an honest reward and a chance to reduce their workload." He yawned again.

"And since you are here, it's a reward you turned down," Giles said proudly.

Xander would have corrected him, but he was on the verge of passing out, the medication and injuries sapping him of strength. He could feel the miniscule thread of power he'd been granted and with his last conscious thought he used it to enhance itself, causing it to double in size...

...and somewhere in the upper reaches Janus laughed and laughed.

 **Typing by: Hawfeld**


	65. CYOA 2

"Ready to get out of here?" Oz asked as he brought Xander a wheel chair.

"My ribs say no, but the rest of me says yes," Xander replied as he carefully moved from the bed to the wheelchair, wincing as he did so. "Cracked ribs are the worst!"

"One of the few benefits of getting hairy is the healing," Oz said.

"Enhanced healing does sound pretty good about now," Xander said. "How hard is it to become a werewolf again?"

"Few benefits," Oz reminded him.

"So I buy a lot more Nair," Xander joked, "just slip me some tongue."

"I'll think about it," the blue haired teen replied, as he wheeled him into the hall where the girls were waiting.

"Slip who some what?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.

"You only caught the tail end," Xander quickly said. "Trust me, it sounds a lot better in context."

Everyone turned to Oz.

"I never kiss and tell," Oz deadpanned.

Xander snorted at the girls' expressions and then winced and held his side. "Ribs!"

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Try not to make him laugh, at least until it doesn't risk actually splitting his sides open."

"I'll try and resist the urge," Oz replied.

"You are the ultimate straight man," Xander said.

"Almost," Oz said, waggling an eyebrow at Xander.

Xander laughed, before groaning and clutching his side. "Did you have to find your funny bone just in time to hurt me with it?"

"I didn't have to," Oz replied, "it's just funnier that way." He wheeled Xander down the hall.

Xander laughed, before grabbing his side again. "Oh god, you are literally killing me."

"They're bonding," Willow explained incredulously, as Cordelia stared at the two while Oz wheeled Xander down the hall.

"Shouldn't they have already done that?" Cordelia asked.

Willow shrugged. "I can explain physics, boys…"

"And they call us strange," Cordelia said, shaking her head as she started to follow them.

"What time is it?" Xander asked.

"Almost noon," Oz replied as they reached the front desk.

"Good, I could use some real food," Xander said, hungry for lunch, while accepting a clipboard from the nurse and filling out the release forms.

"I'll bring the van around," Oz said.

"What do they have you on?" Willow asked curiously as Xander accepted a prescription bag from the nurse.

"Antibiotics and pain killers," Xander replied, returning the clipboard.

"And you won't take the painkillers," Willow said with a sigh.

"What? Why not?" Cordelia asked.

"Because he's a big old stupid head," Willow replied.

"Because pain killers slow down the healing process," Xander argued.

"How do you figure?" the nurse asked, while checking over his forms.

"Pain tells your body where to heal and how much effort to put in it," Xander explained, "If you lessen the pain, your body thinks it's a lot less serious and doesn't prioritize it."

"Well what we've given you is Motrin, which doesn't help with pain all that much, but does help with swelling and blood flow," she said. "So, be sure to take these, because they will help speed up your healing."

"Checkmate," Willow said with a smirk.

Xander considered what the nurse had said. "OK, you win this time."

"Glad to hear it," the nurse said smugly, "Have a nice day and try not to end up back here any time soon."

"Will do," Xander said, turning his wheelchair and wheeling out the entrance.

"I can't believe I love this idiot," Cordelia said with an exasperated sigh as she hurried after him.

"Stop trying to pop a wheelie!" Willow chastised him, hurrying to catch up.

"That is a sight for sore eyes, or knee in this case," Xander said as Oz pulled into the ER entrance in his two toned, brown and rust, colored van.

Willow slid the side door open and Cordelia helped Xander to his feet. While Cordelia helped Xander into the van, closing the door behind them, Willow returned the wheelchair.

Willow climbed into the passenger seat and buckled up. "To the library?" she asked.

"Food first," Xander said, "something with meat."

"That lets out the Doublemeat Palace," Cordelia said.

"Pizza," Oz suggested. "They'll deliver."

"During the day at least," Willow agreed.

"Library it is then," Xander said, leaning against Cordelia and closing his eyes as he contemplated how he was going to use today's charge. He could use it to enhance itself, doubling it once more, but it had already changed from a single thread into a rope well over a hundred times what it had been and it'd just be his luck to end up dead before he'd gotten a chance to use it because he'd been hoarding it and trying to reach for the brass ring without looking where he was putting his feet.

"Tired?" Cordelia asked.

"Just enjoying the company," he replied, giving her a squeeze.

Apparently he'd hit the daily double because Cordelia's smile almost blinded him, even through closed eyelids and he could feel her relax against him, some hidden tension she'd had fading away.

"Let's pick up tacos on the way," Oz decided. "The pizza takes up to an hour around here."

"You had me at tacos," Xander said, nuzzling Cordelia's neck and inhaling her scent. "I'll take a dozen, basic tacos."

"We could order four dozen and skip the pizza," Oz said. "The look on their face should be worth it."

"Make it fifty," Cordelia said, "and a small diet coke."

Xander grinned.

It'd been easy to use the enhancement ability to enforce itself, the idea was very clear in his mind, simple, easy to picture. Enhancing himself… he wasn't quite sure of. How should he picture it? Should he concentrate on an aspect? A concept? Maybe he was overthinking it. Maybe he should simply think about what he wanted and will it. If that didn't work, then he could overthink it.

Satisfied with his decision, he waited for Oz to place their order. It turned out to be even funnier with Oz's deadpan delivery. It was worth the pain the laughter produced.

Plus… tacos!

"How long until we get to the library?" Xander asked, stroking the box of tacos he was holding.

"Right about… now," Oz said as he slowed to a stop and put it in park.

"We should have gotten you a crutch," Cordelia said as she contemplated how they were going to get Xander and half a hundred tacos into the Sunnydale High School library in one trip.

"I can limp it," Xander promised. "You guys take care of the tacos and I'll follow."

"You're sure?" Cordelia asked.

"Positive," Xander assured her.

"Well… okay," Cordelia conceded, opening the sliding door on the van and trying to take the box from Xander. "I can't take the tacos inside unless you let go."

Xander let the box go. "I swear, I shall come for you!"

"Not in public, you goof," Cordelia said, blushing.

"We're still being melodramatic about tacos," Oz said.

"Oh? Oh!" Cordelia said, embarrassed.

"Only in private am I melodramatic about-" Xander began, but Cordelia quickly covered his mouth.

"I was going to say 'your taco," Xander said when she removed her hands.

"Yes, I know," the blushing brunette replied, a combination of annoyed and pleased. She picked up the box, gave him a look, then turned and walked away with a swing in her hips that Jessica Rabbit would have approved of.

"Go, I'll… catch up," Xander said, feeling a little… stiff.

Picking up boxes of tacos, the other two teens departed leaving Xander alone.

"That was evil," Xander said with a grin as the sun moved directly overhead and the rope of power glowed brightly once more.

"Oh yeah," he said, recalling his earlier thoughts. With a bit of a struggle and a little backsliding, Xander eventually managed to push the image of Cordelia sauntering away with his tacos out of his head.

"OK, no pressure, just try something and see how it works or doesn't," Xander told himself. "Worse comes to worse, I can try again tomorrow."

He forced himself to take slow deep breaths and picture what he wanted in his head. He wanted to be stronger, he wanted to be faster, he wanted to be tougher. He thought about martial artists and their concept of chi. If he strengthened his life force, would it strengthen him physically and allow him to heal faster? Or would it be like D&D when the fighter leveled up? His hit points would raise, reducing his injuries while his physical stats increased along with his skills.

He decided on concentrating on his life force and increasing it, which should increase his physical stats and maybe do some Force thing where his instincts would make him a better fighter, if all those martial artist movies were correct. He pushed aside all doubt and grabbed ahold of the rope, the concept of chi clear in his mind, with images of anime martial artists and D&D fighters flickering the back. The rope shattered into one hundred and twenty-eight little strands, which slipped into the crack in his soul, cracks he hadn't even known existed.

Thoughts and memories flitted through his consciousness, reminding him of things he had forgotten or suppressed.

*"If you overextend yourself, you leave yourself open to attack," Giles explained to Buffy as she went through a sword kata while Xander avidly watched the way her muscles moved beneath the tight jeans she wore… showing how she positioned her feet as Giles made her repeat a move until she had it perfected.*

*Angel threw a punch, putting his full force behind it, his torso adding power to strike at the vampire who had gotten the drop on Willow, sending it flying into a gravestone, its neck broken. Xander barely noticed, more concerned with driving a stake into the heart of the demon who had tried to take his best friend from him.*

*"You have to lead the target," his sniper instructor explained. "Don't shoot for where his is but where he's going to be when the bullet reaches him. Remember, one shot, one kill."*

*He could smell her excitement as she struggled under him, not sure she wanted to win. He playfully taunted her, using words he no longer fully understood and her eyes snapped to his, all hesitation gone. She was no longer playing, she had decided he was a threat to her pack and not a member of it, he could smell her anger. As she brought up a nearby piece of wood to know him out, all he could think was, 'Courting Slayers is hard.'*

*He felt the punch hit his side, the knuckles twisting to cause more pain by brutalizing the skin without causing any deeper damage that would show in bruises, providing evidence it had more than just boys rough housing.*

Xander shuddered and took a deep breath, finding it hurt less than it had a moment ago, both because his pain tolerance was higher and because he knew how to move properly to avoid stressing his injuries, but it was his ego that hurt the worst. He could see how childish and resentful he'd behaved at times, where he'd made situations worse instead of better because he'd misread all the signs.

"There are some situations where humor is inappropriate," Xander admitted aloud and winced. "Fuck, admitting that hurts worse than my ribs," he complained.

He slid out of the van, keeping his weight on his good leg while he slid the door closed and limped towards the library, moving noticeably smoother even while limping.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Whistler waited for the decision. If he hadn't caused him so much more work he would have applauded the kid. It wasn't often a mortal got one over on the powers above, especially a mortal on their side.

A ball of light formed in front of him.

"So, what's the verdict, do I whack him?" he asked, with a trace of sarcasm.

"No, his actions, chaotic though they may be, are beneficial in nature," the ball of light replied. "Removing him would be strengthening evil."

"So, what's the what?" he asked, imitating the kid.

"You are to train him," the ball of light ordered. "It is believed that his chaotic choices were the result of having no other winning moves available. Having suitable and logical solutions should make his actions less chaotic and easier to plan for."

"Makes sense," Whistler agreed. "Any word on Angel?"

"Efforts to remove him from Hell's embrace are already underway," the ball replied, "it's believed that the small amount of time he spends in hell will help temper his later actions."

"As long as they're doing right by him I'm happy," Whistler said. "Rat breath has not had an easy time of it."

"All of which was the direct and predictable results of his own actions," the ball of light reminded Whistler.

"Yeah, but a little compassion seems to be needed," the balance demon pointed out.

"That is your purpose," the ball of light agreed, before vanishing.

"I'm more a tough love kinda guy, but I can do compassion," Whistler said confidently.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Xander paused in the hallway as a chill shot down his spine. He glanced around but the hallway was empty and nothing seemed out of place so he resumed his limping way towards the library.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	66. CYOA 3

The door to the library opened up and Cordelia came out carrying a crutch. She looked surprised to see Xander but quickly hurried over to help him. "I didn't think you'd make it this far this fast," she said, handing him the crutch. "Giles had one in his office."

"I had good motivation," Xander said, adjusting the crutch to fit him before leaning on it to kiss Cordelia.

"And here I thought I was being snubbed for tacos," she teased.

"Never, but I will admit to being extremely happy," Xander said. "I've had nothing but hospital food for a week and not only am I a growing boy, I'm a healing one as well."

"OK, you're forgiven… this time," she said as they continued on to the library, moving at a normal walking pace.

He opened the door for her and was amused to find Giles looking befuddled at the multitude of tacos.

He was surprised to find he was able to read Oz a lot easier than he had before and he was clearly amused. Willow of course was as easy to read as always, she was trying to play innocent, but her lips kept twitching.

"I can understand you being hungry after a week of hospital food, but fifty tacos?" Giles asked Xander knowing his sense of humor and figuring it was all his fault.

"I'm good for at least a third of them," Xander said honestly before his stomach growled loudly enough to make everyone stare at him. "Maybe half," he admitted.

"I'll go get some sodas," Cordelia said, "You start eating, before you go berserk and start looking for Fava beans."

"Will do," Xander said quickly, sitting down and grabbing some tacos.

Willow handed Xander some napkins and was surprised he didn't eat them with the way he was attacking the tacos.

Oz ordered the tacos in front of Xander in rows of five. At Willow's look he said, "I'm curious to see if he can actually eat twenty five."

Cordelia returned a few minutes later with her arms full of sodas. Seeing the stack of empty taco wrappers in front of Xander she shook her head. "We are going to have to sneak in food to you at the hospital the next time you get hurt."

Xander beamed and reached for another taco.

"Better grab some," Willow suggested, taking three tacos for herself.

Cordelia grabbed two, while Oz grabbed four.

"Now that you're all here," Giles said, "I thought I might give you an update. Buffy took a bus to LA, I have yet to find her, but I am still looking."

"So she's not heavily injured, just upset and ran away for the summer?" Xander asked.

"That's not enough," Giles began but stopped himself. "Yes, compared to what you saw it must be quite a relief. Buffy does not seem to be injured, at least not physically." Giles seemed to take heart from that. "I'm afraid I'll be spending most of my time combing LA for her, so please try and be a little extra… cautious. I know it's the summer lull, but that does not make the vampires you run into any less dangerous, simply less numerous."

"We'll be careful," Willow promised.

"Any luck with Buffy's mom?" Xander asked.

"Well, after the yelling and threats had died down she was quite contrite," Giles said. "She's looking for Buffy as well."

"I hope Buffy's OK," Willow worried, "the streets are dangerous."

"She's the Slayer, not your average teenage runaway," Xander pointed out. "I'm more worried about how she's doing emotionally. Killing Angelus can't have been easy on her. We could really use a good shrink around here."

"Pretty sure that was your job," Oz told him, only partially joking.

"My job?" Xander asked doubtfully.

"As comfortador," Oz explained.

"Kinda," Xander said thoughtfully, "but I think we need a little more than someone to listen and nod. I think we need someone who can actually recognize when we are hiding things and knows how to deal with serious issues."

"You've been thinking about this for a while," Willow realized.

"We don't have normal teenage issues here," Xander said, "and while I can comfort and nod with the best of them, you all know I have no sympathy for Angel and I'd be lying if I tried to pretend I did."

"A neutral party would help," Giles admitted.

"I'm pretty sure we'd drive a qualified psychiatrist insane," Willow said.

"Or evil," Oz added.

"Our shrink would end up needing a shrink," Xander agreed, "its kinda why I haven't brought it up."

"Actually the council does have a policy of requiring regular therapy and those therapists are regularly cycled out to prevent… well, mostly to avoid them gaining influence over field staff," Giles said.

"And the reason we don't have one assigned here?" Xander asked.

"Slayers usually don't live long enough to need one," Giles said with a sigh. "If the Watcher manages to survive the death of their Slayer, they are recalled and placed in therapy."

"Slayers may last longer than six months if they get qualified psychiatric care while in the field," Xander said, shaking his head. His stomach grumbled so he grabbed another taco.

"I'm not sure voicing my opinion to the council would do much good; as far as I can tell you could all use professional counseling," Giles said.

Xander just gave him a look.

"Ah yes," he adjusted his glasses, "quite right."

"Twelve," Oz said, deciding to change the subject.

"What?" Willow asked.

"Xander has eaten twelve tacos," Oz announced.

"I'm not done yet," Xander said, "I'm just letting it digest a little."

"Feeling better?" Cordelia asked Xander.

Xander took a few deep breaths, wincing a little. "Probably going to be tender for a few days, but yeah, I feel much improved."

"Don't strain yourself," Giles ordered, "you'll recover much faster if you get the proper amount of rest."

"I plan on it," Xander promised.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

The soft sounds of rustling cloth and the sound of something moving quickly through the air came a second too late for Xander to do more than turn and drop his shoulder to brace for the hit.

 ***WHAM***

Xander rolled with the blow, trying to protect his ribs, cursing the fact that he'd let down his guard because it was still daytime.

"You've got to be aware of your surroundings at all times," the man in the fedora and trench-coat lectured with a touch of a Brooklyn accent, as he gestured with his baseball bat.

"What the fuck?!" Xander cursed, as he fought through the pain and snatched up his crutch, guarding his injured ribs and remaining crouched down to make a smaller target.

"Dinner for two and it comes pre-tenderized," a vampire said as he came out of an alley using the shadows of the nearby buildings to protect himself from the setting sun.

"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about," the man in the trench-coat said. "If I hadn't been here he would have come out of the alley and-"

"And I would have hobbled my happy ass into the sun in-between the buildings and amused myself with reflecting sunlight at him with my wristwatch until he was blinded and stumbled into daylight or retreated looking for easier prey," Xander said, on his feet once more, back against the wall of the alley.

"That's cheating!" the vampire exclaimed, sounding offended.

Xander and Whistler rolled their eyes in an eerily similar fashion.

"If you're not cheating-" Whistler began.

"-then you're not trying," Xander finished.

The vampire began to cautiously back away, realizing he hadn't just stumbled on an easy meal.

"Sorry, Sparky," the man in the trench-coat said, dropping the bat and comically winding up as if he had a baseball in his hand, "but you're out!" He threw a ball of flame that slammed into the vamp's back as he turned to run, completely engulfing him in flame and causing him to explode into ash a moment later.

Xander stared in shock and a bit of envy.

"I believe introductions are in order," the man in the trench-coat said. "I'm Whistler, the balance demon in service to The Powers That Be."

"And you're here to kill me," Xander guessed.

"What? No," Whistler said, shaking his head, "I'm here to train you."

"You're not here to get revenge because I outfoxed The Powers?" Xander asked in surprise.

"No kid, listen to me, The Powers, they're the good guys. Their plan to get rid of you wasn't because they disagreed with your actions, just your methods. Even the ones who actively dislike you because of all the extra work they have to do admire your actions," Whistler explained.

"I'm confused," Xander admitted. "If my methods are so bad, why do they want you to train me?"

"Because if you have the conventional skills to handle your business, you're less likely to pull some strange idea out of your ass to settle things," Whistler replied. "Like that vamp for instance, if you had the skill to stake him, you wouldn't bother with some crazy 'might work, might not' idea."

"You've got a point there," Xander said, seeing the sense of it. "And the baseball bat?"

"You've got to get people's attention before they'll listen to you," Whistler replied cheerfully.

"I'm still recovering from Angelus," Xander complained, "a simple 'watch the vamp go poof' would have worked."

"Still healing? But it's been an entire week!" Whistler said, confused.

"Normal human here," Xander said, "it takes more than a week in the hospital to recover from something like that."

"Oh yeah, I forgot how fragile you guys are," Whistler muttered to himself. "What about your empowerment ability?"

"Just used it on myself today, I was concentrating on increasing it into something useful," Xander explained.

"Yeah, The Powers noticed the drain," Whistler said. "I hadn't realized you'd been stockpiling it like that. I figured you'd have used it to buff your healing once or twice. Well, I got good news and bad news about your power."

"I can't use it anymore?" Xander asked, ready to argue about it.

"Of course you can," Whistler replied, his bat vanishing and gesturing for Xander to walk with him. "No, I'm just pointing out the limitations."

"Ah, OK," Xander said as he kept pace on his crutch.

"You've increased it to a pretty solid amount, in fact you've increased it so much that I would suggest not using it on the same person twice in one week. You gotta give the soul of the person time to adapt so it doesn't splinter," Whistler explained.

"That could happen?" Xander asked, disturbed. He wasn't quite sure what splintering a soul actually meant, but if it was anything like in Harry Potter it wasn't good.

"You can only put so much air in a balloon," Whistler replied. "With the amount of power you'll be pouring into someone, I'd give them at least a week and I would only give them two charges total. That should be safe enough to do without risking any damage to their core self."

"Anything else?" Xander asked, a little disappointed, but still quite happy with how it had worked out.

"Yeah, don't concentrate on a single aspect when empowering someone, if you want to give them a body like Conan's, remember he was also a pretty skilled thief and an effective king. If you can keep the multiple aspects of the man in mind, they can catch the overflow, so rather than making them a physical clone of the man, which they'd probably complain about, they'd gain the physical traits that didn't conflict with what they'd find acceptable."

"That's… kinda random," Xander said.

Whistler shrugged. "That's why this sort of power isn't found in the hand of humans. Normally empowering is done by beings you would call Angels and Demons with thousands of years of training under their belt."

"I can see why," Xander said, thinking he'd gotten lucky in his own empowerment, thanks to his inability to focus on any one thing. 'Yay for ADD!'

They reached Xander's place and took a seat on the steps, ignoring the sounds of an old war movie playing inside.

"How did a Balance Demon end up working for The Powers That Be?" Xander asked.

"Not 'a' Balance Demon, 'The' Balance Demon," Whistler said proudly. "See, my mother was a pure blood demons, but my father was one of The Powers. Naturally both sides were more than a little upset, making me an orphan, but while the ones below wanted to off me, the ones above took their marching orders from The One Above All, so they accepted me and raised me to be their go-to guy."

"And since the world is overwhelmingly in the suck you help the good guys out a lot," Xander said, "but doesn't that mean when things start getting better, you'll have to make them worse?"

Whistler chuckled. "The Balance ain't about good and evil, despite what everyone thinks. The Balance is about making life a challenge."

"What?" Xander asked.

"Ya remember the old Twilight Zone episode where the gangster dies and thinks he went to heaven because everything is going his way, only to realize he's in hell because everything is going his way?" Whistler asked.

"Yeah," Xander said, "I always thought it was a bit rushed. He should have slowly came to the realization over a year or so, as all the joy and excitement was slowly leached from his existence."

"They only had a half an hour, a bit less actually for ads and credits, to get the point across, so they had to cut some corners. For what they had to work with, plus the ridiculous censoring from CBS, they actually did an amazing job," the demon defended the episode.

"I agree, I'm just saying if they redid it today they could do a lot better."

"Agreed, but getting back on topic, that's the Balance we refer to. Life has to be difficult enough that people have to work at it, but not so difficult that they are being ground into the dirt with no hope for success. Demons upset that balance, so that's why we spend so much time and energy countering what they do," Whistler explained.

"Huh," Xander said, never having even thought about the Balance being anything but good and evil before and seeing things were actually more complex than the simple little black and white world he'd envisioned.

"The apple you pick yourself is always the sweetest," Whistler said, smirking as if there was a hidden joke.

"And you're going to train me?" Xander asked.

"To the very best of your abilities," Whistler agreed. "Never trained a human before, it should be fun."

"Why do I have the sinking feeling all the fun is going to be on your part?" Xander asked.

"Precognition?" Whistler suggested with a cheerful grin.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	67. CYOA 4

Xander woke up to the feeling of someone staring at him. Opening his eyes, he saw the Balance Demon from the night before sitting on his windowsill. "Whistler," he muttered.

"Hey kid," Whistler said cheerfully. "Healed yet?"

"Do you seriously not know human healing rates or are you just fucking with me?" Xander asked grumpily.

"Six of one, half a dozen of the other," Whistler admitted. "I've never made a case study of the subject, but surely you've noticed you heal pretty quick for a human."

"I-" Xander stopped to consider. He hadn't paid a lot of attention to it before and he'd basically been comparing his healing rate to Buffy since they'd started getting knocked around by vamps on a weekly basis.

"It's a side effect of the Hellmouth," Whistler offered. "Demons aren't the only things that grow stronger here."

"And being born and raised here I'm adapted to it?" Xander guessed.

"Pretty much," Whistler agreed. "The Hellmouth leaks energy, mostly chaotic rather than just plain evil as you probably think and life thrives on chaotic energy, just not nearly as much as demons do. Slayer's get a double dose, that's why the Watcher's Council doesn't help out a lot around here, too afraid of how strong a Slayer can become and hoping she gets knocked off before it becomes a problem."

Xander got up, his mind running about a thousand miles an hour, not even noticing that his knee was only a little tender now as he got ready for the day.

While Xander was in the bathroom, Whistler poked around his room, accidentally doing more cleaning and straightening than Xander normally did in a week. "Needs a bit more discipline, possibly a human trainer until he's healthy enough," he mused.

Xander came out of the bathroom walking with a slight limp and still favoring his side. "OK, what's first?"

"First tell me again all the details on how you empowered yourself and what effects you've noticed," Whistler said, setting down a Heinlein novel on the stack of books he'd sorted and straightened.

Xander nodded and sat on his bed, leaving his desk chair for Whistler. "I was kinda split between thinking about fighters in D&D and martial arts masters with oodles of life force," Xander explained again. "I was more concentrating on D&D, but the thought was still there. My rope of power turned into threads and slid into the cracks in my soul- should I be worried that my soul already had cracks?"

"Nah, that's normal," Whistler replied. "The cracks show the potential directions everything can move in, like learning a musical instrument or a new language. When you fill in the cracks all you do is give a direction of growth for the soul's potential, forced growth."

"OK, I can see that," Xander said thoughtfully. "My mind started going over all my memories, but putting a different emphasis on them, I noticed the martial aspects a lot more. Like watching Buffy train and seeing how she placed her feet rather than how tightly her shorts clung to her."

"Yeah, good," Whistler said, perking up. "And how did you feel?"

"Better," Xander said, "stronger. My injuries didn't heal or anything and they were still just as painful, but they didn't bother me as much and I knew how to move so I didn't aggravate them."

"Never played D&D, but I've heard about it," Whistler said. "What's the deal on the fighter class?"

Xander grinned and pointed to the bookcase. "Top shelf is my RPG section, grab the Player's Handbook and the Fighter's Handbook and give it a look through."

Whistler retrieved the two books. "Advanced D&D?"

"Second edition is the best edition," Xander said firmly.

"If that's what you were thinking of it's what I need to read," Whistler agreed, sitting back at the desk to start researching what Xander considered a fighter to be by this definition.

"Just remembered," Xander said, "I also got a walk-through on when I was possessed by the Primal and turned into a generic soldier by Janus. My senses seem better, but are nowhere near what they were as a primal and I can remember what the private knew, which really wasn't a lot."

Whistler nodded. "You don't have the Primal spirit providing power, but it'd know how to use your senses more effectively. Humans seem to ignore like 90% of what they can smell or hear, so now you are using them the way they were designed to be used, much like a trained woodsman."

Xander nodded and got up to retrieve a small stack of comics composed of DC's Who's Who and Marvel's Marvel Universe, comics that served as the basic character sheet for the capes from their respective universes.

"I think you hit upon just about the perfect template to grant powers without taking a couple of centuries of classes," Whistler said as he switched to the Fighter's Handbook.

"Really?" Xander asked as he looked up from reading the entry on Wolverine.

"Yeah, it's a solid base for the soul to expand from, not too limiting, and with a wide variety of options. Enhancing your ability six times would bring the thread count," he paused to chuckle, "up to 64, which would fit in nicely with all this character class stuff, as long as you had a good grasp on it."

"I've got a very good grasp on it," Xander said with a grin, "and the thread count is one hundred and twenty eight."

"But you were in the hospital for a week and burned a charge to enhance yourself yesterday," Whistler pointed out, "that's seven."

"I used it the day I received the powers as well, eight uses total for a thread count of one hundred and twenty eight," Xander said.

"OK, almost perfect," Whistler said. "I had thought you'd gotten the count wrong, but you got an extra in there. What exactly were you thinking in regards to martial arts masters?"

"Mostly Ranma ½," Xander replied.

"And that is?" the Balance Demon asked.

"It's a manga from Japan, but I've only ever seen the anime," Xander replied.

"Got a copy?" Whistler asked.

"Nope, I used to watch it with my friend Jesse," Xander explained.

"Say no more," Whistler said. "I'm going to go grab a copy. Hold on." In a flash of light he was gone.

Xander went over to his RPG shelf and collected all the class handbooks to give a quick look through.

 **An hour later**

 ***flash***

"Seven frickin' seasons, 12 OVAs, and one video jukebox," Whistler said, shaking his head as he set an armful of VHS tapes on the bed. "How many of these do we gotta watch to get a feel for it?"

"All of them," Xander assured him.

"Joy," Whistler said.

"It's a good series," Xander assured him.

"Where do we start?" Whistler asked.

"With the TV series, then the OVAs, and we can skip the jukebox," Xander replied. "There are also three movies you missed."

"And I gotta watch it all?" Whistler asked, hoping for a no.

"Watch the first season and then the OVAs," Xander suggested, "that should at least give you a solid grounding in it and while you do that I'm going to go see the gang and empower Oz."

"Think character class and definitely keep this Ranma thing in mind as well," Whistler said, tearing the plastic off the Season 1 box set.

"Overflow?" Xander asked.

"At a hundred and twenty eight there will definitely be some overflow," Whistler agreed.

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, give it at least a month before checking to see if they can take a second charge," Whistler suggested. "I'm thinking the answer is going to be no, but humans have surprised me before."

"Have fun," Xander said.

"Yeah, fun," Whistler said sarcastically as he slid the first tape into the VCR below the TV on a cheap wheeled stand that had seen better days.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Xander entered the library and Cordelia quickly rushed over to him. "Where's the crutch? You know you aren't supposed to strain yourself!"

"I've got barely a limp now," Xander said. "The plethora of tacos did me well. Any word on Buffy?"

"No, but then Giles probably won't be back for a couple of days, he said he was going to get a room in LA," Willow explained. "He'll call here tonight to make sure she hasn't returned and let us know how it's going."

"Sounds like a plan," Xander agreed as he and Cordelia sat down. "Careful of the ribs," he warned.

"Your face says it has an announcement," Oz noted.

"He does not… He does," Willow said.

"Is it bad?" Cordelia asked, bracing herself for more bad news. After the last several it wouldn't shock her to hear more bad things had happened.

"The opposite," Xander promised her. "Do you guys remember when I mentioned I was offered empowerment?"

"Yeah, but that would get you sent away," Willow said.

"I asked for the power to empower people at the minimum level I could get without them sending me away," Xander replied. "I never got a chance to say anything earlier because of the passing out and I wanted to wait until I got out of the hospital."

"That must have pissed them off," Oz said, gesturing upwards.

"Actually it just annoyed them a little," Xander said. "They gave me a tiny little thread of power which I fed into itself every day I was at the hospital, meaning it is now at-"

"One hundred and twenty eight times what it was," Willow quickly calculated.

"Yes," Xander agreed, realizing she'd gotten the number right because she'd made the same mistake Whistler had but didn't know he'd used it on himself. "Every day at noon I can empower someone permanently based on Dungeons and Dragons character classes."

"I know nothing about geek stuff," Cordelia reminded him.

Xander nodded. "OK, Dungeons and Dragons is a role playing game where you get a group of people together to make up different characters and roll dice to see what happens. Character classes are the jobs each has. There are a number of classes dealing with fighting, healing, and magic use."

"So you can assign us a job?" Cordelia asked curiously.

"Yes," Xander agreed. "Once a day I can choose a job for someone and their stats and skills will increase to match."

"Bard?" Oz asked hopefully, eyes lighting up at the thought of combining magic and music.

"Druid," Xander told him.

Oz considered that. "Why?"

"Because druids can cure werewolves," Xander replied, causing everyone to fall silent.

"Wasn't that a tree hugging cult in Britain?" Cordelia asked.

"Kinda," Xander said, not wanting to go into the Druids' bloody history. "In Dungeons and Dragons a druid is a tree hugger who knows magic and actually can command wild animals."

"In every game I played the DM didn't allow remove curse to be used on werewolves," Willow said with a frown. "Usually you had to go on a quest or get some artifact."

"I don't nerf players," Xander explained with a grin.

"So turn Oz into a druid to solve his monthly problem," Cordelia said, "and the rest of us?"

"I was thinking bard for you," Xander replied.

"She's got the looks for it," Willow admitted.

"I am envious," Oz told her.

"What's a bard?" Cordelia asked.

"A rock star who's able to put magic in their music," Oz said.

"Bards are the performers of the medieval world," Xander explained, "they can sing, dance, act, play nearly any musical instrument-"

"Plus all the acrobatic and rogue skills," Willow broke in. "Think Hollywood action star in real life with magical powers."

Cordelia turned to Xander, obviously restraining herself. "Let me know when those ribs heal."

"They are also famed for their bedroom skills and ability to seduce anything," Oz noted.

"Don't you mean anyone?" Cordelia asked.

"No," the other three chorused.

"They are simply that good," Oz said. "Of course part of that is their writing ability. They write all their own material."

"Shakespeare is often referred to as The Bard," Willow agreed.

"You know… Lycanthropy isn't that bad," Oz said hopefully.

"Or we can just make you a Druid with Bardic bent," Xander offered, "As a lot of those skills are open to all classes, they just don't choose to take them."

Oz perked up, eyes wide. "The secondary skills are a large list."

Xander nodded and opened his backpack, taking several books out to lay on the table. "Remember to think theme. I can hold it all in my head easier that way."

"One character sheet with backstory coming right up," Oz agreed as he and Willow retreated with the books.

"You should use your ability on yourself," Cordelia said. "We can wait an extra day."

"Already done," Xander replied, "I took straight fighter with a side order of anime martial artist."

"But you're still hurt," Cordelia pointed out.

"My power isn't healing," Xander said, "it's empowering and the powers I chose heals faster, thus no crutch needed, but doesn't have any magical instant healing abilities."

"None?" Cordelia asked. "I thought if a player slept in a bed they got completely healed. I saw someone play a video game and that's how it worked."

"Actually, I think I did heal a bit, D&D characters heal one hit point per level after eight hours of continuous sleep," Xander said thoughtfully. "Too bad I have no idea what level I am or how many hit points I have. Still, a little extra healing is always nice, plus that means I can recover from just about dead to full health in ten days, tops."

"Ten days?" Cordelia asked.

"Fighters get a D10 per level for hit-dice, so healing a point per level means I can go from coma to perfect health in ten days," Xander explained.

"That's pretty quick," Cordelia said.

"I feel like an idiot for overlooking that," Xander said.

"Don't be hard on yourself," Cordelia said, "that's my job."

Xander snickered.

"We're ready," Willow said, passing Xander a piece of paper.

"My power recharges at noon," he told her as he looked over the sheet of paper.

Cordelia looked over Xander's shoulder. "You're turning Oz into a Disney Princess?"

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	68. Hum a few bars

"I really wish my life had theme music," Xander said, interrupting Amy's preparations.

"What?" Amy asked, tilting her head.

"I said, I wish my life had a sound track," Xander repeated, "so I could hear when I was about to do something stupid because the music would get really dark and intense."

"That would come in handy," Amy said thoughtfully. "Use a karmic sensitive spell so you'd know if it was good or bad, cause stupid isn't measurable, maybe have the music selection chosen based on the amount of demonic energy in the area."

"You could do that?" Xander asked, surprised.

"Theoretically," Amy admitted. "Not sure how difficult it would be to do, but that's because I don't think anyone has ever thought of doing it before. I wonder what we'd hear right now?"

Xander winced. "My ears would be ringing. Let's see, I am blackmailing you to cast a love spell for revenge, not all that far from the Hellmouth. Frankly, now that I'm actually thinking about what I'm doing… I don't see how I could make a worse decision and I owe you a huge apology. I'm just so… angry and upset that I…" Xander shook his head. "I'm sorry for blackmailing you. I wouldn't really have ratted you out, I was pretty much bluffing."

Amy smiled. "I know." Seeing Xander's surprised expression, she laughed. "I've known you how long? I'm doing this because I owe you. If not for you and your friends I'd… I'd be very unhappy."

Xander groaned. "And now I feel even worse, which I know I deserve."

Amy smirked. "Good, that makes me feel even better. Now, hold still so I can paint you." She held up a paint brush and a small bowl.

"Didn't we just agree this was a really bad idea?" Xander asked, backing away from her.

"Yes, we did," Amy agreed, "but I'll still do it if you want me to."

"I…" Xander sighed. "Let's not be intentionally stupid, no matter how pretty the flames look as the school burns around us."

Amy laughed and set the paint and brush on the counter. "Alright, so what do you want to do instead?"

"I need something to distract me and stop me from doing something stupid," Xander said.

"That sounds like a long term project," Amy teased, trying to cheer him up.

Xander grinned. "How hard would it actually be to make that spell?"

"The one to give you a theme song?" Amy asked, just to be sure.

"That's the one," Xander agreed.

"I'm not sure," Amy said, chewing on her bottom lip as she thought about it. "I think we'd need to do some serious research and probably buy a jukebox."

"A jukebox?" Xander asked curiously.

"The music's got to come from somewhere and we'd need a selection of songs, that means either a jukebox or a lot of CD players," Amy explained.

"OK, that makes sense," Xander said. "A bit pricey as far as ingredients go, but if we could make it work it'd be worth it."

"If you're really OK with buying a jukebox, I'll start on the research," Amy said, "but you better be serious, I'm not about to spend all that time on it if you aren't going to put the effort in as well."

"Let me check and see if I can get a decent jukebox first," Xander said. "No use wasting your time if I can't swing it."

"I'll start researching anyway," Amy said, "I can see some uses for the basic research beyond just that. Now hold still while I paint your chest."

"But we just agreed not to do the love spell," Xander said, looking in Amy's eyes for a clue as to why she kept trying to cast it.

"And we aren't," Amy agreed, "but Heart's Ease uses pretty much the same ingredients and isn't a stupid idea."

"And what's it do?" Xander asked. "Cause the name is certainly promising."

"Heart's Ease is like emotional Novocain," Amy explained. "It numbs the emotions for a day or two and shouldn't be used for more than a week."

"That sounds helpful," Xander admitted, letting Amy paint his chest.

Amy double checked her work before setting aside the brush and bowl. She placed a small white candle between his hands and lit it. "Repeat after me," she said, clasping her hands around his. "And when you have completed the chant, blow out the candle."

"Aphrodite I implore-" Amy began.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"What are you doing?" Giles asked curiously as he saw Xander searching through the local papers and buy, sell, trades.

"Looking for a reasonably priced jukebox," Xander replied. "I'm not finding much and what I am finding is overpriced. I may have to figure out an alternate strategy to get one."

"Alternate strategy?" Giles asked, not sure he wanted to know.

"Find a property with one that was closed down for 'reasons' and fumigate for vamps before taking the jukebox as payment for services rendered," Xander explained.

"Probably illegal, though that would be at least somewhat moral," Giles admitted. "I don't think you realize how dangerous such an endeavor would be."

"Wait until the vamps have gone out for the night, seal all the entrances with communion wafers, wait a week to make sure they've moved on before looking around the place," Xander replied.

Giles considered it. "You'd need some way to make sure you had covered all the exits and hadn't accidentally sealed one in… but yes, that is a fairly safe way to go about it."

"Would lines of salt work?" Xander asked curiously. "How about kosher salt? Do you have anything about the do's and don'ts of vampire hunting because I figure someone probably wrote a book that covers the basics and questions I don't know enough to ask about."

"Actually I do," Giles said, amused. He went into his office and came out with a large leather bound tome that Xander recognized.

"The handbook that Buffy refuses to read," Xander said with a chuckle.

"The very same," Giles agreed.

"I need a notebook," Xander decided.

Giles beamed, glad that someone was taking it seriously.

"I'm going to have many, many questions for things I have read and probably misunderstood," Xander warned him.

"I'll be happy to answer them, once you've read the book," Giles assured him.

"Looks like I'll be busy this weekend," Xander said. "Ah well, not like I have anything better to do."

"I heard about what happened," Giles said, "if you need someone to talk to… let me get a few drinks in first."

Xander laughed, unable to stop himself. "I usually talk to Willow or repress like crazy, but I appreciate the offer."

"Good," Giles said, relieved.

"An index," Xander said happily as he looked in the back of the book. "That'll help me answer some of my own questions."

"Just be sure to read it all please," Giles requested.

"Will do," Xander promised. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a history class to nap in."

Giles shook his head and went back to re-shelving books.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Wild white roses only affect Dracula," Xander noted with surprise. "That wasn't something I thought affected vampires, but good to know."

"What are you reading?" Amy whispered so the teacher wouldn't overhear.

Xander turned the book to show her the cover, before flipping it around to continue reading and taking notes.

After the class was over, Amy followed him to his locker. "I didn't know you were interested in that sort of thing, but I have to warn you, vampires are not like they are in movies or at least the recent ones."

"This is more of a big game hunter's guide," Xander assured her, "not a 'vampires yay!' book."

"Ah, good," Amy said, relieved. "Any ideas about the jukebox?"

"Looking through what was for sale was a bust, so now I'm looking for a property that has one but is infested with vamps," Xander explained.

Amy just stared at him in shock. "Are you crazy?!" she hissed.

Xander grinned. "A little bit," he agreed cheerfully, "but you have the wrong end of the stick."

Amy calmed down, much to Xander's surprise as usually the girls he knew would need several minutes of yelling before they were ready to listen.

"Go on," Amy said.

"I'm not talking about fighting vamps, I'm talking about finding the right property and waiting until they've gone out for the night before sealing it so they can't return. Then I just wait a week to be on the safe side and snag a 'free' jukebox," Xander explained.

"That makes a lot more sense," she said, "low risk, high reward."

"Exactly," Xander said, happy she got it.

"Of course if you can keep vamps out you don't need to move the jukebox," Amy said thoughtfully.

"Huh?"

"If the vamps have kept the property… untouched by realtors, then it should stay untouched for at least a couple of years, so we can simply enchant the jukebox and leave it there," she explained.

"I'll need something more than just communion wafers then," Xander decided. "They last a month at most."

"I'll see if I can find something as well," Amy decided. "If I can find something strong enough to keep demons and people away it'd be a good place to crash on the weekends or just hang out when you didn't want to deal with people."

"That would be nice," Xander said. He tilted his head in thought.

"What?" Amy asked, wondering what he was thinking.

"Since we are looking at getting a place and not just a jukebox, I'll have you go over the listings with me when I find the best options," Xander said.

Amy laughed. "You move fast, blackmail, body paint, and now house hunting together."

Xander grinned. "Well to be fair the body paint was your idea."

The bell rang.

"Well off to class, see you later," Amy said.

"I'll call when I have a decent list," Xander promised.

The two parted, completely unaware of the rumors that were now being spread by one of the Cordettes who had just caught the tail end of that conversation.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

The gang gathered for their nightly patrol and surprisingly Cordelia had shown up as well, though she didn't look in Xander's direction.

"Wils," Xander said, "do you have any backdoors into the local realtor's offices?"

"No, it hasn't come up, why?" Willow asked.

"I figure the realtors would have a list of properties that they don't' go into because they are nests for vamps," Xander explained.

"That would be helpful," Giles said thoughtfully having thoughts about the matter. "While I wouldn't suggest attacking nests, knowing where they are would allow me to estimate the vampire population density a bit better."

"Miss Calendar is probably a better person to talk to about that than I am," Willow admitted, wincing under Buffy's growl and Giles' stiff expression.

"OK," Xander said, dropping that line of conversation and quickly changing the subject, "Giles, why do wild white roses drive off Dracula and do fuck all to any other vamp?"

"Dracula's real?" Cordelia asked.

"Yes, Dracula is quite real," Giles said, grateful for the distraction. "Dracula has a bit of an ego, to put it mildly, so he allowed a book to be written about him."

"Why hasn't someone staked him already?" Buffy asked.

"He's been staked, many times," Giles assured her. "However, it doesn't seem to take with him. He is not, in fact, demonic, which is not to say he is good. The Watcher's Council has investigated the matter and while he and his kind are considered vampires, because of shared traits, they are a completely different species."

"And the roses?" Xander asked.

"Best guess is they bring up things he'd rather not remember," Giles said. "While it makes him melancholy and he will not assault a female wearing one, it does not actually bar his path. There are records of him pushing past them to kill a hunter who had killed a favored childe of his."

"How would he know the difference between wild roses and normal ones?" Buffy asked.

"The smell," Xander and Oz chorused.

Everyone looked at the two.

Oz gestured for Xander to talk.

"The smell of cultivated flowers is… bland," Xander said. "Wild flowers have a greater variety of scent thanks to exposure to… everything."

"Wild just means all you do is water and trim, no isolation, or little food sticks in the ground," Oz explained.

"Pollen from other plants, bees, different amounts of water," Xander listed off, "they all alter the way they smell."

"Insecticide tends to cover it up," Oz added.

"What about the whole garlic thing?" Buffy asked.

Giles waved it off. "It gives him gas. Unlike most vampires he can still enjoy food and someone mistook his dislike of garlic for an actual aversion."

Xander laughed. "That's all I've got on Dracula, though I wouldn't mind reading about his bloodline just in case we run into one of his someday."

"His bloodline rarely chooses to make a childe, I think there are less than a hundred in the world at present, but I'll see what I can find."

"Cool," Xander said. "Do you have a list of which holy symbols repel actual vamps and things like that? The handbook just says 'many' without going into details and there's nothing in the index."

"It tends to vary," Giles said. "A lot seems to depend on the number of local worshipers; the less there are or the farther away you are from concentrations of them, the less that particular symbol works," Giles explained.

"That makes sense," Xander said, happy to see that everyone was thoroughly distracted. "Well, I've got to see a man about a house."

"Not patrolling with us?" Buffy asked.

"Nah, I'll catch you guys later, I've got some stuff I need to do tonight," Xander said.

"Probably off to see that skank," Cordelia grumbled once Xander had left.

"Skank?" Buffy asked, surprised.

Sensing the oncoming teenage drama, Giles retreated to his office.

"Xander has a skank? When did he get a skank?" Willow asked, surprised.

"Amy Madison," Cordelia said flatly.

"That was fast," Oz said.

"He's dating Amy?" Buffy asked. "When did this happen?"

"This afternoon," Cordelia said. "You'd think he'd wait at least a month!"

"Did you?" Willow challenged.

"I'm not dating anyone!" Cordelia replied quickly.

"So you have no plans to go out with anyone?" Willow asked doubtfully.

"No, I don't," Cordelia said firmly, "and I've been asked, a lot."

"Oz, care to give the male point of view?" Buffy asked, not wanting to deal with anymore romantic drama than she was already dealing with.

"No, I wish to do something safer like stake vampires," he said honestly.

"Please?" Willow asked, placing a hand on his arm.

Oz melted. "Alright." He turned to Cordelia. "You dumped him like you were shooting an after school special, you don't get to complain. If it was a mutual breakup or you were dumped, you could bitch."

"I was under a lot of pressure, OK?!" Cordelia turned away. "I didn't mean to break up with him, he was just so sweet and romantic that I knew if I didn't break up with him right then, I never would."

"And not breaking up with him is a bad thing?" Oz asked, confused.

"I'm not ready for that kind of commitment," Cordelia said. "I have things I still want to do with my life."

"Unless the things you want to do are other dudes, I don't see the problem," Oz said.

"I have a lot of plans and Xander doesn't fit in with them," Cordelia said with a sigh.

"And now his plans don't involve you," Oz said, causing Willow to stare at his complete lack of tact.

"Yeah," Cordelia said with a sigh, glad she had someone to talk to who seemed to get it.

"So either change your plans or cut him loose," Oz said.

"Change my plans…" Cordelia said thoughtfully with a small smile on her face. "I'll catch you guys later, I've got to think about some things."

After Cordelia had left, Buffy turned to Oz. "Usually only Cordelia is that blunt."

"Exactly," Oz said.

"Huh?" Buffy said, confused.

"Cordelia needed someone to speak to her on her level," Willow realized.

Oz simply nodded. "Took me a minute to get it," he admitted.

"That's the secret to talking to her?" Willow asked in disbelief before answering herself. "Of course that's the secret to talking to her, you just have to be as blunt as a wrecking ball. Why didn't I see that before? Probably because I'm not a rude… Bitca."

Buffy couldn't help it, she burst out laughing.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Xander repeated the Latin prayer over and over, trying to get the pronunciation right. He'd ran across the use of communion wafers to seal entryways from demons in half a dozen books while researching, but it hadn't included instructions. Fortunately the Slayer's Handbook did and was easy to find in the index.

He continued repeating it as he climbed the stairs, one of the wafers he'd gotten from Giles falling out of his pocket and landing on the steps unnoticed.

Seeing the light was still on in Miss Calendar's classroom he opened the door, only to find a nervous looking teacher holding a wooden pointer like it was a club. "What?" he asked.

Miss Calendar sighed and relaxed, putting the pointer down. "Xander, chants in Latin, even badly pronounced ones, aren't exactly a soothing sound around here. What were you doing anyway?"

"Trying to get this blessing right so I can seal doors and windows against demons," Xander replied.

"The pronunciation isn't all that important so much as the intent," she explained, "however let me help you with it before you somehow manage to summon a demon."

"Is that possible?" Xander asked, concerned.

"It is with the way you're butchering that prayer," she said flatly.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Angelus slammed into a barrier halfway up the stairs and went rolling back down to the first floor, breaking his arm and nose in the process.

Cursing, he retreated. He'd just have to find another way to get at that damn gypsy!

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	69. Insert Quarter - Evangelion

Shinji Ikari woke up with a start.

 ***Sleeping in an uncomfortable spot has restored ¼ of your energies***

He looked around, but didn't see anyone who could have spoken, he was the only one in the empty train car. In fact he was pretty sure he was the only one on the train period.

Looking out the window he watched the trees fly past for nearly a minute before getting bored and standing up to stretch his legs.

The train shifted and he lost his balance. He slammed into the floor of the train car which knocked the wind out of him for a second. While trying to catch his breath he noticed something beneath his seat.

Shinji reached under his seat and pulled out a copy of Disgaea. Climbing back into his seat he took a look at it. It was an American version of the manga, you could tell because not only was it in English, with all usual cultural and grammatical errors the Americans usually added, but by the fact that they'd slipped in popular American brands everywhere.

 ***Data integration level one available Y/N***

"Yes?" Shinji replied by reflex before looking around for who had spoken. "Must have been something over the intercom," he said before looking back down and finding the manga was completely blank inside. "What?"

He flipped through the manga, trying to figure out the trick, but it remained completely blank inside and the cover was now in black and white.

" _static-_ arriving at – _static-_ station," the intercom announced.

Shinji decided he'd figure it out later and stuffed the manga in his duffel bag.

As the door opened and he stepped off the train he was struck by two things, one they must have a large English population locally because everything was in English, all the signs and billboards, and two… the place was strangely empty.

He stopped at a vending machine to get a soda, but apparently it only accepted tokens of some kind because the prices were in HL and his coins dropped right through to the return slot.

Sighing, he exited the train station and looked for his ride. Finding the street as empty as the rest of the place, he sat on his bag and waited.

To relieve the boredom he popped in his headphones and turned up the volume. Soothing classical music filled his ears, drowning out the silence of the place.

 **Fifteen minutes later…**

Tired of waiting, he walked over to a payphone and lifted it to his ear, pulling his earpiece out of the way.

"All non-essential lines are shut down for the duration of the emergency," a recording said, repeating several times before he hung up.

He put his left earpiece back in and let the music sooth him. He hated being forgotten.

He drifted off to sleep for over an hour before a slight tremor in the ground woke him. Half awake, unable to hear the sirens and loud speakers announcing an Angel attack, he opened his eyes and looked around. He spotted a slender naked girl with blue hair and a hauntingly familiar face standing on the other side of the square.

A flack of pigeons flew across his field of view and when he could see where she stood again the spot was empty.

He shook off the remains of the sleep in his system. "I wonder what Freud would say about dreaming of naked blue haired girls who look like… Who does she look like?"

He was still trying to figure it out half a minute later when a pair of missiles shot past him.

"What the?!" He leapt to his feet. "Naked girl, penile shaped objects… Freud would probably say-" he babbled to himself, pinching himself to make sure he was awake.

A small red car screeched to a stop in front of him as he spotted a giant white figure swatting a gunship out of the sky.

The door on his side popped open and a large breasted woman with hair so dark it was slightly purple shouted, "Get in!"

Shinji didn't need an engraved invitation, he flung his bag in the back and dove in. The tires squealed as she peeled out and he righted himself in the seat, buckling up. "What's going on?!"

"Angel attack, no time to explain!" she snapped, yanking the wheel to the right and just avoiding the car getting stepped on.

To distract himself from their impending demise, he started trying to figure out what the dream analysis would be again. 'Freud always blamed everything on his… mother,' Shinji thought. 'Huh, she did look like a younger blue haired version of my mother.'

"Did you get the packet I sent you?" she asked.

Shinji finally recognized her from the photo she'd sent with a bunch of papers and a letter from his father. "Yes, Miss K-"

"Misato, just call me Misato," she said as they hit a straightaway and she hit a button on the dash, sending the car hurtling forward at speeds that he'd never thought possible.

"How?"

"Nitrous," Misato replied as the car slowed back down to something approaching but not quite reaching sanity, the battle left far behind. "It's murder on the engine but better than being touched by an angel."

"What just happened?" he asked in shock.

"The packet?" she asked again.

"I've read through the packet, but I'm pretty sure there was absolutely nothing about giants scheduled to battle at the train station a couple of hours after I arrived," Shinji said, still in shock.

"But do you have the ID that came with it?" she asked.

"I've got it right here," Shinji said, taking it out of his right shirt pocket.

"Clip it on," Misato ordered. "None of this is in the packet, NERV is a secret organization and humanity's last defense against the Angels. The giant you saw back there is an Angel, a giant alien being determined to destroy mankind."

"OK," Shinji said slowly, "of course the more rational explanation is that I've had a psychotic break from reality and this is all one big delusion."

Misato was quiet for a moment. "Not sure what I can do to prove this is real, since things are just going to get stranger from here on in."

"I don't think I can imagine stranger," Shinji said.

Misato stopped the car short of a tunnel halfway up the mountain they were traversing. "Hand me my binoculars from the glove box, I want to eyeball the battle," she said.

"Can't you just wait for the footage to hit CNN like everyone else?" he asked in disbelief, while obeying.

"This is all classified, none of it will make the news," Misato replied as she got out of the car and leaned on the roof. "You've got to see this," she said as she stared at the battle at the base of the mountain through her binoculars.

Shinji got out of the car and walked around to her side. She passed him the binoculars and watching the scene in amazement. "Holy… Why are the missiles exploding before they reach it?"

Misato took back the binoculars and focused in on the Angel. "Because the monster has an AT field. AT stands for Absolute Territory and it takes an AT field to break an AT field. All they're doing down there is wasting lives and buying us time."

"Time? Time for what?" Shinji asked.

"For our pilot to arrive," Misato explained.

"Pilot of what?" he asked.

"Classified," Misato replied, "like nearly everything else in my life."

"Where are all the choppers going?" Shinji asked as he saw several pass by overhead, moving away from the battle.

"Going?" Misato focused on the feet of the giant and saw all the military personnel and troop carriers bugging out. "But why would they be…"

A loud thrumming sound came from directly overhead and the two looked up as a bomber flew overhead.

"Shinji, get in the car," Misato said urgently.

The two scrambled into the car and Misato floored it, shooting into the safety of the tunnel.

"Nuclear bomb?" Shinji guessed.

"No, an N2 mine," Misato replied. "Just like a nuke, but no residual radiation."

"Won't we be safe in the tunnel?" Shinji asked as they passed the halfway point and were screaming for the exit.

"The blast wave would fire us out the tunnel like a bullet from a gun," she said in a surprisingly calm voice.

"Oh," Shinji said.

There was a flash of light and they could see a wave of fire enter the tunnel behind them.

"You have the nicest breasts I have ever seen," Shinji said conversationally.

"Thanks Shinji, I appreciate that," she replied back in the same manner.

The wall of flame neared the back of the car as they burst out of the tunnel, cracking the rear window and lifting the rear tires into the air as it shoved the car forward.

"Ahhh!" the pair screamed as they were pushed back in the seat by the sudden acceleration.

Somehow Misato managed to keep them from flying off the road and regained control of the car as the rear bounced off the asphalt, throwing them forward in their seats.

Silence reigned in the car for a few moments as they realized they were not only alive but going to remain so.

Misato snickered.

"What's so funny?" Shinji asked, as his heart rate dropped to something approaching normal.

"If we had died back there your last words would have been about my breasts," Misato explained.

Shinji considered that. "I regret nothing," he decided.

Misato's eyes met his for a second and they both burst out laughing like crazy.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"You lower all the buildings?" Shinji asked again, staring at the buildings hanging down from the roof of the unfathomably large geode they were riding through on a train car Misato had driven onto.

"Makes it easier to rebuild," Misato replied, "and it's not all the buildings, some of them are simply hollow shells used to provide cover or act as supply depots."

"This is insane," Shinji said.

"Welcome to NERV," Misato replied, before the train came to a stop and they drove off the train car and through the streets of the underground city.

 **Fifteen minutes later…**

"We're lost, aren't we?" Shinji asked.

"Endless matching military gray hallways that all look alike," Misato complained, not bothering to answer.

Elevator doors opened, revealing a blonde woman in a white bikini and lab coat. "Lost again, Misato?"

"Come on Ritsuko, I'm not that bad!" she complained.

"Well, Major," Ritsuko said with a smirk, "they didn't feel like waiting another two hours, so they sent me to get you."

"Two hours?" Shinji asked as they followed her into the elevator.

"It was one time!" Misato exclaimed as the door closed.

"Casual Friday?" Shinji asked Ritsuko.

"Cute," she replied with a small smile. "Dr Ritsuko Akagi, I have to use diving gear to service the Evangelions."

Shinji shook her hand. "Shinji Ikari. Evangelions?"

"Classified, but you'll see them in a minute," the doctor replied.

"Yeah, you're going to love this!" Misato swore.

The doors to the elevators opened and they stepped out into a barely lit bay, their steps echoing in the darkness.

"And presenting," Dr Akagi gestured and the flood lights kicked on, revealing an enormous purple head, partially armored and with a horn sticking out of its forehead," Unit Zero One!"

Shinji just stared.

"Of course we still need a pilot," Misato remarked.

"One has just arrived," a voice announced from above.

Shinji turned and saw his father standing with an older man behind him. "This is… really melodramatic," Shinji said, feeling strangely numb after everything he'd been through.

"He's the pilot?" Misato asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Gendo said, a bit put out that Shinji wasn't reacting as predicted. "Shinji shall be the pilot of Evangelion 01."

"But he hasn't had any training!" Misato complained.

"Well he just needs to sit in it to start," Dr Akagi pointed out.

"I haven't seen you in five years and then you send me a letter telling me to come here, schedule me to arrive in the middle of a war zone, and then set up a scene that wouldn't look out of place in an action flick… to ask me to pilot a giant… whatever and fight an Angel?" Shinji asked.

"Yes," Gendo agreed as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do.

"Are you off your meds?" Shinji asked sarcastically.

"If he won't do it, then Rei will have to," Gendo declared.

"But Rei's injured," Misato pointed out.

"It is of no consequence," Gendo said, "bring out the pilot of 00."

A door opened up in the side of the Eva bay and a pair of doctors wheeled out a familiar looking blue haired girl with half her face bandaged and her arm in a sling.

"Rei, you will have to pilot again," Gendo ordered.

"Yes, sir," she said in a weak voice.

"I have a sister?" Shinji asked in shock, startling everyone.

"She is unrelated," Gendo said firmly.

"Right," Shinji said sarcastically, as he walked over and knelt down by her wheelchair, "Like I wouldn't recognize my mother's face. She may not be your child, but she's definitely Mom's."

Gendo and Dr Akagi exchanged glances. This had not been predicted at all.

"It's nice to meet you Rei, I'm your older brother Shinji," he said, introducing himself and gently pushing her back into the chair. "Don't try to stand, I'll take your place."

"She really looks like your Mom?" Misato asked as Shinji turned around.

"Like she could be a blue haired twin," Shinji said. "Now, how do I pilot?"

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **AN: The Gamer is an interesting setup, but too limiting, so I thought I'd try something new… once more.**

 **There may come a time when I don't randomly start new fics, but that day is not today!**


	70. Hum a few bars 2

Xander sat down next to Amy and pulled his lunch out of his backpack.

Amy looked up from the book she was reading. "How's the search going? I can't imagine there are that many places that fit the bill."

"Out of the dozens of properties on the list I have found three that fit what we want," Xander replied while opening a can of Coke.

"Dozens?" Amy asked shocked.

"I know, it surprised me too," Xander said. "Most of them were warehouses of course, but still, that's a shock worthy amount."

"Warehouses?" she asked, wondering why he didn't find the warehouses surprising.

"We've run into a lot of 3rd shift workers in a lot of warehouses," Xander replied. "They seem to prefer them for some reason."

"Oh…" Amy said. She knew Xander and his friends... dealt with some of the stranger situations in Sunnydale, but she hadn't realized they'd made a habit of fighting vampires, much less nests of them. "So what are the three properties?" she asked while stealing his soda.

"A saloon, styled after the ones you see in cowboy movies, but for bikers," Xander said. "Of course for all I know it actually was an old time saloon at one point and just changed with the times."

"Didn't the saloons in cowboy movies always double as hotels and whorehouses?" Amy asked.

"Yep," Xander agreed, "which would fit a biker hangout better than anything short of Sturgis."

"I can see it," the blonde witch agreed.

"Second property is a movie theater," Xander said, "they have a nice large jukebox in the lobby and possibly a small one in the arcade area."

"I like that one better than the biker bar, and the biker bar was perfect," Amy said. "What's the third?"

"A 50's themed diner," Xander replied

"Why would… 'they' take over a 50's diner?" Amy asked.

"Why do 'they' do anything?" Xander replied with a shrug, stealing his soda back. "Something about… joining their group drives them insane … and stupid."

"How hard is it for you to clear each property with the realtors?" Amy asked.

"The diner would be the hardest," Xander said. "Best guess is that they are still in business and have a couple of foreigners running the place during the day, plus they definitely have sewer access."

"Sewer access?" Amy asked, wondering why that was important.

"The sewers in this town are huge," Xander said, "and the rats down there are as well."

"Gotcha," she said, figuring on what he meant.

"The theater doesn't have any sewer access and the current occupants are all day sleepers," he explained, "making it the safest one to fumigate, even though it's the largest of the three."

"My vote would be buying the theater then," Amy said, "two jukeboxes means we can have one each, also… I like the arcade."

Xander smiled and unwrapped his sandwich. "That makes it unanimous then. To legally claim the property one of us has to spend a couple of nights a month there, but that's not exactly a big sacrifice on my part."

"Claim?" Amy asked not sure what he was hinting at.

"There is a fancy legal term in Latin having to do with thresholds," Xander hinted, making Amy smack herself in the forehead for missing the obvious, "and I also picked up a law book from the library that outlines eviction notices, which is more your field then mine, but looks pretty easy to file. This all plan A of course, I'm not to fond of plan B. An ounce of prevention...etc."

Amy puzzled out what he meant and nodded, happy to find that she had something to contribute to their endeavor. She glanced around. "There is no one near us, do we really have to speak in code?"

Xander gestured to the next table and seeing a hint of movement, Amy glanced under it, spotting Aura 'picking up' her makeup.

After Aura had left, Amy shook her head. "Code it is."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What did you hear?" Harmony asked eagerly.

"They were actually talking in code so no one would figure out what they were saying," Aura said smugly, "but it was easy to figure out."

"Talking in code?" Harmony asked doubtfully.

"She even asked straight out if they had to keep using code," Aura said with a smirk, "and then she spotted me so I had to split."

"So what did they say?" Gwen asked.

"They were talking about where to eat and what hotel to stay at after," Aura explained eagerly. "They decided on going to an arcade rather than hitting a biker bar they knew, before going to a motel. They also had some stuff in there about birth control, cause Amy isn't on the pill. He put his foot down to say he preferred condoms to the morning after pill."

"At least he's putting in some effort and not expecting her to handle it all," Gwen said.

"Tell me about it," Aura complained, "last night Jim was like 'but there was spermicide on the condom we just used, that means it's safe to raw dog it now."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Do they always spy on you like that?" Amy asked in disbelief.

"I just broke up with their leader, that means I'm prime gossip material," Xander replied.

"I wonder what they're talking about," Amy said.

"I like my sanity too much to speculate," Xander said before biting into his sandwich.

"Good point," Amy said. "So when are we doing this?"

Xander took a sip of soda. "Everyone goes out on the weekend, so we'll have the place all to ourselves."

"Tonight's good," Amy agreed. "Meet up at the Bronze around five?"

"Bring a change of clothes," Xander warned. "I'd suggest something you don't mind getting dirty."

"Sounds a lot more fun than my usual Friday night," Amy said, "you dangerous bad boy you."

Xander snickered. "Boy is obvious and dangerous I'll cop to, but bad? I assure you, I'm quite good. In fact I've never failed to show a lady a good time."

"Really?" she asked, recognizing the set up for a joke in his tone.

"In fact, I promise to show you a good time tonight," he said and paused for a second before continuing, "we can wave at it as we pass by."

Amy burst out laughing.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander looked at the notes he'd jotted down while glancing through the book on threshold protection and wards. "Hey Giles, where can I find… this?" he asked, passing him a list of ingredients.

Giles put on his glasses and looked over the list. "The magic shop should have all of these. Am I to assume you have found a prospective property?"

"A small movie theater," Xander replied. "Amy likes the arcade in it, so we're going with it."

"A movie theater would have a more limited number of entrances and exits," Giles said thoughtfully.

"I got the blueprints from… and it has no sewer access, so I only have half a dozen points of entry I have to seal off on the exterior," Xander explained, skipping over who he'd gotten the blueprints from.

"It sounds like you've done your research," Giles said, pleased that Xander was making a serious effort to minimize the risks.

"I certainly hope so," Xander said going over his plans in his head. "Of course I also plan on taking a spray bottle of holy water, half a dozen stakes, and a couple of large crosses just in case."

"If you require assistance…" Giles offered.

"No," Xander shook his head so he recalled what he'd read about the fastest way to establish strong thresholds on a property, "I appreciate the offer but but me and Amy plan on doing this with just the two of us."

"I see," said Giles, trying not to smirk. "I believe you have things well in hand, just remember you can never have too much protection."

"Got that right, later Giles," Xander said as the final bell rang and he headed out to collect the ingredients for the dis-invitation spell.

Giles remembered when he was Xander's age and he'd done things a lot more dangerous and stupid than magically protect a theater from vampires to impress a girl. "Taking a girl to the theater is traditional, so I suppose it can be considered a traditional first date, filtered through Xander's mind," Giles decided.

"What?"

Giles turned and saw that Willow and Buffy were there. "When did you get here?"

"A couple seconds ago while you were chuckling to yourself about something," Willow said.

"Now what's this about Xander having a date?" Buffy demanded.

He turned and looked over his glasses at her. "Buffy, while he hasn't said that he's keeping it a secret, I do not make a habit of sharing personal information without permission."

"So there is personal stuff to be shared?" Buffy said with a grin.

Giles sighed.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Xander?" Amy asked as she looked him over. "I almost don't recognize you."

"I generally avoid dressing in black and wearing leather," Xander said, "but being mistaken for one of 'them' at the moment keeps curious people away and can give me a second or two to act before they realize I'm part of a different group."

"Doesn't that mean that wearing your usual bright colors attracts them?" Amy asked curiously.

"I never thought of that," Xander admitted.

"Does that mean since all the cult members dress like that, only the bad boys among them would dress like you usually do?"

Xander looked shocked for a moment before slowly nodding. "That would explain so much about my life."

"Seriously?" she asked.

"Remember Miss French, our Science teacher?" Xander said. "I spent a couple of hours chained up in her basement. Naturally, she had to skip town after that."

Amy shook her head. "I want to hear the details on that one."

"I'll tell you later, when we have some privacy," he promised. "Watch my bag while I get us some drinks."

"Sure thing," she replied cheerfully.

Xander returned a few minutes later with two drinks, finding it easy to move through the crowd as they instinctively gave him space.

"Thanks," Amy said, accepting the drink with a smile. "Rum and Coke?" she questioned after a sip.

Xander tasted his. "I just asked for Coke, want me to exchange yours?"

"No, it's good," Amy said. "Protection?"

"In the bag," he replied.

"How long until showtime?" she asked.

"Seven sharp," he replied. "Any earlier and the place would be crowded."

"Lets get pancakes," Amy suggested. "I'm a little hungry."

"Pancakes?" Xander asked, perking up at the idea.

Amy downed her drink. "Dinner then a movie," she replied. "That is the tradition."

"Pancakes and a picture," Xander agreed, before downing his own drink.

"Waffles and a… Any idea of a 'W' word connected to the movies?" she asked as she got up.

"Winter screening?" he offered.

"What's a Winter screening?" she asked as they left the lounge.

"Drive ins are usually closed during the winter because of the weather, but a couple of them in the snowier regions would show older movies during the Winter, knowing that while no one was watching the movie there was enough snow in the way that no one could see in the cars either, so no one complained."

"You just made that up," she accused with giggle.

"Yeah, but it sounded good didn't it?" he asked, making her laugh.

"Let's go out," Amy said, grabbing him by the hand and making him walk faster.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"He looks… good like that," Harmony admitted absently, as she and Gwen trailed the pair, trying not to be spotted.

"I can see him dressing up a bit for a date, but why has she dressed down?" Gwen asked, taking in Amy's beat up sneakers and faded blue jeans, along with an old t-shirt bearing a faded Dr Pepper logo that was barely visible on the reddish brown background.

"Who knows?" Harmony said with a shrug. "I mean, when has anything they've done made any sense? Xander could easily have become King of the school if he'd listened to Cordelia and dressed a little nicer and said the right things to the right people, but instead all he did was drag her down."

"Him?" Gwen asked in disbelief. "King of the school?"

Harmony smirked. "I've seen him dressed up nice once or twice, and not in the 'bad boy' way he is now, and he wasn't exactly hard on the eyes."

Gwen shrugged. "So? He still doesn't rate much, no matter how cute he is; he lets everyone push him around."

"No, he lets everyone he thinks isn't important push him around," Harmony said. "Larry can push him around and he'll do nothing and act like a dog hit with a rolled up newspaper, but give him a real threat and he's totally a different person."

Gwen considered that. "I think... I can remember him fighting when those gang members got into the school. He was brutal and beyond brutal, I'm surprised no one died. How did I forget that?"

Harmony shrugged. "If he showed that kinda backbone in school when it really mattered Cordelia wouldn't have dumped him."

"You were kinda raggin' on her about him," Gwen pointed out. "Hell, we still are."

"Well, duh," Harmony said rolling her eyes. "If he actually cared about her he'd have helped her maintain her status, not drag her down to his level. I may be more a rival then a friend, but Cordelia deserve better than someone who doesn't put her social position first."

"Yeah," Gwen agreed, seeing her point, "some people have really screwed up priorities."

"They're going to Da Waffle Haus?" Harmony said in surprise. "He should have at least sprung for Denny's."

"That boy has no class," Gwen said with a sigh.

 **Typing by: Dangasaur**

 **In a damp and dank basement, a young man shakily typed up the chapter for the author.**

' **Whoever the hell decided to let Dogbertcarroll shoot my kneecaps should be hanged,' Dangasaur thought to himself.**

 _ **Rick Astley starts playing**_

" **I'm finished dammit…..make it stop…...make it stop." He broke down into sobs.**


	71. Hum a few bars 3

"How are we doing this?" Amy asked as they approached the closed down theater, nervously glancing around at all the places vampires could hide in front of them and completely missing the two groups of people hiding on the opposite sides of the street behind them.

"Well," Xander examined the building and rechecked the address, "My plan was to seal all the outer entrances and then check the place to make sure we were alone…"

"Oh really," Amy said, a glint of amusement in her tone.

Xander chuckled. "Just the two of us." He wiggled his eyebrows comically earning a giggle. "But since our blueprints were wrong, I'm thinking after sealing all the external doors and windows-"

"How do you know they were wrong?" Amy interrupted.

"Because the blueprints were for a two story building," he explained, gesturing towards the three story building.

"The marquee does say closed for renovations," she pointed out.

"Yeah, and those changes were not filed," Xander explained. "So, we seal the exits, then we seal all the interior doorways as we poke around inside so we… won't be interrupted."

Amy grinned. "Finally, a man who doesn't leave protection up to the woman."

Xander patted his backpack. "I got it covered."

Walking under the marquee they tried both sets of double doors and found them locked. Xander recited a Latin prayer and wedged communion wafers under the doors before they disappeared around the left side of the building.

Harmony and Gwen stepped out from behind the mailbox they'd crouched behind.

"They're breaking in?" Harmony asked in disbelief. "Why would they break into a closed down theater?"

"Well," Gwen said thoughtfully, "if it still had all the equipment, they could watch a movie and do anything they wanted during it… Anything!"

"Oh, wow!" Harmony said, her mind dropping straight into the gutter. "Damn, he really does know how to show a girl a good time."

"I'll say," Gwen agreed.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Buffy and Willow turned to look at the stone faced Cordelia, Willow reaching out to grab Oz's hand before he could escape.

"Spying on a friend is very unfriendly," Oz offered, wanting to escape the entire train wreck he could see coming.

"We aren't spying on Xander," Willow lied, badly.

"We're spying on a witch," Cordelia growled out.

"And Xander just happens to be here," Buffy added. "Besides, what he's doing is dangerous."

"Dating Amy?" Oz asked.

"No, entering a nest," Buffy replied. "I don't care how many precautions you take, it is never safe. Some nests have guards, traps, or just keep a rotation for someone to stay back and prevent other demons moving in while they're out."

"Reasonable," Oz admitted.

"We aren't planning to do anything but stand watch unless we hear screams," Buffy said.

"Moans and screams aren't always a signal for help," Oz said delicately.

"Oh they will be," Cordelia muttered.

"I can tell the difference between the types," Buffy assured him.

"How are they going to get in?" Willow asked. "I mean from the sounds of it vamps lock their doors."

"You'd think they'd be too arrogant," Oz said.

"No one wants to get robbed," Buffy said with a shrug, "and I don't know how they plan on breaking in."

"Pick the lock?" Oz guessed.

"Xander can't pick locks," Willow said. "He went through a Houdini phase in ninth grade where he'd have me tie him up and he'd try and get loose and he couldn't even get loose from the handcuffs with the thumb release."

Buffy and Cordelia exchanged knowing glances, while Oz simply raised an eyebrow and made a mental note to make sure Xander was happily dating someone soon.

"Amy probably knows a spell," Buffy guessed.

They waited in silence as a few minutes passed and the pair made their way to the front of the building again.

Xander knelt down and did something to the lock, the two checking to make sure they had their equipment ready before pulling open one of the glass doors and vanishing into the lobby.

Cordelia and Buffy exchanged knowing glances once more, but didn't say anything.

"I guess he kept practicing," Willow said, surprised.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

The lobby was dimly lit with a thin layer of dust everywhere. A few lights shone on faded movie posters advertising movies that had been showing when the theater closed.

"Jukebox," Amy noted, walking over to examine the Wurlitzer Jukebox, its orange and red curves made iconic by the TV show Happy Days.

"Keep an eye out," Xander said as he quickly sealed the doors behind the concession counter.

"I'll check the women's room," Amy offered.

Xander opened his backpack and handed her a large wooden cross with a sharpened point on each end. "Just in case," he said, before sealing the open doorway past where the ticket taker would stand and tear the ticket in half that they'd just bought not more than twenty feet away.

"Bathroom is empty," Amy told Xander, "and I'm going to use it."

"Go ahead, I'll check the men's room," Xander said, taking a squirt gun out of his jacket pocket. The men's room was brightly lit and looked like someone had cleaned it recently and stocked the toilet paper dispensers. "Weird."

It took Amy several minutes longer than Xander and he poked around the lobby while he was waiting, finding that all the food and candy was gone from the concession stand, but that the soda fountain and ice machine were still stocked, though it was completely out of cups.

Amy had taken the time to touch up her makeup before returning to the lobby and finding Xander examining the empty popcorn tubs. "Something caught your attention?"

"Yeah," he said absently, holding up a medium popcorn tub. "Do you think you could drink soda out of one of these?"

Amy shook her head. "It can't keep butter from leaking everywhere, I doubt it'd hold water."

"Point," he conceded. "The men's bathroom was spotless and the soda fountain is still stocked, it just lacks cups."

"I've seen vamps in the bronze drinking soda," she pointed out, "so naturally if you drink, you pee. Must be an all male… flock, since they didn't touch the ladies room."

"Good, guys are easier to stake," Xander said matter-of-factly.

"Chivalric reflexes make it hard to stake female vamps?" she teased.

Xander waved it off. "Nah, it's just real awkward trying to get a stake in the ones with larger cup sizes and don't even get me started on the ones with breast implants."

Amy burst out laughing.

"What?" Xander asked. "I'm being serious here, if you don't take the big breasted ones from behind, you just can't get decent penetration."

"Ok, now that was on purpose," Amy accused with a grin.

"Not completely," Xander said. "I actually did stake a breast implant once and it stopped the stake cold. Buffy even did a spin kick to try and forced it through, but no dice, it just knocked her down. Giles got her from behind and when she ashed, the implants just dropped to the ground, leaving us all staring at them in disbelief."

"You guys," Amy said, shaking her head.

"Now on to the projection booths and the exit doors," Xander said.

"We already got the exit doors on the outside," she reminded him.

"Just the doors into the theater then," he said.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Think we've waited long enough?" Gwen asked Harmony.

"If we're quiet," she decided, not wanting to stay outside in the dark.

Gwen felt the same way as the two hurried into the theater, shooting nervous glances at their surroundings as if just realizing how dangerous it was to be lurking outside at night.

"Oh good, a bathroom," Gwen whispered, heading for the men's room.

"Why are you going in there?" Harmony asked quietly.

"Who'd look for us in there?" she pointed out.

"Good point," Harmony agreed, the two ducking inside.

"I knew it," Gwen said smugly as she saw the inside of the bathroom.

"Knew what?" Harmony asked.

"He already had everything set up," Gwen said smugly. "He set everything up for the date in advance, look at how clean the bathroom is."

"Then what was all the sneaking about?" Harmony asked.

"Setting the mood," Gwen replied. "He doesn't want the date to turn out to be a flop, so he got everything ready in advance. How much you want to bet he's already got her favorite movie on the projector?"

"That is sneaky," Harmony said, "I can see why Cordelia dated him if he did stuff like this."

"I know," Gwen said. "I wonder how serious about Amy he is. She's probably just a rebound girl."

"You aren't?!" Harmony exclaimed.

"What? All I have to do is teach him about how the social scene works and we'd be set," Gwen said.

"Cordelia would kill you," Harmony said.

Gwen shrugged. "Yeah, you're probably right, but nothing says I can't enjoy being the girl he rebounds off of in private a few times."

Harmony laughed. "You are so bad!"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"How many girls is he dating?" Oz wondered aloud, only realizing his mistake after he'd spoken.

"Dating?" Cordelia repeated. "They were just following him, how could that be considered a date?"

As the three girls focused on him, he remembered why he spoke so little in the first place. "The two of them could have decided to show up early to see what he had planned so he couldn't surprise them."

"They aren't exactly the types to wander the streets at night and break into places," Willow admitted, leaving out 'or they'd have died years ago.' though all three of them heard it.

"Those scheming bitches!" Cordelia hissed. She stormed across the street, the others quickly following her.

"Keep calm," Buffy urged. "Find out what exactly is going on, then catch them in the act so they can't deny it."

"I'm calm," Cordelia said angrily. "If I wasn't calm, the building would be on fire."

'I'm beginning to see what Cordelia and Xander had in common,' Oz thought, keeping his jaw firmly clenched shut.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"That's a lot of films," Amy said as they poked around the projection booth, a large room that stretched the width of the theater to hold the rack of movies and allow one person to handle both projectors.

"I think I read that it costs them thirty grand a pop," Xander said, "but that also includes the license to show it. Even if you get a replacement copy for a hundred dollars, you aren't going to be in a rush to throw them out."

"Oh my god, they've got Night of the Comet!" Amy squealed.

"Wanna watch it?" Xander asked.

"Don't we have more places to check?" Amy asked.

"Well it looks like the arcade was moved to the second floor, but I've already done all the stairs, so we can leave that for tomorrow when the sun is up and it's safer," Xander said.

Amy turned on the projector and loud moans came from the sound system. The two teens turned and stared at the screen.

"A bit much for a first date," Xander joked as a naked couple writhed and moaned in full surround sound.

"Yep," Amy said, blushing as she flipped a switch the film stared playing at a rapid rate, the people on screen squeaking like chipmunks.

The two laughed and managed to get the projector shut down so they could rewind the film and switch reels.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Theaters are sound proofed," Willow realized. "I don't think we could actually hear them calling for help from out here."

"We should go inside," Cordelia said, giving Willow a grateful look for the excuse, before quickly striding across the street.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"In here," Harmony whispered as they heard muffled moans coming from the first room.

The two teens snuck in, searching for the pair but all the seats were empty. The screen flipped into fast forward and they realized the two were still setting up the movie, so they dropped to the ground and crawled along the floor to find a good spot to spy on the couple when they came down to watch the movie.

"I've had guys try and get me to watch porn with them, but never like this," Harmony whispered to Gwen as they crouched down on the floor between the seats.

The screen leapt into fast forward and the moans became high pitched squeaks, making the two smother their giggles.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Follow me," Buffy said quietly as they entered the theater, listening carefully for any sound and leading them to the first screen. "Back row," Willow suggested, "Xander will sit in the middle for the best view."

Buffy nodded and cracked open the door, the sounds of sex causing everyone to freeze for a moment before Cordelia pushed Buffy and they tiptoed in, not seeing anyone as the movie sped up and the screen went black.

Cordelia gestured and the four moved to the back row, sitting on the floor so they wouldn't be seen.

Buffy could hear muffled giggling from somewhere in the theater along with laughter from the projection booth, but couldn't see anyone.

"I can't believe they're planning on watching a porno," Willow whispered.

"It does seem out of character," Oz agreed quietly.

"I bet it was her idea," Cordelia muttered.

The projector came back on and orange letters appeared on a black background running through the on a black background, running through the opening credits before a voice began speaking, "Since before recorded time…"

The two groups hit the floor, hugging it tightly as Xander and Amy entered the theater.

"I can't believe they had a porn cued up," Amy said.

"I can't believe they had so many of them," Xander said. "Pervy vamps."

The two took seats in the exact center of the theater.

"This would be better with soda and popcorn," Xander said, pulling a couple of cans of soda out of his backpack, "but we'll just have to settle for drinks."

Amy reached under her shirt and pulled out a red and white striped paper bag of popcorn.

Xander's jaw dropped as Amy passed it to him and pulled out a second one the same way. "How?!"

"Magic, now watch the movie," Amy said with a smirk.

"How did she do that?" Harmony asked aloud before slamming both her hands over her mouth.

Xander and Amy turned around and saw the two cheerleaders three seats behind them as well as the Scoobs in the back row… including his ex-girlfriend. Deciding he didn't feel like dealing with it right now as he'd been having a good time, he said, "Magic. Now be quiet and enjoy the show," before turning back around.

Amy grabbed his left arm and pulled it around her shoulders, making Cordelia grind her teeth.

Oz got up, walked down to the couple, and stole one of their bags of popcorn, much to their amusement, before taking a seat a row behind them, the Scoobs slowly joining him.

Oz put his arm around Willow and relaxed. The drama could wait. He loved this movie.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	72. Insert Quarter - Evangelion 2

"Houston we have a problem," Shinji said, trying to keep his head above the liquid pouring into the cockpit.

"That's LCL fluid, you can breathe in it," Dr Akagi assured him.

Left with no choice but to trust her words, he allowed himself to sink into the fluid and forced himself to take a deep breath. "It tastes like blood," he noted aloud.

"It is blood," Dr Akagi replied absently as she checked dozens of readings to make sure everything was running correctly and Unit 01 wasn't going to go apeshit and kill them all before the Angel got its turn. "Technically anyway. You see, the Evangelion Units are organic androids and oxygenated LCL fluid serves as their blood."

"And the reason you didn't tell me before the fluid started pouring in?" he asked annoyed.

"Because normally pilots go through an extensive training program and aren't just dropped on us as from on high," she said obviously still distracted by her work. "Any other questions?"

Shinji thought about it and asked, "What are you like in bed?"

"Submissive, but I like the man to do all the work," she replied as she eyes ran over a checklist on her clipboard. "Wait… What?"

"I asked, is there anything I need to know?" Shinji lied, while half the bridge crew was just staring at the monitor showing their newest pilot.

"Oh," Dr Akagi forced herself to pay attention for a moment. "Almost everything is done mentally, as you'll be fully linked to the Evangelion. The downside of that is that the closer you're linked, the more neural feedback you'll get."

"Ouch," Shinji said with a wince.

"Ouch, indeed," she agreed. "Fortunately your synchronization rate is just below fifty percent, so it won't hurt you nearly as much as the Evangelion when you get hit."

"Don't get hit and if I do, expect it to hurt," Shinji said.

"Precisely," she agreed. "Misato will direct you in battle and we'll be in constant contact, feeding you additional details as you need them. Do you have any questions?"

"Several," Shinji said. "Why do the hair pieces you had me put on look like cat ears?"

"They don't look like cat ears," Dr Akagi denied.

"Actually, they kinda do," Misato said. "Not like real cats, but like the stylized ones in some of the older mangas."

A number of people voiced their agreement and Dr Akagi took a closer look at the interface headset she'd designed. "Huh, I hadn't noticed this before, I suppose it's possible I subconsciously made it look like that because of my fondness for cats. Anything else?"

"Why does my pilot uniform look like it was purchased in a place with the words 'Sex Dungeon' in the title?" Shinji asked, making Misato burst out laughing.

"Any other questions?" she asked with a glare.

"Daddy issues and a drinking problem?" he shot back with a grin.

"No, that would be Misato," Dr Akagi replied with a smirk.

"Hey!" Misato complained.

"Good, it means we'll have something in common," Shinji told Misato, mollifying her a bit.

"Any serious questions?" Dr Akagi asked.

"Two spring to mind," Shinji asked seriously. "One, how do I use the bathroom in here, since I'll basically be drinking LCL every time I swallow and two, how much do I get paid?"

"The LCL continually circulates and filters itself, so no worries there and for the second… I have no idea," She admitted.

"Are you really asking for money to protect the human race?" one of the techs demanded.

"So you aren't paid?" Shinji asked. "You are working for free?"

"I have student loans…" the tech trailed off and buried her head in her work.

"Yeah," Shinji said. "So, if I am risking my life fighting Angels I'd like to be able to afford to get drunk and laid in my off hours, preferably with my own place, even if it is low rent."

"We can discuss it after the battle," Misato suggested.

"I have a have a much stronger bargaining position before the battle," Shinji pointed out.

Gendo and Fuyutsuki exchanged glances.

"You can stay with Misato," Fuyutsuki announced over the air, "as she's in charge of the pilots it is her duty to watch over you anyway. Your new ID works as a charge card, allowing you to make reasonable purchases. Is that satisfactory?"

"What?" Misato asked, not having expected this.

"You will receive a per diem for food and beverages to make up for the additional costs," the old man assured her.

"As long as you don't try and nickel and dime me to death or make me fill out requisition forms for everything, I'm good," Shinji promised.

"Then we have an agreement," Fuyutsuki said.

"We do," Shinji agreed cheerfully.

"How much of that was real and how much just nerves?" Misato asked shrewdly.

"Mostly nerves," Shinji admitted. "I mean, I've never been in a fight in my life and now I'm expected to battle an angel to the death."

"Never?" Misato asked incredulously.

"Never," Shinji confirmed, "so my first fight is going to be against a…" his voice trailed off for a moment, "Misato?"

"Yes, Shinji?" she replied.

"An N2 mine didn't kill it because of its… AT field, so how do I get through that?" he asked.

"Eva units have their own AT fields, which you can use to neutralize the angel's," Misato explained.

"That works," Shinji said relieved.

"Have you ever fired a rifle?" Misato asked.

"Yes," Shinji replied sarcastically, "I've been known as 'one-shot' Shinji by the local Yakuza because of my awesome sniping ability."

"Ok, that was a stupid question," Misato admitted.

"I've used the light gun on video games," Shinji said, "that's as much experience as I have."

"Ok, I'll have to explain as we go then," Misato said.

"Why are you using a fourteen year old pilot anyway?" Shinji asked. "Don't you have any trained soldiers lying around?"

"Plenty, but the Evas only respond to people born after Second Impact, so we have to work what we have," Misato explained.

"Then shouldn't you have been training me for the last couple of years?" Shinji asked.

"You'd think so-" Misato began.

"The Angel is in range!" one of the techs called out.

"And that's our cue," Dr Akagi interrupted. "Launch the Eva!"

 **. Evangelion Unit 01 .**

Shinji was pushed back in his seat as Unit 01 was sent shooting towards the surface on the express elevator from hell, while the unit was locked in a standing position by large metal rails that stood behind him.

"Release the rails," Misato commanded.

The Eva slumped forward in a clumsy slouch, like a rebellious teen.

"Concentrate on walking," Misato ordered. "Remember, it's your will that guides it."

"Then what the hell are these for?" Shinji demanded as he moved the two sliding controls his arms rested on, the Eva moving in step with them.

"It gives you something to play with to help focus your thoughts," Misato explained.

"That makes sense," Shinji said trying to get a feel for the Eva as he made it stretch and flex.

"Shinji there is a cord near the Eva's right foot, you need to plug it into the middle of its back, the Eva's only have five minutes emergency power without it," Misato explained.

"You've got to be kidding me," Shinji said as he hurried to do as she said.

"Afraid not," Misato said. "The amount of power they need to run is intense and strapping a generator to your back would be a bit ridiculous."

"I guess Duracell doesn't make Batteries her size," Shinji agreed.

A blue box popped up in front of him reading **Angelic Taint acquired**. He reached up and tapped it and it vanished.

"Her size?" Misato asked, before he could question her, about the blue box.

"It just feels female," Shinji replied.

"Works for me," Misato agreed, recalling quite a few street racers who insisted their cars were female and as a result took better care of them, she could use that.

"Ok, what now?" he asked, making the Eva crack its neck and roll its shoulders.

"Now a map is going to appear on the display in front of you, it's just like the minimap in a video game. The enemy will be marked in red, weapon depots in blue. I need you to go to the weapon depots nearest the path of the Angel. You'll need to eject your power cord and grab a new cord there," she explained.

"On it," Shinji replied, mindful of the cord that was trailing behind him as he managed a shambling jog down the street of the empty city, towering over nearby structures.

It took him little over five minutes to reach the depot and he stepped on half a dozen cars en route.

"The Angel will reach your position in three minutes," Misato warned as Shinji switched the cords.

"I'm ready." he replied as he tapped the box reading **Angelic Contamination .03 percent** , dismissing it. He looked around, wondering if he could climb on top of the nearby buildings and leap down on the Angel taking it unaware.

"Alright," Misato said as the back of the depot popped open like the World's largest closet, revealing a rifle that looked like it was designed for hunting Kaiju. "Now, that is a Pallet Gun. You will use that to fire on the Angel the moment it comes into view."

Shinji picked up the massive weapon and tried to find a comfortable way to wield it. "Does it fire N2 Mines?"

"No! Using N2 mines in the city is a last resort," Misato said.

"Ah, so the bullets in this are made of some special material that cuts through an AT field," he guessed.

"No... but they're the size of my car," Misato offered.

"So… what you're saying is that these bullets are going to do fuck all against the Angel?" he asked.

"Directly… yes," Misato admitted, "but it should weaken the Angel's AT field and make it easier to penetrate with your own when it reaches hand to hand combat range."

"Do we know that for sure or is that just a guess?" Shinji asked, using a motel to steady the gun and provide some cover.

"Mostly guesswork, but it's educated guesswork," she admitted, noting his position. "No complaints?"

"I'm going to shoot the world's largest gun," Shinji replied, "why would I complain about that? At best it works and weakens the enemy, at worst it does nothing but made me smile, win win."

"A little panic or case of nerves would be understandable," Misato said, knowing he had to be hiding how he really felt.

 **Angelic Contamination .05 percent** the blue box read as he tapped it.

"Misato, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but now is not the time for me to have a nervous breakdown. I have it scheduled for five seconds after I have destroyed the Angel. For the moment I am going to pretend everything is fine and this is just a weird ass dream while I do my best to kill the dream representation of my father, ok?" he said in a somewhat brittle tone.

"Yeah," Misato said slowly, "that does sound like a good idea." They really couldn't afford him breaking down right now and if it required playing into his dream delusion she could handle that.

"Prep the first child to pilot just in case the third breaks down," Gendo ordered.

The pair ignored him as Misato continued, "The… Gendo is in sight, aim for center mass."

"On it," Shinji promised, finger tightening on the trigger.

Shot after shot struck the towering white figure in the center of its chest at a speed that was just short of insane, actually pushing it back as the car sized bullets thudded home.

The noise was deafening and as the last explosion faded out Shinji could be heard yelling, "and that's for missing my birthday!"

Misato opened her mouth to order Shinji to charge, but he'd already dropped the now empty rifle and charged the Angel, lighting up its AT field as he pounded on it with his both fists.

"It's AT field is falling," Dr Akagi responded.

"That a boy, Shinji," Misato encouraged him.

"There's energy buildup-" Dr Akagi began as the eyes of the Angel began to glow, only to be interrupted by an explosion that flung both titanic creatures away from one another.

"Shinji, are you okay?!" Misato demanded

"Hah!" Shinji snarled as he pulled himself out of the shell of an apartment complex. "You think that hurt? You missing my cello recital for the dozenth time hurt more than that!"

The Angel appeared stunned and was slightly smoking from being caught in its own explosion as it slowly climbed to its feet, the remains of a Burger King crushed beneath its giant white form.

"Shinji, you have a progressive knife in your left pauldron… shoulder armor," Misato explained.

He reached up and a compartment opened, dropping a car sized blade into his hand. As he gripped its handle an unseen motor quickly spun up to speed causing it to vibrate. "Vibro-blade, neat," Shinji commented absently as he began to run directly at his recovering foe.

"Power's building up-" Dr Akagi began, when Shinji tore through the weakened AT field and stabbed the angel in the eye. "Nevermind."

"And this is for never taking me to a ball game!" Shinji snarled as he practically gutted the one eyed angel. A red gem slowly emerged from its chest as Shinji continued slicing away at the angel, filling the gutters with hundreds of gallons of angelic ichor.

"Stab the core!" Misato ordered the berserk teen. "The core is its heart!"

"Gendo doesn't have a heart!" Shinji swore as he thrust at the large red jewel.

Realizing its purpose was beyond its capabilities and with just seconds of life left the angel leapt upon the Eva, its flesh flowing around the giant like water as it attempted to engulf it.

"Bad touch!" Shinji yelped.

There was a titanic explosion and everyone stared at the monitor in horror as all that was visible was static.

"Give me a moment to restore the feed," Dr Akagi said as she typed furiously on her keyboard.

Distant views of the area showed a massive mushroom cloud covering the area.

"It self destructed," one of the techs whispered in horror.

"We've got signal!" Misato exclaimed as the static resolved into a view of the Eva's cockpit, a bruised and battered Shinji visible, his blood forming a halo around him.

"Misato!" he said urgently.

"Shinji!" she exclaimed, relieved he appeared to be okay.

"Never… ever… hug Gendo," he said, before passing out. Two blue screens hung in the air in front of him, unseen by the bridge crew, ' **Angelic Contamination 2.3 percent** ' and ' **One status point awarded for the defeat of Sachiel** '.

"I'll take that under advisement," Misato said slowly as she realized they won, they'd defeated an angel.

 **Typing By: Dagnasaur**


	73. Insert Quarter - Evangelion 3

**Insert Quarter - Evangelion 3**

Shinji slowly woke up and looked around. "Hospital," he noted, seeing the IV stand and various monitors he was hooked up to.

 ***You have slept in a bed all of your energies have been restored.***

"Good to know," he muttered, wondering if fighting an angel and having it explode in his face might have rattled his brain in his skull hard enough to have caused some brain damage or… had it all been a dream?

He sat up, stretched, and felt the sensors pull at his skin.

"I was only rattled around, why in the world am I wired for sound?" he asked aloud.

"Because you were piloting an EVA for the first time," Dr Ritsuko Akagi replied, have caught what he said as she came in. "No one has ever piloted one in battle before, and we have no idea what the stresses on your body could be."

"Makes sense," he agreed. "So, what's the verdict?"

"The verdict is… you are in better health then you were before the battle," Ritsuko replied. "You had a few bruises from riding with Misato, but they are completely gone now."

"How?" Shinji asked.

"How indeed," Ritsuko said thoughtfully, as she looked over his chart. "Our best guess is that you are unusually compatible with the LCL fluid, enhancing it's regenerative properties on your systems."

"Bathed in the blood of mine enemies, I increase in strength!" Shinji said melodramatically.

Ritsuko just stared at him for a moment. "Yeah… let's go with that."

"How'd my Eva come through?" Shinji asked.

"Its AT field held off the majority of the blast, the only real damage being to sections of its armor that got slagged," she replied. "I'm surprised to hear you're concerned about the Eva since it took some convincing to get you to pilot it."

Shinji shrugged. "Can't say why I am, but I am."

Ritsuko nodded and made a couple of notes on his chart.

"So, when can I get out of here?" he asked.

"Tomorrow," Ritsuko replied. "We have some more tests to run."

"Alright," Shinji replied, seeing the sense in it, since he had gone through something no one had ever gone through before. "And how's my sister?"

"She's not your sister," Ritsuko replied.

"Sure," Shinji replied, "it's just a coincidence she looks like my mom."

"It is," Ritsuko insisted, "coincidences do happen."

"Not around Gendo they don't," Shinji disagreed. "Regardless, where is my not-a-sister?"

Ritsuko sighed, annoyed. "In the next room," she replied.

"Good, I'd like to check on her," Shinji said. "Also, where is the cafeteria?"

"Just ring for a nurse and they'll escort you," Ritsuko replied. "Don't leave this level, the sensors only reach so far."

"Alright," Shinji agreed. "Can I remove the IV?"

"Let me do it," Ritsuko said, moving to his side. She quickly removed the needles from his arm, noting the lack of bruising or irritation.

Shinji lowered the railing on the side of the bed and swung his legs off, the cool air letting him know the only thing he was wearing was a hospital gown. Not wanting to moon everyone who he passed by, as hospital gowns were designed to do, he grabbed the thin blue blanket off the bed and made himself a cape. It just felt right somehow.

Ritsuko hid her mirth as he departed, though she had to admit it did solve the problem of the gown's tendency to come undone and expose you to everyone behind you.

Shinji entered Rei's room and found her simply laying in bed awake, her one unbandaged eye staring at the ceiling. "Hey sis. How are you doing?"

Rei turned to look at him. "I am recovering, however I do not have a brother."

"Fine," Shinji said agreeably. "Hello not-a-sister, is there anything I can do for you to make your stay more pleasant?"

Rei considered that. "I could use a cup of water and my laptop."

Shinji used a disposable cup off the nightstand and filled it in the bathroom sink. He helped hold the cup for her as her hand trembled too much to hold it steady.

"Thank you," Rei said softly. "Could you help me with my bedpan? The nurse will not be by for several hours and I could use the assistance now."

"I..." Shinji was at a loss for words for a moment, but he could hardly turn down her request, "of course, just tell me what I need to do."

It took only a few minutes and he'd had to wipe for her while averting his eyes, but she'd shown no signs of embarrassment which had helped keep him from feeling embarrassed as well for some reason.

Rei settled back in her bed with a soft sigh as Shinji slowly raised it to a comfortable sitting position, so she could use her laptop. Shinji retrieved Rei's laptop from her schoolbag and placed it on the overbed table before wheeling it in place.

"Thank you, I have been unable to do my schoolwork for the past several days," Rei said softly feeling relieved.

"is there anything you'd like to talk about?" Shinji awkwardly asked, not sure how to open a conversation about their situation.

"Not at present," Rei said as her laptop booted up, "the painkillers make it hard to think."

"I understand," Shinji said, relieved to have a way out of discussing things for the moment. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I am going to go eat breakfast, but I'll check on you later."

Rei didn't respond, focusing blurrily on her computer, but he noticed the slight blush on her face as he left.

His stomach rumbled, and he questioned the nearest person, "Where's the cafeteria?"

"Double doors at the end of the hall and hook left, it's labeled," the janitor said.

"Thanks," Shinji said, moving off, his cape fluttering behind him.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

The cafeteria staff watched Shinji leave with awe and a trace of fear in their eyes.

"He ate the mystery meat," one of the workers whispered.

"I know, I saw," the girl replied.

"No, I mean he ate the entire tray!"

"That was twenty pounds!" she exclaimed.

He nodded. "I know we aren't supposed to ask questions, but… can a human stomach actually hold that much?"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

Shinji laid back down on his bed and tried to order his thoughts about everything.

"Maybe I died on the train, that would explain a lot, but did I get sent up of down?" He contemplated that for a moment. 'Is there a sideways? Because this isn't exactly Heaven or Hell, it's just really weird.'

He shrugged. In the end it didn't really matter, Gendo was still an asshole, his life was really strange, he had a 'not-a-sister' and capes were still the ultimate fashion accessory. He'd deal.

Picking up the remote he flipped on the TV and ended up watching some show called 'Race Queen Etna' it was pretty good, even if the main character was more of a villain than the villains she faced.

He got up and peeked in on his not-a-sister, finding her sleeping peacefully in front of her laptop. He lowered the bed back into a reclining positions and pulled her blankets up.

Returning to his room he laid back down. He wasn't tired but he was bored and didn't feel like watching tv. He decided to try and sleep to relieve his boredom.

 ***You have slept in a bed all of your energies have been restored.***

Shinji woke to the now familiar announcement and checked the time. It was 6am, he'd slept a lot longer than normal, but he wasn't complaining.

"I need a shower," he decided, before remembering all the sensors under his gown. "I need a nurse and then a shower."

He checked on his not-a-sister and saw she was asleep, before heading over to a nurse's station. "Hello," he greeted the nurse, a young blond woman with the name Dawn on her name tag.

"Can I do something for you Mr Ikari?" Dawn asked, glancing up from her paperwork.

"I'm supposed to be discharged this morning, I wanted to get all these sensors removed without setting off a bunch of alarms so I could shower," he explained.

"Sure, let me help you with that," Dawn said, hitting a couple of keys on her keyboard before standing up. "Let's go to your room so we aren't flashing everyone who walks by".

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

"Ready to go?" Misato asked, seeing Shinji was dressed and looking bored when she entered his hospital room.

"Since I woke up yesterday," he replied. "There really isn't a whole lot to do here."

"it's a hospital," Misato said with a shrug.

"So, where are we off to?" Shinji asked, getting up.

"My place, well our place now," Misato said. "if you'll recall we are going to be roomies."

"So I don't have to live with Gendo?" Shinji asked hopefully.

Misato grinned and lead him out of the hospital. "We're all pretty sure you'd smother him in his sleep, so no."

"Too much effort," Shinji disagreed. "I'd poison his coffee."

"I think that was number three on the list we came up with," Misato said as she looked around the unmarked military gray hallways before decisively turning left.

"What was number two?" he asked.

"Cut brake line," she replied absently.

"We're lost again, aren't we?" Shinji asked vaguely amused.

"We're not lost," Misato said fiercely.

 **2 hours later**

"Still claim we're not lost?" Shinji asked.

"Listen Shinji," Misato said reasonably, "living with someone requires a lot of give and take. In this case that means you don't point out my little directional problems, and in return I don't point out the fact that you have a blue blanket tied around your neck, understand?"

"it's a cape," Shinji said flatly.

"And we're not lost," Misato replied.

"Fair enough," he replied with a grin.

 **½ an hour later**

"Have you considered taking hostages?" Shinji asked.

"What?"

"We could grab someone and make them lead us out," Shinji replied.

"Grab someone?" Misato looked shocked at the idea.

"Well they do keep giving you lousy directions, making us wander around in circles," he said reasonably. "They probably think it's a joke, having a laugh at your expense."

"Yeah..." Misato said, eyes narrowing.

"So simply grab one and make them lead us out," he suggested.

"Keep an eye out," Misato said, "if you see one let me know."

"Will do," Shinji replied cheerfully.

 **Geofront Security Office**

"Why is Major Misato holding a gun on one of the maintenance workers?" one security officer asked another.

"Is she drunk?" the other asked.

"No, she appears sober." He slid his chair to the side and started following her previous path on the computer, quickly finding and listening to the conversation Misato and Shinji had, had.

"Ah, that explains it," the other guard said satisfied.

"Shouldn't we call this in?"

"Nah, our orders are to ignore any strange behavior that does not impact their duties," the other guard assured the new one.

The two watched in silence, listening to the three through hidden microphones.

"Is she mugging him?" the first guard asked incredulously.

"He shouldn't have tried giving her bad directions," the other said unconcerned.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

"How does pizza sound?" Misato asked as they got in her car, the damaged back window covered in tape.

"Sounds good," Shinji replied. "How big is your place anyway?"

"Hoping it's a one bedroom?" she teased as she took off like a bat out of hell.

"With a tiny bed," he agreed, making Misato laugh.

"Three bedroom and one other roomie who lives in the second fridge," Misato replied.

"In the fridge?" Shinji repeated in a questioning tone.

"Yep," Misato said with a grin.

"Nice boat?" Shinji guessed.

"I don't get the reference," she said while skidding to a stop an inch from the car in the next parking spot.

"I'm asking if you had a boyfriend who kept cheating on you, that you chopped up and stuffed in the fridge," Shinji explained.

"Oh, no that bastard is still alive and sleeping around," she assured him. "You'll meet Pen-Pen later today."

"And you're not going to say anything more because you want to see the look on my face when I meet Pen-Pen," Shinji realized.

"Yep," she agreed. "Grab your bag, we live on the third floor."

 **Misato's Apt.**

Shinji looked around in horror, his right eyebrow twitching. He turned to face her.

"Yeah?" she asked nervously, embarrassed at how messy she'd let her place get.

"You must be dynamite in bed," Shinji said as if stating fact before sweeping old pizza boxes off the couch so he had a clear place to put his bag.

"I like to think so," Misato agreed embarrassed.

"Do you have any cleaning supplies?" Shinji asked, changing the subject.

"Under the kitchen and bathroom sinks and in the hall closet," she listed off.

"Good," Shinji said. "I'll clean all the up, you… just stand there looking gorgeous."

"Ok," Misato said, not having expected this sort of response. "Do you mind if I change? This stuff is so confining."

"Go right ahead," Shinji said, already digging under the sink for the trash bags.

He'd taken out four bags of trash by the time Misato had finished changing and grabbed herself a beer.

"I can help," Misato offered, obviously not really meaning it.

Shinji took in her low cut t-shirt and booty shorts and smiled. "I'm good. The only help I need from you is getting off some LCL that I can't reach on my back. You just relax while I straighten up."

"Ok," Misato said cheerfully, obviously not really listening.

"Do we have to go grocery shopping?" Shinji asked, figuring she wasn't much for cooking.

"I usually eat instant or order something," Misato admitted.

"I like to cook," Shinji said, "so I'll see about getting some groceries and making NERV pay for it."

"You can cook?" she asked surprised. "You mean as in real food or just the packet stuff?"

"Real food," he assured her, filling up a final two bags of trash. "The packets are good for side dishes though, saves time."

"Been a while since I had a home cooked meal was… my ever cheating ex cooked me one to get in my pants," Misato confided.

"I'm a good cook, but I have never made a meal that dissolved anyone's panties," Shinji sighed.

Misato laughed.

"Maybe a nice chocolate mousse," he guessed. "Oh well, something to work towards. For now I simply cook well enough to make people smile."

"I'll let you know when you reach that level," Misato promised with a grin. "And for now I will order us some take out. Any preferences?"

"Something that will leave my underwear intact," Shinji replied.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5 (I finally understand what the other typists are struggling with)**


	74. HP and the Horrible relatives 3

**HP and the Horrible relatives 3**

 **Previous chapters AYASEMF 60-61**

"Muggleborn?" Tonks asked Hermione.

Thinking she was asking him, since Hermione was obviously muggleborn Harry answered, "Yep, found out about magic at the end of July, so I've been playing catch up."

"Pretty sure you're a halfblood," Tonks said, knowing the story of the Potters and The-girl-who-lived. It was rarely spoken of, but everyone had assumed Harry Potter had been cast out for being a squib.

"It's possible," Harry conceded, "but since I was raised completely muggle it's more likely my father was a muggle as I'm told magical families actually value magical children and don't just drop them on people's doorsteps in the middle of the night."

"On the doorstep?" Hermione asked in disbelief.

"I told you, she was a lazy slag," Harry said, much to Tonks shock. "Anyway if I was from a magical family all they'd have to do is check the Hogwarts' admission book, it lists magical children as they're born. Thus I'm almost definitely a muggleborn and it doesn't really matter to me as I don't buy any of that racist stuff anyway."

"Having a mother who is a muggleborn witch makes you a halfblood anyway," Tonks explained.

"Never had a mother," Harry said firmly. "A woman who abandons a child doesn't have a right to the title. I'm muggleborn, thanks."

Tonks decided to let it go and changed the subject, "What house are you hoping for?"

"Ravenclaw," Harry said. "I'm at Hogwarts to learn, so where better?"

"Only about half of school is learning," Tonks explained, "the other half is socializing. Hogwarts is where you get to know everyone in your generation. They are the people you are going to marry or feud with, do business with etc…"

"Sounds like a pretty small community," Hermione said.

"The last couple of wars really cut down on our numbers," Tonks admitted.

"No thanks," Harry said. "I'll have better prospects in the muggle world for jobs and marriage from what I've read. Magic can improve my life in many ways, also from what I've read, but the magical world seems a little limited."

"Yeah, my Da is a muggle solicitor," Tonks admitted. "He married my mum who he met at Hogwarts though."

Hermione chewed on her bottom lip as she considered what they were saying.

"See," Harry said, "the muggle world has a lot going for it even if you marry someone from the magical world."

"I was raised in both worlds," Tonks said, "so I know what you mean, but I'm planning on being an auror and having a place in the muggle world. Probably marry a wizard, it's easier to date when you don't have to keep so much hidden."

Harry nodded. "I wouldn't mind making some friends, but it'll be easier if we shared the same interests and that means learning magic, so Ravenclaw is still my goal."

The door of the compartment slid open and an older woman stood there with a trolley. "Anything off the cart?" she asked.

Tonks bought a lot of candy and several butterbeers, while explaining what each magical candy did to the two.

Harry bought her entire supply of Fizzing Whizzbees after trying one. "I love sherbet," he said, hanging weightless above his seat. He wondered if this was what the astronauts felt like.

"You should eat more than just candy," Hermione said, accepting a butterbeer from Tonks.

Harry got out his trunk and removed a large heavily foiled package, opening it with a grin.

"Please say you're sharing," Tonks begged as the smell of fish and chips filled the room.

"Uncle Vernon always gets me way too much," Harry said, waving for the two to dig in.

"Still warm," Tonks squealed, before stuffing her face.

"Thank you, Harry," Hermione said before taking a bite.

Tonks mumbled something through her food that was probably a thank you, making Harry smile.

After they'd eaten, Tonks fell asleep again and Hermione got out a book to read, while Harry went back to experimenting with his magic.

 **Several hours later**

Tonks woke up and stared at the two, wondering exactly how they were doing… what they were doing.

"Lumos," Hermione incanted, focusing on her wand as it sat on top of Harry's trunk, over two feet away.

Tonks was surprised when the tip lit up with a red glow that slowly shifted to orange before sputtering and going out.

"It's a lot easier when I'm holding it," Hermione complained.

"If it was easy it wouldn't be a very effective exercise," Harry said before gesturing. "Lumos."

"You gesture like a stage magician," Hermione noted.

"It's all in the mind, so I'm trying to think like a wizard," Harry replied as his wand tip glowed blue. "Presto!"

His wand sputtered out on indigo.

"I'll give it a show, but it just feels so silly," Hermione said.

"Then it won't work," Harry said. "Most spells involve a lot of wand movements, so it really isn't that different. Be confident! Wave your hand like it's your wand."

Hermione took a deep breathe and snapped her wrist like she was flinging a Frisbee as she called out the spell. As her wand lit up she kept her hand poised like she was about to catch a ball and it slowly cycled through the colors all the way to violet.

"I did it!" Hermione beamed as her wand went out.

"Wandless magic?" Tonks asked in disbelief.

"Wandless?" Harry looked at her like she was crazy as he gestured at their wands.

"Yeah but you didn't do it with your wands," Tonks said before shaking her head. "I mean you didn't cast it with your wands in your hands."

"Apparition doesn't require you to have you wand in hand to do it," Harry pointed out, "and it's not considered wandless."

"True, but you have to have your wand on you," she argued.

"If it's not touching flesh, it's not really on you," Harry said. "You are focusing magic through your wand at a distance, just not very much of one."

"That's a good point," Tonks said. "The wand is a focus for out magic and we don't always need to be touching it for a spell to work. I wonder it it's easier to apparate with your wand in hand."

"No idea, but it's a lot easier to use Lumos the closer you are," Harry offered. "Not sure if that's actually because of the distance, or because we think it is. Magic seems to rely a lot on confidence and imagination."

"That's true," Tonks agreed. She placed her wand on the trunk and leaned back in her seat. "Lumos!"

The compartment was flooded with light and curses.

"Did I mention it was harder in terms of control and not power?" Hermione asked as she waited for her sight to return.

"No, you didn't mention that," Tonks said calmly.

"That was a fun experiment," Harry said cheerfully "Once we regain our sight, what's the next variable we should add?"

"Pardon?" Tonks asked.

"Well, we've altered color, intensity, and distance," he explained. "So, what's next?"

"Sight?" Hermione asked. "I mean what if we darken the compartment so we can't see our wand and see how well it works?"

"If we can make it light up without seeing where it's at, it'd be a lot easier to find in the dark," Tonks said.

"Yep. Now we just have to wait until we can see again," Harry said.

"Sorry about that," Tonks apologized again.

"It's fine," Harry assured the teen, "we both did the same thing."

"Just not as bright," Hermione added.

"Dammit!" Harry cursed.

"What?!"

"There is a good pun about it not being so 'Bright' but I can't think of it right now," he explained, making the girls laugh.

"Well, that's not very Bright of you, is it?" Tonks asked, a grin in her voice.

Harry groaned but couldn't help but grin.

"Well, you are blindingly bright," Hermione offered, trying to join in, more used to being the butt of the joke than in on it.

Harry had to laugh at that one.

"Yes, yes I am," Tonks said, puffing her chest up.

"Hey, my vision is coming back," Harry said.

"I can see around the edges a bit," Hermione offered.

"Give it another couple of minutes," Tonks offered unconcerned. "Another good thing about having magic is we heal a lot faster than muggles."

"I don't think I've read about that yet," Hermione said.

"It's commonly known," Tonks assured her, "though the only people who have done studies on it were right bastard."

"And now on a lighter note," Harry offered and then pouted for a moment as the didn't respond, "try using just as much magic as if you were casting with it in your hand and then increase it."

"I still get a few spots, give me a mo'," Tonks said.

"We've still got a couple of hours, no rush," Harry said.

"Why do they have us take a train when magic users can just floo in?" Hermione asked curiously. "It's annoyingly inefficient."

"Annoyingly inefficient is a good description of the wizarding world in general," Tonks admitted, "however they actually do have a purpose beyond 'because it's tradition' this time. Care to guess what it is?"

"Socialization?" Harry guessed.

"You did say half of the purpose of Hogwarts is to let us socialize with our peers," Hermione realized.

"Bingo," Tonks said. "It's a whole new world and not everything you need to know is going to be taught in class."

"It's not?" Hermione said horrified.

"It never is," Harry said. "Take my hair for instance."

"What about it?" Hermione asked.

"It's messy," Harry said bluntly. "I used to catch a lot a flack until I learned to make it 'artfully messy' rather than just plain messy, so it looks like a style choice."

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"If you can't be bothered to take care of it, it's likely you're flaky and can't be relied on," Tonks explained.

"Nah, it's more than just that," Harry replied, "though that is a part of it. It's an instinctive thing, hard wired into our DNA. Back when man was little better than monkeys, taking care of yourself wasn't just about you. See, grooming behavior was social, so if you weren't groomed it meant you weren't joining in with the mutual grooming. It not only marked you as unfriendly, it showed you didn't want to be part of the tribe. It could also be a signal that there was something wrong with you, and since hospitals didn't exist back then your 'sickness' could be a threat to the tribe itself."

"I think you're reading too much into it," Tonks said.

"Nah," Harry waved it off, "if you've ever been in a muggle schoolyard and then watched a show on chimp behavior you'd see a lot of similarities."

"So girls talking about doing something about my hair…" Hermione trailed off.

"Were trying to accept you into their group," Harry replied. "They were testing to see if you were friendly or not."

Tonks opened her mouth to speak, paused and considered that. "Yeah, that's the usual opener."

Hermione groaned. "I'm going to have to learn about makeup and all that, aren't I?"

"If you want friends and don't want to alienate everyone by sending the wrong message," Harry replied.

"What do you boys do?" she asked curiously. "I'm pretty sure you don't talk about hair and makeup."

"Haven't you ever noticed how guys will get into a fight and five minutes later they're the best of friends?" Harry asked.

"Fighting wasn't allowed at my school," Hermione said.

"Which really screws with our social order and causes worse problems," Harry said shaking his head. "Wasn't allowed in my school either so we'd go to a nearby park to fight and the delays before it happened made the fight worse not better."

"Boys are weird," Hermione said staring at him in disbelief.

"Have you seen Fight Club?" Tonks asked Harry suspiciously.

Harry grinned. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Tonks groaned.

"What?" Hermione asked cluelessly.

There was a knock on the door before it slid opened and a prefect leaned in. "Only got a couple of hours till we get there, you should probably get changed." She closed the door and moved onto the next one.

"If you'll excuse us for a moment, we need to get changed," Hermione said.

"Aren't we just putting a robe on over what we're wearing, not taking anything off?" Harry asked.

"It's tradition," Tonks said, "also it's one of those things you won't learn about in class. If a guy and girl share a compartment while putting on their robes it's a declaration that they are in a relationship."

Harry grinned and gave both girls a once over. "I could do worse."

Hermione blushed, but Tonks just chuckled.

"Well, sadly for you, I'm not a cradle robber, so out," Tonks said amused.

Harry sniffed. "Alas my poor heart is broken," he said melodramatically before stepping out into the hall to the sounds of laughter. He looked up and down the train seeing a lot of bored looking boys standing around as well as a few girls toward the front.

The door to the compartment slid open and Hermione peeked her head out of the compartment. "You can come in now."

Harry shut the door behind him. "Everyone decent again and do you guys need to leave while I change?"

"Only the purebloods really care about the guys putting on their robes," Tonks assured him.

"Good then you both may watch me get changed," Harry said, before snickering at the way Hermione's eyes widened.

Harry opened his trunk and pulled out his robe, quickly putting it on.

"Oh thank heavens," Hermione muttered making the other two laugh.

"And back to experimenting," Harry said eagerly as he placed his wand on top of his trunk once more.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5 (my eyes bleed from remembering cursive)**


	75. Of all Possible worlds 3

**Of all Possible Worlds 3**

 **Previous chapters AYASEMF 62-63**

"A lock of hair?" Monique asked.

"I'm crewing a research ship with clones," Ron explained, "it cuts down on the costs, but it can also attract the wrong sort of attention. So, I'm collecting hair from my friends to add a little variety to the clones so we can avoid that."

"Is this a college thing or are you doing it to raise money for college?" Monique asked curiously.

"It's actually a little of both. Dr Drakken is going to be tutoring me, and he's fully accredited, while I learn a variety of jobs and get paid for it," Ron replied.

"Work study?" Monique said as she considered the idea.

"Basically," Ron replied, "just more intense than most of the programs and a lot more fun."

"No problems working with Drakken?" Monique asked curiously.

"Nah, Dr D is a pretty cool guy when he's not trying to be evil," Ron assured her.

"Sounds like you lucked out," Monique said. "I'll donate some hair to the cause."

"Coolness," Ron said cheerfully.

"Oh Ron," Bonnie called out.

Ron turned around and Bonnie was standing in the dressing room with the door wide open. His jaw dropped.

"It's a simple and practical bra and panty combo," Bonnie explained while turning around to make sure he got a good long look, "it's comfortable and durable, perfect for working in."

"I was under the impression Bonnie wasn't exactly fond of old Ron," Monique noted, surprised.

"It's a little more complicated than that," Tara said. "Bonnie has her own unique ways of showing affection and encouraging people to do better."

Bonnie came out of the dressing room, dressed once more and handed the still stunned Ron the underwear she'd just been wearing. "Seven sets per clone should cover all the bases."

"Warm," Ron said absently as Bonnie smirked.

"Well… she's definitely encouraging him now," Monique said.

"Tara, you're up," Bonnie said, as she walked over to the two girls. "Remember it has to be comfortable for doing some serious manual labor in."

"You just pulled up the first set off the rack," Tara pointed out.

Bonnie nodded. "I know my sizes and I have an eye for quality. Just because they aren't high fashion doesn't mean I'm ignorant of the brand or what the reviews on it are."

"Normally that's my job," Monique said.

"And you cater the common folk quite well," Bonnie said haughtily.

Monique's eyes narrowed until she caught the way the corner of Bonnie's lips twitched and realized she was just messing with her.

Ron managed to recover and passed Monique the underwear Bonnie had handed him. "I need thirty-five of these," he said.

"They come fifty to a case with a fifteen percent discount," Monique pointed out. "That comes with free delivery, so you aren't carrying boxes of women's underwear through the mall."

"And we're looking at four boxes," Ron said. "Good looking out."

"Four?" Monique asked. "Who'd you get for the fourth?"

"Drakken is making the clones so you can expect Kim clones to be mixed in as well," Ron explained. "I think Shego likes using them as maids to help make up for all the times Kim has beat her, just don't tell her I said that."

"Makes sense," Bonnie agreed. "I know having a clone of her scrubbing the toilets would soothe my ego."

"And you are an expert on egos," Monique said. "Are you going to be ok working with clones of Kim after your breakup?" she asked Ron.

"It wasn't that bad a breakup," he assured her. "Plus, I was planning on dying their hair, maybe adding some tattoos, and basically altering their looks so they would look like someone else."

"R-Ron," Tara's voice called out hesitantly.

Ron turned towards the dressing room and Tara posed, looking far more confident than she felt in a black demi-bra and panty combo, slowly turning to give him the full effect.

"Is he still breathing?" Monique asked.

Bonnie got a mischievous look on her face and pulled a peacock feather out of a centerpiece on one of the racks and poked Ron with it.

 ***Thud***

"Ha, you actually could knock him over with a feather," Bonnie said, putting it back and giving Tara a big thumbs up.

"Using a demi-bra is kinda cheatin'," Monique said, amused.

Bonnie shook her head as Ron recovered and climbed to his feet. "No, Tara actually finds them more comfortable than normal bras, and we want comfort."

Tara stepped out of the dressing room, smiling broadly and blushing as she passed Ron her choice of underwear.

"A case of these?" Monique asked Ron as she pried his hands open to retrieve the undergarments.

"Yeah," Ron agreed, taking a few deep breaths to center himself.

"You also need a set for me and Kim," Monique reminded him.

"I'm willing to bet you know her sizes better than I do, not to mention your own," Ron said.

"True," Monique admitted, "besides I think you've been teased enough for the moment without me joining in."

"I'm relieved and disappointed," Ron said. "I could probably use a cold shower."

"Four cases?" she asked to confirm his order.

"Four cases," he agreed, taking out his wallet and removing his credit card.

"A platinum card?" Bonnie noted surprised.

"Investment group," he reminded her. "Also, buy the set they tried on," he told Monique, passing her the card.

"Buying yourself a souvenir?" Bonnie teased, making Tara blush bright red.

"No, you," Ron replied, trying and failing to push down his own blush.

"That's very thoughtful of you," Tara said.

"Where am I sending them?" Monique asked.

"Captains Hill lair," Ron replied. "That's actually the name of his address. It's some weird postal thing the post office does for heroes and villains."

"Well, it is kinda hard to mis-address this way, and the last thing you want is for some critical part to be mis-delivered or some kid to accidentally get his hands on a death ray," Monique said.

"Huh," Ron said thoughtfully, "that would explain things."

"Even the government can't screw things up all the time," Bonnie offered.

"I bet the postal workers who had toe routes with those addresses just slipped the role in place without telling anyone and no one questioned it," Tara offered. "You can get away with a lot when no one is watching and what you're doing makes sense."

"Don't I know it," Ron agreed, thinking about how Kim distracted everyone so he could either sabotage something or press a self-destruct button.

"All done," Monique said, "and my biggest commission to date."

"Happy to help," Ron said.

Monique passed two small bags to the girls. "What's your next stop? If you don't mind me asking."

"S-Mart," Ron replied. "We have the underclothes, now we need the over clothes."

Tara giggled.

"Also hair dye, piercings, a tattoo gun, scissors," Bonnie listed off. "Oh, and I definitely want to help you give the clones makeovers."

"Almost forgot all of that," Ron admitted.

"At least one Kim is getting a Mohawk and tribal tattoos on her face like Mike Tyson," Bonnie said. "Also, some spiked accessories. I want to see if she can pull off the punk look."

Ron considered that. "OK, but we'll do the same to one of your clones as well."

Bonnie stopped her knee-jerk reaction to the idea and considered it. "Long green hair on one side, and red stubble on the other, and a series of rose vine tattoos."

Everyone turned to stare at her.

"Think Punk Poison Ivy," she explained.

"That would be awesome," Ron admitted.

"You two are having way too much fun with the idea," Monique said.

"I don't think I can pull off punk," Tara said. "Grunge?"

"80's grunge," Bonnie said thoughtfully. "Maybe, we'll have to see."

"I have a better idea," Ron said with a grin.

"What?" Tara asked curiously.

"Goth," he said, prompting a wave of laughter.

Tara grinned. "You should see the pictures of when I dressed as Elvira."

"As I recall, your dad wouldn't even let you out of the house," Bonnie said.

Tara just smiled and Ron got a far off look in his eyes.

 **One visit to S-Mart and a dozen thrift stores later…**

"Good god that was a lot of shopping," Ron said wearily.

"Even for me it was a bit excessive," Bonnie admitted.

"I need a foot rub in the worst way," Tara groaned.

Stomachs rumbled.

"And food," Tara added.

"I vote we go to a sleazy hotel and order room service," Ron said. "Who's with me?"

"Me!" Tara said instantly.

"Why a sleazy one?" Bonnie asked.

"Nice hotels have people watching them to see if celebrities show up," Ron replied.

"And sleazy ones don't?" Bonnie asked sarcastically.

"Exactly," Ron said. "The only people who watch sleazy hotels are detectives, taking pictures of cheating spouses or police staking out a location."

"And that's the only reason?" Bonnie asked suspiciously.

"No," Ron admitted, "sleazy hotels are also the only ones who still have vibrating beds."

"Oh, dear god, that sounds like heaven," Bonnie admitted.

Ron started up the rental truck and slowly pulled into traffic. A small red sports car waited a few seconds before pulling out after them. The redhead driving the car followed them, continuing to stay three cars behind.

"The Crazy Eight motel?!" she exclaimed in shock as she saw the truck pull into the half full parking lot.

She forced herself to circle around the block twice before pulling in, choosing to park beside a large black van that hid her car from view of the rental truck.

"Wade, this is Kim," she said into her kimmunicator. "I need you to hack into the front desk of the Crazy Eight motel."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"This way ladies," Ron said cheerfully as he ushered them into the hotel room.

"I did not know this level of tacky existed outside of Fashion Hell," Bonnie said in stark disbelief as she took in the 50's cowboy kitsch decor.

"I've seen worse," Ron replied as he closed the door.

"Whatever you do, don't tell me about it," Bonnie said seriously.

Ron chuckled. "Fine, I won't."

"Who has quarters?" Tara asked collapsing forwards onto one of the two beds, causing the flannel patterned comforter to flare.

Ron took two rolls of quarters out of his jacket pocket and broke one open on the rough wooden nightstand.

"Don't forget the pizza. Now, coin us," Bonnie ordered, imitating Tara on the second bed.

Ron chuckled and fed a dollar in quarters into each bed, setting them vibrating. He picked up the phone and ordered several large pizzas while the girls made various noises, just to see how they sounded as the vibrations distorted their voices.

"This is wonderful, but my feet are still killing me," Bonnie complained, sounding like she was talking into a fan. "Got a solution to that?" she asked, kicking off her shoes.

Pretending not to know that she was hinting at wanting him to rub her feet, he replied, "Of course."

Bonnie's smile turned into a confused frown when he picked up the phone. "Hello, front desk?"

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"He just…" Wade's voice trailed off.

"Just what?" Kim asked, wishing they'd left the blinds open in the room.

"Kim, should you really be stalking Ron like this?" Wade asked nervously.

"What did he do?" Kim asked ignoring his question.

Wade sighed. "He just ordered two girls sent to his room," the young hacker admitted.

"He what?!" she exclaimed in disbelief.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Um, Ron?" Tara spoke up timidly while Bonnie just lay there speechless.

"Yeah, Tara?" he replied curiously.

"I admit I may have thought about me, you, and Bonnie once or twice," she said shyly causing Bonnie to stare at her in shock, "but it was always like, I was planning a surprise for you and you came home early, so I had to hide in the closet..."

"Yeah," Ron said encouraging her to go on.

"And then while I'm peeking through a crack in the door you come in with Bonnie and you're both all over each other," Tara said, a distant look in her eyes.

"And then?" Bonnie asked, surprised she'd said that.

"And then I am stuck watching as you strip -"

 ***Knock*Knock*Knock***

The three jumped and Ron hurried to the door, finding it was the pizza they'd ordered. He quickly paid the delivery boy and put the pizzas on the table.

"Continue," Bonnie ordered, as Ron retook his seat.

"Well, the point I was trying to make was while I… um, don't mind someone I… care about being… involved," Tara said blushing, "the idea of strangers leaves me cold."

"I second that," Bonnie said firmly.

"I completely agree," Ron said, having to try and subtly adjust himself as his pants were feeling way too tight at the moment. "The girls aren't for 'that' at all."

Bonnie and Tara exchanged confused glances.

"Then what are they for?" Bonnie asked.

Ron just grinned. "It's a surprise."

"Do we have to hide in the closet?" Tara asked.

"Um, no," Ron said adjusting himself.

"Is it kinky?" Bonnie asked suspiciously. "You did specifically request the have short nails, after all."

"Not remotely," Ron assured her. "In fact, I will say if you don't like the surprise, I'll send them away, deal?"

"Deal," Bonnie agreed.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Um, Kim?" Wade said nervously.

"Yeah, what is it?" she replied distractedly as she spotted the two street walkers headed towards Ron's room.

"I was listening to the police scanner... they're running a prostitution sting out of the Crazy Eight right now," he said softly.

She paused as she watched the two girls, probably undercover police officers, enter Ron's room. "What do I do?!" she asked anxiously.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5 (had to stop typing a couple times to laugh, poor confused KP, really need to do something about that ego.)**

 **Omake/preview the delivery:**

"Dear, did you order a shops worth of lingerie?" Drakken asked curiously as he opened one of the boxes that had just been delivered.

Shego looked over in confusion, only to see Drakken pull out a set of underwear that clearly was not her size or color. She walked over to Drakken igniting one hand in green plasma and asked, far too calmly "Dear, why are you holding another woman's underwear? Do we need to play another game of 'Make Drakken go ouch'?"

 **TN: Wasn't sure if you crossed out that section because it didn't fit well there, or because you changed your mind on the scene for the future, but since I could still make it out, I read it and it gave me a bit of a plot bunny, so I had to expand it a little. Feel free to use, modify, or remove it.**

 **AN: The timing was wrong so I removed it. I was thinking of using it in a later chapter.**

 **AN2: I have reached the end of yet another Fragments file… so what do I name the next one?**


End file.
